1 00:00:05,008 --> 00:00:07,776 Abed, what are you doing? 2 00:00:07,778 --> 00:00:09,911 Freelancing. 3 00:00:09,913 --> 00:00:11,947 You're not a spy for the city, are you? 4 00:00:11,949 --> 00:00:13,248 They've been sent footage of my classroom 5 00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:16,451 and pronounced me no worse than the teachers that work hard. 6 00:00:16,453 --> 00:00:19,321 Can't tell you who I'm working for, it's a surprise. 7 00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:21,289 Well, don't get in the way. 8 00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:23,425 You know the rules, Jeff. The sooner you ignore me, 9 00:00:23,427 --> 00:00:25,527 the sooner I stop being a factor. 10 00:00:25,529 --> 00:00:28,530 All right, people! Yesterday 11 00:00:28,532 --> 00:00:31,433 I wrote the word "law" 12 00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:33,001 on the board. 13 00:00:33,403 --> 00:00:34,336 This time, don't erase it, 14 00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:36,738 and maybe tomorrow we'll get even further. 15 00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:39,341 Now, I'm told Garrett has prepared a presentation 16 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:41,042 for extra credit. 17 00:00:41,044 --> 00:00:42,143 By the way, everyone in class gets the credit, 18 00:00:42,145 --> 00:00:44,746 because I'm not sure how much I should encourage this. 19 00:00:44,748 --> 00:00:47,282 Go ahead, Garrett. Thank you. 20 00:00:50,087 --> 00:00:53,755 My presentation is about marriage law. 21 00:00:54,558 --> 00:00:56,925 This is me, Garrett. 22 00:00:56,927 --> 00:00:59,160 I'm in your class. 23 00:00:59,663 --> 00:01:01,229 This is Stacy. 24 00:01:01,231 --> 00:01:03,798 She is in our class as well. 25 00:01:05,168 --> 00:01:07,669 This is what I want. 26 00:01:08,472 --> 00:01:10,138 Oh, Garrett. 27 00:01:10,574 --> 00:01:12,073 Stacy, 28 00:01:12,175 --> 00:01:13,875 will you marry me? 29 00:01:19,082 --> 00:01:22,117 Yes! Yes, Garrett. Yes, I will. 30 00:01:22,119 --> 00:01:23,785 Oh, Garrett! 31 00:01:26,423 --> 00:01:28,356 Garrett and I have been seeing each other 32 00:01:28,358 --> 00:01:30,692 for 16 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. 33 00:01:30,694 --> 00:01:33,628 We met at the school store, Pencils and Such. 34 00:01:33,630 --> 00:01:35,397 He said he was there for the such. 35 00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:36,765 I remember I was sweating a lot and breathing heavy, 36 00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:39,067 and my heart felt like it was going to burst in my chest, 37 00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:43,271 but the day I met Stacy most of those symptoms actually declined. 38 00:01:45,275 --> 00:01:47,008 Are you quite done? Yeah. 39 00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:48,543 Garrett wanted the proposal recorded. 40 00:01:48,545 --> 00:01:49,844 He thought his family might want to see proof. 41 00:01:49,846 --> 00:01:51,413 So now what are you shooting? 42 00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,515 You had a strange look on your face. 43 00:01:53,517 --> 00:01:54,816 Oh, you're noticing faces now? Mmm-hmm. 44 00:01:54,818 --> 00:01:58,386 Aren't you still smelling hair to tell Frankie from Annie? 45 00:01:58,388 --> 00:01:58,887 Yeah. 46 00:01:58,889 --> 00:02:01,823 Well, it's official! I'm getting laid! 47 00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:35,490 What are you doing? 48 00:02:37,694 --> 00:02:38,893 Stop. 49 00:02:38,895 --> 00:02:40,361 Hey, stop! 50 00:02:40,363 --> 00:02:43,298 If you don't put that silly thing away, I swear, 51 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,034 I'm gonna stop loving you. 52 00:02:46,036 --> 00:02:47,602 Oh, that's it. 53 00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:53,942 Happy birthday. 54 00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:55,310 What are you two doing? 55 00:02:55,312 --> 00:02:57,245 We're doing Annie's "missing lover" footage. 56 00:02:57,247 --> 00:02:59,247 You know in movies where the hero's 57 00:02:59,249 --> 00:03:00,882 wife or girlfriend is dead or missing, 58 00:03:00,884 --> 00:03:01,883 and so he sits in the dark, 59 00:03:01,885 --> 00:03:04,319 and he watches her in a home movie or... 60 00:03:04,321 --> 00:03:05,687 Or hologram. Or hologram. 61 00:03:05,689 --> 00:03:08,823 Over and over, and she's always beautiful and full of love 62 00:03:08,825 --> 00:03:10,058 almost to the point of being stupid. 63 00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:11,693 We're making footage like that for me, 64 00:03:11,695 --> 00:03:13,128 in case I get kidnapped or murdered. 65 00:03:13,130 --> 00:03:13,862 Oh, super healthy, guys. 66 00:03:13,864 --> 00:03:17,532 The Health Department called, they don't want anything back. 67 00:03:18,668 --> 00:03:19,968 Britta, don't look at the camera. 68 00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:22,270 Okay, look at the camera. 69 00:03:22,272 --> 00:03:23,371 Today's Garrett's wedding. 