This is a historic day
for Greendale.
This state-of-the-art Subway
sandwichery in our cafetorium
represents Greendale's
first steps forward
into the realm
of the legitimate!
Ooh.
Oh, oh. No problem.
You know what?
I'm just going to
get it started
with my teeth.
The legitimate! Oh.
The legitimate!
That should be
my sandwich shop.
It was my idea
to put one there.
We're here for you,
Shirley.
Yeah.
Troy, Annie, and I
know what it's like
to be displaced.
They're tenting
our building for termites,
so we're homeless.
I'm staying
in the sleep study lab.
All I have to do is wake up
every three hours and go...
And I get two credits.
Yeah,
and we're going to build
a super awesome pillow fort
here at the school.
Another pillow fort?
Kind of repeating
yourselves, aren't you?
That was a blanket fort.
This will be a pillow fort.
Way more difficult,
way better.
All difficult things
are better,
like carrying a disease
or holding in
a fart right now.
Ah-ha!
I just found out
how Shirley and I are
going to take down Subway.
Oh, how?
Dean?
I assume you're familiar
with the Greendale bylaws.
I am not.
Shirley,
you do the honors.
My brain starts
getting weird
this time of night.
It's 10:00 a.m.
You're welcome.
Uh-oh.
"Any business
operating for profit
on Greendale's campus
"must be at least 51%
owned by a registered
Greendale student"!
That's too bad, Dean.
I don't recall
seeing Subway
in my premenopausal,
postfeminist
experiential
marketing class.
Actually,
I'm on the wait list
for the
premen/postfem/ex mark.
Who are you?
Gang, meet Greendale's
newest student, Subway.
Your name is Subway?
Yep, using a groundbreaking
but surprisingly legal process
known as corpohumanization,
real people such as myself
are now allowed to represent
the collective humanity
of business owners.
I have contractually waived
my birth identity
and am now
a man and student
named Subway.
I don't believe this.
Come on, Subway,
there is no way
you're 5'10".
So you can vote?
Actually, no,
because technically
I'm only a week old.
Aw.
But please don't think of me
as any less human
than yourselves.
I'm here to hang out,
take weird classes,
and party as hearty
as my morality clause
allows.
Eat fresh? Eat fresh?
Eat fresh.
That's my man.
Wow, did you know
Greendale students
are technically
in the Army Reserves?
Let's say a little prayer
for peace.
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
I should stay
Annie,
you've got to get me
into this sleep lab.
I can't think
of a better use
of my time here
than being unconscious.
It's not a blow-off class,
Jeff.
We're only allowed to bring
one stuffed animal.
I'm bringing Ruthie...
But using her pouch
to sneak in Nathan.
Well, have fun.
Wait, since when
do we have lockers?
Uh, since
Registration Day, 2009.
Jeff, did you skip
the Pre-orientation Freshman
Welcome Seminar
and Diversity Fire Circle?
This explains so much
about you.
Are you saying
I've had a locker here
for two and a half years?
Whoa, whoa. Wow.
"Halloween dance."
"Post-halloween dance."
"Dance contest."
"Contest dance."
Oh, come on.
What's this? "Save Garrett"?
What's wrong with Garrett?
Nothing now.
We saved him.
Aah!
Wait,
that's "saved" Garrett?
Ooh, what's this?
Love letter?
Oh, it's probably
one of many.
Oh, no.
This is a hate letter.
What?
Let me see that.
"Dear Jeff,
this might come as a shock
"to someone who thinks
he's God's gift
to the world,
"but you're actually
an inconsiderate jerk.
"Kim."
"Inconsiderate"?
Who's Kim?
I don't know, and clearly
she doesn't know me.
Gesundheit.
I didn't sneeze.
Look at these idiots.
Cattle, sheep...
Other animals
that travel in herds.
I want to say snakes.
Am I the only person
enraged by the fact
that corporations
are taking human form?
I totally predicted this
in my high school
newspaper column
"Britta Unfiltered."
Unfiltered. I get it.
Get what?
Actually, maybe Subway
taking human form
could be its undoing.
Uh, Britta...
You're a, uh,
progressive woman
of a more
liberated looseness.
You could get close to Subway
and find out some dirt on him.
Corporate espionage.
I like it.
Microphones hidden
in lipstick.
Lipstick hidden
in microphones.
And the deadliest weapon
of them all...
The penis flytrap.
Okay!
This conversation is over.
