1 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,749 Good morning. I've come down to this floor 2 00:00:37,784 --> 00:00:39,308 because corporate has figured out 3 00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:42,328 giving tours of the brewery. 4 00:00:42,405 --> 00:00:44,255 And Peter, I've chosen you for the job. 5 00:00:44,332 --> 00:00:45,665 That's great! 6 00:00:45,817 --> 00:00:48,009 Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it. 7 00:00:50,672 --> 00:00:51,763 - Hello? - Mr. Lloyd? 8 00:00:51,839 --> 00:00:54,006 This is Peter Griffin. I quit. 9 00:00:54,083 --> 00:00:55,675 And I never sent in my pledge 10 00:00:55,751 --> 00:00:58,161 for your niece's "Stand Up to Cancer" 5K. 11 00:00:58,163 --> 00:01:00,513 Hey, how's your niece, by the way, she doing all right? 12 00:01:00,589 --> 00:01:02,165 - Very sick. - Ah, terrific. 13 00:01:02,167 --> 00:01:03,683 Well, it was an honor just to help. 14 00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:06,277 Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide... 15 00:01:06,354 --> 00:01:08,796 a blazer five people hung themselves in, 16 00:01:08,873 --> 00:01:09,930 khakis that look dirty 17 00:01:10,008 --> 00:01:11,691 no matter how many times you wash them, 18 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,859 and a wet, brown banana for lunch. 19 00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:15,954 Awesome. I love telling people where to go, 20 00:01:16,030 --> 00:01:18,915 like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar. 21 00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,034 There. At 11:45, 22 00:01:22,111 --> 00:01:24,278 they take the grease traps out the back door. 23 00:01:24,355 --> 00:01:26,780 You sneak right in and take all the hamburgers you want. 24 00:01:26,858 --> 00:01:28,191 - Robble, robble. - Hey, man, 25 00:01:28,209 --> 00:01:30,095 I thought you just wanted to score some hamburgers. 26 00:01:30,119 --> 00:01:31,636 These kids don't have to die, man. 27 00:01:31,713 --> 00:01:34,197 Robble. Robble. 28 00:01:34,199 --> 00:01:37,100 Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble. 29 00:01:39,704 --> 00:01:43,130 Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour. 30 00:01:43,208 --> 00:01:44,465 All right, quick quiz... 31 00:01:44,542 --> 00:01:46,967 how many of you have heard of beer before? 32 00:01:47,045 --> 00:01:48,711 Wow, half. That's pretty good. 33 00:01:48,713 --> 00:01:51,063 You can get a little closer, gang, I don't bite. 34 00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,065 - Ow! - Too close! 35 00:01:54,143 --> 00:01:56,719 And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale 36 00:01:56,721 --> 00:02:00,665 is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island. 37 00:02:00,742 --> 00:02:01,891 Fascinating. 38 00:02:01,893 --> 00:02:03,220 Hey, shouldn't you be doing the news? 39 00:02:03,244 --> 00:02:05,745 Oh, no, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers." 40 00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:07,005 Now, an update. Apparently, 41 00:02:07,081 --> 00:02:09,232 the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed. 42 00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:10,750 Tou... "Touth Sower?" What? 43 00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,677 "Touth..." Okay, let's go again. 44 00:02:12,754 --> 00:02:15,162 I'm Tom Tower... Holy crap. 45 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,165 And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience 46 00:02:18,243 --> 00:02:20,243 about our founder, Pawtucket Pat, 47 00:02:20,278 --> 00:02:22,937 in these headsets that are definitely clean. 48 00:02:25,266 --> 00:02:27,767 Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat. 49 00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,343 I signed a contract to do this, 50 00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:30,655 then learned it filmed the same day 51 00:02:30,679 --> 00:02:31,845 as Ben and J. Lo's wedding. 52 00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:33,939 Yet another great decision by ol' Case. 53 00:02:34,016 --> 00:02:35,424 You'll cut that, right? 