1 00:00:33,322 --> 00:00:34,615 Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. 2 00:00:34,698 --> 00:00:38,452 My landlord keeps blocking my car and then I have to… Oh, shit. 3 00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:43,040 I'm sorry. Keep going. 4 00:00:47,169 --> 00:00:50,005 I'll meditate. 5 00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:56,136 [Grant, on PA] This concludes our 10-minute morning meditation session. 6 00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:58,764 Thank you all for participating. "Namasti!" 7 00:00:58,847 --> 00:01:01,642 Namaste. He needs to learn how to say that. 8 00:01:01,725 --> 00:01:04,603 As you all know, it's been a big couple of days. 9 00:01:04,686 --> 00:01:07,356 And preparing for this state accreditation process has not been easy 10 00:01:07,439 --> 00:01:10,901 but I am telling you that all that hard work is going to be so worth it. 11 00:01:10,984 --> 00:01:14,279 So worth it when Morrison-Hensley finally moves up 12 00:01:14,363 --> 00:01:20,744 from a four-star level to finally become a five-star, blue-ribbon institution. 13 00:01:20,828 --> 00:01:22,162 Look, guys. I'm just going to say 14 00:01:22,246 --> 00:01:25,457 I have long believed that Morrison-Hensley is the best school in the whole district. 15 00:01:25,541 --> 00:01:27,835 And this is our chance. We're gonna show these accreditors 16 00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:31,547 that we deserve the five stars for all the selfless work we do here. 17 00:01:31,630 --> 00:01:33,757 Amazing, Evan. Yes, thank you. What Evan says. 18 00:01:33,841 --> 00:01:36,510 - Plus we get a really cool plaque. - Hell yeah. 19 00:01:36,593 --> 00:01:38,679 - Yeah, Markie. 20 00:01:38,762 --> 00:01:40,889 Just wondering how we're supposed to explain to these accreditors 21 00:01:40,973 --> 00:01:43,100 that praying to Buddha is now encouraged in this school. 22 00:01:43,183 --> 00:01:44,184 No, Markie. No. 23 00:01:44,268 --> 00:01:46,854 Markie, I assume you're talking about the meditation program. 24 00:01:46,937 --> 00:01:49,606 Meditation is not "praying to Buddha." 25 00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:52,818 It's literally just a stress management tool. 26 00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:56,572 I mean, today it's meditation. Tomorrow the kids are shaving their heads 27 00:01:56,655 --> 00:01:58,574 and wearing robes to school. What's next? 28 00:01:58,657 --> 00:02:01,243 They're doing sacrificial orgies in the gym? 29 00:02:01,326 --> 00:02:03,996 Please, enough. No arguing. Especially in front of the evaluators. 30 00:02:04,079 --> 00:02:05,455 And, Markie. One more time. 31 00:02:05,539 --> 00:02:07,291 The meditation break is not religious. 32 00:02:07,374 --> 00:02:11,169 It's the students sitting and thinking. If that's religious, I'm the Pope. 33 00:02:11,253 --> 00:02:13,130 He'd, low-key, be a solid Pope 34 00:02:13,213 --> 00:02:15,007 - 'cause he doesn't have sex. 35 00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:16,800 Markie, if you're so obsessed with prayer in school, 36 00:02:16,884 --> 00:02:19,469 why don't you just go teach at a private school or a religious school? 37 00:02:19,553 --> 00:02:21,388 I just want things to be fair, okay? 38 00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:24,975 Either no prayers allowed or all prayers allowed, okay? 39 00:02:25,058 --> 00:02:27,853 I'm talking about the weird stuff and the good old-fashioned normal kind. 40 00:02:27,936 --> 00:02:30,898 It's not prayer. It is a stress management tool! 41 00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:32,441 It's working on you, clearly. 42 00:02:32,524 --> 00:02:34,693 - Oh, touché. Nice. 43 00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:36,445 Are you stressed because of the accreditation? 44 00:02:36,528 --> 00:02:37,946 No, no, no. I'm not stressed about that. 45 00:02:38,030 --> 00:02:41,366 The evaluators always love me. If it's a woman, women love gay men. 46 00:02:41,450 --> 00:02:43,327 If it's a gay guy, obviously that goes well. 47 00:02:43,410 --> 00:02:45,579 And if it's a straight guy, then he doesn't want to seem homophobic, 48 00:02:45,662 --> 00:02:48,206 so he either loves me, or he pretends to love me. 49 00:02:48,290 --> 00:02:51,209 Oh, my God. You've gamed the system. I should become bi. 50 00:02:51,293 --> 00:02:52,502 What's going on? I only have a second. 51 00:02:52,586 --> 00:02:54,004 I have to meet my accreditor in the language lab 52 00:02:54,087 --> 00:02:55,547 - in four… in three minutes. - Grant, Sir. 53 00:02:55,631 --> 00:02:57,257 You know I would do anything for you, right? 54 00:02:57,341 --> 00:02:59,760 I-I can't do this. I can't do the accreditation. 55 00:02:59,843 --> 00:03:02,054 I can't deal with these people. 56 00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:04,890 Oh, don't worry about that, Rick. Just be yourself. 57 00:03:04,973 --> 00:03:06,892 No, I can't. You-You don't really… I-I can't. 58 00:03:06,975 --> 00:03:11,521 When I'm under a microscope, I become a completely different person. 59 00:03:11,605 --> 00:03:14,066 I get totally freaked out. 60 00:03:14,149 --> 00:03:16,777 - Totally freaked out. - All right. All right, all right. 