1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:11,000 In the first brilliant instalment of this soon-to-be award-winning series, 2 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,560 I showed you, for the first time and better than anyone else, 3 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,240 how humankind dragged itself out of caveman times, 4 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:22,040 invented farming, thinking and sand triangles, 5 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:26,120 and eventually founded the brand-new city of ancient Rome. 6 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,200 But that wasn't the end of the story, obviously, 7 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,480 because it was only episode one. 8 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,800 There was no denying man had come an incredible distance. 9 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,240 But could he come even further? Or was he spent and in need of a lie down? 10 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,960 To reach the next level, humanoid kind would need to believe 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,880 in something bigger than man himself, bigger even than elephant itself. 12 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,840 In this episode, I'll see how humankind found religion, 13 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,160 and we'll settle an argument that has raged for centuries. 14 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,200 Which is better, the Bible or the "Korran"? 15 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,160 - The Koran. - So that one. 16 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,440 It all happened right here, 17 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,000 on the only planet still worth fighting for. 18 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,160 This is Cunk on Earth. 19 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,080 The time is half past Rome o'clock B.C. 20 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,360 The Romanite Empire is at its most biggest. 21 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,000 But despite the fancy columns and mosaics, 22 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,280 there was an emptiness at the heart of Roman culture. 23 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:41,200 Holding endless wine-fueled orgies in cramped vomitoriums is all very well. 24 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,920 But eventually you need something more. And also a mop. 25 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,800 Humans craved enlighteningment. 26 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,560 To find it, they'd need a spiritual role model, an icon, 27 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,800 an almost Christ-like figure. 28 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,160 And as luck would have it, 29 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,960 someone fitting that bill was about to arrive. 30 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,840 None other than Mr. Jesus Christ. 31 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,720 He was born in a humble stable, 32 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,360 which, ironically, isn't a stable environment for a baby, 33 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,960 unless it's a baby donkey, 34 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,360 which, if records are to be believed, Jesus wasn't. 35 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,600 In fact, as this actual painting makes clear, 36 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,640 when Christ was born, he had a magic flaming circle on his head 37 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,080 which would have set fire to all the hay and pubes as he came out. 38 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,600 Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later. 39 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,760 Jesus was born Jewish, but soon converted to carpentry 40 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,320 as he followed his dad into the primitive chair-and-table industry. 41 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,280 What's ironic about Jesus Christ becoming a carpenter 42 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,840 was he was actually named after the two words you're most likely to shout 43 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,880 after hitting your thumb with a hammer. 44 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,080 Scholars believe he was a real historical figure, 45 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,080 like Justin Timberlake or Garfield. 46 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,080 Whether or not they think he was the actual son of God 47 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,800 who performed miracles 48 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,080 like walking on wine or helping a deaf man see... 49 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,000 they all agree he preached tolerance and forgiveness, 50 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,840 a message so important his most ardent followers 51 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:08,760 would eventually start killing anyone who didn't want to hear it. 52 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:16,360 Little wonder this radicalized wood smith scared the Roman authorities. 53 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,360 They considered Jesus so dangerous they had him crucified. 54 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,720 And not just a little, but all the way to death. 55 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,440 Just imagine Christ's conflicted emotions. 56 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,440 He'd been sent to Earth to save mankind, and yet here he was, 57 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,120 enduring the physical agony of being nailed to a cross, 58 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:40,640 while also knowing what a great logo it would make for his long-term campaign. 59 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,080 Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying. 60 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,000 So could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture? 61 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:53,880 I think cancel culture would sort of require 62 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,000 the idea that people 63 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:02,680 really saw Jesus as standing for something and they were sure they knew what it was. 64 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,920 No, sorry. That wasn't a question. 65 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,840 I'm literally asking if you could call him 66 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,320 the first celebrity victim of cancel culture for our show. 67 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,920 Down that lens there. 68 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:18,400 Just, you know, it's for a credit sequence with punchy soundbites in it. 69 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,600 Off you go. Down that lens. 70 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,079 - Okay, down this lens? - Yeah. 71 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:29,120 You might even say Jesus was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture. 72 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,200 Brilliant. Thank you. 73 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:35,440 But incredibly, just when it seemed the life of Christ was over, 74 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,760 he respawned, danced up a hill and leapt all the way up into heaven, 75 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,400 breaking all world records for a standing jump in the process. 76 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:47,360 During his lifetime, Jesus only had 12 followers, 77 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,600 fewer even than my Uncle Steve's uninspiring Instagram account. 