Happy Friday. What are you
doing this weekend?
The question is, who am I
doing this weekend?
He's asking because
he's forgotten. It's nobody.
I'm volunteering
at the animal hospital.
Aw.
Animal hospital?
The animals are patients.
Makes sense.
Dr. Zizmor's
letting me work off
the cost of
Daniel's surgery.
You won't spend money
on a phone,
but you got Lasik
for your cat?
He only has
the one eye, Jeff.
I can't exactly buy him
a cat monocle, can I?
It's pretentious.
And for your information,
this is a Totorola.
Troy and I will be having
a special Saturday night,
as in Dark Knight.
Oh! It came!
Our limited-edition,
$299 Dark Knight DVD
with bonus footage, commentary,
and autograph,
including a personalized
message of up to four words!
"Abed is Batman now,
Christian Bale."
It's official.
From the man himself.
May I have that back?
Thank you.
If you see this lying out,
I'm using it,
so don't take it
and dump it out.
Is this about your noodles?
I didn't say that.
Yeah!
Into your face!
Your tears reveal
your weakness!
What is it with foosball?
They've been at it for weeks.
They're European. It's more
important over there.
Foosball's the soccer
of ping-pong.
Eats it! Eats it!
I can't take it anymore.
Let them be.
Gentlemen,
my name is
Clarence Thaddeus Foos.
My grandfather,
Fletcher Morton Foos,
invented this game
for one purpose,
to have the loudest,
dumbest thing happen.
Now it has. The game
of foosball is completed.
You're free to return
to your hearing-impaired
families.
We'll stop if you can
score a point on us.
Tempting, but then wouldn't I
be playing foosball?
And, if so, how would I not
be a loud, weird knob?
Free shot. I'm not
touching the foosenschaften.
Sorry, Luftballons.
I'm above it.
Boo-yah!
I wish there was
a word to describe
the pleasure I feel
at viewing misfortune.
It's the face
of a broken man.
Jeff. Smile.
Uh, uh...
Ooh!
They, uh...
They come in a six-pack.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE"
PLAYING]
Oh...
Buttered noodles.
I'm allowed to throw out
the dust, right?
Yeah.
What's wrong?
I... I...
Why?
I stepped on it.
Why?
I was dusting the TV.
Why?
I can get a new one
before he gets home.
Oh, sure, Annie. And then
we just have to record
fake exclusive commentary
by Christian Bale.
Go ahead, you first.
This scene was a challenge
to all involved...
Stop it! That's not an option!
The disc
is irreplaceably awesome!
What if we got
a different disc, and...
Know how many sitcoms have
done the "secretly replace
a broken, priceless item"
thing? 'Cause Abed does.
Abed knows everything,
You think you can
think your way out of this
with your thinkiness,
but don't think too much.
You just have to confess.
Okay?
Okay.
We shot this on location...
He's right. Won't work.
Jeffrey?
What are you doing?
Hmm? Oh. You know,
I just thought
next time those Deutsch bags
try to show off,
maybe I can catch them
by surprise.
You don't need to worry
what foreigners think.
That's your birthright
as an American.
Okay.
Small confession.
I used to love foosball.
It was a great
after-school game
for a lonely kid
with no dad.
Just masculine enough
without having to know
how to throw or catch.
I have seen you throw.
And it was fun.
Till I started getting bullied
by people like those Germans.
So I quit.
Well, you did
the right thing.
Foosball is a vile game
for vile people.
You wouldn't get it.
It's a guy thing,
not a fresh-baked-pie thing.
Well, I might get it a little.
You don't know me.
Ho... ly... crap.
I think I figured out
the viewing order.
Original version,
director's cut,
director's cut with commentary,
original version cool-down.
Yeah, we'll see.
Mm-hm.
Oh, my God, you guys.
We've been robbed!
Oh, man. I can't believe
we got robbed.
Shirley, Shirley.
You have to teach me.
Please, help me beat
those evil power Krauts.
Don't you get it, Jeff?
They're not evil people
that are good at foosball.
They are good at foosball
because they're evil.
It's an evil game that
brings out the worst in us,
like out-of-town weddings
where the reception's
in the same place.
Great. After three years
of religious advice
and carb-laden pastries,
you finally have one thing
I actually need, and...
I'm sorry.
Um, that was rude.
It shouldn't be
so important to me.
I'll, uh...
I'll see you Monday.
Jeff...
Tomorrow, dawn,
be in the student lounge.
Shirley, you are the best.
Dear Lord,
please forgive me.
And please
have mercy on him.
The stakes have
never been higher.
Shut up, Leonard.
I found your YouTube page.
What's the point
reviewing frozen pizza?
You're talking about it.
Well, that is true.
Now, Jeffrey,
the key to winning foosball
is to tap into your darkness,
so promise you won't judge
the side of me
that might come out.
