Lexi...
We're ready.
Wasn't it a lovely memorial?
Oh, yes. It was up. It wasn't down at all.
A good heart, and, you know,
she takes after him.
Thanks, Grandma.
- It was so warm and from the heart. - Yes, it was.
- It was just— It was lovely, dear. - Wasn't it, wasn't it?
You know what? He was a special man.
Did he have life insurance?
Uh... a little bit.
We'll figure it out.
But he was young.
Yeah, he, he was young.
Are you gonna be able to— The house, the kids?
We'll figure it out. Good, good.
- It's, it's gotta be a relief. - Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
- Hey. - How's it goin' over there?
She's asking me all these questions. Oh, yeah?
- She skipped class. - Is anyone gonna check on her?
- Is Rue in her room? - Yeah.
- She hasn't opened the door. - Do you think she's okay?
Don't just stand here and gossip. It's rude.
Rue?
- Hey. Hey.
These were my dad's.
How are you feeling?
Yeah. I... found this poem, and I thought of you.
If it's C.S. Lewis, I can't.
- No, it's not. I promise. - Every hospice nurse says
that "Grief is a long valley."
Yeah, but that's not the full quote.
Yeah, well, it's enough for me.
Well, the second part's kind of sweet.
What is it?
Uh, "A winding valley where every bend...
may reveal a new landscape."
That's not that bad.
Can I read this to you?
Uh, yeah, I'd love that.
Uh...
It's called "Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower"
by Rainer Maria Rilke.
"Quiet friend who has come so far,
"feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
"Let this darkness be a bell tower and you the bell.
"As you ring, what batters you becomes your strength.
"Move back and forth into the change.
"What is it like, such intensity of pain?
"If the drink is bitter, turn yourself into wine.
"In this uncontainable night,
"be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
"the meaning discovered there.
"And if the world has ceased to hear you,
"say to the silent I flow.
To the rushing water, I am."
I knew Jade had been doing drugs,
but it wasn't until that day,
at her dad's memorial,
that I realized they were a greater comfort
than I ever could be.
Maybe that's a silly observation,
but I was only 13.
It was the summer before I started ninth grade...
back when we thought we'd all be friends forever.
Move.
Move, move, move!
Lights, four, go.
There were five of us.
There was me, Grace...
My sister, Hallie...
Her best friend, Marta...
Marta's best friend, Luna.
And my best friend, Jade.
Bring out the fucking letters now.
And this is life.
Not everyone's life...
But our life!
Oh, that's fuckin' cool.
Wait, is this fucking play about us?
For the last few months,
Lexi had been talking to Fezco every day.
But I still don't understand what the play is actually about, though.
It's about friendship.
Well, that's nice. Everybody's gonna love that.
Yeah, I-I mean, I hope so.
I just— I keep second-guessing myself
and getting anxious, like, if people are gonna think
that it's good or bad,
or if it's gonna upset people or not.
But why would anyone be upset by it?
Oh, you know, it's, it's based on real people.
Yeah, you really strokin' the bee's nest with that one.
- Am I? - I mean...
if someone invited me to a play, and...
they didn't even tell me I was a character in it?
I'd definitely have some questions.
Like, bad questions?
Depends on the play.
Well, would you be upset by it?
It depends on the play.
- Right. And the intentions of the person who made the play.
My intentions are good.
Then you ain't got nothin' to worry about.
But... what if they think my intentions aren't good
when in reality they are good?
Well, that's what I call a quandary.
What's the answer?
Uh, wait, what was the question again?
Like, what happens if Cassie sees the play
and thinks I'm being cruel, even though I'm not?
Well, how about you just don't invite her then?
No, she'd get so mad.
Even more mad than if she actually saw the play?
That's— I don't know.
Okay, this might kinda be
a weird and embarrassing thing to admit,
but I think the most defining moment of my adolescence
was when my sister went through puberty.
- Uck, I look disgusting.
Hey, Hallie, I'm in the middle of somethin'.
It's just this dress is so not flattering.
Hallie, I'm kinda puttin' on a play right now. What?
Like, there's an entire audience
waiting for me to continue talking.
Where?
Right here.
Oh, Hi. Wow.
Whatever. The point is, I couldn't wait
to go through puberty.
Wow, wow, wow!
Look at you!
