What is wrong with you?
No!
My mom is gonna think I'm a failure!
The seniors, they're losing their minds much more than usual this year,
- don't you think? - College applications are due on Friday.
That's two days left, Evan.
But yes, yes, you're right, it's much worse than usual.
Let's… In here.
Yes, last name— Would you close it? Close it. Yep, last name Baines.
Plays clarinet like a fucking genius, volunteers with animals.
Wait, no, even better, old people.
See, it's a stressful time for Rick, for the students,
so it's best to go easy on everybody. Just two more days.
This whole college admissions process has gotten so intense.
I feel like I can't give my seniors any actual work.
- Do not give them work. - Why would you give them work?
I'm not sweating shit, Bill.
If you don't want these kids, I got Emory and UVA dying to take them off my hands.
- Is this how admission works? - We're very lucky to have Rick.
This is where he shines.
Fucker called my bluff.
Carol, get me Virginia Tech on line two and a couple of aspirin!
- Who's Carol? My assistant.
- I got a sophomore running errands for me. - I can't hear this.
All right, guys, thoughts on the reading?
No. - No thoughts?
We all too stressed with these college applications?
I am spread thin, Mr. Marquez.
I close my eyes and all I can see are application forms, essays to write.
Nothing but my whole dang future on the line.
What about you two? You're not applying to school until next year, right?
I choose to withhold my thoughts out of respect for my elders here.
- Aw. - I mean, look at these raggedy bitches.
- Who is that? Look, you guys are gonna be fine.
The-These schools, they want well-rounded kids from diverse backgrounds.
But they got rid of affirmative action.
Can't check that box anymore.
Yeah, that is messed up actually.
I don't really plan on going to college 'cause that's for suckers,
but if I were y'all, I think I'd be pissed too.
It's so stupid that they got rid of affirmative action.
Don't people realize that that's part of what makes university so great?
Diversity of thought, diversity of perspective.
I don't see color. I live in a post-racial America.
Becca, you were reading a book about eugenics yesterday.
- I thought that said Eugene. - Eugene Hackman. RIP.
I think what you guys should do is in your essays find subtle ways
to hint at diversity, right?
Like, if I was gonna write one right now, I'd be like, "Oh, in my house growing up,
we ate Colombian food all the time, but for us it was just food."
- Hmm. How do you spell Colombian? - Jeff, no, you can't use that.
So in my essay, I should say that I'm Mexican?
Yeah. Yes. I think so, yes.
Even though these schools, like, can't do this on a "technical" level anymore.
They-They still care about your lived experience.
They care about the uniqueness of who you are,
and you can express that through your essays, right?
Diversity is obviously important.
- That is not a controversial thing to say. Agreed.
I love those diverse reboots, like when they rebooted the NBA with all women.
I'm so glad I don't have to see your ass again after graduation.
Wake Forest, you fucked me last year. Not gonna let that happen again.
- That smells better. Fucking put me on hold again.
Gwen. - What?
- I need your help today, big time. - What do you need?
Bob Ruby, the football recruiter from Tech.
He's coming today to scout Bradley Phillips.
Whoa. That's a big deal.
A lot of D1 schools drooling over this kid, but Tech is his best shot.
Hundred percent. He could be the next Patrick Mahomes. That's a quarterback.
Wow. Bradley Phillips is the sweetest kid, and he's tall.
- That kid is so tall. He's so tall. - That kid's a stud.
He also is the best prospect this school has had in 20 years,
and he has a cannon for an arm, okay?
I don't think sweet has anything to do with it.
No, I just mean that he's very emotionally available.
You mean he cries a lot.
- Yes. Yeah.
He cries a lot.
If he's crying a lot, I'll send him to liberal arts school.
- I got a lot of openings. - Gwen, this is a problem.
It's a high pressure situation.
I cannot sell a quarterback that cries, Gwen.
Especially with the stress of all these college admissions.
If he loses it in front of Bob Ruby today, his chances are done.