61 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,821 Hey, isn't today the day you have to be on the phone all day to colleges 62 00:03:19,905 --> 00:03:22,240 about upcoming applications? 63 00:03:22,324 --> 00:03:24,868 No, that was last month. Are you stupid? 64 00:03:24,952 --> 00:03:26,036 Pretend. Get it? 65 00:03:26,119 --> 00:03:28,288 You're very busy on the phone all day 66 00:03:28,372 --> 00:03:30,040 and I'll smooth things over with your accreditor. 67 00:03:30,123 --> 00:03:32,334 Oh, my God. You're the best, Grant. 68 00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:34,628 I'm sorry I asked if you were stupid 69 00:03:34,711 --> 00:03:36,421 - a few seconds ago. - That's all right. 70 00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:39,591 Okay. Key themes. Lord of the Flies. 71 00:03:40,759 --> 00:03:44,846 Mr. Marquez, Coach Hillridge wants to see you in the gymnasium. 72 00:03:45,389 --> 00:03:46,556 Great. 73 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,225 Yeah, I'm honored to teach these kids. 74 00:03:48,308 --> 00:03:51,186 Especially nowadays, their physical education gets overlooked. 75 00:03:51,269 --> 00:03:52,479 How so? 76 00:03:52,562 --> 00:03:54,356 Well, everybody wants their kids to study, 77 00:03:54,439 --> 00:03:56,358 but a lot of these kids don't have the brains for it. 78 00:03:56,441 --> 00:03:59,569 Most of 'em are going to end up doing physical labor their entire life. 79 00:03:59,653 --> 00:04:02,614 Markie, what was so urgent? I-I… I have to get back to class. 80 00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:04,449 You know my evaluator is about to be here. 81 00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,494 Speaking of evaluators, Beverly Murphy, Evan Marquez. 82 00:04:08,036 --> 00:04:11,289 - Hey, how are ya? So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 83 00:04:11,373 --> 00:04:13,041 So, Bev here was just curious 84 00:04:13,125 --> 00:04:15,377 - about what these students are up to. - Yes. 85 00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:19,339 Yeah. And, uh, you know, I figured you could explain it better than I could. 86 00:04:19,923 --> 00:04:22,134 That's what you brought me in here to ask me, Markie? 87 00:04:22,718 --> 00:04:24,886 Well, this is very funny, Beverly, because, actually, 88 00:04:24,970 --> 00:04:26,972 Markie knows what these students are doing. 89 00:04:27,055 --> 00:04:28,515 - I do, I do. I… - It's something 90 00:04:28,598 --> 00:04:30,350 we've talked about a lot but— 91 00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:34,104 Mr. Marquez, why are you here talking to Coach Hillridge? 92 00:04:34,187 --> 00:04:35,605 - Coach Hillridge called me here… - Talk, talk. 93 00:04:35,689 --> 00:04:36,815 …to ask me about these students… 94 00:04:36,898 --> 00:04:38,692 - I don't wanna know. - …what they were doing. 95 00:04:38,775 --> 00:04:41,111 But let's all take a moment and enjoy and appreciate this brand-new gym floor 96 00:04:41,194 --> 00:04:43,488 that was installed last year, which came in under budget. 97 00:04:43,572 --> 00:04:45,657 Why don't you meditate on that, kids? 98 00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:50,537 And that's why the movie Contact is so good. 99 00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:52,956 Ethan, Ethan, with the laser pointer. Stop it. 100 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,625 Stop. If you do that again, I'm gonna call your dad, who is a cop. 101 00:04:55,709 --> 00:04:57,085 - All right? End it. 102 00:04:57,169 --> 00:05:00,464 Oh, yay! Okay, we have a special guest accreditor visiting. 103 00:05:00,547 --> 00:05:04,676 His name is Mr. Collins. Yes! Let's give him a warm welcome. 104 00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:09,514 - Brent. - Gwen. 105 00:05:09,598 --> 00:05:11,516 - Hey, Brent Collins. 106 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,018 - You know what? I'll be right back. Okay. 107 00:05:13,101 --> 00:05:16,104 Erica, tell him what we were just learning. 108 00:05:16,772 --> 00:05:19,107 - What do you mean? When? - It's history. 109 00:05:19,191 --> 00:05:22,694 You can pick any time. It's so crazy. 110 00:05:24,529 --> 00:05:27,240 - Short King Spring, huh? 111 00:05:28,617 --> 00:05:31,745 Golding explores the idea that a— - Evan. Sorry. Are you busy? 112 00:05:31,828 --> 00:05:33,747 I'm in the middle of teaching a class. 113 00:05:33,830 --> 00:05:35,540 Okay, well, we're all teaching. I need you. 114 00:05:36,708 --> 00:05:39,920 Okay. I'll-I'll be right back, guys. Just a teacher thing. 115 00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:43,590 - What's up? - Brent is my evaluator. 116 00:05:44,549 --> 00:05:47,803 - Who? - The guy that I dumped and I ghosted. 117 00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:49,054 Brent. 118 00:05:49,137 --> 00:05:50,388 He's in my classroom. 119 00:05:50,472 --> 00:05:52,265 You had no option. You had to ghost that guy. 120 00:05:52,349 --> 00:05:55,560 All that stuff he had going on… you can't say that to somebody's face. 121 00:05:55,644 --> 00:05:56,937 Yes. Of course. 