Jeff,
we've known each other
a long time, right?
You've come to respect me.
Sure.
Well, get ready to stop.
Please help me
seduce Britta
now that you've
finished doing it with her.
Please, please...
Do you even
really like Britta?
It seems like
you like her because
she doesn't like you.
Have you met the women
that do like me, Jeff?
Neither have I,
but trust me,
they're bad people.
Fine.
To get near Britta,
think like Britta.
Grab one of those
free papers for hippies
on the quad,
go to the calendar page,
and find a cause
so tragic...
Are you writing this down?
Okay,
we have confirmation
that all the bones
have been removed
from the football field.
And we agree that
teachers should get
a 10-minute head start
at the job fair.
Any other items?
It's Friday night.
What's everybody doing?
Oh, there's a benefit show
at the Forefront Theater
in Riverside
for starving children
with cleft palates.
Aw.
I'm gonna crash the premiere
of the Kickpuncher reboot
dressed like classic
Kickpuncher.
They shouldn't have
redesigned that costume.
Keep your heads
in the sand if you want.
Professor Duncan,
I didn't know that
cause interested you.
Well, it's starving children
with cleft palates, Britta.
What part would
you have me be
disinterested in?
Forefront theater?
Mmm-hmm.
What time?
I'm going.
I'm going too.
Me too.
Kids with cleft palates
should have extra
food, not less.
I'm in.
I have dinner plans.
Yeah, make sure
it's a hearty meal.
Oh, boo.
Help me out here.
Um, well, uh...
Pfft, are you really
the one that needs
help here, Winger?
Yeah, should we
write a check to
the Jeff foundation?
Okay.
Maybe I'll go too.
Well, it's the
least you can do.
Yeah,
feels good to help.
God bless you.
Cool, so 7:30?
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
I should stay
Did you get it?
I don't think I got it.
Well,
the ants were people.
The queen ant
was an oil company.
Okay, so it was about
our marginalized perceptions
as drones being born
into a corporate hive-mind?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Wow.
McDonald's?
Oh, I was just
thinking about that.
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm, hungry.
Hello?
Okay, Alessandra,
I can't talk right now.
I just got out of a show.
Okay, hold on.
Well?
Look, if you're gonna
just yell at me, why...
Why are you doing this?
This is not happening
to you, okay?
It's happening to us!
Well, you called me!
Well, then let me
be the one to do this!
Uh, my mother
used to tell a story
about how
she killed a chicken.
Hong Kong, 1964.
So you like
the theatre, Ian?
Oh, are you kidding?
I spent half my
days at university
in wigs and tights.
You don't do that without
befriending some actors.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, Michael.
I know Michael
from my anarchist days.
God, he's gonna
smell the sellout on me.
Hey. How's it goin'?
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
I don't like
this "my-kale" guy.
I don't think
he likes himself,
or he'd pronounce it
"Michael."
Isn't she great?
She's everything
I love about America.
Bold, opinionated,
just past her peak,
and starting to
realize that she has
to settle for less.
And the moment she needs
a shoulder to cry on,
bam.
Huh?
The Duncan handkerchief.
Well, I'm out.
Have fun circling
my former lover,
waiting for her to cry.
I tried to make
that sound good,
but that's
what you're doin'.
Eh.
Uh, you're all heroes tonight
for making a difference,
but I want to introduce
one of my heroes.
Britta Perry.
Oh.
She is the bravest,
most passionate activist
I have ever had
the honor of imitating.
So, hey,
buy her a drink.
Anything you
wanna add, Britta?
Oh. Wow,
um, I'm not a hero.
I'm a high school dropout
and a bartender,
so don't listen to me.
Or anyone.
Just listen to yourself,
and make sure
you tell yourself the truth.
Well, it was...
It was great
seeing you, so...
I might stay
for one drink.
Why?
I like to drink.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I have a serious problem.
That had better be true.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
I am Kickpuncher.
You are in violation
of future law.