70 00:03:23,373 --> 00:03:24,773 For those who don't know Garrett, 71 00:03:24,775 --> 00:03:26,141 he is a guy we don't really know 72 00:03:26,143 --> 00:03:29,077 that we've known for, like, six years at school. 73 00:03:29,079 --> 00:03:30,245 The funny looking guy. 74 00:03:30,247 --> 00:03:32,113 Britta, mean. 75 00:03:32,115 --> 00:03:33,281 Sorry. 76 00:03:33,283 --> 00:03:35,150 The eccentric looking guy? 77 00:03:35,152 --> 00:03:38,353 What's happening? Everything's going wrong." 78 00:03:38,355 --> 00:03:40,555 That guy. Uh, remember when we said 79 00:03:40,557 --> 00:03:41,189 we were cleaning? 80 00:03:41,191 --> 00:03:44,092 Yeah, but remember about Abed's documentary? 81 00:03:44,094 --> 00:03:46,461 His documentary is about what we're doing, 82 00:03:46,463 --> 00:03:47,462 and we're cleaning. 83 00:03:47,464 --> 00:03:49,464 Yeah, but if we're both cleaning, 84 00:03:49,466 --> 00:03:52,167 then there's nobody to explain why. 85 00:03:52,169 --> 00:03:53,201 She doesn't understand filmmaking. 86 00:03:53,203 --> 00:03:58,239 I lived in New York. What else should we talk about? 87 00:03:59,876 --> 00:04:03,411 We've volunteered our apartment as a staging area 88 00:04:03,413 --> 00:04:04,679 where our friends can get ready 89 00:04:04,681 --> 00:04:07,315 and keep each other on time. Ugh! 90 00:04:07,317 --> 00:04:09,617 The thing to understand about our friends 91 00:04:09,619 --> 00:04:14,322 is that, "Friends," isn't an adequate label. 92 00:04:14,324 --> 00:04:19,227 We're an intensely, intimately bonded crew. 93 00:04:19,229 --> 00:04:21,262 God, I can't. No, no! 94 00:04:21,264 --> 00:04:26,901 Do you want flashy and forward or cherry and classic? 95 00:04:26,903 --> 00:04:28,002 Do you have black? 96 00:04:28,004 --> 00:04:30,638 That's a "no." That beleaguered sigh means, 97 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,806 "No, I can't have black nails." 98 00:04:31,808 --> 00:04:34,442 Don't look at the camera. You absolutely can, 99 00:04:34,444 --> 00:04:37,278 and we all will when our bodies decompose. 100 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,980 Please, don't Jim the camera like that. 101 00:04:38,982 --> 00:04:40,381 Jim the camera? The color black 102 00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:41,950 hasn't had anything to do... It's not a color. 103 00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:44,886 with death or edginess since '89. It's the absence of color. 104 00:04:44,888 --> 00:04:46,721 My accountant has black nails. 105 00:04:46,723 --> 00:04:48,489 Your what? Don't jump on that. 106 00:04:48,491 --> 00:04:50,158 "My accountant," it's a figure of speech. 107 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,895 It's a form of speech called, "Making things up." 108 00:04:53,897 --> 00:04:55,597 Abed, can you get that? 109 00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,765 I can film you getting it. 110 00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,300 It's open! Is it? 111 00:04:59,302 --> 00:05:01,836 I don't know, let's see. 112 00:05:03,506 --> 00:05:04,072 Frankie! 113 00:05:04,074 --> 00:05:07,141 So I didn't put on my wedding clothes, like you said, 114 00:05:07,143 --> 00:05:11,045 so we can get dressed together and be girls together. 115 00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:12,981 This is gonna be fun. 116 00:05:13,884 --> 00:05:15,250 Annie and Britta told me to come over 117 00:05:15,252 --> 00:05:18,253 and get ready with them for Garrett's wedding. 118 00:05:18,255 --> 00:05:19,587 I didn't say, "No." 119 00:05:19,589 --> 00:05:21,789 Who says, "No," to something like that? 120 00:05:21,791 --> 00:05:25,693 A cold, off-putting, incompatible person. 121 00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:30,965 The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a... Stoning. 122 00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:34,102 I had, um, rocks thrown at me. 123 00:05:34,104 --> 00:05:36,638 Biblical, igneous, jagged, 124 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,973 hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, 125 00:05:38,975 --> 00:05:41,276 and that's not gonna happen again. 126 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,514 What have you been up to? 127 00:05:46,516 --> 00:05:48,483 I think you already asked that. 128 00:05:48,485 --> 00:05:50,351 Did you answer? Didn't I? 129 00:05:50,353 --> 00:05:53,922 I think I did. I don't think you did. 130 00:05:53,924 --> 00:05:56,391 Oh, that's not like me. 131 00:05:56,393 --> 00:05:58,626 Well, maybe you're nervous. 132 00:05:58,628 --> 00:06:00,161 No. No. 133 00:06:00,163 --> 00:06:02,463 Well, why don't we just say that if you did answer, 134 00:06:02,465 --> 00:06:05,667 we forgot, so we're asking again. 135 00:06:05,869 --> 00:06:09,137 Oh. I have been working, um... 136 00:06:09,139 --> 00:06:13,007 And I've been tending to my personal affairs. 137 00:06:13,009 --> 00:06:14,575 Hmm. 138 00:06:17,948 --> 00:06:20,581 My... I don't know if I've mentioned... 139 00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:22,383 Um, one of my sisters is, well... 140 00:06:22,385 --> 00:06:24,919 You know, one of them is deceased, 141 00:06:24,921 --> 00:06:28,089 and the other is... 142 00:06:28,091 --> 00:06:30,558 Um... 143 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,227 Mentally retarded... 