Ah, should be on.
Okay. Ah.
Um, my name
is Alex Osborne,
and if you're
watching this,
it means I'm dead.
Or I'm just
showing you.
Uh, but I'm
probably dead.
To my ex-wife Magda,
I leave herpes.
But she knows that,
it's dealt with.
As for my collection
of Styx albums,
I leave that to no one.
Because that's
who appreciated Styx
as much as me.
Finally, there's
a kid named Abed
who makes movies
at my community college,
and to him I leave the task
of creating
a video tribute
of my life.
What follows is some
general purpose footage
that he can use.
Where did you get this?
Some one-armed guy
with a scar on his
face dropped it off.
He said he was
Star-Burns' lawyer.
How one-armed was he?
Tell me when to stop.
It was the other arm.
You guys!
I feel oddly compelled
to fulfill his request.
Would you guys help me
write obituary copy?
You mean like, "Star-Burns
died how he lived.
In a meth lab explosion"?
Can we turn this off?
I'm not as comfortable
with death as you guys.
He's in a better
place now.
Yeah. The Blu-ray shelf.
What is that?
Star-burns also
left me his ashes.
He requested
they be burnt.
I don't think he knows
how ashes work.
The small one's his lizard.
If we rub that,
will he come out and
do celebrity impressions?
I don't think so.
Then I want it out of here.
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
I should stay
You guys, how long are we
going to avoid talking
about this really serious
thing that's happened?
Is it always
about the holocaust
with you people?
I'm talking
about Star-Burns,
you know, dying.
I know it's sad, but death
is a natural part of life
and by the time
I finish this sentence,
100 people will have
died in China.
Why did you stop talking?
I have to
call my pen pal.
Star-Burns was a good man.
He barely
sued me that time
I ran over his foot.
I say we honor Star-Burns
by discussing him
the same amount we did
when he was alive.
Jeff,
have some respect.
He might have been
a scuzzy weirdo
who shaved his sideburns
into star shapes...
Pai Mai?
It's Troy.
Are you okay?
Okay, good, I gotta go.
This costs $7.
But he was also a classmate,
a kinda sorta friend sometimes
and above all,
a human being.
He touched all our lives.
Annie has a point.
The death of a peer,
especially at our age,
can trigger a whole
range of emotions.
As a psychologist
Student.
I hereby offer
my licensed
Unlicensed.
services as
a grief counselor.
Grief causer.
If anyone needs to talk,
the doctor is in.
Not even close.
Britta, I could
use some help
dealing with my grief.
Great.
Yeah.
I was hoping
you'd say that, because
I came prepared.
You seemed smarter
than me when I met you.
Thank you.
For the purposes
of this exercise,
I am Star-Burns.
Tell me the things
you never got
a chance to say to me.
Come on, guys,
you can ask me anything.
What's heaven like?
Uh, I don't know. Glittery.
Ask me something else.
Have you seen
Tim Russert?
Guys, you are
doing this wrong.
Ask me something personal.
Star-Burns,
I didn't know
you that well,
but why did you smell
exactly like salami?
Abed.
I got one.
Where's my comb?
I don't know.
Yep, it's him.
Why did you
tape that switchblade
to your ankle?
Why did you always poop
with the stall door open?
Is it true you
made out with Britta?
I don't see
how that's relevant.
It was fat Neil's
black light party.
Vicki saw you.
If that's true...
If. Maybe it was because
she was really drunk
and she had just found out
that her first boyfriend
was getting married.
If you guys are gonna
do this wrong, then
I'm gonna take these off.
Ow!
Okay, grief counseling
is growing on me.
Ben chang is here.
Ah, send him in.
Ben, how's it Deaning?
Can't com-Chang.
Just needed you
to sign this.
Okay.
Let's just give this
a little look-a-roo.
"Request for
increased security."
"Cool new uniforms."
I like that.
"Power to
enact martial law,"
Not so much.
"Indefinite detention,
pepper spray,
"involuntary cavity searches,
no soft-serve"?
All liquids and gels
must be in sealed bottles
no larger
than three ounces.
I'm sorry, Chang,
this stuff is too extreme.
This is a community college,
not an inner-city high school.
It's a community college
where a degenerate
just blew himself up
with stolen lab equipment.
To be fair,
it was the crystal meth
inside the stolen
lab equipment
that blew him up.
That's the problem
with you civilian suits.
You want the results
but you don't want to know
how the sausage gets made.
Well, I'll tell you
how the sausage gets made.
It's a lot of ground
meat and it gets
stuffed into a casing
that looks like a cross
between a dude's
dong and a poop.
I don't know
how that helps me,
but please leave.
Fine, but you
will regret this.
I doubt it.
This just came for you.
Great.
I have to give
more bad news to Jeff
and his study group.
