1 00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:54,993 Why didn't you call me? 2 00:00:55,244 --> 00:00:57,493 Ali, what am I supposed to do about Jules? 3 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,119 It's funny. When I think about it, 4 00:01:01,202 --> 00:01:02,910 I still blame Jules for all this shit. 5 00:01:02,993 --> 00:01:04,451 Why? I was clean, 6 00:01:04,535 --> 00:01:06,535 and I was, like, gonna stay clean. 7 00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:08,660 And for the most part, I was pretty happy. 8 00:01:10,077 --> 00:01:11,493 And fucking Jules. 9 00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:13,827 It's like she lied to me, 10 00:01:15,827 --> 00:01:17,119 and, uh, manipulated me. 11 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,535 Talking about how we're gonna be together forever. 12 00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:21,868 And then, she ditched me. 13 00:01:22,077 --> 00:01:23,202 I didn't know that. 14 00:01:25,035 --> 00:01:26,743 Like the whole thing at the train station. 15 00:01:26,827 --> 00:01:28,910 Her trying to get me to run away with her. 16 00:01:29,576 --> 00:01:31,910 Please. I love you. 17 00:01:34,493 --> 00:01:36,369 I didn't think she was actually gonna go. 18 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,910 - You know, like leave me. 19 00:01:55,868 --> 00:01:57,868 So, where do you want to start? 20 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,451 I don't know. 21 00:02:05,535 --> 00:02:07,576 Okay. Why'd you run away? 22 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:49,035 Can we not talk about that? 23 00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:51,369 Why? 24 00:04:54,077 --> 00:04:56,035 I don't know. 'Cause it was just like a, 25 00:04:56,119 --> 00:04:59,202 like a dumb, not-well-thought-out plan, 26 00:04:59,285 --> 00:05:03,119 and I was, like, drunk and reacting to shit. 27 00:05:04,993 --> 00:05:06,369 Reacting to what? 28 00:05:10,618 --> 00:05:12,493 Come on, I, I really... 29 00:05:12,576 --> 00:05:14,743 don't wanna talk about it. 30 00:05:15,952 --> 00:05:17,327 Okay. 31 00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:19,618 What do you want to talk about? 32 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:29,535 I think I want to go off my hormones. 33 00:05:31,327 --> 00:05:34,119 Mm. Okay. 34 00:05:36,451 --> 00:05:39,618 Have you been thinking a lot about de-transitioning? 35 00:05:40,535 --> 00:05:41,910 No. 36 00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:44,119 Okay. Then what is it? 37 00:05:45,202 --> 00:05:47,077 I don't know. I've just been, like, 38 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,285 thinking about what's next. 39 00:05:51,327 --> 00:05:52,952 In what sense? 40 00:05:53,785 --> 00:05:57,244 I mean... 41 00:05:57,327 --> 00:06:00,701 I don't know. I guess it's— I guess it's interesting, 42 00:06:00,785 --> 00:06:03,451 'cause, like, before I ran away, 43 00:06:03,535 --> 00:06:08,618 uh, I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and... 44 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,244 we were having this exact conversation. 45 00:06:12,327 --> 00:06:13,827 And... 46 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:16,993 Basically, um... 47 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,035 I feel like I've framed 48 00:06:22,119 --> 00:06:27,077 my entire womanhood around men. 49 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,202 When, like, in reality, 50 00:06:29,285 --> 00:06:31,369 I'm no longer interested in men. 51 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,493 Like, philosophically. 52 00:06:34,576 --> 00:06:37,576 Like, like, what men want. 53 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:41,660 Like, what men want is so boring. 54 00:06:41,743 --> 00:06:46,576 And simple, and not creative, and, like, uh... 55 00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:48,993 I just, like, I look at myself, and I'm like, 56 00:06:49,077 --> 00:06:52,451 how the fuck did I spend my entire life 57 00:06:52,535 --> 00:06:55,701 building this. Like... 58 00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:59,244 Like, my body, and my personality, 59 00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:02,910 and, like, my soul around 60 00:07:02,993 --> 00:07:05,576 what I think men desire? 61 00:07:08,244 --> 00:07:09,910 It's just, like... 62 00:07:09,993 --> 00:07:11,701 it's embarrassing. 63 00:07:13,202 --> 00:07:16,535 I feel like a... a fraud. 64 00:07:19,451 --> 00:07:20,952 I feel like there's a lot to unpack 65 00:07:21,035 --> 00:07:22,576 within what you just said, okay, 66 00:07:22,660 --> 00:07:24,660 but the main thing I heard, 67 00:07:24,743 --> 00:07:27,077 is how hard you are on yourself. 