78 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,000 But that all changed once his teachings began to spread 79 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,200 in the form of the written word. 80 00:04:56,280 --> 00:05:00,480 After he died, Jesus came back to Earth in the form of a book, didn't he? 81 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,520 Why do Christians call that special book the "Bibbel"? 82 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,400 - The Bible? - Is that how it's pronounced? 83 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,440 I've literally never heard anyone say it before. How'd you say it? 84 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,800 - Bible. - So why is it spelt "Bibbel"? 85 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,320 Because I've seen it written down. B-I-B-L-E. 86 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,760 - Yeah, Bible. - Bibbel. 87 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:23,280 Christ's message was spread far and wide by the Apostles 88 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,640 almost 2,000 years before the release 89 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,200 of Belgian techno anthem "Pump Up the Jam." 90 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,280 But not everyone appreciated the swinging sound of Christianity, 91 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,400 especially in Rome, where Christians were persecuted, 92 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,000 which is Latin for "shat on." 93 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,600 And if you were a Christian back then, perhaps the worst place to find yourself 94 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,800 was the Colosseum, an area of misery on a par with Birmingham. 95 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,360 It was here the Romans first threw Christians to the lions, 96 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,680 possibly to see if their pacifist message would rub off on the beasts 97 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,160 and make them less angry and bitey. 98 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,200 If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion, 99 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,960 would they then go forward to the next round? 100 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,040 You know, and would they have to eat something else, 101 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,360 like a whole horse or something? 102 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,880 There's not a lot of evidence that they threw very many Christians to the lions. 103 00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,360 Just for this, can you pretend that loads of Christians were thrown to the lions? 104 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,000 Really? But that's wrong. 105 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,440 Do you think the Christians would forgive the lions for eating them 106 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,800 while it was happening? 107 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,480 They probably didn't blame the lions. 108 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:13,120 I mean, a lion was only doing what lions naturally do. 109 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,640 Do we know how the lions felt about only ever being given one thing to eat? 110 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,240 Can't have been fun, can it? You know. 111 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,320 Imagine if every day your lunch was just screaming and wouldn't stop. 112 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,960 That's going to have an impact on your mental health. 113 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,760 - The mental health of lions. - Yeah. 114 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:28,880 Hmm. 115 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,600 Incredibly, within a few hundred years, 116 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,040 the Romans had become Christians themselves. 117 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,120 But why? 118 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,440 Tragically, none of the people involved in ancient Rome are still alive today. 119 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,040 So to find out why that happened, we have to sift through ancient texts, 120 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,680 like you do at the end of a relationship. 121 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,200 Thanks to the modern science of reading, 122 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,760 we now know the Roman Emperor Constantine, 123 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,240 whose name means constant or unchanging, 124 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,960 one day unexpectedly changed to Christianity. 125 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,920 Soon, all the Romans had converted to Christianity, 126 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,120 and shortly after that, 127 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,840 they stopped throwing Christians to the lions altogether. 128 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,120 No one knows why. 129 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,000 The Romans had found God almost overnight. 130 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:18,160 What is it about religion that can win us over so unexpectedly? 131 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:23,000 Why do humans need to believe in something bigger than ourselves? 132 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,160 Is it so we don't feel quite so fat? 133 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:32,880 Well, I think the sense of purpose and value 134 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:38,520 constitutes a very important element of a happy life. 135 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:39,600 But it must help. 136 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,559 If you think how big the world is, 137 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,000 suddenly you feel a lot slimmer. 138 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,320 Quite possibly. 139 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,720 Some people have a sudden religious conversion, don't they? 140 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,680 My mate Paul was driving to Winchester when a lorry jack-knifed in front of him 141 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,720 and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slo-mo. 142 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,480 And Paul, who's never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said, 143 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:05,840 "I promise if I survive this, I'll believe in you." 144 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:10,560 And he did survive, but he fractured his skull and broke both his legs. 145 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,560 Why did Jesus do that to him? 146 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:18,360 Well, you've raised a very significant question about the nature of providence. 147 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,120 - Have I? - You have, indeed. 148 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,240 If we believe in a good God, 149 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:28,360 why is there so much evil in the world? 150 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,400 - Now, your friend... - Paul. 151 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,120 Paul, his accident, 152 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,560 uh, you know, to what extent can one blame God for that? 153 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,000 See, Paul never forgave him. 154 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,320 He said, "If I ever see Christ again, he's a dead man." 155 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:46,960 Right. 