1 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,851 Let's see, Hemingway, Tolstoy, Dickens. 2 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,445 There's my iPad. 3 00:00:38,522 --> 00:00:40,855 Thank God. Some nerd must've been using it. 4 00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,357 Hi, everybody. 5 00:00:42,434 --> 00:00:44,601 You know how when you go on Hulu to watch Family Guy, 6 00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:46,770 you got to scroll past a bunch of little boxes? 7 00:00:46,772 --> 00:00:49,956 Well, it turns out, those are other TV shows. 8 00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,533 TV shows that I'd never heard of 9 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:54,127 until they step up onstage to accept their Emmy, 10 00:00:54,204 --> 00:00:55,629 for which we were not nominated. 11 00:00:55,705 --> 00:00:57,631 Well, tonight, we're gonna click on three of them. 12 00:00:57,707 --> 00:01:01,952 This first one has Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez. 13 00:01:01,954 --> 00:01:04,955 So, if you were born in 1950 or 2005, 14 00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,881 you're gonna see your favorite actor. 15 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,551 Now, please enjoy Only Murders in the Building. 16 00:01:18,562 --> 00:01:21,747 Drink it. It's just pop. 17 00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,582 There's a pill on top. 18 00:01:25,235 --> 00:01:27,169 Wait, it's gone now. 19 00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:35,427 No, no, no, no. This isn't a dark Netflix show, all right? 20 00:01:35,504 --> 00:01:37,763 Our murders are solved by the Father of the Bride. 21 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,006 Well, what am I supposed to do? 22 00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,600 I don't know, maybe learn to be a better host. 23 00:01:41,677 --> 00:01:44,353 All four of your guests are sound asleep. 24 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:48,756 - Hello, Charles. - Hello, Oliver. 25 00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:51,259 This is the type of banter the show's known for. 26 00:01:53,021 --> 00:01:54,504 - Who's that? - I don't know, but she's got 27 00:01:54,506 --> 00:01:57,616 430 million followers on Instagram. 28 00:01:57,693 --> 00:01:59,676 What's Instagram? 29 00:01:59,678 --> 00:02:02,028 What's Insta... How on earth are we on a streamer? 30 00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:05,699 Brr. Let me just shake off 31 00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:06,941 this obviously fake, 32 00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,852 "only on the shoulders" New York snow. 33 00:02:08,871 --> 00:02:11,279 You guys all coming from the Statue of Liberty, too? 34 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,452 Man, what a great day to be and stay alive. 35 00:02:17,529 --> 00:02:20,139 Wow, really? Back-to-back elevator scenes? 36 00:02:20,215 --> 00:02:22,883 Yeah, this show is, like, 40% elevator. 37 00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:24,384 Well, good night. 38 00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:29,130 My goodness, what happened here? 39 00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:32,209 Sorry, folks, there was an only murder in this building. 40 00:02:32,211 --> 00:02:34,969 Ooh, a murder. I've got goosebumps. 41 00:02:35,047 --> 00:02:36,897 - Me, too. - Yeah, those are shingles. 42 00:02:36,973 --> 00:02:39,566 You're 70. I told you to get the shot, you dope. 43 00:02:40,644 --> 00:02:42,569 Well, looks like they don't want people meddling in there. 44 00:02:42,571 --> 00:02:45,055 What do you think, should we banjo our way in? 45 00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:48,000 No, no, no, no, that's for your time, not our time. 46 00:02:50,229 --> 00:02:51,578 He had one inside. 47 00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:54,298 It looks like someone tried to eat him. 48 00:02:55,584 --> 00:02:57,417 Do you think it was someone in the building? 49 00:02:57,494 --> 00:02:58,902 I think I know who did it. 50 00:02:58,904 --> 00:03:01,738 It must've been my creepy next-door neighbor, Jeff. 51 00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,999 Dahmer? Jeffy D.? Really? But he's so cool. 52 00:03:05,077 --> 00:03:06,185 You don't understand, 53 00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:08,520 I can hear screams coming from his apartment. 54 00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:10,838 Look, Glenda, we appreciate your concern, 55 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:12,507 but Jeff is just a harmless weirdo. 56 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,359 So what if he watches a lot of horror movies 57 00:03:14,436 --> 00:03:16,086 and cooks a lot of pork chops? 58 00:03:16,088 --> 00:03:18,346 We all picked up weird hobbies over the pandemic. 59 00:03:18,424 --> 00:03:21,091 I'm telling you, there's something bad 60 00:03:21,093 --> 00:03:22,926 going on in apartment 2B. 61 00:03:22,928 --> 00:03:24,444 Look, thanks for stopping by, 62 00:03:24,521 --> 00:03:26,020 but why don't you leave this investigation 63 00:03:26,098 --> 00:03:27,447 to the non-professionals? 