144 00:06:33,229 --> 00:06:35,830 Panty raid! 145 00:06:36,266 --> 00:06:38,166 When I say, "Drink," you say, "Now." 146 00:06:38,168 --> 00:06:40,001 Drink! Drink! Now! Now! 147 00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:42,704 When I say, "Drink," you say, "Now." Drink! 148 00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:43,504 Now! Drink! 149 00:06:43,506 --> 00:06:45,940 Now! 150 00:06:46,076 --> 00:06:47,175 Hey, what are you guys doing? 151 00:06:47,177 --> 00:06:49,677 We got to go, the wedding starts in, like, 40 minutes. 152 00:06:49,679 --> 00:06:50,812 Ohh! 153 00:06:50,814 --> 00:06:52,814 We padded the time! 154 00:06:52,816 --> 00:06:54,449 We lied to you because we knew you'd be late. 155 00:06:54,451 --> 00:06:56,484 So we lied to you about the time. 156 00:06:56,486 --> 00:06:57,652 Yeah. 157 00:06:57,654 --> 00:07:00,054 You don't need perfect people to make a perfect team. 158 00:07:00,056 --> 00:07:03,324 You need people whose flaws feed into each other. 159 00:07:03,326 --> 00:07:06,327 It's, uh, what do you call it? Um... 160 00:07:06,329 --> 00:07:07,528 Codependent. Synergy. 161 00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:09,263 For instance, there might be something Britta 162 00:07:09,265 --> 00:07:10,631 hates doing but Annie loves doing, 163 00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:12,467 or there might be something that Annie hates doing, 164 00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:16,004 but she does it anyways because what she really loves 165 00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:17,238 is to feel useful. 166 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,408 You literally just defined codependency. 167 00:07:20,410 --> 00:07:21,943 Here's to synergy. 168 00:07:25,715 --> 00:07:26,147 Okay. 169 00:07:26,149 --> 00:07:28,282 Do you, Garrett, take Jack Nicholson 170 00:07:28,284 --> 00:07:31,152 to be your lawfully wedded wife? Oh! 171 00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,655 I do! 172 00:07:34,657 --> 00:07:37,592 I do, Johnny! 173 00:07:38,795 --> 00:07:40,862 We invented a new game. 174 00:07:40,864 --> 00:07:42,296 Celebrity Garrett Marriage. 175 00:07:42,298 --> 00:07:46,300 Christian Slater, to be your lawfully wedded wife? 176 00:07:46,302 --> 00:07:48,803 I do. 177 00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:50,905 I do. 178 00:07:50,907 --> 00:07:52,140 Boo! 179 00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:54,042 Yeah, well listen to him. 180 00:07:54,044 --> 00:07:55,410 We were genius to pad the time margin 181 00:07:55,412 --> 00:07:58,813 because now we have, like, three more hours to play the game. 182 00:07:58,815 --> 00:08:01,315 Okay, do you, Garrett... Mmm-hmm. 183 00:08:01,317 --> 00:08:05,520 Take Aubrey Plaza to be your wife? 184 00:08:05,522 --> 00:08:07,355 I do. 185 00:08:07,357 --> 00:08:09,791 I do. 186 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,893 Wait, what do you mean three more hours? 187 00:08:11,895 --> 00:08:14,295 How is that even possible? 188 00:08:16,366 --> 00:08:18,666 What time is the wedding? 189 00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:20,201 Wait, what time is it now? 190 00:08:20,203 --> 00:08:22,236 We're late! We're late! 191 00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:28,609 Jeff, you and I can drive together, meet you at the car! 192 00:08:28,611 --> 00:08:29,911 What? Yeah, we'll drive together. 193 00:08:29,913 --> 00:08:32,246 We are not driving together. It's all been settled. 194 00:08:32,248 --> 00:08:34,148 Nothing was settled. 195 00:08:37,487 --> 00:08:39,454 They left me home alone! 196 00:08:39,456 --> 00:08:41,956 I'm home alone! 197 00:08:41,958 --> 00:08:44,592 Well, not really. What? 198 00:08:46,162 --> 00:08:47,395 What the hell are you doing? Come on, let's go. 199 00:08:47,397 --> 00:08:50,398 Go, go, go, go, go, go! Okay. 200 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,933 Jeez. 201 00:08:52,902 --> 00:08:56,104 Abed, you too, come on. Oh, yeah. 202 00:08:58,808 --> 00:09:03,177 We are here to witness the union of Garrett and Stacy 203 00:09:03,179 --> 00:09:03,945 in the eyes of, 204 00:09:03,947 --> 00:09:07,882 well, in the eyes of whatever power you choose. 205 00:09:07,884 --> 00:09:08,983 Personally, I find the notion 206 00:09:08,985 --> 00:09:11,586 of choosing to be needlessly limited. 207 00:09:11,588 --> 00:09:14,422 What if I'm capable of total contradiction? 208 00:09:14,424 --> 00:09:17,125 What if science and religion 209 00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:21,329 were mine to wield as I choose? 210 00:09:21,331 --> 00:09:23,397 What if I'm God? 211 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:27,401 What if I'm God? 212 00:09:29,472 --> 00:09:31,172 It is likely that I am not, 213 00:09:31,174 --> 00:09:34,742 but I think it's totally out of line 214 00:09:34,744 --> 00:09:37,178 to take that possibility off of the table. 215 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:40,314 Now, I understand that vows have been written? 