- It's over. - Shoot, that's so much pressure.
What am I supposed to do? I'm not, like, his mom.
Calm him down. You're Gwen.
The studies show that redheads have a natural de-stressing effect.
That's why Wendy's is so popular.
Where are you finding these studies?
You're wait-listing Liana? Are you joking me?
I feel like part of the reason that college admissions
has gotten so stressful is because they got rid of this affirmative action thing
and set the country back, like, 80 years.
They only did that to, like, simplify the admissions process.
Markie, what's simple is that this whole system
tilts strongly in favor of white rich people.
I love rich white people.
And affirmative action was one small way of leveling the playing field.
Can we talk about anything else? Like the fact that my dad
is literally being closed in on by the IRS.
For what? For having a Patreon about lawn mowing?
Evan, I actually see your point here, man.
Like, the way you're always banging the DEI drum. I get it, man.
I'd do the same thing if it got me this job.
- Wow, very funny, Markie. Very funny. - I ain't joking.
Wait, you're legitimately suggesting that I was a diversity hire?
No, I mean, it's just, like, a rumor I heard.
- Yo, Grant, big dog. - Is there something you need, Evan?
Nah, I'm just… I mean, I was bored.
I was, like, having the new soup at lunch.
Have you tried that? I think it's a split pea, is that right?
Are you asking me if it's a split pea?
What's going on, Evan?
You know what I've never asked that's so random?
Is like, was I a DEI hire?
Oh, my God.
- I'm a diversity hire? - Please, I can't comment on this.
- You didn't ever tell me this? What does it matter, Evan?
It happened all those years ago. I mean, I can't remember what happened years ago.
It was pre-COVID. Everything pre-COVID, it's-it's just all gone up here. My hair—
You were hiding this from me because you knew it was embarrassing?
This is interesting. I thought you were explicitly in favor of these programs.
Of course I'm in favor of DEI. I'm just saying this is me, this is my career.
This is different. I… I'm worried for the state of the school if you're not
even taking into account someone's teaching ability when you hire them.
Really, you're worried about the school? Not just a little bit about your own ego?
- I'm allowed to have feelings about this. - All right. Okay. Okay.
You are a great teacher regardless of how you got here.
- Which one was it? - Which one was what?
Gay or Latino, which quota was I hired to fill?
Honestly, the gay thing has proven to be a little tricky,
so take that for what you will.
You gotta see him air it out, Bob. You gotta see this. Bradley!
Let's go deep.
Huh.
It's all right. Regroup. It's all good, son.
- It only affects the rest of his life. - I'm so sorry.
Oh. - Is he all right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's fine.
Right, Gwen?
I think he's just thirsty. Hold on, let me just give…
Uh, I-I gotta give him some water.
He's a natural competitor.
He really carries the weight of the team.
He's not a crier, is he?
- No, no, no. - Is he a goddamn crier?
No, those are tears of rage.
Oh.
I just got a text from my new wife.
- Hmm.
I'm so fucking in love.
You don't need to cry. It's just a fun, silly game.
I thought my future depended on it?
Uh, yeah, it sort of does, yeah.
But— No, no, no.
You know what? Bob Ruby thinks you're so great.
- Really? - Yeah, so throw that ball, okay?
I'm getting horribly sunburned.
You got it, Miss Sanders.
There it is. There it is. Oh! Oh!
There it is. - Wow. Wow.
You've done a damn fine job with that young man.
Thank you.
I got no kids of my own, so I treat all my players like they're my sons.
You a fellow vasectomy victim?
No, low sperm count, which I inherited ironically.
Ain't that amazing? - Yeah, it was great.
I'm gonna call the head honcho, tell him we got a live one down here in Morrison.
We should talk later, Markie, the two of us.
- Okay. - You help us get this kid on our team,
there might just be a spot on the coaching staff for you.
Did he just offer you a job?
Yeah, that just happened. Wow. That just happened.
