Okay, everyone. Settle down.
Mr. Marquez showing up at the nick of time, per usual.
Okay, so speaking of on time, pizzas will be here at 9:00 p.m.
- and lock-in lights out 11:00 p.m. Whoo!
11:00 p.m. for the Morrison-Hensley Dragons?
- That is crazy. - I say midnight!
- No way. - Midnight! Midnight!
Midnight! Midnight! Midnight! Midnight! Midnight!
Just make it midnight. It's always midnight.
Yeah, no shit, dude. This is just part of the fun. Watch.
Okay. Okay. You win. Midnight it is.
- I did that!
And if you don't have your checklist for the big lock-in scavenger hunt,
I have extras right here.
All right, so let's keep the fun at a ten,
and the horseplay and the grab-ass to a minimum.
And whoever's shoe that is, give it back to him.
I'd actually like both of them back, please.
- Really? - Oh, shit.
- I don't know how people do this. - Do what?
Like, stay up this late. I woke up at five to go to Barry's.
My body at 9:00 p.m. is, like, out.
- Malcolm texting. - Malcolm. I can't. I can't right now.
He wants to have these long relationship conversations all the time lately.
I'm just gonna talk to him tomorrow.
All right. Let's vote on 2025 Academic Achievement Awards.
Rick, let's just do this Monday.
No, Grant gave me this task in confidence, so we're gonna get it done.
- Plus, it'll take ten minutes tops. - That's not true.
All the various teachers have put in their final selections.
All we need to do is rubber-stamp it and boom, we're done.
Ugh, I love it. It's like a conclave. Close the door! Lower the blinds!
- I'm trying to have fun.
Yeah, I'm having fun.
Okay, I hereby and forthwith call this meeting to order.
First up, Spanish Award.
But if… Wait. We are giving these awards to the students that are the best, right?
Yes, that's the definition of an award.
Yeah, okay, man. But there's been a lot of backsliding in regards
to these awards in the past few years.
Like Terry Troutman, he's already gonna get the award in English and in Physics,
but does he deserve the award in History too? Yeah, he does.
But here's the thing, we got to give it to the second-best History student,
so everyone feels included.
Yeah, but Terry Troutman was a genius.
Terry Troutman is a made-up name I was using as an example.
Oh, fuck.
My point is meritocracy.
- We agree. I agree. Meritocracy. - We all agree with you.
- Go ahead, Rick. - Let's go.
Okay. First up, Spanish Award.
With a 94.5 average, the top candidate is Maria Gonzalez. All in favor?
- Good. Aye. - Aye. Yep, give it to her.
Well, hold on, hold on. Look, I know this girl, okay. I know her parents.
We all… They're Mexican Americans.
- Oh, he's using Mexican American now? - It's fine she's Mexican American.
- That is not the issue. - We know that's fine.
- I am that. - Should we be giving her an award
for something she's been doing since she was a baby?
That's like giving you an award for whining.
You're breaking your own meritocracy rule immediately.
- I don't know. He's not totally wrong. - Thank you, Gwen.
No, he is totally wrong.
Markie, you're being annoying. You're acting like Evan acts.
First of all, I can be far more annoying than this.
Is this a thing you guys are saying now? That I'm annoying? I'm not annoying.
Dude, you're annoying.
Listen, I love you, but let me just make a point real quick.
A Mexican girl winning a Spanish Award, it's not cheating,
but it's definitely an unfair advantage.
Gwen, you're being annoying. You're acting like Evan too.
Give the prize
to Maria Gonzalez, please.
I move to say no. White women, am I right?
Hey. Mr. Marquez, can we take a photo of you?
- It's for the scavenger hunt. - Okay.
Well, you guys just keep going without me.
No, that would be malfeasance.
- What the hell? - Okay, that's one demerit on malfeasance.
I want them to take a picture with me.
I still think we should give the award to someone else.
You're the one who said this year it's all about meritocracy.
I didn't expect a special case to come in this soon.
Shit. That's some good wood, man.
- It's mahogany. - Oh, my God. It's like 12 Angry Men.
There's only four of us.
One, two, three, cheese. - Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Okay, Spanish Award for what's-her-name. I vote yes.
- Did you… Did you just see that? - Did I see what?
The two girls? They just… They flashed the camera when you took the picture.