216 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:41,249 Stacy, 217 00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:45,386 when I first saw you, looking at you made me feel good. 218 00:09:45,388 --> 00:09:48,055 Touching you felt better, and knowing you 219 00:09:48,057 --> 00:09:50,992 made me realize that without you 220 00:09:50,994 --> 00:09:52,960 I am incomplete. 221 00:09:52,962 --> 00:09:55,062 I know I look pretty complete. 222 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:59,300 Somebody over there laughed at that the wrong way. 223 00:09:59,302 --> 00:10:02,036 You are my body and my soul. 224 00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:03,604 You are my favorite video game. 225 00:10:03,606 --> 00:10:06,140 Yes! Come on. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 226 00:10:07,610 --> 00:10:09,944 Everybody's looking at us. 227 00:10:10,013 --> 00:10:10,344 Shh. 228 00:10:10,346 --> 00:10:12,480 Your "Shh" was louder than what I said. 229 00:10:12,482 --> 00:10:13,681 Shh. 230 00:10:15,285 --> 00:10:17,485 Shh. 231 00:10:18,855 --> 00:10:19,987 Welcome. 232 00:10:19,989 --> 00:10:22,023 Everyone back there, you're welcome. 233 00:10:22,025 --> 00:10:23,658 Please, join us. 234 00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:26,227 Any of those people could be God. 235 00:10:26,229 --> 00:10:28,629 Over there? Yeah. 236 00:10:35,071 --> 00:10:36,904 Garrett, since we met 237 00:10:36,906 --> 00:10:38,573 you have felt so familiar. 238 00:10:38,575 --> 00:10:41,175 I love making sandwiches with you. 239 00:10:41,177 --> 00:10:42,476 I love folding towels with you. 240 00:10:42,478 --> 00:10:47,348 I love giving you your pain killers at the end of the day. 241 00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:48,716 Aw! 242 00:10:49,118 --> 00:10:50,117 Well, that... 243 00:10:50,119 --> 00:10:50,851 Those aren't really vows. 244 00:10:50,853 --> 00:10:53,621 That's a list of things you love about me. 245 00:10:53,623 --> 00:10:56,123 I am so sorry. It's okay. 246 00:10:56,459 --> 00:11:00,194 Garrett, do you take Stacy to be your lawfully wedded wife? 247 00:11:00,196 --> 00:11:01,696 I do. 248 00:11:01,698 --> 00:11:03,364 Stacy, do you take Garrett 249 00:11:03,366 --> 00:11:05,199 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 250 00:11:05,201 --> 00:11:09,003 To have and to hold and to honor? 251 00:11:09,005 --> 00:11:11,439 Yes. Yes, I do. 252 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:20,881 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. And Mrs. Garrett Lambert. 253 00:11:20,883 --> 00:11:23,084 Garrett, you may kiss Mrs. Garrett. 254 00:11:35,231 --> 00:11:37,131 Where the party at? 255 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:38,566 Ooh. 256 00:11:40,803 --> 00:11:42,336 Okay, let's endure this. 257 00:11:42,338 --> 00:11:43,437 Are we nailing today, or what? 258 00:11:43,439 --> 00:11:45,373 Who would have thought that Barrett's wedding would be 259 00:11:45,375 --> 00:11:46,607 the best day of our lives? 260 00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:48,709 Definitely not Garrett since his name's not Barrett. 261 00:11:48,711 --> 00:11:51,178 Whoopsie. Me say a wrong a name. 262 00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:51,812 Oh, racist. 263 00:11:51,814 --> 00:11:54,215 Oh, no, you a racist. You guys are racist. 264 00:11:54,217 --> 00:11:57,184 Everyone from here to there is racist. 265 00:11:59,389 --> 00:12:01,856 Oh. 266 00:12:01,858 --> 00:12:04,191 Having a good time? Oh, yes. 267 00:12:04,193 --> 00:12:05,893 Are you Garrett's mom? 268 00:12:05,895 --> 00:12:07,261 I sure am. 269 00:12:07,263 --> 00:12:07,662 Oh! 270 00:12:07,664 --> 00:12:11,499 I think you guys could maybe take a step back, 271 00:12:11,501 --> 00:12:13,534 gain a little perspective, 272 00:12:13,536 --> 00:12:15,903 so you don't wreck the whole night 273 00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:18,472 for some really wonderful people. 274 00:12:18,474 --> 00:12:21,642 You came to a wedding in the middle of the vows 275 00:12:21,644 --> 00:12:23,844 through a bush. 276 00:12:24,213 --> 00:12:26,213 I'm not Dr. Phil, but 277 00:12:26,215 --> 00:12:28,282 I don't want my son to kill himself, 278 00:12:28,284 --> 00:12:30,484 so do what you got to do. 279 00:12:37,827 --> 00:12:38,259 Holy crap. 280 00:12:38,261 --> 00:12:39,493 What have we done? Okay. 281 00:12:39,495 --> 00:12:42,863 We just got checked, and it was pretty deserved, 282 00:12:42,865 --> 00:12:44,765 but we're not just gonna stand here 283 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:46,300 and lick our wounds either. 284 00:12:46,302 --> 00:12:47,368 Jeff is right, 285 00:12:47,370 --> 00:12:49,136 and that chipper passive aggressive lady, 286 00:12:49,138 --> 00:12:52,473 she's right too, so let's spread out and... 287 00:12:52,475 --> 00:12:57,178 Be the best wedding guests anyone has ever seen. 288 00:12:57,180 --> 00:12:58,479 Yes. I'm not gonna over think it, 289 00:12:58,481 --> 00:13:00,014 I'm just gonna try it. 290 00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:01,682 Okay, okay. Yes, yes, yes. 291 00:13:01,684 --> 00:13:03,217 Yay. Mazel tov. 292 00:13:03,219 --> 00:13:05,319 So, a stranger walked over 293 00:13:05,321 --> 00:13:06,187 to our very proud group 294 00:13:06,189 --> 00:13:09,156 and smashed our pride into pieces with a hammer, 295 00:13:09,158 --> 00:13:11,158 which definitely felt like a disaster. 