So cellular mitosis
is what?
I miss Troy.
Wrong, and stop
guessing that.
Annie.
I'm worried
about Abed.
He hasn't
left the apartment
since Troy moved out.
He won't even play
in the Dreamatorium.
Sorry, not "play."
"Render imaginated
dreamscapes."
Guys, we just finished
retaking biology all summer,
and if I don't
pass this final,
it was for nothing.
Can we stay on target?
Did someone say
"sexy construction worker"?
Ooh!
Stay... Stay on target.
I'm dressed like this
because I'm building
to big news.
Subway has officially ended
its agreement with Greendale,
and the restaurant
I've chosen
to occupy
the cafeteria kiosk is...
Shirley's Sandwiches!
I just need one of you
to sign this
as the official owner
of the business.
Ooh,
we should both sign it,
we're 50-50 partners.
But there's
only one dotted line
on the form, so...
Oh, well, Pierce can...
Me.
Hey!
I paid for it.
Well, there'd be no "it"
to pay for
if I hadn't done
all the work.
My goodness, this molehill
is becoming a mountain.
You guys work it out,
while I put together
an alpine costume.
I knew eventually
you'd try to box me out
of my own business,
just like
Hawthorne Wipes did.
I'm not
letting you guilt me
into letting you
call yourself the owner
of my company.
Jeff! Hello?
Get involved.
No.
I am here to replace
my fake bachelor's
so I can get back
to my life as a lawyer.
Nobody else is sacrificing
their interests.
Don't ask me to
sacrifice mine.
Don't ask me
to sacrifice mine.
That's you just now.
Okay, so name
the stages of mitosis.
Ooh, I gotta go.
Unbelievable.
Today is Abed's
first therapy session.
His what?
He's been feeling
extra vulnerable lately
having lost Troy
to the air conditioning
repair school,
so he's finally
gonna let me practice
my psych skills on him.
Give me some credit,
Winger.
What's the worst
that could happen?
Classic tee-up.
Shut up, Leonard,
I know about
your crooked wang.
No such thing
as bad press.
Hey, Abed.
This can't be good.
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
I should stay
There are those who ask,
why connect
the capillary tube
directly to
the compressor valve?
Oh, sure,
why not just attach it
to the moisture
accumulator?
Hey, Troy.
We boring you?
I miss my friends.
He misses his friends.
Aw.
Mr. Barnes,
gather your things
and come with me.
Now!
The Sun Chamber.
A shameful relic
from a savage chapter
of our history.
Repairmen would duel
each other inside,
losers succumbing
to heat exhaustion,
or worse.
Troy, there is a prophesy.
I miss Abed so much.
I'm ashamed to confess
that I once thought
that this might be me.
Now I realize
that it's you.
You are
the true repairman, Troy.
You fix not only
air conditioners,
but the men
who fix them.
It's a trade school.
It's a two-year degree
in boxes that
make rooms cold.
Sir, there's been
a flow duct rupture
in quadrant four.
I'll handle it.
This is your destiny,
Mr. Barnes.
The true repairman
will repair man.
Abed.
I'm not talking to you
because I'm not crazy.
Think of it
as inner dialogue.
I'm reading the novelization
of Chronicles of Riddick.
Can you honestly tell me
that's a saner decision?
You're worried
you'll go crazy
without Troy.
That's why you're gonna
let Britta fix you, right?
Because you think
you're broken,
you're gonna get diagnosed
by someone who said
her favorite superhero
was X Man?
I'm a little scared.
Things are bad.
When the world
gets bad enough, Abed,
the good go crazy.
But the smart...
They go bad.
Come on in here,
let's talk about it.
I think it's safer
if I talk to Britta.
I think it's even safer
if I talk to her first.
Hello.
Are you here to help me
with biology,
or get me to help you?
Bi-ol-o-gy.
Are you lying?
Hard to break the word "yes"
into lilting syllables, huh?
Ye-es?
Look, Pierce and I
are so close
to getting the sandwich
shop going.
