Okay, we'll get
an estimate
on adding grass
to the soccer field.
Good meeting.
Oh, Jeff,
what time's dinner?
Uh, dinner?
Jeff, you didn't
invite Shirley?
Well, it's Tuesday.
Shirley always goes
to Elijah's karate practice
on Tuesdays.
It's okay.
Part of making sacrifices
for my loved ones
is not expecting
my loved ones
to make sacrifices.
Aw.
I can do tomorrow.
I can't
I'm free on Fridays
and Mondays...
We're not moving it!
When Shirley
can have dinner,
we'll have another dinner,
because it's just dinner.
And there's no need
to manipulate each other.
You know
that's what you do.
You know
you're doing it now
with that face.
You don't like my face?
Aw!
Hello,
save Greendale committee.
This is David and Bixel.
They're app designers.
They'd like to beta test
their latest
social-networking app
on our campus,
which could be
good for us.
Look what Facebook
did for Harvard, right?
Hey, guys.
Bixel and I would
like to introduce you
to a little app called
meowmeowbeenz.
Ooh.
Meowmeowbeenz lets you say
how much you like,
who you like,
when you like,
all from a standard
non-boost mobile phone.
Let's see how it works.
Bixel, what did you
think of the way
the dean introduced us?
I thought he did great.
That's why I'm giving him
five meowmeowbeenz.
Aw.
Well, Bixel, I'm sorry,
but I thought his intro
was just okay.
That's why
I'm gonna give him
two out of
five meowmeowbeenz.
My meowmeowbeenz.
With meowmeowbeenz,
students can rate teachers.
Teachers can rate students.
Everyone and anyone
can rate each other.
Meowmeowbeenz.
You know...
I could...
I fought for this country,
and I know you don't get
to pick and choose
the parts you fight for,
but I know...
I should go
number two soon.
Tie me to dream
to run out of steam
it can be here
tied up, dead in a year
I should stay
Hurry up! I'm late
for human rights class.
I'm sorry.
Why is Star-Burns carrying
Garrett's books?
It's like toast bossing
crackers around.
I mean, I guess.
Garrett's got
three meowmeowbeenz.
Star- Burns is a two.
Are you telling me
people are actually
using this stupid app?
It's addictively effective.
No, it's effectively stupid.
There already was
a rating system
in place called
"cool people get more,"
and it was working fine.
Meowmeowbeenz takes
everything subjective
and unspoken
about human interaction
and reduces it
to explicit,
objective numbers.
I've never felt
more alive.
As long as you're happy,
I'm unsettled.
Hey, guys.
What happened to you?
I sat on a toilet so long,
my feet fell asleep,
then I noticed limping
was getting meowmeowbeenz,
so I just kind of
started committing.
Did you understand
a word he said?
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, here you go.
Here you go.
Nobody is gonna
down-vote a guy
on his birthday.
Wait. Are you using
meowmeowbeenz?
If you can't kill it,
join it.
When you get older,
you're gonna see
the warning signs.
Mark Zuckerberg
is Fidel Castro
in flip-flops.
Meowmeowbeenz is
gonna make East Berlin
look like Woodstock.
You take my word for that.
Do you own stock
in Trivial Pursuit's
baby boom edition?
Britta.
What...
Please tell me
you're not using this app.
Uh, I liked
the idea at first,
giving a voice
to the unheard,
but then Annie
just told me
that the rating system
is exponentially weighted.
As your ratings go up,
your ratings
of other people
become more important.
No.
It just means
the more others like you,
the more likeable
you can make others.
It makes sense to me.
You know who else
it made sense to?
Say "Hitler" one more time,
and I'm giving you a two.
Jeff, are you
not registered?
The longer you wait,
the harder it's gonna be
to get your number up.
Annie!
Listen to yourself.
You're learning
its language.
You're letting a video game
play you.
I got to set
these people straight.
Hey, hey, uh...
Students of Greendale!
We don't have to worship
a calculator!
There is no formula
for people!
Oh.
You're punishing me
for being alive!
That's the general idea,
baby.
You're gonna think
I'm joking,
but you were getting
through to me more
with mustard on your lip.
Oh, shut up.
He's not kidding, Britta.
I thought I was imagining it.
When you had mustard
on your lip,
I was more open
to your opinion.
Maybe it dilutes
or distracts from
your excessive intensity.
Maybe it dilutes
or distracts from
your stupid butt.
Hmm.
How you doing, Rog?
Hey, charlotte.
I see what you did there.
Vicki, I love this.
Shirley's a five.
How?
She's nice to people, Jeff.
You know Shirley.
Oh, Vicki, thank you.
Did you just give me
four meowmeowbeenz?
Um...
I love my four from Vicki.
No!
Stop it!
I didn't mean it.
Yeah.
I do know Shirley.
Oh!
We should be
having brownies.
I'm going
to help Shirley.
Not a bad idea
for you, Britta.
She could make you
a two again.
Screw your twos,
and screw meowmeowbeenz.
I know that's
your one talking.
What are you doing?
Registering
for meowmeowbeenz.