296 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:15,629 Then I started to pick up the pieces of our pride 297 00:13:15,631 --> 00:13:17,031 and, weirdly enough, 298 00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:21,001 the first piece I picked up was my own pride. 299 00:13:21,003 --> 00:13:22,503 All of it. It's almost like groups, 300 00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:27,875 and people in groups, can never be complete at the same time. 301 00:13:27,877 --> 00:13:30,778 Does that make any sense? 302 00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:32,313 No? 303 00:13:32,548 --> 00:13:35,416 Well, that's your problem. 304 00:13:35,518 --> 00:13:36,550 I love you, Abed. 305 00:13:36,552 --> 00:13:38,386 Do I know how to be a good wedding guest? 306 00:13:38,388 --> 00:13:41,522 Yes, I do. A little too well, that's the problem. 307 00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:46,527 My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, 308 00:13:46,529 --> 00:13:48,662 I was addicted to encouraging white people. 309 00:13:48,664 --> 00:13:52,867 All right, now there's a man who knows his meatballs. 310 00:13:52,869 --> 00:13:55,302 It started as simple survival. 311 00:13:55,304 --> 00:13:56,904 The tech industry in the 90s? 312 00:13:56,906 --> 00:13:57,638 This face, this voice, 313 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,073 they're either going to help you or hold you back. 314 00:13:59,075 --> 00:14:03,677 So you tap the gas because, well, why tap the brake? 315 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,481 Oh, you know, you know what you're doing. 316 00:14:07,483 --> 00:14:11,719 This man knows exactly what he's doing. 317 00:14:11,721 --> 00:14:13,621 I learned the cheat code. 318 00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:15,189 White people like encouragement. 319 00:14:15,191 --> 00:14:17,224 It really doesn't matter what for. 320 00:14:17,226 --> 00:14:18,592 Now that's a container for liquid. 321 00:14:18,594 --> 00:14:20,261 I never felt like a sellout. 322 00:14:20,263 --> 00:14:21,429 I never laughed at anything unfunny, 323 00:14:21,431 --> 00:14:23,898 never said anything untrue. 324 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:24,698 The thing is, 325 00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:28,102 and this will sound racist, 326 00:14:28,104 --> 00:14:29,970 white people are very discouraged, 327 00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:31,705 and very discouraging to each other. 328 00:14:31,707 --> 00:14:33,574 Sweetie, you're getting meatball juice 329 00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:34,742 everywhere but your plate. 330 00:14:34,744 --> 00:14:37,244 I think I'm doing better than you are with your asparagus. 331 00:14:37,246 --> 00:14:40,080 Oh, now that's the way to handle a meatball, 332 00:14:40,082 --> 00:14:44,418 and look at you, working that asparagus. 333 00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,053 So, the day you start telling them, 334 00:14:46,055 --> 00:14:49,623 "Hey, just do what you're doing..." 335 00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,158 I love you. I love you. 336 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,594 You feel like a superhero. 337 00:14:53,596 --> 00:14:56,464 What's the danger? Why'd I stop? 338 00:14:56,466 --> 00:15:01,101 Well, same as anything else that makes you feel good. 339 00:15:01,103 --> 00:15:02,736 If you don't put a lid on it... 340 00:15:17,119 --> 00:15:18,486 There's no lid. 341 00:15:18,488 --> 00:15:20,754 Stacy has a 90-year-old memaw here. 342 00:15:20,756 --> 00:15:24,758 I pushed her around the dance floor. I think she liked it. 343 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:25,926 Now, that's Polly. 344 00:15:25,928 --> 00:15:29,697 No, Great Aunt Polly is Garrett's side. 345 00:15:29,699 --> 00:15:31,098 I haven't met her. 346 00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,167 Oh, my God, do you think she saw me pushing Memaw, 347 00:15:33,169 --> 00:15:35,936 and now she's wondering what's wrong with her? 348 00:15:35,938 --> 00:15:36,770 I'll be right back. Annie, 349 00:15:36,772 --> 00:15:40,174 the world will still need you after you finish your cake. 350 00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:41,942 Am I that bad? 351 00:15:41,944 --> 00:15:44,044 We have the same dragon. 352 00:15:44,046 --> 00:15:45,246 Eventually, you will slay it, 353 00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:48,549 or train it, or dissolve in its stomach. 354 00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:50,918 Its name is "Helping Others." 