I just need you
to help...
Look.
You want one piece
of free advice?
Let Pierce cool down.
You know how crazy
and paranoid he can get.
A-ha! Crazy?
Paranoid? Impotent?
Cellular...
I knew you'd run
to Jeff,
and turn him
against me.
Mitosis.
Guys,
why are we yelling?
You sign that paper,
I'll sue.
Well, hold on.
This will be settled
in Greendale Court, 3:00 p.m.
Obviously, Shirley
has her counsel,
and I get to dress
like a judge.
I was born
in a courtroom,
sued it for
my own placenta,
and won.
Now I'm calling
my lawyer.
My biology final
is at 5:00.
I'm available
from 3:00 to 4:00.
I'll see you in court.
Hello, Abed?
Ready to get therapized?
Abed?
Hello, Britta.
Come in.
He's dead?
What's going on?
Vice Dean Laybourne
was repairing
a flow duct rupture,
and he inhaled
a lethal dose of Freon.
May his breeze
join the wind.
Okay, so mitosis
is when cells divide...
I wonder who Pierce
is gonna get
to represent him.
I promise,
whoever Pierce brings
won't be prepared for me.
That's the Winger guaran...
Is that the cold-blooded
former colleague
that got you fired
from your old law firm
by ratting on you
to the State Bar?
Tee.
So is this
a conflict of interest?
You know,
Alan working at your
former firm and all?
Hey, Pierce just did you
the biggest favor
of your life.
He hired a guy
I've spent the last
two years fantasizing
about stabbing
in the... Sundance!
Tango!
Hey.
So, the case
of the Sandwich signature.
What are you doing here?
I mean, me,
I have to, but you?
Hawthorne's a cash cow,
and old a-con here
is tugging at that teat.
That's money.
Money.
Please stop that.
So, full disclosure.
The firm would really like
to keep vitamin P
in its medicine chest.
Full disclosure.
I really want to be
done by 4:00.
Oh, that's the Jeff
wing basket
I remember loving.
Hey, just go easy
on Shirley.
Scout's honor,
Sinead O'Connor.
Oy-yay, oy-yay,
the honorable
Craig Pelton presiding.
First off,
there's one decision
I'll need
your help making.
Judging Amy
or Judge Judy?
You say your name
is Evil Abed,
which does not throw me,
because I'm a therapist.
So let's talk
about evil.
You know what?
Maybe I should talk
to Good Abed instead.
Where I come from,
his name is Lame Abed.
And you come from...
The darkest timeline.
You might call it
the Britta of timelines,
where everything
is the worst.
Jeff has one arm there.
Annie shot Pierce.
Troy can't speak...
Ah! Now we're
getting somewhere.
I think Lame Abed
sent you to talk
because you're
more equipped
to deal with fear.
That's the lame way
of seeing it, yes.
Here's the truth.
I've crossed
into your dark timeline,
and now I'm going
to darken it.
How?
Tell me about
your parents, Britta.
Um... No?
Barnes, you should be
in the chapel.
We lost a great
man today.
Yeah, he was the best,
wasn't he?
That's why
I don't understand
how he could rupture
a Freon line.
That's kind of
a rookie mistake.
I'm sure it was just
a faulty valve.
My first order
as Vice Dean,
I'm gonna have them
all replaced.
So you're
Vice Dean now?
Why the sudden interest
in air conditioning repair?
I thought you missed
your friends.
I do.
Then go be with them.
I'm releasing you.
But you...
Good-bye, Troy.
Miss Edison,
do you recognize
the baby in that picture?
That's Shirley's baby Ben.
Would you think less
of Shirley Bennett
if she offered
to sell Ben on Craigslist
for a chance
to bump it with Denzel?
That was a joke
for my cousin.
Damn those Facebook
privacy settings.
Jeff, do something.
He's got nothing.
I'm sure she didn't
mean that.
Or perhaps she doesn't
even love that baby,
because she spent
most of last year
not even knowing
who the father is.