54 00:02:35,426 --> 00:02:39,537 Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771, 55 00:02:39,614 --> 00:02:40,780 looking for a better life. 56 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,598 The seas were very rough. 57 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:43,875 Pretty realistic, right? 58 00:02:46,954 --> 00:02:48,604 When Pat finally reached the shore, 59 00:02:48,606 --> 00:02:50,864 the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows 60 00:02:50,942 --> 00:02:52,592 to his colonial penis. 61 00:02:54,612 --> 00:02:56,946 Dear God, why's we experiencing this? 62 00:02:56,948 --> 00:02:58,539 Please save your questions for the end. 63 00:02:58,558 --> 00:03:02,894 In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence, 64 00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:05,262 saying the only thing we need independence from 65 00:03:05,339 --> 00:03:06,731 is wives who won't let us drink. 66 00:03:06,808 --> 00:03:10,050 He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs 67 00:03:10,128 --> 00:03:12,219 on his way out of town, all of which are true. 68 00:03:12,297 --> 00:03:14,417 Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built 69 00:03:14,465 --> 00:03:16,741 on a platform 9,000 feet in the air. 70 00:03:19,304 --> 00:03:21,079 Just take off your headsets. 71 00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:24,582 The fall proved to be fatal. 72 00:03:24,659 --> 00:03:26,453 Oh, yeah, and right before Pawtucket Pat died, 73 00:03:26,477 --> 00:03:27,810 he pooped his pants. 74 00:03:27,812 --> 00:03:30,129 We have pants available in the gift shop. 75 00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:37,837 Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is? 76 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,430 So we did learn. Great. 77 00:03:39,507 --> 00:03:42,600 Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions? Yes? 78 00:03:42,677 --> 00:03:45,586 How come Jeff Bezos wears that big, weird cowboy hat 79 00:03:45,663 --> 00:03:47,163 when he rides his spaceship? 80 00:03:47,165 --> 00:03:49,089 I-I don't... I don't know, Joe. 81 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,851 Well, that's the tour, folks. Please either tip me 82 00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:54,337 or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out. 83 00:03:54,339 --> 00:03:55,596 Coward. 84 00:03:55,673 --> 00:03:57,431 Coward. Coward. 85 00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:58,432 Coward. 86 00:03:58,451 --> 00:03:59,766 Friggin' cheapskate. 87 00:03:59,768 --> 00:04:01,119 Griffin, I'm glad I caught you. 88 00:04:01,195 --> 00:04:03,770 There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery, 89 00:04:03,848 --> 00:04:05,865 and it's a bit of a sensitive matter. 90 00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:08,184 - It's Brett Kavanaugh. - Brett Ratner? 91 00:04:08,186 --> 00:04:11,111 - No. That's Brett Ratner. - Brett Favre? 92 00:04:11,189 --> 00:04:13,038 No. That's a different scumbag Brett. 93 00:04:13,115 --> 00:04:15,191 I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice. 94 00:04:15,193 --> 00:04:17,877 He'd like to take the tour, and I don't want a spectacle. 95 00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,862 Sure. I don't got a problem with anyone 96 00:04:19,864 --> 00:04:21,191 except Jennifer Connelly's husband. 97 00:04:21,215 --> 00:04:24,308 - I love beer! - That's him now. 98 00:04:26,980 --> 00:04:29,129 Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin. 99 00:04:29,207 --> 00:04:32,483 Hey, just call me Brett. All right, guys, skedaddle. 100 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:33,726 I'm so pumped. 101 00:04:33,802 --> 00:04:35,636 I've toured every brewery in the country 102 00:04:35,713 --> 00:04:37,229 except this one. I love beer! 103 00:04:37,306 --> 00:04:38,746 Yeah, you've screamed that twice now. 104 00:04:38,807 --> 00:04:41,717 I scream it all the time. It's kind of how I got my job. 105 00:04:41,719 --> 00:04:43,661 - Me too. - That's awesome. 106 00:04:43,738 --> 00:04:45,404 Tour time. I love beer! 107 00:04:45,481 --> 00:04:48,166 Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it. 108 00:04:48,242 --> 00:04:50,893 Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour. 109 00:04:50,912 --> 00:04:53,913 Look at us. We're bloated kindred spirits. 