355 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,486 If I train it, can I give it a cooler name? 356 00:15:52,488 --> 00:15:55,389 If you train it, you can do anything you want. 357 00:15:55,391 --> 00:15:56,357 If you slay it, I don't know. 358 00:15:56,359 --> 00:15:59,460 I guess you get a new dragon named "Yourself," 359 00:15:59,462 --> 00:16:00,694 and then you'd be Jeff Winger. 360 00:16:00,696 --> 00:16:04,298 Yeah, that guy needs help. 361 00:16:09,505 --> 00:16:11,171 What would you name your dragon? 362 00:16:11,173 --> 00:16:14,241 I think we need a list of dragon names. 363 00:16:14,243 --> 00:16:14,608 Yeah. 364 00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:17,578 "And then we need to get you away from Jeff." 365 00:16:17,580 --> 00:16:18,746 Is what I wanted to say, 366 00:16:18,748 --> 00:16:21,749 but how is that my business? 367 00:16:22,652 --> 00:16:26,654 You don't show these to people when you finish them? 368 00:16:26,656 --> 00:16:29,890 No. Okay. Good. 369 00:16:32,228 --> 00:16:34,194 So, then why do you make them, again? 370 00:16:34,196 --> 00:16:37,264 It relaxes me. It's like knitting with less discipline. 371 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:42,670 Princess Fire Breath, Sir Pent, Dr. Rachel Spinetail, 372 00:16:42,672 --> 00:16:44,638 Holly Hotbreath... Ugh... 373 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,540 Jimmy Talon, Christian Scale. 374 00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:48,542 I got into a bit of a celebrity pun barrel here. 375 00:16:48,544 --> 00:16:53,213 Carson Scaly, Jude Claw, Arianna Puffington. 376 00:16:53,282 --> 00:16:55,983 Hi, are these your biggest ice cubes? 377 00:16:55,985 --> 00:16:57,585 No, you're boisterous. 378 00:16:57,587 --> 00:16:58,385 Where's my brother? 379 00:16:58,387 --> 00:17:00,254 I got a thing to say about my... Where's Garrett? 380 00:17:00,256 --> 00:17:02,356 There has been a plot twist 381 00:17:02,358 --> 00:17:05,459 in the story of our comeback as wedding guests. 382 00:17:05,461 --> 00:17:06,860 Garrett's older brother, Bones, 383 00:17:06,862 --> 00:17:09,430 has relapsed during his weekend pass 384 00:17:09,432 --> 00:17:12,566 and will be unable to do the Best Man Toast. 385 00:17:12,568 --> 00:17:13,867 You got him? Hold onto him. 386 00:17:13,869 --> 00:17:16,403 So I took Garrett's mom aside 387 00:17:16,405 --> 00:17:18,606 and told her after our behavior today 388 00:17:18,608 --> 00:17:21,208 it was the least I could do for them. 389 00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:23,043 And I'm not gonna Winger-speech it. 390 00:17:23,045 --> 00:17:24,311 This is a thing of substance. 391 00:17:24,313 --> 00:17:27,915 We pulled all the inside info based on all the mingling, 392 00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:31,018 and this toast is rocket-fueled selflessness. 393 00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:33,687 And this wedding's gonna regret the day it thought 394 00:17:33,689 --> 00:17:34,688 we'd make it about us. 395 00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:37,091 Because we are about to be the first guests in history 396 00:17:37,093 --> 00:17:41,462 to out toast the entire wedding party. 397 00:17:41,464 --> 00:17:43,230 God, I love my job. 398 00:17:43,232 --> 00:17:46,400 Wait, this isn't my job. God, I love myself. 399 00:17:46,402 --> 00:17:48,936 That was Stacy's 400 00:17:48,938 --> 00:17:51,672 first time! 401 00:17:53,275 --> 00:17:55,275 But it's not gonna be her last time, 402 00:17:55,277 --> 00:17:57,177 right, Garrett? 403 00:17:57,179 --> 00:17:59,680 Oh, my God... So many classic toast errors. 404 00:17:59,682 --> 00:18:01,715 A fire hydrant could follow this. 405 00:18:01,717 --> 00:18:03,484 I love you so much. 406 00:18:03,486 --> 00:18:05,753 And please keep painting. 407 00:18:05,755 --> 00:18:07,621 Don't let Garrett... Don't... Hey. 408 00:18:07,623 --> 00:18:10,991 Don't let Garrett keep you from painting. 409 00:18:10,993 --> 00:18:11,825 Okay, I'm done. 410 00:18:11,827 --> 00:18:14,361 DJ: Okay, Stacy's friend, Andi, everybody. 411 00:18:14,363 --> 00:18:16,363 Next up, we have a replacement best man, 412 00:18:16,365 --> 00:18:18,666 Garrett's friend from Greendale College, 413 00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:19,933 Jeffrey Winger. 414 00:18:19,935 --> 00:18:23,370 There's a lot of things I can say about this couple. 415 00:18:23,372 --> 00:18:25,439 They're both in my class at Greendale, 416 00:18:25,441 --> 00:18:29,543 and like all my students, I give them until about June. 417 00:18:31,180 --> 00:18:33,180 No, you guys will be fine forever, 418 00:18:33,182 --> 00:18:36,517 as long as Stacy never lets Andi babysit. 419 00:18:37,753 --> 00:18:39,286 Or go near a child, 420 00:18:39,288 --> 00:18:43,424 or be in the same town as a pair of scissors. 421 00:18:43,926 --> 00:18:45,626 This girl's a wreck. 422 00:18:47,263 --> 00:18:48,495 He's being too mean. 423 00:18:48,497 --> 00:18:49,430 Oh, he's reading the room. 424 00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:51,065 Andi was a bummer, they needed this. 425 00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,467 Two people, merging their lives. 