Remember, you guys can have a deep too!
And don't be afraid to play with the...
ruuubber spiiider!
I'll ask again...
- Are you sure I can't bring anything? - I don't understand.
We're having a party, before we're going to the real party?
I think you young people are just making this crap up.
It's a pre-party!
It's informal, intimate, and just for us.
And I told you guys you didn't have to dress up.
- We were wearing this when you called. - When we dress up, you'll know it.
There's nothing in your playlist but spooky party,
the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts.
We could listen to one of those! I have Michele Norris
interviewing Errol Morris.
Don't worry, they address it.
Let's make this quick.
I got three more polite appearances to make tonight.
I'm one of the Fast and Furious guys.
- Which one? - I don't watch that shallow crap.
I just pick a costume girls will like.
Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you?
Doubtful, but I support the dream.
Remember last week, when I made you fill out
those anonymous personality tests for my psych class?
If you dropped them in another puddle...
No, I processed the results, as per my assignment.
And, Jeff,
one of our friends is...
deeply disturbed.
Trick or Dean!
Don't forget to come by our Halloween scare-tacular dance,
starting in the cafeteria at 9:30.
Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker because it's Halloween!
- It's been happening for a week. - Halloween week!
- The lights will work on November 1st? - All Saint's day...
Month!
- You were about to get ridiculous? - Look!
One of the tests came back with 70 out of 75 red flags
for an extreme personality disorder.
Extreme, Jeff!
Like a dorito?
A sociopathic dorito.
A cool ranch lunatic.
Only instead of Zest, Jeff,
one member of our study group has...
homicidal tendencies.
I think one member of our study group is an overzealous psych major.
You probably just Britta'd the test results somehow.
No. I double-checked them. Wait.
Are people using my name to mean "make a small mistake"?
- Feygnasse Team -
La Fabrique::.
3x05: Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps
Let's make this party fast and furious, in that order.
I want to go to the dance.
I heard the Dean's got free taco from the army.
We can go to the dance in a bit.
But first, why don't we tell some scaaary stories?
I'll start with a story about a horrible fate
befalling innocent people,
and then I'm curious to get individual reactions.
Once upon a time, a couple in a car making out or something.
I think I heard something.
Just the sound of my heart, baby.
In the news tonight, tops story.
An escaped convict from the asylum has escaped,
and he's mental and he's on the loose and stuff.
Oh, my God. That sounds dangerous.
I'm sure it's no biggie, but I am a horny man.
I'm only half-present.
He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand,
a hook thing where his hand should be.
- You know what I mean. - That sounds dangerous.
Fine, I'll get out and look.
But then I'm entitled to sex.
I'm getting stabbed with his hook hand thing.
Oh, my God! No!
I was right!
And the woman was screaming and the man got killed.
- How did you feel? - Embarrassed.
That's an odd reaction.
Seems fair.
- What embarrassed you about it? - I didn't care about the characters.
- Didn't care about them? - They were stupid.
They put themselves in danger, when they were warned, the guy got out.
Do you believe because he was stupid he deserved to die?
What kind of party is this?
I suppose, from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die.
This is nonsense or even basic survival instinct.
That not scary cause the characters making choices the audience don't make.
Plus, you need a smarter lead. Here, like this.
It's a cold night in the woods.
We establish a traditional cabin, then cut to...
A log cabin so we could be intimate in safety, 'cause it's not the 50s,
we don't have to park a car and neck at inspiration point.
That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
I'm comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry.
I just brushed my teeth, this would be the optimal time to kiss.
Enjoyable. Soft lips. The right level of moisture.
- Do it again. - No.
We should listen to the news on this radio.
I brought it as a cautionary measure,
'cause this cabin is near the local insane asylum.
Is that why you were able to rent it at such a reasonable rate?
- I hope you're as fertile as I am. - More.
Why are you doing the whole song?
They wouldn't turn at the moment of the most pertinent news broadcast.
It's too coincidental. But I'll jump forward in time.
What was that?
Based on what we just heard, but not just just heard,
I assume it's the hook-handed killer who escaped when the security failed.
They shouldn't have cut corners, although it is understandable,
given the recent economic downturn.