I'm gonna become a five
and expose this thing
for the sham it is.
Oh, now you're speaking
my language.
That's unintentional,
trust me.
Mmm.
Just make sure
you know the real reason
you're doing something,
or you'll fail
before you start.
That's actually
a good point.
It is? Why?
Oh, come on!
So I'm like,
"That's two cups,"
and she's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Two cups,
balls back, tops off."
All right, Trent, Mulch,
Dave, Herpie, Clutch,
Dirt mouth, Rope,
Tingles, Catwoman, Steve.
All right, keep it floppy.
Haul it, ball it,
never call it.
Girls are objects.
Yeah!
Two meowmeowbeenz.
Congratulations.
Abed was just explaining
that the fives
get to choose
what setting
the air conditioning is on.
Yep.
Is it me,
or are more people
wearing gray.
I feel like I'm
in a commercial,
and someone's about
to hand me a starburst.
Threes and twos
tend to wear
neutral colors.
Looking like
you want to move up
can get you moved down.
Abed, hey.
Hi. Come on.
Come here.
Those are other threes.
We talk about how we're glad
we're not twos.
Small talk, guys.
I make small talk now.
Hello, Jeffrey.
I see you decided
to join meowmeowbeenz.
Oh, it's a great tool
for living.
You look great.
You know what you're doing.
I'm watching you, okay?
Mmm, mmm.
Yeah, you'll be watching
my hinder, mama,
and choking on
its billowing plume
of highly rated dust.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fours and above only.
These are snacks
for the fives.
Yeah? You're a two.
Leonard, would you rather
a three serve the fives food?
No.
It is no secret
that the threes and twos
are growing suspicious
of the fours and fives.
All I know
is that it's my birthday.
What if we give
these people
something to
believe in again?
Koogler?
Hey. I know what you guys
think of me, okay?
"Hey, it's Koogler."
You know. "He's cool."
"He likes to get laid.
He's not that old."
But I'm a five
because I know
what the twos and
the threes need.
What do we all need?
Entertainment.
A talent show.
An event where threes
and twos can rise and fall.
It helps people
believe in the system.
Give my spot
to someone else.
I don't want to be a five.
I was happy as a three.
I'm miserable.
Oh, dear Abed.
So humble.
You people are monsters.
Well, if there's
nothing else, then...
Speak.
Headline items...
a few twos broke into
a supply closet
and stole a box
of peanut butter.
The futurization
of the campus decor
is almost complete.
And a few hours ago,
Jeff winger became a four.
That's nice.
You there, girl.
How many meowmeowbeenz?
Two!
Two? Are you lost, two?
Yes. Are you lost, two?
I'll escort her
to the common area.
You're a four?
I don't recognize you.
He's new beenz.
Bye-bye, new beenz.
Threes and twos must leave
building one after 7:00.
Building one after 7:00
is fours only.
What are you doing here?
How goes the revolution?
I can't break a four.
It's impossible
to get any higher
without half the fives
in your corner.
They got this thing
locked up.
Yeah, but they're nervous.
They're hosting
a talent show
to prove that anyone
can be a five.
If you enter it,
you'll be center stage
with all eyes on you,
and you can tell everyone
this isn't democracy.
This is tyranny.
I'm sorry.
Can you put some mustard...
I shouldn't have
to put mustard on my face
for this to make sense.
You know we have to take
this system down.
You know...
I once loved a two.
Matthew...
He was my everything.
But numbers change.
I'll keep your secret,
new beenz.
It says you're next.
Now, Jeffrey, I beg you
not to take this risk.
You know what they say.
Fives have lives,
fours have chores,
threes have fleas,
twos have blues,
and ones don't get a rhyme
because they're garbage.
Craig, I got this.
No!
No, please!
Not the outlands!
Please!
Boo on you!
The fives have spoken!
And you, uh...
Are not very good and...
What?
No! Please!
I'm just not very good
at public speaking and...
Last chance, Jeffrey.
Showtime.
My name is Jeff Winger.
I recently became a four.
Funny thing is,
when I was a two,
I didn't actually have
any less.
But I did have
a lot of crazy friends.
Hey, my name's
Tommy Talouca.
I'm from hallway c.
I'm a two!
I got to get
to the cafeteria
before they run out
of apples!
What is with twos
and apples?
You're given
three kinds of fruit.
Mix it up.
Then you become a four.
And you get that, uh...
That four walk.
You know what
I'm talking about?
It's like this.
It's like one of these.
And they got a little trail
of twos behind them,
and they're like
"Hey, is there
an apple up there?"
Oh,
Wow. What else
is going on?
He's killing it.
There came a time
when I has to
aks myself,
did I even
want to be a three?
Or did I just hate myself
for being a two?
I don't know.
All I know is...
I sure do love them apples!
Oh, The Koog approogs.
That's a five!
Yeah!
Meow meow
meow meow meow!
Review. Review.
Meow meow meow
meow meow!
Down here, guys.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I get a picture?
I want my future kids
to know this happened.
I admire
your optimism, Garrett.
What the hell?
I don't want to hear it.
I got this far
because I need
to take Shirley down.