68 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,035 The amount of self-criticism you're experiencing, 69 00:07:30,119 --> 00:07:31,493 it's a lot. 70 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,035 Yeah. 71 00:07:34,952 --> 00:07:37,660 But I, I think it's necessary. 72 00:07:37,743 --> 00:07:39,369 Are you sure? 73 00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:43,202 I mean, I hope so. 74 00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:45,827 Or else, 75 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:48,785 then I'm really fucking crazy. 76 00:07:50,910 --> 00:07:53,035 You're not crazy, Jules. 77 00:07:53,119 --> 00:07:56,743 You're just a lot harder on yourself than you probably should be. 78 00:07:59,285 --> 00:08:01,451 Yeah. 79 00:08:01,535 --> 00:08:03,618 Acknowledging that's important. 80 00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:09,035 Yeah, but, but also, like, what I'm saying is true. 81 00:08:09,119 --> 00:08:14,244 Like, without the self-criticism, I'd be lost. 82 00:08:15,202 --> 00:08:16,785 Or free. 83 00:08:18,576 --> 00:08:20,785 Both can be scary feelings. 84 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:27,660 You really feel like your entire existence, 85 00:08:27,743 --> 00:08:31,285 physically and emotionally, is, is that reactive? 86 00:08:32,202 --> 00:08:33,493 What do you mean? 87 00:08:33,576 --> 00:08:36,285 That I'm not looking or talking to Jules? 88 00:08:36,369 --> 00:08:40,618 I'm looking at an avatar she created in reaction to the world? 89 00:08:40,701 --> 00:08:44,327 Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. You know. 90 00:08:44,410 --> 00:08:48,618 But you're looking at, like, a million layers of other people 91 00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:50,327 that I've grabbed and clung to 92 00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:52,868 throughout my entire life. 93 00:08:52,952 --> 00:08:55,618 That's, like, that's terrifying. 94 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,244 It— I mean, that's why I think 95 00:08:57,327 --> 00:09:00,701 when I was talking to my friend about this, or... 96 00:09:01,535 --> 00:09:02,660 Or... 97 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,660 Well, I don't, I don't know. I guess this is, like, 98 00:09:05,743 --> 00:09:07,327 this is our first session. 99 00:09:07,410 --> 00:09:10,701 I don't want to get into all, like, the childhood bullshit, 100 00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:13,077 'cause it's a lot. 101 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,160 It's exhausting. 102 00:09:15,244 --> 00:09:18,868 But when I was having this conversation with my friend, 103 00:09:18,952 --> 00:09:21,244 we were talking about how, 104 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,160 I feel like 105 00:09:23,244 --> 00:09:29,369 my entire life, I've been trying to conquer femininity, 106 00:09:29,451 --> 00:09:33,785 and somewhere along the way, 107 00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:36,410 I feel like femininity 108 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,327 conquered me. 109 00:09:48,785 --> 00:09:50,202 What? 110 00:09:51,369 --> 00:09:53,035 What was that thought? 111 00:09:54,119 --> 00:09:55,451 Well... 112 00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,493 Like... 113 00:09:59,576 --> 00:10:02,119 Most girls, when you first talk to them, 114 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:07,285 they, like, automatically analyze and compare themselves to you. 115 00:10:07,369 --> 00:10:09,618 And then, you know, they, they search for where you fit 116 00:10:09,701 --> 00:10:11,202 in their hierarchy, 117 00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:15,451 and then they treat you accordingly. 118 00:10:15,535 --> 00:10:17,119 What hierarchy? 119 00:10:17,202 --> 00:10:22,576 Like, how close you are to what they all collectively want to be. 120 00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:24,535 Like, in their heads. 121 00:10:25,202 --> 00:10:26,952 Right. 122 00:10:27,035 --> 00:10:29,493 And, you know, even if they've, like, mastered 123 00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:33,493 the art of hiding it with, like, smiles and nods, 124 00:10:33,576 --> 00:10:35,493 and small talk, it's, like, 125 00:10:35,576 --> 00:10:37,827 you'd still catch them doing it. 126 00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:41,202 Like, like their eyes wandering over your face, or... 127 00:10:41,285 --> 00:10:45,244 or, you know, the quick takes up and down your body. 128 00:10:45,327 --> 00:10:49,035 Or like, they watch how your clothes hang off your torso, 129 00:10:49,119 --> 00:10:52,993 or, like, they look for what tags are on your clothes 130 00:10:53,077 --> 00:10:57,327 to see where you shop, or they'll watch your hands to find, like, 131 00:10:57,410 --> 00:11:01,576 fucked-up cuticles or chipped nail polish. 