1 00:00:38,511 --> 00:00:41,263 Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest. 2 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:43,140 Yeah, they wanted to support the community 3 00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:44,934 and hopefully win back some of the market share 4 00:00:45,059 --> 00:00:47,770 - they lost to fentanyl. - Those come in rainbow now. 5 00:00:47,895 --> 00:00:50,439 Yeah, I reposted an article about that on Facebook 6 00:00:50,564 --> 00:00:53,776 and said "FYI," so I basically saved the children. 7 00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:56,153 This festival's kind of weird. 8 00:00:56,278 --> 00:00:58,447 How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest? 9 00:00:58,572 --> 00:01:00,783 So, guys, turns out everybody hates us 10 00:01:00,908 --> 00:01:02,660 for all our world wars, et cetera. 11 00:01:02,785 --> 00:01:04,286 We need to do something that shows 12 00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:07,039 we are fun and silly, and not human exterminators. 13 00:01:07,164 --> 00:01:08,708 What about beer, pretzels, 14 00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:10,960 und horns that go "oompa oompa"? 15 00:01:11,085 --> 00:01:12,586 That's good. Very good. 16 00:01:12,712 --> 00:01:16,298 Yes, that, and little square mustaches because… 17 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:17,633 No more mustaches! 18 00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:19,093 Meg, check it out. 19 00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:21,846 A make-your-own-sausage station. 20 00:01:21,971 --> 00:01:23,514 Are you supposed to be touching that? 21 00:01:23,639 --> 00:01:25,641 Ha, they look like little poops… 22 00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:27,184 Aah! 23 00:01:28,769 --> 00:01:30,813 You must make me whole again. 24 00:01:32,314 --> 00:01:35,651 Never mind, this is my destiny! 25 00:01:38,821 --> 00:01:40,322 Hey, look, a chiropractor. 26 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,866 I could actually use an adjustment. 27 00:01:41,991 --> 00:01:44,368 Oh, let's see how you turn this into a brag. 28 00:01:44,493 --> 00:01:46,829 I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition. 29 00:01:46,954 --> 00:01:48,539 Finish the sentence. 30 00:01:48,664 --> 00:01:50,750 - That I paid to be a judge in. - There you go. 31 00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:53,169 - Hello. - Cha-ching! 32 00:01:53,294 --> 00:01:55,796 I mean, hello. Would you guys like an adjustment? 33 00:01:55,921 --> 00:01:57,882 - I'll take one. - Not me. I think you're a quack. 34 00:01:58,007 --> 00:02:00,134 I also do colonic irrigation therapy. 35 00:02:00,259 --> 00:02:01,427 I'll take a pamphlet. 36 00:02:03,763 --> 00:02:05,139 This head hole smells like spit. 37 00:02:05,222 --> 00:02:08,934 Don't worry, I always give it one lazy wipe between patients. 38 00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:10,644 Now, I'm gonna ask you some questions 39 00:02:10,770 --> 00:02:12,772 I can steer into any direction I need. 40 00:02:12,897 --> 00:02:14,940 - Do you ever feel tired? - I do. 41 00:02:15,066 --> 00:02:17,193 And if you go a few hours between meals, 42 00:02:17,318 --> 00:02:19,070 do you ever feel like you need to eat again? 43 00:02:19,195 --> 00:02:20,404 Yeah, like, every day. 44 00:02:20,529 --> 00:02:22,448 That's a big problem nowadays. 45 00:02:22,573 --> 00:02:24,909 I have some very expensive supplements that'll help. 46 00:02:26,202 --> 00:02:28,579 Whoa. That feels great. 47 00:02:28,704 --> 00:02:30,706 Yeah, that good feeling will last 48 00:02:30,831 --> 00:02:32,416 right until you get into your car. 49 00:02:32,541 --> 00:02:35,169 - Here's your bill. - $700? 50 00:02:35,294 --> 00:02:38,339 That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis, 51 00:02:38,464 --> 00:02:40,758 adjustment, supplements and a fart surcharge. 52 00:02:40,883 --> 00:02:42,426 - I didn't fart. - You did. 53 00:02:42,551 --> 00:02:44,762 People always do. Or maybe I did. 54 00:02:44,887 --> 00:02:46,931 Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance. 55 00:02:47,056 --> 00:02:48,099 Man, I can't believe… 56 00:02:48,224 --> 00:02:50,226 - Oh, there it is. - Told you. 57 00:02:50,351 --> 00:02:52,061 Did you see how much that chiropractor charged? 58 00:02:52,186 --> 00:02:53,646 I could do the same thing he did. 59 00:02:53,771 --> 00:02:55,314 You could, and that's not a compliment. 60 00:02:55,439 --> 00:02:57,608 His degree was from a Margaritaville. 61 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,444 Should… should we become chiropractors? 62 00:03:00,569 --> 00:03:03,447 Already on it. "Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?" 63 00:03:03,572 --> 00:03:04,865 Do you want to be a doctor, 64 00:03:04,990 --> 00:03:06,492 but don't like to read books? 65 00:03:06,617 --> 00:03:08,077 - Yes. - Congratulations. 