- They had flash on? - No, no. No, no.
They flashed. They flashed the camera.
- No. - Am I dreaming?
- Did you guys see that? You're welcome.
Right? - Wait, let me check this list again.
Maybe I put something on here that was misinterpreted.
Hang on! We're in the middle of voting. All in favor, say aye.
- Aye. - Aye.
- Nay. - No.
- Oh, my God. - Deadlock. Okay, hmm…
Let's just, uh, table this one and circle back to it at the end.
- Hold on, this is very weird. - What do you mean?
There's no take a picture of a teacher on this scavenger hunt.
- Okay. - Oh, fuck.
It's an unofficial scavenger hunt.
Okay. Next up, Physics Award.
I don't think you realize how serious this is.
Do you guys remember that Cedar Park did an unofficial scavenger hunt?
- I heard about that shit. - They do crazy shit on those lists.
Like five students got suspended right before graduation.
Maybe teachers could get fired.
They're not doing an unofficial scavenger hunt.
You are so paranoid about the students.
I can prove it. In the unofficial scavenger hunts that I've heard of,
there's one thing that they always do.
I mean, technically we don't know this
had anything to do with the unofficial scaven—
Come on, man. What more proof do you need here?
I honestly think this could be anything.
Whenever there's a dirty scavenger hunt, this is the top of the list, for sure.
Like, I get it doing this to an opposing team's field,
but to do it to your own field is insane.
- That is depraved. Evan, come on. - You're right.
- Ugh! - What? What? Where are we going?
- We gotta go to the roof, come on. - To the roof? For what?
And I'm gonna go gather intel on this.
Wait. Hang on. Guys, we need to be smart about this and remember our priorities.
What? - Physics Award.
- What the f… No. - Wait, no. I have to go figure this out.
- Let's just do it inside. - No, wait.
- Physics Award is an interesting one. - How's it interesting? Go.
Well, for the first time in ten years, we have a female student right up there
at the top for the Physics Award.
You know what could solve that conundrum? Actual physics.
Is she at the top or at the bottom? Where is she?
Well, technically there's a male student who is 0.25 points above her,
so it's a virtual tie.
But a girl winning the Physics Award would be
a huge boost for our women in STEM initiative.
Gwen, a little help, please?
No. I'm not just voting yes because she's a woman.
We said merit-based voting, so no. No.
I'm voting yes. I think it's good for a girl to get it. Yes.
Yes. Deadlock. Tie. It's a tie. We'll circle back to this one at the end.
Okay, so next up is the Calculus Award.
Come inside, and maybe we'll think about the Calculus Award.
Guys! I hereby move that we take a ten-minute break, and I motion that.
So, I hereby… Get over here!
Teenage boys love the roof. I don't know what it is, but it's a guarantee.
Yeah, when I was a kid, I always wanted to go on the roof, but I never did.
Why not?
I don't know. People said it was really dangerous.
Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess that's part of the allure.
Yeah.
Personally, I come up here to think. Speaking of, uh, got a question for you.
Sure, what's up?
Where do you go to church?
Um…
- I don't. - Like ever? That's just crazy to me, man.
I didn't even know that was allowed. But then what are you doing on Sunday?
On Sunday, I'm just trying to avoid going to brunch.
And that takes all day? That's your whole day?
Brunch is like church in the gay community.
And I don't go to that church either.
Wow, man.
Here we go. Look. Right here.
Hey! Hey! No, not tonight, boys. Back it up. Beep, beep, beep.
- Be careful going down the stairs! - Aw, shit.
All right, roof is cleared. Perimeter secured. Back to business.
- God. - What's that?
The unofficial scavenger hunt. It's way worse than I imagined.
- Where'd you get that? - Why do you care about where I got it?
The more important thing is, what is milkdudding?
- You don't want to know, Red. - What is milkdudding?
- You don't want to know, King. - Here, give me this, let me see.
It's so bad.
"Make out with the person you hated most freshman year." Kind of sweet.
"Take an Erlenmeyer flask from the science lab and turn it into a bong."
I mean, that's a trade right there.
Okay, you guys are not really taking this seriously.
Do you see this one? "Flash your boobs in a picture with a teacher."
Mmm… - Guess what teacher they got doing that?
I don't even want to get into the sex stuff on that list.
We need help. I need to get help.