"Me and my abuela would gather around the TV with a bowl of totopos
and watch American Dad! or as we called it El Padre Americano."
"I could see firsthand through her love of Roger the alien
that mi abuela no longer felt like an illegal alien."
- That's good, Pablo. Loved it.
Okay, that's fire. So good, man.
So cultural.
But maybe you can lean away from this Mexican stuff in the next draft.
- What the hell are you talking about? - What did he say?
No, I'm saying don't you want to get into college based
on your own merits, not on the country that your abuelita's from.
But yesterday didn't you just tell him to include that he was Mexican in the essay?
I'm just saying these essays should focus on the content
of your character, not on your external identity.
Okay, this is literally the opposite of what you were saying yesterday.
- You're so fake, Mr. Marquez. - You can't do this. You can't switch up.
- I'm not switching up. - I get it, brother. You're MAGA now.
No, I'm not. I just… I-I-I don't want you guys
to end up feeling like charity cases, okay?
That's not gonna feel good either, trust me.
So it's charity when people of color get into college?
I'm-I'm talking about how smart you are.
I'm talking about you-you… you believing in yourself.
You don't… You don't wanna show up somewhere and be like,
"Did I really get this job?"
Okay, but what if I'm a legacy?
Like, I can't help that my dad got into Arizona State.
Legacy is just as bad.
It's-It's just another way to not actually earn your spot.
But if you're dumb, you low-key have no other option.
Yeah, it's true.
All right. Well, guess what?
I'm here out of the kindness of my heart to help you
guys with these essays because I'm a teacher that goes above and beyond.
So if you don't want my advice, I'm out of here.
Wait. Wait. - Come on, Mr. Marquez,
don't act like that.
Dude, do you feel like we don't appreciate you?
You're the best gay Latino teacher I've ever had.
- Oh, God, Jeff. - Latin temper like mi abuela.
Miss Sanders? - Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, of course.
I always have time for the next, uh…
God, I want to say O.J. Simpson,
that's the only football player that I know. So…
- Mm-hmm. - What's up? Okay. Oh, my God.
Bradley, you can let it out. You can cry here.
Don't— Oh. Yep, don't hold it in. Don't hold it in.
There's a lot of pressure on you right now.
No, it's not that. It's just I overheard Bob Ruby on the phone with his head coach
saying something about how much of a joke Coach Hillridge is.
They're just leading him on so they don't lose another player to a rival school.
Wha… What?
He called him a nobody.
But don't tell Coach Hillridge that.
Why do you care so much about whether you're DEI or not? DEI is fab.
I have a lot of DEI friends actually.
And plus, like, no one even knows why anyone hires anyone.
Like, they just gave me an assistant at work for the first time
and I purposely hired someone, like,
really bad so I would look better in comparison.
You have an assistant?
Yeah, Devian. She's horrible.
I don't know, I just don't feel like I can go into work with my head held high,
knowing that my teaching abilities had very little to do with me being hired.
Oh, my God. Wait.
Okay, I have an idea. It's maybe one of my best ever.
What if you interviewed at my company?
No, no, no, I don't want to leave my job.
I just think that it's weird why I got hired.
Also, your company is so sketchy and scary to me.
No, you wouldn't have to actually work at Mugu.
It's more of, like, a social experiment, like MrBeast.
Like you interview at my job and pretend to be straight and white.
Hmm. Pretend I'm straight and white, and that way I could
prove that I'm good enough to work at Mugu?
Exactly. To prove that it's easier to get a job
as a straight, white guy.
And to prove to Grant that you're not some, like, box he can check off.
I think that's an insane idea.
- Malcolm, this is so stupid.
I don't know how you talked me into this, exclamation point.
It's cool that they have kombucha here all the time though.
I'm having one, period.
Do you have one every day, question mark?
Okay, I'm-I'm… I'm leaving. I'm-I'm not gonna do this.
- Evan Marks? - Oh.
Yeah, that's me.