66 00:03:08,202 --> 00:03:09,954 You are now a chiropractor. 67 00:03:10,079 --> 00:03:12,414 Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now. 68 00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,666 Oh, that was easy. 69 00:03:13,791 --> 00:03:15,209 Yeah, thank God. 70 00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:16,961 I needed a new job, and it was either this 71 00:03:17,086 --> 00:03:18,587 or become a family photographer. 72 00:03:18,754 --> 00:03:20,840 Is your son just the cutest, 73 00:03:20,965 --> 00:03:24,009 and are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time? 74 00:03:24,135 --> 00:03:26,137 Well, at Son in Front of a Tree Photography, 75 00:03:26,262 --> 00:03:28,013 we capture these memories for you 76 00:03:28,139 --> 00:03:30,057 by photographing your son in front of a tree 77 00:03:30,182 --> 00:03:31,767 in a park that's close to my house. 78 00:03:31,892 --> 00:03:33,477 Put him in a shirt that he hates 79 00:03:33,602 --> 00:03:36,313 and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree. 80 00:03:36,438 --> 00:03:39,650 Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree. 81 00:03:39,775 --> 00:03:42,486 Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes, 82 00:03:42,611 --> 00:03:44,071 but wait until you see 83 00:03:44,196 --> 00:03:45,614 this photo of him resting on his hands 84 00:03:45,739 --> 00:03:46,949 in front of a tree. 85 00:03:47,074 --> 00:03:48,242 We'll even take one 86 00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:49,743 of the parents in front of the tree. 87 00:03:49,869 --> 00:03:51,996 Because at Son in Front of a Tree Photography, 88 00:03:52,121 --> 00:03:54,331 we capture memories that'll last a lifetime. 89 00:03:54,456 --> 00:03:56,083 And years later, 90 00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:57,793 when that same son is forced out of college 91 00:03:57,918 --> 00:03:59,712 for a team hazing scandal, 92 00:03:59,837 --> 00:04:02,339 you'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree 93 00:04:02,464 --> 00:04:05,092 and wonder if that monster was always inside him. 94 00:04:05,217 --> 00:04:06,510 Yeah, probably. 95 00:04:06,635 --> 00:04:08,095 He bit you for taking off his shoes. 96 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,471 Call today. 97 00:04:09,555 --> 00:04:10,556 May not ever receive photos. 98 00:04:14,018 --> 00:04:16,353 God, the prizes at these things are such junk. 99 00:04:16,478 --> 00:04:18,814 I want one. Peter, win me a toy. 100 00:04:18,898 --> 00:04:19,899 What? Why? 101 00:04:20,024 --> 00:04:22,568 'Cause I'm New-England-lady drunk. 102 00:04:22,693 --> 00:04:24,820 Either you win me a stupid stuffed something, 103 00:04:24,945 --> 00:04:27,198 or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who would've. 104 00:04:27,323 --> 00:04:28,741 Great, everybody, get ready to hear 105 00:04:28,866 --> 00:04:30,910 who made First Team All-Dirtbag. 106 00:04:31,035 --> 00:04:33,120 Tom Hambley would've had me double-fisting 107 00:04:33,245 --> 00:04:35,956 highly-flammable bootleg SpongeBobs by now. 108 00:04:36,081 --> 00:04:38,709 Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom? 109 00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:40,878 He said he mistimed how far away he was 110 00:04:41,003 --> 00:04:43,172 from our hallway bathroom. Just throw the ball. 111 00:04:43,297 --> 00:04:45,007 I would, but my elbow's acting up. 112 00:04:45,132 --> 00:04:46,759 Old injury from The Late Night Wars. 113 00:04:46,884 --> 00:04:48,719 I'll win you one of them things, Lois. 114 00:04:48,844 --> 00:04:50,804 Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw, 115 00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:53,974 Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves. 116 00:04:54,099 --> 00:04:55,392 You're allowed here? 117 00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:56,894 Yeah, there ain't no schools close. 118 00:04:57,019 --> 00:04:59,230 Then I guess it's your move, Peter. 119 00:04:59,355 --> 00:05:01,357 This is really testing me. 120 00:05:01,482 --> 00:05:04,443 I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do. 121 00:05:04,568 --> 00:05:07,238 Take your sneakers off, Peter. You can't wear them on the mats. 122 00:05:07,363 --> 00:05:09,073 But they light up, Sensei. 123 00:05:09,198 --> 00:05:12,660 Put them in the cubbies. Geez, every class with this clown. 124 00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:24,463 He throws like a girl! 125 00:05:24,588 --> 00:05:26,632 Come on, people don't say that anymore, dude. 126 00:05:26,757 --> 00:05:29,843 The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably. 127 00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,227 And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5, 128 00:05:38,352 --> 00:05:40,396 we'd like to apologize for the pornography 129 00:05:40,521 --> 00:05:42,189 that aired during our cooking segment. 