64 00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:30,209 Hey, didn't you get reprimanded by the co-op board 65 00:03:30,285 --> 00:03:32,544 for being inappropriate with the doorman? 66 00:03:32,621 --> 00:03:34,788 The third-party arbitrator said it's not illegal 67 00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:37,774 to tell someone when you're going to the gym. Good day. 68 00:03:37,776 --> 00:03:40,868 Should we exploit this tragedy with a podcast? 69 00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:42,295 Somebody say "podcast"? 70 00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:44,130 If you guys are doing a murder pod, I want in. 71 00:03:44,132 --> 00:03:45,373 Whoa, whoa, whoa, what makes you think 72 00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:47,634 you're qualified to make a murder podcast? 73 00:03:47,711 --> 00:03:50,637 I'm a millennial woman with nothing else going on. 74 00:03:50,714 --> 00:03:51,972 Crap, she's got us there. 75 00:03:52,048 --> 00:03:53,457 Bland, 30-year-old women 76 00:03:53,459 --> 00:03:56,050 are the Navy SEALs of murder podcasting. 77 00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:57,961 What do you think? Do we include her? 78 00:03:57,963 --> 00:03:59,296 Well, we do need someone 79 00:03:59,298 --> 00:04:01,907 - who can turn the computer on. - You're in. 80 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,804 All right, our neighbor was murdered in cold blood, 81 00:04:07,806 --> 00:04:08,989 and he deserves justice. 82 00:04:09,065 --> 00:04:10,565 There's no time to waste. 83 00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:13,085 We must decide what our podcast voices are going to be. 84 00:04:13,161 --> 00:04:14,753 I was thinking of... 85 00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:16,088 taking... 86 00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:18,906 unnatural pauses where... 87 00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:20,759 normal people don't... take them. 88 00:04:20,836 --> 00:04:24,078 Yeah, I thought I could speak way too close to the microphone 89 00:04:24,156 --> 00:04:26,098 with a very wet mouth. 90 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,584 I can be the female on the podcast 91 00:04:29,661 --> 00:04:31,828 who laughs at everything the guys say. 92 00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:33,163 Do they always have one of those? 93 00:04:33,165 --> 00:04:36,333 That's hilarious. 94 00:04:36,351 --> 00:04:38,694 We're good to go. 95 00:04:41,523 --> 00:04:43,615 - Where do we start? - Well, wasn't Glenda 96 00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:44,950 trying to tell us something about Jeff? 97 00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:46,451 Maybe we should follow up on that. 98 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,454 Jeffrey Dahmer? Of course. He always has great ideas. 99 00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:51,272 That's right. He sent that great email 100 00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:53,274 about how to get blood stains out of your power tools. 101 00:04:53,352 --> 00:04:54,626 Let's see what he thinks. 102 00:04:56,705 --> 00:04:58,872 Hi. Sorry. 103 00:04:58,948 --> 00:05:00,966 I was... making pork chops. 104 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:02,542 Hey, Jeff. So sorry to bug you, 105 00:05:02,694 --> 00:05:05,529 but you haven't heard anything about Tim's murder, have you? 106 00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:08,381 What...? Tim's dead? 107 00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:10,976 But he was so delicious. I mean, young. 108 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,628 I mean, I-I haven't heard anything. 109 00:05:13,705 --> 00:05:16,815 Aw, nuts. Well, we're worried the killer might strike again, 110 00:05:16,892 --> 00:05:18,817 so here's a list of vulnerable people 111 00:05:18,894 --> 00:05:20,210 in the building who live alone. 112 00:05:20,212 --> 00:05:21,153 Would you mind keeping an eye on them? 113 00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:22,562 A lot of them don't have families. 114 00:05:22,714 --> 00:05:25,382 If something happened to them, they would not be missed. 115 00:05:25,384 --> 00:05:26,658 Yeah, sure. 116 00:05:26,735 --> 00:05:30,403 I will definitely do something like that. 117 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,391 Say, anybody have a spare bone saw charger I could borrow? 118 00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:36,984 Man, those things are so easy to lose. 119 00:05:37,062 --> 00:05:38,912 If I had a nickel, you know? 120 00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:41,656 I do. I know about nickels. 121 00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:43,008 I see your naked roommate 122 00:05:43,085 --> 00:05:44,325 is trying to climb out the window. 