Good morning. I've come down to this floor
because corporate has figured out
giving tours of the brewery.
And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.
That's great!
Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.
- Hello? - Mr. Lloyd?
This is Peter Griffin. I quit.
And I never sent in my pledge
for your niece's "Stand Up to Cancer" 5K.
Hey, how's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?
- Very sick. - Ah, terrific.
Well, it was an honor just to help.
Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide...
a blazer five people hung themselves in,
khakis that look dirty
no matter how many times you wash them,
and a wet, brown banana for lunch.
Awesome. I love telling people where to go,
like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.
There. At 11:45,
they take the grease traps out the back door.
You sneak right in and take all the hamburgers you want.
- Robble, robble. - Hey, man,
I thought you just wanted to score some hamburgers.
These kids don't have to die, man.
Robble. Robble.
Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble.
Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.
All right, quick quiz...
how many of you have heard of beer before?
Wow, half. That's pretty good.
You can get a little closer, gang, I don't bite.
- Ow! - Too close!
And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale
is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island.
Fascinating.
Hey, shouldn't you be doing the news?
Oh, no, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers."
Now, an update. Apparently,
the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed.
Tou... "Touth Sower?" What?
"Touth..." Okay, let's go again.
I'm Tom Tower... Holy crap.
And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience
about our founder, Pawtucket Pat,
in these headsets that are definitely clean.
Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat.
I signed a contract to do this,
then learned it filmed the same day
as Ben and J. Lo's wedding.
Yet another great decision by ol' Case.
You'll cut that, right?
Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771,
looking for a better life.
The seas were very rough.
Pretty realistic, right?
When Pat finally reached the shore,
the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows
to his colonial penis.
Dear God, why's we experiencing this?
Please save your questions for the end.
In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence,
saying the only thing we need independence from
is wives who won't let us drink.
He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs
on his way out of town, all of which are true.
Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built
on a platform 9,000 feet in the air.
Just take off your headsets.
The fall proved to be fatal.
Oh, yeah, and right before Pawtucket Pat died,
he pooped his pants.
We have pants available in the gift shop.
Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is?
So we did learn. Great.
Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions? Yes?
How come Jeff Bezos wears that big, weird cowboy hat
when he rides his spaceship?
I-I don't... I don't know, Joe.
Well, that's the tour, folks. Please either tip me
or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out.
Coward.
Coward. Coward.
Coward.
Friggin' cheapskate.
Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery,
and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.
- It's Brett Kavanaugh. - Brett Ratner?
- No. That's Brett Ratner. - Brett Favre?
No. That's a different scumbag Brett.
I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.
He'd like to take the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.
Sure. I don't got a problem with anyone
except Jennifer Connelly's husband.
- I love beer! - That's him now.
Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.
Hey, just call me Brett. All right, guys, skedaddle.
I'm so pumped.
I've toured every brewery in the country
except this one. I love beer!
Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.
I scream it all the time. It's kind of how I got my job.
- Me too. - That's awesome.
Tour time. I love beer!
Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.
Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.
Look at us. We're bloated kindred spirits.
We even look alike.
We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.
And you know everything about her...
her moods, her little whims, her musk.
Show me her world, Peter.
Show me your... beer.
Double keg stand. Are there any chicks watching?
No. Even better, just guys.
One thing I do know...
beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.
Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec,
and... you're gonna feel pretty silly.
Yes. We got to experience what it's like to be beer.
And we drank our own pee in the can.
- No, we didn't. - Right. No, yeah, right.
Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.
That's all I want people to say.
Last one in's a rotten egg!
I will not be a rotten egg.
Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.
I'm very drunk, Peter. There are a lot of yous.
I see a lot of yous.
- Synchronized swimming? - You know it.
All people want to do is scream at me
in steakhouses about women's bodies.
Yeah. My wife hates you,
which kind of makes me secretly like you.
Hey, Brett? Do you think that we'll still
- be friends at college? - I don't know, man.
Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night.
Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh?
"Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me?
"Just kidding. I don't want my life anymore.
"You take it. Brett. "PS, this is the first time
"I've ever put clothes on anyone
without their consent. Ha, ha, ha."
