Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
My landlord keeps blocking my car and then I have to… Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. Keep going.
I'll meditate.
[Grant, on PA] This concludes our 10-minute morning meditation session.
Thank you all for participating. "Namasti!"
Namaste. He needs to learn how to say that.
As you all know, it's been a big couple of days.
And preparing for this state accreditation process has not been easy
but I am telling you that all that hard work is going to be so worth it.
So worth it when Morrison-Hensley finally moves up
from a four-star level to finally become a five-star, blue-ribbon institution.
Look, guys. I'm just going to say
I have long believed that Morrison-Hensley is the best school in the whole district.
And this is our chance. We're gonna show these accreditors
that we deserve the five stars for all the selfless work we do here.
Amazing, Evan. Yes, thank you. What Evan says.
- Plus we get a really cool plaque. - Hell yeah.
- Yeah, Markie.
Just wondering how we're supposed to explain to these accreditors
that praying to Buddha is now encouraged in this school.
No, Markie. No.
Markie, I assume you're talking about the meditation program.
Meditation is not "praying to Buddha."
It's literally just a stress management tool.
I mean, today it's meditation. Tomorrow the kids are shaving their heads
and wearing robes to school. What's next?
They're doing sacrificial orgies in the gym?
Please, enough. No arguing. Especially in front of the evaluators.
And, Markie. One more time.
The meditation break is not religious.
It's the students sitting and thinking. If that's religious, I'm the Pope.
He'd, low-key, be a solid Pope
- 'cause he doesn't have sex.
Markie, if you're so obsessed with prayer in school,
why don't you just go teach at a private school or a religious school?
I just want things to be fair, okay?
Either no prayers allowed or all prayers allowed, okay?
I'm talking about the weird stuff and the good old-fashioned normal kind.
It's not prayer. It is a stress management tool!
It's working on you, clearly.
- Oh, touché. Nice.
Are you stressed because of the accreditation?
No, no, no. I'm not stressed about that.
The evaluators always love me. If it's a woman, women love gay men.
If it's a gay guy, obviously that goes well.
And if it's a straight guy, then he doesn't want to seem homophobic,
so he either loves me, or he pretends to love me.
Oh, my God. You've gamed the system. I should become bi.
What's going on? I only have a second.
I have to meet my accreditor in the language lab
- in four… in three minutes. - Grant, Sir.
You know I would do anything for you, right?
I-I can't do this. I can't do the accreditation.
I can't deal with these people.
Oh, don't worry about that, Rick. Just be yourself.
No, I can't. You-You don't really… I-I can't.
When I'm under a microscope, I become a completely different person.
I get totally freaked out.
- Totally freaked out. - All right. All right, all right.
Hey, isn't today the day you have to be on the phone all day to colleges
about upcoming applications?
No, that was last month. Are you stupid?
Pretend. Get it?
You're very busy on the phone all day
and I'll smooth things over with your accreditor.
Oh, my God. You're the best, Grant.
I'm sorry I asked if you were stupid
- a few seconds ago. - That's all right.
Okay. Key themes. Lord of the Flies.
Mr. Marquez, Coach Hillridge wants to see you in the gymnasium.
Great.
Yeah, I'm honored to teach these kids.
Especially nowadays, their physical education gets overlooked.
How so?
Well, everybody wants their kids to study,
but a lot of these kids don't have the brains for it.
Most of 'em are going to end up doing physical labor their entire life.
Markie, what was so urgent? I-I… I have to get back to class.
You know my evaluator is about to be here.
Speaking of evaluators, Beverly Murphy, Evan Marquez.
- Hey, how are ya? So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
So, Bev here was just curious
- about what these students are up to. - Yes.
Yeah. And, uh, you know, I figured you could explain it better than I could.
That's what you brought me in here to ask me, Markie?
Well, this is very funny, Beverly, because, actually,
Markie knows what these students are doing.
- I do, I do. I… - It's something
we've talked about a lot but—
Mr. Marquez, why are you here talking to Coach Hillridge?
- Coach Hillridge called me here… - Talk, talk.
…to ask me about these students…
- I don't wanna know. - …what they were doing.
But let's all take a moment and enjoy and appreciate this brand-new gym floor
that was installed last year, which came in under budget.
Why don't you meditate on that, kids?