Should we go check it out?
We should call 911 on my fully-charged cell phone,
lock the doors, stand back to back in the room holding knives.
I love you...
Did these people ever die or what?
Eventually,
once it had been...
eaaarned.
Well, Britta. It looks like you're barking up the wrong tree.
You want to hear a scary story?
I've got a scary story.
Thank you for pulling me from that carriage.
I don't know what could have frightened my horses so.
Many vile creatures make these woods their home.
Some even warn of...
monsters.
I don't believe in monsters.
I believe every man has good within.
I must retrieve my books from the debris tomorrow.
I am a schoolteacher,
and many children rely on me to educate them.
Be gone, innocent one!
What's wrong?
You may choose not to believe in them,
but I am a monster.
And I must feed.
Do not judge me for my weakness.
Stifle your slackened maw, you drained and tainted bitch dog.
I'm fine with this.
Wait!
Teach me to read.
Sound it out.
Wo... Rd dog.
Hates...
Cats.
"Reason not the need!
"Our basest beggars are in the poorest things superfluous."
You should be proud of how much I've changed you.
Thanks for helping me,
but I'm afraid some monsters
cannot change.
Resist your craving!
Just pick up a good book
and read!
Your porcelain neck,
in the light of the full moon,
too appetizing.
Unfortunate...
for you.
You see, some monsters cannot change.
But others can.
What is this?
I'm a werewolf
that feeds on selfish vampires.
And she ripped into his torso,
like a gerbil shredding a quaker oats box,
sending chunks of viscera
and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skanky concubine.
Then, she flossed her teeth with his tendons.
And because he was a vampire,
he lived through all of it.
He had to watch her swallow his last eyeball.
She kept it attached to the optic nerve,
so he could see down her throat,
to his own partially digested flesh
in...
her stomach.
See? There was a twist.
I didn't know you were such a fan of... gore.
It's Halloween.
If you're gonna tell us a scary story, give it some texture.
Wasn't that great.
Your texture was so
discompassionately macabre,
as if without the slightest regard for human life.
Stop pinning ribbons to her. Why Annie have to be good at everything?
You guys wanna hear a real, legit scary story?
Is there anyone? Help.
Thank God, an old doctor.
We're top gun fighter pilots, the best of the best.
Our F-15 went down.
I thought I heard something awesome out there.
Please, come in, for first aids and what have you.
Drinks from a stranger.
So medical. Thank you.
Wakey-wakey.
What's going on?
This cabin is my lab where I do weird experiments on people.
Look!
Forced to be together forever!
I sewed you together. I totally sewed you together!
Now, do we have E.S.P.?
We're psychic now, we can destroy him.
- You tried to destroy us... - But you only made us...
More awesome!
I'm jealous!
Now you are the subject.
What? What? Tell me more.
We sewed your butt to your chest!
Wait.
You fools!
By sewing my butt to my chest,
you've given me boobs I can touch all day.
With what?
Feet hands.
What did I do to deserve that? Keep me out of your stupid stories.
I didn't say it was you. He was a crazy, old, racist doctor.
I'm your crazy, old, racist friend.
I was, anyway. Now I'm not so sure.
It's just a story.
Yeah?
So is this.
- Come back to bed, Magnum. - In a moment, girls.
I'm just enjoying an expensive post-coital brandy.
Whats we gots heres?
It's a home invasion, you jive mother.
Easy, easy, easy.
Nobody has to get hurt.
That's right, honky.
You take it real easy and give us your brandy and hubcaps.
Okay, but...
Oh, man.
You are still relevant!
Oh, my god!
I'm ready for my birthday spanking.
Which of you girls knows how to count to 30?
What in the hell was that?
That wasn't even a ghost story.
It was like an episode of some show we're all too young to have heard of.
Then I chopped up your bodies.
It's us, and you, Magnum?
Still am, Pakistan. Wanna try me?
Guys,
these stories are getting personal.
And so needlessly violent.
And the days when ghost stories were about good versus evil?
Once upon a time...
Man. My drugs are wearing off.
Who's got more?
Here you go, baby.
All right, all right.
