1 00:00:02,064 --> 00:00:04,116 Well, that was a weird afternoon. 2 00:00:04,275 --> 00:00:08,237 I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird, futuristic cult... 3 00:00:08,404 --> 00:00:11,750 but I wasn't prepared for a funeral with so much beeping. 4 00:00:11,907 --> 00:00:13,118 Well, let's not judge. 5 00:00:13,284 --> 00:00:14,375 Everyone has a right... 6 00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:17,584 to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose. 7 00:00:17,746 --> 00:00:21,128 Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay? 8 00:00:21,292 --> 00:00:23,379 I'm okay. Although... 9 00:00:24,295 --> 00:00:26,300 Troy and Abed are in mourning 10 00:00:26,464 --> 00:00:27,555 Please stop doing that. 11 00:00:27,715 --> 00:00:31,642 I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. So uncomfortable. 12 00:00:31,802 --> 00:00:34,520 I don't think they got we were singing "mourning" with a U. 13 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,978 You were singing "mourning" with a U? Oh, no. 14 00:00:38,142 --> 00:00:40,942 I still don't fully understand the laser lotus theology. 15 00:00:41,103 --> 00:00:44,152 So Pierce's body is in the coffin, and we buried it... 16 00:00:44,315 --> 00:00:47,661 but this energon pod contains his life vapour? 17 00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:51,164 All right here in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out. 18 00:00:51,322 --> 00:00:54,668 Once you reach level 16, you can see the colour blurble. 19 00:00:54,825 --> 00:00:57,245 Ridiculous cartoon nonsense. If there is a blurble... 20 00:00:57,411 --> 00:01:00,294 - ... the Lord keeps it hidden for a reason. - What up, N-bombs? 21 00:01:00,456 --> 00:01:02,461 How was the funeral? Awesome? 22 00:01:02,625 --> 00:01:05,472 No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome. 23 00:01:05,628 --> 00:01:08,178 It was deeply sad. You know, funeral style. 24 00:01:08,339 --> 00:01:10,842 Excuse me. I thought you guys hated Pierce. 25 00:01:11,008 --> 00:01:12,301 - No. - We didn't hate Pierce. 26 00:01:12,468 --> 00:01:13,512 Craziness. 27 00:01:13,677 --> 00:01:17,521 Are you sure you guys aren't just doing the "respect the dead" jig-a-lig? 28 00:01:17,681 --> 00:01:19,852 I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang. 29 00:01:20,017 --> 00:01:24,656 I don't know. I definitely remember you complaining about him a lot. 30 00:01:24,814 --> 00:01:27,531 Complained about him when he was alive. This is different. 31 00:01:27,691 --> 00:01:31,702 - Can't believe we'll never see him again. - Reminder, gotta live life to the fullest. 32 00:01:31,862 --> 00:01:35,291 By the time Pierce was my age, he had already been fired from 15 jobs. 33 00:01:35,449 --> 00:01:37,953 I've only seen two Police Academys. 34 00:01:38,119 --> 00:01:39,839 The last two. 35 00:01:39,995 --> 00:01:42,416 Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten. 36 00:01:42,581 --> 00:01:44,966 I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger. 37 00:01:45,126 --> 00:01:47,344 - Who the hell are you? - My name is Mr. Stone. 38 00:01:47,503 --> 00:01:49,555 That's easy for you to say. 39 00:01:50,089 --> 00:01:51,477 And for us to say. 40 00:01:51,632 --> 00:01:52,925 I work for Mr. Hawthorne. 41 00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:56,271 He specified in his will that no matter how natural in appearance... 42 00:01:56,428 --> 00:01:58,101 the circumstances of his death... 43 00:01:58,264 --> 00:02:02,025 a private inquest should be conducted to determine whether any one of you... 44 00:02:02,184 --> 00:02:03,691 his former study group... 45 00:02:04,019 --> 00:02:05,063 murdered him. 46 00:02:05,438 --> 00:02:06,529 - What? - To be cleared... 47 00:02:06,689 --> 00:02:09,275 you must all submit to a polygraph test. 48 00:02:09,442 --> 00:02:12,870 Schnizzle, you guys are in trouble. 49 00:02:13,362 --> 00:02:15,699 - Later. - Mr. Chang, I presume. 50 00:02:15,865 --> 00:02:18,748 You're also listed as a suspect and requested to participate. 51 00:02:18,909 --> 00:02:20,914 Fine, but I ask the questions. 52 00:02:21,078 --> 00:02:25,171 - I'm afraid I can't allow that. - All right, then just the "fine" part. 53 00:02:27,293 --> 00:02:28,420 We're losing Pierce. 54 00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:30,507 Everyone, quickly. 55 00:02:34,884 --> 00:02:37,055 Someone get a balloon. 56 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:45,034 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 57 00:03:03,704 --> 00:03:07,050 I always wanted to try a polygraph. Like the pie fight of cop movies. 