132 00:11:03,576 --> 00:11:05,202 Honestly, it would, 133 00:11:05,285 --> 00:11:07,202 it would be a kind of sensual experience 134 00:11:07,285 --> 00:11:10,451 if it wasn't so fucking terrifying. 135 00:11:12,827 --> 00:11:15,119 So they want to find flaws. 136 00:11:16,618 --> 00:11:19,285 Yeah. Uh, most girls. 137 00:11:19,952 --> 00:11:21,785 But not Rue. 138 00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:27,160 Mm-mm. 139 00:11:29,618 --> 00:11:32,493 What's the first thing that comes to mind? 140 00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:49,160 No girl had ever looked at me the way Rue did. 141 00:11:57,369 --> 00:11:58,868 Hi. 142 00:12:01,993 --> 00:12:05,701 I just, I feel like Rue was the first girl 143 00:12:05,785 --> 00:12:09,035 that didn't just look at me. 144 00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:13,701 Like, she actually saw me. 145 00:12:13,785 --> 00:12:16,576 Uh, I mean, not to say that in, like, a cheesy way, 146 00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:18,993 'cause it sounds cheesy, right? Like... 147 00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:21,827 Honestly, it sounds like a relief. 148 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,827 Yeah. It... 149 00:12:26,952 --> 00:12:29,535 But, I mean, like, when I say me, 150 00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:32,868 I mean, I mean the me that I was talking about earlier. Like... 151 00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:37,743 The me that's underneath a million layers of not me. 152 00:12:39,451 --> 00:12:42,202 I can't imagine how that must have felt. 153 00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:44,827 Yeah. 154 00:12:46,369 --> 00:12:48,202 Yeah, it felt good. 155 00:12:56,535 --> 00:12:59,327 Kind of reminds me of how a mom would see you. 156 00:13:00,993 --> 00:13:03,369 Keep going with that thought. 157 00:13:03,451 --> 00:13:05,119 Well, just like, 158 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:08,827 how a mom sees you before you're anything. 159 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:12,993 And, like, loves you just for that. 160 00:13:13,077 --> 00:13:16,410 And all you have to do is just, like, sit there and exist. 161 00:13:17,493 --> 00:13:19,701 Is that how your mom saw you? 162 00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:27,576 I, I don't know. I mean, like, the time we're talking about is 163 00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:30,493 before you can remember anything. So... 164 00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:31,952 I don't know. 165 00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:34,701 Is that how you imagine your mom saw you? 166 00:13:40,868 --> 00:13:42,618 I hope so. 167 00:14:00,035 --> 00:14:02,077 Um, I take that back. 168 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,576 Uh, I don't wanna talk about my mom. 169 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:07,244 I promise you, I have no agenda. 170 00:14:07,327 --> 00:14:10,119 We can talk about whatever it is you wanna talk about. 171 00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:11,993 I mean, uh... 172 00:14:12,077 --> 00:14:16,119 Yeah. Uh, I think I really wanna go off my hormones. 173 00:14:17,827 --> 00:14:19,410 Okay. 174 00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:22,910 Or... Well, not like everything. 175 00:14:22,993 --> 00:14:25,160 Probably just my blockers. 176 00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:30,827 I have, like, this weird sci-fi chip implant in my arm. 177 00:14:30,910 --> 00:14:33,202 - Supprelin? - Yeah, and it, like, 178 00:14:33,285 --> 00:14:36,077 stops my voice from dropping. 179 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,410 Um, my balls from getting bigger, you know? 180 00:14:39,493 --> 00:14:42,827 The kind of shit that men wouldn't find desirable. 181 00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:50,244 I don't know. Uh... 182 00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:53,618 I've always thought of puberty 183 00:14:53,701 --> 00:14:56,202 as, like, a broadening, 184 00:14:56,285 --> 00:15:00,119 or a deepening, or like, a, a thickening. 185 00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:03,743 Which I, I think is, like, why I was always so scared of it, you know? 186 00:15:03,827 --> 00:15:06,451 'Cause in my head, women were always, like, 187 00:15:06,535 --> 00:15:11,077 small and thin and delicate, and... 188 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:15,618 You know, so, like, the thought of puberty, like this... 189 00:15:15,701 --> 00:15:17,535 irreversible, forever 190 00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:21,993 fucking metamorphosis was just, like, fucking terrifying. 