Oh, my God.
I’ve been getting all these TikTok algorithms
about where to put your couch in your house.
What if you just put your couch at, like, a slight angle?
That way you can watch TV at, like, a slight angle.
Every single one of these essays is so bad.
This is the, like, Red Badge of Courage midterm paper thing?
Red Badge of Courage garbage paper, I guess. It’s, like--
I-I don’t know how these kids didn’t get this book. It’s so simple.
Like, a young kid goes off to war. Cowardice, honor.
This essay just starts with the word "hey."
"Hey, The Red Badge of Courage is a book about courage."
Hey, that sounds bad.
I’m a kind, patient teacher. Maybe I’ve been too lenient.
You know what? Honestly, I bet they didn’t even read the book.
- They probably used Biff Notes. - What’s Biff Notes?
- That’s like CliffsNotes? - He’s, like, a TikTok book guy.
He summarizes, like, high school books.
[clears throat] I don’t think I’ve seen him.
He’s a queer guy, queer guy.
Think I know who he is ’cause he’s queer?
He did a dance with Penn Jillette, and Teller wasn’t there.
They just think they’re gonna, like, get away with this
because I’m gonna try to keep the peace and give them good grades or something.
[stammers] I’m not gonna do that.
They wanted a war, they’re gonna get a war.
- Don’t ask, don’t tell. - Gwen.
Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. That was, like, the first war thing I thought of.
What do you think of the couch?
You moved that?
Here you go.
- Here you go. - Yo, an F? What is this?
I didn’t know this was a grade you could still give out.
- You didn’t? - Are you being deadass right now?
With all due respect.
You realize this is, like, a fourth of our grade right here?
- Exactly. - You can’t do this.
What do you mean I can’t do this? I didn’t do this. You did this.
- This is your grade that you got. - Whatever.
I gave you guys a month to read this book.
Mr. Marquez, your feelings are valid.
We’ve all learned our lesson here, and now you can give us B’s.
B’s are good grades. You didn’t earn good grades.
I am the teacher. This is not up for discussion, and that’s the end of this.
I’m posting ads on Backpage, because with grades like this,
I’m gonna have to hit the corner, sir.
You’re my hero right now. Seriously.
- I’ve always wanted to fail a student. - Yeah.
It’s, like, impossible to fail someone in PE.
They earned F’s, so they get F’s.
- Good for them. - [laughs]
Dude, you’re like George Clooney doing funny-ass pranks on these kids.
It’s not a prank. They’re real grades that I’m giving the kids.
Wait, George Clooney does pranks?
I gotta help these kids get into college.
So, if you’re giving them F’s, that can honestly be the difference
between them getting into a shitty college and a super shitty college.
Then get them to do the work to get into a good college, Rick.
Okay, you’re being fucking crazy right now.
I’m just really glad I don’t have to deal with any of this
’cause all of my students are well above average.
- All of them? - [Gwen] Mm-hmm.
It’s impossible for all your students to be well above average.
Some of your students must be average.
Well, I’m just a good teacher.
Why would it-- I’m... I’m confused. What are you saying?
I think some of your students are cheating.
No one’s ever cheated in my class.
They’re not cheating or they’re not getting caught?
Let me tell you something. People cheat all the time.
- [Gwen] They’re not cheating. - Cheating is trying. It’s okay.
- [Grant] Evan, come now. - What?
- Come, come. Come. - What? What? I’m eating.
Yeah, you’re done.
Why am I getting calls from parents telling me
you failed a bunch of kids in your 11th-grade English class?
Because I failed a bunch of kids in my 11th-grade English class.
- I’m gonna die. - They deserve these grades, Grant.
- Look at this. - [Grant] Mm-hmm.
- Read that. -"As an AI language model,
I am not able to complete this request."
Why is he not able to complete this request?
It means ChatGPT wrote it.
- Is that not allowed? It’s the future. - Look at this one.
[sighs] Okay. "So, that’s what’s up with The Red Badge of Courage."
And then he underlines it, and he puts the cool guy with sunglasses emoji.
- It’s a clear point of view. - This is crazy.
All right. Evan, do you remember the mom, Linda Harrison,
who complained about you kissing Malcolm in front of her son?
- Remember that? - Yes, of course I remember Linda Harrison.
She tried to have me fired for the sin of kissing a man.
Well, you just failed her younger son.
- Oh, shit. - Mm-hmm. It took her all of 11 seconds
after your class let out to call my office directly and demand a meeting with you.
- I’m not meeting with her. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If you refuse to meet with her, you will be fired.