58 00:03:07,208 --> 00:03:08,964 Or the acupuncture of the legal system. 59 00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,427 Can't believe Pierce'd think we might murder him. 60 00:03:11,587 --> 00:03:14,470 Yeah, what a waste of murder. I mean, he was, like, 79. 61 00:03:14,632 --> 00:03:17,597 Don't suppose anyone wants to know I consider this a violation. 62 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,599 Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce. 63 00:03:19,762 --> 00:03:21,482 - Final wish. - If I had a final wish... 64 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,403 - ... I'd use it to stay alive. - Do it. How do we begin? 65 00:03:24,558 --> 00:03:26,314 We're gonna start with Ms. Perry. 66 00:03:26,477 --> 00:03:28,067 - State your name. - Britta Perry. 67 00:03:28,229 --> 00:03:30,483 Had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce? 68 00:03:30,648 --> 00:03:31,822 - No. - Lie. 69 00:03:32,149 --> 00:03:35,827 I mean, we all wanted to slap him now and again, but I didn't kill him. 70 00:03:35,986 --> 00:03:37,992 In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce... 71 00:03:38,155 --> 00:03:40,326 - ... none of them involved his murder? - What? No. 72 00:03:40,491 --> 00:03:42,662 You had sexual fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne. 73 00:03:42,827 --> 00:03:45,757 - No! What kind of question is that? - I'm asking the questions... 74 00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:48,677 just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote them down, I assure you. 75 00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:51,466 - Mr. Winger, state your name. - Jeffrey Winger. 76 00:03:51,627 --> 00:03:52,671 - Are you gay? - No. 77 00:03:52,837 --> 00:03:54,308 - You sure you're not gay? - Yes. 78 00:03:54,463 --> 00:03:55,851 - Gay murderer says what? - What? 79 00:03:56,006 --> 00:03:58,972 - He's telling the truth. - I'll point out that means you're gay. 80 00:03:59,135 --> 00:04:01,685 - Ms. Bennett. State your name. - Shirley Bennett. 81 00:04:01,846 --> 00:04:03,187 Are you a dishonest person? 82 00:04:03,347 --> 00:04:04,854 - No. - She thinks that's true. 83 00:04:05,015 --> 00:04:08,112 You could have just said no. I'm watching you acting scientific... 84 00:04:08,269 --> 00:04:11,697 and then adding your little two cents every now and again. Continue. 85 00:04:11,856 --> 00:04:16,447 Is it true you're a donor with the pro-life organisation prenatalpatriots.org? 86 00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,164 - What? - Keep it cool, girls. 87 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,622 It's my money. It's my choice. 88 00:04:20,781 --> 00:04:24,791 If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters. 89 00:04:24,952 --> 00:04:27,087 Keep it frosty. Don't let your goats get got. 90 00:04:27,246 --> 00:04:29,381 Mr. Barnes, state your name. 91 00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:30,963 Troy Barnes. 92 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:32,466 I meant to say Butts Carlton. 93 00:04:32,877 --> 00:04:34,383 He did mean to say Butts Carlton. 94 00:04:35,463 --> 00:04:37,883 Barnes, you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne told you... 95 00:04:38,048 --> 00:04:39,555 Fat Albert died of diabetes? 96 00:04:39,717 --> 00:04:41,520 Yes, like any American would. 97 00:04:41,677 --> 00:04:43,184 - Angry enough to murder him? - No. 98 00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:46,608 Is it true you and Abed Nadir have an elaborate doomsday escape plan... 99 00:04:46,765 --> 00:04:49,731 to be used in the event of zombie attacks? 100 00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:52,195 We may have a designated rendezvous point... 101 00:04:52,354 --> 00:04:55,985 and a couple of bug-out bags filled with gold coins and condoms... 102 00:04:56,150 --> 00:05:00,373 in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat. Gold coins for buying food. 103 00:05:00,529 --> 00:05:04,373 Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare of any of your other friends? 104 00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:07,040 - Pass. - Answer the question. 105 00:05:07,328 --> 00:05:09,214 - No. - Troy. Rude. 106 00:05:09,371 --> 00:05:11,459 It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. 107 00:05:11,624 --> 00:05:15,171 You wanna see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat? 108 00:05:15,336 --> 00:05:16,593 - Guess not. - That's a lie. 109 00:05:17,046 --> 00:05:18,303 He's doing it again. 