191 00:15:22,077 --> 00:15:24,493 And, you know, that, like, when it happened, 192 00:15:24,576 --> 00:15:26,618 I'd just, like, end up on the other side. 193 00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:28,618 Like, stuck. 194 00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:32,493 Or even worse, just, like, a man. 195 00:15:32,576 --> 00:15:34,410 Like, like, through and through. 196 00:15:34,493 --> 00:15:37,827 And then femininity would always be this just, like, 197 00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:41,993 this, like, elusive, distant thing, you know? 198 00:15:42,743 --> 00:15:44,910 Like, unreachable. 199 00:15:44,993 --> 00:15:46,868 But, uh, but then, 200 00:15:46,952 --> 00:15:49,618 I think about beautiful things 201 00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:53,493 that are also broad and deep, 202 00:15:53,576 --> 00:15:58,202 and thick, and I think of... 203 00:15:58,285 --> 00:16:01,160 something like the ocean. 204 00:16:06,077 --> 00:16:07,952 I think, like... 205 00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:13,868 that I want to be as beautiful as the ocean. 206 00:16:13,952 --> 00:16:16,410 'Cause the ocean's strong as fuck. 207 00:16:16,493 --> 00:16:17,993 And feminine as fuck. 208 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:21,077 And, like, both are what makes the ocean the ocean. 209 00:16:22,451 --> 00:16:25,451 My grandmother used to live by the ocean. 210 00:16:27,244 --> 00:16:29,868 And, uh, when we'd go visit, 211 00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:32,327 we'd go down to the beach. 212 00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:37,410 And, uh, I'd close my eyes... 213 00:16:38,827 --> 00:16:42,701 And I'd just swim, and swim. 214 00:16:42,785 --> 00:16:46,576 And it didn't matter, like, where I was going, 215 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,785 or what could happen. 216 00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,785 Sometimes I'd pray to the ocean. 217 00:17:03,119 --> 00:17:07,660 At least for me, being trans is spiritual. 218 00:17:07,743 --> 00:17:09,160 You know, it's not religious. 219 00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:12,035 It's not, like, for some congregation. 220 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:15,119 It's for me. It's mine. It belongs to me. 221 00:17:16,451 --> 00:17:19,327 And I don't ever want to stand still. 222 00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:24,369 Like, I want to be alive. 223 00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:27,827 I mean, that's what this has always been about, is, like... 224 00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:31,493 staying alive. 225 00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,202 The only problem is, um... 226 00:17:45,327 --> 00:17:48,327 I might have lost Rue along the way. 227 00:17:49,827 --> 00:17:51,285 What do you mean? 228 00:17:51,369 --> 00:17:53,910 Just that, like, I've, I've called her a bunch of times, 229 00:17:53,993 --> 00:17:58,743 and, um, she hasn't picked up, and... 230 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:02,410 Like, I think I— I think I really fucked up. 231 00:18:04,077 --> 00:18:05,868 But, like, I was panicking. 232 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,244 Like, I was really panicking. 233 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:17,035 Without, like, getting melodramatic... 234 00:18:27,576 --> 00:18:30,160 I've had a really hard six months. 235 00:18:33,701 --> 00:18:37,202 Like, moving here has been really hard. 236 00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,952 And, like, I don't know. Just kind of... 237 00:18:42,035 --> 00:18:46,785 A bunch of shit all happened at once. And... 238 00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:48,868 like, I just freaked out. 239 00:18:48,952 --> 00:18:51,035 Like, I panicked, and I felt like if I, 240 00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:54,244 if I didn't get out, I was gonna fucking die. 241 00:18:56,743 --> 00:18:58,119 How? 242 00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:08,576 Mm, it's maybe, like, a little hard for me to talk about right now. 243 00:19:10,077 --> 00:19:12,576 Were you thinking about hurting yourself? 244 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:23,285 I mean, um, 245 00:19:23,369 --> 00:19:25,827 there's a difference between 246 00:19:25,910 --> 00:19:27,701 thinking about hurting yourself, 247 00:19:27,785 --> 00:19:29,410 and, uh, wa... 248 00:19:29,493 --> 00:19:31,576 wanting to hurt yourself. But... 249 00:19:33,410 --> 00:19:36,660 I think that gap was closing. 