122 00:05:57,020 --> 00:05:58,772 I mean, what if he gives you a bad review? 123 00:05:58,855 --> 00:06:00,690 Maybe you should ask for a different evaluator. 124 00:06:00,774 --> 00:06:03,360 No, that'll make it a bigger deal than it already is. You know? 125 00:06:03,443 --> 00:06:05,821 You know what? Just-Just focus on your teaching. It's gonna be fine. 126 00:06:05,904 --> 00:06:07,906 - Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, that's it. - Yes. 127 00:06:07,989 --> 00:06:10,242 - This is good. I love you. - It's gonna be okay. Okay. 128 00:06:10,951 --> 00:06:12,828 Okay. Sorry, guys. 129 00:06:12,911 --> 00:06:15,288 I took a minute talking to Ms. Sanders. 130 00:06:15,372 --> 00:06:19,126 Uh… I don't know why my evaluator isn't here yet. 131 00:06:19,209 --> 00:06:20,544 I'm here. 132 00:06:21,753 --> 00:06:24,214 You-You? You're my evaluator? 133 00:06:24,881 --> 00:06:25,882 Yes. 134 00:06:27,259 --> 00:06:30,595 So-So they have students that do the evaluations as well? 135 00:06:30,679 --> 00:06:31,972 Yes. 136 00:06:33,515 --> 00:06:36,017 Okay. And you're totally trained 137 00:06:36,101 --> 00:06:38,436 - to do this job and everything? - Yes. 138 00:06:39,396 --> 00:06:41,731 Okay. Do you have a name? 139 00:06:41,815 --> 00:06:43,108 Yes. 140 00:06:43,191 --> 00:06:44,651 And what is the name? 141 00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,903 - Sawyer. Sawyer. 142 00:06:47,487 --> 00:06:50,365 Well, great. 143 00:06:50,448 --> 00:06:54,119 Of course, I'm the one that gets stuck with the student evaluator. 144 00:06:54,202 --> 00:06:56,413 This is crazy. She's staring at me while I'm trying to eat. 145 00:06:56,496 --> 00:06:59,207 She probably wants to play with toys with you or something. She's a kid. 146 00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:00,876 I completely froze in front of this girl. 147 00:07:00,959 --> 00:07:03,295 I feel like they sent me a student just to throw me off my game. 148 00:07:03,378 --> 00:07:06,339 Dude, you're right. They probably knew you had no experience with children. 149 00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:08,091 Who are you even on the phone with right now? 150 00:07:08,175 --> 00:07:09,217 No one, it's a fake call. 151 00:07:09,301 --> 00:07:12,262 Grant said I could do this so that I don't have to be evaluated 152 00:07:12,345 --> 00:07:14,723 - by one of those accreditors. - It's a good plan actually. 153 00:07:14,806 --> 00:07:15,932 - It is so convincing. Right? 154 00:07:16,016 --> 00:07:17,726 Doesn't it look like I'm on with CVS? 155 00:07:17,809 --> 00:07:19,895 Now I'm gonna be the reason we don't get this blue ribbon. 156 00:07:19,978 --> 00:07:22,647 Nope. I will be the reason we don't get the blue ribbon. I guarantee it. 157 00:07:22,731 --> 00:07:24,316 I-I-I literally ghosted my accreditor. 158 00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:26,526 Why do you even think there's bad blood? 159 00:07:26,610 --> 00:07:28,403 Maybe he's just, like, overwhelmed seeing you again. 160 00:07:28,486 --> 00:07:31,448 Remembering how lucky he is to have dated you in the first place, you know? 161 00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:32,991 Damn, dude. 162 00:07:33,074 --> 00:07:35,744 At least your evaluator is pretty cool, Markie. 163 00:07:35,827 --> 00:07:38,914 I mean, she did seem a little weirded out by the meditation thing, 164 00:07:38,997 --> 00:07:40,207 made her uncomfortable a little bit, 165 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,291 - you know? Is she dim? 166 00:07:41,374 --> 00:07:43,835 Markie, you're uncomfortable. She's being normal. 167 00:07:43,919 --> 00:07:46,004 Okay. Let me hit you with this brain tickler, all right? 168 00:07:46,087 --> 00:07:49,507 What if a student was meditating but holding a Bible the whole time 169 00:07:49,591 --> 00:07:51,051 instead of a meditation cube? 170 00:07:51,134 --> 00:07:53,261 What is a meditation cube? 171 00:07:53,345 --> 00:07:55,639 Stop it. This is my fault, isn't it? 172 00:07:55,722 --> 00:07:57,849 I said, "Please don't argue about this one specific topic 173 00:07:57,933 --> 00:08:01,478 for the next 24 hours." And now it's become your forbidden fruit, hasn't it? 174 00:08:01,561 --> 00:08:03,438 Forbidden fruit. Heard that, Evan? 175 00:08:03,521 --> 00:08:06,316 Like the apple of knowledge Eve plucked from the tree in the Garden of Eden, huh? 176 00:08:06,399 --> 00:08:07,651 - Rick. Rick. Nah. 177 00:08:07,734 --> 00:08:09,486 Cup your phone like it's so urgent you don't even 178 00:08:09,569 --> 00:08:10,904 - have a moment for me. - Hang on one second. 179 00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:12,155 My boss won't shut up. Wait, what? 180 00:08:12,239 --> 00:08:13,531 Hmm? Huh? 181 00:08:13,615 --> 00:08:14,866 I'm sorry. Are you actually on a call? 182 00:08:14,950 --> 00:08:16,451 No, I'm doing what you told me to do. 183 00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:17,744 Oh, good. 184 00:08:17,827 --> 00:08:19,788 Anyway. So, blah, blah, blah. 185 00:08:19,871 --> 00:08:21,456 Then they were saying no taxation 186 00:08:21,539 --> 00:08:23,416 without representation and the tension was building 187 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:28,713 until the Boston Massacre! 