- That’s not fair. - It’s not.
But if you don’t placate this woman, then I will be fired.
And a new principal will be hired,
hand-selected by Linda Harrison and her obedient followers.
And then... And then do you think that a new person sitting in this chair
will indulge your-your-your noble principled bullshit?
Who’s running the school, Grant? Is it us or is it them?
Them. Them. Her. Her.
Hell hath no wrath like a concerned parent, Evan.
Do you have any idea how much sway she has?
Sway? What do you mean sway? This is a public school.
- What? Is she funding the government? - Boosters, Evan.
She and her husband, Dale, they’re massive boosters, okay?
Their restaurant donates a ... [mouths] ...-load of money to this school.
Well, listen. Tell her thank you for the concern.
I really appreciate her feelings
- about how I run my class. - You’re meeting with her.
Evan, don’t even mess around. You are meeting with her tonight.
If there’s one thing I’m not doing today, it is...
- We have a reservation for Linda Harrison. - I can make women love me.
- Cash only? Look at this. Cash only. - [Linda] Yoo-hoo.
Oh, I don’t have any cash.
- Look what the cat dragged in. - Wow.
You must be Mr. Evan Marquez.
- Linda Harrison. Nice to meet you. - Linda Harrison. That’s right.
- And you are Miss... - Gwen. I’m his best friend.
I’m Ms. Sanders.
- You’re Ms. Sanders. - Yes.
- Blake speaks so highly of you. - Oh!
He didn’t tell me about that head of hair.
Thank you. [chuckles] And I like your head as well.
[Linda] Thank you so much. And I like that little hair you have there.
All right, y’all, get on in there.
- We got you at a VIP table. - [Evan] Okay.
Dana, stand up straight. You look like a shepherd’s hook.
Winston! Now, I don’t care where those nuggets are headed.
You bring ’em on back over here. That’s what we call a reroute.
- [chuckles] - Chicken nuggets as an appetizer.
- That’s genius. - They’re actually steak nuggets.
I invented ’em.
And we’re into the patent process right now with the lawyers.
Dale’s getting into it with ’em. You know how that is.
- Yeah. Yeah. - We don’t know that.
- We’ve seen Shark Tank. - Yeah.
- Oh, shit. These are good. - You wanted to talk, Linda?
Yes. Let’s chat about that as soon as we get some Sprites.
Winston, honey, I’m gonna reel you back on in over here. Come on, my little trout.
- Can we get three Sprites? - Absolutely.
- Now. - Yeah.
- Is he the only waiter here? - No, but he’s my favorite.
We put double syrup in the Sprites.
I didn’t ask y’all what you wanted to drink because nobody gets out of here
without trying my double Sprite.
- Another invention? - It is.
- [guffaws] It is. - This is crazy. I love Sprite.
[laughs] You know, Dale calls me Willy Wonka with a boob job.
I said, "Dale, don’t you go around here
telling everybody I have a boob job." [laughs]
I have considered...
Don’t. Gwendolyn, do not.
I am afraid every time I fly.
- So you wanted to talk about-- - Oh, Lord.
You’re all such good company, I just about forgot.
Okay, so, Mr. Marquez, the grades.
Like, what are we thinking here?
Uh, we are thinking
that the grades should accurately reflect the work.
Mm-hmm. Lord, I hear that.
I’m just thinking,
can’t we change ’em? [laughs]
Just like a little bit. Like, just one time, just a little boost.
What do you think, Gwen?
Well, you can ’cause you are the teacher, like...
Or no.
- He could but he won’t. - This feels like mixed signals.
Linda, are the grades really what this is about?
- Yes, why? - There’s not another thing?
Like what?
What happened in the fall.
You were having me investigated for kissing my boyfriend
- in front of a group of students. - Oh, honey, water, bridge, you, me.
Okay? I do not care that you’re gay.
I don’t care one bit that you’re gay.
As long as you don’t care that I sneak a little drop of gin into my double Sprite
at lunch. [laughs]
- We both got our little things. - Yeah.
Regardless, I will have to stand firm in the grades as they are.
I’m an educator, and it’s my duty to give accurate grades.
[chuckles]
Well, shoot. [laughs]
I admit I wanted us to see eye to eye on this.
I can tell we don’t.
- And we can just move on, honey. - Really?
As a business owner, I gotta do what I gotta do to stay within my integrity,
and you gotta do the same as a teacher.
And I respect it.
Wow. Okay.
It shows strength. It shows courage.
- [Gwen] I agree. - Thank you.
- This has been nice. - [Gwen] Yeah.