250 00:19:53,244 --> 00:19:54,952 So, I ran. 251 00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:04,535 And I left someone, like, I really love, behind. 252 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:22,285 Sorry. Um, I don't know why I'm crying. 253 00:20:22,369 --> 00:20:23,618 Uh... 254 00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,868 'Cause it hurts. 255 00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:31,993 Yeah. Um... 256 00:20:56,035 --> 00:20:58,285 Damn. 257 00:20:58,369 --> 00:21:00,618 Like, at the same time, though, 258 00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:02,576 I'm, like, really angry at Rue. 259 00:21:05,743 --> 00:21:07,493 I feel like... 260 00:21:07,576 --> 00:21:09,701 her sobriety is, like, 261 00:21:09,785 --> 00:21:13,701 completely dependent on how available I am to her. 262 00:21:14,743 --> 00:21:16,743 You know? Like, 263 00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:18,285 she'd ask me to sleep over, 264 00:21:18,369 --> 00:21:21,285 and I'd say no for, like, whatever reason, 265 00:21:21,369 --> 00:21:24,493 because it was a fucking weekday, or something. 266 00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,993 And... 267 00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:31,202 I'd just, I'd feel, like, this weight. 268 00:21:32,910 --> 00:21:35,285 Like, this massive weight on my shoulders, 269 00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:37,035 and I'd think, like... 270 00:21:38,369 --> 00:21:41,451 Like, what if she relapses, you know? 271 00:21:43,743 --> 00:21:47,369 Like, what if she relapses 'cause I'm not there? 272 00:21:56,077 --> 00:21:58,701 But I guess it goes both ways, because... 273 00:21:58,785 --> 00:21:59,952 you know... 274 00:22:05,743 --> 00:22:08,369 I fell completely in love with her. 275 00:22:52,576 --> 00:22:53,952 That was it! 276 00:22:54,035 --> 00:22:55,493 Oh, God. 277 00:22:55,576 --> 00:22:57,993 Yay! You did it! 278 00:22:58,077 --> 00:23:00,035 - Thank you. - Mmm... 279 00:23:08,743 --> 00:23:11,077 I talked to your mom today. 280 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,202 She moved out of the halfway house. 281 00:23:13,285 --> 00:23:15,618 She's been clean for nine months. 282 00:23:16,827 --> 00:23:18,202 Don't do that. 283 00:23:18,285 --> 00:23:20,535 Please. Don't roll your eyes. 284 00:23:20,618 --> 00:23:22,618 - Come on. It's Mom. - Yeah. 285 00:23:22,701 --> 00:23:24,410 You can be angry with her, 286 00:23:24,493 --> 00:23:25,868 and I understand that, 287 00:23:25,952 --> 00:23:28,701 but you can't just dismiss the good. 288 00:23:28,785 --> 00:23:30,827 Well, I'm allowed to be skeptical. 289 00:23:41,451 --> 00:23:44,035 She did say she wanted to see you. 290 00:23:47,701 --> 00:23:49,285 I knew it. 291 00:23:49,369 --> 00:23:50,868 I knew this was not just gonna be, like, 292 00:23:50,952 --> 00:23:55,077 some conversation about how well Mom is doing. 293 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,493 Um, you can tell her, "No, thank you." 294 00:24:01,077 --> 00:24:03,369 - Okay. 295 00:24:06,618 --> 00:24:08,618 I was afraid to talk to Rue 296 00:24:08,701 --> 00:24:10,369 about, like, shit that was going on with my mom, 297 00:24:10,451 --> 00:24:14,119 because she'd think that I felt the same way about her 298 00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:16,327 that, like, I do my mom. 299 00:24:16,410 --> 00:24:18,244 Well, don't you? 300 00:24:19,077 --> 00:24:22,077 What? 301 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,244 Don't you feel the same way about Rue as you do your mom? 302 00:24:26,451 --> 00:24:28,827 - No. - You just said you were angry at Rue 303 00:24:28,910 --> 00:24:31,993 for the imbalance she created in your relationship. 304 00:24:32,077 --> 00:24:36,119 So, would it be fair to say that you resented that imbalance? 305 00:24:36,202 --> 00:24:39,035 That the same person who saw you, who truly saw you, 306 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:41,410 in the same way that your mom did when you were a baby, 307 00:24:41,493 --> 00:24:45,035 was also incapable of seeing how her additions affected you. 308 00:24:46,910 --> 00:24:49,244 I mean, uh, I guess I've, like, 309 00:24:49,327 --> 00:24:52,493 never thought about it that way before. Um... 310 00:24:56,369 --> 00:24:59,077 - Rue: Mom. Mom! 311 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,493 For— Stop. 312 00:25:00,576 --> 00:25:04,369 I told you. I'm— I have a meeting and then I'll be home. 313 00:25:04,451 --> 00:25:06,660 Yes. I'm fine. 314 00:25:07,743 --> 00:25:09,743 I'm literally fine. 315 00:25:10,827 --> 00:25:12,035 Okay. 316 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:14,743 Okay, I'll text you when I'm on my way. 317 00:25:14,827 --> 00:25:16,160 Love you. 318 00:25:16,244 --> 00:25:18,701 I feel like real life is always such a letdown. 