188 00:08:29,506 --> 00:08:34,678 Um, I probably shouldn't have shouted massacre because people died. 189 00:08:34,761 --> 00:08:38,139 And that is a very serious thing, right, Brent? 190 00:08:38,223 --> 00:08:40,392 So, we should probably write that down. 191 00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:42,269 - What? - I just wanna make sure 192 00:08:42,352 --> 00:08:46,147 you're… you're not misrepresenting what I said. 193 00:08:46,231 --> 00:08:49,192 Not that you have any reason to make me look bad. 194 00:08:49,276 --> 00:08:51,903 Well, why don't you just say what you mean 195 00:08:52,529 --> 00:08:57,742 because saying what you mean is a lot better than saying nothing at all. 196 00:08:59,244 --> 00:09:02,664 Okay, sorry. There's like a super heavy vibe in here. 197 00:09:02,747 --> 00:09:06,167 A heavy vibe? - Yeah, that's the vibe. 198 00:09:06,251 --> 00:09:08,378 Obviously you guys have picked up on the fact that I… 199 00:09:09,212 --> 00:09:11,464 We have, we just, we knew each other. So, it is a little… 200 00:09:11,548 --> 00:09:13,883 Damn. So, why'd you guys break up? 201 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:17,595 We're not gonna talk about this in a classroom setting. So… 202 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:18,763 You're the one that brought it up. 203 00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:20,640 Actually, I… I wouldn't mind hearing this. 204 00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:23,226 I mean, why did you break up with me, Miss Sanders? 205 00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:27,355 Okay. So, the, um… What year did the American Re-Revolutionary War begin? 206 00:09:27,439 --> 00:09:29,274 Not so fast, Miss Blouse. 207 00:09:29,357 --> 00:09:33,111 - Two people in here need some healing. I don't need to heal. I'm fine. 208 00:09:33,194 --> 00:09:34,279 I want you to say the truth. 209 00:09:34,362 --> 00:09:37,157 Okay. You had bad breath. I… 210 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,076 I had tonsil stones. They're gone now. 211 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,912 - Okay. Well, you also had a stinky ass. - Oh! 212 00:09:42,996 --> 00:09:46,082 And another thing, your dog was shitting in the bed, okay? 213 00:09:46,166 --> 00:09:48,001 He was shitting and eating it. He was eating it. 214 00:09:48,084 --> 00:09:50,170 He was mushing it into the wood floor and on the pillows. 215 00:09:50,253 --> 00:09:51,588 It was everywhere, okay? 216 00:09:51,671 --> 00:09:53,798 It-It-It all just felt a little gross to me. 217 00:09:53,882 --> 00:09:58,053 And I didn't communicate it to you and I feel really, really bad. I'm sorry. 218 00:09:59,304 --> 00:10:03,558 Well, I-I guess I'm just glad to finally hear you shoot me straight for once. 219 00:10:03,641 --> 00:10:06,311 You know, I… I feel a lot of closure. 220 00:10:06,936 --> 00:10:07,937 Great. 221 00:10:08,897 --> 00:10:10,065 Fucking love closure. 222 00:10:12,108 --> 00:10:14,027 - Really good class, everybody. 223 00:10:14,110 --> 00:10:17,030 Wow, Mr. Marquez, you really made me want to read. 224 00:10:17,113 --> 00:10:18,198 Thank you, Tina. 225 00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:20,950 Yeah. That was some great teaching, Mr. Marquez. 226 00:10:21,034 --> 00:10:23,661 Really reignited my interest in English. 227 00:10:24,454 --> 00:10:25,663 Thanks so much, Jeff. 228 00:10:26,498 --> 00:10:29,667 Great kids. They're always, like, telling me stuff like that. 229 00:10:30,293 --> 00:10:32,087 Any thoughts so far? 230 00:10:32,962 --> 00:10:35,715 Huh. Yeah. 231 00:10:36,299 --> 00:10:40,845 Well, if you do have any feedback for me, just know I'm-I'm… I'm an open book. 232 00:10:40,929 --> 00:10:42,013 I look forward to hearing 233 00:10:42,097 --> 00:10:43,807 your teaching philosophy statement, Mr. Marquez. 234 00:10:43,890 --> 00:10:47,227 Mmm, yeah. I look forward to-to… Wait, what? 235 00:10:47,310 --> 00:10:49,979 Your report on your general worldview as an educator 236 00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:51,731 at this evening's Accreditation Panel. 237 00:10:53,942 --> 00:10:56,778 Grant, what is this? There's an Accreditation Panel tonight? 238 00:10:56,861 --> 00:10:58,279 It's a new thing they're trying this year, 239 00:10:58,363 --> 00:11:00,281 but don't worry, we've got some help from the parents' committee. 240 00:11:00,365 --> 00:11:02,283 Well, actually one parent in particular. 241 00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:03,743 What is all this stuff? 242 00:11:03,827 --> 00:11:05,120 - This looks like a war room. - Yeah. 243 00:11:05,203 --> 00:11:06,913 Grant. That copier is a hunk of junk. 244 00:11:06,996 --> 00:11:09,916 You need to ditch the inkjet and hop on the toner train, honey. 245 00:11:09,999 --> 00:11:11,000 Choo-choo. 246 00:11:11,084 --> 00:11:13,420 - Yes, Linda. - Linda. 247 00:11:13,503 --> 00:11:17,340 In the taut and gorgeous flesh. How are you, Mr. Marquez? Not well? 248 00:11:17,424 --> 00:11:20,677 What are you doing here? Why-Why would you let her be part of this process? 