Look at this, "Lick the middle urinal in the downstairs boys' bathroom."
That's demonic.
And again, you do not want to know what this is,
but there it is in black and white.
- "Get milkdudded." - What is milkdudding?
Okay. - You tell us.
- Why would I know? - Come on.
- Gay dudes… - Gay dudes.
…get up to all kinds of silly shit in the sack, right?
Not milkdudding.
Okay. So even y'all draw the line somewhere.
Thank you so much. Please hurry. Yeah.
Who is that? Who were you on the phone with?
You're not gonna like it.
Thank God you're here, Sharon.
We'll thank me when this is over. What's the brief?
Okay, so we've got about 60 students on lock-in and we found this.
- Jesus Christ. Jesus. - I know.
- You did the right thing calling me. - Yeah.
Wow. I like that.
I like that.
The things on this list I couldn't get my husband to do if I begged him.
Oh.
I mean, hands and knees, begged him on all fours.
Oof. Yeah. What do we do?
Let's get the team together.
The teach… My teachers? The teachers?
- Cavalry's here. - Oh, my God.
- Yep. - Oh, hey.
You brought Sharon?
You guys got yourselves a real shit sandwich here.
I don't think I would call it a shit sandwich, but—
No, it's on the list. It's "Make and serve a real shit sandwich."
- I have done that before. - That's hardly the worst of it.
"Tattoo your best friend's initials on your butt."
It's not that bad.
Yeah, that seems fine.
Most of the stuff on this list are for sheer shock value.
Stuff so extreme, no one would actually do them.
Like barf in your friend's mouth.
Or "hook up with a redhead." But a tattoo is for life.
- Yeah, I guess. I guess.
- I know. - Mmm, yeah.
Think we need to get out here. Do a little drive-by.
- Yeah, let's do it, Sharon.
- Rick, you didn't text me back. - Oh, sorry.
- Gwen. Bye.
Wait, Gwen, before you go.
Calculus Award, top candidate is Ellen Anderson with a 78%.
- Aye. - Aye.
Isn't a 78% a C+?
Calculus is really hard, so I think a 78 is basically like 100.
You know what, I'm siding with Rick on this one.
We're supposed to be giving these awards for excellence,
not just for whoever is the least mediocre.
Okay, so who are you gonna give the Calculus Award to?
Okay, that's 2-2. We're in a deadlock, so let's just—
- Table it and circle back to it later? - Good idea.
God. If we table everything and circle back to it later,
we're going to be here till 2:00 a.m.
Well then just stop fighting and vote on something.
What time is it? I can't even keep my eyes open.
It's 10:45, you sleepy hoe.
You're gonna be here all night, dude. It's a lock-in.
Rick, you're my proxy, okay.
All in favor of Rick being my proxy, say aye.
That would be a malfeasance.
Did you see Gwen, by the way, when she's passionate like that? Her eyes, man.
- I don't like that. Ugh.
- Oh, Jesus.
What is this shit?
Ugh.
Hey, babe.
I swear I'm not avoiding you, Malcolm. I'm just tired.
Why do you always want to have these talks at night?
Why can't we talk about this in the morning?
Because I wake up in an amazing mood every morning.
I want to, like, come and listen to birds.
I don't want to talk about, like, deep shit.
Can I just remind you, I could be in Berlin right now,
like, surrounded by guys who would love to stay up all night talking to me.
Yeah, but those guys are on meth, Malcolm.
I don't care what the reason is, as long as they're listening.
Just let me finish my work here, and then tomorrow we can talk about all of this.
Work? You're a chaperone at a lock-in.
Your job is to, like, eat pizza and confiscate vapes.
By the way, if there are vapes that come in that aren't berry flavored,
please give them to me.
Oh, God. I can't do this anymore, baby. I can't do this anymore.
What? Are… Are you breaking up with me?
No, I'm not breaking up… I'm saying I can't do this anymore.
Okay.
I can't just pace up and down this hallway and talk about our relationship.
This is not normal.
Well, then what is normal, diva? Come on, like, just talk to me.
Like, why aren't you taking advantage of our open relationship?
And why aren't you getting more jealous of how much advantage I'm taking?
Because it's, like, a lot. Like, two advantages a day.
And why don't you ever want to go to brunch with me?
My God, I am begging you, please just stop asking me questions.
