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This programme contains
some strong language

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Today, Britain stands at a fork in
its crossroads.

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And its people are asking questions.

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Now we've got our country back,
what actually is it?

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Who are we? And why?

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The best way to find out where
Britain's heading is to

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look behind us into something
called "history",

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a sort of rear view mirror
for time.

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So that's where I'm going.

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Back there.

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It's a journey
that'll take me the length

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and width of the country,
from the White Cliffs of Dover

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to the Scottish high lands
of the Scottish Highlands.

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From old stone circles to
modern stone circles.

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From the tranquil beauty
of Roman Bath to the

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Golden Wonder of Oxford Services.

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I'll discover how we went
from Ancient Man to Ed Sheer-an,

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why Elizabeth I happened,

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and solving the mystery of just
who Winston Churchill was,

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and why he wound up helplessly
trapped inside this banknote.

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Along the way, I'll be shouting
at helicopters

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and looking at some of the biggest
faces in British history,

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and asking other people's
faces about them.

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Why did they call John Major
the Prince of Onions?

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Ummmmmm...

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And also walking somewhere
impressive with my mouth shut

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while my voice speaks anyway, like
I'm talking aloud in my own head.

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All of it taking place in this
sceptered isle we call home.

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So join me, Philomena Cunk, as
I take you right up

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the history of the United Britain
of Great Kingdom.

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This... is Cunk on Britain.

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It's hard to imagine
while you're standing in it,

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but there was a time before Britain.
Before Europe.

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Before the world,
even before the universe.

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Nobody can say when it was,
because it was also before clocks.

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And words. It was a time when
nothing existed.

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Empty. Without motion, or energy,
or light, or hope.

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Just like Plymouth today.

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Just imagine something like
this orange.

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And then imagine it's not there.

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Then do that one by one, with
everything that exists

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until there's nothing at all.

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That's what Britain was like
until the Big Bang.

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The Big Bang created the universe
in one mad explosion that was

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probably deafening, although,
luckily, ears didn't exist yet.

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Computers think it looked like this,
although eyes also didn't

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exist back then either
so we can't be sure, and it was

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so long ago now it's probably best
not to keep dredging it up.

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Britain was already part of Earth
but it was scrunched in along

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with loads of other countries in
a gigantic land mass called Pangea.

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At this time, Pangea was full
of Dinosaur, a race of Godzilla

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monsters so scary, normal human
beings didn't dare exist

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until they'd all gone.

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Dinosaurs came in many flavours,
just like Kettle Chips.

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As this actual footage shows,
the main ones were the Across ones

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who ate grass, and the Up-and-Down
ones who ate the Across ones.

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This Tyrannical Sawdust Rex is
the only real dinosaur left in the

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world, which is probably why it's
so angry, spending literally every

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waking moment of its life roaring
helplessly at passing tourists.

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People wonder why the dinosaurs
became extinct,

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although it's hardly
surprising they died out

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when you see the barbaric conditions
they're kept in, in zoos such as

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this one, underfed, starving, some
of them little more than skeletons.

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Luckily, the dinosaurs were soon
replaced by different animals.

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Animals like me. Man.

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But men like me didn't just appear,
fully-clothed, on the Earth.

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Instead, we had to evolve.
Evolution is complicated,

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so we've massively slowed it down
here so you can see it happening.

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And this wasn't the only change
that was happening,

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Pangea was changing too.

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Over time, all the countries decided
to split away one by one to

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work on solo projects.

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And Britain was no exception.

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Stones Age man used stones to make
basic weapons and tools,

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like these hand axes.

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As well as boring, these are also
shit by today's standards, but

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back then they were cutting edge,
because they had a cutting edge.

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The Stones Age was all rocks,
wasn't it?

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Are stones made of rock
or are rocks made of stone?

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Both. A stone is a rock.

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Generally a rock...
And a rock is a stone.

