1 00:00:37,940 --> 00:00:39,609 Wow, someone seems happy today. 2 00:00:39,692 --> 00:00:41,903 Damn right. Today's the big day. 3 00:00:42,028 --> 00:00:43,571 You're getting off parole? 4 00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:46,657 Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee? 5 00:00:46,741 --> 00:00:49,785 Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing. 6 00:00:51,203 --> 00:00:53,456 Tonight is girls' night. 7 00:00:53,539 --> 00:00:55,625 Women's night. You're all in your 40s. 8 00:00:55,750 --> 00:00:58,252 We're going to an "I love the '90s" concert. 9 00:00:58,377 --> 00:01:01,839 I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say. 10 00:01:01,923 --> 00:01:04,926 Hey, chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there? 11 00:01:05,051 --> 00:01:08,304 Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make nonconsensual prank videos 12 00:01:08,387 --> 00:01:09,889 by dumping marbles at the park. 13 00:01:09,972 --> 00:01:12,600 It'll be hilarious, once we edit out the ambulances. 14 00:01:12,683 --> 00:01:14,393 Just make sure you're back by 5:00. 15 00:01:14,477 --> 00:01:17,188 You need to watch Stewie while I'm out with the girls. 16 00:01:17,271 --> 00:01:19,106 - Women. - I'll be back, don't worry. 17 00:01:19,190 --> 00:01:20,441 Don't blow this, fat man. 18 00:01:20,524 --> 00:01:24,153 You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek. 19 00:01:24,236 --> 00:01:27,031 Open wide, here comes the airplane. 20 00:01:30,576 --> 00:01:32,286 We're all gonna die! 21 00:01:32,370 --> 00:01:34,622 Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy. 22 00:01:34,705 --> 00:01:36,958 Hail Mary full of grain, Buzz Bee is with thee. 23 00:01:39,752 --> 00:01:41,128 Wake up, Cheerio Army. 24 00:01:41,212 --> 00:01:43,172 General Mills is lying to you. 25 00:01:43,255 --> 00:01:45,591 The cheek crash did not happen. 26 00:01:45,675 --> 00:01:50,680 There's no proof of purchase, plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons. 27 00:01:50,763 --> 00:01:53,015 You know what's crazy? There were no Jewi-O's 28 00:01:53,099 --> 00:01:54,225 in the mouth that day. 29 00:01:54,308 --> 00:01:56,727 I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin'. 30 00:02:00,648 --> 00:02:03,234 Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here 31 00:02:03,317 --> 00:02:05,236 to watch Stewie two hours ago. 32 00:02:05,319 --> 00:02:08,823 Yeah poor kid feels so let down, he started auditioning new dads. 33 00:02:08,906 --> 00:02:11,450 Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad. 34 00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:15,037 Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my "daddy". 35 00:02:15,121 --> 00:02:17,915 Stewie, Mom couldn't get 36 00:02:17,999 --> 00:02:20,001 the poo stains out of your Moana onesie. 37 00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:21,794 She says she's gonna wash it again. 38 00:02:21,877 --> 00:02:23,963 Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here. 39 00:02:25,214 --> 00:02:27,550 Oh, damn it I'm missing the moment of silence 40 00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:29,677 for Kurt Cobain and the other Manilli. 41 00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:33,180 - I can explain. - Don't bother. 42 00:02:33,264 --> 00:02:34,807 You should see the other guys. 43 00:02:34,890 --> 00:02:36,642 Yeah, it was a pretty weird night. 44 00:02:36,726 --> 00:02:38,394 I got wind! 45 00:02:42,857 --> 00:02:45,317 - Peter stuck in ice again? - Yeah. 46 00:02:46,485 --> 00:02:48,529 Uh-uh, I said no boobie bills. 47 00:02:48,612 --> 00:02:50,948 Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin. 48 00:02:51,032 --> 00:02:54,994 And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses. 49 00:02:55,077 --> 00:02:58,039 Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening. 50 00:02:58,122 --> 00:02:59,957 Did Sir Mix-A-Lot go on yet? 51 00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:02,376 Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits, 52 00:03:02,460 --> 00:03:06,130 so now he's doing an awful "Baby Got Back" remix about knees. 53 00:03:20,978 --> 00:03:23,689 Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar 54 00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:25,274 that everyone is familiar with. 55 00:03:25,357 --> 00:03:28,277 What's with the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here? 56 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,279 Looking like Josh Gad's stenographer. 