156 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,800 Rome had become a beacon of Christian faith. 157 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,200 But disaster was just around the corner, 158 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,280 because the Romans had converted to a religion of peace 159 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,680 just in time to have their arse handed to them 160 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,040 by some people who mainly believed in hammers and smashing. 161 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,560 They were the Vandals, 162 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:07,200 an ancient group notorious for their appetite for destruction, 163 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,640 like Guns N' Roses. 164 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,960 Right now I'm standing on, and also in, modern Rome, 165 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:21,680 which, by an incredible coincidence, is on the same site as the ancient one. 166 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:26,200 And it's here the Vandals' terrifying assault on the city took place. 167 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,760 The Vandal hordes would have swept through there, 168 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,480 past the coffee shop with the rude staff, all the way down here, 169 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,120 killing, looting and burning as they went. 170 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,080 We also know that traffic intersection wouldn't have been there at that time, 171 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,520 so they could have safely ignored 172 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,640 any associated road signals during their invasion. 173 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,200 Also, that pizza place wouldn't have been open 174 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,160 because they think the rampage happened on a Sunday. 175 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,160 And according to TripAdvisor, it closes over the weekend 176 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,840 and isn't suitable for large groups anyway. 177 00:10:55,920 --> 00:11:00,240 But everything else you see around here would have been completely destroyed. 178 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,920 By the time the Vandals rolled out of this part of the city 179 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,200 and into the next one, 180 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,720 they'd left nothing but destruction and horseshit in their wake. 181 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:15,000 Rome had been sacked, destroyed, properly fucked to bits. 182 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:19,160 And once Rome fell, the entire Roman Empire went kaput. 183 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:23,920 The grim period that followed became known as the "Darkages." 184 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,280 Ow, shit! 185 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,960 "Darkages" sort of sounds like a symptom, doesn't it? 186 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,040 You know, maybe like a plague thing. 187 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,760 - Do you mean the Dark Ages? - Oh, right, is that what it is? 188 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:41,680 If you mean an old-fashioned term for the early Middle Ages. 189 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,480 - Right. - Except we don't use that term anymore. 190 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:45,600 Oh, do we not? 191 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,000 Well, it has very negative connotations 192 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,920 of being a dark and ignorant and benighted time, and, um... 193 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,160 - Which it was. - Not really. 194 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,600 It had fantastic thinkers and historians and artists and authors. 195 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,880 But it was a bit shit. 196 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,840 The Dark Ages was a depressing era 197 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,920 during which the whole of Europe fumbled about in the dark, 198 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,440 banging its shins on stuff and getting all diseases up its bum. 199 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,440 It must have properly done people's heads in. 200 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,640 Whenever you see medieval times, 201 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,400 there's this sort of annoying "hey nonny no" music playing constantly. 202 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,920 - Yeah, pretty much. - You know, that music, that sort of... 203 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,040 Yeah. 204 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,160 Yep. There's a lot of that. 205 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,160 Where's that sound coming from? Couldn't they switch it off? 206 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,280 The Dark Ages were a tragedy for human progress 207 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,480 that put back the rollout of 5G by hundreds of years. 208 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:57,280 So we've had the Dark Ages. Has there been a Light Ages? 209 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:02,880 Well, the claim was made by people in the early modern period, 210 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,520 the so-called Renaissance, that theirs was the age of light. 211 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,880 And then, of course, we have a whole era later 212 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,520 that people called the Enlightenment. 213 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,800 Is that in this episode or will that come up later? 214 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,280 Well, I'm guessing it will come up later. 215 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,400 Which episode are we in now? 216 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:23,040 Um, I... Probably something about the Middle Ages. 217 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,840 Yeah, but is it, like, episode three or episode four? 218 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,520 - I'm afraid I'm not sure. - We're both just lost here, aren't we? 219 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,960 This is fucking awful. 220 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,520 But luckily, Europe wasn't the only country 221 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,880 having a history back then. 222 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,560 Boffins now believe other countries, such as South America and Asia, 223 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,600 were having their own histories too. 224 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,640 And they were keeping civilization going 225 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,480 in their own funny, exotic, foreign little ways. 226 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,520 This is the city of Chichen Itza, 227 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,480 built by the Mayan people in what is now Mexico. 228 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,560 And this is its centerpiece, the Temple of Kukulkan. 229 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,880 If you were brought here a thousand years ago, 230 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,920 chances are you were about to be sacrificed to appease Chaac, 231 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,720 the Mayan god of rain. 232 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,856 Today, you're perhaps more likely to be dropping by as part of a pleasant day trip 233 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,960 out from the nearby holiday resort of Tulum. 