Well, listen, we're always looking for energetic, competent people,
- and I love your attitude. - Thanks.
Yeah, but I'd love to know a little bit more about you.
You know, what you do in your spare time. What makes Evan Marks tick?
You know, I'm just a regular guy. I like Barstool Sports.
And I'm in a running club that's, like, basically turning into an IPA club lately.
Eh oh!
Yeah, just whenever I'm looking for something to watch,
I fire up some Nate Bargatze on the TV and—
Oh. Nice, man, love him.
Yeah. - Yeah.
You know, me and my wife will order in some Thai food
and then we just make out basically.
She and I, we'll just lay together in bed and you know what happens after that so…
Hmm. Well, look, we usually go through more of an intense process
bringing on new team members,
but I think it is safe to say there's definitely a place for you here at Mugu.
- What? Ju-Just like… Just like that? Yeah, sometimes it's that easy.
We'll be in touch within the week, get you an offer.
Oh, that's awesome, man. Thank you.
It's-It's so nice to be hired for, you know, just me, just who I really am.
Yeah, of course.
You know, we're always looking for more diverse voices around the office.
I know the whole country is moving away from the DEI thing, but not Mugu.
- What are you talking about? - Well, come on, Evan.
All that stuff about your wife, you don't need to fool anybody.
I'm gay too. Okay? It's all right.
Plus I'm getting a little bit of a Latino vibe.
You got a big butt. It's nice.
Hell yeah. First away game at Missouri. That'll be a fun-ass trip.
- Hey, Markie. - Hey.
Hey. What are you doing in here? You never come in here.
What, are they fumigating your office?
I just came in here to, like… I don't know…
agree with you or like commiserate or something.
Oh, yeah, what's up? I don't know. I just…
I-I came from this stupid job interview that I just did
to, like, prove a point, and it made me basically realize you…
you were right.
DEI is bad.
- You're agreeing with me? I don't know.
I guess I thought all this, like, social progress was good,
but now I see that, like, these-these programs are just…
they're kind of stupid, and they hurt people who think that…
that they were talented enough to get their jobs on their own merits, you know.
I mean, great. I'm happy to hear it.
I'm glad you're finally coming around, but here's the thing.
Without DEI, I don't think I'd be friends with a gay guy.
Yeah, that's probably true.
And now look at us, a Hispanic gay man and a badass straight dude.
Amigos, right? That's crazy, right?
I don't think I'd call it crazy, but I see your point.
No, it's crazy. I'm fired up now. Think, like, lesbians, for example.
If left to their own devices, what are they gonna do?
Hang out with other lesbians exclusively and then what happens?
You end up with a fire department, only lesbians.
I've seen some jacked-ass lesbians, don't get me wrong,
but like you need a couple big strong dudes in the mix.
We need the government to come in and make sure
there's big strong dudes in the mix, you know?
You're losing me with this one, but I… I hear you.
That's all right, man.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is the stuff within
a three mile radius of me, where I live, you know what I'm saying?
- Mm-hmm. - The job, the school, the restaurants.
Man, we got great restaurants around here. We take them for granted too.
The barbecue alone… - Yeah, I mean, honestly, in all of this,
I think I haven't been really thinking about the students enough.
I could do barbecue. I could do barbecue right now.
Burgers? I do burgers. I'll do wings. I'm not… I mean, I'm hungry—
Markie, I… I did not agree to go to lunch with you.
I think you got lost in your own head, but thank you for this.
All right, man. All right.
Let's go to lunch tomorrow. - I do pizza too.
Hey, Bob, can I talk to you for a second?
Let me just finish this Memoji video for my new wife.
Honey, that was funny as hell. I love you now and always.
Send. Oh, she's so much better than my ex.
Okay, go ahead.
I know you think that we should feel really lucky to be graced
by your presence here at our humble high school, but I think the real
reason that you're here is because you're desperate.
What in tarnation is this all about?