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Yeah, yeah, generally
rocks are, uh, more edgy,

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more ragged varieties of stone.

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The Stone Age lasted
a very long time.

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In fact, our species spent more time
in the Stone Age than any other.

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Let's think of it this way,
if you look at the human history,

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pre-history, as a year and
so New Year's Day is where humans

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start to use fire, and shape stone
tools and this year is the

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last split second before midnight
at the other end of the year, then

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we're in the old Stone Age until
about 3pm on the 31st of December.

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So rocks are more jaggedy.

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You could tell stone age
stuff was precious

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because they kept everything
deep underground.

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Why did Stone Age people bury
all their stuff underground?

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Were they worried someone might
steal it?

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No, that's how we find it.

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It wasn't always underground.

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It was on the top.

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The reason we find it
as archaeologists is that we go

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out and we dig it up. Oh.

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But not all Stones Age things
have to be dug up.

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Some are still visible.

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Which means you can see them.

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This is Stonehenge.

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Early man's finest achievement.

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To Stones Age Britons,
this was a cross between Nemesis

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at Alton Towers, in that it was
a spectacular attraction,

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and the queue for Nemesis
at Alton Towers

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in that it never fucking moves.

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Stonehenge was used to
tell the time,

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which means Stonehenge is the only
clock you can see from space.

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Unless you have a clock
in your spaceship.

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Eventually, primitive cave-boffins
discovered new materials.

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Early man dropped
rocks like a stone,

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and got into metal,
bronze, and then iron.

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Iron Man was born.

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But this Iron Man didn't have
superpowers like the Iron Man

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in films. He couldn't fly or
tolerate Gwyneth Paltrow,

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so instead he had to go to lengthy
measures to defend himself.

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Luckily, cave-boffins had also
invented the iron spike.

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And shortly after inventing
the spike,

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they invented stabbing each other.

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To make sure they stabbed the
right people,

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Britons formed into primitive
gangs, called tribes.

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And like many gangs,
they got into graffiti,

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vandalising the countryside with
gigantic doodles

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like this badly drawn horse,
or this decorative pervert.

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Before Snapchat, hills were the most
efficient way to distribute

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dick pics to a wide audience.

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As a result, this site
at Cerne Abbas became the second

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crudest hill in British history,
after Benny.

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There's disagreement about how old
the Cerne Abbas giant

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actually is, especially since he's
still young enough to get wood.

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What's not in doubt
is that he represents

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the birth of British art,
being the biggest example of a noble

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visual tradition
that's echoed down the ages.

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But this happy land of spikes
and hill filth

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was about to come under threat
from something nobody saw coming.

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Romans.

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Where did the Romans come from?

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To begin with, they came from Rome,

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and then they came
from the Roman Empire.

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Right, but where in Britain
did they come from?

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Not from Britain, they came
from Rome, which is in Italy.

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Right, well, this is about
the history of Britain, so...

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Where in Britain did they come from?

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Well, the Romans came from Rome
and they headed northwards

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and conquered most of Europe.
And then they crossed

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the English Channel and they
conquered about half of Britain.

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And where did they go once
they were in Britain?

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Well, they tried to get to Scotland

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but they decided it wasn't worth
the effort of going there.

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Yeah, I've felt that.

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The Romans were so advanced
they came with Latin pre-installed.

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And they soon taught the primitive
locals how to wash

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and walk on their hind legs.

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The Romans were fearsome in battle
but soon found themselves

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facing resistance from some British
locals known as Celts.

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There was heavy fighting,
although, according to experts,

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it wouldn't have quite looked
like this.

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Celts famously would... The warriors
would strip naked,

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paint themselves in designs,
and go into battle naked.

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They believed that by painting

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themselves in designs that they were
calling out to their gods,

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up in the sky, for protection
and for courage and for help.

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Did the Romans have chain mail then?

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They had, um, armour of a sort.

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They had armour and they were naked?
Yeah. Who won?