57 00:03:30,362 --> 00:03:32,406 Oh, no, tonight's open mic night. 58 00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:34,492 These comics are always so hacky. 59 00:03:34,575 --> 00:03:38,746 Then I said, "I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons." 60 00:03:40,706 --> 00:03:42,291 Ah, you look like a good crowd. 61 00:03:42,374 --> 00:03:44,210 Any spice merchants here tonight? 62 00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:46,462 - I'm a lawyer. - Of the high seas? 63 00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:48,589 I handle zoning disputes. 64 00:03:48,672 --> 00:03:49,715 Then I got nothing. 65 00:03:49,799 --> 00:03:52,510 It's Peter again. 66 00:03:52,593 --> 00:03:54,178 He's been texting me all night. 67 00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:56,097 He's so helpless when I'm not around. 68 00:04:07,483 --> 00:04:10,361 Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight. 69 00:04:10,444 --> 00:04:13,823 Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this. 70 00:04:13,906 --> 00:04:16,534 Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen. 71 00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:19,787 Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows. 72 00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:21,413 Ooh! 73 00:04:21,497 --> 00:04:24,166 If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure 74 00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:27,419 - where your mouth is and go next. - No, no, I'm not a comedian. 75 00:04:27,503 --> 00:04:29,088 I-I could never. 76 00:04:29,171 --> 00:04:31,298 Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois. 77 00:04:31,382 --> 00:04:32,758 You think so? 78 00:04:32,842 --> 00:04:35,928 Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing 79 00:04:36,011 --> 00:04:37,721 and I don't want you next to me. 80 00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:40,182 I don't know, you really think I'd be good at… 81 00:04:42,726 --> 00:04:43,936 Just go! 82 00:04:47,064 --> 00:04:48,816 Hey… 83 00:04:48,899 --> 00:04:51,235 I don't really know what to talk about up here. 84 00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:54,905 Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter. 85 00:04:54,989 --> 00:04:57,783 I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today. 86 00:04:57,867 --> 00:05:00,244 Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink? 87 00:05:00,327 --> 00:05:02,872 That is so true. 88 00:05:02,955 --> 00:05:04,999 You don't have a man, how would you know? 89 00:05:05,082 --> 00:05:08,836 When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos. 90 00:05:08,919 --> 00:05:11,422 Most couples have an active sex life. 91 00:05:11,505 --> 00:05:13,799 Peter has an Activia sex life. 92 00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:16,010 Yeah, my husband and I, 93 00:05:16,093 --> 00:05:17,720 we enjoyed 20 happy years. 94 00:05:17,803 --> 00:05:20,347 Then we met. 95 00:05:20,431 --> 00:05:22,224 Ladies, show of hands. Huh? 96 00:05:22,308 --> 00:05:24,894 How many of you have ever faked an orgasm? 97 00:05:24,977 --> 00:05:28,522 Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration? 98 00:05:38,073 --> 00:05:39,742 Whew, I need a drink. 99 00:05:39,825 --> 00:05:42,036 Hey, I just want to say I think you're great. 100 00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:44,413 Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy 101 00:05:44,496 --> 00:05:47,082 than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken. 102 00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:48,584 I know, I heard your set. 103 00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:50,544 Those dumb husband jokes crushed. 104 00:05:50,628 --> 00:05:52,713 Oh, God, it was such a rush up there. 105 00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:55,174 Like when you're driving without your seat belt 106 00:05:55,257 --> 00:05:57,593 and the bell keeps dinging to put it on, 107 00:05:57,676 --> 00:06:00,346 but you just keep going because it's a short trip. 108 00:06:00,429 --> 00:06:03,098 Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city, 109 00:06:03,182 --> 00:06:06,435 and we're always looking for new talent. You interested? 110 00:06:07,895 --> 00:06:09,772 Well, yeah, of course. 111 00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:11,732 Great. Hopefully you can come up 112 00:06:11,815 --> 00:06:14,151 with more material about that husband of yours. 