I am not a whore,
and not that
I've done the math,
but if I were, I'd be
the super classy kind
that gets flown
to Dubai to stay
in an underwater hotel.
Abed, Troy.
Ah, don't worry, Dean.
We have all
the proper permits
right here.
Oh, silly me!
This is a coupon for 20% off
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
No need to bribe me, Troy.
Actually...
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Look, I was just Googling
record lengths of stuff,
and apparently there's
a Guinness World Record
for the biggest pillow
or blanket fort.
So you boys...
You should go for it.
Put this school
on the map.
We'd have a better chance
of setting the record
if we made this
a blanket fort,
you know, take less time.
We wanted to make
a pillow fort.
I don't want
to sacrifice quality
for square footage.
We don't need
a world record to tell us
we did something cool.
But if we won,
we might meet that dude
with the curly
fingernails.
Shridhar Chillal?
Not interested.
I saw him on a talk show.
He came off as pretentious.
I'm going to
go get a drink.
Okay.
Troy Barnes.
Vice Dean Laybourne.
You have a beard
and a ponytail.
Going through some stuff
right now, Troy.
Don't worry about it.
Any chance you've given
a second thought to joining
my air conditioning
repair school?
Sorry.
Kind of busy at the moment
doing some awesome work
with Abed.
Ah, yeah, Abed.
You guys watch that
television show together,
don't you?
Inspector Spacetime.
Funny, Troy.
You and Abed have
always reminded me
of the Inspector and
his trusty constable Reggie.
Cool!
The Inspector, of course,
is smart, decisive,
and Reggie is...
Well, he's Reggie.
Reggie is trained
in zero-gravity martial arts
and has a whistle.
Yeah.
But he never really
gets to blow the whistle
unless the Inspector
says it's okay.
Less of a friendship,
more of a self-centered nerd
and his naive,
obedient lapdog.
Well, I got a thing.
You take care.
Well, according to the office,
this is the locker
of the only Kim I've had
any class with since 2009.
Wonder what you did
to make her so mad.
Maybe the two of you made out,
and then you forgot about her.
Annie, that's what
you think of me?
I don't make out
with forgettable women.
Can I help you?
We're looking
for Kim McFadden.
This is her locker,
right?
Are you serious?
She slipped a note
into my locker
a couple years ago.
I guess I pissed her off
somehow.
I'm hoping to apologize.
That might not be easy.
Kim's no longer
with us.
She died two weeks ago.
What?
Sorry to drop that
on you and run,
but there's a rally
for Garrett.
But we saved him.
Did we?
What do you recommend?
What's it to you,
meat pusher?
Sounds like you might
be a vegetarian.
You should try
Subway's Veggie Delite.
You should try reading
Orwell's 1984.
I have.
It's a great book.
It really awakened me
in high school.
I think kids should
be forced to read it.
Me too.
Anyway, you're living it.
You're a human puppet
with big sandwich's
hand up your ass.
Is this what you dreamt
of being?
Unfortunately
I'm not allowed to
discuss my former life
or engage in any
nonplatonic relations,
practice religion
in public,
or eat any nonfresh,
unhealthy food like that
found anywhere
outside Subway.
Why are you getting
all that?
I wanted to
stand next to you
for a moment.
It was worth it.
Like a good book by Orwell
or a Veggie Delite.
Is that you, Subway?
My eyesight ain't
what it used to be.
Eat these Tater Tots,
Harry.
For what it's worth,
I think you might see
more than all of us.
Did you see him
smiling at you?
Top-notch whoresmanship,
Britta.
Pierce.
Sorry. Whoreswomanship.
Forgot it was the '90s.
Uh-oh.
Anyway...
Thank you, Britta.
I knew we could count on you
to help us take him down!
Yep, that's me, the girl
who's going to destroy
the big sandwich company
with the dreamy eyes.
Ooh!
We did it, Pierce.
Powerful passage,
isn't it?
"She had become
a physical necessity."
You circled
this paragraph.
I can't say
that I did.
I just think it's
a striking expression
of love's ability
to persevere within
the cracks and cogs
of inhuman systems.
Who were you, Subway,
before you were Subway?
I can't say.
I have to live
within the rules.
This identity
is my life.
If I do this
for three more years,
I can live
a real dream.
Well, at least tell me
what that is.
I want to run
a nonprofit shelter
for handicapped animals.
Dogs with wheels
for hind legs.
Deaf hamsters.
One-eyed cats?