123 00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:45,677 Looks like you've got your hands full. 124 00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:48,162 If you hear anything, give us a ring-a-ding-ding? 125 00:05:49,575 --> 00:05:53,185 Are you out of your minds? Jeffrey is obviously the killer. 126 00:05:53,261 --> 00:05:54,519 Didn't you see the blood on his shirt? 127 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:57,189 And look at the garbage he left in the hallway. 128 00:05:58,917 --> 00:06:01,918 So he's a little messy. That's no reason to point fingers. 129 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,436 I don't believe this. 130 00:06:03,513 --> 00:06:06,514 All the clues are right in front of you. Can't you see? 131 00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:09,368 You know what I see? I see a hostile neighbor 132 00:06:09,444 --> 00:06:12,204 who's emotionally unstable and prone to outbursts. 133 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,857 Why, that fits the profile of a murderer. 134 00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:23,123 Look how many people are out here in bathrobes. 135 00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:24,441 I know it's the middle of the night, 136 00:06:24,443 --> 00:06:26,126 but, come on, make an effort. 137 00:06:26,128 --> 00:06:27,552 You're making a mistake. 138 00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:30,055 The murderer is obviously Jeffrey Dahmer, 139 00:06:30,132 --> 00:06:32,557 and he'll kill again. 140 00:06:35,211 --> 00:06:37,729 No, no, no, no. Not Netflix. Hulu ending. 141 00:06:40,809 --> 00:06:42,734 Statue of Liberty, my good man. 142 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,296 So, Jeff, is there a Mrs. Dahmer? 143 00:06:46,298 --> 00:06:47,906 Ew. No. 144 00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:51,076 Jeff brought suspiciously fizzy roadies. 145 00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:53,328 Here's to a murder well solved. 146 00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:15,008 Hi, there. Our next show answers the question: 147 00:07:15,084 --> 00:07:16,918 What if you could walk into a drugstore 148 00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:18,495 and test yourself for AIDS 149 00:07:18,497 --> 00:07:21,665 right next to a shelf full of leftover Valentine's candy? 150 00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:25,185 Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy The Dropout. 151 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,674 So, you can probably tell from my Razor scooter 152 00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:31,724 that I'm in tech. 153 00:07:31,802 --> 00:07:33,452 I even got a scooter for the building. 154 00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:39,440 Yes, of course, and I love your hip, modern offices. 155 00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:41,868 Thanks. I didn't want my employees' ideas 156 00:07:41,945 --> 00:07:43,628 constrained by old paradigms 157 00:07:43,705 --> 00:07:46,298 like "walls" and "desks." 158 00:07:48,193 --> 00:07:49,784 So, what are your qualifications? 159 00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:53,029 Well, I dropped out of Stanford after six days. 160 00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:54,214 All I heard was Stanford. 161 00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:56,883 Now, this idea of yours, does it "rupt"? 162 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,035 No. It disrupts. 163 00:07:59,037 --> 00:08:00,203 Tell me everything. 164 00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:03,223 Well, I believe every person deserves to know 165 00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:05,542 which Sex and the City character they are. 166 00:08:05,544 --> 00:08:08,044 And until now, the only way to find that out 167 00:08:08,046 --> 00:08:10,396 was to either draw a full gallon of blood 168 00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:12,398 or take a lengthy BuzzFeed quiz. 169 00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:13,992 You mean, there's a better way? 170 00:08:14,069 --> 00:08:17,403 With just one drop of blood, my device can tell you 171 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,313 if you're a Samantha, a Miranda, 172 00:08:19,391 --> 00:08:21,891 or even Magda, the uptight housekeeper. 173 00:08:21,893 --> 00:08:23,317 Ms. Holmes, I can easily say 174 00:08:23,395 --> 00:08:25,337 that's the worst idea I've ever heard. 175 00:08:25,413 --> 00:08:27,154 Really? Well, what if I 176 00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:28,581 pitch it like this? 177 00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:32,159 My God. This is a complete game "stay the samer." 178 00:08:32,237 --> 00:08:34,179 I mean, game changer. That-That's the good one. 179 00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:36,256 Tell you what, if you pitch it one more time 180 00:08:36,408 --> 00:08:40,060 with your eyes really wide like a lunatic owl, I'm in. 181 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,522 Science. 182 00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:50,344 I'm thinking maybe one wall. 183 00:08:53,182 --> 00:08:56,609 Thank you all for joining me on this exciting journey. 