234 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:14,920 That's where I'm staying, 235 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,280 at the five-star Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa. 236 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,480 This all-inclusive resort, 237 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,560 nestling on the picture-perfect Tulum coastline, 238 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,000 really is the last word in luxury. 239 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,920 All the rooms are en suite, and with this stunning ocean view, 240 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,280 it's hard to think of a reason to get out of bed. 241 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,520 Apart, of course, from the beautiful beach and constant sunshine 242 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,640 right here on your doorstep. 243 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,560 If the sunny skies get too much, there are three pools to cool off in, 244 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,880 including one for adults only. 245 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,440 There's plenty for the little ones too, with the Turtle Club giving them 246 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,360 the holiday of their allegedly important little lives so far. 247 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,080 And with five onsite restaurants to choose from, 248 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,120 you'll never get bored of the food. 249 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,480 If all that wasn't enough, the stunning Inspiration Spa 250 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:03,480 offers world-class wellness options, from toenail filing to vigorous rubbing. 251 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,440 And when the sun goes down, the nightlife begins. 252 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,560 With local spirits, wines and beers all included, 253 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,000 there's no reason to hold back. 254 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:17,800 With sunshine all day and partying all night, you won't want to go home. 255 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,656 Philomena stayed five nights at the Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa. 256 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,280 All-inclusive prices start at £200 per person per night 257 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:24,280 based on two sharing. 258 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,760 VAT not included. Terms and conditions apply. 259 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,080 While the Mayans worshiped their gods, 260 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,400 thousands of miles away in Arabia, 261 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:42,080 a prophet named Muhammad was founding another religion, Islam. 262 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,880 Apparently, Islam can be a sensitive topic, 263 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,160 and the producers say 264 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,200 if I don't follow this script to the letter, 265 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,280 there's a chance I'll cause a serious international incident. 266 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,120 That's quite a blow, to be honest. It's all right, I'll busk it. 267 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,480 So, what can we say about Islam? Well, for one thing... 268 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,520 I, for one, don't think any of that is controversial at all. 269 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,840 Islam represented a radical break from previous religions 270 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,520 because the buildings it happened inside were a slightly different shape. 271 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,040 It expanded across the globe 272 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:42,120 almost as quickly as Fox News thinks it still does today. 273 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,600 It was an apparently irresistible spread, like Nutella. 274 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,680 The Koran says accumulating knowledge is a worthy act. 275 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:56,440 So Islamic mega nerds created the first universities and libraries... 276 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,240 containing all the world's knowledge, 277 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,880 which, at that point, could probably fit into one pamphlet, to be fair. 278 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:11,760 Mm. 279 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,319 Because they needed more knowledge to fill their libraries, 280 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,560 Muslim boffins got into maths. 281 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:27,720 Calculus, geometry, and of course the most Islamic-sounding one, al-gebra. 282 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:33,960 Not to be outdone, Christianity was also expanding, thanks to missionaries. 283 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,680 The missionaries were known for their position, 284 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,400 which was that the big man, God, was on top 285 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,200 and the rest of us had to lie back and take it. 286 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,520 Sent by the Pope, missionaries took the Bible and the cross 287 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:52,760 and set out from here, painstakingly making their way right across the map. 288 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:57,040 And eventually ending up all the way over here in Ireland, 289 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,200 where they spread the word by reading aloud from the... 290 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,640 Hold on, I forgot the book. 291 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,200 Travel in those days was exceptionally perilous and grueling, 292 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,640 so the early missionaries wouldn't have wanted to undertake their journey twice 293 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,280 any more than I do. 294 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,120 But once they arrived at their destination, 295 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,040 what they brought would change the world forever. 296 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,520 The Bible and the... 297 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:23,800 Who moved the cross? 298 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,120 Christianity was the fidget spinner of medieval times, 299 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,960 a huge craze that would last forever. 300 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,960 It led to a boom in religious iconography. 301 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,880 Images of Jesus were everywhere you looked. 302 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,080 In medieval times, there were lots of paintings of Jesus. 303 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,600 How did he find the time to pose for the artists? 304 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,840 What was his availability like? 305 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,840 Well, he was everywhere, always... 306 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,360 - Hmm. - ... figuratively speaking. 307 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,400 So they're painting him from memory, 308 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:58,040 like someone describing an intruder to a police sketch artist, 309 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,320 but an intruder who's the son of God. 310 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,120 In old paintings of Jesus, he comes in two modes, doesn't he? 311 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,440 He's either a baby or he's being crucified. 