110 00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,231 We even look alike. 111 00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:57,324 We're in love with the same mistress, Peter. 112 00:04:57,402 --> 00:04:59,159 And you know everything about her... 113 00:04:59,161 --> 00:05:02,013 her moods, her little whims, her musk. 114 00:05:02,089 --> 00:05:04,015 Show me her world, Peter. 115 00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:06,893 Show me your... beer. 116 00:05:09,247 --> 00:05:11,856 Double keg stand. Are there any chicks watching? 117 00:05:11,858 --> 00:05:14,083 No. Even better, just guys. 118 00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:15,434 One thing I do know... 119 00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:18,529 beer can only be drunk in an upright body position. 120 00:05:18,531 --> 00:05:21,866 Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec, 121 00:05:21,943 --> 00:05:24,443 and... you're gonna feel pretty silly. 122 00:05:28,449 --> 00:05:32,376 Yes. We got to experience what it's like to be beer. 123 00:05:32,453 --> 00:05:34,437 And we drank our own pee in the can. 124 00:05:34,439 --> 00:05:36,439 - No, we didn't. - Right. No, yeah, right. 125 00:05:36,441 --> 00:05:39,792 Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice. 126 00:05:39,868 --> 00:05:42,220 That's all I want people to say. 127 00:05:44,615 --> 00:05:46,224 Last one in's a rotten egg! 128 00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:49,101 I will not be a rotten egg. 129 00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:54,565 Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest. 130 00:06:00,406 --> 00:06:04,450 I'm very drunk, Peter. There are a lot of yous. 131 00:06:07,896 --> 00:06:09,472 I see a lot of yous. 132 00:06:09,474 --> 00:06:12,658 - Synchronized swimming? - You know it. 133 00:07:09,642 --> 00:07:11,958 All people want to do is scream at me 134 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,537 in steakhouses about women's bodies. 135 00:07:14,539 --> 00:07:16,205 Yeah. My wife hates you, 136 00:07:16,207 --> 00:07:18,482 which kind of makes me secretly like you. 137 00:07:21,303 --> 00:07:23,637 Hey, Brett? Do you think that we'll still 138 00:07:23,714 --> 00:07:26,907 - be friends at college? - I don't know, man. 139 00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:37,168 Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night. 140 00:07:37,244 --> 00:07:39,912 Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh? 141 00:07:39,988 --> 00:07:43,156 "Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me? 142 00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:45,659 "Just kidding. I don't want my life anymore. 143 00:07:45,736 --> 00:07:48,995 "You take it. Brett. "PS, this is the first time 144 00:07:49,073 --> 00:07:50,997 "I've ever put clothes on anyone 145 00:07:51,075 --> 00:07:53,500 without their consent. Ha, ha, ha." 146 00:07:53,578 --> 00:07:55,478 Justice Kavanaugh? 147 00:07:58,507 --> 00:07:59,840 It's him. 148 00:07:59,917 --> 00:08:01,675 Did you guys see that chick in accounting? 149 00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:05,029 Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will. 150 00:08:05,106 --> 00:08:07,066 - It's really him. - All right, let's get him back 151 00:08:07,091 --> 00:08:09,425 to the Supreme Court of the United States of America, 152 00:08:09,427 --> 00:08:11,260 where he serves a lifetime appointment 153 00:08:11,262 --> 00:08:13,762 as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices. 154 00:08:13,764 --> 00:08:16,022 It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide 155 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,416 if women can have abortions. 156 00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:28,777 So, anyone watch anything interesting last night? 157 00:08:28,779 --> 00:08:31,204 Okay, I'm finally gonna say something. 158 00:08:31,298 --> 00:08:33,449 Or would it be weird, after being here 30 years, 159 00:08:33,451 --> 00:08:36,042 if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"? 