113 00:06:14,235 --> 00:06:17,154 I don't know, I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband 114 00:06:17,238 --> 00:06:18,781 like that on a regular basis. 115 00:06:18,864 --> 00:06:20,658 Oh, there you are. Quick update. 116 00:06:20,741 --> 00:06:22,910 I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle 117 00:06:22,993 --> 00:06:24,912 and they misspelled it "Drano." 118 00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,706 Everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready. 119 00:06:33,879 --> 00:06:35,965 Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go 120 00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:38,759 and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again. 121 00:06:38,842 --> 00:06:40,094 They really dug it last time. 122 00:06:40,177 --> 00:06:42,346 Peter's a weird guy, but I like him. 123 00:06:42,429 --> 00:06:44,265 Dude cares about rodent comfort. 124 00:06:44,348 --> 00:06:45,432 That's just a fact. 125 00:06:45,516 --> 00:06:47,434 Sorry, I have plans. 126 00:06:47,518 --> 00:06:50,062 Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons 127 00:06:50,145 --> 00:06:51,855 to make speed bumps for snakes. 128 00:06:51,939 --> 00:06:54,817 Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately? 129 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,318 Yeah, something's definitely up. 130 00:06:56,402 --> 00:06:58,904 Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk. 131 00:06:58,988 --> 00:07:01,240 She's been rushing through all her housework. 132 00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:04,076 Mommy, I had an oopsie. 133 00:07:08,122 --> 00:07:09,456 Oh. 134 00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:11,750 Hey! Get back here and do the front! 135 00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:14,837 This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this. 136 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,964 Look, we both know what's going on here. 137 00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:20,634 So if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it? 138 00:07:20,718 --> 00:07:22,011 Shoot your shot, playboy. 139 00:07:22,094 --> 00:07:24,513 What? No… I am not cheating on Peter. 140 00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:27,349 But, well, I have been hiding something. 141 00:07:27,433 --> 00:07:29,810 I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks. 142 00:07:29,893 --> 00:07:32,604 Ah, I even came up with a great stage name, 143 00:07:32,688 --> 00:07:35,941 "Lois the Crowd Killer," but it was too long for the marquee, 144 00:07:36,025 --> 00:07:38,027 so I shortened it to "Lois C.K." 145 00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:40,738 Are you still, like, uh, workshopping that? 146 00:07:40,821 --> 00:07:42,740 No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key. 147 00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:45,117 The routines, well, they're about my life, 148 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,870 and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears. 149 00:07:47,953 --> 00:07:50,122 Ah, commenting on the human condition. 150 00:07:50,205 --> 00:07:51,957 You know, George Carlin once said… 151 00:07:52,041 --> 00:07:53,792 Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian. 152 00:07:53,876 --> 00:07:55,294 Anyway, I'm doing stand-up, 153 00:07:55,419 --> 00:07:57,755 you're not a part of this, don't tell Peter. 154 00:08:40,839 --> 00:08:43,133 Can you believe these firemen risk their lives 155 00:08:43,217 --> 00:08:45,427 to save people like that? They are so brave. 156 00:08:45,511 --> 00:08:47,388 You want to talk about brave? 157 00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:49,139 Try getting paid to tell jokes. 158 00:08:49,223 --> 00:08:52,142 - Sure, I-I guess. - That's something, too. 159 00:08:52,226 --> 00:08:53,852 I am a sherpa, 160 00:08:53,936 --> 00:08:57,606 guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go. 161 00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:59,608 See, comics are philosophers. 162 00:08:59,691 --> 00:09:02,236 We hold up a mirror to society and say, "Look." 163 00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,905 I don't do jokes. I do truth. 164 00:09:07,616 --> 00:09:11,078 The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience, 165 00:09:11,161 --> 00:09:13,247 if I believed in religion, which I don't. 166 00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:16,291 They're all sheep, praying to the invisible man in the sky. 167 00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:18,919 As you can see, I did not pull that punch. 