312 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,000 Are there any paintings where he is being crucified as a baby? 313 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,880 No. No. 314 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,560 Right. They missed an opportunity there, didn't they, to play the sympathy card. 315 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,640 Did Jesus ever paint himself? 316 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,640 Uh... 317 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,080 I don't believe so. 318 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,280 Certainly there's no record of that happening. 319 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,760 Can we be sure? 320 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,080 You know, he might not have signed it. He was quite modest, wasn't he? 321 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:39,360 He... Well, he was modest in parts. He did also say he was the son of God. 322 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,680 - Yeah. He could have kept that quiet. - Then he wouldn't have been killed. 323 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,040 Yeah. What an idiot. 324 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,800 Of course, Jesus wasn't the only deity to inspire art. 325 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,200 There are lots of paintings of Muhammad too. 326 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,240 But our producer had to sign a form, promising not to show them. 327 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,360 By the 11th century, most European countries had converted to Christianity, 328 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,960 but it didn't stop them constantly going to war with each other. 329 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:08,240 Then in 1095, Pope Urban II persuaded them to stop fighting, 330 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,840 come together in harmony and attack the Muslims instead. 331 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,720 The European kings agreed and launched a sort of armed charity drive 332 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,040 to forcibly provide the Islamic world with crucifixes. 333 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,160 They called it "cruce-aid." 334 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,480 Soon, armies from Europe headed east, 335 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,800 hoping to dish out a righteous international kicking. 336 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:34,840 So, during the Crusades, the crusaders went all the way to Jerusalem in armor. 337 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,640 That sounds really uncomfortable. Was it sponsored? 338 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,960 It was sponsored by the church, you could say. 339 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,160 - Yeah. - Um... 340 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,280 Because these expeditions had to be funded. 341 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:46,240 Yeah. 342 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:51,240 My mate Paul did a 30-mile sponsored walk to Harrogate dressed as Spider-Man 343 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:52,760 for Help for Heroes. 344 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:57,280 And on the day he had terrible diarrhea, but he soldiered on. 345 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:02,440 And it was one of the most noble but disgusting things I've ever seen. 346 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,160 Eventually, the organizers had to intervene, 347 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,320 but he raised £368. 348 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,520 You know, the Crusaders never did that, did they? 349 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,600 No. 350 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,280 In 1099, the Christians captured Jerusalem, 351 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,680 but then they made a tactical mistake. 352 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,600 They went home without it. 353 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,160 So the Muslims, under their leader Saladin, 354 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,960 crusaded right back, retaking Jerusalem in the process. 355 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,320 By now, everyone was really into the Crusades. 356 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,520 So they started holding them regularly, fighting back and forth 357 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,920 to see which side would win Jerusalem this year. 358 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,360 The Crusades sound very violent. 359 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:44,720 Why can't the religions all learn to live together in peace like they do in Ireland? 360 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,440 I think if you find someone who knows the answer to that question, 361 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,360 then you should definitely, um, 362 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,920 publicize it as soon as possible. 363 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,480 Right, yeah. Okay. 364 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,600 But while Christians and Muslims came to blows, 365 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,960 one man miles away decided he'd show them what proper warmongering looked like. 366 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,680 That man was the leader of the Mongols, Genghis Khan. 367 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:12,160 In Mongol, "khan" means king, and "Genghis" means... something else. 368 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,920 These days, Genghis Khan comes up in conversation 369 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,600 less often than Dennis Quaid, 370 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,800 but back then he was the most feared man on Earth. 371 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,200 Genghis and his Mongols went Mongoling free 372 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,600 across much of Europe and Asia. 373 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,920 Millions of thousands of people were mercilessly slaughtered. 374 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,920 Many of them got their heads chopped off. 375 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,120 Others had their legs hacked off first, then an arm or something. 376 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,760 Then maybe their face, which was probably still screaming as it flew across the hut, 377 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,200 or wherever they lived. 378 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,480 Then the invaders might have taken the carcasses and hacked them up 379 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,000 and boiled them into soup 380 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:51,000 and carved all the discarded pelvis bones into big ladles to drink it with, 381 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,800 and then sat around the fireplace slurping their gory soup 382 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,680 and laughing and blowing off. 383 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,080 Honestly, it was seriously out of order. 384 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,200 How much blood in terms of pints 385 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,000 was spilt because of Genghis Khan? 386 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,240 Well, you'd have to somehow know the number of people killed. 387 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,320 Right. 