And that's why the movie Contact is so good.
Ethan, Ethan, with the laser pointer. Stop it.
Stop. If you do that again, I'm gonna call your dad, who is a cop.
- All right? End it.
Oh, yay! Okay, we have a special guest accreditor visiting.
His name is Mr. Collins. Yes! Let's give him a warm welcome.
- Brent. - Gwen.
- Hey, Brent Collins.
- You know what? I'll be right back. Okay.
Erica, tell him what we were just learning.
- What do you mean? When? - It's history.
You can pick any time. It's so crazy.
- Short King Spring, huh?
Golding explores the idea that a— - Evan. Sorry. Are you busy?
I'm in the middle of teaching a class.
Okay, well, we're all teaching. I need you.
Okay. I'll-I'll be right back, guys. Just a teacher thing.
- What's up? - Brent is my evaluator.
- Who? - The guy that I dumped and I ghosted.
Brent.
He's in my classroom.
You had no option. You had to ghost that guy.
All that stuff he had going on… you can't say that to somebody's face.
Yes. Of course.
I mean, what if he gives you a bad review?
Maybe you should ask for a different evaluator.
No, that'll make it a bigger deal than it already is. You know?
You know what? Just-Just focus on your teaching. It's gonna be fine.
- Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, that's it. - Yes.
- This is good. I love you. - It's gonna be okay. Okay.
Okay. Sorry, guys.
I took a minute talking to Ms. Sanders.
Uh… I don't know why my evaluator isn't here yet.
I'm here.
You-You? You're my evaluator?
Yes.
So-So they have students that do the evaluations as well?
Yes.
Okay. And you're totally trained
- to do this job and everything? - Yes.
Okay. Do you have a name?
Yes.
And what is the name?
- Sawyer. Sawyer.
Well, great.
Of course, I'm the one that gets stuck with the student evaluator.
This is crazy. She's staring at me while I'm trying to eat.
She probably wants to play with toys with you or something. She's a kid.
I completely froze in front of this girl.
I feel like they sent me a student just to throw me off my game.
Dude, you're right. They probably knew you had no experience with children.
Who are you even on the phone with right now?
No one, it's a fake call.
Grant said I could do this so that I don't have to be evaluated
- by one of those accreditors. - It's a good plan actually.
- It is so convincing. Right?
Doesn't it look like I'm on with CVS?
Now I'm gonna be the reason we don't get this blue ribbon.
Nope. I will be the reason we don't get the blue ribbon. I guarantee it.
I-I-I literally ghosted my accreditor.
Why do you even think there's bad blood?
Maybe he's just, like, overwhelmed seeing you again.
Remembering how lucky he is to have dated you in the first place, you know?
Damn, dude.
At least your evaluator is pretty cool, Markie.
I mean, she did seem a little weirded out by the meditation thing,
made her uncomfortable a little bit,
- you know? Is she dim?
Markie, you're uncomfortable. She's being normal.
Okay. Let me hit you with this brain tickler, all right?
What if a student was meditating but holding a Bible the whole time
instead of a meditation cube?
What is a meditation cube?
Stop it. This is my fault, isn't it?
I said, "Please don't argue about this one specific topic
for the next 24 hours." And now it's become your forbidden fruit, hasn't it?
Forbidden fruit. Heard that, Evan?
Like the apple of knowledge Eve plucked from the tree in the Garden of Eden, huh?
- Rick. Rick. Nah.
Cup your phone like it's so urgent you don't even
- have a moment for me. - Hang on one second.
My boss won't shut up. Wait, what?
Hmm? Huh?
I'm sorry. Are you actually on a call?
No, I'm doing what you told me to do.
Oh, good.
Anyway. So, blah, blah, blah.
Then they were saying no taxation
without representation and the tension was building
until the Boston Massacre!
Um, I probably shouldn't have shouted massacre because people died.
And that is a very serious thing, right, Brent?
So, we should probably write that down.
- What? - I just wanna make sure
you're… you're not misrepresenting what I said.
Not that you have any reason to make me look bad.
Well, why don't you just say what you mean
because saying what you mean is a lot better than saying nothing at all.
Okay, sorry. There's like a super heavy vibe in here.
A heavy vibe? - Yeah, that's the vibe.