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Well... The Romans? The Romans won
in the end.

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I knew it.

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I bet when the Celts turned up naked
and saw what the Romans had on,

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I bet they were kicking themselves.
I bet they felt stupid.

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Bet they were like,
"Who suggested this?"

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Having defeated the Celts,

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the Romans set about
revolutionising British life.

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They built Hard Ian's wall,
and put the capital of Britain

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in Colchester, were nobody would
want to come and get it.

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They introduced coins, and invented
these primitive 8-bit computer

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game graphics, but couldn't
make them move.

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What the Romans really loved,
was bathing, which is

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why they built this in
the English town of Bathe.

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No-one in Britain had seen anything
as sophisticated as these baths.

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You could think of it as an early
example of gentrification,

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like when someone opens
an artisan bakery in Hull.

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Imagine an ancient Briton
walking into this place.

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He'd scarcely be able to comprehend
what he was seeing.

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It'd be like Steve McFadden
climbing on board Concorde.

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Perhaps most impressive of all,
the Romans invented roads.

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Before roads was invented,
you had to travel around by standing

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at the edge of your village,
and seeing how far you could jump.

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Despite all this, some people
resisted the Roman invasion.

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Queen Boudicca came from Norfolk,
like so many rebels.

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Myleene Klass.

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Ed Balls.

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Delia Smith.

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Boudicca hated the Romans.

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She led a barbarian army in revolt,
and attacked Colchester,

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turning it from the bustling
capital into a smouldering hellhole

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full of weeping and despair,
which you can still visit today.

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Rome was the most advanced warfare
machine on the planet.

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But Boudicca's army fought back with
the weapon they knew best.

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Spikes.

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And lost, because it's just spikes.

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Once Boudicca was crushed,
the Romans ruled over

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Britain for years, until suddenly
they had to rush home because they

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remembered they'd left a complete
collapse of civilisation on.

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Britain was left on its own.

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It had taken back control from the
unelected bureaucrats of Rome

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and was free at last to
explore its own proud destiny.

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And it did that by immediately
entering the Dark Ages.

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We don't know a huge amount
about what actually happened

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during the Dark Ages because the
Romans had taken

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the last pens with them.

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That's probably why it
became a time of myth.

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And great heroes, like King Arthur.

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King Arthur came a lot, didn't he?

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I, I think you mean that
he's associated

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with the court of Camelot.
No, it definitely says...

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"King Arthur came a lot."

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Camelot. Camelot?
Yeah, it's it's his court.

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Where he, where he held court.

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It's, it's a place.
Oh, right.

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But do we know if he came a lot?

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Or, like, just
the same as an average man?

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Like about a tablespoon.

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The only evidence I have in that
regard is that he is said to

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have had one child. Right.

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So probably not.
Probably not.

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Even though he didn't exist,

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King Arthur lived in a castle
called Camelot,

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where he founded the Round Table,

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even though he didn't do
that either.

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The Round Table was
a sort of lazy Susan,

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which meant the knights could
get at the snacks

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they wanted without having to
move around in their armour.

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But perhaps the greatest British
icon to emerge

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during the Dark Ages was
mega patriot

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00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,440
and dragon slayer St George.

239
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,200
We don't know where or when
George slayed the dragon,

240
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,520
but we know it definitely happened

241
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,360
because a bystander took this
painting of the event.

242
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,080
And it probably happened
somewhere in Wales.

243
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:54,200
It's one of the few concrete facts
to come out of the Dark Ages.

244
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,280
Do we know for certain the dragon
was threatening St George

245
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,440
or do we just jump to conclusions

246
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,200
because the of the way
the dragon looked?

247
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:08,160
Um, well, eh, the story of
St George killing the dragon

248
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:11,920
isn't actually true
because there are no dragons.

249
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,120
After he killed the dragon,
how was he rewarded?

250
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,720
I mean, what's better than a saint?

