Didn't they say 304?
303. I wrote it down.
Hi.
Come on in.
Wow. Okay.
Wow.
What a great place.
You guys...
You guys look so fancy.
We read a book on being hosts.
Rule one, dress to impress.
Rule number two, avoid touchy
topics like the Negro problem.
Written in the '40s.
Yeah.
Good, you guys are finally here.
Finally?
Shirley showed up at 3.
Time flies when I'm baking.
No, it doesn't.
The door downstairs
was propped open with this.
This is unsafe.
Anyone could've wandered in.
Like our guests?
Be right back.
Thank you.
Let me give you the grand tour.
Bathroom, kitchen, who cares?
This is the boulder scene
from Raiders,
with actual rolling boulder.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Adiós, Satipo.
BRITTA & ANNIE: Ah...
Pow.
Pretty cool, huh?
Super cool. And sexy.
Super sexy cool.
Overselling it.
I made pizza.
But we ordered real pizza.
Nothing more real than homemade.
Didn't have some ingredients,
so I used ketchup
and cream cheese.
We ordered real pizza.
Uh, Abed.
Okay. Hey, I got you that.
Hi. Agh. Ha.
Very nice.
Oh, look, Indiana Jones
and the Apartment
of Perpetual Virginity.
Chop busted, fellow adult,
chop busted.
It's nice. Not mansion
nice, but it's nice.
Didn't you live
in a mansion with me?
This is more
my speed and century.
I've hardly
missed you at all
since I had you removed
from my portraits.
Jeff, check it out.
Serbian rum.
So strong, it is banned there.
Banned in Serbia, Jeff.
Heh, heh.
Let that concept sink in.
You enjoy. I have to leave.
Oh?
Yeah, sorry. I got an invite
to the opening of a new club.
It's like this place
was designed for me.
I made that in Photoshop
and mailed it to you
so you'd keep tonight open.
There's no such thing
as Single Malt Platinum
Boobs and Billiards Club?
Oh.
I guess I never
said it out loud.
We offer more
than boobs and billiards.
What?
One word, two syllables.
Don't say charades.
Yahtzee!
Is charades off the table?
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
Come on. And...
Okay.
Now, "how to play Yahtzee."
Is there nothing from our youth
companies won't repackage?
Call it Yahtzee all you want.
Everybody knows
it's Puerto Rican chess.
[INTERCOM BUZZES
AND ANNIE GASPS]
It's just the pizza.
We can't buzz him up.
Someone has to go down.
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
Two. One, two. Annie.
Okay, fine.
I guess I'm going down.
All this talk of going down.
You guys know I had sex with
Eartha Kitt in an airplane?
Oh!
We're about to eat.
It's not namedropping.
Checking on my pies.
No.
Bathroom?
Yeah, over here.
Uh, guys, what does
a pregnancy test look like?
Plastic with a thing on the end.
So this is definitely a gun.
Whoa! Yeah, put that away.
Oh, my...
Why does Annie have a gun?
That's not a gun.
That's a girl's peashooter.
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.
What are we gonna do about this?
I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
Ha, ha, ha.
What's so funny?
People hitting their heads.
Don't fight over them.
Well, you can fight
a little.
Smells weird.
I beg your pardon?
Smells weird. What did you do?
Abed, you don't ask someone
a question like that.
It's not dignified.
Pizza!
Pizza, pizza, go in tummy
Me so hungy, me so hungy
Pizza guy was super creepy.
So you're saying
he was a pizza guy?
What happened
in the other timelines?
There are
no other timelines.
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
Four. One, two, three, four.
Shirley.
Okay, just don't let
my pies burn. Hee-hee.
Remember,
no one eats those pies.
Come on, let's just talk to her.
We tried, but she ignored us.
The woman has a baking problem.
I don't like being the bad guy
anymore than anybody else...
No.
Bathroom?
Yeah, over here.
We have a pact.
We do not enable her baking.
It's better for her
in the long run.
Know who got it in the long run?
Eartha Kitt when I nailed her
in the airplane bathroom.
Ew, Pierce.
What? Came up organically.
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.
Oh.
Cool. Thanks, Pierce.
Whoa!
What is it?
What? It's a Norwegian troll.
When Troy and I were living
together, I had it on display
in the hall outside his bedroom.
He seemed very taken with it.
It used to watch me sleep!
Pierce, shame on you.
Jeff, what are you gonna do?
Get a drink.
Ow!
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Barely felt it.
Let me look at it.
It's not dignified.
Pizza!