184 00:08:56,762 --> 00:09:00,038 And you're all here on the ground floor. 185 00:09:00,115 --> 00:09:02,207 I decided to name the company 186 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,859 after our two founding principles: 187 00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:07,462 quizzes and diagnosis. 188 00:09:09,291 --> 00:09:11,383 - I'm so excited! - This is going great. 189 00:09:11,459 --> 00:09:12,959 I helped set up the projector. 190 00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,369 Our mission is to develop a machine 191 00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:17,872 that can run diagnostic tests 192 00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,149 with just one drop of blood. 193 00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:21,968 I got it to work with two drops. 194 00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,803 Two drops is garbage. You're fired. 195 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,480 Get out of my office. 196 00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:28,233 Now, I don't have to tell you 197 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,477 just how groundbreaking it is for a woman 198 00:09:31,554 --> 00:09:35,315 to be running a company like this in Silicon Valley. 199 00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:37,150 Sorry I'm late, I was disrupting the toilet. 200 00:09:37,226 --> 00:09:38,577 Don't mind me, I don't even work here, 201 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:39,986 but I am now your king. 202 00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:41,487 Everyone, this is Sunny. 203 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,417 He's a middle-aged man I met in India when I was a teenager. 204 00:09:45,568 --> 00:09:49,588 He is my father figure, business partner, mentor, lover, 205 00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:52,665 - and we share a Hulu password. - Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp. 206 00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:55,985 Like I was saying, Elizabeth is definitely in charge. 207 00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:58,154 Also, we're pivoting away from Sex and the City 208 00:09:58,156 --> 00:09:59,839 and doing Sopranos characters instead. 209 00:09:59,916 --> 00:10:00,932 What? No, n... 210 00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:03,584 No. No. No. That's not... 211 00:10:03,662 --> 00:10:05,586 All right, back to work. Now, if you'll excuse me, 212 00:10:05,664 --> 00:10:07,847 I'm gonna google where to put your outside leg 213 00:10:07,924 --> 00:10:09,499 during office couch sex. 214 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:12,168 Of course. Never would've thought of that. 215 00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:15,630 Elizabeth, can I see you on the office couch for a moment? 216 00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:24,347 How's the Sopranos blood profiler coming along? 217 00:10:24,349 --> 00:10:25,849 Still not working. 218 00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:28,868 It says I'm the horny priest who has lunch with Carmela, 219 00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:31,688 and... that's just... th-there's no way. 220 00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:34,615 But we got the big presentation for Walgreens tomorrow. 221 00:10:34,693 --> 00:10:36,617 This isn't CVS, where they throw you out 222 00:10:36,695 --> 00:10:38,786 for staring at the Maybelline posters too long. 223 00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:41,122 Can you get it working by tomorrow? 224 00:10:41,199 --> 00:10:43,141 Honestly, I'm a little over my head here. 225 00:10:43,218 --> 00:10:44,976 I applied for a receptionist job, 226 00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:46,961 and you guys put me back here. 227 00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:48,980 - What are we gonna do? - We just need to get 228 00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,556 to the next round of funding. 229 00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:53,209 The machine doesn't have to really work, 230 00:10:53,211 --> 00:10:55,302 they just have to think it works. 231 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:57,138 Are you saying we do fraud? 232 00:10:57,215 --> 00:10:58,898 No, no, no, it's not fraud 233 00:10:58,975 --> 00:11:02,051 because the machine works in my head. 234 00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,237 If I think it works, then it works. 235 00:11:04,313 --> 00:11:06,389 That's the Silicon Valley motto. 236 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:09,058 Just let me and Elizabeth worry about the presentation. 237 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,226 Now, if you'll excuse us, 238 00:11:10,245 --> 00:11:11,911 we're gonna go get in our self-driving car 239 00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:14,321 and mow down dogs all the way home. 240 00:11:18,236 --> 00:11:20,570 Well, thanks for having us, Ms. Holmes. 