110 00:05:18,464 --> 00:05:19,935 Pierce is doing it again. 111 00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:21,763 Mr. Chang, state your name. 112 00:05:21,926 --> 00:05:25,272 Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. 113 00:05:25,429 --> 00:05:28,229 Nothing to hide. Let's do this. 114 00:05:28,390 --> 00:05:30,941 Have you ever masturbated in the study room? 115 00:05:33,854 --> 00:05:36,535 - Mr. Nadir, state your name. - Abed Nadir. 116 00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:38,826 - Have you ever 9/11 'd anyone? - No. 117 00:05:38,984 --> 00:05:43,160 When you were a child, did you kill a squirrel, surprised you felt nothing... 118 00:05:43,322 --> 00:05:46,288 and wonder if you were capable of doing it to a human? 119 00:05:48,452 --> 00:05:50,006 No. 120 00:05:51,872 --> 00:05:54,292 Do you and Troy still use Jeff's Netflix account... 121 00:05:54,458 --> 00:05:57,139 - ... without his permission? - You told Pierce that? 122 00:05:57,294 --> 00:05:59,382 You logged in at our place, never logged out. 123 00:05:59,547 --> 00:06:02,133 Is that why my review of The Grey is changing? 124 00:06:02,299 --> 00:06:04,554 - Stop giving it four stars. - I like Liam Neeson. 125 00:06:04,718 --> 00:06:06,190 Send him a message about roles. 126 00:06:06,345 --> 00:06:08,481 This is not the issue. You're stealing from me. 127 00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:11,225 And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice. 128 00:06:11,392 --> 00:06:12,649 - I had no idea. - Lie. 129 00:06:12,810 --> 00:06:14,447 Why would I even try that? 130 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:17,652 - State your name please, miss. - Annie Edison. 131 00:06:17,815 --> 00:06:20,496 Did you use your intelligence and organizational skills... 132 00:06:20,651 --> 00:06:23,664 to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne? 133 00:06:23,821 --> 00:06:25,162 And no. 134 00:06:25,322 --> 00:06:28,751 Is it true you overcharged Troy and Abed for their share of the rent? 135 00:06:29,368 --> 00:06:31,587 - Pierce. - Annie? 136 00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:33,751 Yes, but for a good reason. 137 00:06:33,914 --> 00:06:35,717 You guys know you're bad with money. 138 00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:37,796 I padded your share of the rent by $10. 139 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,009 I've been putting it into a savings account that yields 4 percent. 140 00:06:41,172 --> 00:06:44,849 You'll be thanking me in six years when you find out you have $86. 141 00:06:45,009 --> 00:06:46,183 That's jacket money. 142 00:06:46,343 --> 00:06:49,024 Did you hear that, Abed? We've been washing paper plates... 143 00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:51,315 and making our own toothpaste. Don't worry. 144 00:06:51,474 --> 00:06:54,024 When we have robot bodies, we can share a free jacket. 145 00:06:54,185 --> 00:06:57,364 You should know better than to hoard money. That's a stereotype. 146 00:06:57,521 --> 00:06:59,858 - Was that anti-Semitism? - No. 147 00:07:00,024 --> 00:07:01,068 That's sensitivity. 148 00:07:01,233 --> 00:07:04,615 It's anti-Semitic to do things like that when you know you're Jewish. 149 00:07:05,529 --> 00:07:07,866 We could have bought a tyre for our tyre swing. 150 00:07:08,032 --> 00:07:09,325 Or your own Netflix account? 151 00:07:09,492 --> 00:07:10,998 Liam Neeson? Not that great. 152 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,545 As if you were ever gonna get that tyre. 153 00:07:15,206 --> 00:07:16,878 All right. 154 00:07:18,375 --> 00:07:19,633 Let's begin. 155 00:07:19,794 --> 00:07:22,558 Wait, wait. What do you mean, "begin"? 156 00:07:22,713 --> 00:07:26,225 That completes calibration questioning. We're ready to begin the inquest. 157 00:07:26,383 --> 00:07:28,887 We're ready to end. We've humoured this long enough. 158 00:07:29,053 --> 00:07:31,140 Jeff, it's for Pierce. 159 00:07:31,305 --> 00:07:33,809 Look, respect for the dead is only a thing... 160 00:07:33,974 --> 00:07:36,525 because the dead usually don't do any more damage. 161 00:07:36,894 --> 00:07:39,480 - That's true. - You can quit any time you like. 162 00:07:39,647 --> 00:07:43,159 It should be noted Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20 million. 163 00:07:43,317 --> 00:07:46,580 Only those cleared of his murder can receive their bequeathments. 