130 00:05:42,314 --> 00:05:43,816 There are a lot of very funny people 131 00:05:43,941 --> 00:05:45,859 who are good at computers, and we can't stop them. 132 00:05:46,235 --> 00:05:48,112 All right, who's ready for The Last of Us? 133 00:05:48,237 --> 00:05:50,990 I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth. 134 00:05:51,115 --> 00:05:52,700 Chris, move, you're sitting in my spot. 135 00:05:52,825 --> 00:05:54,451 Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting 136 00:05:54,576 --> 00:05:56,912 wherever I want from now on, chief. 137 00:05:57,037 --> 00:05:58,664 What? Where am I supposed to sit? 138 00:05:58,789 --> 00:06:00,541 Kind of not my problem, chief. 139 00:06:00,666 --> 00:06:02,209 Did you just double "chief" me? 140 00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:03,711 - That's right, chief. - Triple? 141 00:06:03,836 --> 00:06:05,045 Is this 'cause of the throw? 142 00:06:05,212 --> 00:06:07,172 Well, technically, it didn't qualify as a throw. 143 00:06:07,298 --> 00:06:10,509 It fell somewhere between a roll and a… 144 00:06:10,634 --> 00:06:12,261 Come on, barely anybody saw that. 145 00:06:12,386 --> 00:06:13,971 I'm sure it'll all blow over. 146 00:06:14,096 --> 00:06:16,265 And now in "Ha-Ha, Look At This Guy" news, 147 00:06:16,390 --> 00:06:17,474 ha-ha, look at this guy. 148 00:06:20,561 --> 00:06:22,021 Aw, rats. 149 00:06:22,271 --> 00:06:24,064 If that isn't an indication of how poorly 150 00:06:24,189 --> 00:06:26,358 someone's penis works, I don't know what is. 151 00:06:26,483 --> 00:06:28,277 Is this my fault, Peter? 152 00:06:28,402 --> 00:06:30,571 Is it 'cause I made you watch Ted Lasso? 153 00:06:30,696 --> 00:06:31,947 You know, maybe sports shows 154 00:06:32,072 --> 00:06:33,824 should be about sports instead of feelings. 155 00:06:33,949 --> 00:06:36,535 - Look, it's not that big a deal. - It is, though. 156 00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,078 I always knew you were overweight, 157 00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:40,706 but I thought you were at least athletic fat. 158 00:06:40,831 --> 00:06:43,834 I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado. 159 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:45,669 Now, I don't know what you are. 160 00:06:45,794 --> 00:06:48,172 Okay, I see that I don't have the support 161 00:06:48,297 --> 00:06:50,591 of my family on this, but at least I have my friends. 162 00:06:50,716 --> 00:06:52,176 I'm gonna see if they want to meet at The Clam. 163 00:06:52,301 --> 00:06:55,137 They said they're busy. 164 00:06:55,262 --> 00:06:57,389 I see GIFs of people without genitals. 165 00:06:57,514 --> 00:06:58,724 That means busy. 166 00:06:58,849 --> 00:07:01,685 Does this mean you're a beta dad now? 167 00:07:01,810 --> 00:07:04,605 No, Chris. But I want you to know that I heard you. 168 00:07:04,730 --> 00:07:07,691 Your feelings are valid, and thank you… Oh, God, I am. 169 00:07:07,816 --> 00:07:09,109 Aw, now I'm gonna have to hang out 170 00:07:09,234 --> 00:07:10,861 at the beta dad headquarters, 171 00:07:10,986 --> 00:07:12,237 the farmers' market. 172 00:07:12,571 --> 00:07:13,822 This isn't spicy, is it? 173 00:07:13,947 --> 00:07:16,033 No, sir, it's a strawberry. 174 00:07:16,158 --> 00:07:18,202 Hmm, I better not. I can't do spicy. 175 00:07:21,997 --> 00:07:24,041 I can't believe you guys got this business 176 00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:25,793 started so quickly. 177 00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:28,295 Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking, 178 00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:29,880 and the rest just fell into place. 179 00:07:30,005 --> 00:07:31,840 Chris, do you know what the most important part 180 00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:33,675 of working in a busy doctor's office is? 181 00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,469 - The patients? - Nope. 182 00:07:35,594 --> 00:07:37,304 Taking care of the tropical fish 183 00:07:37,429 --> 00:07:39,014 that's impossible to take care of. 184 00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:41,350 Why is it swimming upside down? 185 00:07:41,475 --> 00:07:43,477 I don't know. Sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats, 186 00:07:43,602 --> 00:07:45,396 and sometimes it does that. All are bad. 187 00:07:45,521 --> 00:07:46,772 There's a number taped to the desk. 188 00:07:46,897 --> 00:07:49,650 That's Eric, our tropical fish guy. He's gonna be your best friend. 189 00:07:49,775 --> 00:07:51,235 Call him whenever it does anything. 190 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,945 Do everything Eric says. 191 00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,780 None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best. 192 00:07:54,905 --> 00:07:56,532 It flipped back over. 193 00:07:56,657 --> 00:07:58,242 Why are you telling me? Tell Eric. 194 00:08:01,578 --> 00:08:04,081 Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone 195 00:08:04,206 --> 00:08:05,541 as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you. 196 00:08:05,666 --> 00:08:06,792 Help. 197 00:08:06,917 --> 00:08:09,753 He only uses me to scratch his icky parts. 