160 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,970 You can do this, Clarence. Here goes. 161 00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:42,641 There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh. 162 00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:43,923 Sorry I'm late. The steps outside 163 00:08:43,978 --> 00:08:45,461 are perfect for a slinky. 164 00:08:45,463 --> 00:08:48,388 Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett. 165 00:08:48,466 --> 00:08:50,056 Dears, can I get a cup of coffee? 166 00:08:50,134 --> 00:08:52,910 Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett. 167 00:08:52,987 --> 00:08:54,078 Right, sorry. 168 00:08:54,155 --> 00:08:55,304 Hon, coffee? 169 00:08:55,306 --> 00:08:57,322 No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. 170 00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:59,399 Yes, and I will definitely remember your name 171 00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:02,068 and not butcher it relentlessly going forward. 172 00:09:02,146 --> 00:09:03,812 - Toots, coffee? - Stick it, Brett. 173 00:09:03,814 --> 00:09:06,999 I'm Justice Elena Kagan. Ha-cha-cha. 174 00:09:07,075 --> 00:09:10,669 Okay, ready for our morning introduction? 175 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,494 Gathered together from Harvard and Yale... 176 00:09:18,496 --> 00:09:20,438 except the last lady Trump appointed... 177 00:09:20,514 --> 00:09:24,358 are the most boring forces of good ever assembled. 178 00:09:31,451 --> 00:09:32,908 John Roberts. 179 00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:39,999 Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito. 180 00:09:47,374 --> 00:09:48,966 Elena Kagan. 181 00:09:51,195 --> 00:09:51,877 Ah. 182 00:09:51,954 --> 00:09:53,862 Get a visible car, bitch. 183 00:09:53,864 --> 00:09:57,624 Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess. 184 00:09:57,626 --> 00:10:00,811 And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson. 185 00:10:00,888 --> 00:10:02,480 We hate each other, though. 186 00:10:02,556 --> 00:10:04,631 With their space monkey, Kavanaugh. 187 00:10:04,633 --> 00:10:06,800 It's me, Peter. 188 00:10:06,877 --> 00:10:07,968 Ah. 189 00:10:08,045 --> 00:10:09,485 They're trying not to die 190 00:10:09,547 --> 00:10:11,897 until someone from their party is presiden. 191 00:10:11,974 --> 00:10:14,992 These are the Supreme Friends. 192 00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,237 All right, let's pick a case. 193 00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:21,332 We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding, 194 00:10:21,408 --> 00:10:24,243 a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary, 195 00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:27,229 a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday... 196 00:10:27,231 --> 00:10:29,656 Is it just all people mad about cakes? 197 00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:31,157 It's mostly cakes, yes. 198 00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:32,843 Although there is this case, 199 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,495 Hometown Buffet v. Peter Griffin. 200 00:10:35,573 --> 00:10:38,832 If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table, 201 00:10:38,909 --> 00:10:40,559 it is part of the buffet. 202 00:10:43,672 --> 00:10:45,189 What'll it be, fellas? 203 00:10:45,266 --> 00:10:48,100 - Three beers. - Sorry, can't. We're all out. 204 00:10:48,176 --> 00:10:49,918 What? How is that possible? 205 00:10:49,937 --> 00:10:52,112 "The Kav" drank it all. 206 00:10:53,866 --> 00:10:55,924 Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh. 207 00:10:55,926 --> 00:10:58,452 - I hate that guy. - Me too. 208 00:10:59,947 --> 00:11:02,706 'Sup, I'm the Kav. Mind if I sit down? 209 00:11:02,825 --> 00:11:05,617 - Kind of. - Come on, I know my reputation, 210 00:11:05,694 --> 00:11:07,127 but can't we have one beer? 211 00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:10,548 Fine. One beer. 212 00:11:12,718 --> 00:11:15,386 - You guys play golf? - Occasionally. 213 00:11:15,462 --> 00:11:16,923 You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go 214 00:11:16,947 --> 00:11:18,463 where you thought it would? 215 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:19,965 Sometimes. 216 00:11:20,042 --> 00:11:22,042 You ever putt and it just, like, misses? 