164 00:07:47,029 --> 00:07:50,411 I'm only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us... 165 00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:54,287 into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation. 166 00:07:54,453 --> 00:07:57,835 We're all smart enough to know we should quit while we're not ahead. 167 00:07:57,998 --> 00:08:00,050 - I do believe we should. - Yes, definitely. 168 00:08:00,209 --> 00:08:01,763 - Absolutely. - Right. 169 00:08:02,294 --> 00:08:06,055 - They're all lying. - We all know that, you judgmental bitch. 170 00:08:12,263 --> 00:08:14,731 Ms. Perry, have you ever eaten at the sandwich shop... 171 00:08:14,890 --> 00:08:17,026 started by Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Hawthorne? 172 00:08:17,184 --> 00:08:19,902 - Yes. - And what sandwich would you order? 173 00:08:20,062 --> 00:08:22,281 Only one I can, the Helen of Soy with no mayo. 174 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,370 - Helen of Soy. - Are you aware that to save money... 175 00:08:25,526 --> 00:08:29,038 Shirley stopped using real tofu and replaced it with Midwestern tofu... 176 00:08:29,196 --> 00:08:31,036 called meatfu? 177 00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,788 Oh, my God! 178 00:08:32,950 --> 00:08:35,750 It's still not actually meat, legally. 179 00:08:35,911 --> 00:08:39,209 You have never respected anything that I hold sacred. 180 00:08:39,373 --> 00:08:41,212 - I'm sorry. - Did you know that Britta... 181 00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:44,305 was high on marijuana at your son's baptism? 182 00:08:44,712 --> 00:08:45,756 I'm sorry? 183 00:08:45,921 --> 00:08:48,555 - Well, no higher than usual. - Not true. 184 00:08:48,716 --> 00:08:50,721 You did drugs in my church? 185 00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:53,056 I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. 186 00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:56,103 How do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? 187 00:08:56,265 --> 00:08:58,436 With a bris, there's an element of suspense. 188 00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:00,937 Next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do warm-up. 189 00:09:01,103 --> 00:09:03,488 Guys, these questions are obviously designed... 190 00:09:03,647 --> 00:09:06,661 to turn us against each other. If we wanna beat Pierce... 191 00:09:06,817 --> 00:09:09,321 we own up to our mistakes and forgive each other. 192 00:09:09,487 --> 00:09:12,998 Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests? 193 00:09:13,157 --> 00:09:14,996 In a church, Britta? 194 00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:16,416 For shame. 195 00:09:16,577 --> 00:09:18,084 It's where Jesus gets his mail. 196 00:09:18,245 --> 00:09:20,333 Answer the question, Adrien Grody. 197 00:09:20,706 --> 00:09:22,628 I know what Pierce is referring to. 198 00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:26,006 I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment. 199 00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:27,511 I happen to be a single male. 200 00:09:27,671 --> 00:09:28,929 Visitors leave things. 201 00:09:29,089 --> 00:09:31,640 Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties? 202 00:09:32,676 --> 00:09:34,682 You told me a hawk stole them. 203 00:09:34,845 --> 00:09:36,186 You exploited me... 204 00:09:36,347 --> 00:09:39,645 and made me believe in a slightly more magical world. 205 00:09:39,809 --> 00:09:41,446 To collect women's underwear, can't you buy them? 206 00:09:41,602 --> 00:09:43,239 They have to be won in battle. 207 00:09:43,521 --> 00:09:45,111 - Gross. - Awesome. 208 00:09:45,272 --> 00:09:49,698 I think we can all agree the gross thing is Pierce snooping through my stuff. 209 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,996 Abed and I go through your stuff all the time. 210 00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:53,542 Why keep bread in the freezer? 211 00:09:53,697 --> 00:09:55,952 Why's your bathroom mirror say "you're special"? 212 00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,964 - I don't have to ans... You took a shower? - Yeah. 213 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,800 - Mr. Barnes. - Okay. I did it, okay? I killed Pierce. 214 00:10:01,956 --> 00:10:03,509 - Lie. - Okay, good. 215 00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:04,709 Just making sure. 216 00:10:04,875 --> 00:10:08,221 You and Abed have a specialised, exclusive handshake you refuse to do... 217 00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:11,178 - ... with your other friends? - Absolutely. 