Obviously you guys have picked up on the fact that I…
We have, we just, we knew each other. So, it is a little…
Damn. So, why'd you guys break up?
We're not gonna talk about this in a classroom setting. So…
You're the one that brought it up.
Actually, I… I wouldn't mind hearing this.
I mean, why did you break up with me, Miss Sanders?
Okay. So, the, um… What year did the American Re-Revolutionary War begin?
Not so fast, Miss Blouse.
- Two people in here need some healing. I don't need to heal. I'm fine.
I want you to say the truth.
Okay. You had bad breath. I…
I had tonsil stones. They're gone now.
- Okay. Well, you also had a stinky ass. - Oh!
And another thing, your dog was shitting in the bed, okay?
He was shitting and eating it. He was eating it.
He was mushing it into the wood floor and on the pillows.
It was everywhere, okay?
It-It-It all just felt a little gross to me.
And I didn't communicate it to you and I feel really, really bad. I'm sorry.
Well, I-I guess I'm just glad to finally hear you shoot me straight for once.
You know, I… I feel a lot of closure.
Great.
Fucking love closure.
- Really good class, everybody.
Wow, Mr. Marquez, you really made me want to read.
Thank you, Tina.
Yeah. That was some great teaching, Mr. Marquez.
Really reignited my interest in English.
Thanks so much, Jeff.
Great kids. They're always, like, telling me stuff like that.
Any thoughts so far?
Huh. Yeah.
Well, if you do have any feedback for me, just know I'm-I'm… I'm an open book.
I look forward to hearing
your teaching philosophy statement, Mr. Marquez.
Mmm, yeah. I look forward to-to… Wait, what?
Your report on your general worldview as an educator
at this evening's Accreditation Panel.
Grant, what is this? There's an Accreditation Panel tonight?
It's a new thing they're trying this year,
but don't worry, we've got some help from the parents' committee.
Well, actually one parent in particular.
What is all this stuff?
- This looks like a war room. - Yeah.
Grant. That copier is a hunk of junk.
You need to ditch the inkjet and hop on the toner train, honey.
Choo-choo.
- Yes, Linda. - Linda.
In the taut and gorgeous flesh. How are you, Mr. Marquez? Not well?
What are you doing here? Why-Why would you let her be part of this process?
Come on, Evan. We're on the same side here
- and Linda just— - No, we're not!
Yes, we do. Linda just wants to do everything she can
to help us get that blue ribbon.
Come on, Linda. For once in our lives,
let's just stand here and be honest with each other, okay?
What's really in it for you?
All right, fine. Cards, table.
I do own quite a few properties
- in this district. - There it is.
So, if the school gets a blue ribbon,
those property values are gonna go ahead and skyrocket.
The market will have to issue a code NSYNC.
- That's buy, buy, buy.
- Very noble intentions, Linda. As always. Come on, babe.
I know we've had our issues in the past
but the past is called the past because it happened in the past.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Don't act like you're not excited to have me on your side for once.
Okay, you know what?
If this is what it takes to get the blue ribbon,
then-then let's… let's do it. What do you have in mind?
Damn, this is some Sweeney Todd type shit. Oh. Be care… be careful.
All right, game faces, people. Attention.
Now group three is out there and they're killing it.
They're looking all like Riverdale teachers. Very sleek, very shiny.
Now, with y'all I started in a much frumpier spot
but I'm feeling okay now. How about y'all?
Yeah, I just sort think… Don't you… Does of any of this look okay to you?
I feel like I'm looking in the mirror and I've never looked better.
- Thank you. - Hmm. You told her about my… my thing?
Rick is feeling anxious about being scrutinized.
I-I-I can't take pressure. I turn into somebody I don't even recognize.
I get totally freaked out. Totally freaked out.
- Totally freaked out! - Stop freaking out, okay?
All you have to do is read what I've written for you
and you're gonna be fine, all right?
Now, that goes for all of y'all, okay?
Whatever y'all wrote for your teaching philosophy statements,
just throw it right out.
I have gathered intel, okay?
I have written statements that are specifically…
- Winston. - Mm-hmm.
- …that are specifically tailored… - Sorry.
…to each of your individual evaluators.
Markie? - Huh?
- Oh, my God. Hagrid goes to prom. Okay.