319 00:25:18,785 --> 00:25:22,369 - Therapist: What do you mean? - I don't know. It's just, like— 320 00:25:22,451 --> 00:25:25,952 easier to talk to people online. 321 00:25:27,410 --> 00:25:30,868 You can be more open, and honest, 322 00:25:30,952 --> 00:25:33,910 and, like, vulnerable. 323 00:26:01,618 --> 00:26:04,244 Some of the most profound relationships I've ever had 324 00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:05,993 have been with people I've never met. 325 00:26:11,576 --> 00:26:14,160 I should have known I was setting myself up. 326 00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:18,993 Or maybe I did know. 327 00:26:21,701 --> 00:26:25,202 Maybe that's, like, what I'm actually attracted to. 328 00:26:27,493 --> 00:26:29,785 Maybe that's, like, the appeal. 329 00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:37,244 The letdown. 330 00:26:41,202 --> 00:26:44,160 The fact that, like, none of it's real. 331 00:26:50,576 --> 00:26:52,451 And it's all a fantasy. 332 00:27:34,952 --> 00:27:37,369 You've never even seen his face. 333 00:27:38,910 --> 00:27:40,827 I don't have to. 334 00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:43,119 I've gotten to know him, like, really well. 335 00:27:44,244 --> 00:27:45,451 Sure. 336 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,993 I have. 337 00:27:48,077 --> 00:27:51,119 Like, better than anyone else. 338 00:27:51,202 --> 00:27:53,077 Other than you. 339 00:27:55,660 --> 00:27:57,660 Except he could be lying. 340 00:27:58,618 --> 00:28:00,660 Rue, anyone could be lying. 341 00:28:04,369 --> 00:28:07,868 Trust me, Rue. It's not in my head. 342 00:28:07,952 --> 00:28:10,993 I think you two would actually really get along. 343 00:28:11,077 --> 00:28:12,285 Hmmph. 344 00:28:12,369 --> 00:28:15,576 I fall in love so easily. 345 00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:18,451 I really do. It's, like, almost embarrassing. 346 00:28:20,035 --> 00:28:21,952 Why do you think that is? 347 00:28:24,785 --> 00:28:30,119 Because half of every relationship is in my head. 348 00:28:52,993 --> 00:28:54,660 Rue What? 349 00:28:55,493 --> 00:28:57,327 Just happy I met you. 350 00:29:03,285 --> 00:29:04,785 Me, too. 351 00:29:12,244 --> 00:29:13,660 Wait, Rue. 352 00:29:13,743 --> 00:29:15,868 You've been clean for, like, two weeks. 353 00:29:17,119 --> 00:29:19,743 Rue! No fucking way! 354 00:29:19,827 --> 00:29:22,493 Mm! Mm! Mm! 355 00:29:23,743 --> 00:29:25,910 I'm so proud of you! 356 00:29:34,451 --> 00:29:37,535 There were so many times I wanted to kiss her. 357 00:30:11,077 --> 00:30:12,743 But I, I didn't. 358 00:30:12,827 --> 00:30:16,952 - Um, I'm gonna go get a glass of water. - Oh. Okay. 359 00:30:22,285 --> 00:30:24,868 I hate everyone else in the world but you. 360 00:30:25,993 --> 00:30:28,077 And when she finally did... 361 00:30:31,827 --> 00:30:34,868 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should go. 362 00:30:38,952 --> 00:30:41,369 - Jules: I froze. 363 00:30:41,451 --> 00:30:43,451 Why do you think that is? 364 00:30:44,618 --> 00:30:47,451 'Cause I had never kissed a girl before. 365 00:30:50,535 --> 00:30:54,285 I'd never even, like, been that close to a girl before. 366 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:57,701 So when it happened, 367 00:30:57,785 --> 00:31:00,119 the only thought I had was, like, 368 00:31:00,202 --> 00:31:02,410 don't lose her. 369 00:31:02,493 --> 00:31:04,701 Um, hey, uh, 370 00:31:04,785 --> 00:31:07,618 I was just hoping we could talk about what happened earlier, 371 00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:10,369 'cause, like, I know I was really weird, and, um, 372 00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:13,369 I didn't, like, mean it that way or anything. 373 00:31:13,451 --> 00:31:17,077 Um, so, yeah, uh, just— 374 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,576 I just wanna talk to you. Please call me back. 375 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:21,952 Bye. 376 00:31:27,327 --> 00:31:29,660 Why did you think you would lose her? 377 00:31:30,576 --> 00:31:32,035 Because, like... 378 00:31:33,327 --> 00:31:36,035 How could it be possible that Rue loved me 379 00:31:36,119 --> 00:31:38,160 as much as I loved her? 380 00:31:45,660 --> 00:31:47,576 I think the better question is 381 00:31:47,660 --> 00:31:50,827 why would you think that would be impossible? 382 00:32:15,868 --> 00:32:18,369 I can't tell you how many times 383 00:32:18,451 --> 00:32:21,785 we'd just be, like, texting and texting. 