251
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,480
Well, he didn't kill the dragon,
cos dragons don't exist.

252
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,840
It's made up.

253
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,960
But is it true to say he was the
greatest Englishman who ever lived?

254
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,520
The thing about St George is that he
wasn't actually English.

255
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,200
His father came from the middle of
what's now Turkey,

256
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,240
and his mother came from Palestine.

257
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,600
And he never actually came
to England.

258
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:40,880
Oh, you're joking!

259
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,400
But although St George never
bothered, lots of other

260
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:49,800
foreigners did set foot in Britain,
as it got invaded again and again.

261
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,040
First by the Angles and the Saxons

262
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:56,120
and then by the notoriously brutal
Vikings, who arrived from

263
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,640
Denmark in long boats, wearing metal
helmets which they'd somehow managed

264
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:04,000
to pull over the terrifying skull
horns that jutted from their heads.

265
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,080
British King Alfred of Great fought
the Vikings by giving up,

266
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,200
and letting them settle in York,

267
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,880
probably because it had
the Jorvik Viking Centre.

268
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:17,120
Soon, interbreeding meant
the Vikings lost their distinctive

269
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,920
horns and became indistinguishable
from normal humans.

270
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,760
For a few hundred years,
Britain was relatively peaceful,

271
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,560
until one day when a new king,
Harold, was getting coronated.

272
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,680
And Halley's Comet, a sort of very
short firework display,

273
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,840
appeared in the sky.

274
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,640
The comet has always heralded
great events.

275
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,120
It last appeared
in our skies in 1986,

276
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,360
the same year the sitcom
Brush Strokes started.

277
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,200
In King Harold's day,
the comet was also a sign

278
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,960
of terrible things to come.

279
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,400
The year was 1066.

280
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,800
1066 and the Battle of Hastings
are probably British history's

281
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,080
two most famous events, so it's
handy they happened the same year.

282
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,760
Harold had a rival.

283
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,160
In the first example of an EU
national coming over here

284
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,080
to take British jobs,

285
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,520
a Frenchman called William set sail
to seize the throne,

286
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,960
and become King.

287
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,080
It's amazing to think that only
a thousand years ago, this field

288
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,680
was interesting,
because it was here

289
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,240
that Harold and William's
armies met.

290
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,960
There have been many battles
in Britain's history,

291
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,320
but we don't know what
happened in most of them.

292
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,000
The Battle of Hastings is different.

293
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,120
We've got an accurate visual record
of the whole thing thanks to

294
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,400
a quick-thinking bystander,
who took a tapestry of it.

295
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,800
Despite looking like a
Game of Thrones season finale

296
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,200
drawn by an eight-year-old boy,

297
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,560
the Baywatch Tapestry captures
the full force of the battle.

298
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,240
It's just like being there,
but in wool.

299
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:23,040
Here's the Norman archers
steaming in on their blue horses.

300
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,440
Here's a sort of stick fight bit.

301
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,000
Some chopped up people down here.

302
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,880
His head's off,
he'll be furious about that.

303
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,200
Some goose monsters in the
sky looking down.

304
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,360
A sort of lion thing up here
eating its own tail.

305
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,360
Is that its bumhole?
I think that's its bumhole.

306
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,120
As you can see, Harold won

307
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,080
when he triumphantly caught
an arrow in his eye.

308
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,960
Sadly, it wasn't enough,
and he died soon after.

309
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,200
No-one knows why.

310
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,800
This meant that the Normans
were victorious.

311
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,000
At last, William the Conqueror's
name made sense.

312
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,040
William winning was like
Brexit backwards.

313
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,080
Britain was suddenly part of Europe.

314
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,440
And that meant everything
had to change.

315
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,120
There were new castles,
new cathedrals,

316
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:18,200
even the Tower of London,
and amazingly all built by one man,

317
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,760
Norman Architecture.