Justice Kavanaugh?
It's him.
Did you guys see that chick in accounting?
Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will.
- It's really him. - All right, let's get him back
to the Supreme Court of the United States of America,
where he serves a lifetime appointment
as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices.
It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide
if women can have abortions.
So, anyone watch anything interesting last night?
Okay, I'm finally gonna say something.
Or would it be weird, after being here 30 years,
if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"?
You can do this, Clarence. Here goes.
There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh.
Sorry I'm late. The steps outside
are perfect for a slinky.
Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett.
Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?
Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett.
Right, sorry.
Hon, coffee?
No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
Yes, and I will definitely remember your name
and not butcher it relentlessly going forward.
- Toots, coffee? - Stick it, Brett.
I'm Justice Elena Kagan. Ha-cha-cha.
Okay, ready for our morning introduction?
Gathered together from Harvard and Yale...
except the last lady Trump appointed...
are the most boring forces of good ever assembled.
John Roberts.
Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.
Elena Kagan.
Ah.
Get a visible car, bitch.
Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess.
And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson.
We hate each other, though.
With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.
It's me, Peter.
Ah.
They're trying not to die
until someone from their party is presiden.
These are the Supreme Friends.
All right, let's pick a case.
We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding,
a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary,
a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday...
Is it just all people mad about cakes?
It's mostly cakes, yes.
Although there is this case,
Hometown Buffet v. Peter Griffin.
If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table,
it is part of the buffet.
What'll it be, fellas?
- Three beers. - Sorry, can't. We're all out.
What? How is that possible?
"The Kav" drank it all.
Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.
- I hate that guy. - Me too.
'Sup, I'm the Kav. Mind if I sit down?
- Kind of. - Come on, I know my reputation,
but can't we have one beer?
Fine. One beer.
- You guys play golf? - Occasionally.
You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go
where you thought it would?
Sometimes.
You ever putt and it just, like, misses?
Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.
You ever get stuck in a sand trap
and you can't stop crying 'cause deep down
you know your dad hates you?
Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.
Guys, we got to party together.
This weekend? Squee's mom's beach house?
- Sounds epic. - Party at the shore.
What's the stair situation there?
There's a flight of stairs to get in.
Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place.
- Still in. - 100% in.
Well, we can figure that out later as a group.
Therefore, in order to qualify
for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI...
Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting.
- With regard to the claim of forum non conveniens... - Boo!
We're not turning for that.
That was a great idea, everybody.
Let's take lunch.
Hey, how about today we eat at the Mall?
Okay, Clarence,
there's never gonna be a better setup to make
your "Supreme Food Court" joke. Here goes.
Hey, if we're going to the Mall,
how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court?
It's like he heard my thought.
That's right, Clarence. I can hear thoughts.
But it only works on white-haired black guys.
Do you want to know how Danny Glover
really felt about Mel Gibson?
- Lois, what's going on with... - My hair? My beard?
Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington,
I'm doing everything.
Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye mysel.
Well, that'll make him want to come back.
Lois, this is the first time in our marriage
I've ever done anything for me.
What? I've let yu drink with your friends
at a bar every night for the last 22 years.
Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point.
You know, Peter, if you took it seriously,
being on the Supreme Court is actually a huge opportunity.
Hmm. How so?
The New York Times is reporting
that tomorrow the court is hearing a case
- to repeal gay marriage. - They are?
You could potentially help save the families
of millions of gay Americans.
You know, Brian's right, Peter.
I am tired of your shenanigans,
but this... this is a chance to do some real good.
Peter, would you stop playing with filters and listen to me?
Okay, I've taken my filters off.
- Peter... - What? I've just been drinking a lot of water.
Do you, uh... do you have an OnlyFans?
I just sent you a DM. My wish list is in my bio.
All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four.
Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not?
Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?
- Yes. - And "no" means yes gay marriage?
- Yes. - Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"?
God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone
with this "no means yes" stuff.
Gay marriage... what is your decision?
Well, Alito's right,
the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage.
Yes! Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that.