I thought this was gonna be more of a problem.
- It’s a little scary. - Everything’s on la casa.
- I have to excuse myself. - Oh, you’re leaving us?
Chef Gary is really on one.
For the specials tonight, let me tell you what.
He wants to put a duck burger on a butter pretzel bun,
and I think he’s crazy.
Although, so crazy it just might work.
- All right, bye. - [Gwen chuckles]
I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her walk away.
Gwendolyn.
- [bell rings] - [door opens]
Sorry I’m late, guys.
I just had this whole thing happen with my car insurance,
and they were not taking my payment because it was a credit card--
Yoo-hoo, visitor alert.
Hey, Mr. Marquez.
He’s uninsured. Let’s write that down.
What are you doing here, Linda? I thought we moved on from this.
Oh, we have. We’ve moved on to the next level of sorting this problem out.
The next level?
Okay. Well, I don’t know if you know this,
you’re not allowed to just be in my classroom.
You have to have my permission to observe my class.
I actually do know that, which is why I went over your head
and got authorization from the school board.
[whispering] Mom, stop. This is embarrassing.
- Blake, tuck in your Billabong shirt. - [students laughing]
All the way around, sir.
Everyone, eyes on me.
This is Dr. Doug. He is a teaching expert, okay?
And he and I are gonna be just observing class today.
So, drink a glass of act right, you know what I mean?
[chuckles] I’m just kidding. Be yourselves.
I’ll be right back.
Dramatically exits. Let’s write that down.
There’s power up here. I can definitely jerry-rig a little camera for ya.
Good, ’cause I wanna prove to you they’re not cheating.
Put the cameras wherever you want. Can you put them back there?
Yeah, it’s a drop ceiling. It’s a whole world up there.
- Huh. - I don’t know. I get a couple cameras.
We’ll get the footage and watch it together over drinks?
We could--
What?
Linda is in my class.
- [screams] - No, no, no, it’s not good.
That whole thing where she was being nice and friendly last night,
- that was a front. - Oh, my God.
And now she brought a teaching expert to class
to observe me and try to take me down or something.
- She’s a bitch. Always been. - What?
Yeah. Can you come and sit in? I need manpower.
- It’s your free period, right? - Yes. What?
- Can I come? - I only needed Gwen,
- but sure, more is better. - Yes, buddy. [grunts]
Oh, my God.
You should check out Michigan State.
They got bomb pad thai.
You probably can’t get in there ’cause your grades are bunk. [laughs]
- But, yo-- - Rick, come sit in Evan’s class with us.
Oh, I’m there. Hell yeah.
You like skinny noodle or thick noodle? Huh?
Michigan State’s got both.
Get it 360, everything, like, IMAX almost.
What is he doing? Can you please put that iPad down?
You’re not allowed to take pictures in here, okay?
He is documenting. We are just observing. It’s gonna be like we’re not here, honey.
I went ahead and gathered some other board-certified teachers
to observe this observation.
Oh. [laughs] It’s good you have the gym teacher here.
- Hey, Markie. - Linda.
- Looking all like a Shrek today. - [shutter clicks]
- [Markie] It’s Shrek. There’s only one. - Uh, stunning.
- Hey, Gwen. - Shut up.
- Okay. - Now that we have six adults in here,
let’s continue our somewhat tumultuous journey through
- The Red Badge of Courage. - Didn’t we already write those essays?
Yes. But since that didn’t quite work, we’re gonna stay with that book
until the information has been effectively communicated.
Aren’t we getting behind on the state curriculum here?
Shouldn’t we be moving on to To Kill a Mockingbird?
- Doug, shut up. - Lot of questions for a doctor.
Markie, do you even have a master’s? What did you major in? Ranch?
I’m sorry. I thought you were just observing.
- Easily distracted. Write that down. - What are you writing?
Are you writing this in wingdings?
- What is that? - Stop it.
How about this? I’m ordering you to leave, okay?
Observation over.
Actually my parents’ rights state that I can be here, so I will be remaining.
- That doesn’t exist. - You’re out of order.
This whole... This whole classroom is out of order.
- Linda, this isn’t a courtroom. - I object.
I don’t know what is going on, and why will he not stop typing?
- I’ll take care of this. - OOO for "Out of Order."
- Who wants an iPad? - Gwen.
- Just keep teaching, Evan. - So, The Red Badge of Courage--
And she’s what? She’s allowed to bring this teaching expert
into my classroom without asking?
Technically, no. But in a world where I want to keep my job, yes.
She’s probably just gathering evidence.
Gathering evidence for what, Grant?