198 00:08:09,878 --> 00:08:11,422 Shut up and get to work in there. 199 00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,799 Uh-oh, look who's here. 200 00:08:13,924 --> 00:08:15,509 What the hell? You guys said you had plans, 201 00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:16,718 but you're here drinking? 202 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,303 And you're in my spot, Cleveland. 203 00:08:18,429 --> 00:08:20,013 Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting 204 00:08:20,139 --> 00:08:21,932 wherever I want from now on, chief. 205 00:08:22,057 --> 00:08:23,642 Sorry, we didn't want people thinking 206 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,727 we were noodle-armed by association. 207 00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:28,230 Yeah, my arms are literally all I have. 208 00:08:28,355 --> 00:08:30,190 How do you not know how to throw? 209 00:08:30,315 --> 00:08:31,608 I never learned. 210 00:08:31,733 --> 00:08:33,819 My dad was always working when I was a kid, 211 00:08:33,944 --> 00:08:35,946 and when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache. 212 00:08:36,822 --> 00:08:39,450 That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles, 213 00:08:39,575 --> 00:08:41,910 so no one drank water, and all adults had headaches. 214 00:08:42,035 --> 00:08:44,037 My only friends were day raccoons, 215 00:08:44,163 --> 00:08:46,039 who are the most social of all raccoons. 216 00:08:46,165 --> 00:08:48,000 They're the ones who taught me how to throw. 217 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:49,710 So, that's why I throw bad for a guy, 218 00:08:49,835 --> 00:08:51,295 but really good for a raccoon. 219 00:08:54,506 --> 00:08:55,674 - Is all that true? - I don't know. 220 00:08:55,799 --> 00:08:57,384 I've had several cases of rabies, 221 00:08:57,509 --> 00:08:58,844 so memories are hard for me. 222 00:08:58,969 --> 00:09:00,721 All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life 223 00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:02,890 avoiding scenarios where I got to throw. 224 00:09:03,015 --> 00:09:05,017 Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp? 225 00:09:05,142 --> 00:09:06,935 And I swear I've seen you having a catch 226 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:08,353 with Chris out on your front lawn. 227 00:09:08,479 --> 00:09:09,938 Yeah, that was my stunt double. 228 00:09:10,063 --> 00:09:12,357 He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic-Con. 229 00:09:12,483 --> 00:09:14,151 He wants to interview me as me, 230 00:09:14,276 --> 00:09:15,777 and I'm just like, dude, no. 231 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,988 Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin? 232 00:09:18,113 --> 00:09:19,823 That depends. Are you classlessly serving 233 00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:22,075 a legal document for Jason Sudeikis? 234 00:09:22,201 --> 00:09:24,661 No, I do promotions for a local minor league team, 235 00:09:24,786 --> 00:09:26,288 the Quahog Blowholes. 236 00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:27,706 Ah, yes, then I'm Peter. 237 00:09:27,831 --> 00:09:29,333 I wanted to invite you to throw out 238 00:09:29,458 --> 00:09:31,877 a ceremonial first pitch this weekend. 239 00:09:32,002 --> 00:09:33,712 What? You know he can't throw, right? 240 00:09:33,837 --> 00:09:35,464 Yes, that's why we want him. 241 00:09:35,589 --> 00:09:38,050 Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans. 242 00:09:38,175 --> 00:09:40,928 You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire? 243 00:09:41,053 --> 00:09:42,471 The one what ate up all them fans' faces? 244 00:09:42,596 --> 00:09:44,348 Yup. That was me. 245 00:09:44,473 --> 00:09:46,975 Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter. 246 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,185 I'll do it. 247 00:09:48,310 --> 00:09:50,437 What? You're gonna embarrass yourself again. 248 00:09:50,562 --> 00:09:52,314 This time on a bigger stage. 249 00:09:52,439 --> 00:09:54,358 So? Did Batgirl just give up 250 00:09:54,483 --> 00:09:56,026 when everyone said her movie stunk? 251 00:09:56,151 --> 00:09:58,570 - Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes. - Oh. 252 00:09:58,695 --> 00:10:00,030 Well, I'm not Batgirl. 253 00:10:00,155 --> 00:10:01,615 I am gonna throw out that first pitch, 254 00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:03,242 and it's gonna be a perfect strike. 255 00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,994 I love confident idiots. It's why I bought a Tesla. 