(MIMICS LASER BEAM,
EXPLOSION)
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew! Pew!
Oh.
Damn it, come on.
What are you doing?
What?
What...
What are you doing?
Making a costume
for a movie premiere.
Annie banned glue guns
from the apartment
after an incident
so hilarious that
even describing it
would narratively eclipse
what's happening here.
What's happening here?
You and me bonding.
Check it out.
Tell me the truth.
If you were a
post-apocalyptic survivor...
I would raise goats,
hoard cinnamon,
and travel only at night.
But, please, I have
some work to do here.
Just one thing.
Watch this.
Initiate ballistic foam.
Oops.
What the hell?
Sorry.
You just destroyed
five hours of work!
I'll clean it up.
No, you don't touch it!
I know
this is bad timing,
but I should go if
I'm gonna make
the movie, so...
What are you doing?
Oh.
Something nobody ever does.
Teaching you consequences.
But I have to go.
But you can't.
Huh, isn't that crazy?
You ever been grounded?
You ever been punished?
Do you have any idea
what it feels like
to be refused something?
I know what it
feels like when people
try to control me.
You should know
it never goes their way.
Ooh.
And what "kicky-punch"
movie is that from?
The ones you've seen
or the one I'm gonna
watch you miss?
I said I was sorry.
I'm sorry
I punched my landlord,
but I'm not gettin'
my deposit back.
That's an example
of you being punished
for choosing
to hurt someone.
I wrecked your papers
by accident.
You chose to spray
this crap on purpose
because you didn't care
what happened.
You know,
let me tell you something.
For five years,
I have watched people
walk around
on your eggshells.
"Oh, Abed.
He's so imaginative,
so magical.
"Everybody hide
their hamburgers!
"If Abed sees a hamburger,
we'll all travel in time.
"Let's eat cookies
and ice cream
"and dress in pajamas
in the middle of the day."
I watched
my third wife die!
You think I'm spoiled?
And you think
I'm spoiled because
it's never occurred
to anyone to do this?
You're not the Marco Polo
of bullying me.
You're just another
tourist taking pictures
of a great, big wall.
Oh, you're gonna
make me cry.
When's the last time someone
physically limited you?
Oh, just now.
You physically
ruined my drawings.
Drawings of what?
You're an artist?
I destroyed
something valuable?
Looked like you
were doodling chickens.
He is a duck!
Uh-oh.
Hey!
You're not allowed in there.
Well, I just did
a one-man show
for a little audience
that would beg to disagree.
Audience?
In there?
We haven't had a single
person or performance
in that theater
since the 1997 fire.
24 people died.
So what have
you guys been up to?
Well, this.
Raising money.
Organizing.
Trying to make a difference.
I'm impressed,
and embarrassed.
I sold out.
We sold out.
You did not sell out.
I'm going to
community college
to start a career.
We're in real estate.
We own the building
we're standing in.
Wow.
You guys did sell out!
I know!
I should introduce
myself to her friends.
I knew it!
You don't have
a drinking problem!
You have feelings for Britta,
you disgusting monster!
Fine. Yes.
Something about
everybody liking her
turns me on.
Ugh.
It's a problem I have.
I hated Reese's pieces
before ET. Ate them, sorry.
You're a bad friend!
That's not fair!
Wait, that's really not fair.
You're a terrible friend.
She was mine first.
And it's not like
she belongs to anybody.
Oh, here we go.
"Love isn't a game,"
say the guys that always win.
And now, you're going
to go pull a Dane Cook
in one of those
three movies he was in
about Dane Cook
getting laid by accident.
Only it's not
a Dane Cook movie, Jeff,
because this time,
someone's watching me.
Your friend,
British Jason Biggs.
If you never
call me Dane Cook again,
I'll stand down.
For an hour.
Okay. An hour.
Are your duck
drawings a secret?
Is that why you do 'em
when nobody's around?
Not that it's
any of your business,
but I am a cartoonist
in my spare time.
My cartoon's about a duck.
I was drawing him.