Pizza, pizza, in my tummy
Me so hungy, me so hungy
Did someone remember
to take out my pies?
Seriously? Oh!
Oh!
Oh, no.
Seriously?
Shirley, it doesn't matter.
We weren't gonna eat them.
You're not allowed to have
baking as an identity.
Excuse me for being
the only married woman
in a group of horny toads making
googly eyes at each other.
Googly eyes?
Oh!
Shirley, it's okay.
Nobody makes googly eyes
at me either. We're the same.
Oh, Shirley. Shirley.
Adiós, Satipo.
Why is she upset? Her pies
didn't burn in other timelines.
Shirley just had
a nervous breakdown.
More like a nervous...
Bake-down, I know.
I didn't say it on purpose.
There are no other timelines.
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
Three. One, two, three. Pierce.
Crap.
Speaking of crap,
I was taking one in an airplane
when Eartha Kitt
decided to bang me.
Oh!
What? It's where my mind went.
Your mind went years ago.
Ugh. I'm gonna check on my pies.
No.
Bathroom?
Yeah, over here.
I love your place, Troy.
You're all grown up now.
I can't believe those are real
mahogany bunk beds in there.
I bet that cost you
a few allowances.
Hm. All right.
Aw. Troy.
Oh. Now we done it.
Britta's in the ba...
Adiós, Satipo.
Who is it?
Troy.
I'm washing my hands.
Good, then I can come in.
Oh, hi! Um...
Uh, ahem.
I was smoking a cigarette.
I know what you were doing.
I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.
Oh, okay, here.
I know that.
We all know that.
Then why is Jeff
always picking on me?
You seem to be a little
hard on Troy.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Barely felt it.
Let me look in the bathroom.
Britta's in the bathroom.
Oh, um...
Oh, no, what happened?
Minor head wound.
If there's an abrasion,
we'll clean it and apply ice.
You make a good nurse.
Thanks.
Dr. Shirley says
mini pies are the best medicine.
Then I'd like to see her degree.
He's butting antlers
because you're a threat.
You've got your own place,
you've got a future,
you've got a bowl full of olives
next to the toilet.
It's a fancy party, Britta.
You know what Jeff has
in his bathroom?
Neither do I. He keeps
his toiletries in a safe.
His whole personality is based
around guarding himself.
You don't have to be
like that to be a man.
You're really cool, Britta.
Pizza guys are getting
worse and worse looking.
Guess all the good ones
went into porn.
Ceiling fan.
I miss all the fun.
What happened
in the other timelines?
Who cares?
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
Six. One, two, three, four,
five, six.
Britta.
Great.
Great. You know what's great?
Air travel.
I've flown a lot,
a lot of airplane stories.
Once had sex with Eartha Kitt...
I'm gonna check on my pies.
Hm. Hey.
You guys are my best...
I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Ha, ha, ha!
Barely felt it.
Let me look in the bathroom.
Refill the toilet olives?
We're good. I checked.
You're the best.
Wanna stay up all night talking?
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.
Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.
You make a good nurse, Annie.
Thank you.
I actually had to apply
a tourniquet the other day.
A guy got stabbed
outside my building.
What? You gotta get the hell
out of that apartment.
You don't have to treat me
like a kid anymore.
Yeah, but adults
still need to be protected.
I can't help but worry
about you, Annie.
You're important to me.
Aah! Stop!
Feel the terror!
Feel the terror
of the Norwegian troll!
What's going on?
Pierce is terrorizing Troy.
He's jealous we moved in.
You're jealous.
Why would I be jealous?
Because you're lonely and crazy.
Hey, guys, this is Toby,
our pizza delivery guy.
I know this is gonna sound nuts,
but we're in love
and we're getting married.
What happened
in the other timelines?
Wait, there are
other timelines?
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
One. Troy.
Ugh. Damn it.
I'm gonna go as fast as I can
so I don't miss anything.
['ROXANNE" PLAYS
OVER SPEAKERS]
You know who I used to call
Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt.
What? He totally set me up.
I'm checking on my pies.
No.
Bathroom?
Yeah, over here.
Jeff, tell us about your father.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Ow!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Barely felt it.
Let me look in the bathroom.
Oh!
What the hell?
No!
Aah!
Call 911.
Abed, help me stop the bleeding!
I'm dying.
I am dying.
Water. Water. Water!
Breathe, Pierce.
You.
No!
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Abed.
I'm on it.
Know who else was on it?
And do you know what it is?
Everybody give me money.
Wow, that ascot really
softens your personality.
I banged Eartha Kitt.
['ROXANNE" PLAYS
OVER SPEAKERS]
No.