- I feel like a big baby. - Hallie...
I've been on this planet for 38 goddamn years,
and I have never seen a baby with knockers like yours.
Mom, that was the grossest thing I've ever heard you say.
Okay.
Lights, 12, go.
Look, I know being informed, smart, hardworking, and curious
are all very important qualities,
but imagine having all of those qualities and also being hot.
So, if Hallie was 433 days older than me,
then all I would have to do is wait...
433 days, and I'd look just like her.
- Yo, Ash, get the door, man.
Okay, I need you to pull it way back.
You're too broad. It's not funny.
Oh my god. Are you crying?
It's a directorial note. You just take it and move on, okay?
Hey, I need the light cues to be 40% faster,
- and the stagehands to be 20% faster. Copy that.
Ew! God! What the— Did someone die in this dress?
It smells like shit.
I love the theater.
What we got goin' on?
- Freshly steamed. - Ooh.
Yes, yes, yes.
You da best.
Mmm. Yeah, we steppin' out tonight.
Ooh, bless your heart.
Nah, I really do appreciate you doin' that, though.
Damn, what's good?
Yo, wassup, man?
Yo, I'm, I'm, actually, a little busy.
I'm, I'm gettin' ready to go out.
We goin' to a party?
Where you goin'?
Don't worry about what I'm doin', man. Worry about yourself.
All right. I'mma just chill then.
This is your dream.
Mick...
don't screw this up.
Lights, 12, go.
I could see myself now.
Damn! Shit! - I'd be the girl...
- no one ever... could get. Is that Lexi?
- Hi.
- Hey, Ted, how are you? - Woo!
Damn! Oh shit!
Hey, boys. How are you?
Shit!
And I'd imagine my former classmates...
sitting around at barbecues
in their dirty, dirty backyards
20 years from now.
Man... I really wish I'd boned Lexi Howard.
Yeah, you and the rest of East Highland.
All I had to do was wait.
Light, 86, go.
- Look, Lexi, some guys prefer smaller boobs. Yeah?
I mean, if you and I could trade bodies,
I'd do it in a heartbeat.
- Well maybe they're still growing. - No, they're not.
- Well, sometimes, it takes— - No, they're fully formed.
To be honest, I'm not really the kind of person
who wants to be known for their body.
But I also didn't want the troubles that came along with it.
I wasn't even looking at him, I swear.
You're the only person I've ever dreamed of.
Well, she certainly looks the part.
I feel like I've lived most of my life in my imagination.
Taking the smallest moments
and dreaming them up into something bigger.
Of course, I'mma be there.
I'mma be sittin' in the front row, shorty.
- I promise you that. - Okay.
A little exchange and I fall in love.
A moment to myself and I'm onstage.
But reality always finds a way of pulling me back.
Do you think he's okay?
I think he's just sleeping.
It's the middle of the day.
I think we should have Mom come pick us up.
- Don't be rude. - It doesn't matter if it's rude.
I don't want him to think that we don't trust him.
Come on, girls.
Get in the car.
Come on, Lex.
Uh, I just need, like, like an eighth of weed. That's all.
I can help with that. - All right.
Uh, yo, I'll just be a second.
I think before high school we should think about
all the things we don't like about ourselves...
and then change them, so we can be, like,
like, different, cooler people.
I don't think we need to be cooler.
Well, we should at least try and know what's cool.
Yeah, but that shit, like, changes all the time.
That's what makes it hard to follow.
Yeah, but I think it's a good thing.
But... what if we get excluded from things?
That's also a good thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
My dad says he refuses to be a part of any club
that would have him as a member.
Well, that's cool.
Yeah, don't tell anyone. They'll fuckin' ruin it.
Jade was the first person who made me feel okay about not being cool.
Lights, 10, go.
I just feel like in 10 years,
technology's gonna get really scary,
and we're all gonna wish we'd never used it.
What are you talking about?
Well, all these tech companies are simultaneously
developing artificial intelligence and robotics,
so it's only a matter of time before they
become the new military-industrial complex
and start making killer robots.
I think there's a big difference
between taking selfies and killer robots.
Yeah, maybe now, but that gap will close.
But anyway, back to where I was.
We talked and laughed for hours that night.
I miss those days.
It was before my dad left and Jade's dad died.
Before Jade got into heavy drugs,
and before I got inside my head.