That is my kind of pot bong.
Jango, check it out.
Swarms of locusts and tornadoes of frogs.
I don't care, I lived in New York.
It's like New York out there.
We interrupt your death metal to bring you some heavy news.
All the good Christians got raptured, so if you're hearing this,
the good news is you're the coolest people in the world.
The bad news is the world is over. This is NPR.
Man. End of days?
Could anything suck harder than this?
Hel-lo!
Devil here.
Just popping by with a little damnation orientation.
Here's the sched.
At 10:00, you'll be buried neck-deep in scorpions.
11:15, lava enemas, followed by Pilates.
- That's good. - I like Pilates.
It's a demon that eats your genitals.
But first, stabby-stabby.
For whom do we cry out?
All the good people are gone!
Look! Our friend we used to pick on for being Christian.
Oh, she looks great.
A righteous wind blows!
Off to Pilates!
Thank you for saving us, Shirley.
Your name's not Shirley, this is a story about strangers.
Anywho, take us to heaven, please?
I cannot.
I just came to say good-bye on my way to Abraham's bosom.
Bye.
I forgive you.
Gay marriage!
And he chainsawed them to bits!
Then he put 'em back together. And then he chainsawed them again!
Forever.
Where was Jeff in that story? And why was my name Jango?
Shirley, that wasn't a horror story.
A sermon.
You ruined a Britta party.
That's like letting poop spoil.
Wait!
We have to figure this out.
- What? - Long story short.
The psych tests came back.
Turns out one of you is probably a homicidal maniac.
That's stupid.
I have a responsibility to figure out which one of you is sick,
and get you the treatment you need.
You're a danger to yourself and others in your current state.
We know each other. None of us are murderers.
No, but one of you has the potential.
If we leave here now, do you know what might happen?
Britta, what are you describing?
What?
Who has images like that in their head?
The same kind that would make us tell stories to study our minds.
- One of you... - One of us?
You took that test too, right?
What are you saying?
Oh, my God!
What if it is me?
Wait. This is crazy!
We freak out because it's Halloween. We just need to settle down.
- I kill you. - You don't want to be barium sulfated!
Stay back, psychos or I'll slit your throats.
What has happened to all of you?
You heard all the stories. Anyone here could be a psycho!
Thinking that is what's psycho.
Here, I have a story that I think might help.
Before you do anything, tell us why you kill people.
Fear.
I kill because I'm afraid.
Give me a hug.
Get in here.
- Love hugs, love hugs. - Let it out, it's okay?
You're welcome.
That was the gayest crap I've ever heard.
What the hell?
Why are you so determined to have us relax, put down our weapons?
Maybe he's a remorseless madman with no empathy,
who eludes detection by manipulating others.
Yeah, Jeff.
We should go through your test answers.
I filled mine out randomly.
- Come on. - What?
You idiot!
That was probably the test that returned the psychotic result!
Maybe.
What kind of sociopath
doesn't offer that information, like, an hour ago?
I'm no sociopath.
I always know what I'm doing is wrong.
I don't like taking tests, doing work, or getting yelled at.
So if you think about it, that makes me the sanest person here.
Is this your test?
A bunch of bubbles.
Wait!
Give me those.
Why are the scores on the bottoms? They should...
Britta, look at the arrow. You ran these upside-down.
Britta'd.
Whatever. I'll run them through again.
You're gonna stop using my name
to mean "making a tiny and understandable mistake."
- So we're all insane. - Well, except for this person.
Is that one mine?
We should probably figure it out?
If one of us isn't crazy, it's fair that we know who they are.
Or we could hold on to the notion that any one of us might be sane.
We learned an important lesson.
We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings.
You're using it wrong.
You Britta'd "Britta'd."
- Way to pull an Abed. - I don't get it.
Don't Pierce.
I don't get it.
Guys!
It's been three days.
When you gonna let me go?
At least, say something.
Guys!
Should we let him go?
Let me think.
More brandy?
Don't mind if I do.
Should we get back to our F-15 we repaired with our mind powers?
- I was thinking the same thing. - I know!
Jinx! Double jinx!
Triple jinx!
Troy and Abed sewn together!