Why didn't you call me?
Ali, what am I supposed to do about Jules?
It's funny. When I think about it,
I still blame Jules for all this shit.
Why? I was clean,
and I was, like, gonna stay clean.
And for the most part, I was pretty happy.
And fucking Jules.
It's like she lied to me,
and, uh, manipulated me.
Talking about how we're gonna be together forever.
And then, she ditched me.
I didn't know that.
Like the whole thing at the train station.
Her trying to get me to run away with her.
Please. I love you.
I didn't think she was actually gonna go.
- You know, like leave me.
So, where do you want to start?
I don't know.
Okay. Why'd you run away?
Can we not talk about that?
Why?
I don't know. 'Cause it was just like a,
like a dumb, not-well-thought-out plan,
and I was, like, drunk and reacting to shit.
Reacting to what?
Come on, I, I really...
don't wanna talk about it.
Okay.
What do you want to talk about?
I think I want to go off my hormones.
Mm. Okay.
Have you been thinking a lot about de-transitioning?
No.
Okay. Then what is it?
I don't know. I've just been, like,
thinking about what's next.
In what sense?
I mean...
I don't know. I guess it's— I guess it's interesting,
'cause, like, before I ran away,
uh, I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and...
we were having this exact conversation.
And...
Basically, um...
I feel like I've framed
my entire womanhood around men.
When, like, in reality,
I'm no longer interested in men.
Like, philosophically.
Like, like, what men want.
Like, what men want is so boring.
And simple, and not creative, and, like, uh...
I just, like, I look at myself, and I'm like,
how the fuck did I spend my entire life
building this. Like...
Like, my body, and my personality,
and, like, my soul around
what I think men desire?
It's just, like...
it's embarrassing.
I feel like a... a fraud.
I feel like there's a lot to unpack
within what you just said, okay,
but the main thing I heard,
is how hard you are on yourself.
The amount of self-criticism you're experiencing,
it's a lot.
Yeah.
But I, I think it's necessary.
Are you sure?
I mean, I hope so.
Or else,
then I'm really fucking crazy.
You're not crazy, Jules.
You're just a lot harder on yourself than you probably should be.
Yeah.
Acknowledging that's important.
Yeah, but, but also, like, what I'm saying is true.
Like, without the self-criticism, I'd be lost.
Or free.
Both can be scary feelings.
You really feel like your entire existence,
physically and emotionally, is, is that reactive?
What do you mean?
That I'm not looking or talking to Jules?
I'm looking at an avatar she created in reaction to the world?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. You know.
But you're looking at, like, a million layers of other people
that I've grabbed and clung to
throughout my entire life.
That's, like, that's terrifying.
It— I mean, that's why I think
when I was talking to my friend about this, or...
Or...
Well, I don't, I don't know. I guess this is, like,
this is our first session.
I don't want to get into all, like, the childhood bullshit,
'cause it's a lot.
It's exhausting.
But when I was having this conversation with my friend,
we were talking about how,
I feel like
my entire life, I've been trying to conquer femininity,
and somewhere along the way,
I feel like femininity
conquered me.
What?
What was that thought?
Well...
Like...
Most girls, when you first talk to them,
they, like, automatically analyze and compare themselves to you.
And then, you know, they, they search for where you fit
in their hierarchy,
and then they treat you accordingly.
What hierarchy?
Like, how close you are to what they all collectively want to be.
Like, in their heads.
Right.
And, you know, even if they've, like, mastered
the art of hiding it with, like, smiles and nods,
and small talk, it's, like,
you'd still catch them doing it.
Like, like their eyes wandering over your face, or...
or, you know, the quick takes up and down your body.
Or like, they watch how your clothes hang off your torso,
or, like, they look for what tags are on your clothes
to see where you shop, or they'll watch your hands to find, like,
fucked-up cuticles or chipped nail polish.
Honestly, it would,
it would be a kind of sensual experience
if it wasn't so fucking terrifying.
So they want to find flaws.
Yeah. Uh, most girls.
But not Rue.