168 00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:21,338 Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff? 169 00:09:21,422 --> 00:09:23,173 - 'Fraid so, Bri. - Oh, God. 170 00:09:23,257 --> 00:09:24,550 Oh, I got a tag for that. 171 00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:26,176 After "God," you should say, 172 00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:29,471 "If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert." 173 00:09:29,555 --> 00:09:31,640 - I don't get it. - Yeah, it's pretty heady. 174 00:09:31,723 --> 00:09:33,517 Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits, 175 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,394 but I need to go listen to my set 176 00:09:35,477 --> 00:09:39,398 to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says. 177 00:09:39,481 --> 00:09:42,651 It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast, 178 00:09:42,734 --> 00:09:44,862 while your writing career has gone nowhere. 179 00:09:44,945 --> 00:09:48,240 I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up… 180 00:09:48,323 --> 00:09:49,700 on garbage day. 181 00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:51,577 Lois was cleaning out the garage. 182 00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:53,495 Face it, she's lapping you, bro. 183 00:09:53,579 --> 00:09:56,248 Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L". 184 00:09:56,331 --> 00:09:58,709 Boom! Mark it on the burn board. 185 00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:03,255 Get it together, Chrissy. 186 00:10:03,338 --> 00:10:06,133 You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child. 187 00:10:06,216 --> 00:10:07,676 Okay, here goes. 188 00:10:07,759 --> 00:10:10,679 You're a dog that does people things. 189 00:10:12,347 --> 00:10:14,266 Rachel, come on, you know me. 190 00:10:14,349 --> 00:10:16,477 I went to your sister's wedding. 191 00:10:19,813 --> 00:10:21,023 Stewie? 192 00:10:21,106 --> 00:10:23,942 I told you not to send your kid to private school. 193 00:10:27,029 --> 00:10:28,697 You're never gonna believe this… 194 00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:31,742 The tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw? 195 00:10:31,825 --> 00:10:33,452 You're right, I don't believe it. 196 00:10:33,535 --> 00:10:35,913 No. I'm getting a NETCCF special. 197 00:10:35,996 --> 00:10:38,290 - You mean "Netflix"? - No, NETCCF. 198 00:10:38,373 --> 00:10:41,126 The New England Theater Conference Comedy Festival. 199 00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:43,712 It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event 200 00:10:43,795 --> 00:10:45,547 in the greater Rhode Island area. 201 00:10:45,631 --> 00:10:48,717 They're gonna run my special on Channel 385. 202 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,552 And-and that's… good? 203 00:10:50,636 --> 00:10:54,848 It'll be on after the City Council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left 204 00:10:54,932 --> 00:10:57,392 until it's fully facing the wall, so you tell me. 205 00:10:57,476 --> 00:11:01,438 Oh! If it goes well, they might even sell the special to Fupi. 206 00:11:01,522 --> 00:11:04,650 - I… Is that an Asian dish? - It's a streamer. 207 00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:07,152 Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer. 208 00:11:07,236 --> 00:11:09,404 - Ah-choo. - Oh, I love their shows. 209 00:11:09,488 --> 00:11:10,822 Break out the Kleenex. 210 00:11:10,906 --> 00:11:11,907 Congrats, Lois. 211 00:11:11,990 --> 00:11:15,494 This special sounds like a really big deal. Do you feel ready? 212 00:11:15,577 --> 00:11:17,412 Uh, actually, no. 213 00:11:17,496 --> 00:11:19,831 It tapes next week, and they want a whole hour. 214 00:11:19,915 --> 00:11:21,875 I'm gonna need way more material. 215 00:11:21,959 --> 00:11:23,669 Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky 216 00:11:23,752 --> 00:11:26,213 and Peter will screw up more than usual this week. 217 00:11:26,296 --> 00:11:29,007 Hmm. Screw up more than usual… 218 00:11:32,469 --> 00:11:34,888 - Next round's on me, boys. - Geez, Peter, 219 00:11:34,972 --> 00:11:37,474 you're throwing around some serious coin tonight. 220 00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:39,643 Usually, you buy one drink for the table 221 00:11:39,726 --> 00:11:42,271 and put four straws in, so we'd drink it together 222 00:11:42,354 --> 00:11:43,772 like in an Archie comic. 