218 00:10:11,340 --> 00:10:13,345 Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake? 219 00:10:13,509 --> 00:10:15,229 - Yes. - Lie. 220 00:10:15,594 --> 00:10:19,023 Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the video blog Fun For Friends? 221 00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:20,392 - No. - Lie. 222 00:10:20,558 --> 00:10:21,899 Silence, wench! 223 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,354 Hi, I'm Kevin. 224 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:28,577 This is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake you can do with your best friend. 225 00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:31,072 All right. Thanks for watching, guys. 226 00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:34,035 Don't forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe. 227 00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:36,581 - I can't look at you. - You should know I'm crying. 228 00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:39,955 I forgive you. To escape the pattern of self-righteous indignation... 229 00:10:40,119 --> 00:10:42,669 - ... followed by immediate comeuppance. - Mr. Nadir. 230 00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:45,049 It's happening. You broke my heart. Continue. 231 00:10:45,207 --> 00:10:48,470 Is it true you planted trafficking devices on everyone so you'd know... 232 00:10:48,627 --> 00:10:50,383 - ... where they are at all times? - Yes. 233 00:10:53,215 --> 00:10:55,434 You're changing your faces. Mad at me or hungry? 234 00:10:55,593 --> 00:10:56,934 You're tracking us? 235 00:10:57,094 --> 00:10:59,858 - We're mad at you, Abed. - Why? 236 00:11:00,014 --> 00:11:02,944 Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state. 237 00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:06,315 - Do you not read my updates? - I'm not the government. I'm your friend. 238 00:11:06,479 --> 00:11:08,151 That's what governments say, nimrod. 239 00:11:08,314 --> 00:11:12,027 When one of you gets kidnapped you'll be glad you don't have to count... 240 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:16,073 - ... the bumps from the trunk of a car. - Are those blinking dots us? 241 00:11:16,238 --> 00:11:19,786 - What's this one all the way to the side? - That's where Pierce is buried. 242 00:11:20,868 --> 00:11:24,214 Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin? 243 00:11:24,497 --> 00:11:26,715 I was trying to get it back. They're expensive. 244 00:11:26,874 --> 00:11:28,796 Abed, where did you plant these things? 245 00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,632 Feel better, you'll never find them. 246 00:11:30,795 --> 00:11:35,136 I know you know it's wrong to do that without telling us. Shame on you. 247 00:11:35,299 --> 00:11:37,553 - Okay, I'm ashamed. Lie. - Lie. 248 00:11:37,718 --> 00:11:40,815 Ms. Edison, is it true you once dosed the members of your group... 249 00:11:40,971 --> 00:11:43,356 with a pharmaceutical amphetamine? 250 00:11:47,978 --> 00:11:49,651 - Yes, kind of. - What? 251 00:11:49,814 --> 00:11:52,282 It sounds worse on paper than it was. 252 00:11:52,441 --> 00:11:56,072 We were cramming for the anthro final. Everyone was falling asleep. 253 00:11:56,237 --> 00:12:00,163 I put 5 milligrams of something in your coffees and we all got an A. Done. 254 00:12:00,324 --> 00:12:03,955 I'm a bad person for tracking you, but you altered brain chemistry? 255 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,211 I was up for three days. 256 00:12:05,371 --> 00:12:07,791 I invented a language, you fiiztbarping gitzgorg. 257 00:12:07,957 --> 00:12:10,128 - Sorry. - You messed with my brain. A big deal. 258 00:12:10,292 --> 00:12:12,179 I don't mess with your brain, Annie. 259 00:12:12,336 --> 00:12:14,009 - You kind of do. - I don't think I do. 260 00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:16,591 - What about her Facebook boyfriend? - It's different. 261 00:12:16,757 --> 00:12:19,972 You made a profile for a fake dude and lured her into a relationship. 262 00:12:20,136 --> 00:12:21,179 He's catfishing you. 263 00:12:22,096 --> 00:12:25,358 You're Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw? 264 00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:28,862 Whenever you were in a relationship, you hummed a lot and made pancakes. 265 00:12:29,019 --> 00:12:31,155 I did what I did in the name of breakfast. 266 00:12:31,313 --> 00:12:33,781 I bore my soul to you. 267 00:12:33,941 --> 00:12:37,038 I told you about my holding hands at Disneyland fantasy. 