Mm-mm.
What's the first thing that comes to mind?
No girl had ever looked at me the way Rue did.
Hi.
I just, I feel like Rue was the first girl
that didn't just look at me.
Like, she actually saw me.
Uh, I mean, not to say that in, like, a cheesy way,
'cause it sounds cheesy, right? Like...
Honestly, it sounds like a relief.
Yeah. It...
But, I mean, like, when I say me,
I mean, I mean the me that I was talking about earlier. Like...
The me that's underneath a million layers of not me.
I can't imagine how that must have felt.
Yeah.
Yeah, it felt good.
Kind of reminds me of how a mom would see you.
Keep going with that thought.
Well, just like,
how a mom sees you before you're anything.
And, like, loves you just for that.
And all you have to do is just, like, sit there and exist.
Is that how your mom saw you?
I, I don't know. I mean, like, the time we're talking about is
before you can remember anything. So...
I don't know.
Is that how you imagine your mom saw you?
I hope so.
Um, I take that back.
Uh, I don't wanna talk about my mom.
I promise you, I have no agenda.
We can talk about whatever it is you wanna talk about.
I mean, uh...
Yeah. Uh, I think I really wanna go off my hormones.
Okay.
Or... Well, not like everything.
Probably just my blockers.
I have, like, this weird sci-fi chip implant in my arm.
- Supprelin? - Yeah, and it, like,
stops my voice from dropping.
Um, my balls from getting bigger, you know?
The kind of shit that men wouldn't find desirable.
I don't know. Uh...
I've always thought of puberty
as, like, a broadening,
or a deepening, or like, a, a thickening.
Which I, I think is, like, why I was always so scared of it, you know?
'Cause in my head, women were always, like,
small and thin and delicate, and...
You know, so, like, the thought of puberty, like this...
irreversible, forever
fucking metamorphosis was just, like, fucking terrifying.
And, you know, that, like, when it happened,
I'd just, like, end up on the other side.
Like, stuck.
Or even worse, just, like, a man.
Like, like, through and through.
And then femininity would always be this just, like,
this, like, elusive, distant thing, you know?
Like, unreachable.
But, uh, but then,
I think about beautiful things
that are also broad and deep,
and thick, and I think of...
something like the ocean.
I think, like...
that I want to be as beautiful as the ocean.
'Cause the ocean's strong as fuck.
And feminine as fuck.
And, like, both are what makes the ocean the ocean.
My grandmother used to live by the ocean.
And, uh, when we'd go visit,
we'd go down to the beach.
And, uh, I'd close my eyes...
And I'd just swim, and swim.
And it didn't matter, like, where I was going,
or what could happen.
Sometimes I'd pray to the ocean.
At least for me, being trans is spiritual.
You know, it's not religious.
It's not, like, for some congregation.
It's for me. It's mine. It belongs to me.
And I don't ever want to stand still.
Like, I want to be alive.
I mean, that's what this has always been about, is, like...
staying alive.
The only problem is, um...
I might have lost Rue along the way.
What do you mean?
Just that, like, I've, I've called her a bunch of times,
and, um, she hasn't picked up, and...
Like, I think I— I think I really fucked up.
But, like, I was panicking.
Like, I was really panicking.
Without, like, getting melodramatic...
I've had a really hard six months.
Like, moving here has been really hard.
And, like, I don't know. Just kind of...
A bunch of shit all happened at once. And...
like, I just freaked out.
Like, I panicked, and I felt like if I,
if I didn't get out, I was gonna fucking die.
How?
Mm, it's maybe, like, a little hard for me to talk about right now.
Were you thinking about hurting yourself?
I mean, um,
there's a difference between
thinking about hurting yourself,
and, uh, wa...
wanting to hurt yourself. But...
I think that gap was closing.
So, I ran.
And I left someone, like, I really love, behind.
Sorry. Um, I don't know why I'm crying.
Uh...
'Cause it hurts.
Yeah. Um...
Damn.
Like, at the same time, though,
I'm, like, really angry at Rue.