318
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,200
The new king wanted
a list of everybody in the country,

319
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,120
where they lived,
and what stuff they had.

320
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,520
It became known as the
Domesday Book

321
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,600
and was very much
the internet of its day.

322
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,000
So is this the actual Domesday Book?

323
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,960
This is the actual Domesday
Book, yes.

324
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,360
And it's usually under glass,
isn't it, this book?

325
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,840
Well, usually it's not
accessible at all.

326
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,320
So, it's very rarely on display
so this is really quite a special

327
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,760
occasion, that we've got it out,
for you to be able to see it today.

328
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,560
So you're not allowed to touch it.

329
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,120
No. I thought that was
because of the curse.

330
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,040
The curse? Yeah. I heard that there
was a curse on it.

331
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,560
I've definitely not heard that
so I, I don't think there's a curse.

332
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,480
I thought it was going to be like,
you know, Raiders of the Lost Ark?

333
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,760
Mm-hm. Where that Nazi
gets his face melted off.

334
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,760
Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going
to be like that.

335
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,120
I'm afraid not. Oh.

336
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:17,000
So how does the Domesday Book
compare to a book like

337
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,000
The Runaway by Martina Cole?

338
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,040
Well, I've not read The Runaway
by Martina Cole, but I think...

339
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,160
It's really good. OK...

340
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,560
I think that's a work of fiction
so it's a made-up story,

341
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,280
whereas Domesday is recording
the land and land holding

342
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,280
in England before
the Norman conquest

343
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:34,920
and after the Norman conquest.

344
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,240
It kind of lists who holds land,
and what's within that land

345
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,480
and how much it's worth.

346
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,200
And it does that in a lot of detail.

347
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,600
So Roger holds a land here called,

348
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,680
it's just called Mildehope.

349
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,720
It's probably going to have
a different name now.

350
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,760
So how can we free the people
living in this book?

351
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,880
Well, they don't live in the book.

352
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,600
But their souls are inside the book.

353
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,080
I don't think that's
necessarily true.

354
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,400
I think this records
information about them.

355
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,000
But it's not...
they're not in there.

356
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,240
It's just, you know,
it's just a record about them.

357
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,560
It doesn't sort of contain
their being, or anything like that.

358
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,040
We don't need to worry about them.

359
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,600
Are you sure? I'm sure.

360
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,960
The book gives us a unique insight
into what life would have

361
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,040
been like in the Middle Ages.

362
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,320
In the middle-evil times,
if you were lucky enough to be

363
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,240
a King or a knight or a lady with
a pointy hat with all nets on it,

364
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,520
you might have lived
somewhere like this.

365
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,760
A castle.

366
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,000
Castles were originally built by
kings to protect their land

367
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,840
and to sit in -
whereas, today, they're mainly used

368
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,520
as extortionate wedding venues.

369
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,680
Of course, not everyone was a king.

370
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,840
Everyone else was peasants.

371
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,480
Peasants lived in thatched wooden
huts full of chicken shit.

372
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,520
The water was filthy,
so everyone drank beer,

373
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,920
and the only thing to eat was bread.

374
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,040
It was a particularly challenging
time for the gluten-intolerant.

375
00:20:56,040 --> 00:21:01,040
But, luckily, nobody was yet middle
class, so they just put up with it.

376
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,840
But life for the common man
was about to get better

377
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,480
thanks to the Magna Carta,
a sort of terms

378
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,320
and conditions notice King John had
to sign against his will,

379
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,560
which limited his powers
and gave citizens basic rights.

380
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:18,280
The Magna Carta kick-started the
whole of British political history,

381
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,560
a history so complex even experts
can no longer keep track of it.

382
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,000
What's the most political thing
that's ever happened in Britain?

383
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,360
Erm...

384
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,280
I'm not sure. I mean, I think...

385
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,040
Gosh, that's...

386
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,720
that's, that's a a tricky question
in the sense that

387
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:46,240
there are definitely degrees of...