Hold my calls,
I have to pick an outfit.
Who wants to dance?
Nice work, everyone.
Now think about that last
little puppy in that basket
out of all those puppies.
And now,
he's catching fire too.
Britta!
Why are you making us
feel these things?
We need to bring
our emotions to the surface
and explore them.
Does it always have
to be puppies though?
Oh, come on, everybody.
This is a completely
unnecessary process.
What Jeff's
doing right now
is called denial
and it is the first
of five stages of grief
that ends with acceptance.
Name any other stage.
What are you, my final?
Maybe we don't need
grief counseling.
But seems like
the least we could do
is have a memorial
or something.
Oh, yes, we could
have a little service
and I could bring
some of my brownies
and I guess someone
should sing Ave Maria.
I mean,
I can do it. Whatever.
Sure, why not
drag it out for weeks?
Why not wallow
for the rest of our lives
and never
get anything done?
Or we could just admit
the simple fact that one day,
something is in your life
and one day, it's not.
Dean-jour, mes amis!
Unfortunately,
due to the whole
Star-Burns
meth lab explosion,
professor Kane
has resigned,
and you biology class
has been can-can-cancelled.
Your grade is now
an incomplete.
You'll have to make up
the credit in the summer.
My summer is gone?
No.
No!
Well, I had a little
Rockette kick-line
thing planned, but...
Okay.
That was Garrett
singing, um, Ave Maria?
Ave Maria!
Uh, now, Shirley,
I understand you wanted
to sing something as well?
No, thank you.
Okay, then let's move
on to the eulogies.
Does anyone have
anything they wanna say
in the memory of Star-Burns?
Oh! Because his sideburns
were shaped like stars.
I just got it.
I just got that.
Anything at all.
This is a safe place to
say what you're feeling.
I'll say something.
Oh, oh.
After learning about
Star-Burns' death,
I personally went through
the stages of grief
and have now arrived
at the final one,
acceptance.
Whoo! Closure!
Acceptance
that this place,
this fallujah
of higher learning
is a prison from
which none of us
will ever escape.
Okay, Jeffrey,
now we're mixing
metaphors here...
And it turns out
that Star-Burns,
this man in this urn,
was a hero to us
the whole time
because he did
the one thing
that none of us
ever tried to do.
He got out.
And then he exploded.
Because Greendale
hates its students.
No. No.
It sucks the lives
from their bodies
and forces
their desiccated husks
to attend summer school.
Okay, Jeffrey,
this is a funeral.
Let's keep it light.
Annie, Annie,
maybe you could say
something nice
about Star-Burns.
Get some sugar
to go with that spice.
Way to go, Jeff.
Star-Burns or Alex,
as he like to be called,
was a human being.
A Greendale human being.
Like me.
I've given this place
my childhood,
my enthusiasm,
and my loyalty,
and in return,
Greendale has warped me
like a barbie
in a microwave.
Our school flag
is an anus!
You were the
guys who drew it.
We're not even the best
community college
in our community.
Let that sink in.
And the cherry
on top on this
total lack of sundae,
I'm failing
a remedial biology
class on a technicality
all because you don't know
how to run a school.
Oh, that's...
Shame on you, Dean.
Shame on you!
Edison out.
Wow. Let's maybe
not drop the $50 mics,
okay, guys?
Shirley, you love Jesus.
I think
we all could use
some good old-fashioned
religion right now.
Well, uh, all right.
Um, Star-Burns, I'm told,
um, was a drug dealer.
Which, of course,
is not good behavior.
Which... But he...
It was a business.
Um, he had
an entrepreneurial spirit.
Amen.
I had an
entrepreneurial spirit.
I had dreams.
Dreams of opening
a sandwich shop
in this cafeteria.
And Greendale listened
to those dreams,
and stole them.
And sold them to Subway.
Worst wake ever.
I'm starting to get
nervous about this.
Yep, it'd be nice to have
some protection, right?
Think maybe it's about
time you signed this?
Just promise me
you'll use restraint.
Yep. Every type we got.
Gentlemen!
All hail Chang!
This is the day
we've been waiting for.
Suit up!
You say sucks
Peace.
Boo boo boo.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, oh, no, you don't.
Look, I don't know
how this got
out of hand either.
But as a student
who's been at Greendale
for over a decade,
I think I've earned
the right to say
a few final words.
Let him talk!
I'm sorry.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's burn
this mother down!
Yeah!
Helter skelter!
No, no, no!
I'm gonna take everything
but onions and olives.
I know
my comb's in here,
you son of a bitch!
Look, tiny riot gear.
Aw!
It's so peppery!
Oh, no.
Strange,
I'm not finding any
pepper spray on you.
Well, check harder.
It's not like I'm crying
because I was chased
by the gang
of scary 12-year-olds.
No entry, we're guarding
general Chang's prisoners.