268 00:12:37,528 --> 00:12:40,209 Do you care about people at all, Abed? 269 00:12:40,364 --> 00:12:42,950 Answer on the polygraph. 270 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,463 Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking so he can get a better spot. 271 00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:49,124 Britta invited Garrett to Annie's birthday party. 272 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:51,295 Troy won't sit on the toilet seat after Jeff. 273 00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:53,962 When alone, Shirley refers to you as "those people." 274 00:12:54,128 --> 00:12:56,892 When Annie's with other females, she calls Jeff her uncle. 275 00:12:57,047 --> 00:13:00,642 - Shirley thinks we're all going to hell. - You are all going to hell. 276 00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:04,230 We're not necessarily gonna go to hell. I mean, what is hell? 277 00:13:04,388 --> 00:13:08,232 Guys, stop! We have to stop letting Pierce do this to us. 278 00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:11,815 Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question in quite some time, Mr. Winger. 279 00:13:13,272 --> 00:13:14,779 He's right. 280 00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,740 I actually forgot for a second that Pierce was dead. 281 00:13:17,902 --> 00:13:19,741 Maybe that's what he wanted. 282 00:13:19,904 --> 00:13:22,454 Or he wanted us to know we're no better off without him. 283 00:13:22,615 --> 00:13:24,205 Or no better than him. 284 00:13:26,285 --> 00:13:27,756 He kind of nailed it, didn't he? 285 00:13:28,537 --> 00:13:31,171 I didn't just masturbate in the study room. 286 00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:34,464 I masturbated everywhere. 287 00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:37,592 Everywhere! 288 00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:44,054 Confession is good for the soul. 289 00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,686 You should try it sometime. 290 00:13:51,644 --> 00:13:54,527 There's another round of questions, if you'd like to continue. 291 00:13:54,688 --> 00:13:58,568 Give us a moment to sit in our own filth before you heap another bucket on us. 292 00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:02,281 Strange, after all these years how much we've kept hidden from each other. 293 00:14:02,571 --> 00:14:05,371 You'd think by now we would have learned to be better people. 294 00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:09,792 I think we got into this mess by thinking there was such a thing as better people. 295 00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:12,791 Wait. That's it. 296 00:14:13,582 --> 00:14:16,382 If we're no better than Pierce, Pierce is no worse than us... 297 00:14:16,544 --> 00:14:19,224 then that means nobody's really that bad. 298 00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:22,394 So what if we're willing to suffer and inflict pain... 299 00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:25,100 at the mere prospect of material reward? 300 00:14:25,261 --> 00:14:27,313 If we stop now, that doesn't make us better. 301 00:14:27,471 --> 00:14:28,978 It just makes us so dishonest... 302 00:14:29,473 --> 00:14:32,403 that we would rather be poor than admit we're flawed. 303 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:36,440 Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich. 304 00:14:36,605 --> 00:14:40,318 Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way... 305 00:14:40,484 --> 00:14:42,904 not by saying fake nice things around a casket... 306 00:14:43,070 --> 00:14:48,124 but by admitting we're monsters and clawing joyfully for some of his cash. 307 00:14:48,617 --> 00:14:52,840 So does anybody have anything left before we continue? 308 00:14:52,997 --> 00:14:56,425 Let's empty our tanks of lies once and for all. 309 00:14:56,584 --> 00:14:58,920 I'm Jeff Winger, and if I had my choice... 310 00:14:59,086 --> 00:15:02,680 I would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with. 311 00:15:03,215 --> 00:15:05,801 I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot. 312 00:15:05,968 --> 00:15:07,142 It wasn't a taco truck. 313 00:15:07,303 --> 00:15:10,316 Racist of me to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle. 314 00:15:10,473 --> 00:15:13,190 I only give money to homeless people when I'm with someone. 