217 00:11:22,061 --> 00:11:24,286 Yeah, I've missed a putt or two. 218 00:11:24,288 --> 00:11:26,063 You ever get stuck in a sand trap 219 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,065 and you can't stop crying 'cause deep down 220 00:11:28,142 --> 00:11:29,900 you know your dad hates you? 221 00:11:29,977 --> 00:11:32,294 Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right. 222 00:11:32,296 --> 00:11:34,220 Guys, we got to party together. 223 00:11:34,298 --> 00:11:36,556 This weekend? Squee's mom's beach house? 224 00:11:36,634 --> 00:11:38,224 - Sounds epic. - Party at the shore. 225 00:11:38,302 --> 00:11:40,727 What's the stair situation there? 226 00:11:40,805 --> 00:11:42,246 There's a flight of stairs to get in. 227 00:11:42,323 --> 00:11:45,398 Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place. 228 00:11:45,476 --> 00:11:47,067 - Still in. - 100% in. 229 00:11:47,144 --> 00:11:49,920 Well, we can figure that out later as a group. 230 00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:54,240 Therefore, in order to qualify 231 00:11:54,318 --> 00:11:58,654 for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI... 232 00:11:58,656 --> 00:12:01,974 Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting. 233 00:12:04,604 --> 00:12:07,830 - With regard to the claim of forum non conveniens... - Boo! 234 00:12:07,832 --> 00:12:09,273 We're not turning for that. 235 00:12:41,866 --> 00:12:43,715 That was a great idea, everybody. 236 00:12:43,792 --> 00:12:44,958 Let's take lunch. 237 00:12:44,977 --> 00:12:47,627 Hey, how about today we eat at the Mall? 238 00:12:47,705 --> 00:12:49,204 Okay, Clarence, 239 00:12:49,206 --> 00:12:50,942 there's never gonna be a better setup to make 240 00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:53,225 your "Supreme Food Court" joke. Here goes. 241 00:12:53,301 --> 00:12:54,818 Hey, if we're going to the Mall, 242 00:12:54,895 --> 00:12:57,746 how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court? 243 00:12:59,975 --> 00:13:02,234 It's like he heard my thought. 244 00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:04,978 That's right, Clarence. I can hear thoughts. 245 00:13:05,055 --> 00:13:07,239 But it only works on white-haired black guys. 246 00:13:07,315 --> 00:13:08,907 Do you want to know how Danny Glover 247 00:13:08,984 --> 00:13:11,251 really felt about Mel Gibson? 248 00:13:19,737 --> 00:13:21,777 - Lois, what's going on with... - My hair? My beard? 249 00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:24,740 Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington, 250 00:13:24,742 --> 00:13:26,183 I'm doing everything. 251 00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:29,244 Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye mysel. 252 00:13:29,246 --> 00:13:31,246 Well, that'll make him want to come back. 253 00:13:31,248 --> 00:13:33,190 Lois, this is the first time in our marriage 254 00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:34,858 I've ever done anything for me. 255 00:13:34,935 --> 00:13:37,436 What? I've let yu drink with your friends 256 00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:40,272 at a bar every night for the last 22 years. 257 00:13:40,348 --> 00:13:43,200 Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point. 258 00:13:43,277 --> 00:13:44,927 You know, Peter, if you took it seriously, 259 00:13:44,929 --> 00:13:47,854 being on the Supreme Court is actually a huge opportunity. 260 00:13:47,932 --> 00:13:49,264 Hmm. How so? 261 00:13:49,266 --> 00:13:50,874 The New York Times is reporting 262 00:13:50,951 --> 00:13:52,434 that tomorrow the court is hearing a case 263 00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:54,603 - to repeal gay marriage. - They are? 264 00:13:54,605 --> 00:13:56,788 You could potentially help save the families 265 00:13:56,865 --> 00:13:58,607 of millions of gay Americans. 266 00:13:58,609 --> 00:13:59,958 You know, Brian's right, Peter. 267 00:14:00,035 --> 00:14:01,626 I am tired of your shenanigans, 268 00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:04,629 but this... this is a chance to do some real good. 269 00:14:04,706 --> 00:14:07,799 Peter, would you stop playing with filters and listen to me? 270 00:14:07,876 --> 00:14:09,375 Okay, I've taken my filters off. 271 00:14:09,453 --> 00:14:12,137 - Peter... - What? I've just been drinking a lot of water. 