But also, all people are equal under the law,
which is why we must not only ban gay marriage,
we have to ban straight marriage.
Then let's do it! I hate my crazy wife!
I did it. I spoke.
Clarence, you forgot your lunch.
Thanks, baby.
Ugh. It sucks that this is the only hat
to overthrow democracy in.
This is absurd. We can't ban all marriage.
The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff.
Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now.
Could you do it or would you have to ask?
I'd have to ask.
Ask to have a beer?
How is that freedom?
You know what freedom is?
Imagine you can't forget your anniversary.
Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.
Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it.
This sounds sexist.
Imagine a bar of soap in the shower
- with no pubes on it. - Touché.
You know, this would stop everyone
from asking, "How come she's not married?"
I just need one more vote. Roberts?
I don't know.
No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits.
We'd be done by 11:00 every day
- the rest of our lives. - In.
We did it, guys. We changed the way everything works
without asking anyone,
just like America wants.
You got to love small beach towns
with no economic opportunities.
They should have a wet undies contest for guys.
- Shut up, Joe. - Men should not say "undies."
And the winner of $18
and a free base-level car wash is...
Diana DiGuacamo!
What? That's insane!
Whoa, Kav.
What the hell? Amber should have won.
Why are you so mad? Diana had the nicest bazongas.
Look at the banner, Glenn.
It's not a nicest bazongas contest,
it's a wet T-shirt contest.
And Amber's shirt was the wettest.
But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt
is to reward the most comely bosom.
Then why have T-shirts at all?
Why not just hand the trophy
to the woman with the biggest milk monsters?
Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf
absolutely everywhere.
Wet T-shirt contests have rules.
That's all that separates us from animals.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I just need to make a brief, passionate speech.
Okay, I'll come back.
I like rules. And I like beer.
And I used to think I had to choose
between making arbitrary regulations
that govern every aspect of everyone's life
and getting blackout drunk 24/7,
but I don't have to choose.
I can do both. I can do both!
Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.
Guys, I got to get back to D.C.
But first, let's write down everything
in our calendars that happened the last three days.
- Why? - So 30 years from now
we can prove we didn't rape anyone.
Wait, how would an old,
handwritten calendar prove anything?
Trust me, it's enough.
Adios, bros.
That guy was a little creepy, even for me.
Thanks for coming to D.C. to help me, Brian.
Of course. I can't believe they chose you
to write a Supreme Court opinion.
They must really trust you.
Actually, I was just the last judge to say "not it."
Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day,
- so he was immune. - What can I do to help?
Can you send Lauren Boebert a "You up?" text?
She's already blocked my number.
Sir, I've written my opinion.
- Is this a joke? - No.
Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time,
he is incapable of joking, sir.
Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.
You're constantly late, drunk,
and somehow don't even know the basics of the law.
I've never done this before,
nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired.
That's not Brett Kavanaugh!
I am.
And I can prove it.
No, that's okay.
Now that you're both in front of me,
it's glaringly obvious.
We should really get seats that face each other.
Well, now that that distraction's out of the way,
let's get back to banning only gay marriage,
like the Founding Fathers intended.
Sir, you need to leave.
I just need to say one thing.
Sure, I'll work around your schedule.
Okay, so I'm not a judge,
but let's talk about the Founding Fathers.
If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth,
and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now,
would you say, "Let's do everything he says"?
Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"?
So, you really want to stick it to gay people?
I mean, that's kind of
why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah.
Then why let gay people sleep in,
have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro?
Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys
and have endless casual sex?
You want to take away their freedom?
Let them get married.
Huh. Maybe you're not an idiot.
I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.
A toast to Peter Griffin,
who brought some common sense to this court.
I didn't. Beer did.
Thanks, booze.
Hey, this is non-alcoholic.
I've learned my lesson.
I've listened, grown and changed.
I swear on the Bible.
Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage.
Oh, I just told them how happy we are,
and how everyone deserves that for themselves.
- Aw. - Well, like every political figure
with a conflicted conscience in movies,
I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet?
No, we just accept that anyone could get shot
anywhere at any time.
Well, as long as my beloved Republican party
is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.