Last year, Tech goes 11-3, 36 points per game.
Wow, their quarterback coach must be amazing, but you look a little
deeper and you're last in the country in yards per attempt.
Your starter looks like shit against a cupcake like Kent State,
after a bye week no less.
And the best you can do at QB in the transfer portal
is that third stringer Reeves from Louisville?
- So yeah, I think you're desperate.
You need Bradley and you need a good quarterback.
So what in tarnation are you all about?
Sir, I'm so sorry about this. Gwen, can we talk for a second?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing? This is Bob Ruby, okay?
This is good for Bradley. This is good for me.
Markie, he was never gonna give you a coaching job.
It's true. I heard Bob Ruby say so.
Yeah, I said it.
I'll say and do whatever it takes to get the players we want.
Look, Bob Ruby doesn't need this headache.
- So I'ma head out. Ugh.
Okay.
Damn.
What, he offer you a job with all that football knowledge you got now?
Honestly, I have no idea what I said. Bradley wrote it out for me.
It was like memorizing a poem in Latin.
Well, I appreciate y'all just ripping the Band-Aid off,
you know, the truth hurts, but it heals, right?
- Come on, bud. Seriously.
Going through this whole process just made me realize…
…I don't even like football.
What are you talking about?
I just wanna work at the dump with my dad.
What?
I just wanna work at the dump with my dad.
Okay.
You don't want to play ball anymore, you ain't got to play ball anymore.
- Hit the showers. Thanks, Coach Hillridge.
I guess I'll have to wait for the Dallas Cowboys to come calling
- after all, huh? - Where's the fucking parking lot?
Just shove it up your ass, Bob.
Fuck this.
I'm going to Hooters.
- All right, guys, gather round.
Gather round.
All right, let's talk.
First of all, I want to apologize for some of the comments I made
in our last session.
Like when you told Pablo to stop being Mexican?
- I did not say that. - Kinda did.
Okay, well, what I want to say now is that I understand that life isn't fair,
but there's actually nothing wrong
with playing the hand of cards that you were dealt. Okay?
So we're gonna stay here tonight and write these essays for
as long as it takes, and you know what you're gonna do?
You're gonna use every card in your deck. You're a legacy, use that.
You've got familial trauma, use that.
You're the first in your family to go to college, use that.
Use who you are.
If you got it, flaunt it. Stop fucking around.
If you're weird, be weird.
You don't get any points in life for being a martyr, okay?
So you might as well take everything you've got and throw it at the wall.
My dad does that with food.
Guys, I just got off the phone with UT.
They're looking for bisexuality or anxiety.
So if you've got either one of those, put that in the essay.
And if you got both, cha-ching, that's the jackpot, baby.
There's pizza and coffee in the back.
I am here to help you make these essays world-changing.
- Let's get to work. - I get first dibs. I'm the oldest.
Evan. I wanted to share this with you. It's the, uh…
It's your file from your interview. You can see my notes.
- "Evan Marquez, diversity candidate… - Mm-hmm.
Immediately got into an argument with me over
the student dress code, which he deemed fascist.
- If hired, will be a giant pain in my ass,
but will always go above and beyond for his students."
- See? Very nice.
Yeah, I was right on both counts.
I think it's probably a little much to call me a giant pain in the ass.
Well, agree to disagree.
Man, I have never seen him so happy.
Yeah, that kid really loves the dump.
He sure does.
Oh, no, ma'am, thank you.
I'm happy for him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still
butthurt from Bob Ruby dangling that job in front of my face.
Hi, Coach Markie.
This is so cool.
There's no crying anymore, huh?
God. God, there's an amazing energy here.
Dad, we can take batteries, yeah?
Yeah, I got to learn to not get my hopes up.
I bet the reason you didn't get the job is
because they went with, like, a diversity hire or something.
Yeah, yeah, I bet that's it, Markie.
You don't have to feel bad about that.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I just hope they don't give it to a woman, you know.
Markie.