272 00:14:12,214 --> 00:14:15,381 Do you, uh... do you have an OnlyFans? 273 00:14:15,459 --> 00:14:18,944 I just sent you a DM. My wish list is in my bio. 274 00:14:21,632 --> 00:14:24,224 All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four. 275 00:14:24,301 --> 00:14:26,726 Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not? 276 00:14:26,804 --> 00:14:29,137 Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage? 277 00:14:29,139 --> 00:14:31,731 - Yes. - And "no" means yes gay marriage? 278 00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:35,401 - Yes. - Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"? 279 00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:37,646 God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone 280 00:14:37,648 --> 00:14:39,239 with this "no means yes" stuff. 281 00:14:39,316 --> 00:14:41,650 Gay marriage... what is your decision? 282 00:14:41,652 --> 00:14:42,926 Well, Alito's right, 283 00:14:43,078 --> 00:14:45,337 the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage. 284 00:14:45,413 --> 00:14:48,156 Yes! Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that. 285 00:14:48,158 --> 00:14:50,768 But also, all people are equal under the law, 286 00:14:50,919 --> 00:14:53,328 which is why we must not only ban gay marriage, 287 00:14:53,330 --> 00:14:55,272 we have to ban straight marriage. 288 00:14:55,349 --> 00:14:58,258 Then let's do it! I hate my crazy wife! 289 00:14:59,761 --> 00:15:01,520 I did it. I spoke. 290 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,906 Clarence, you forgot your lunch. 291 00:15:05,009 --> 00:15:06,325 Thanks, baby. 292 00:15:08,788 --> 00:15:10,770 Ugh. It sucks that this is the only hat 293 00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:12,456 to overthrow democracy in. 294 00:15:18,297 --> 00:15:20,964 This is absurd. We can't ban all marriage. 295 00:15:21,116 --> 00:15:24,192 The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff. 296 00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:26,470 Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now. 297 00:15:26,547 --> 00:15:28,697 Could you do it or would you have to ask? 298 00:15:28,699 --> 00:15:29,865 I'd have to ask. 299 00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:31,457 Ask to have a beer? 300 00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:32,884 How is that freedom? 301 00:15:32,961 --> 00:15:34,144 You know what freedom is? 302 00:15:34,221 --> 00:15:36,296 Imagine you can't forget your anniversary. 303 00:15:36,373 --> 00:15:38,740 Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws. 304 00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:42,677 Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it. 305 00:15:42,679 --> 00:15:44,046 This sounds sexist. 306 00:15:44,048 --> 00:15:45,972 Imagine a bar of soap in the shower 307 00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:47,974 - with no pubes on it. - Touché. 308 00:15:47,976 --> 00:15:49,885 You know, this would stop everyone 309 00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:52,329 from asking, "How come she's not married?" 310 00:15:52,406 --> 00:15:54,647 I just need one more vote. Roberts? 311 00:15:54,725 --> 00:15:56,166 I don't know. 312 00:15:56,243 --> 00:15:58,651 No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits. 313 00:15:58,729 --> 00:16:00,003 We'd be done by 11:00 every day 314 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,064 - the rest of our lives. - In. 315 00:16:02,066 --> 00:16:04,583 We did it, guys. We changed the way everything works 316 00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,068 without asking anyone, 317 00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,236 just like America wants. 318 00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:16,261 You got to love small beach towns 319 00:16:16,338 --> 00:16:18,355 with no economic opportunities. 320 00:16:18,432 --> 00:16:21,266 They should have a wet undies contest for guys. 321 00:16:21,343 --> 00:16:23,694 - Shut up, Joe. - Men should not say "undies." 322 00:16:23,770 --> 00:16:25,437 And the winner of $18 323 00:16:25,513 --> 00:16:28,757 and a free base-level car wash is... 324 00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:30,701 Diana DiGuacamo! 