I feel like...
her sobriety is, like,
completely dependent on how available I am to her.
You know? Like,
she'd ask me to sleep over,
and I'd say no for, like, whatever reason,
because it was a fucking weekday, or something.
And...
I'd just, I'd feel, like, this weight.
Like, this massive weight on my shoulders,
and I'd think, like...
Like, what if she relapses, you know?
Like, what if she relapses 'cause I'm not there?
But I guess it goes both ways, because...
you know...
I fell completely in love with her.
That was it!
Oh, God.
Yay! You did it!
- Thank you. - Mmm...
I talked to your mom today.
She moved out of the halfway house.
She's been clean for nine months.
Don't do that.
Please. Don't roll your eyes.
- Come on. It's Mom. - Yeah.
You can be angry with her,
and I understand that,
but you can't just dismiss the good.
Well, I'm allowed to be skeptical.
She did say she wanted to see you.
I knew it.
I knew this was not just gonna be, like,
some conversation about how well Mom is doing.
Um, you can tell her, "No, thank you."
- Okay.
I was afraid to talk to Rue
about, like, shit that was going on with my mom,
because she'd think that I felt the same way about her
that, like, I do my mom.
Well, don't you?
What?
Don't you feel the same way about Rue as you do your mom?
- No. - You just said you were angry at Rue
for the imbalance she created in your relationship.
So, would it be fair to say that you resented that imbalance?
That the same person who saw you, who truly saw you,
in the same way that your mom did when you were a baby,
was also incapable of seeing how her additions affected you.
I mean, uh, I guess I've, like,
never thought about it that way before. Um...
- Rue: Mom. Mom!
For— Stop.
I told you. I'm— I have a meeting and then I'll be home.
Yes. I'm fine.
I'm literally fine.
Okay.
Okay, I'll text you when I'm on my way.
Love you.
I feel like real life is always such a letdown.
- Therapist: What do you mean? - I don't know. It's just, like—
easier to talk to people online.
You can be more open, and honest,
and, like, vulnerable.
Some of the most profound relationships I've ever had
have been with people I've never met.
I should have known I was setting myself up.
Or maybe I did know.
Maybe that's, like, what I'm actually attracted to.
Maybe that's, like, the appeal.
The letdown.
The fact that, like, none of it's real.
And it's all a fantasy.
You've never even seen his face.
I don't have to.
I've gotten to know him, like, really well.
Sure.
I have.
Like, better than anyone else.
Other than you.
Except he could be lying.
Rue, anyone could be lying.
Trust me, Rue. It's not in my head.
I think you two would actually really get along.
Hmmph.
I fall in love so easily.
I really do. It's, like, almost embarrassing.
Why do you think that is?
Because half of every relationship is in my head.
Rue What?
Just happy I met you.
Me, too.
Wait, Rue.
You've been clean for, like, two weeks.
Rue! No fucking way!
Mm! Mm! Mm!
I'm so proud of you!
There were so many times I wanted to kiss her.
But I, I didn't.
- Um, I'm gonna go get a glass of water. - Oh. Okay.
I hate everyone else in the world but you.
And when she finally did...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should go.
- Jules: I froze.
Why do you think that is?
'Cause I had never kissed a girl before.
I'd never even, like, been that close to a girl before.
So when it happened,
the only thought I had was, like,
don't lose her.
Um, hey, uh,
I was just hoping we could talk about what happened earlier,
'cause, like, I know I was really weird, and, um,
I didn't, like, mean it that way or anything.
Um, so, yeah, uh, just—
I just wanna talk to you. Please call me back.
Bye.
Why did you think you would lose her?
Because, like...
How could it be possible that Rue loved me
as much as I loved her?
I think the better question is
why would you think that would be impossible?
I can't tell you how many times
we'd just be, like, texting and texting.
And the next thing I know, it would be, like, four in the morning,
and I hadn't slept, and I didn't want to.
Like, I'd never tell her this, but...
I feel like I got to know him better than I knew Rue.
We used to sext forever.