Bathroom?
Down the hall.
I'm getting a drink.
Ow!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Barely felt it.
Let me look in the bathroom.
Britta's in the bathroom.
Oh, um...
Oh, no, what happened?
Minor head wound.
Oh, my God.
What smells amazing?
Oh, someone wants pie!
You make a good nurse.
Oh, my God.
They taste just like
regular-size pies.
Oh, yay!
Happy housewarming.
Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.
I just wanted to say thanks
for letting me live with you.
I feel like making desserts
is the only thing I'm good for.
But now it's time to try and
make it on my own, like you did.
I can't help
but worry about you.
Don't open this.
No... What?
You're very important to me.
Crap. I was not supposed
to eat your stuff.
We made an agreement. Crap.
I was not supposed to say that.
Crap. Okay, cards on the table.
I'm really high right now.
Oh.
Give me...
I'll give you something else.
A Waterpik. A speedboat.
Two Waterpiks.
I can't believe I'm feeding
my pies to a drug addict.
Drug addict?
You're a pie pusher.
You push pies to get love.
Give it, Pierce! It feels fun!
Stop it.
I'm sorry, I just had
a weird déja vu.
You're bad at gift-giving!
What you said about
worrying about me,
it's something
my dad always said.
I demand to be housewarmed!
Shouldn't have brought it up.
Just reminded me of my dad.
Anyway...
A little Make Out 101.
Less dad talk. And ease up
on the bubblegum lip gloss.
No, I really...
No, you...
Pizza time.
Give me this,
you godless hippie skank!
You're a sick, sad old man
and I hope you die alone.
Yeah.
I wonder what happened
in all those other timelines.
I hope this is the real one.
I found a nickel in the hallway.
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
You're creating
six different timelines.
Of course I am, Abed.
I don't think you should.
Chaos already dominates
our lives.
The universe
is a sea of randomness.
Our job isn't to fight it,
but to weather it together
on the raft of life.
A raft held together
by those few rare
beautiful things
that we know to be predictable.
Ropes? Vines.
Vines? Let him finish!
Us. It won't matter
what happens to us
as long as we accept
each other's flaws and virtues.
Annie will be driven.
Shirley will be giving.
Pierce won't apologize.
Britta's sort of a wild card.
Jeff will remain
a conniving son of a bitch.
Abed!
Six sides to this die
and seven of us.
He devised a system
by which he never
gets the pizza.
You crafty jackrabbit.
Really? Dang, man.
Pretty low, dude.
It's called friendship.
Look it up. Encarta it.
I think we just found
our pizza-getter.
Yes, Jeffrey.
We did.
Oh, like it matters who goes.
What's so funny?
Karma.
That guy sucks harder than the
toilet in an airplane bathroom.
Airplane bathroom...
Oh, my pies.
Oh!
BRITTA & SHIRLEY:
Sing, girls!
I really love your place.
You should move here.
Come on, Troy.
You guys see what happens
when I leave you alone, huh?
Go, Troy!
To Pierce.
May he rest in Pierce.
Don't you think
you've had enough?
Of you.
I've been thinking about
that night. One thing is clear.
This is the darkest,
most terrible timeline.
Enough with
the timeline crap, Abed!
Pierce got shot in the leg
and died. Shirley's a drunk.
Annie's locked in a mental ward
because her guilt
drove her insane.
Jeff lost an arm in the fire.
Troy lost his larynx because
for some dumb reason,
he tried to destroy a flaming
troll doll by eating it.
You don't understand
anything about trolls.
Life has gone
to hell, Abed.
This is real.
Look at us. Look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away
blue streak in your hair,
and I lost an arm.
Exactly. Life got dark.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
I love how this is my fault.
It's mine.
I've run through that night.
I come back to one thought:
I should've caught the die
and not let you roll it.
I failed to do that
and we all suffered.
But I'm gonna make it up to you.
What is this?
This is the darkest timeline.
I propose we commit to evil.
I made goatees out of felt.
Put them on until
you're able to grow your own.
From now on, I am evil Abed.
We're the evil study group
and we have but one evil goal:
Return to the timeline
that I stopped you
from rolling that die.
Destroy the good versions of
ourselves and reclaim our lives.
Evil Abed, as evil Jeff,
am I allowed to pull
fewer punches with you?
Certainly.
I hate you!
Shut up with your sci-fi crap!
I lost my damn arm,
and you're making fake beards!
Goatees.
Those Blorgons
peppered our biscuits.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
we got out just in space.
I certainly walked
right into that one.
I guess nothing.