315 00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:15,071 I've never been to Legoland. 316 00:15:15,227 --> 00:15:17,363 I just wanted you guys to think I was cool. 317 00:15:17,521 --> 00:15:20,025 I can be passive-aggressive sometimes. 318 00:15:20,483 --> 00:15:22,036 Don't everybody disagree at once. 319 00:15:22,193 --> 00:15:25,206 - Oh, Lord, I did it again. - When you chew gum I wanna punch you. 320 00:15:25,362 --> 00:15:28,376 May as well have machine guns in your mouths. Vibrates my skull. 321 00:15:28,532 --> 00:15:29,790 Everybody clear? 322 00:15:29,950 --> 00:15:31,161 - Yeah. - All right. 323 00:15:31,577 --> 00:15:34,377 Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale. 324 00:15:34,538 --> 00:15:37,006 May it be as brutal as we deserve. 325 00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:38,210 Very well. 326 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,546 Mr. Hawthorne's final round of questions. 327 00:15:41,170 --> 00:15:45,725 "Britta Perry. Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should... 328 00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:47,722 and that your passion inspired me?" 329 00:15:48,969 --> 00:15:50,013 No. 330 00:15:50,346 --> 00:15:51,817 That's true. She didn't know. 331 00:15:51,972 --> 00:15:54,143 "To Ms. Perry, I leave my iPod nano... 332 00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:57,816 filled with music to take life less seriously by." 333 00:15:57,978 --> 00:15:59,900 Oh, that's nice. 334 00:16:00,064 --> 00:16:03,576 "Also this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm... 335 00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:06,238 in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out... 336 00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:08,989 and you wish to raise an army of geniuses. 337 00:16:09,281 --> 00:16:13,078 Shirley. Did you know you are not only a credit to your race and gender... 338 00:16:13,244 --> 00:16:16,838 but to our species? I was intimidated by your strength of character... 339 00:16:16,997 --> 00:16:18,753 - ... and business acumen?" - Yes. 340 00:16:18,916 --> 00:16:22,095 "To Shirley Bennett, I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida... 341 00:16:22,711 --> 00:16:26,342 where she can take what's-his-name and however many children she has. 342 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,141 I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm. 343 00:16:30,094 --> 00:16:34,021 Annie Edison. Did you know that you were always my favourite?" 344 00:16:34,181 --> 00:16:35,474 You mentioned it once, but... 345 00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,904 "I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept. 346 00:16:39,061 --> 00:16:41,825 Same tiara I used to wear when my mother would assault me... 347 00:16:41,981 --> 00:16:43,571 for not being a little girl. 348 00:16:43,732 --> 00:16:44,776 Also sperm. 349 00:16:45,693 --> 00:16:46,737 Jeff Winger. 350 00:16:46,902 --> 00:16:48,789 - Did you know you're gay?" - No. 351 00:16:48,946 --> 00:16:50,334 "Agree to disagree. 352 00:16:50,489 --> 00:16:52,826 To you, I leave this bottle of fine Scotch... 353 00:16:52,992 --> 00:16:57,298 so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm. 354 00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,673 Abed Nadir. Did you know that you are insane... 355 00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:01,967 and nothing you said made any sense to me?" 356 00:17:02,126 --> 00:17:03,965 - Yep. - "Here's your sperm. 357 00:17:04,128 --> 00:17:05,302 Troy Barnes. 358 00:17:05,963 --> 00:17:09,012 Did you know that you possess the greatest gift life can give? 359 00:17:09,175 --> 00:17:10,302 The heart of a hero. 360 00:17:11,218 --> 00:17:14,600 And that it's up to you not to waste it like I did?" 361 00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:16,933 I think. 362 00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:18,939 "To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm." 363 00:17:21,145 --> 00:17:23,364 Maybe it's because everyone else got one... 364 00:17:23,522 --> 00:17:28,825 and because it's an old man's semen, but I'm kind of disappointed. 365 00:17:30,279 --> 00:17:33,244 "Also, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares... 366 00:17:33,407 --> 00:17:37,963 in the Hawthorne Wipes Company currently valued at $14.3 million. 367 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,172 On one condition. 368 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:45,632 You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon... 369 00:17:45,795 --> 00:17:48,263 by yourself around the entire world." 