Shirley, I'm gonna be
perfectly blunt with you.
The few times you've been bad
are the times
I've liked you most.
Really?
Remember making fun
of Britta's boyfriend's nipples?
They were tiny.
Remember what you did
to Pierce's hoagie?
That was so disturbing,
I almost proposed.
Now, come on,
show me how to dominate.
All right, Winger,
hands on the grips.
I'm coming up on your
right side in three, two, one!
Know why you can't stop me?
I'm not playing a game.
For you, it's
winning and losing.
For me, it's
life and death. Unh!
That's how I win.
That's where you have to go.
No more thought,
no more feeling.
Kill or be killed. Kill
or be killed, little man.
Think when this mattered, before
you got to be too cool. Unh!
Stop acting like
you're not ashamed.
Follow that shame to the fear.
Follow that fear to the rage.
You put that rage...
Aah!
Up your ass, turkey.
Ha, ha!
There's only two ways
off this table,
kill or be killed.
Say it.
Kill or be killed.
Say it, mumbles!
Kill or be killed.
Kill!
Kill! Kill!
Yeah!
You called me turkey.
I love it.
Sorry we couldn't get a car
over here until now.
Our captain was killed
on duty last night.
My God,
I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Good man.
Leaves behind two kids
and a pregnant wife.
So you're missing
a Batman DVD?
My Dark Knight extended
extended cut, wasn't insured.
No sign of forced entry
on your door or windows.
Sure it wasn't misplaced?
Someone broke in.
Some of my jewelry's missing.
You sure about that, Annie?
Mmm-hmm.
My necklace.
It was gold.
White gold.
With emeralds.
And my name engraved in Hebrew.
It was a bat mitzvah gift
from my nana.
She was a Rockette.
She married a Count.
He was blind.
He loved her for her mind.
Good color for the report,
but I got to be honest,
small stuff like this
almost never turns up.
Oh, no, Abed.
We'll be in touch.
You look familiar. Did I pretend
to shoot a guy in front of you
to teach you gun safety?
I'm really good at faces.
I guess the only upside is
it's brought us closer
as roommates.
Something doesn't add up.
There was no forced entry.
Had to be an inside job.
We don't know that.
Instead of taking cash,
pharmaceuticals, laptops,
they take my Batman DVD, and
one piece of ornate jewelry?
Nana gave it.
It's smoke.
It's a ruse, a lie.
Hmm?
I think I know
what happened.
Abed, I...
The landlord did it.
It all makes sense. Rick has
keys to every apartment, means.
Knows when we're coming
and going, opportunity.
He dressed as The Joker
for Halloween, motive.
Hmm.
Something's got to be done.
Oh, let's not leap
to thing-doing.
Right, Annie?
Double strike.
Got it.
Back blast.
Boom!
Viper shot.
Nailed it!
Oh, look.
How cute.
You do like foosball.
You just have to practice
with your mama.
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be making
weird art movies
or well-engineered cars?
Take that back!
We came to play.
Get away from our table.
We're using it, strudel-brain.
Nice.
Play us for it.
Fine.
Monday morning.
Only let's make it
interesting.
The losers never use
this table again.
Oh, you are so on
that things have now become
very much like
Donkey Kong.
We're gonna
kick das butt.
Nice.
Thank you.
Enough Teutonic punnery.
Monday morning,
you get this.
Were you guys walking
with a soccer ball
so you could do that?
They left the ball
and everything.
They were literally walking
around with it like a prop.
That's like a $25 bit,
and it's not even that good.
You have got to come clean.
I don't know what he's doing,
but it's dramatic.
I'm sure he's moved on
to some other obsession.
Oh, look, fun.
The police are powerless.
I must take justice
into my own hands.
Men like Rick
operate above the law.
But there's something else
above the law.
Bats.
And me.
Abed, don't do
anything drastic.
Maybe we should just
take a step back and...
Is that the grappling hook
I got you for Christmas?
The night beckons.
Its black fingers
curl and uncurl,
going, like,
"Hey, come here."
Abed, wait! Wait.
I did it.
I stepped on your DVD,
and it broke,
and I staged a break-in
to cover it up.
If that were true, you would've
come forward a long time ago.
You're lying to keep me
out of danger.
But there can be no peace
while crime spits and dances
on the grave of justice
to the hot beats and infectious
rhythms of all that is wrong.
Oh!
Just...
Use your foot.
Ooh!
You're okay. Okay.
Ooh!
Oh!
Troy! What are we gonna do?
Now you're open to input?
I'm following him.
You moving in here was
supposed to tone us down.
So, Shirley,
tell me,
how does someone with
your talent ever stop playing?
I don't want to talk about that.
We're like best friends now.
Don't back away from this.
Open up to me.
Okay, well.