Does the duck have a name?
Does he have powers?
I'm not pitching to you.
You're afraid
I won't like it.
Sure.
I've been a cab driver,
a soldier, a cop,
but what terrifies me
the most is the opinion
of a manchild
in cardboard pants.
Kickpuncher was a cop
before he became a cyborg.
So you were a cop
before you became this.
And what were
you before this?
Were you normal?
Or do you act like this
because somebody
stuffed you in a locker?
Is that the idea?
Other way around.
What else do you
want to know about me?
What makes you
stop talking.
Letting me go.
After you miss your movie.
Because you
want me to suffer.
For destroying
your duck cartoons?
The ones you're ashamed of?
Uh, which one
were you laughing at?
No, no, no, no, no!
Stop that!
You're ghosts!
We're ghosts?
The janitor out there
told me you died in 1997.
Janitor?
Hey!
Those guys in there told me
that you're the one
that died in a fire
and you're a ghost!
And you just believed 'em?
You just believed
a bunch of ghosts?
Have you guys
seen that billboard
on Water Street
for Consensual perfume?
The one with the man chasing
the woman through the grass
and it says,
"Proven in its field"?
Yeah, proven in its field
and in labs on
the eyeballs of rabbits.
We should make it say that!
Who's got the spray paint?
No, guys, I'm serious!
Doug and Janet,
you're on lookout.
Michael works the ladder.
I will banksy that mother!
Come on, guys, we gotta
start taking risks again.
Well, that's convenient for
the one with nothing to lose.
Oh, so the person
with the least wealth has
the least valid argument?
That's convenient.
Britta, how many people
have you fed this year
besides yourself?
Oh, Janet...
No, look.
I've spent enough
time feeling bad.
Fight the power!
Would you like to go...
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh, my God.
These are really good.
It helps me to see
why you were so upset.
Did I ruin anything
as good as what's in here?
Ah, just practice drawings.
I have to practice
drawing the duck
from different angles.
It's hard when his back's
turned three quarters
because of the beak.
Well...
I'm a real jerk
for wrecking it.
Ah, you didn't do it
on purpose.
That doesn't
excuse my behavior.
No, I appreciate that.
It's a good apology.
You're a good kid.
All right. Well...
I can see from
the clock that if I hit
all the green lights...
I'm sorry,
I can't let you go.
That'd undercut
the larger lesson.
Yes, the lesson being
that you're very talented.
But I have this thing.
I can't walk into a movie...
You're not
going to the movie.
Yes, I am.
You need this.
Let me go!
This is you learning.
You're a bad person
and a bad cartoonist.
You go ahead.
Hurt my feelings.
Oh! You have feelings, huh?
Have you considered
putting them into your work?
Your cartoons are
monuments to joylessness,
nervously assembled
jokes based on nothing
from your life
or anyone's life!
You're furious at me
for being creative
because you want to
be able to create.
You have all this rage
and shame and loneliness,
which I don't
even know how to feel
much less understand,
and you decide
to put what on paper?
A duck. Jim the duck.
You think I'm crazy.
You think there's
something wrong with me.
Jim the duck?
Publishers are interested!
Oh! Yeah, well,
publishers are stupid.
Either that or you're
misinterpreting what was
probably a form letter.
You shut up.
Now you shut up.
You shut up.
Oh, are we yelling?
Are we yelling right now?
Self-centered...
Yelling! I'm yelling!
Yelling! I'm yelling,
I'm yelling, I'm yelling!
And you're not talented!
You made me miss my movie!
You made me Miss my movie.
In the words of your
hacky duck, "What the hell?"
Do you like music?
Everyone likes music.
What are you, a fish?
I have... Ooh, I tell you
what we could listen to.
Do you know
Rimples and Splikket?
They were the British
Laurel and Hardy.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE BANTER
ON TAPE)
Most of their stuff
is timeless, but you
do need to know
that the prime minister
went to Oxford,
not Cambridge,
as the sketch implies.
Are they speaking English?