249 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,512 Come on, Evan. We're on the same side here 250 00:11:22,595 --> 00:11:23,721 - and Linda just— - No, we're not! 251 00:11:23,805 --> 00:11:25,432 Yes, we do. Linda just wants to do everything she can 252 00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:27,058 to help us get that blue ribbon. 253 00:11:27,142 --> 00:11:29,060 Come on, Linda. For once in our lives, 254 00:11:29,144 --> 00:11:31,604 let's just stand here and be honest with each other, okay? 255 00:11:31,688 --> 00:11:33,481 What's really in it for you? 256 00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:37,152 All right, fine. Cards, table. 257 00:11:37,235 --> 00:11:38,653 I do own quite a few properties 258 00:11:38,736 --> 00:11:40,363 - in this district. - There it is. 259 00:11:40,447 --> 00:11:41,906 So, if the school gets a blue ribbon, 260 00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:43,741 those property values are gonna go ahead and skyrocket. 261 00:11:43,825 --> 00:11:46,453 The market will have to issue a code NSYNC. 262 00:11:47,412 --> 00:11:50,790 - That's buy, buy, buy. 263 00:11:50,874 --> 00:11:53,042 - Very noble intentions, Linda. As always. Come on, babe. 264 00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:56,004 I know we've had our issues in the past 265 00:11:56,087 --> 00:12:00,592 but the past is called the past because it happened in the past. 266 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:03,261 - What? - Mm-hmm. 267 00:12:03,344 --> 00:12:06,181 Don't act like you're not excited to have me on your side for once. 268 00:12:06,264 --> 00:12:08,516 Okay, you know what? 269 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,227 If this is what it takes to get the blue ribbon, 270 00:12:11,311 --> 00:12:14,981 then-then let's… let's do it. What do you have in mind? 271 00:12:15,064 --> 00:12:18,735 Damn, this is some Sweeney Todd type shit. Oh. Be care… be careful. 272 00:12:18,818 --> 00:12:21,529 All right, game faces, people. Attention. 273 00:12:21,613 --> 00:12:23,740 Now group three is out there and they're killing it. 274 00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:26,784 They're looking all like Riverdale teachers. Very sleek, very shiny. 275 00:12:26,868 --> 00:12:30,038 Now, with y'all I started in a much frumpier spot 276 00:12:30,121 --> 00:12:32,373 but I'm feeling okay now. How about y'all? 277 00:12:32,457 --> 00:12:36,586 Yeah, I just sort think… Don't you… Does of any of this look okay to you? 278 00:12:36,669 --> 00:12:39,130 I feel like I'm looking in the mirror and I've never looked better. 279 00:12:39,214 --> 00:12:41,716 - Thank you. - Hmm. You told her about my… my thing? 280 00:12:41,799 --> 00:12:45,595 Rick is feeling anxious about being scrutinized. 281 00:12:45,678 --> 00:12:49,807 I-I-I can't take pressure. I turn into somebody I don't even recognize. 282 00:12:49,891 --> 00:12:52,435 I get totally freaked out. Totally freaked out. 283 00:12:52,519 --> 00:12:55,480 - Totally freaked out! - Stop freaking out, okay? 284 00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:57,690 All you have to do is read what I've written for you 285 00:12:57,774 --> 00:12:59,359 and you're gonna be fine, all right? 286 00:12:59,442 --> 00:13:01,069 Now, that goes for all of y'all, okay? 287 00:13:01,152 --> 00:13:03,571 Whatever y'all wrote for your teaching philosophy statements, 288 00:13:03,655 --> 00:13:04,656 just throw it right out. 289 00:13:04,739 --> 00:13:06,407 I have gathered intel, okay? 290 00:13:06,491 --> 00:13:08,451 I have written statements that are specifically… 291 00:13:08,535 --> 00:13:09,869 - Winston. - Mm-hmm. 292 00:13:09,953 --> 00:13:11,663 - …that are specifically tailored… - Sorry. 293 00:13:11,746 --> 00:13:14,123 …to each of your individual evaluators. 294 00:13:14,207 --> 00:13:17,210 Markie? - Huh? 295 00:13:17,293 --> 00:13:20,964 - Oh, my God. Hagrid goes to prom. Okay. 296 00:13:21,047 --> 00:13:23,716 Now listen, your accreditor has a whole Facebook page 297 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,928 dedicated to how things aren't as good now as they were in the old days. 298 00:13:27,011 --> 00:13:29,055 So, I'm gonna need you to hit that pretty hard. 299 00:13:29,138 --> 00:13:30,598 - Gotcha. Now Grant. 300 00:13:30,682 --> 00:13:33,476 Your gal is a fiend for facts and figures. 301 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,395 And I know you got this, my little nerd. 302 00:13:35,478 --> 00:13:37,647 - Now, Gwen? - How can I help you, darling? 303 00:13:37,730 --> 00:13:39,399 It seems like you and Brent patched things up. 304 00:13:39,482 --> 00:13:41,859 Yeah, I think so. I think I did. 305 00:13:41,943 --> 00:13:44,988 Honey, we're just gonna let the blush do the talking. 306 00:13:45,071 --> 00:13:47,490 - This is just some Far Side cartoons. - Yeah. 307 00:13:47,574 --> 00:13:48,783 Okay, Evan. 308 00:13:48,866 --> 00:13:52,203 Now, your accreditor is a bit of a mystery still, but Winston's on it. 309 00:13:52,287 --> 00:13:54,539 Is Winston making some kind of a short film or… 310 00:13:54,622 --> 00:13:56,165 - Documentary feature. - Oh, it's a feature? 