325 00:16:30,777 --> 00:16:32,852 What? That's insane! 326 00:16:32,854 --> 00:16:35,263 Whoa, Kav. 327 00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:37,432 What the hell? Amber should have won. 328 00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:40,102 Why are you so mad? Diana had the nicest bazongas. 329 00:16:40,104 --> 00:16:42,028 Look at the banner, Glenn. 330 00:16:42,047 --> 00:16:44,697 It's not a nicest bazongas contest, 331 00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:46,717 it's a wet T-shirt contest. 332 00:16:46,793 --> 00:16:49,277 And Amber's shirt was the wettest. 333 00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:51,704 But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt 334 00:16:51,782 --> 00:16:53,949 is to reward the most comely bosom. 335 00:16:53,951 --> 00:16:55,951 Then why have T-shirts at all? 336 00:16:55,953 --> 00:16:57,469 Why not just hand the trophy 337 00:16:57,621 --> 00:17:00,046 to the woman with the biggest milk monsters? 338 00:17:00,124 --> 00:17:02,124 Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf 339 00:17:02,126 --> 00:17:03,549 absolutely everywhere. 340 00:17:03,627 --> 00:17:06,552 Wet T-shirt contests have rules. 341 00:17:06,630 --> 00:17:09,131 That's all that separates us from animals. 342 00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,074 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. 343 00:17:11,151 --> 00:17:13,893 I just need to make a brief, passionate speech. 344 00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,303 Okay, I'll come back. 345 00:17:15,305 --> 00:17:18,749 I like rules. And I like beer. 346 00:17:18,825 --> 00:17:20,825 And I used to think I had to choose 347 00:17:20,902 --> 00:17:23,236 between making arbitrary regulations 348 00:17:23,313 --> 00:17:25,756 that govern every aspect of everyone's life 349 00:17:25,832 --> 00:17:28,833 and getting blackout drunk 24/7, 350 00:17:28,910 --> 00:17:30,260 but I don't have to choose. 351 00:17:30,262 --> 00:17:34,097 I can do both. I can do both! 352 00:17:34,174 --> 00:17:36,174 Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself. 353 00:17:36,251 --> 00:17:38,268 Guys, I got to get back to D.C. 354 00:17:38,345 --> 00:17:40,328 But first, let's write down everything 355 00:17:40,330 --> 00:17:42,773 in our calendars that happened the last three days. 356 00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:45,000 - Why? - So 30 years from now 357 00:17:45,002 --> 00:17:46,668 we can prove we didn't rape anyone. 358 00:17:46,670 --> 00:17:48,003 Wait, how would an old, 359 00:17:48,005 --> 00:17:50,430 handwritten calendar prove anything? 360 00:17:50,507 --> 00:17:52,507 Trust me, it's enough. 361 00:17:52,509 --> 00:17:54,267 Adios, bros. 362 00:17:54,286 --> 00:17:56,620 That guy was a little creepy, even for me. 363 00:18:00,534 --> 00:18:03,018 Thanks for coming to D.C. to help me, Brian. 364 00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:04,869 Of course. I can't believe they chose you 365 00:18:04,946 --> 00:18:06,688 to write a Supreme Court opinion. 366 00:18:06,690 --> 00:18:08,023 They must really trust you. 367 00:18:08,041 --> 00:18:10,208 Actually, I was just the last judge to say "not it." 368 00:18:10,285 --> 00:18:12,952 Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day, 369 00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:14,972 - so he was immune. - What can I do to help? 370 00:18:15,048 --> 00:18:17,199 Can you send Lauren Boebert a "You up?" text? 371 00:18:17,201 --> 00:18:19,226 She's already blocked my number. 372 00:18:22,964 --> 00:18:25,190 Sir, I've written my opinion. 373 00:18:28,545 --> 00:18:30,153 - Is this a joke? - No. 374 00:18:30,230 --> 00:18:32,564 Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time, 375 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,307 he is incapable of joking, sir. 376 00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:36,493 Kavanaugh, I've had it with you. 377 00:18:36,570 --> 00:18:38,069 You're constantly late, drunk, 378 00:18:38,222 --> 00:18:40,664 and somehow don't even know the basics of the law. 379 00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,165 I've never done this before, 380 00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:45,410 nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired. 381 00:18:45,487 --> 00:18:47,896 That's not Brett Kavanaugh! 