Well, they weren't
on the top of
my list, but sure.
I should go.
This is getting
out of bounds for me.
Eat fresh.
You should put
the small ones
in the middle,
or the wall won't hold
the ceiling.
Why do I always have
to be your Reggie?
What?
I wanted to make
a blanket fort,
and you never even gave it
a second thought.
I'm not even your sidekick.
I'm your underkick.
I never said
you couldn't do anything.
If you want to
make a blanket fort,
that's fine with me.
Thank you.
Just don't make it
part of my pillow fort.
Fine.
I'll start it
somewhere else.
Have fun stacking pillows
like a baby.
Jeff,
are you okay?
I'm lying on campus
furniture, so no.
Is it about
this Kim girl?
She is someone who died
thinking I was a dick.
I can never
apologize.
I can never
change her mind.
That makes me
a dick forever.
You think that's
what an apology is?
A spell you cast
on another person to
make them forgive you?
Apologies are opportunities
to admit your own mistakes.
Apologize to her locker.
But how can I apologize
if I don't know
what I did wrong?
Well, didn't she call you
inconsiderate?
Sounds to me like you know
exactly what you did wrong.
Leonard,
what are you doing?
Abed's fort
needs pillows.
But I was going
to lie there.
I was going to invest
in IBM in 1952,
but life is full
of disappointments.
Eating fresh,
are we?
Have you found any dirt
on Subway yet?
No, nothing. I should
probably hang out
with him more.
You know what I think?
I think you're falling
for him.
I am not.
Who do you think I am?
I lived
in New York.
You never lived anywhere.
You're a weapon
designed for sex.
You only think
you lived in New York
'cause I implanted
your memories.
Oh, Pierce, stop it!
Look what we're becoming.
I'm sorry we pulled you
into this dirty game.
I want you to stop.
Yeah,
we're pulling you out...
Right after
your last assignment.
This pen
is a microphone.
It's also a miniflask.
Did you just drink ink?
Just plant this
on Subway,
and you'll never have
to see him again.
Until then,
keep him interested.
And for God's sakes,
slap some life
on those dead lips.
Hello, Abed.
How's the pillow fort going?
It's hard making
something perfect,
but it's worth it.
Yeah, I'll remember that
when I'm being given a key
to the secret
Guinness Record
Holders' Clubhouse,
where I'll be hanging
with those two fat guys
on motorcycles
and being fitted
for a beard of bees.
Whoo! Well, Troy,
I just got off the phone
with Guinness,
and they are sending
a representative
to have a look-see
at your blanket fort.
Are we world-record ready?
Garrett?
We are still more than
2,000 square feet shy
of the record.
Abed's pillow fort
is the only thing
standing in our way.
Well, what are we going
to do here, guys?
Is there a way
we can connect them?
You can't
connect the blanket fort
to the pillow fort
and still call it
a pillow fort.
Even if you could,
I'd rather see
my work destroyed
than compromise it.
Great, Abed will destroy
his pillow fort,
and Troy will expand
his blanket fort
into the space.
Everyone wins.
Except Abed, but you know,
not everyone can win.
Is that what
you want, Troy?
For me to destroy
my pillow fort so you
could set your record?
It is.
Magnitude.
Evacuate Fort Abed,
and prepare
for self-destruct.
Sir?
Do it.
We're done here.
Pop, pop, Captain.
Oh!
Subway.
Britta, I was worried
you wouldn't come.
I can't stop thinking
about you.
Shh.
They wanted me to plant
a bug on you.
I can't,
and I won't.
Our values, our identities...
They mean nothing to me now.
Only the primal remains.
To me, you are simply
a physical necessity.
Mmm.
Oh, Subway.
Subway.
Oh, Subway.
Mmm.
Oh, Subway.
Oh, no, no.
No, this is wrong, Pierce.
I just wanted to open
a sandwich shop.
I did not sign up
for this.
You don't want to get
your hands dirty, fine.
I will.
Nice knowing you,
Subway.
If that is
your real name.
Ah.
Kim.
It's me, Jeff.
The inconsiderate jerk.
Look, I don't remember
hurting you,
and I have to assume
that's what hurt you.
God knows what crime
you've committed
to deserve me
disregarding you entirely.
But whatever your crime,
I think we both know
the real crime
is mine.
I'm a self-centered,
shallow jackass.
And I just want to
thank you for your note
because I'm going
to try and change.
I just wish you were here
to forgive me.
I am.