Why do you want me to stop asking you questions?
Go home, Malcolm. - Evan!
Ms. Sanders, we were just joking.
It was, like, the funniest thing that we could think of.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You think this is funny? Does this feel funny right now?
- Kinda, yeah. - Yeah.
Do we think this is funny, Sharon?
Look, I get it.
It's fun to be shocking.
We all get a little thrill when we're pushing the envelope, breaking taboos,
but we all know that we can't do that sort of thing here in school, yeah?
We actually weren't gonna do any of that stuff.
Most of you guys are going to college next year, yeah?
Exactly. And-And can you imagine if we reported this
- and this is what was on your transcripts? - I got this, Gwen.
Yeah.
And when you get to college,
you will be encountering so much stuff that will make this list…
Show it to 'em.
…look like an Easter egg hunt.
My mom told me that if anyone was ever mean to me, I should call her.
Huh.
Don't sass her.
Let me put it to you like this. You think that milkdudding is bad?
Have you ever heard of a little thing called "Load Twins?"
Okay. Okay, Sharon.
- "Tarantula Head?" Hmm? No.
"Flip Flop Fuck?" We can learn them all tonight.
- I can't do that. - Where do we start? Alphabetically?
- They got it. They got it. - A. Ass up.
Okay. Not that. We're good. We're good, Sharon.
I just like, the more we don't talk about our relationship,
the more I strongly feel that we need to talk about it.
Hey, are you even listening? What's going on?
Malcolm, can we please just talk about this
in the light of day when I can function?
Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's—Let's have brunch tomorrow.
Oh, God. Does it have to be brunch?
Are you, like, the most annoying person alive? I can't. You're…
Do you realize this is serious to me?
It's, like, not about fucking brunch. I get the hint. I'm going.
No, no, no. Don't go. I love you.
Marquez! - Oh, my God. What?
What are you doing, buddy?
I'm just tired. Why does nobody understand or care that I'm tired?
We are deep cover educators breaking up an illegal student scavenger hunt ring.
- Come on. Come on. - Okay. Okay.
Let's get some coffee in you, and catch some troublemakers.
So boys are wearing homemade condoms with lead pellets in it
to make their penises swing back and forth.
What's a homemade condom?
- Oh, my God. - And they call it "Liberty Belling."
Are you making this up right now?
Ms. Sharon, we're no doing the scavenger hunt anymore.
- Yeah, yeah. We're done. We're done. Great.
- Young woman gets dropped off at the ER… - Yes.
- Oh, I thought you were talking to me. - …literally foaming at the mouth.
Ew. - Lead poisoning.
The doctor took one look at her and said, "Liberty Belling. Call the priest."
- Five minutes later, she was dead. - No.
- So was the priest. Oh, my God.
What happened to the priest? - Okay, so—
But the worst thing that you can do, the absolute worst thing that you could do…
- Oh, my God. - …is get a tattoo.
- Those other things sound much worse. - Mm-hmm.
A tattoo is a self-inflicted mark of the beast, and it lasts your whole life.
- Doesn't Ms. Jennifer have a tattoo? - She's a whore.
- Wait, what? - Who's the beast?
Okay, can I see that picture that you took of Mr. Marquez
because it could get him fired.
Wait, is that what this is about? The cute one with the crop tops?
- Oh, my God. I… - It's not even that bad.
- We chickened out. That's actually mild.
That's what you called me in here for? Really?
This is why I brought her in. Now go have a fun sleepover.
Unless we want to study a little bit more. I have a pamphlet.
- You don't have to tell us. - Real easy to follow.
We can just run through each one of them.
- Let's start with "Load Twins." - Can I go home?
Sorry I was making jokes about your church questions earlier.
It's all good, buddy.
I know you make jokes when you're uncomfortable.
I do too.
Why'd you want to know where I went to church?
Well, I've been going to, like, the same church
since I was a kid really my whole life, you know.
And like, look, don't…don't bust my chops too hard on this. All right, just…
No, no, no. I won't. You can talk.
So I go because it helps me get my head right, you know what I mean?
Like, it… I feel connected to something, like,
bigger than me, more than me. I don't know.
I guess in your terms it would be like the cosmic equivalent of like,
- a weekly personal pride parade. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think I get it.
But, like, lately I feel like it just doesn't speak to me anymore.