223 00:11:43,855 --> 00:11:46,692 Lois gave me a bunch of cash to get as drunk as I want 224 00:11:46,775 --> 00:11:48,819 and just do whatever pops into my head. 225 00:11:48,902 --> 00:11:51,572 Wait, those belonged to a man? 226 00:11:51,655 --> 00:11:54,241 Well, now I feel like the boob. 227 00:11:58,537 --> 00:11:59,997 I did. 228 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,292 Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook. 229 00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:06,753 More bikini shots already? I'm still working through the last batch. 230 00:12:06,837 --> 00:12:09,214 - Emphasis on batch. - Giggity. 231 00:12:09,298 --> 00:12:11,633 He's so dumb he hit his head 232 00:12:11,717 --> 00:12:14,177 trying to dive into his ocean screensaver. 233 00:12:14,261 --> 00:12:17,681 I didn't know Lois was doing comedy, but that's hilarious. 234 00:12:17,764 --> 00:12:20,309 This guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope. 235 00:12:20,392 --> 00:12:24,521 He couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night. 236 00:12:24,605 --> 00:12:26,815 Huh, she just held up a picture of me. 237 00:12:26,898 --> 00:12:29,484 Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like. 238 00:12:29,568 --> 00:12:30,902 How do we break it to him? 239 00:12:30,986 --> 00:12:34,406 Well, he's not getting it verbally, so we're gonna have to do ASL. 240 00:12:34,489 --> 00:12:35,866 Hey, Peter… 241 00:12:50,589 --> 00:12:51,923 How dare you, Lois! 242 00:12:52,007 --> 00:12:54,009 You have made a complete fool out of me. 243 00:12:54,092 --> 00:12:56,178 And after I worked my fingers to the bone 244 00:12:56,261 --> 00:12:58,180 - renovating our bathroom. - About that, 245 00:12:58,263 --> 00:13:00,432 why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling? 246 00:13:02,392 --> 00:13:04,186 The blueprints were upside down. 247 00:13:04,269 --> 00:13:06,188 See? This is what I'm talking about. 248 00:13:06,271 --> 00:13:09,566 Your whole life is a joke. Excuse me for noticing. 249 00:13:09,650 --> 00:13:14,071 For God's sake, you were the first video on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails. 250 00:13:14,154 --> 00:13:16,657 You think Harry Potter was based on a true story. 251 00:13:16,740 --> 00:13:20,494 Don't twist my words. I said, "There are probably wizard schools." 252 00:13:20,577 --> 00:13:23,580 Look, Peter, for years I've had to put a good face on 253 00:13:23,664 --> 00:13:26,083 while you act like an ignorant, impulsive child. 254 00:13:26,166 --> 00:13:28,377 And it is exhausting! 255 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:31,254 I finally found a way to turn my pain into art, 256 00:13:31,338 --> 00:13:33,006 and nothing is gonna stop me 257 00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:36,093 because Lois C.K. is standing in the doorway of comedy, 258 00:13:36,176 --> 00:13:40,180 and you're gonna watch me until I erupt… with jokes. 259 00:13:40,263 --> 00:13:41,932 We'll see how funny you are 260 00:13:42,015 --> 00:13:44,935 when you don't have this idiot to make fun of anymore. 261 00:13:48,355 --> 00:13:49,773 Good morrow, family. 262 00:13:49,856 --> 00:13:54,236 Christopher. Stewart. Megan. Dogglas. Loisabeth. 263 00:13:55,737 --> 00:13:58,281 In a right triangle, the sine of a given angle 264 00:13:58,365 --> 00:14:02,035 is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle to the hypotenuse. 265 00:14:02,119 --> 00:14:05,122 And a hypotenuse is not a math hippo. 266 00:14:05,205 --> 00:14:06,748 So you lied to me? 267 00:14:06,832 --> 00:14:09,876 I-I just always wanted a family, 268 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,254 and I thought that this could be my way in. 269 00:14:12,337 --> 00:14:13,714 Is that even your visor? 270 00:14:13,797 --> 00:14:16,216 I stole it off a blackjack dealer. 271 00:14:16,299 --> 00:14:19,386 He didn't chase me because it was too sad. 272 00:14:21,054 --> 00:14:24,307 - And how are your studies? - Oh, I'm all automotive now. 273 00:14:24,391 --> 00:14:27,978 I spend my days under a Dodge Charger and evenings in the back seat. 274 00:14:28,061 --> 00:14:29,896 Always a pleasure chatting with you. 275 00:14:29,980 --> 00:14:32,816 - I saved the comics for you, Dad. - No, thank you. 276 00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:36,403 Today I'll be reading the funny business section. 