384 00:32:21,868 --> 00:32:26,119 And the next thing I know, it would be, like, four in the morning, 385 00:32:26,202 --> 00:32:29,868 and I hadn't slept, and I didn't want to. 386 00:32:32,119 --> 00:32:34,743 Like, I'd never tell her this, but... 387 00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:38,202 I feel like I got to know him better than I knew Rue. 388 00:32:42,618 --> 00:32:45,077 We used to sext forever. 389 00:32:46,535 --> 00:32:49,743 Like, about anything and everything. 390 00:32:51,743 --> 00:32:56,285 I know it might, like, sound a little weird, but... 391 00:32:56,369 --> 00:33:00,576 It was, like, genuinely the best sex I've ever had. 392 00:33:02,660 --> 00:33:04,910 What made it so fulfilling? 393 00:33:09,410 --> 00:33:14,077 It was just pure fucking imagination. 394 00:33:32,827 --> 00:33:35,285 All day I've been thinking about you. 395 00:33:40,910 --> 00:33:43,119 Dreaming about you. 396 00:33:46,327 --> 00:33:49,244 And all the things I want to do to you. 397 00:34:07,785 --> 00:34:10,618 I wish I could see your face... 398 00:34:13,660 --> 00:34:16,369 and all the colors in your eyes. 399 00:34:21,576 --> 00:34:24,327 Would you blush if I told you I loved you? 400 00:34:33,827 --> 00:34:36,660 Tyler I'm gonna fuck you until you're soaking wet. 401 00:35:05,868 --> 00:35:07,077 Tyler? 402 00:35:09,369 --> 00:35:11,369 Why are there no photos of us? 403 00:35:22,327 --> 00:35:25,910 Because whoever I was talking to didn't exist. 404 00:35:38,327 --> 00:35:39,618 Tyler? 405 00:35:41,451 --> 00:35:44,410 Jules, it's okay. 406 00:35:44,493 --> 00:35:46,035 Come here. 407 00:35:48,827 --> 00:35:51,576 How could none of it have been real? 408 00:35:56,785 --> 00:35:58,910 It felt so real. 409 00:36:04,244 --> 00:36:06,410 I wish I never met him. 410 00:36:10,785 --> 00:36:13,285 I'm still in love with Tyler. 411 00:36:15,701 --> 00:36:18,701 And I don't know when that's gonna change. 412 00:37:11,993 --> 00:37:14,493 Rue... 413 00:37:53,369 --> 00:37:54,785 - Don't look at my face. 414 00:38:02,618 --> 00:38:07,576 Rue. 415 00:38:11,535 --> 00:38:13,119 Rue. 416 00:38:13,202 --> 00:38:15,077 Guess what? 417 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:16,576 Rue! 418 00:38:20,077 --> 00:38:21,410 Rue? 419 00:38:28,743 --> 00:38:29,910 Rue! 420 00:38:29,993 --> 00:38:33,244 Maybe it's 'cause of, like, everything with my mom. 421 00:38:33,327 --> 00:38:35,660 But I just had this, like, 422 00:38:35,743 --> 00:38:38,743 really bad nightmare about... 423 00:38:38,827 --> 00:38:41,451 living in New York City with Rue. 424 00:38:43,410 --> 00:38:46,369 When I got home, uh... 425 00:38:46,451 --> 00:38:49,035 she was in the bathroom. 426 00:38:49,119 --> 00:38:51,868 - Rue? 427 00:38:51,952 --> 00:38:54,410 Can you please answer me? 428 00:38:54,493 --> 00:38:57,410 But, like, she had locked it from the inside. 429 00:38:59,327 --> 00:39:01,244 Rue, please! 430 00:39:05,952 --> 00:39:08,160 Rue, open the door! 431 00:39:10,618 --> 00:39:11,868 Then, like, 432 00:39:11,952 --> 00:39:14,077 by the time I opened the door... 433 00:39:21,451 --> 00:39:24,285 I can't, like, say it out loud. 434 00:39:24,369 --> 00:39:27,369 Rue! Rue! 435 00:39:27,451 --> 00:39:29,410 - Rue! 436 00:39:29,493 --> 00:39:31,910 Come on— 437 00:39:35,493 --> 00:39:36,827 Rue! 438 00:39:39,993 --> 00:39:41,868 Rue! Open the— 439 00:39:45,410 --> 00:39:48,327 Don't fucking do this to me! 440 00:39:58,285 --> 00:39:59,827 Hi, Jules. 441 00:40:00,451 --> 00:40:01,910 Hey. 442 00:40:01,993 --> 00:40:03,660 You look really pretty. 443 00:40:04,952 --> 00:40:06,701 I wanted to say hi, and— 444 00:40:13,327 --> 00:40:15,160 It's okay. Hang tight. 445 00:40:31,369 --> 00:40:34,576 How could you just, like, fucking ambush me like that? 446 00:40:35,701 --> 00:40:37,910 How could you fucking do this to me? 447 00:40:37,993 --> 00:40:40,785 Like, why didn't we talk about this? 448 00:40:40,868 --> 00:40:43,410 Because I knew that you wouldn't give her a chance. 449 00:40:44,035 --> 00:40:45,285 Yeah. 450 00:40:45,369 --> 00:40:47,451 Yeah, there's a reason. 451 00:40:47,535 --> 00:40:49,910 Like, I can't handle this right now. 452 00:40:49,993 --> 00:40:54,410 I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think you could handle it. 453 00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:58,952 What? So, like, it's for my own good? 454 00:40:59,035 --> 00:41:01,910 Jules, she's been clean. She's doing really well. 455 00:41:01,993 --> 00:41:04,285 All she wants as part of her recovery 456 00:41:04,369 --> 00:41:06,119 is to make amends. 457 00:41:07,369 --> 00:41:08,701 Wait, what? 458 00:41:10,077 --> 00:41:12,202 She wants to apologize. 459 00:41:14,369 --> 00:41:16,451 You have to be fucking kidding me. 460 00:41:17,952 --> 00:41:20,410 She wants my forgiveness? 