388 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:16,240 There were stories of a few hundred Mongol soldiers 389 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:19,560 dispatching perhaps up to a million people. 390 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,720 How many pints are in a person? 391 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,240 - I think eight. - So minimum eight million pints. 392 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,320 Yes. 393 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,800 And they didn't have blood banks back then, did they? 394 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,280 What a waste. 395 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,360 With all that going on on the doorstep, 396 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:38,400 is it any wonder people in Europe took to building fortified homes? 397 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,360 The answer is no. 398 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,040 Standing here now in whatever castle this is, 399 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:50,560 I can't help but wonder what life must have been like in medieval times. 400 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:55,400 Because medieval times aren't happening anymore, so wondering is my only option. 401 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,320 But just imagine it. 402 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,000 Here in the central atrium, the table's laid out for a feast. 403 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,880 People are bashing tankards together and laughing. 404 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:10,080 The table is bedecked with haunches of venison, blackbird pie, 405 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,720 roast goose inside a pig, 406 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,520 the full works, little bowl of plums there. 407 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:16,920 Think that's a side dish. 408 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,680 Over here, peasants are toing and froing in their finery. 409 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,160 A knight clanking by in his armor. 410 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:29,360 In this corner, someone's playing medieval flute music. 411 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,920 And in front of that, a jester jumping up and down in his little bells. 412 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,560 There's a big sort of ogre thing watching... 413 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,440 enjoying the sight of that. 414 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,560 Then up at this end, the king sitting on his throne next to the queen, 415 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,480 a bishop and a rook. 416 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,080 They're watching Merlin getting his head chopped off, 417 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,800 which rolls all the way across the floor to there, 418 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,920 where some wild boar gobble it up. 419 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,520 Oh! Eww! 420 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,080 That is disgusting. You're lucky you can't see that. 421 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:08,200 Suddenly the gaiety is interrupted when the glass in a window shatters 422 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,480 and an arrow flies into the room. 423 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,280 It thuds into this wall, 424 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:14,840 right in the middle of the Bayeux Tapestry. 425 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,520 Gasps ring out and give way to whispers, 426 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,800 as Thomas à Becket, that's me, pulls the arrow from the wall. 427 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,240 Hold on. 428 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,320 Christ. 429 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,800 The arrow has a message on it. 430 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,600 Thomas carefully takes the message off, discards the arrow... 431 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,480 - Oh, fuck! - Sorry. 432 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,640 unfurls the message and reads it aloud. 433 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,520 It's from Robin Hood. 434 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,440 Threatening revenge on the entire Round Table for what they did to Gandalf. 435 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,760 Another gasp. The jester faints. 436 00:25:55,840 --> 00:26:00,240 Worried murmurs fill the air and get louder and turn to screams. 437 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:01,800 It's chaos. 438 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,760 The flute goes mental. 439 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,840 A dancing bear howls in anguish. 440 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,440 Someone starts loading pigs into a catapult. 441 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,720 A space invader floats across the room 442 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,600 shitting a harpsichord made of glass horses onto the floor. 443 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,320 Finally, up at this end, 444 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,800 the king stands up, bashing his gavel. 445 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,600 He shouts, "Order! Order!" 446 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,040 But in a deep man's voice with a medieval accent. 447 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,280 The castle falls silent. 448 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,280 You can hear a pin drop... 449 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,480 but not literally. 450 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,680 "Off with his head!" shouts the king. 451 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:43,360 And that breaks the ice. Everything's okay again. 452 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,440 The jester's back up on his feet. The music's up and running. 453 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,360 Everyone's merrily knocking back the mead. 454 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,640 Life in the castle is back to normal. 455 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,920 Just in time for everyone to suddenly drop dead from plague. 456 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,440 Anyway, that's what life was like in my castle. 457 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,960 Have you ever really thought about yours? 458 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,120 But humans couldn't simply cower behind thick walls 459 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,960 while holy wars waged outside forever. 460 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:18,080 Religion was supposed to unite humankind in harmony and bland smiling. 461 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:22,320 But it had mainly succeeded in tearing it apart like a bear in a maternity ward. 462 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:26,520 But little did this church and others like it know that a challenger 463 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,560 was just around the corner. 464 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,960 Next time, we'll see how a new generation of artists and brainiacs arose 465 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,120 and challenged God to a fight 466 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,920 during what historians are already calling the Renaissance. 467 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,200 So is this painting actually good 468 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,120 or is it one of those things that we only think is good 469 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,920 because we're told it's good, like seafood?