277 00:14:36,486 --> 00:14:39,740 "Lasagna Futures Tumble in Worst Monday Ever." 278 00:14:41,491 --> 00:14:44,161 I warned him to diversify into other noodles. 279 00:14:44,244 --> 00:14:45,787 Could you pass the Fiber One? 280 00:14:45,871 --> 00:14:47,622 They should call it Fiber Two, 281 00:14:47,706 --> 00:14:50,208 because of what it makes you do, right, Dad? 282 00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:52,335 Christopher! To your room, this instant. 283 00:14:52,419 --> 00:14:54,713 Okay, what is going on with you today? 284 00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:57,924 What is going on is I will no longer be your fool. 285 00:14:58,008 --> 00:15:00,719 If you'll excuse me, a man from Craigslist is here 286 00:15:00,802 --> 00:15:02,721 to buy my box of shenanigans. 287 00:15:09,728 --> 00:15:13,064 Whatever this is, it won't last. Buffoonery is in your blood. 288 00:15:15,525 --> 00:15:17,319 Why, aorta… 289 00:15:23,742 --> 00:15:27,037 Seven brave astronauts lost their lives that day, Lois. 290 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,080 That's the opposite of silly. 291 00:15:30,749 --> 00:15:32,667 Okay, we caught the escaped giraffe, 292 00:15:32,751 --> 00:15:34,920 but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo? 293 00:15:37,589 --> 00:15:40,175 Oh, what do you say, Peter? 294 00:15:40,258 --> 00:15:44,221 Would you rather ride the giraffe, or take our sensible family car? 295 00:15:49,935 --> 00:15:52,854 Bring me to the park, I want to dunk. 296 00:15:52,938 --> 00:15:55,106 He'll never be able to keep it up. 297 00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:56,566 He's kept it up. 298 00:15:56,650 --> 00:16:00,237 My stand-up special is next week and I am desperate for material. 299 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,532 Peter's given me squat. He is drier than a Triscuit. 300 00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:07,494 Hey, how do I delete Grown Ups 3 off the DVR 301 00:16:07,577 --> 00:16:09,538 to make room for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl? 302 00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:12,165 I don't want to miss the episode on Okie migration. 303 00:16:12,249 --> 00:16:14,084 He's been like this all week. 304 00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:17,254 Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral. 305 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,054 Maybe you need to broaden out your topics. 306 00:16:26,137 --> 00:16:29,057 The audience just wants to hear about your life. 307 00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:30,225 Y-you're right, Bon. 308 00:16:30,308 --> 00:16:32,602 A good stand-up can make anything funny. 309 00:16:32,686 --> 00:16:34,062 I'm gonna start right now. 310 00:16:34,145 --> 00:16:36,773 This is really great, women supporting women. 311 00:16:39,025 --> 00:16:40,694 I couldn't agree more. 312 00:16:40,777 --> 00:16:43,113 Us ladies need to stick together. 313 00:16:46,491 --> 00:16:50,036 Absolutely. We can't let petty differences divide us. 314 00:16:57,752 --> 00:16:59,004 Five minutes, Missus G. 315 00:16:59,087 --> 00:17:00,839 I told you to stop peeking your head in 316 00:17:00,922 --> 00:17:02,132 and just fully enter. 317 00:17:02,215 --> 00:17:04,843 Sorry, Missus G. I'm self-conscious about my legs. 318 00:17:04,926 --> 00:17:07,846 - Hey, is dad coming tonight? - Oh, I don't think so. 319 00:17:07,929 --> 00:17:11,516 He's being a little bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch. 320 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,561 Time to go live on Instagram to service my fans. 321 00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:17,355 Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive. 322 00:17:17,439 --> 00:17:19,691 I'm about to tape my first special. 323 00:17:19,774 --> 00:17:23,069 Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out there for supporting your girl. 324 00:17:23,153 --> 00:17:24,696 We out here. 325 00:17:24,779 --> 00:17:26,197 Am I using that right, Meg? 326 00:17:26,281 --> 00:17:28,158 I don't know, I'm a dork, too. 327 00:17:28,241 --> 00:17:30,035 Okay, this is a sponsored post, 328 00:17:30,118 --> 00:17:32,162 so I'd like to give a shout-out thank you 329 00:17:32,245 --> 00:17:34,956 to Dr. Violet's Feminine De-Musting Powder. 330 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,208 When you're musty, it's a must. 331 00:17:39,210 --> 00:17:43,256 Now, give it up for the Husband Slayer: Lois C.K. 332 00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:47,135 How you feeling tonight, Quahog? 