388
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,200
Oh, gosh.

389
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,960
What's the most political...?
So, I, I...

390
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,200
There are lots of things
that are straightforwardly political

391
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,320
and then there are other
things that are not.

392
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,840
That are sort of halfway, I guess,
but, erm, I can't...

393
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,480
I genuinely can't identify
the most political.

394
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,800
Second-most?

395
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,360
Meanwhile, back in history,
by the Middle Ages, middle-evil

396
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,520
England was such a big deal,
it was even happening in Scotland.

397
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,840
The Scots have always been a
proud, confident nation,

398
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,040
ready to complain if they think
they've not been given their own

399
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,040
little section in a landmark
history programme.

400
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,400
But in 1296,

401
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,560
Scotland was reluctantly under the
rule of English Edward I.

402
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,000
One man wanted out, Walliam Willis.

403
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,600
No-one knew what Walliam Willis
looked like until 1995

404
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,480
when Hollywood scientists discovered
he looked exactly like Mel Gibson

405
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,920
who was, coincidentally, playing
a Scottish Apache in a film called

406
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:51,560
Braveheart, a sort of Scottish
reboot of Dancing With Wolves.

407
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:57,480
That they may take our lives, but
they'll never take our freedom!

408
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,240
Sensitively informing modern
audiences about a story little-known

409
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,680
outside Scotland, the film
emotively and expertly

410
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,440
depicted Walliam as he gathered a
band of noble warriors

411
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,760
and defeated the English army
at Stirling Bridge,

412
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,200
using facepaint and
extreme whittling.

413
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,800
To this day, the words
"Stirling Bridge"

414
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,920
conjure pride in every
Scotman's heart.

415
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,520
While to an Englishman,

416
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,360
those same words conjure up
literally no feelings at all.

417
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,880
But his glory days weren't to
last and Willis and his men

418
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,520
were defeated by the English
at Falkirk.

419
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,280
With Willis gone, a posh Scotsman
called Roberty Bruce

420
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,560
thrashed the English at the Battle
of Bannockburn, and took the throne.

421
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:42,640
Scotland would never again be under
English control, for a bit.

422
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,480
Willis meanwhile was eventually
captured by the English

423
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:50,600
and taken to London, where he was
publicly hung, drawn and quartered.

424
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:54,840
This means he was hung by his neck,
then while he was still alive,

425
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,080
his guts were chopped out,
and his body cut into four quarters.

426
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,360
Something you can ask your local
butcher to do to a chicken.

427
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,840
Once it'd stopped screaming,
Willis's severed head

428
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,520
was placed atop a pike
on London Bridge,

429
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,920
like a sort of gory Scottish Pez.

430
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,280
Willis' execution kicked off a
golden age of public entertainment.

431
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,440
As well as watching people die
painfully, popular past-times

432
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:22,200
included bear baiting,
shin-kicking and cockfighting,

433
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,360
which isn't what it sounds like,
even though I checked twice.

434
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:28,840
But British culture wasn't just
being cruel to animals.

435
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,800
It was also bum jokes.

436
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:35,120
And the William Shakespeare of bum
jokes was Geoffrey Chaucer.

437
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,080
His greatest work was
The Canterbury Tales,

438
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,880
which everyone has pretended
to have a read at least some of.

439
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:47,440
His stories feature lots of bawdy
shenanigans, a literary phrase

440
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,800
which means knockers popping out,
or things unexpectedly

441
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,640
going up your arse accompanied
by a sort of swannee whistle noise.

442
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,080
Chaucer's meant to be quite rude,
isn't he?

443
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,360
Could you describe
a rude bit for me?

444
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,040
So, there's a very famous scene
where, um, there's a woman,

445
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,560
a very pretty woman called Alison,
who everyone fancies.

446
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:10,120
And she is in her bedroom
with one lover,

447
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,680
and then another would-be lover
arrives at the window

448
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,800
to serenade her
and begs her for a kiss.