Like, about anything and everything.
I know it might, like, sound a little weird, but...
It was, like, genuinely the best sex I've ever had.
What made it so fulfilling?
It was just pure fucking imagination.
All day I've been thinking about you.
Dreaming about you.
And all the things I want to do to you.
I wish I could see your face...
and all the colors in your eyes.
Would you blush if I told you I loved you?
Tyler I'm gonna fuck you until you're soaking wet.
Tyler?
Why are there no photos of us?
Because whoever I was talking to didn't exist.
Tyler?
Jules, it's okay.
Come here.
How could none of it have been real?
It felt so real.
I wish I never met him.
I'm still in love with Tyler.
And I don't know when that's gonna change.
Rue...
- Don't look at my face.
Rue.
Guess what?
Rue!
Rue?
Rue!
Maybe it's 'cause of, like, everything with my mom.
But I just had this, like,
really bad nightmare about...
living in New York City with Rue.
When I got home, uh...
she was in the bathroom.
- Rue?
Can you please answer me?
But, like, she had locked it from the inside.
Rue, please!
Rue, open the door!
Then, like,
by the time I opened the door...
I can't, like, say it out loud.
Rue! Rue!
- Rue!
Come on—
Rue!
Rue! Open the—
Don't fucking do this to me!
Hi, Jules.
Hey.
You look really pretty.
I wanted to say hi, and—
It's okay. Hang tight.
How could you just, like, fucking ambush me like that?
How could you fucking do this to me?
Like, why didn't we talk about this?
Because I knew that you wouldn't give her a chance.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a reason.
Like, I can't handle this right now.
I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think you could handle it.
What? So, like, it's for my own good?
Jules, she's been clean. She's doing really well.
All she wants as part of her recovery
is to make amends.
Wait, what?
She wants to apologize.
You have to be fucking kidding me.
She wants my forgiveness?
My forgiveness?
So that, what, she doesn't, like, fucking
drink herself to death because she's so guilty?
Don't be fucking cruel!
- Jules: I don't care! - David: Yeah. You do.
I swear to God, Dad, I don't fucking care!
Okay. Fine.
If you really don't care,
and this really means nothing to you,
then just go downstairs
and let her apologize.
Even if it's not real?
Even if it's not real.
Okay.
Okay. Fine.
Jules.
It was a week later.
On Halloween.
Uh, well, yeah.
How long was she missing for?
Jesus Christ. And, and you found bottles in the room?
Oh, God...
How, how long does the hospital want to keep her?
Jules...
- Uh, that's Rue.
Hey. Jules.
- David: Jules, open up.
You gotta come home, Jules.
I can't come back.
You're 17, you know. You cannot live alone.
This is not real life, Jules!
I can't, I can't go back to East Highland.
- David: Open the door.
You're coming home.
I'm not leaving here without you!
I don't belong there.
- Jules, I'm begging you.
Open the door!
Okay, well, that's all the time we have for this week.
Sorry if that was a lot.
I'm the one person you never have to apologize to.
Thanks.
I know this is our first session,
and I know you didn't want to come, but I'm glad you did.
I hope you are, too.
Okay, so, just be patient with yourself.
And have a wonderful New Year.
Merry Christmas.
I'm Jewish.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Don't be.
It's a way better holiday.
Okay.
- Rue: Jules? - Rue?
Hi.
I, um...
Uh, I was just...
riding my bike, um,
to go meet Ali,
and I passed your house.
And I...
I don't know. I— It's Christmastime, so...
I just... Your, your dad let me in.
Uh, uh, yeah. He's really mad at me.
Um, I'm grounded.
And, uh, in therapy. So, um...
Uh...
I really missed you.
Missed you, too.
Um...
Um, and I'm really sorry about, like,
everything that happened at the train station,
and leaving and stuff. Um...
It was really fucking stupid.
Ah, fuck. I don't know why I'm crying.
I just get really emotional during the holidays, that's all.
- It's okay. Um... - Rue: Um...
Yeah, Merry Christmas, Jules.