Objection.
Establishing character,
Your Honor.
This woman is clearly unfit
to own a sandwich shop.
Alan, come on.
No furths.
I thought you said
you were gonna go easy.
Felt easy to me.
What was he wearing?
He was dressed
as a dinosaur.
Is that why you dropped
out of high school?
I don't know.
Are those even
real glasses?
No.
Ah, do you
feel that, Britta?
Your timeline's
10% darker now.
This was 10%?
Do you know what kind
of person becomes
a psychologist, Britta?
A person that wishes,
deep down,
that everyone more special
than them was sick,
because "healthy"
sounds so much more
exciting than "boring."
You're average,
Britta Perry.
You're every kid
on the playground
that didn't get picked on.
You're a business
casual potted plant,
a human white sale.
You're VH1, RoboCop 2,
and Back to the Future III.
You're the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.
Actually, that
sounds delicious.
I'm the center slice
of a square cheese pizza.
You're Jim Belushi.
Ah. 12%.
Where are you going?
To make this timeline
the darkest of all.
Starting with
your lame hero,
Jeff Winger.
I don't suppose Lame Abed
owns a bone saw.
So, Pierce,
you're seeking
full ownership
of Shirley's Sandwiches.
After all,
you did provide 100%
of the financing.
Correct.
You really did?
Oh, damn it.
Jeez, I came to
this thing unprepared.
I mean,
I... I guess it's my job
to somehow tarnish you
in the eyes
of the court, but, uh...
Let me check my notes.
Take your time.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, while
I'm doing this...
Does anybody know
any funny jokes?
I do.
An Irish and a Jew walk
into a Chinese laundry
with a gay duck.
All right, okay!
Oh, right!
So you're telling me
they're not good
at basketball?
I have no questions,
Your Honor.
Mommy!
Cruel.
Cruel, cruel, cruel.
In the name
of the five winds...
East, west, north,
the one we keep secret,
and south,
I hereby proclaim you...
This ceremony is a lie.
And having
a special room for it
is a waste
of valuable floor space.
You are no longer
a student here.
And we use this room
for yoga on weekends.
Remove him.
I am the truest repairman.
The truest repairman.
And this man
is a dishonor
to making air conditioners
work good.
And I have the right
to challenge him...
In the Sun Chamber.
Holy crap.
Your Less Than Honor,
can I call a recess?
Ooh, yay,
costume change.
Court briefly adjourned.
What are you trying
to do, Winger?
Zealously represent
your client?
Let me make things
a little easier for you.
Figure out a way
to throw this case,
or figure out
where you're gonna work
when you get out of here,
because I don't know
where it's gonna be
if it's not for us.
That's right, Jeff.
I went there.
You drove me there.
Miss Daisy's in the house,
thanks for the ride,
sorry about slavery.
Don't oversell
your clout, Alan.
You're partner because
I sold you to Ted.
Ted respects me...
Ted's gone.
He got too old,
couldn't swim
with the sharks,
and got eaten.
That makes no sense.
He started the firm.
You can't lose
your own firm.
You can if you're dead.
That shark thing
was not a metaphor.
I'm the big dog now.
So, you want
the last three years
in this toilet
to have a point?
Then I'm the guy
you got to make happy.
Or, you know,
you could finish up
your big win here.
Court is in session.
Blind justice presiding...
Aah! Oh, my God!
Ooh!
Oh!
Oh, one more recess.
I hit the corner
right on a fresh tattoo.
Well, boys and girls,
I hope you brought
your popsicles,
because it's about
to get scalding hot
in the Sun Chamber.
You already
know the rules...
Because there aren't any!
Jeez, Dennis,
are you on coke?
Take that crap off
and sit down.
Sorry about that.
Of course there are rules.
Two men are sealed
in the chamber,
each with
a broken unit.
The heat will increase
until one man yields
or dies.
Begin!
You're just in time for
Jeff's closing statements.
Who cares?
Everything is terrible.