449
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,560
And she sticks her arse
out of the window, her naked arse,

450
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,200
and he kisses that
very enthusiastically

451
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:26,160
and then suddenly realises
what he's done.

452
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,080
And he's quite upset and runs away.

453
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,400
Right, that's not very rude, is it?

454
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,240
Like, my mate, Paul,
told me this joke

455
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,880
about this bloke in prison, who wore
a bib round his backside.

456
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,280
And that story went places
I wasn't prepared for.

457
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,920
Like, not even funny,
just disturbing.

458
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,360
And when I looked up,
Paul was crying.

459
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,240
But it wasn't all chuckles
in the Middle Ages.

460
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,400
In 1348, Britain was invaded again.

461
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,560
But this time by a plague.

462
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,560
Not a metaphorical plague
like a metaphorical plague.

463
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,080
But an actual plague,
made of plague.

464
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,600
The Black Death symptoms
were disgusting.

465
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,960
Discoloured buboes grew
in the groin and armpits,

466
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,240
making even a light workout
next to impossible.

467
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:18,520
If you had sex with someone who had
the Black Death, would you

468
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,960
have to use a condom for protection?

469
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,480
It depends what your major
concerns were.

470
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:29,560
Um. But you wouldn't be protecting
yourself against infection.

471
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:33,680
How long would you get off work
if you got the Black Death?

472
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,880
Um, in about 70% of
cases you'd be off work forever.

473
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,080
Oh, right. Result.

474
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,560
Because you'd be dead. Oh.

475
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,400
Roughly half the population died,
which statistically meant that

476
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,160
if you wanted to save your loved
ones, you'd have to die yourself.

477
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,680
The Middle Ages
started like fancy dress party

478
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,840
and ended like Halloween.

479
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,240
But once it had
got its strength back,

480
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,080
and grown some more people,

481
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,240
England descended into 30 glorious
years of violent conflict

482
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:06,480
between rival royal houses -
the War of the Roses,

483
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,760
which sounds like a sitcom
about florists, but,

484
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,480
perhaps surprisingly, wasn't.

485
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,800
This was an incredibly complex
period of history,

486
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,360
which is frustrating because we've
got to get it out of the way in this

487
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:21,760
episode, and we spent too long
talking about Mel Gibson earlier.

488
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,880
The War of the Roses is
a complicated struggle,

489
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,400
but could you sum it up
for my viewers in,

490
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,320
like, three words?

491
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,320
Uh, conspiracy, dynasty, war.

492
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,880
Could you do it a bit more
thoroughly than that?

493
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,120
I'll give you ten seconds.

494
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:43,680
Start.

495
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,960
Uh, it's a struggle to control
England and the crown.

496
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,320
You've got a few more seconds.

497
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:52,400
Between warring and...

498
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,040
Stop.

499
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,200
Perhaps the most violent
event of the War of the Roses

500
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,080
was the Battle of Bosworth,

501
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:05,120
which Richard III tried to escape
by burrowing under a car park.

502
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:09,360
He hid down here for centuries
before finally emerging in 2013,

503
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:13,880
by which point the war was over,
and he'd died of tarmac inhalation.

504
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,680
Richard III may have died,

505
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,600
but he gave birth to a series
of celebrity kings and queens.

506
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:25,120
The Tudors, very much
the Kardashians of British history.

507
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,520
But that's a story that'll have
to wait for now.

508
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,600
Join me next time
when I go back in time again.

509
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,000
Not in an exciting
way like in a film,

510
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,800
I'm probably just looking at some
old pots, or something.

511
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,480
How can we be sure Henry of Eight
is who we think he was?

512
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,320
What if he was someone else just
pretending to be himself,

513
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:51,880
who happened to look like whoever
he actually was? Uh, well...

514
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,950
Subtitles by Red Bee Media