256 00:10:06,119 --> 00:10:07,287 See you this weekend. 257 00:10:07,412 --> 00:10:08,747 What are you doing? 258 00:10:08,872 --> 00:10:11,291 You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days. 259 00:10:11,416 --> 00:10:12,793 Hey, anything is possible. 260 00:10:12,918 --> 00:10:14,878 Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now. 261 00:10:15,921 --> 00:10:18,173 You ever watch a guy with a bald head 262 00:10:18,298 --> 00:10:21,134 and super hairy arms cook zucchini? 263 00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:22,719 Oh, yeah! 264 00:10:22,844 --> 00:10:23,929 You like this apron? 265 00:10:24,012 --> 00:10:25,514 It's a women's medium, 266 00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:27,808 and it comes off real easy. 267 00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:30,310 Tucci! 268 00:10:33,522 --> 00:10:36,441 Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot? 269 00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:37,985 Sitting's the silent killer. 270 00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:39,861 No, I stand quite often. 271 00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,238 And that's your problem right there. 272 00:10:41,363 --> 00:10:42,656 Standing's the silent killer. 273 00:10:42,781 --> 00:10:44,408 I actually mix it up pretty good. 274 00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:46,326 Variety, the silent killer. 275 00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:49,079 I can't believe how well this is going, Brian. 276 00:10:49,204 --> 00:10:50,747 Please, call me Doctor B. 277 00:10:50,872 --> 00:10:52,541 "Doctor," then one initial? 278 00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:54,293 We must be doing very well. 279 00:10:54,418 --> 00:10:55,919 Permission to speak like a human fist bump? 280 00:10:56,044 --> 00:10:58,672 - Granted. - We are passing "Go." 281 00:10:58,797 --> 00:11:01,425 We are collecting $200. We are… 282 00:11:01,550 --> 00:11:02,634 crushing! 283 00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:04,595 You have a couple of energy drinks 284 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:05,971 today there, Doctor B? 285 00:11:06,096 --> 00:11:08,265 Had a few no-breakfast Monsters. Yep. 286 00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:11,393 Eyes a little shaky. Feeling a little, uh, scared. 287 00:11:11,518 --> 00:11:12,811 All right, yeah, you go take a walk. 288 00:11:12,936 --> 00:11:14,771 I'll take the next patient. Chris, who's next? 289 00:11:15,814 --> 00:11:17,274 Chris? 290 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,651 What the hell? 291 00:11:19,776 --> 00:11:21,361 Chris opened his own office. 292 00:11:21,486 --> 00:11:23,030 Hey, Doctor S, 293 00:11:23,155 --> 00:11:24,615 my ears are still kinda ringing 294 00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:25,949 from that adjustment. 295 00:11:26,074 --> 00:11:27,576 You said you drank a soda once, right? 296 00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,244 Sugar, the silent killer. 297 00:11:38,837 --> 00:11:40,756 I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys 298 00:11:40,881 --> 00:11:42,215 who throws like a girl. 299 00:11:43,592 --> 00:11:45,218 You wish you threw like a girl. 300 00:11:45,344 --> 00:11:46,345 Meg? 301 00:11:47,638 --> 00:11:49,598 You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad, 302 00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:51,016 and I'm gonna teach you. 303 00:11:51,141 --> 00:11:52,976 Ha-ha-ha, much laughter 304 00:11:53,101 --> 00:11:55,020 and exaggerated scenarios ahead. 305 00:11:55,145 --> 00:11:56,813 This joke was written by AI 306 00:11:56,897 --> 00:11:58,398 while the writers were on strike. 307 00:12:04,488 --> 00:12:05,989 Hey, listen. Thanks for teaching me how to throw, 308 00:12:06,114 --> 00:12:07,616 but why are you helping me? 309 00:12:07,741 --> 00:12:08,909 Because you're my dad. 310 00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:10,327 And also because your last display 311 00:12:10,452 --> 00:12:11,912 was really embarrassing. 312 00:12:12,037 --> 00:12:13,830 I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg. 313 00:12:13,955 --> 00:12:15,374 Are you serious? 314 00:12:15,499 --> 00:12:18,502 I won a state championship with my basketball team. 315 00:12:18,627 --> 00:12:20,796 I went to the Olympics in Korea. 316 00:12:20,921 --> 00:12:23,090 Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes. 317 00:12:23,215 --> 00:12:24,299 So, you don't know anything about me? 318 00:12:24,424 --> 00:12:25,467 Yeah, I gotta be honest, I've got 319 00:12:25,592 --> 00:12:27,010 a lot of passwords to remember, 320 00:12:27,135 --> 00:12:29,137 so I'm-I'm always cycling through those. 321 00:12:29,262 --> 00:12:31,264 Don't mind me, just grabbing my cigarettes 322 00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:33,058 from their elaborate hiding spot. 323 00:12:33,183 --> 00:12:34,726 Did you know Meg played sports? 