Now listen, your accreditor has a whole Facebook page
dedicated to how things aren't as good now as they were in the old days.
So, I'm gonna need you to hit that pretty hard.
- Gotcha. Now Grant.
Your gal is a fiend for facts and figures.
And I know you got this, my little nerd.
- Now, Gwen? - How can I help you, darling?
It seems like you and Brent patched things up.
Yeah, I think so. I think I did.
Honey, we're just gonna let the blush do the talking.
- This is just some Far Side cartoons. - Yeah.
Okay, Evan.
Now, your accreditor is a bit of a mystery still, but Winston's on it.
Is Winston making some kind of a short film or…
- Documentary feature. - Oh, it's a feature?
But what is important is, you are a 10 and a half, correct?
What's wrong with my shoes?
Nothing, but these will just give you a little lift.
Linda, I'm not wearing lifts in my shoes.
They are good enough for Tom Cruise.
Oh, let me guess. You think you're better than the goddamn star of Valkyrie.
Valkyrie is the first Tom Cruise movie you think of?
Sorry.
It's ribbon time, y'all.
"A one-room school house.
A three-mile walk through deep snow down to that humble red shack.
Don't we all just miss those simpler times?
- Back when a nickel could buy you a soda… Hmm.
…and no one was posting pictures of their dang meals either."
"Depicting growth trends with a connection
- between marching band participants…
…and high placement in AP chemistry."
And now I'd like to turn it over to Rick Santana.
Rick.
Please bear with him. He's a great guy and a great guidance counselor.
He's just not a big fan of public speaking.
Come on up, Rick. Come on up.
Smile.
Thank you, Grant, for your service and for your friendship.
You're a hard act to follow but I'll try my best.
Now, what if I told you
Morrison-Hensley High outperforms every school in the district.
Except by one metric which is per pupil budget allocation.
Whoa, Santana. What the heck are you talking about over here?
That's what this guy's thinking. Am I right?
I mean, either that or when's supper.
I'm just messing around, buddy. We're all adults.
What is going on? I'm not good at math…
- I… - …but who is…
When he said he's not himself under pressure,
I didn't know that he becomes someone better.
Take those numbers, put them together, shake them up,
add some love and make them add up to 100% college acceptance rate.
Can we dream it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I can't hear you. Can we dream it?
- Yeah. - Yes!
Hell, yo! Hey, yo. Hey, yo.
My name is Rick Santana and I want to thank you all for dreaming along with me.
What the hell was that, dude?
- How'd you know all that stuff? - I don't know. How long was I out for?
Okay, this is hot off the presses.
Your accreditor's mother died when she was very young.
- That's terrible, Linda. - It is.
It is, but it is also very useful.
- How is it useful? I don't wanna use that. - Evan,
we play the hand we're dealt, okay?
Now, this speech is a slam dunk. You're Shaq,
the audience is the hoop, and this girl's dead momma's the ball.
Lastly, our English department head. Evan Marquez.
Whoo!
Thank you.
Okay.
"Many of our students lack role models in their lives
and we are here to be adult role models.
To be the father that they never met or the mother who left them too soon."
I'm-I'm not… Sorry, I'm not doing this. This is wrong.
Not-Not just the speech but th-this whole… This whole accreditation thing is wrong.
Okay. Thank you, thank you very— - No, Grant. You don't need to shut me up
to-to get the approval of these random people.
You know, this-this-this bureaucracy,
this bullshit has been distracting me and my fellow teachers
from actually teaching all week.
We haven't been able to do our jobs, okay?
And this whole little song and dance we're doing
is just a charade orchestrated by Linda Harrison.
A-A power hungry, greedy woman who is only in it for herself.
She wants to raise real estate prices
so that her rich sons will be richer one day
and she can somehow find a new way to drag me through hell.
That is not true. Y'all know me.
If you want to know that this is all fake, let me show you something. Watch this.
That's real. That's my real height, people.
So, if you can't tell that this school is an amazing place full of amazing people
then there's nothing that I can say in some speech
that's gonna convince you of that. You just have to know it and we know it.
So, we don't need your approval. Thank you.
Good job, queen.
Well, free expression is a very important part of this, um…
Why don't we all take a break?
And while you guys eat, I'll sing a little bit of the national anthem.
Oh, you are a piece of work, Marquez.