311 00:13:56,249 --> 00:14:02,380 But what is important is, you are a 10 and a half, correct? 312 00:14:02,463 --> 00:14:03,923 What's wrong with my shoes? 313 00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:07,677 Nothing, but these will just give you a little lift. 314 00:14:08,428 --> 00:14:11,514 Linda, I'm not wearing lifts in my shoes. 315 00:14:11,598 --> 00:14:13,141 They are good enough for Tom Cruise. 316 00:14:13,891 --> 00:14:16,811 Oh, let me guess. You think you're better than the goddamn star of Valkyrie. 317 00:14:16,894 --> 00:14:20,523 Valkyrie is the first Tom Cruise movie you think of? 318 00:14:35,455 --> 00:14:36,539 Sorry. 319 00:14:40,293 --> 00:14:41,461 It's ribbon time, y'all. 320 00:14:45,465 --> 00:14:47,216 "A one-room school house. 321 00:14:48,343 --> 00:14:53,181 A three-mile walk through deep snow down to that humble red shack. 322 00:14:53,848 --> 00:14:57,060 Don't we all just miss those simpler times? 323 00:14:57,143 --> 00:14:59,145 - Back when a nickel could buy you a soda… Hmm. 324 00:14:59,228 --> 00:15:02,190 …and no one was posting pictures of their dang meals either." 325 00:15:02,273 --> 00:15:04,484 "Depicting growth trends with a connection 326 00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:07,111 - between marching band participants… 327 00:15:07,195 --> 00:15:09,781 …and high placement in AP chemistry." 328 00:15:09,864 --> 00:15:12,909 And now I'd like to turn it over to Rick Santana. 329 00:15:12,992 --> 00:15:13,993 Rick. 330 00:15:14,077 --> 00:15:17,038 Please bear with him. He's a great guy and a great guidance counselor. 331 00:15:17,121 --> 00:15:19,165 He's just not a big fan of public speaking. 332 00:15:19,248 --> 00:15:20,833 Come on up, Rick. Come on up. 333 00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:24,003 Smile. 334 00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:27,924 Thank you, Grant, for your service and for your friendship. 335 00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:30,301 You're a hard act to follow but I'll try my best. 336 00:15:30,385 --> 00:15:31,844 Now, what if I told you 337 00:15:31,928 --> 00:15:35,473 Morrison-Hensley High outperforms every school in the district. 338 00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:41,229 Except by one metric which is per pupil budget allocation. 339 00:15:41,312 --> 00:15:45,274 Whoa, Santana. What the heck are you talking about over here? 340 00:15:45,358 --> 00:15:47,527 That's what this guy's thinking. Am I right? 341 00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,321 I mean, either that or when's supper. 342 00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:54,909 I'm just messing around, buddy. We're all adults. 343 00:15:54,992 --> 00:15:57,203 What is going on? I'm not good at math… 344 00:15:57,286 --> 00:15:58,287 - I… - …but who is… 345 00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:00,081 When he said he's not himself under pressure, 346 00:16:00,164 --> 00:16:03,000 I didn't know that he becomes someone better. 347 00:16:03,084 --> 00:16:05,545 Take those numbers, put them together, shake them up, 348 00:16:05,628 --> 00:16:10,466 add some love and make them add up to 100% college acceptance rate. 349 00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:11,926 Can we dream it? 350 00:16:12,009 --> 00:16:13,302 - Yeah. - Yeah. 351 00:16:13,386 --> 00:16:17,682 I can't hear you. Can we dream it? 352 00:16:17,765 --> 00:16:18,975 - Yeah. - Yes! 353 00:16:19,058 --> 00:16:20,393 Hell, yo! Hey, yo. Hey, yo. 354 00:16:20,476 --> 00:16:24,522 My name is Rick Santana and I want to thank you all for dreaming along with me. 355 00:16:30,737 --> 00:16:32,530 What the hell was that, dude? 356 00:16:32,613 --> 00:16:36,117 - How'd you know all that stuff? - I don't know. How long was I out for? 357 00:16:37,368 --> 00:16:39,662 Okay, this is hot off the presses. 358 00:16:39,746 --> 00:16:42,457 Your accreditor's mother died when she was very young. 359 00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:45,460 - That's terrible, Linda. - It is. 360 00:16:45,543 --> 00:16:48,254 It is, but it is also very useful. 361 00:16:48,337 --> 00:16:50,673 - How is it useful? I don't wanna use that. - Evan, 362 00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:53,009 we play the hand we're dealt, okay? 363 00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:55,553 Now, this speech is a slam dunk. You're Shaq, 364 00:16:55,636 --> 00:16:58,139 the audience is the hoop, and this girl's dead momma's the ball. 365 00:16:58,222 --> 00:17:00,975 Lastly, our English department head. Evan Marquez. 366 00:17:01,058 --> 00:17:02,935 Whoo! 367 00:17:08,191 --> 00:17:09,567 Thank you. 368 00:17:12,153 --> 00:17:13,571 Okay. 369 00:17:14,197 --> 00:17:17,283 "Many of our students lack role models in their lives 370 00:17:17,366 --> 00:17:20,369 and we are here to be adult role models. 371 00:17:20,453 --> 00:17:23,664 To be the father that they never met or the mother who left them too soon." 372 00:17:29,545 --> 00:17:32,757 I'm-I'm not… Sorry, I'm not doing this. This is wrong. 373 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:37,094 Not-Not just the speech but th-this whole… This whole accreditation thing is wrong. 