324 00:12:34,851 --> 00:12:35,977 Oh, yeah? 325 00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:37,521 When? 326 00:12:37,646 --> 00:12:39,147 Ugh, like my whole life. 327 00:12:39,272 --> 00:12:41,108 There's trophies in my room. 328 00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:42,776 Cool. Good for you. 329 00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:44,027 That's a relief. 330 00:12:47,155 --> 00:12:49,116 I put the magnesium in the bag. 331 00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:50,951 Start with two before bed, 332 00:12:51,076 --> 00:12:53,245 and if your stomach tolerates it, go to three. 333 00:12:53,370 --> 00:12:55,747 Thanks, Doctor C. You know your fish 334 00:12:55,872 --> 00:12:57,207 is swimming upside down, right? 335 00:12:57,332 --> 00:12:59,418 Yeah, it's a water temperature thing, 336 00:12:59,543 --> 00:13:01,628 I think. I hope. 337 00:13:01,753 --> 00:13:03,130 What the hell, Chris? 338 00:13:03,213 --> 00:13:04,548 You stole our clients. 339 00:13:04,673 --> 00:13:06,508 So what? A lot of those people 340 00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,093 came to you with real problems 341 00:13:08,218 --> 00:13:10,053 and you just exploited them for money. 342 00:13:10,178 --> 00:13:12,097 Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model. 343 00:13:12,222 --> 00:13:14,182 Well, I figured I could actually help them, 344 00:13:14,307 --> 00:13:15,642 and take their money. 345 00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:17,644 What do you even know about being a chiropractor? 346 00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:19,312 Enough to look at your posture 347 00:13:19,438 --> 00:13:21,106 and know that you sit for a living. 348 00:13:21,231 --> 00:13:23,066 Oh, damn, he's good. 349 00:13:23,191 --> 00:13:25,277 Look, I know you guys are upset. 350 00:13:25,402 --> 00:13:28,822 Yes, we are competitors, but if you really think about it, 351 00:13:28,947 --> 00:13:31,074 you'll see that our stories are the same 352 00:13:31,199 --> 00:13:33,326 because we're both trying to… 353 00:13:33,452 --> 00:13:34,619 help people! 354 00:13:34,745 --> 00:13:36,371 There. 355 00:13:36,496 --> 00:13:37,873 Now your legs are even. 356 00:13:37,998 --> 00:13:39,291 Whoa. How'd you do that? 357 00:13:39,416 --> 00:13:40,959 By caring. 358 00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:42,586 That's the one thing you can't fake. 359 00:13:42,711 --> 00:13:44,880 Good luck, guys. 360 00:13:45,005 --> 00:13:48,425 Chris' Chiropractic, how may I health you? 361 00:13:48,508 --> 00:13:49,801 Oh, hi, Eric. 362 00:13:50,093 --> 00:13:52,471 Yeah, it's upside down again. 363 00:13:52,596 --> 00:13:54,181 Dude, I did all that. 364 00:13:57,309 --> 00:13:58,560 Okay, Dad. 365 00:13:58,685 --> 00:13:59,853 I thought one way to get you throwing 366 00:13:59,978 --> 00:14:01,354 would be to get tips from 367 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,815 one of the best pitchers of all time, Roger Clemens. 368 00:14:05,484 --> 00:14:06,651 Hi, Peter. 369 00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:09,571 Wow, I can't believe The Rocket is gonna help me. 370 00:14:09,696 --> 00:14:11,072 The first thing you're gonna wanna do 371 00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,784 - is grip the ball like this. - Okay, cool. 372 00:14:13,909 --> 00:14:16,036 Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass 373 00:14:16,161 --> 00:14:17,996 to inject yourself, allegedly. 374 00:14:18,121 --> 00:14:19,247 - What? - If I did this 375 00:14:19,372 --> 00:14:20,999 while I was playing, I would've shoved it 376 00:14:21,124 --> 00:14:23,043 right through my thick Texas jeans. 377 00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:25,670 But I did not do this while I was playing. 378 00:14:25,796 --> 00:14:27,422 - Can we go back to the grip… - Rocket! 379 00:14:27,547 --> 00:14:28,757 Then, when you're done, 380 00:14:28,882 --> 00:14:30,884 make sure to discard your needles safely. 381 00:14:31,009 --> 00:14:33,345 If I had ever done this, which I did not, 382 00:14:33,470 --> 00:14:35,847 I would've discarded them in the top drawer 383 00:14:35,972 --> 00:14:38,391 of my wife's dresser, in between her underwear 384 00:14:38,517 --> 00:14:41,269 and necklaces, or her gym bag, allegedly. 385 00:14:41,394 --> 00:14:44,606 Any place that isn't yours and is hers works. 386 00:14:44,731 --> 00:14:46,608 Your forehead vein is pulsing. 387 00:14:46,733 --> 00:14:48,235 That's what veins do, you nimrod. 388 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,111 Now, we wait. 389 00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,239 Then, once you bite through your own tooth, 390 00:14:52,364 --> 00:14:54,407 you know you're ready to pitch. 391 00:14:58,036 --> 00:14:59,162 Let's bean some Orioles! 