426 00:18:53,469 --> 00:18:55,502 But that means two families 427 00:18:55,504 --> 00:18:59,139 are leaving here tonight as one, 428 00:18:59,141 --> 00:18:59,740 that's a big deal. 429 00:18:59,742 --> 00:19:03,010 Now, my friends and I came here tonight 430 00:19:03,012 --> 00:19:03,677 as outsiders, 431 00:19:03,679 --> 00:19:05,813 but thanks to some good advice 432 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:06,547 we spent the night 433 00:19:06,549 --> 00:19:09,550 learning about these two clans 434 00:19:09,552 --> 00:19:11,051 of outsiders. 435 00:19:11,053 --> 00:19:14,922 We learned that Garrett's Uncle Tony is a photographer. 436 00:19:14,924 --> 00:19:16,523 But, Uncle Tony, did you know that 437 00:19:16,525 --> 00:19:17,925 Stacy's friend Laurence 438 00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:19,760 makes and sells frames? 439 00:19:19,762 --> 00:19:22,062 Look each other up, get some business going. 440 00:19:22,064 --> 00:19:24,531 Oh, and Garrett's neighbor Dawn 441 00:19:24,533 --> 00:19:25,532 loves vintage cars. 442 00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:29,503 Stacy's chiropractor, Susan, brought her dad. 443 00:19:29,505 --> 00:19:30,137 And guess what? 444 00:19:30,139 --> 00:19:34,007 Her dad worked in an automobile factory in the 60s. 445 00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:34,608 Yeah, I know. 446 00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:37,945 These are the kind of things you learn being the biggest jerks 447 00:19:37,947 --> 00:19:38,812 at a wedding. 448 00:19:38,814 --> 00:19:40,981 Here's another golden nugget in the gravel. 449 00:19:40,983 --> 00:19:43,484 Some of you have worked the dance floor 450 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:46,453 with Garrett's divine Great Aunt Polly, 451 00:19:46,455 --> 00:19:48,722 90 years young. 452 00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:51,091 And some of you chatted 453 00:19:51,093 --> 00:19:52,726 with Stacy's memaw, 454 00:19:52,728 --> 00:19:55,529 also 90 years young. 455 00:19:56,031 --> 00:20:00,834 Now, I don't know if they've even met before tonight, 456 00:20:00,836 --> 00:20:04,071 but we did learn that both of them 457 00:20:04,073 --> 00:20:07,708 were born in the same town, 458 00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:09,343 Sheridan, Wyoming. 459 00:20:09,345 --> 00:20:11,745 Now, Garrett and Stacy, would you mind 460 00:20:11,747 --> 00:20:13,881 getting them both out here? 461 00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:15,616 All right. Yeah. 462 00:20:15,618 --> 00:20:17,951 I know Aunt Polly's here, 463 00:20:17,953 --> 00:20:20,420 isn't she beautiful? 464 00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:25,692 Okay, who has got eyes on Memaw? 465 00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:31,765 Oh, this is Memaw. 466 00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:34,034 Okay, I feel like an idiot. 467 00:20:34,036 --> 00:20:35,135 I'm so, so sorry. 468 00:20:35,137 --> 00:20:37,871 Uh, Garrett, where's Aunt Polly? 469 00:20:41,043 --> 00:20:42,843 Okay. Uh... 470 00:20:42,845 --> 00:20:45,646 Now I don't feel as stupid, 471 00:20:45,648 --> 00:20:48,215 uh, because either someone here is lying, 472 00:20:48,217 --> 00:20:52,152 or this family is a lot closer than we thought. 473 00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:02,196 And now, 474 00:21:02,198 --> 00:21:04,364 this is a man that knows 475 00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:06,834 how to marry his cousin. 476 00:21:22,051 --> 00:21:23,050 None of this would have happened 477 00:21:23,052 --> 00:21:24,651 if I wasn't always trying to help. 478 00:21:24,653 --> 00:21:25,819 Actually, none of this would have happened 479 00:21:25,821 --> 00:21:27,754 if I hadn't tried helping you with your helpfulness. 480 00:21:27,756 --> 00:21:29,489 Oh, don't torture yourself with that logic. 481 00:21:29,491 --> 00:21:31,992 None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born. 482 00:21:31,994 --> 00:21:33,260 Also, none of Britta's arguments 483 00:21:33,262 --> 00:21:35,796 would have a default analogy. Excuse me? 484 00:21:35,798 --> 00:21:37,431 He's saying you go to the Hitler well a lot. 485 00:21:37,433 --> 00:21:38,398 What are you, Hitler, Hitler? 486 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,635 Okay, Britta, we're all the worst right now. 487 00:21:41,637 --> 00:21:43,437 Take a day off. I did. 488 00:21:43,439 --> 00:21:46,340 Between us ruining the ceremony and ruining the reception, 489 00:21:46,342 --> 00:21:49,943 when we were all just individual people I wasn't the worst. 490 00:21:49,945 --> 00:21:51,812 I'm only the worst with you guys. 491 00:21:51,814 --> 00:21:53,647 Well, me too. Me too. 492 00:21:53,649 --> 00:21:54,948 I was a good dean before you guys. 493 00:21:54,950 --> 00:21:57,251 You can't disprove it. I relapsed because of you guys. 494 00:21:57,253 --> 00:21:59,353 What? Oh, it's not a big deal, 495 00:21:59,355 --> 00:22:01,388 white people problems. 496 00:22:01,390 --> 00:22:02,122 I like this group. 