When I was a kid,
I had anger, Jeff.
Real bad anger.
And foosball was a release.
But I didn't just beat people.
I broke 'em.
One time I was running
this table over at this YMCA,
and I was really giving it
to this kid,
this skinny white boy,
no offense. He started crying.
They always started crying.
This boy made me want
to take it all the way.
I started jabbing him
with the rods until...
the boy peed himself.
Everybody laughed.
I laughed.
But after that,
the game lost its flavor.
Once you make
a boy pee his pants,
you start thinking about
where your life is headed.
Jeff, what's wrong?
Gonna kill you!
Your ass is mine!
You're such a punk!
You like being beat by a girl?
Yes!
What are you crying for?
Your mama cannot help you,
I know your daddy ain't around,
or you wouldn't play
like a bitch.
Ha!
Ooh!
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Is that what I think?
I just beat this kid
all the way to tinkletown.
Tinkletown. Tinkletown.
Tinkletown.
You were Big Cheddar?
Who told you that...
Oh, dear Lord.
You're Tinkletown?
Don't call me that!
All your fake sweetness
and religion
is just a veil covering
a horrible monster.
And I had a lot of
Mountain Dew that day!
Sam, Ziggy says
there's an 80 percent chance
you can't leave Woodstock
until you bone these hippies.
Oh, boy.
You know what I came for,
scum. Where is it?
In the closet.
In the closet, man.
Abed, stop it!
Get him!
I mean, stop it.
They're in the closet.
I knew I'd get caught.
Just don't hurt me, Batman.
Closet.
Oh!
Women's shoes?
But Rick doesn't have a wife.
Or women's feet.
Wait. My summertime
ballet flats?
I thought I lost these.
Is it there?
Does he have the DVD?
The what?
The DVD.
He has it, all right.
And it looks like
he broke it.
Who are you?
If you had
something to say,
why not put it
in the text message?
I wasn't sure
what to say.
Do you understand what
you did to me, Big Cheddar?
Please, don't call me that.
Why not? It's what you are.
A mean, nasty bully.
I was 12 years old.
I peed!
I had to change schools.
I changed everything.
My clothes, my hair,
my personality,
because of you.
What a waste.
I wish I could take
a picture of you
and send it
to my 10-year-old self.
Watch it, Winger.
You don't have a trademark
on self-pity.
I will defend myself.
Good. Bring the cheddar...
Big Cheddar.
I'll put you on the express
train back to tinkletown!
Ah! Die!
Ha! Never!
Argh!
You get it.
No, you get it.
You need the advantage.
Wrong. Wrong!
Every game I ever won,
I won fairly.
Foosball was how I measured
my value. You took that away!
Why do think I had to?
Try sprouting three feet
when boys are about
to look at you.
Everyone stopped liking me.
This game is all I had.
It's all I had.
Well, that's stupid.
You're a perfectly
fine person.
So are you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
You don't have anything
to be sorry for, Shirley.
Rick has agreed to stay
out of your apartment
as long as you stay
out of his.
I'm getting tired
of saying this.
These things wouldn't happen
if you'd invest in a shoe safe.
That's it? We just live
upstairs from this...
guy that's really
into footwear?
Sweetie, you're a renter.
Look forward to owning a house.
Be glad he's not into heads.
Thanks for your help.
If you should ever need me,
I get out of school around 4:00.
This guys sleeps outside your
room, and that's okay?
One thing I don't understand.
Why would Rick deny
taking my DVD?
And why break it?
Maybe he stepped on it
by accident
and felt really,
really, really bad.
All the more reason
to confess.
Not everybody's perfect, Abed.
Batman. And I am.
Well, Batman,
on behalf of all of us
that aren't perfect,
can I just say I'm sorry
I broke your DVD?
Apology accepted.
I wouldn't mention it to Abed.
That guy's pretty ruthless.
And that's coming
from Batman.
Hey, guys.
Abed, where
have you been?
Troy, really?
Let it go.
Aw, black in the house!
My hand is cramping.
It's fine.
Oh.
Hey, Freudenkatzen.
Ready for your schpankin'?
Just like we practiced?
Let's shut 'em down.
Let's dance, David Bowie.
Get the ball, Karl.
I'm trying,
and stop yelling at me.
Stop being
such a Schwein!
Aren't you playing foosball?
We've played enough.
We're gonna go see
a movie.
Since when
are those two so close?
Well, this is
November 29th,
and I'm Leonard,
and today I'm reviewing
Eugenio's Four Cheese
Frozen Pizza.
That's $5.99 at Kroger's.
I've tried it before,
and we'll see.
Mmm!
Mmm, the cheese is good.
The sauce is good, too.
It's definitely a buy.
Eugenio's Four Cheese
Frozen Pizza.
A buy.
See you next time.