Wow, that's very heavy, Markie.
I know.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you have somebody you can talk to about it?
I mean, you. I'm talking to you right now.
That's sweet. No, I mean, do you have a therapist or something?
I mean, I had this one pastor, but he kind of left.
And the new guy, I just don't feel like I can talk to really.
I just don't feel like we're speaking the same language.
It's tough. I wish I knew what to tell you.
You ain't got to tell me shit, bud. Just listening is enough.
Hey, Johnson. Knock off the grab-ass, or I'll soup-can your nuts, okay? Seriously.
I'm trying to figure out what that expression means.
Okay, guys. So for the Biology Award…
- Yes, aye. - Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.
It's a no.
The kid got a 98 in bio. Why is this even a question?
He literally ate a dissection frog to freak some girls out.
- People eat frogs. Frog legs. - I think he's earned it.
Wow, another deadlock. What are the odds?
- Okay, next up, Art Award. - Art, art, art.
Ooh, sorry. That has to go to Kathy Simmons.
Kathy Simmons isn't even in the top ten.
She's the one who gave me the unofficial scavenger hunt list.
I told her that she'd win the Art Award if she gave it to me.
Okay. I hereby declare that a malfeasance.
Rick, it's art! It is subjective. Just give the girl the award.
- Who gives a shit? - Art's… It is subjective.
- It's going to Kathy Simmons. Case closed. - Whatever. Moving on.
- Grant, what are you doing? Are you okay? - Whoa! Boss man.
I'm fine. I'm fine. Is this the finalist list?
I called Grant, told him we might need a tiebreaker
because we're deadlocked on nine out of ten of the awards, that's so bad.
- Oh, my gosh. - I still forgot my readers,
- so I'm gonna have to wing this. - Copy that.
All right, let's give the Calculus Award to Anderson,
low average but from a tough grader.
Spanish Award to Maria Gonzalez, yes, she speaks it at home,
but she read the entirety of Don Quixote in its original Spanish.
That's going above and beyond.
Let's give the Physics Award to Amy Heyward.
Williams is a half point higher, but you know, women in STEM.
Let's also do this, and this, do this, and do this, and this.
The Art Award to Kathy Simmons, that's a weird choice,
but you know what, who am I to question the democratic process?
All right, good. Done and done.
- All right. - All right. Anything else?
This is how a real pro does it.
Just put a towel on him, or a blanket, or something.
He's cold. All right, good night, all.
We did it. Congrats guys. Travel safe, and text me when you get home.
Oh, wait, we have to be here till the morning. Fuck.
You know, Sharon, I'm just wondering,
considering there's so many crazy things on that unofficial scavenger hunt,
I'm so curious why you think that getting a tattoo is the worst thing.
'Cause it is. Trust me.
What do you got there?
Oh, wow. Circuit City. Circuit City.
Yeah, I just freaking loved Circuit City. The TVs were under $1000.
You know, TVs are even cheaper now.
Where?
Look, it's embarrassing, okay. I never even let my husband see this.
Your husband hasn't seen it? So how do you guys—
We do it exclusively doggy style.
I don't know why I asked that. So stupid, so personal.
- Sometimes, double reverse doggy style. - Mm-hmm.
- Ever heard of it, Gwen? - Mm-mm.
Wanna know what "Load Twins" are?
You know what, I gotta sleep, Sharon. You're the best.
- Thank you so much. - One guy. Two girls.
Two pregnancies from the same orgasm.
- Two babies, Gwen. One load. Load Twins.
- Markie. - Yeah?
The reason this church isn't speaking to you anymore
is because they're literally not even speaking English.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God…
I know, okay? The neighborhood has changed over the past ten years.
There's a whole kimchi aisle at Piggly Wiggly now. A whole aisle.
I mean, you know, you could just go to a different church.
Nope. I can't understand a thing they're saying, but they're really nice people.
Yeah.
Plus I'm on the Meals on Wheels committee, you know what I'm saying?
They need my truck. They need it. A lot of meals, not enough wheels.
- Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
Let us all stand and greet one another.
Hi! - Ah.
Nice to see you again, Markie.
Goodbye, Mr. Choi. Goodbye, Mrs. Choi.
I'm practicing. Yeah, I'm… this man my friend, Evan-san.
- Uh, honorable teacher. - Oh, my God.