392 00:15:03,625 --> 00:15:05,126 So, I was talking to Mom, 393 00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:07,379 and she told me that part of your problem 394 00:15:07,504 --> 00:15:09,631 might be performance anxiety. 395 00:15:09,756 --> 00:15:11,675 Yeah, what context was this brought up in? 396 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,134 The one you're thinking. 397 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:14,511 She said sometimes watching someone else 398 00:15:14,636 --> 00:15:16,221 do it first helps. 399 00:15:16,346 --> 00:15:18,557 So, I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom 400 00:15:18,682 --> 00:15:20,934 while you watch from this stool. 401 00:15:22,644 --> 00:15:24,479 Ow. 402 00:15:24,604 --> 00:15:25,939 Want me to slow it down? 403 00:15:26,064 --> 00:15:27,858 Oh, don't you dare. 404 00:15:27,983 --> 00:15:29,985 I can take harder. 405 00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:31,903 - Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Damn, you know how to catch it, girl. 406 00:15:32,028 --> 00:15:34,406 - Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going. - Yeah, catch it! Catch it! 407 00:15:34,531 --> 00:15:36,324 - Oh, you are gonna split me in half! - Catch it with your leg out! 408 00:15:36,449 --> 00:15:37,701 You wanna hop in, Pete? 409 00:15:37,826 --> 00:15:39,119 No, he goes last 410 00:15:39,244 --> 00:15:41,162 when my mitt's the loosest. 411 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,164 You okay, Dad? 412 00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:46,126 No. I never figured my life would end up like this 413 00:15:46,251 --> 00:15:48,628 when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree. 414 00:15:49,004 --> 00:15:50,839 Son in Front of a Tree Photography. 415 00:15:50,922 --> 00:15:52,299 No one would ever guess 416 00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:54,676 your boy would grow up to be a world-class cuck. 417 00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:57,888 Why are we sitting on the field? 418 00:15:58,013 --> 00:16:00,640 Because I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind. 419 00:16:00,765 --> 00:16:02,726 I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games 420 00:16:02,851 --> 00:16:04,603 while on LSD. 421 00:16:04,728 --> 00:16:06,438 So let's do LSD. 422 00:16:06,563 --> 00:16:08,106 Yeah, okay. 423 00:16:11,651 --> 00:16:12,861 We had empty stomachs, 424 00:16:12,986 --> 00:16:14,362 so the drugs kicked in pretty quick. 425 00:16:14,487 --> 00:16:16,531 I never learned to throw that day, 426 00:16:16,656 --> 00:16:18,658 but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves 427 00:16:18,783 --> 00:16:20,035 in an Exxon station. 428 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,037 I saw my whole life's timeline 429 00:16:22,162 --> 00:16:23,705 that afternoon, and it was beautiful. 430 00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,458 Now, it's my 92nd birthday and I'm on a sailboat 431 00:16:26,541 --> 00:16:29,669 about to drink a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail. 432 00:16:29,794 --> 00:16:32,297 If you compare it to the name- brand euthanasia cocktails, 433 00:16:32,422 --> 00:16:34,341 it's the same ingredients for half the cost. 434 00:16:34,466 --> 00:16:37,719 In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats. 435 00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:42,015 So, that's why we guarantee 436 00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:44,643 that our cracks are 30% louder 437 00:16:44,768 --> 00:16:45,852 than that whack-job next door. 438 00:16:45,977 --> 00:16:47,145 How do you measure that? 439 00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:48,730 With doctor things. Let's start. 440 00:16:52,150 --> 00:16:54,653 Wow, that was your C4 vertebra. 441 00:16:55,779 --> 00:16:57,447 Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P. 442 00:16:57,572 --> 00:16:58,907 Take your time getting up. 443 00:16:59,032 --> 00:17:00,784 If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine. 444 00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:03,703 Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated. 445 00:17:06,289 --> 00:17:08,124 No, we don't validate parking, 446 00:17:08,249 --> 00:17:10,669 but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will. 447 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,297 - Doctor B. Doctor S. - Doctor C. 448 00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:17,050 Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window. 449 00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,969 I guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now. 450 00:17:19,094 --> 00:17:21,262 Nope, just good air quality. 451 00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:24,391 I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium, 452 00:17:24,516 --> 00:17:26,393 so your music has commercials. 