And I do.
I'm Kim.
What?
You said Kim was dead.
Because you never remember
who I am.
First year, we hung out,
like, ten times.
And each time,
you introduced
yourself to me.
That's why
I wrote that note.
And then today, it's like
you still don't remember me.
And... And you still assume
from my name that I am a girl.
I had no choice
but to make up
that awesome story
about a dead chick
to hurt you
like you hurt me.
I am so sorry...
Kim. Right?
Do you know how long I've
waited to hear you say that?
What the hell
is this crap?
Annie,
this is Kim.
I think because he had
a girl's name,
I never
took him seriously.
It happens literally
all the time,
which is insane
because 16% of all people
named Kim are men.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Don't apologize
to this guy.
You told me
to apologize.
To a dead girl's locker.
I thought
I was representing
the sisterhood.
Thought I was
teaching you a lesson
about all the girls
you dominate
and then ignore.
Not to waste your energy
on some weird, cloying,
hypersensitive stalker
with a girl's name.
Hey!
You are really mean.
Put it in a letter,
Jane Austen.
Prepare to initiate
Protocol Omega.
Good-bye, pillow fort.
You were a beautiful dream.
More than a dream.
It's here.
Who are you?
Someone who understands
dedication
to craftsmanship
in the face of mediocrity.
This world is run
by the unremarkables.
Don't do what
you always do, Abed.
Don't corrupt the host
to pacify the parasites.
Ask yourself,
"What if I stopped worrying
about their acceptance
of me?"
What if it fell
to the Reggies
of the world
to keep up with
the Inspectors or perish?
Now please turn your head
while I crawl away.
I'm going through some stuff
right now.
I'm very insecure.
What's going on?
I'll ask
the questions here.
You had sex with Subway,
and I recorded it.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
You know what, I'm going
to let this one slide.
What?
I know we have
very strict rules against
romantic entanglements
with our corpohumanoids,
but at this point in time,
we can't stop them
from having hearts.
These two are
clearly in love.
If they want
to express that love
in a perfectly healthy way,
then... Okay, hold on.
Is this
what I think it is?
That got unhealthy
real quick.
That... Okay, that's...
Yeah, that's weird.
That is well out
of the mainstream.
You know,
I was raised in the...
The Bay Area, but I...
I'm a father now.
Subway cannot
stand for that,
and frankly, Rick,
I... I'm surprised you did.
My name is Subway.
Not anymore.
The bread is stale.
No! No!
Oh, my God.
Subway, I love you!
Britta!
Shut up.
How could you?
Well, if that'll be all,
I'll be on my way.
If someone could
hand me my jacket.
It's right over there
on the coat rack
next to the door.
If somebody could
just hand it to me,
that would be great.
I guess I'm confused.
Why don't you just grab it
on your way out the door...
You know what?
Now I'm not leaving.
Now I'm just going
to sit for a while
and focus on how
unacceptable today was.
Jeff.
I wanted to apologize.
I never realized
I had my own issues
regarding gender roles,
and it was
certainly unfair of me
to take them out on Kim.
Mmm.
Who's Kim?
Corporate America
has destroyed love.
Again?
Subway!
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you were someone else.
Britta, you silly.
It is me, Subway.
What?
I had a great time
with you last night
in the pillow fort,
the one exception being
the deviant sex act
you initiated
without my consent.
Eat fresh.
Oh, jeez.
There is
a situation developing
in the study room.
I would elaborate,
but I am out of breath
because I walked here
very briskly.
Calm down!
Calm!
Down!
What's going on here?
Abed won't
tear down his fort.
I shouldn't have
to compromise
my craftsmanship
to placate mediocrity.
Mediocrity?
Okay, boys, boys.
The Guinness rep will
be here in two days.
Can we just flip a coin
to decide who has
to back down?
No.
Well, I'm dean,
so I'm making the call.
The pillow fort
comes down.
All right, you stay back.
Watch it, Star-Burns.
My name is Alex!
This is war!
Back, back. Back.
Go.
Back, back, back
in the fort.
To be continued.
Sir, it appears that
Troy Barnes' blanket fort
may go to war
with Abed Nadir's
pillow fort.
Of course.
Soon Troy and Abed
will be torn asunder,
and an unencumbered Troy
will turn to his destiny...
The air conditioning
repair school.
You are a cold-blooded man,
sir.
Yes.
How unfortunate
for Troy and Abed.
Huh.
See you at band practice.