It was before we grew apart,
and before I started doubting myself
every time someone would ask me if Jade was my best friend.
"Let this darkness be a bell tower...
and you the bell."
Feel like I don't know anything about your life anymore.
I'll tell you when you get back.
- Good night. - Good night.
Um... do you ever worry as you get older...
you'll have less and less memories of Dad?
Yeah.
How do you stop that from happening?
You can't.
I... I remember a couple of days before you passed away...
you told me...
that if I ever wanted to be with you...
all I would have to do is close my eyes...
and we'd be together.
You said that... memories exist outside of time.
Hey, come on! Come join us.
I sometimes think about how my sister and I
had so many of the same wishes growing up...
and how different we became.
At that age, we all thought we knew what love looked like.
And we had our suspicions of what it felt like.
But that's also what made it so intoxicating.
None of us had any idea what it actually was.
I don't think there's anything more beautiful
than dedicating your life to loving someone.
I think that's my biggest dream...
To be your girl...
To love you more than anything.
You could never scare me.
I don't know if I wanna do this.
It's just weed. It's not heroin.
Lexi wildin' out today.
- You okay? - My god, that really burns.
My whole life, I've always had this feeling
that at any moment, something horrible was about to happen.
Psst.
Faye!
Come here.
Be cool.
I love you.
Yo, Faye! Yeah?
Come here for a split second.
I'll be right there.
Tie or no tie?
- You okay? - Um...
Yeah, I'm good.
Yo, you got her lookin' like that,
that white guy with the afro.
He be paintin' on TV.
- Fuckin' Bob Ross.
- She looks like Bob Ross. Bobby, Bobby, it's a fire!
- We gotta, We gotta go. We gotta go. Yeah. - It's a fire! C'mon, c'mon!
I don't think I like weed.
Yeah, well, that's... crazy talk.
I just can't control my brain the same way... I normally can.
Yeah, but that's, like, the best part.
All right, well, see ya later, homie. Good night.
Get home safe.
Okay.
I think Jade used drugs
to push away all the bad thoughts.
But it did the opposite for me.
All I could think about were the bad thoughts.
The things that could go wrong...
the people I could lose...
and the million and one reasons why I'm not good enough.
Jules and I hadn't spoken since that bullshit intervention.
Even though I see her around.
It's funny how I used to think we were meant for each other.
That feels like a lifetime ago.
What's up?
You broke me.
Completely broke me.
I give up.
Hey...
you wanna kill yourself doin' drugs? Go ahead.
I'm not gonna stand in your way.
- So I can do drugs? - Yeah.
- Anything I want? - The world's your oyster.
- Mom, are you fucking with me right now? - No.
If you wanna fry every last brain cell in your head,
go ahead.
What? What?
- That's exciting to you, huh? - What?
Bein' a crackhead?
I just feel like there's a catch here.
I can't convince you that your life is important.
You're gonna have to make that decision on your own.
You'll be 18 soon... and outta my house.
And you're gonna make whatever decisions you're gonna make.
I'm takin' you off my plate.
Okay.
I'm gonna focus on Gia.
Yeah, but she's fine, though.
She's been gettin' D's in math.
Yeah.
She's been in detention
three times in the past two weeks.
And every mornin', when I go into her room
to make sure she's awake,
she already up... on the phone.
And I know she's not getting any sleep.
But if you say she's fine... I'll just take your word for it.
I didn't know any of that.
Why would you?
You only ever think about yourself.
That's not true, Mom.
If I have to choose between losin' one daughter or two?
I'mma fight to save her.
Nah, that's fair.
Move it, move it, move it.
When Hallie and Marta entered ninth grade,
they became inseparable.
When I first met Marta, she made me nervous.
I had never seen anyone as sure of themself as her.
Because of that, I didn't really trust her.
Woo!
Until her parents started fighting all the time
and she basically moved in with us for a few months.
D'ya like it?
I feel stupid.
What? Everyone feels stupid. Who cares?
- You feel stupid? - Yeah, I did.
And then, I just chose not to feel stupid.
I don't know if... I can... really get to that point.
90% of life is confidence.
And the thing about confidence is no one knows if it's real or not.
Okay, okay, I'm not runnin' a brothel here.
All right, girls? It's time for bed.
It's supposed to be me.