382 00:18:47,898 --> 00:18:50,065 I am. 383 00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,657 And I can prove it. 384 00:18:51,735 --> 00:18:53,068 No, that's okay. 385 00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:54,511 Now that you're both in front of me, 386 00:18:54,588 --> 00:18:56,404 it's glaringly obvious. 387 00:18:56,406 --> 00:18:58,286 We should really get seats that face each other. 388 00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:00,851 Well, now that that distraction's out of the way, 389 00:19:00,927 --> 00:19:03,377 let's get back to banning only gay marriage, 390 00:19:03,413 --> 00:19:05,355 like the Founding Fathers intended. 391 00:19:05,432 --> 00:19:07,006 Sir, you need to leave. 392 00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:08,358 I just need to say one thing. 393 00:19:08,435 --> 00:19:10,252 Sure, I'll work around your schedule. 394 00:19:10,254 --> 00:19:12,604 Okay, so I'm not a judge, 395 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,347 but let's talk about the Founding Fathers. 396 00:19:14,424 --> 00:19:18,093 If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth, 397 00:19:18,095 --> 00:19:20,704 and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now, 398 00:19:20,781 --> 00:19:23,189 would you say, "Let's do everything he says"? 399 00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,542 Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"? 400 00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:27,786 So, you really want to stick it to gay people? 401 00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,454 I mean, that's kind of 402 00:19:29,531 --> 00:19:32,215 why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah. 403 00:19:32,292 --> 00:19:34,367 Then why let gay people sleep in, 404 00:19:34,444 --> 00:19:37,462 have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro? 405 00:19:37,539 --> 00:19:40,949 Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys 406 00:19:40,951 --> 00:19:42,784 and have endless casual sex? 407 00:19:42,786 --> 00:19:44,803 You want to take away their freedom? 408 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,022 Let them get married. 409 00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:51,976 Huh. Maybe you're not an idiot. 410 00:19:52,053 --> 00:19:53,886 I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner. 411 00:19:53,964 --> 00:19:56,131 A toast to Peter Griffin, 412 00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:58,633 who brought some common sense to this court. 413 00:19:58,635 --> 00:20:00,819 I didn't. Beer did. 414 00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:01,970 Thanks, booze. 415 00:20:01,972 --> 00:20:03,914 Hey, this is non-alcoholic. 416 00:20:04,065 --> 00:20:05,398 I've learned my lesson. 417 00:20:05,475 --> 00:20:07,417 I've listened, grown and changed. 418 00:20:07,494 --> 00:20:09,044 I swear on the Bible. 419 00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:20,180 Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey. 420 00:20:26,012 --> 00:20:27,604 I'm proud of you, Peter. 421 00:20:27,681 --> 00:20:31,032 I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage. 422 00:20:31,034 --> 00:20:32,609 Oh, I just told them how happy we are, 423 00:20:32,611 --> 00:20:35,186 and how everyone deserves that for themselves. 424 00:20:35,263 --> 00:20:37,930 - Aw. - Well, like every political figure 425 00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:39,765 with a conflicted conscience in movies, 426 00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:42,786 I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial. 427 00:20:42,863 --> 00:20:45,438 I wish I knew what you were thinking. 428 00:20:45,515 --> 00:20:48,107 Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet? 429 00:20:48,185 --> 00:20:50,127 No, we just accept that anyone could get shot 430 00:20:50,203 --> 00:20:51,686 anywhere at any time. 431 00:20:51,688 --> 00:20:54,356 Well, as long as my beloved Republican party 432 00:20:54,358 --> 00:20:57,634 is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.