Oh, no. Have you been
watching Dance Moms again?
I'm thinking
of dyeing my hair.
Evil Abed,
what are you doing?
I'm going to cut off
Jeff Winger's arm.
I won't let you.
That's horrible.
Don't you mean dark?
Welcome to my world.
Psst! Jeff! Winger!
Jeffrey, this is a...
a terrible situation for me
to have put you in.
A guy like Alan isn't above
making trouble for you
at your old firm.
Shirley, I...
It's not worth
your career.
I want you to have
what you want.
Thank you, Shirley.
Settle down.
Okay, Jeffrey, let's have
your closing statement.
Your Honor...
I have no closing statement,
because I'm throwing
the case.
No, no, it's okay.
It's fine,
don't worry.
My client, Shirley Bennett,
my friend of three years,
she told me
that it was okay.
She said what I want
was more important.
She's right, right?
I mean, guys like me,
we'll tell you
there's no right or wrong.
There's no real truth.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill you
just like I killed him.
And as long as
we all believe that,
guys like me
can never lose.
Was that out loud?
Because the truth is...
I'm lying when I say
there is no truth.
The truth is...
The pathetically, stupidly,
inconveniently obvious
truth is...
Helping only
ourselves is bad,
and helping
each other is good.
Now I just wanted
to get out of here,
pass biology,
and be a lawyer again
instead of
helping Shirley.
That was bad.
And my former colleague
wanted so badly
to keep his rich client
that he just asked me
to roll over
in exchange
for my old job.
So I guess we all walked
in here pretty bad.
But now...
Shirley's gone good.
Shirley's helping me.
It's that easy.
You just stop thinking
about what's good for you,
and start thinking
about what's good
for someone else.
And you can change
the whole game
with one move.
Now if you like this idea,
you can make it true
by doing something good
for everyone here.
Throw this case
out of court.
It's dumb.
That is all.
I withdraw my case.
Why didn't you
just do some
inspirational speech
about friendship?
You're fired.
Way to go, soft serve.
You're finished.
By the way,
never got a chance
to tell you this,
but it was me
who turned you in
to the State Bar.
I know.
And I never got
a chance to thank you.
This place
has made you so gay.
Hey! Don't use "gay"
as a derogatory term.
Booyah, good person.
Gentlemen, take this man
to the infinite labyrinth
of eternal ice.
Yes!
No!
No, take him
to the police.
He murdered someone.
Take him to jail.
You guys are weird.
Jeff, that was great.
You were like
a white Blair Underwood.
Shirley, if you're willing,
I think we should let
Jeff sign
the sandwich shop form.
Yeah, you could
represent both of us.
You know,
like our attorney.
My God, Pierce!
You had your
first good idea.
Thank you.
Britta, I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter,
Abed.
I should've never
played therapist
with you.
I'll change my major
just one more time.
But you can't.
You cured me.
I mean, I'm not cured.
I'm willing to admit
I definitely need therapy.
You're the only
kind of shrink
I could ever trust.
The kind
with as little control
over my mind as me.
Mind if I cut in?
Troy!
You're back.
Yeah, I made a new rule
that the air conditioning
repair school
has to act like
a regular school.
I can do that
because I'm their messiah.
Cool. I went crazy
and I wanted to
cut off Jeff's arm.
I missed you
so much, buddy.
So, Jeff,
we still best friends?
All right.
Cellular mitosis.
What is it?
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
than words can say
I should stay
just fade away
of the wait and sees
part of me
a perfect lie
into days
what you throw away
to recognize
Hello, everybody.
I'm Leonard.
I'm here today to review
Let's Potato Chips.
$1.79 at Kroger's.
Ah.
Get this sucker open...
Ah, there we are.
Now, I've already had
some of these,
but let's see.
Mmm! Crispy. Mmm-hmm.
Salty, not too greasy.
That one's
shaped like a duck.
Well, I guess
that's definitely a buy.
That's it.
Let's Potato Chips are good,
and they're a buy.