What about
everyone else?
Look around you, Britta.
Everyone wanted this.
Fives only, ma'am.
Oh, great. Come on.
You... You think
this system's
gonna last forever?
I'm gonna free
people's minds.
I'm a psych major.
Words are my weapons.
I'm a security guard.
Weapons are my weapons.
Welcome, fives,
to the inaugural
fancy future dance.
I'm glad you don't think
making Jeff a five
was a mistake
like everybody else.
I believe in taking risks.
Yeah! Jeff's really cool.
Couldn't help but notice
that Shirley didn't clap
with the rest of you
after my performance.
Is she always so different?
If you talk to me,
I can't concentrate
on the dance moves.
You don't believe
the rumors,
do you, Koogler,
that Jeff manipulated
his way to the top?
Shirley, I can hear
what you're saying.
You're trying to manipulate
someone into thinking
I'm manipulative.
I'm sure I have no idea
what you're talking about.
No one ever knows
what you're talking about
because you never
say what you mean.
Do you want
to have this conversation,
or do you want to just keep
flexing your veiny arms
and throwing out apples?
Tranquility is advancement.
A happy three
is a future four.
Twos and threes,
you're accepting a life
you don't have to live!
Stand up for yourselves!
Really?
Ugh, fine.
Give me that.
Hey!
You're all alive!
You are all alive!
Look at the mustard
on my face,
but listen to my words.
You're one of the angriest,
most vindictive...
You're the angry one,
because the rules
got changed on you, Winger.
You can't just be cool
and be in charge now.
No, you have to gossip
and give out food
and make people feel guilty.
Okay, yeah. I bust my ass
making a world
full of selfish idiots
remember my name!
Fine. Call it hard work,
but don't tell me
the system measures
who's nice.
Actually, it kind of does.
Security, banish them
to the outlands
with the rest
of the ones!
Oh, no!
Ow!
Okay, okay, okay.
No! No!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your tray tables
in their party positions...
So sayeth captain Koogler.
Actually,
keep the tray tables
where they are, Koogler.
The rule of the fives
is over!
Long live the reviewlution!
No!
That comes down?
Okay, okay,
all right, all right,
All right, all right!
Whoa!
Happy?
Are you happy?
Look, I knew you couldn't
go to that stupid dinner.
That's why
I didn't invite you.
It's nice
to be invited anyway.
Sure, if you're
a control freak.
Oh, and you clearly
hate control.
No.
I love it.
I guess
it's easy to pretend
that you don't
when you got it.
You'd think
we'd be better friends
because we're both
such big fans
of the same thing.
You there! Ones!
You are permitted
back indoors
by decree of Britta,
the mother of ones.
And do I hear correctly
that as a five,
you felt you could park
in handicap spots?
Well, you see,
that's just part
of the Koogler style.
It's human crap style.
Rate him!
Okay, well, that's low.
All fives must be cleansed
of their five filth
and reduced to oneness.
Jeff. Hey, Shirley.
I'm not a five anymore.
I'm a one
like everyone else.
I'm like everyone else.
Who's next?
All right,
time to pull the plug.
Mmm.
Oh, great mother of ones,
Mustard-faced savior,
there is still a five
hiding among us
that has not been cleansed.
Nonsense.
All fives
were reduced to oneness
in the great purge
of about two minutes ago.
This five cheats.
It never registered,
yet was given a five
from outside the system.
Behold...
The meowmeowbeenz app.
Its beta test
ended days ago.
It's now available
in the app store...
99 cents.
Five stars.
This five lied to us,
used us, judged us,
yet exempts itself
from judgment.
And I'm pretty sure
it's selling our information
to spammers
because I am getting
a lot more email,
and trust me, my penis
needs no enlargement.
So how do you cleanse
a five that's unregistered?
Delete it.
By the way, guys,
it's a Saturday.
Um, you're all in school
for nothing.
Go home and get some sleep.
No!
No. Wait.
No, don't go!
Where are you going?
No.
Attention, Greendale.
I'd like to propose
we basically forget
everything that happened
over the last few days.
And I don't anticipate
a lot of pushback on that.
I think we're
all pretty embarrassed.
Hey, there.
Oh, hey.
So I was thinking
about checking out
this new restaurant tonight.
Oh, that's sweet,
but I can't tonight.
Not even takeout?
We could eat
in the study room.
Oh, I think
I have time for that.
Jeffrey.
What?
I'm not gonna take it off.
I still got two days left
on the rental.
Every once in a while,
a film comes along
that takes a serious look
at higher education.
This is not one of them.
Gentlemen...
Assume the party.
This summer...
Fun has a new name.
Koogler?
Koogler!
Koogler.
Koogler!
Koogler! Koogler!
Hope you don't mind
if I play through.
Hammer Road Pictures
invites you to meet the man...
The myth...
I'm photocopying
my rear end.
The Koogler.
Koogler.
I guess I have
what you might call
an aversion to education.
Do you even
have a career plan?
Yeah, uh,
does getting laid count?
No!
Mitchell d. Hurwitz
is Koogler...
Rated R.
Did you get any of that?