Oh, that's supposed to be me.
All righty, beauty queens. It's time for bed. Good night.
Good night, sugar pops.
Marta...
Yeah?
You can sleep in my bed if you want.
My parents used to fight all the time, too, so I get it.
You can stay here as long as you want.
Open the fucking door, Cassie.
Open the door and tell me it was worth it.
You owe me that.
Open the fucking door, Cassie!
What kind of fucking friend are you?
What the fuck?
This isn't about Nate.
This is about you and me
and our friendship, and if you wanna
throw it away, then fine.
'Cause I don't wanna be fucking friends with you.
Come here, babe. Let's go.
I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of it.
He put me through hell and now he's with my fucking best friend?
Like, what the fuck?
It's fucked up. - When is it gonna end?
It's fucked up.
Open the fucking door, Cassie!
Open the fucking door!
She's not gonna open it. Let's just go.
Open the door!
Maddy, come on.
You're a fucking coward.
You're a fucking coward,
and I would've never done this to you.
I would've never done this to you.
Am I everything you wished for?
I would love for you to fuck me...
whenever and... however you want.
You can control what I wear...
what I eat...
who I talk to.
I want every guy you know to wanna fuck me...
but they can't.
Because they know I'm yours.
I belong to you...
and I will never complain
because I trust you know what's best.
Aren't you afraid people are gonna look down on ya?
At least I'm loved.
Jake and Marta's relationship
was our first impression of love.
No one's ever loved me as much as you.
No one ever will.
Shh, shh, shh.
It's just a dream.
- Shh... Quiet.
But every relationship has its cracks.
Some bigger than others.
- I'm afraid to tell him. - Mm-hm.
Do you think he's gonna cry?
- He might. - Mm, don't say that.
- But he might.
I just feel bad.
Bad enough to stay in East Highland for the rest of your life?
Fuck no.
Oh, you've made your decision.
I just feel like I'm gonna break his heart.
- It's good practice.
I got you something.
- What? You didn't have to. - I know.
Somethin' tells me you'll enjoy it.
Ugh, hurry up!
Okay, this is it, people!
It's fuckin' showtime! Let's go!
I need more energy, passion!
- More glycerol, Sarah. - But it makes my skin break out.
I don't fuckin' care.
- You ready? - Yeah, I'm fuckin' ready.
- Yeah, you ready? - Yeah, I'm fuckin' re—
Okay, Bobbi. if Mick fucks up another light cue,
I'm gonna fuckin' kill him.
Mick, you were two seconds
too late on that light cue.
Lexi is very angry with you.
Copy that. I'm really sorry.
He says sorry. - Okay, I don't fuckin' care.
Tell him we'll replace him.
- We don't have anyone to replace him with. - Just threaten him.
Mick, I am relaying a message directly from Lexi.
If you mess up again, we will replace you.
With who?
- He's asking with who. - Literally anybody. Any—
Mick, Mick, y-you— A blind three-year-old could do a better job than you.
All right, babe. Time for me and the boys to work out.
You guys are so gay.
- Babe, that's not funny.
By the way, your friend never came to pick up his ticket.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Man...
Whoo!
Tie... no tie?
I think you look handsome with no tie.
All right, fuck this shit then.
Yo, you think, uh...
you think other people will think that I look handsome?
I do.
Cool... I'm finna go put my pants on.
How ya doin', playa?
All right, uh... I'm finna head out.
Wait, you're, uh, you're leavin'?
Yeah, I'm about to leave right now.
Is-is everything good?
All right, c'mon. Get outta here.
Run along, babe.
Man, whoo!
All right. Come on, tiger.
Come on, let's pump some iron, boys!
Hey, Paulie. Could you rub a smidgen of oil on my back?
I can't reach. My pecs are gettin' too freakin' big.
Anything for you, Jake.
Hey, Jake. Your body's fantastic. Can I help?
Lexi, you're a fuckin' G!
It's goin' good, right?
She's brilliant. Lexi's brilliant.
- Nate. - Why the fuck are they laughing?
- Nate! - That shit is so fuckin' homophobic.
Babe, I'm so sorry. I had no idea Lex—
- She's your fuckin' sister! - No, I—
- I, I— No— - You know what, pack your shit. Get the fuck outta my house.
I'm fuckin' done.