Okay.
'80s German techno it is.
Do you have any friends?
I'm sorry?
I've been defining
myself with reactions
to and from other people
my whole life.
Now I feel worthless
just because I'm worthless
in relation to my friends,
which means
they're not my friends.
Who are your friends?
Well, there's
my neighbor, Pat.
I try to stay
on his good side.
I owe him money.
Uh, Jeff.
I'd call you a friend.
Well, in fact,
I'd call you a...
Oh, that's right.
You and Jeff have actually
known each other
longer than anybody,
huh?
I always forget that.
I guess 'cause
you guys don't really
act like friends.
Yeah, I guess not so much.
Where are we going?
Well, I think
you should go home
because you're having
an existential crisis,
and the best lesson
you could take away from it
is that you are someone,
even when you're by yourself.
I think you're right.
Thank you.
And please don't
take offense at this,
but thank you
for not hitting on me.
I was just vulnerable enough
to do something really stupid.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing.
It's nothing.
It's the...
The stupid steering
wheel is on the wrong
side of the car.
What are you doing here?
I want to show
you something.
What's this?
It's a script I wrote
about a cop on the edge.
Troy thought
it was hilarious.
I didn't have
the heart to tell him
it wasn't a comedy.
Why are you
giving this to me?
I know all the tricks
and tropes of filmmaking,
but what I'm missing
is what I think
the critics
call "substance,"
which is you
more than me.
You want
to be film partners?
"It's time for justice.
Police justice."
Wait, the character's name
is "Police Justice"?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I think
I may be able to help.
I'm sorry
for the stuff I said.
Me too.
Sit down.
You drink Scotch?
No.
You're gonna.
Hey, handsome.
This stool taken?
Struck out, huh?
If that makes
you feel better.
Or maybe I just
realized that I was
spending the whole night
getting to third base
with the wrong person.
You're a good friend,
and I don't say that
often enough.
That's really nice.
But you can't
have sex with me.
How about
we have these drinks
and then not have sex,
with anyone, together?
Sounds good.
Cheers.
So a 9-millimeter's actually
better than a 10-millimeter?
Millimeter don't make
no difference.
Bullets just kinda kill you.
"Bullets just
kinda kill you."
Are you quoting something?
Can I use that?
Yeah.
You left your handkerchief
at my place last night.
Ah!
We had a boys' night.
A bottle of booze,
an argument about sports cars.
And I cut my hand trying
to prove that I can whittle.
Me too.
Oh, hey.
How was your night?
Great.
I had a monumental evening
by myself.
Oh!
Oh, almost feel left out.
Well, we've had our
share of focus lately.
Mmm-hmm.
Speak for yourself.
Uh-oh.
I'm fine.
I just, um...
Do you guys
believe in ghosts?
And if you do,
do you believe
what those ghosts tell you
about other ghosts?
Chang, you cannot
be on the committee
if you're going
to be actively insane.
I'm not insane.
I swear. I just, um...
Had a weird experience
at the theater last night.
You were there?
Yeah, you were there?
What do you mean?
Of course I was.
Huh, I guess
we just didn't see you.
Well,
the ants were people.
The queen ant
was an oil company.
What if I don't exist?
Oh, I got this.
I had a very similar
night last night.
Go home,
light some candles,
and take a bath.
Okay, coolsies.
Hey!
I was thinking
off-campus lunch.
What's that Tex-Mex
place you mentioned?
Salsa Von Taco's?
Read my mind!
Oh.
Oh!
No, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Nah.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Oh.
No, wha... Let's...
No.
No, no, no.
Well, okay.
Ah.
You... You just...
Eh...
Ah. Oh, okay.
Ah.
I... I just don't like
being left behind!
My father got drunk in pubs
and left me in my room
with nothing!
So did mine!
Oh, why would he do that?
Why do they do that?
Why?
Why do they do that?
I won't go to
that Tex-Mex place.
Oh, that's all
I wanted you to say.
Hmm?
Did you
get any of that?