497 00:22:02,124 --> 00:22:03,257 I'm at my best when I'm with you guys. 498 00:22:03,259 --> 00:22:06,126 Well, that clinches it. Separate cabs? Separate cabs? 499 00:22:06,128 --> 00:22:08,228 Separate cabs? 500 00:22:08,230 --> 00:22:09,630 Hi. 501 00:22:09,632 --> 00:22:10,330 For those still with us, 502 00:22:10,332 --> 00:22:12,299 we won't be cutting the cake or dancing, 503 00:22:12,301 --> 00:22:15,202 and I believe there was a guy in a Homer Simpson costume 504 00:22:15,204 --> 00:22:16,904 that was gonna surprise me. 505 00:22:16,906 --> 00:22:19,373 That won't be necessary. 506 00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:22,242 Drive safe, and thank you for coming. 507 00:22:22,244 --> 00:22:24,344 What are you going to do? 508 00:22:24,346 --> 00:22:25,812 Chang! 509 00:22:25,814 --> 00:22:26,613 We're going home. 510 00:22:26,615 --> 00:22:29,616 Are you gonna stay married? Chang! 511 00:22:29,618 --> 00:22:30,450 We consulted with a lawyer, 512 00:22:30,452 --> 00:22:34,154 and it is legal in this state to marry your cousin, 513 00:22:34,156 --> 00:22:35,956 but after talking to our family 514 00:22:35,958 --> 00:22:38,025 we feel an annulment is warranted. 515 00:22:38,027 --> 00:22:39,459 What? No, screw that. Chang. 516 00:22:39,461 --> 00:22:40,360 Chang, get back here. 517 00:22:40,362 --> 00:22:43,730 Screw you, guys. No, this family is so screwed up 518 00:22:43,732 --> 00:22:45,365 you thought you were two different families. 519 00:22:45,367 --> 00:22:48,302 Now that you know you're not, you can't wait to leave? 520 00:22:48,304 --> 00:22:49,836 And you want this guy to do what? 521 00:22:49,838 --> 00:22:52,506 Forget he's in love? For you? 522 00:22:52,508 --> 00:22:55,309 You want him to take one for this crappy team? 523 00:22:55,311 --> 00:22:56,043 Let him finish. 524 00:22:56,045 --> 00:22:57,210 They were letting me finish, sir. 525 00:22:57,212 --> 00:22:58,912 I know. I was being sarcastic. 526 00:22:58,914 --> 00:23:01,315 Okay, you know... 527 00:23:05,788 --> 00:23:09,823 Garrett, who loves you here more than Stacy? 528 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,726 Nobody. Stacy, 529 00:23:12,728 --> 00:23:15,529 is it your fault Garrett's your cousin? No. 530 00:23:15,531 --> 00:23:17,264 Is anyone here going to make less fun of these two 531 00:23:17,266 --> 00:23:22,069 or be better friends to them, no matter what they do? 532 00:23:22,071 --> 00:23:22,836 No. 533 00:23:22,838 --> 00:23:25,839 It's you against the world, and you will not win, 534 00:23:25,841 --> 00:23:30,577 but you get to make your moves, not them. 535 00:23:37,386 --> 00:23:39,252 Stacy, 536 00:23:40,556 --> 00:23:44,257 will you be my legally incestuous wife? Yes. 537 00:23:44,259 --> 00:23:46,526 Everyone stay and eat cake, 538 00:23:46,528 --> 00:23:47,761 or go to hell! 539 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:53,066 Yeah. Way to go, buddy. 540 00:23:53,535 --> 00:23:56,937 I did it. I did it. This is about me! 541 00:23:56,939 --> 00:24:00,107 I didn't think I could do it, but I did it. 542 00:24:03,712 --> 00:24:06,613 Smile. Smile! Yay! 543 00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:19,593 Ugh, so much Jimming. 544 00:24:24,333 --> 00:24:27,367 Wow, what an episode of Community. 545 00:24:27,369 --> 00:24:28,568 Hi, I'm Briggs Hatton, 546 00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:30,370 credited author of this week's episode. 547 00:24:30,372 --> 00:24:33,774 You might have noticed an emphasis on the topic of incest. 548 00:24:33,776 --> 00:24:35,942 Well, that's no accident. For the past two years, 549 00:24:35,944 --> 00:24:38,545 when not serving as writer's assistant on Community, 550 00:24:38,547 --> 00:24:41,181 I've been researching incest on the Internet. 551 00:24:41,183 --> 00:24:42,482 What I found surprised me. 552 00:24:42,484 --> 00:24:43,850 Did you know that first cousins can have children 553 00:24:43,852 --> 00:24:47,421 without great risk of birth defect or genetic disease? 554 00:24:47,423 --> 00:24:49,890 That's a quote directly from The New York Times, 555 00:24:49,892 --> 00:24:50,524 April 4, 2002. 556 00:24:50,526 --> 00:24:52,993 But despite this scientific fact, state laws 557 00:24:52,995 --> 00:24:56,063 on incest remain inconsistent and woefully outdated. 558 00:24:56,065 --> 00:24:59,232 I mean, I can make love to my cousin in Nebraska, 559 00:24:59,234 --> 00:25:00,700 but if I take her on a date in South Dakota 560 00:25:00,702 --> 00:25:02,602 I'm looking at 15 years prison time. 561 00:25:02,604 --> 00:25:05,639 I told the Community writers attention must be paid. 562 00:25:05,641 --> 00:25:08,875 They said they'd allow me to address it on one condition. 563 00:25:08,877 --> 00:25:10,644 At the end of the episode I must appear 564 00:25:10,646 --> 00:25:12,245 and identify myself as writer. 565 00:25:12,247 --> 00:25:15,582 Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel about incest, 566 00:25:15,584 --> 00:25:18,218 I'm just letting you know there's more to it 567 00:25:18,220 --> 00:25:20,120 than you've been told. 568 00:25:20,122 --> 00:25:21,088 I'm Briggs Hatton. 569 00:25:21,090 --> 00:25:25,258 I wrote the Community, Season 6, incest episode. 570 00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:27,160 Good night. 571 00:26:00,829 --> 00:26:03,130 Did you get any of that?