Okay,
this is my school,
and I will enter
whatever I want.
Well, Subway
has threatened to
pull out of Greendale
and the school board
is furious.
Tomorrow, they are having
a hearing to investigate
the ringleaders
of the riot, aka
the Greendale Seven.
Catchy.
How about
Pierce Hawthorne
and the Greendale Six?
Pierce!
How about
the Greendale Five?
I'm such a bad dean.
No, you're not.
Well, you are. But...
We're worse students.
While you tried
to save Greendale,
we trashed the school
like a TV commercial
where the teacher
banned skittles.
That's sweet of you
to say, Jeffrey.
But it doesn't
change the fact
that we're all Ted Danson
at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.
What if we all back
each other up to the board
and explain the we
were all experiencing
"funeral crazies"?
I can say that's a thing
because I'm a psych major.
They're still
going to need a fall guy.
How about
the crazy man
who commanded
a bunch of preteens to
spray poison in our faces?
You know what?
It was right under
our noses, wasn't it?
Group hug.
Where I'm between
Jeff and Troy.
Here we go...
Oop, you're walking
away from the hug.
Hey there, Ben.
Would you mind
scooching from my desk?
Got some
testimony to prepare
for the school board
meeting tomorrowsies.
That testimony wouldn't
happen to involve
pinning the riot on me.
Ben, I'm sorry,
but this has gone too far.
I regret issuing those
extraordinary powers to you.
I regret letting
this child army
get out of hand.
I regret giving you that
unasked for adult back rub
when you were
asleep that once.
I think we're gonna
have to let you go.
Nuh-uh,
ain't happening.
I always knew
this day would come.
Now the only person getting
replaced around here is you.
Oh, my god, it's me.
I will...
The single worst wake riot
this district has ever seen.
And we've seen our share.
Tables, chairs, floors,
ceilings, all affected.
A campus
already in mourning
is pushed into chaos.
And sitting here
facing me now,
the so-called
Greendale Seven.
Reportedly responsible
for inciting the
entire chain of events.
This is some
pretty serious stuff.
Sir.
Although my friends
and I behaved
somewhat irresponsibly,
we shouldn't forget about
the circumstances on campus.
We had just
lost a classmate.
And a lizard,
Your Majesty.
It was an emotional time
and we acted emotionally.
But the real question is,
how did the school respond?
The riot was exacerbated
by the school
security staff's
heavy-handed and,
frankly, insane response.
Hey, everyone.
Oh, so sorry
to pop in like this.
I really hope
I'm not interrupting.
Just wanted to see how
everything's going,
and those are
for you fellows.
I never forget a face
or a favorite cookie.
And I brought extras,
because I know how Richie
got into that
last basket I brought.
Probably good
to have a backup.
I did. I did get into
them pretty good.
So everything going okay?
Or are you guys going to
trash this building too?
Yeah, we were just
going over the charges.
Seems like you
had your hands full
with these individuals.
This is crazy.
You guys are
really buying this?
Excuse me?
Chang is a psychopathic
wannabe warlord
with an army
of prepubescent thugs.
He was living
in the school's air
vent system with a monkey!
That's not...
Well, where's the dean?
He'll tell you.
Hey, guys.
Can't stay, gotta run,
but, uh,
these troublemakers
have got to go.
I think
I've heard enough,
and I don't see
what choice I have.
Greendale Seven.
Jeff Winger,
Annie Edison,
Pierce Hawthorne,
Britta Perry,
Shirley Bennet,
Abed Nadir,
Troy Barnes,
you are hereby expelled from
Greendale community college.
May god have mercy
on your souls.
Rusty Bucket?
Yep.
Okay,
transform and roll out.
13 years of college
down the drain.
I was gonna be
the first one in my family
to graduate from
community college.
Everyone else graduated
from normal college.
Now they're really gonna
give me a hard time.
You're drinking?
Yeah, well, my life
can't get double ruined.
Can't believe
we're expelled.
Greendale was our home.
Britta, isn't it time
for you to explain
that every failure
is also an opportunity?
Whatever, I'm the worst.
I'm also the worst.
Not gonna argue,
but I am gonna forgive you.
That's the pizza.
Roll a die to see
who gets it?
I'll get it.
You guys remember our
housewarming party?
What would have happened
if I had just let Jeff
roll the die that night?
I assumed this
was the best timeline,
but what if it's the darkest?
Well, I don't
think anyone knows
what you're talking about,
but it does seem like things
couldn't get any worse.
No.
We're all gonna
get through this.
We're all alive
and we're all fine.
And Britta,
you're not the worst.
You're the best.
He's right.
Things are bad.
But we're together.
That makes this
the perfect timeline.
Wait.
There are other timelines?
Pizza time.
blood in your eyes
fight with steel
and honor