461 00:41:21,451 --> 00:41:23,119 My forgiveness? 462 00:41:23,202 --> 00:41:25,576 So that, what, she doesn't, like, fucking 463 00:41:25,660 --> 00:41:27,910 drink herself to death because she's so guilty? 464 00:41:27,993 --> 00:41:30,451 Don't be fucking cruel! 465 00:41:32,285 --> 00:41:34,618 - Jules: I don't care! - David: Yeah. You do. 466 00:41:34,701 --> 00:41:38,535 I swear to God, Dad, I don't fucking care! 467 00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:47,701 Okay. Fine. 468 00:41:47,785 --> 00:41:49,785 If you really don't care, 469 00:41:49,868 --> 00:41:52,535 and this really means nothing to you, 470 00:41:52,618 --> 00:41:55,369 then just go downstairs 471 00:41:55,451 --> 00:41:57,451 and let her apologize. 472 00:42:02,327 --> 00:42:04,119 Even if it's not real? 473 00:42:06,410 --> 00:42:08,244 Even if it's not real. 474 00:42:12,827 --> 00:42:14,035 Okay. 475 00:42:14,119 --> 00:42:15,701 Okay. Fine. 476 00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:00,535 Jules. 477 00:43:08,202 --> 00:43:09,993 It was a week later. 478 00:43:10,077 --> 00:43:11,743 On Halloween. 479 00:43:12,535 --> 00:43:14,535 Uh, well, yeah. 480 00:43:15,618 --> 00:43:17,743 How long was she missing for? 481 00:43:19,202 --> 00:43:23,535 Jesus Christ. And, and you found bottles in the room? 482 00:43:24,868 --> 00:43:26,576 Oh, God... 483 00:43:28,369 --> 00:43:31,119 How, how long does the hospital want to keep her? 484 00:43:36,202 --> 00:43:38,035 Jules... 485 00:43:38,119 --> 00:43:40,451 - Uh, that's Rue. 486 00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:42,493 Hey. Jules. 487 00:43:44,244 --> 00:43:46,618 - David: Jules, open up. 488 00:43:46,701 --> 00:43:48,077 You gotta come home, Jules. 489 00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:49,743 I can't come back. 490 00:43:49,827 --> 00:43:52,785 You're 17, you know. You cannot live alone. 491 00:43:52,868 --> 00:43:55,785 This is not real life, Jules! 492 00:43:55,868 --> 00:43:58,493 I can't, I can't go back to East Highland. 493 00:43:58,576 --> 00:44:01,618 - David: Open the door. 494 00:44:01,701 --> 00:44:02,993 You're coming home. 495 00:44:03,077 --> 00:44:04,868 I'm not leaving here without you! 496 00:44:05,576 --> 00:44:07,160 I don't belong there. 497 00:44:07,244 --> 00:44:09,868 - Jules, I'm begging you. 498 00:44:13,410 --> 00:44:14,910 Open the door! 499 00:44:45,119 --> 00:44:47,993 Okay, well, that's all the time we have for this week. 500 00:44:48,077 --> 00:44:51,535 Sorry if that was a lot. 501 00:44:51,618 --> 00:44:54,451 I'm the one person you never have to apologize to. 502 00:44:56,119 --> 00:44:57,535 Thanks. 503 00:44:57,618 --> 00:44:59,451 I know this is our first session, 504 00:44:59,535 --> 00:45:01,868 and I know you didn't want to come, but I'm glad you did. 505 00:45:01,952 --> 00:45:03,618 I hope you are, too. 506 00:45:05,618 --> 00:45:09,660 Okay, so, just be patient with yourself. 507 00:45:11,701 --> 00:45:13,493 And have a wonderful New Year. 508 00:45:14,576 --> 00:45:16,743 Merry Christmas. 509 00:45:16,827 --> 00:45:18,285 I'm Jewish. 510 00:45:18,369 --> 00:45:20,910 Oh, uh, sorry. 511 00:45:20,993 --> 00:45:22,410 Don't be. 512 00:45:22,493 --> 00:45:24,535 It's a way better holiday. 513 00:45:27,369 --> 00:45:28,827 Okay. 514 00:45:39,202 --> 00:45:41,701 - Rue: Jules? - Rue? 515 00:45:48,160 --> 00:45:49,451 Hi. 516 00:45:58,327 --> 00:45:59,701 I, um... 517 00:46:00,952 --> 00:46:03,119 Uh, I was just... 518 00:46:03,202 --> 00:46:05,285 riding my bike, um, 519 00:46:05,369 --> 00:46:06,451 to go meet Ali, 520 00:46:06,535 --> 00:46:08,827 and I passed your house. 521 00:46:10,410 --> 00:46:12,119 And I... 522 00:46:12,202 --> 00:46:15,535 I don't know. I— It's Christmastime, so... 523 00:46:16,785 --> 00:46:21,244 I just... Your, your dad let me in. 524 00:46:21,327 --> 00:46:24,910 Uh, uh, yeah. He's really mad at me. 525 00:46:24,993 --> 00:46:28,618 Um, I'm grounded. 526 00:46:28,701 --> 00:46:31,743 And, uh, in therapy. So, um... 527 00:46:33,576 --> 00:46:35,493 Uh... 528 00:46:39,035 --> 00:46:40,701 I really missed you. 529 00:46:46,077 --> 00:46:47,868 Missed you, too. 530 00:46:49,993 --> 00:46:51,410 Um... 531 00:46:54,410 --> 00:46:56,827 Um, and I'm really sorry about, like, 532 00:46:56,910 --> 00:46:59,952 everything that happened at the train station, 533 00:47:00,035 --> 00:47:02,202 and leaving and stuff. Um... 534 00:47:06,827 --> 00:47:08,576 It was really fucking stupid. 535 00:47:08,660 --> 00:47:10,827 Ah, fuck. I don't know why I'm crying. 536 00:47:10,910 --> 00:47:15,618 I just get really emotional during the holidays, that's all. 537 00:47:15,701 --> 00:47:19,035 - It's okay. Um... - Rue: Um... 538 00:47:19,119 --> 00:47:21,993 Yeah, Merry Christmas, Jules.