453 00:17:26,518 --> 00:17:28,269 That sounds relaxing. 454 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,772 Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend. 455 00:17:30,897 --> 00:17:32,148 Except for the lady who canceled 456 00:17:32,273 --> 00:17:33,775 because Brian followed her on Instagram 457 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:35,360 right after her appointment. 458 00:17:35,485 --> 00:17:37,153 Client outreach fail. 459 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,825 Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services. 460 00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:43,535 We've been asked to investigate your businesses 461 00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:45,787 for medical and insurance fraud. 462 00:17:45,912 --> 00:17:46,997 We can go in and grab your files, 463 00:17:47,122 --> 00:17:48,206 or you can grab them for us. 464 00:17:48,331 --> 00:17:50,083 Quick "quesh." Do you guys have agents 465 00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:51,418 on the back side of the building? 466 00:17:51,543 --> 00:17:53,503 - We do. - Ah, a perimeter. Good. 467 00:17:53,628 --> 00:17:55,046 How'd you catch us? 468 00:17:55,171 --> 00:17:56,923 The same thing that gets every chiropractor. 469 00:17:57,048 --> 00:17:58,591 The inflated, phony charges, 470 00:17:58,717 --> 00:18:00,760 and the sports cars with vanity license plates. 471 00:18:03,763 --> 00:18:05,890 Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers. 472 00:18:06,016 --> 00:18:08,059 We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish. 473 00:18:08,184 --> 00:18:10,311 Oh, those are long dead. 474 00:18:14,691 --> 00:18:17,360 I know you're nervous, Dad, but you can do this. 475 00:18:17,485 --> 00:18:19,070 No, it's not that. 476 00:18:19,195 --> 00:18:21,364 Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards? 477 00:18:21,489 --> 00:18:23,825 You need to focus, Dad. Look at me. 478 00:18:23,950 --> 00:18:27,037 When you step out there, it's just you, the ball, 479 00:18:27,162 --> 00:18:30,081 and 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail. 480 00:18:30,206 --> 00:18:32,917 And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter, 481 00:18:33,043 --> 00:18:34,586 it's that when someone's counting on you, 482 00:18:34,711 --> 00:18:37,005 you always let them down. 483 00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:39,424 So, are you gonna give them what they want? 484 00:18:39,549 --> 00:18:42,385 Or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them? 485 00:18:42,635 --> 00:18:45,055 I only know one way. 486 00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:47,932 And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch, 487 00:18:48,058 --> 00:18:49,851 please welcome to the field, 488 00:18:49,976 --> 00:18:52,896 Peter "Never Heard of Taylor Swift" Griffin. 489 00:18:53,021 --> 00:18:54,064 Who? 490 00:18:55,857 --> 00:18:57,901 Good luck, see you in the showers. 491 00:18:58,026 --> 00:19:00,361 Individual stalls with smoked-glass doors? 492 00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:03,782 Nope. Big, echoey, 1960s johnson-danglers. 493 00:19:48,284 --> 00:19:51,204 Strike! Damn it. 494 00:19:51,329 --> 00:19:53,081 Whoo! He did it! 495 00:19:53,164 --> 00:19:54,165 Ow! 496 00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:59,003 I can't believe it. I threw a passable strike. 497 00:19:59,129 --> 00:20:01,673 You're the only one who believed in me, Meg. 498 00:20:04,717 --> 00:20:06,094 Are you okay? 499 00:20:06,219 --> 00:20:07,887 Your arm is backwards and feels very hot. 500 00:20:08,012 --> 00:20:09,139 Good job, Peter. 501 00:20:09,264 --> 00:20:10,598 I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore. 502 00:20:10,723 --> 00:20:11,891 No. 503 00:20:12,016 --> 00:20:14,102 That's exactly what I throw like. 504 00:20:14,227 --> 00:20:16,104 Time for a victory lap. 505 00:20:19,774 --> 00:20:21,067 Is that how he really runs? 506 00:20:21,192 --> 00:20:23,695 I'll, uh, we'll… we'll work on that. 507 00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:28,449 A lot of people remembered my pitch that day. 508 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:30,493 I'll remember it as the last day 509 00:20:30,618 --> 00:20:32,537 it was called "Quahog Stadium." 510 00:20:32,662 --> 00:20:35,832 The next day, they changed the name to "Porn Hub Field." 511 00:20:35,957 --> 00:20:37,667 Called the team the "Jacks." 512 00:20:37,792 --> 00:20:39,627 People say America's changed, 513 00:20:39,752 --> 00:20:41,421 but I still think it's pretty great. 514 00:20:53,308 --> 00:20:55,393 Where do you think you're going, Griffin? 515 00:20:55,518 --> 00:20:57,562 No one leaves without hitting the showers first. 516 00:20:57,687 --> 00:20:58,730 Can I wear my gym shorts? 517 00:20:58,855 --> 00:21:01,024 No. We gotta see it. 518 00:21:01,149 --> 00:21:02,442 That's baseball.