For the parents-faculty town hall meeting she called for tonight.
- She called a town hall meeting? - Yes.
- She’s allowed to do that? - Technically, no. But in a world where--
You knew about this? What... Why wouldn’t you tell me?
Because I was hoping she wouldn’t gather any evidence.
Evan, look, if we don’t make it through this,
I wanna say it’s been an honor and a privilege serving with you.
Oh, shut up.
My associates are handing out the findings from today in the classroom.
That’s gonna be Dr. Doug. Y’all know Winston.
Tell him not to hide his light under a bushel.
You let it shine, Winston.
- You’re gonna let this happen to me? - Shh.
I think perhaps what is most stark about our findings today
is that Mr. Marquez is unable to even teach his class
without the assistance of several other teachers present.
I mean, does the state have funding for such an extensive support system?
Linda, you brought a teaching expert to my class.
- [Grant] Mr. Marquez. - And you came to my class unannounced.
- Okay? I needed backup. - Mr. Marquez, Mrs. Harrison has the floor.
Thank you, Grant.
Everybody just open to page four. Let’s all do it together.
She used to be so sweet. Like, I don’t even know who this woman is.
These booklets are really well made.
- Where’d they get this picture of you? - Oh, my God.
- You’re built like a baby seal. - I told you to post that.
I have to listen to this.
’Cause whether this requires an adjustment or,
honey, God forbid, a removal,
that’s something we need to talk about.
She said removal?
[sighs]
I think everybody’s with me here when I say we want our children
- to thrive and to learn. - [parents] Amen.
- Let me hear it one more time in the back. - Amen.
What we don’t want is our children subjected to things
that we have not agreed to.
- Am I right? - Yes.
Like receiving failing grades on passing work. Can I get an amen?
I’m so sorry. I don’t wanna be dramatic,
but this woman has a personal vendetta against me.
I’m not the only one who’s been affected by Mr. Marquez’s actions.
I’d like to bring to speak a beautiful, incredible and talented
Latina single mother, Luisa.
- Come on, Luisa. - [mic feedback]
Actually, I’m not single. I am married for nine years.
Congratulations.
My son was on the football team.
And then he got an F, and now they say that he can’t play anymore.
Heh! That’s his future!
We are angry, Mr. Marquez.
[speaking Spanish]
Hey, Siri, open Google Translate.
[continues speaking Spanish]
[speaking Spanish]
[in English] I’ma call a cállate!
Y’all know Dr. Doug can’t even write that down.
Now, that was beautiful and cultural.
- Okay? And I thank you, Luisa. - She’s using my own people against me.
And that goes to show that I’m not the only one
affected by Mr. Marquez’s actions. And--
Excuse me, sorry. Please, Linda, if you don’t mind.
- Oh, my God. - I’m sorry,
but there is a more pressing matter.
- Oh, here we go. - We all need to be aware
- that our kids are playing a new sex game. - [parents gasping, murmuring]
When I say the phrase "reverse glory hole,"
- what do you picture? - [parents] Oh.
Okay. All right. And... And that does sound terrifying.
Earmark the, uh, reverse glory hole. Just write that down.
Gonna deal with that later. We’ll keep an eye on it.
I would really love the opportunity to speak now since this is all about me.
I got one more reminder before I sit down. I’m gonna quit taking y’all’s time.
Y’all get some food real quick.
- We got Winston on the carving station! - [parents cheering]
We got two chocolate fountains.
And we have a boatload of my favorite and yours,
- steak nuggets. [laughs] - [crowd cheering]
Dig in, y’all!
I was hoping that was for us.
I can just drill a peephole right here in the desk,
and they take the exam, you drop your keys, catch them in the act.
How you doing over there?
I’m not good, you know?
This woman, it’s like I close my eyes, and she’s all I can see.
And she’s staring at me with her blonde updo.
I feel like the town hall went fine.
It wasn’t fine, Gwen. You know it didn’t go fine.
They were acting like they were gonna carry me out of town on a pitchfork
like a big steak nugget.
But they got distracted by the food in the end.
I don’t think they’ll remember what happened.
It’s just everyone’s on her side.
I’m not gonna win this. I can’t win this.
Are you giving up? Evan Marquez giving up?
We have her right where we want her, man.
How?
Do you ever wonder why her restaurants are all cash-only?
All right, let’s go right in the cleavage. There we go.
This is just so crazy to wear a wire.
It’s your only way out of this buddy, seriously.
[Evan] Okay. Explain the tax fraud thing to me again
’cause I only get about 40% of any conversation about money.