370 00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:50,510 - What? - Again with the bait and switch. 371 00:17:50,674 --> 00:17:53,688 "When I was 23, my father asked me to do the same thing... 372 00:17:53,844 --> 00:17:55,684 to earn my adulthood and his fortune. 373 00:17:55,846 --> 00:17:58,065 I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize... 374 00:17:58,224 --> 00:18:01,356 for a year doing coke with John Denver. I always regretted it. 375 00:18:01,519 --> 00:18:04,532 I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did: 376 00:18:04,939 --> 00:18:07,275 Become your own man." 377 00:18:07,691 --> 00:18:09,245 Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy. 378 00:18:09,401 --> 00:18:13,115 It should be possible to contest these conditions as unreasonable. 379 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,998 Pierce can take his mind games, his sperm and he can put... 380 00:18:16,158 --> 00:18:18,210 - I'll do it. - What? 381 00:18:19,995 --> 00:18:21,039 Troy? 382 00:18:21,205 --> 00:18:24,551 Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah... 383 00:18:24,708 --> 00:18:28,469 but I think he knew something about me that even I didn't know until now. 384 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:33,553 Because he's offering me something I've been searching for my whole life. 385 00:18:35,719 --> 00:18:38,223 Millions of dollars. 386 00:18:38,389 --> 00:18:41,402 And being a man or whatever he said. 387 00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:43,855 Jeff, say something. 388 00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:47,398 I'm speechless. 389 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:52,699 Somebody say something. Abed? 390 00:18:56,574 --> 00:18:58,045 Cool. 391 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,003 Cool, cool, cool. 392 00:19:00,327 --> 00:19:02,048 That's a lie. 393 00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:14,476 And then that sperm came down. 394 00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:16,603 I mean, I couldn't say anything. 395 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,101 But, oh, my God. 396 00:19:18,262 --> 00:19:19,816 I was gonna explode. 397 00:19:19,972 --> 00:19:22,606 And then that one, that last question... 398 00:19:22,766 --> 00:19:25,400 with all of that nice stuff out on the table. 399 00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:28,361 You were having this discussion about whether or not to quit? 400 00:19:28,522 --> 00:19:30,243 At first, I was like: 401 00:19:31,066 --> 00:19:32,241 But you did it. 402 00:19:32,401 --> 00:19:33,612 You did it. 403 00:19:33,778 --> 00:19:35,415 It was amazing. 404 00:19:35,571 --> 00:19:36,912 You're amazing, man. 405 00:19:37,072 --> 00:19:40,121 You're amazing. Guys, this is the best. 406 00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:42,419 We should do this every week. 407 00:19:42,578 --> 00:19:44,548 Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know? 408 00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,627 I mean, you talk about lying? 409 00:19:46,791 --> 00:19:48,131 I was lying the whole time. 410 00:19:48,292 --> 00:19:50,380 This is who I really am. This is me. 411 00:19:50,544 --> 00:19:52,715 This is the real me. I'm artistic. 412 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,392 Ideas come to me all the time. 413 00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,472 I have this idea for a movie. 414 00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:01,317 It's about this guy who oversees polygraph tests... 415 00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:04,058 and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is. 416 00:20:04,225 --> 00:20:06,561 People can't focus and tell the truth. 417 00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:07,938 It's unbelievable. 418 00:20:08,604 --> 00:20:12,151 By the way, we never found out how Pierce died. 419 00:20:12,316 --> 00:20:15,282 Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't tell you yet. 420 00:20:15,444 --> 00:20:19,834 It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders. 421 00:20:19,990 --> 00:20:23,253 I mean, it's how I wanna go, but, hey, I'm a little nutty. 422 00:20:25,037 --> 00:20:27,541 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 423 00:20:27,706 --> 00:20:29,676 Shots! 424 00:20:30,265 --> 00:20:40,265 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org