374 00:17:37,178 --> 00:17:40,223 Okay. Thank you, thank you very— - No, Grant. You don't need to shut me up 375 00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:43,226 to-to get the approval of these random people. 376 00:17:43,309 --> 00:17:44,977 You know, this-this-this bureaucracy, 377 00:17:45,061 --> 00:17:48,231 this bullshit has been distracting me and my fellow teachers 378 00:17:48,314 --> 00:17:50,191 from actually teaching all week. 379 00:17:50,274 --> 00:17:52,527 We haven't been able to do our jobs, okay? 380 00:17:52,610 --> 00:17:54,445 And this whole little song and dance we're doing 381 00:17:54,529 --> 00:17:57,949 is just a charade orchestrated by Linda Harrison. 382 00:17:58,032 --> 00:18:03,412 A-A power hungry, greedy woman who is only in it for herself. 383 00:18:03,496 --> 00:18:05,998 She wants to raise real estate prices 384 00:18:06,082 --> 00:18:08,626 so that her rich sons will be richer one day 385 00:18:08,709 --> 00:18:11,337 and she can somehow find a new way to drag me through hell. 386 00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:13,422 That is not true. Y'all know me. 387 00:18:13,506 --> 00:18:16,676 If you want to know that this is all fake, let me show you something. Watch this. 388 00:18:17,301 --> 00:18:19,262 That's real. That's my real height, people. 389 00:18:19,345 --> 00:18:24,767 So, if you can't tell that this school is an amazing place full of amazing people 390 00:18:24,851 --> 00:18:28,855 then there's nothing that I can say in some speech 391 00:18:28,938 --> 00:18:33,401 that's gonna convince you of that. You just have to know it and we know it. 392 00:18:33,484 --> 00:18:35,736 So, we don't need your approval. Thank you. 393 00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:36,863 Good job, queen. 394 00:18:40,116 --> 00:18:45,162 Well, free expression is a very important part of this, um… 395 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,206 Why don't we all take a break? 396 00:18:47,290 --> 00:18:50,751 And while you guys eat, I'll sing a little bit of the national anthem. 397 00:19:06,225 --> 00:19:09,478 Oh, you are a piece of work, Marquez. 398 00:19:09,562 --> 00:19:11,564 You want to take me down so bad 399 00:19:11,647 --> 00:19:13,649 you're willing to take the whole school down with me. 400 00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:18,321 Linda, nothing I said in there was untrue. I stand by every word I said. 401 00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:21,574 But you know you'll never get me, right? 402 00:19:21,657 --> 00:19:24,994 I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to do what's right. 403 00:19:26,913 --> 00:19:29,248 Ow. Oh, my God! Ow. Ow. Ow. 404 00:19:29,332 --> 00:19:31,500 Ow. My nipple. 405 00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:33,085 It wasn't supposed to tickle. 406 00:19:35,922 --> 00:19:37,256 You okay? 407 00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:40,426 Yeah, I don't know, man. I shouldn't have said any of that stuff. 408 00:19:40,509 --> 00:19:43,679 I feel… Am I, like, insane? 409 00:19:43,763 --> 00:19:46,515 I mean, I think it. I think it two or three times a week. 410 00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:49,352 - But, you know, you just got a big heart. - [groans, sighs] 411 00:19:50,269 --> 00:19:52,229 - Yeah. - Excuse me, gentlemen, 412 00:19:52,313 --> 00:19:54,065 can I talk to you privately? 413 00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:59,153 I just need to say something to you about this whole meditation program. 414 00:20:00,029 --> 00:20:02,156 - What about it? - You know, I was a little concerned 415 00:20:02,239 --> 00:20:05,868 at first but then I realized what you were doing. 416 00:20:05,952 --> 00:20:11,123 Meditation is the perfect way to bring real prayer back into school. 417 00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,668 - Oh. - Hmm. 418 00:20:13,751 --> 00:20:15,711 That's n— People like us, 419 00:20:15,795 --> 00:20:20,049 we've got to stick together. So, let's join hands. 420 00:20:20,716 --> 00:20:22,468 - Okay. Yeah. 421 00:20:22,551 --> 00:20:24,387 We're gonna do a prayer, I see. Yeah. 422 00:20:24,470 --> 00:20:29,183 Lord, please protect these young soldiers of your divine word 423 00:20:29,266 --> 00:20:33,938 who are trying and doing all they can to return prayer to its rightful place. 424 00:20:34,021 --> 00:20:35,606 - Mmm. - And Lord, 425 00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:40,319 please protect these young students' minds from the temptations of Satan. 426 00:20:40,987 --> 00:20:43,364 And their deviant lifestyle choices 427 00:20:43,447 --> 00:20:47,118 including adultery and men lying down with men. 428 00:20:47,201 --> 00:20:49,954 - Amen. Thank you so much. - Amen. Amen. That was so beautiful. 429 00:20:50,037 --> 00:20:51,497 We'll see you in there, Bev. 430 00:20:54,625 --> 00:20:57,044 - Hey, Gwen. Hey. 431 00:20:57,128 --> 00:20:58,129 You look like a Flintstone. 