You want to take me down so bad
you're willing to take the whole school down with me.
Linda, nothing I said in there was untrue. I stand by every word I said.
But you know you'll never get me, right?
I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to do what's right.
Ow. Oh, my God! Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. My nipple.
It wasn't supposed to tickle.
You okay?
Yeah, I don't know, man. I shouldn't have said any of that stuff.
I feel… Am I, like, insane?
I mean, I think it. I think it two or three times a week.
- But, you know, you just got a big heart. - [groans, sighs]
- Yeah. - Excuse me, gentlemen,
can I talk to you privately?
I just need to say something to you about this whole meditation program.
- What about it? - You know, I was a little concerned
at first but then I realized what you were doing.
Meditation is the perfect way to bring real prayer back into school.
- Oh. - Hmm.
That's n— People like us,
we've got to stick together. So, let's join hands.
- Okay. Yeah.
We're gonna do a prayer, I see. Yeah.
Lord, please protect these young soldiers of your divine word
who are trying and doing all they can to return prayer to its rightful place.
- Mmm. - And Lord,
please protect these young students' minds from the temptations of Satan.
And their deviant lifestyle choices
including adultery and men lying down with men.
- Amen. Thank you so much. - Amen. Amen. That was so beautiful.
We'll see you in there, Bev.
- Hey, Gwen. Hey.
You look like a Flintstone.
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry about everything today in the classroom with the kids and…
Thank you for saying that.
- No, thank you. - Also, I'm really sorry for ghosting you.
- It was immature of me to do that. - No, no, no, it was—
- That was crazy. - No, it was perfect
because the whole time we were dating I was like,
"Sarah or Gwen, Sarah or Gwen."
And you know, you ghosted me
so, I'm married to Sarah and you know, we're great, so…
You were dating somebody else?
- Yes, her name's Sarah. - Yeah, I got that. Jesus!
I hope Sarah dies.
- That's my wife. - Whatever, dude.
- Uh, excuse me.
Hi, could I get everyone's attention for just a moment?
Let me get a fry, dog.
After much deliberation
- and your moving teacher statements today… - [sighs, groans]
…regardless of how ill-advised one of them may have been.
We have decided to award Morrison-Hensley High School with the rating of…
- four stars. - Le' go!
Rick, that's not good. We wanted the blue ribbon.
Thank you so much for having us here today and best of luck next time.
Excuse me? Excuse me, if I could just say a few words before we go.
- Who's that little guy? - I wanted to be clear about something.
The truth is there was no way we were going to give Morrison-Hensley
- the blue ribbon. What?
Ex-Excuse me. Exc… What do you mean there was no way?
Wh-What were we supposed to do to get the blue ribbon?
You basically need an ice skating rink.
Oh.
In Texas?
Also, I would like to just add.
The fact that Mr. Marquez is constantly taken out of the classroom
to help other teachers with their problems signifies that he's well-trusted,
well-liked and instrumental to the daily operations of the school.
That's very nice, Sawyer. Thank you.
Also, Miss Linda, we don't take height into consideration for our evaluations.
How's your mom?
You really fucked me with that speech, didn't you?
And no, this little cat and mouse game between us
is not erotic for me at all, Evan.
I'll remind you that I'm married
and you're the gayest man that's ever lived.
Look, the girl told us that we were going to be stuck at four stars no matter what.
So, wh-why are you still blaming me? It wasn't my fault.
Becau… It doesn't change your intent. Intent is nine-tenths of the law.
That's what Dale always said.
That's what's gotten him out of most of his financial trouble.
I don't even have my gun in there. I don't know why I'm looking.
Look, unless we get a skating rink,
this school is not gonna ever get the blue ribbon. It's okay.
We were all doing a great job teaching great students.
Isn't that the most important thing?
Are you kidding me? Honey, I already put a call in.
To the district superintendent about starting a tiny little slush fund
for a very beautiful new Morrison-Hensley ice rink. Yeah.
- That would be awesome actually. - Yeah, and we'll take out the arts wing
and this entire faculty parking lot.
And we'll just have a couple of little Kristi Yamaguchis
sliding around here in no time.
Okay. - Sounds terrible.
Evan, I need those lifts back.
No, I'm gonna keep them. I'm starting to like them.