333 00:17:47,218 --> 00:17:49,846 Ha-ha! Let's get right into it. 334 00:17:49,930 --> 00:17:51,890 So, the other day, Peter sits me down… 335 00:17:51,973 --> 00:17:54,601 Ooh, here it comes, I bet she's about to say 336 00:17:54,684 --> 00:17:56,686 something derogatory about his genitals. 337 00:17:56,770 --> 00:17:58,688 She's also clever about his obesity. 338 00:17:58,772 --> 00:18:02,025 My father died this morning, but I bought the tickets before that. 339 00:18:02,108 --> 00:18:04,444 No, he wanted to review this year's tax code 340 00:18:04,527 --> 00:18:06,279 to look for additional deductions. 341 00:18:06,363 --> 00:18:08,531 Well, how about deducting all those receipts 342 00:18:08,615 --> 00:18:09,991 from my kitchen table? 343 00:18:10,075 --> 00:18:12,410 Ya too messy! 344 00:18:17,624 --> 00:18:20,460 These are theater chairs, they're not supposed to swivel. 345 00:18:20,543 --> 00:18:22,003 Huh, weird. 346 00:18:22,087 --> 00:18:25,048 - Did you break our chair? - I improved your chair. 347 00:18:25,131 --> 00:18:27,968 Actually, my whole street is full of weirdos. 348 00:18:28,051 --> 00:18:30,637 So my crippled neighbor, he's a real jerk. 349 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:34,015 He's so handicapped, he gets to park inside the bank. 350 00:18:34,099 --> 00:18:35,767 Ya too messy! 351 00:18:40,855 --> 00:18:42,899 Huh. Is this thing on? 352 00:18:42,983 --> 00:18:46,820 Oh, I'm on, honey. They can hear youse just fine. 353 00:18:46,903 --> 00:18:48,613 Okay, you're gonna love this one. 354 00:18:48,697 --> 00:18:50,490 So there's this predator next door 355 00:18:50,573 --> 00:18:53,451 that we still hang out with even though he hurts women. 356 00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:56,538 I-I'm still working on the punchline for that one. 357 00:18:56,621 --> 00:18:59,332 - Ginger bitch. - Married a loser 'cause she's a loser. 358 00:18:59,416 --> 00:19:01,543 My dad died during knee surgery. 359 00:19:01,626 --> 00:19:05,130 Please, stop. Look, I-I just want to make you laugh. 360 00:19:05,213 --> 00:19:06,840 Well, we don't like your jokes, 361 00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:09,384 and Will Smith said we're allowed to hit comics. 362 00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:17,058 Whoa, hey, hey, guys, I just wanted her to bomb, but not this. 363 00:19:17,142 --> 00:19:20,603 This is what bombing is now. Beatings are the new boos. 364 00:19:21,271 --> 00:19:23,648 Look, I-I know you've all had or will have 365 00:19:23,732 --> 00:19:26,234 two drinks at minimum, but please, calm down. 366 00:19:33,491 --> 00:19:36,077 - Hey, you gonna huck that? - I'm still working on it. 367 00:19:36,161 --> 00:19:37,287 Aw. 368 00:19:39,039 --> 00:19:42,083 - What's with the flimsy cans? - We drink hard seltzer now. 369 00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:45,920 Ugh, at least go get beer bottles to throw like a respectable rioter. 370 00:19:46,838 --> 00:19:48,757 Oh, my God, Peter. 371 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,800 All this time, I was belittling you, 372 00:19:50,884 --> 00:19:53,720 but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you: 373 00:19:53,803 --> 00:19:56,723 protect my spouse from public ridicule when… 374 00:19:56,806 --> 00:19:59,726 Crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode. 375 00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:02,187 You don't have to be smart for me or serious. 376 00:20:02,270 --> 00:20:04,564 I married you for who you are, a good husband. 377 00:20:04,647 --> 00:20:07,525 And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car. 378 00:20:07,609 --> 00:20:09,819 but overall, that's not really who you are. 379 00:20:13,948 --> 00:20:16,910 Hey, I'm-I'm sorry for ruining your special, Lois. 380 00:20:16,993 --> 00:20:19,037 Oh, that's okay, it all worked out. 381 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,498 They actually ended up giving it to Joe instead. 382 00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:29,089 Boy, I'm glad I'm not a cop in DC, I'd be writing tickets for gridlock. 383 00:20:29,506 --> 00:20:32,509 You know what DC stands for? "Dumb Congress." 384 00:20:33,426 --> 00:20:35,845 Hey, three congressmen walked into a bar. 385 00:20:35,929 --> 00:20:37,347 Nothing happened. 386 00:20:37,430 --> 00:20:39,933 You know, you don't have to clap after every joke. 387 00:20:40,016 --> 00:20:41,601 I'd prefer if you laughed. 388 00:20:41,684 --> 00:20:42,811 Stop that!