432 00:20:58,754 --> 00:20:59,755 Thank you. 433 00:20:59,839 --> 00:21:03,926 Look, I'm sorry about everything today in the classroom with the kids and… 434 00:21:04,010 --> 00:21:05,094 Thank you for saying that. 435 00:21:05,177 --> 00:21:07,888 - No, thank you. - Also, I'm really sorry for ghosting you. 436 00:21:07,972 --> 00:21:10,307 - It was immature of me to do that. - No, no, no, it was— 437 00:21:10,391 --> 00:21:11,851 - That was crazy. - No, it was perfect 438 00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:13,728 because the whole time we were dating I was like, 439 00:21:13,811 --> 00:21:15,855 "Sarah or Gwen, Sarah or Gwen." 440 00:21:15,938 --> 00:21:17,940 And you know, you ghosted me 441 00:21:18,024 --> 00:21:21,694 so, I'm married to Sarah and you know, we're great, so… 442 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:23,738 You were dating somebody else? 443 00:21:24,363 --> 00:21:28,200 - Yes, her name's Sarah. - Yeah, I got that. Jesus! 444 00:21:28,284 --> 00:21:30,411 I hope Sarah dies. 445 00:21:30,494 --> 00:21:32,705 - That's my wife. - Whatever, dude. 446 00:21:32,788 --> 00:21:34,790 - Uh, excuse me. 447 00:21:34,874 --> 00:21:36,917 Hi, could I get everyone's attention for just a moment? 448 00:21:37,001 --> 00:21:38,586 Let me get a fry, dog. 449 00:21:38,669 --> 00:21:40,254 After much deliberation 450 00:21:40,337 --> 00:21:43,591 - and your moving teacher statements today… - [sighs, groans] 451 00:21:43,674 --> 00:21:46,844 …regardless of how ill-advised one of them may have been. 452 00:21:46,927 --> 00:21:50,639 We have decided to award Morrison-Hensley High School with the rating of… 453 00:21:51,807 --> 00:21:53,642 - four stars. - Le' go! 454 00:21:53,726 --> 00:21:56,020 Rick, that's not good. We wanted the blue ribbon. 455 00:21:56,103 --> 00:21:59,482 Thank you so much for having us here today and best of luck next time. 456 00:21:59,565 --> 00:22:04,487 Excuse me? Excuse me, if I could just say a few words before we go. 457 00:22:04,570 --> 00:22:07,406 - Who's that little guy? - I wanted to be clear about something. 458 00:22:07,490 --> 00:22:10,451 The truth is there was no way we were going to give Morrison-Hensley 459 00:22:10,534 --> 00:22:11,744 - the blue ribbon. What? 460 00:22:11,827 --> 00:22:14,246 Ex-Excuse me. Exc… What do you mean there was no way? 461 00:22:14,330 --> 00:22:16,457 Wh-What were we supposed to do to get the blue ribbon? 462 00:22:16,540 --> 00:22:19,043 You basically need an ice skating rink. 463 00:22:19,126 --> 00:22:20,252 Oh. 464 00:22:20,336 --> 00:22:21,378 In Texas? 465 00:22:21,462 --> 00:22:23,422 Also, I would like to just add. 466 00:22:23,506 --> 00:22:27,051 The fact that Mr. Marquez is constantly taken out of the classroom 467 00:22:27,134 --> 00:22:30,888 to help other teachers with their problems signifies that he's well-trusted, 468 00:22:30,971 --> 00:22:34,183 well-liked and instrumental to the daily operations of the school. 469 00:22:34,892 --> 00:22:38,521 That's very nice, Sawyer. Thank you. 470 00:22:38,604 --> 00:22:43,234 Also, Miss Linda, we don't take height into consideration for our evaluations. 471 00:22:43,901 --> 00:22:44,902 How's your mom? 472 00:22:47,196 --> 00:22:49,949 You really fucked me with that speech, didn't you? 473 00:22:50,032 --> 00:22:52,201 And no, this little cat and mouse game between us 474 00:22:52,284 --> 00:22:54,787 is not erotic for me at all, Evan. 475 00:22:54,870 --> 00:22:56,455 I'll remind you that I'm married 476 00:22:56,539 --> 00:22:58,082 and you're the gayest man that's ever lived. 477 00:22:58,165 --> 00:23:01,710 Look, the girl told us that we were going to be stuck at four stars no matter what. 478 00:23:01,794 --> 00:23:04,630 So, wh-why are you still blaming me? It wasn't my fault. 479 00:23:04,713 --> 00:23:08,175 Becau… It doesn't change your intent. Intent is nine-tenths of the law. 480 00:23:08,843 --> 00:23:10,177 That's what Dale always said. 481 00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:13,139 That's what's gotten him out of most of his financial trouble. 482 00:23:13,222 --> 00:23:15,474 I don't even have my gun in there. I don't know why I'm looking. 483 00:23:15,558 --> 00:23:17,560 Look, unless we get a skating rink, 484 00:23:17,643 --> 00:23:21,730 this school is not gonna ever get the blue ribbon. It's okay. 485 00:23:21,814 --> 00:23:24,275 We were all doing a great job teaching great students. 486 00:23:24,358 --> 00:23:25,609 Isn't that the most important thing? 487 00:23:25,693 --> 00:23:28,904 Are you kidding me? Honey, I already put a call in. 488 00:23:28,988 --> 00:23:32,491 To the district superintendent about starting a tiny little slush fund 489 00:23:32,575 --> 00:23:36,287 for a very beautiful new Morrison-Hensley ice rink. Yeah. 490 00:23:36,370 --> 00:23:39,081 - That would be awesome actually. - Yeah, and we'll take out the arts wing 491 00:23:39,165 --> 00:23:41,000 and this entire faculty parking lot. 492 00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:43,335 And we'll just have a couple of little Kristi Yamaguchis 493 00:23:43,419 --> 00:23:45,129 sliding around here in no time. 494 00:23:45,212 --> 00:23:47,006 Okay. - Sounds terrible. 495 00:23:47,089 --> 00:23:48,507 Evan, I need those lifts back. 496 00:23:48,591 --> 00:23:50,634 No, I'm gonna keep them. I'm starting to like them.