All right. It’s simple but complicated at the same time, right?
Biggest restaurant in Austin,
arguably the fanciest.
Cash only.
Why do you think that is?
It’s obvious they’re skimming right off the top.
Cooking the books, okay?
And their cover is that they donate to the school.
It throws the IRS off the scent.
It’s fraud. It’s bad.
It just sounds like such a conspiracy theory.
I know, right? But all conspiracy theories are 90% true.
[Evan whispers] You got this, Evan.
[dogs barking]
[Linda] Come on in, Mr. Marquez.
- Hey. - [barking continues]
Oh, my Lord. Y’all hush.
- Hush, I said! - [Evan] Thanks so much
for agreeing to meet.
Hey! Brad, Steven, you’re about to lose your privileges.
So many nice... [clears throat] ...dogs.
Lord have mercy. ’Bout to drive me to drink!
This is a very, very beautiful house.
The recession was very good to us. Wasn’t it, Kevin?
Sorry, is there a way to...
I just wanted to be able to hear what you were saying.
I can hear you just fine. You said you wanted a few minutes of my time.
- [clears throat] Floor’s yours. - Yes.
Uh, I was gonna say your restaurant-- The-The cash-only thing--
You know what? There’s a wild pheasant down by the fence line.
That’s what’s making these dogs nuts.
- Come with me. I gotta do something. - [magazine loads]
- Oh, my God. - [barking continues]
So that is just sitting there. Okay.
- Ah! - Damn. That fucker can move.
You ever dealt with pheasant?
So hard to kill, and they don’t even taste good.
Yeah. Pheasant is definitely one of my least favorite meats.
You know, speaking of meat, your restaurant was amazing.
I thought it was so good, and I...
I thought it was cute how you guys did that cash-only thing.
I was, like, okay,
why would someone do a cash-only thing?
Mr. Marquez, let’s just cut to the chase.
I know you’re here to grovel for your job.
If you can just change those grades, you won’t have to.
Yeah. I-I hear that.
College is real important to our family.
Blake’s GPA is right on the cusp
of dropping him to a lower level of potential universities. [sighs]
We need him in a good college like his older brother.
His older brother, your gay son.
[chuckles]
My son.
Part of me wants to ask if you still think
that just by being his out gay teacher, I turned him gay,
but I would hope you’re evolved enough by now to realize that’s not possible.
Well, I certainly think he was encouraged.
[grunts]
[sighs] Anyway, he is thriving at school. [sniffles]
Do you talk to him at all?
Of course I talk to him. He’s my son, and I love him.
And... despite what you think I think about his preferences,
I love him no matter what,
and as long as he keeps it out of Austin, it’s fine by me.
Why would he need to keep it out of Austin?
Austin’s a perfectly gay-friendly place.
Not the circles I run in. They don’t understand.
So I’m not gonna have my life turned upside down
because of something like that.
You have a secret.
A woman like me has many secrets.
No, I mean, you have a secret.
Like, the fact that your son is gay is a secret for you.
Like, you’re scared if you told the people in your life this that
they would kick you out of your whole social structure.
Well, exactly. So you do understand.
Yeah, I do. I just...
I wonder if you realize that’s exactly how your son feels.
He feels like he has this thing about him that if he told the wrong people
would get him kicked out of his life, right?
And that’s how you’re feeling. And that’s how I felt growing up.
So we’re all feeling the same thing.
See what I’m saying?
Wow, you really healed me. Thanks.
- [sighs, laughs] - [water splashes]
I got him.
Oh, right between his beady little eyes.
Um, why don’t you just... let him redo the essay?
You don’t have to change the grades.
And then whichever one is better, you count that one.
Yeah, that’s reasonable.
Great.
You know, it’s a good thing that you were recording that whole conversation,
and now you can just go back and listen to that speech you gave whenever you want.
And, guys, before I wrap up class, I wanted to say
I’m gonna give you all a redo on your Red Badge of Courage essays
to try to get a better grade.
I believe in second chances, so, congratulations.
Ah! Oh!
Oh, my God!
[coughing]
[coughing, groans]
Sorry. [chuckles] God, I got turned around up there.
Were you trying to catch your students cheating?
Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t catch any of them cheating.
Basically, all the kids are just watching Snapchat.
That’s what I figured out.
I gotta get out of here.
Class dismissed.
- [students chattering] - [grunting] Come on.
- [Gwen grunts] - I’ll get you. Okay.
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ Like no one else ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ She drives me crazy And I can’t help myself ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
[music continues]
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ Like no one else ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
♪ And I can’t help myself ♪