241 00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:22,755 We think your product might be a great addition 242 00:11:22,757 --> 00:11:24,073 to our chain of drugstores. 243 00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:25,758 Just keep in mind, I may have to duck out 244 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:28,186 if somebody needs to get into the eyedrops case. 245 00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,337 Well, we won't take up too much of your time. 246 00:11:30,415 --> 00:11:33,007 I'm sure you are going to find our machine 247 00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:35,176 is a perfect fit for your stores. 248 00:11:35,253 --> 00:11:36,586 I don't know about that. 249 00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:38,679 We already have a machine from Dr. Scholl's 250 00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:41,090 that tells you whether or not you need Dr. Scholl's. 251 00:11:41,092 --> 00:11:42,592 I don't see medical science 252 00:11:42,594 --> 00:11:44,369 getting much more sophisticated than that. 253 00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:46,854 Gentlemen, people used to say 254 00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:48,781 it was impossible to run tests 255 00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:50,767 on a single drop of blood. 256 00:11:50,769 --> 00:11:53,102 Well, I fired those people and hired new ones. 257 00:11:53,104 --> 00:11:55,130 And now, behold. 258 00:11:57,292 --> 00:11:59,551 Ooh! Science noise. 259 00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:01,553 With just one drop of blood, 260 00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:05,390 our device can tell you exactly which Sopranos character 261 00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:08,393 you are without having to take a dumb quiz 262 00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:10,636 written by a social media intern. 263 00:12:10,713 --> 00:12:11,804 Why Sopranos? 264 00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,306 Because my company 265 00:12:13,382 --> 00:12:15,641 - is like a criminal enterprise. - All right. 266 00:12:15,718 --> 00:12:17,293 And for no particular reason, 267 00:12:17,295 --> 00:12:20,797 I'm gonna be behind this curtain for the entire demonstration. 268 00:12:20,815 --> 00:12:23,742 All we need is a tiny blood sample. 269 00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:28,079 Ooh, it's doing stuff. 270 00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:34,644 This says, "Artie Bucco." Who's that? 271 00:12:34,646 --> 00:12:36,421 - Bald guy at the restaurant. - Yeah. 272 00:12:36,498 --> 00:12:38,147 He and Tony were friends growing up. 273 00:12:38,149 --> 00:12:39,740 Right, right, right. 274 00:12:39,818 --> 00:12:41,985 I'm not sure this machine is for us. 275 00:12:41,987 --> 00:12:44,745 Just a sec, let me, recalibrate something. 276 00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:51,585 "Tony." All right. Now this is Walgreens. 277 00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:57,016 Members of the Quizznos family, 278 00:12:57,093 --> 00:13:00,779 thanks to you, the device is a huge success. 279 00:13:00,855 --> 00:13:03,264 All the Walgreens executives love it. 280 00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:05,174 In fact, the company ordered 281 00:13:05,176 --> 00:13:08,344 an additional 80,000 machines. 282 00:13:08,346 --> 00:13:11,272 I told them we'd have them ready by 2:30 today. 283 00:13:11,349 --> 00:13:14,441 It's 2:05, so... chop-chop. 284 00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:17,462 Wait. I know why people love the machine so much. 285 00:13:17,539 --> 00:13:20,114 It's giving out too many false positives. 286 00:13:20,191 --> 00:13:21,357 Just look at the data. 287 00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:23,784 It's telling everyone they're a Tony. 288 00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:25,136 Look, wh... 289 00:13:25,213 --> 00:13:27,121 when you're blazing new trails, 290 00:13:27,198 --> 00:13:28,789 you are bound to hit 291 00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:30,700 a few speed bumps along the way. 292 00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:34,220 It's impossible for there to be only Tonys walking around. 293 00:13:34,297 --> 00:13:36,405 In an office with this many ponytails, 294 00:13:36,407 --> 00:13:39,484 - there's not one Furio? - Who's Furio? 295 00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,210 He was the hit man from Italy 296 00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,987 who Carmela fell in love with in season four. 297 00:13:43,064 --> 00:13:44,430 Right, right, right. 298 00:13:44,507 --> 00:13:46,825 Now, now, we've had a few hiccups, 299 00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:49,719 but I assure you, the problem is solved. 300 00:13:49,721 --> 00:13:53,222 The machine is finally giving accurate results. 301 00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:55,667 Yeah? We'll see about that. 302 00:13:57,729 --> 00:13:59,671 "Meadow's boyfriend Finn"? 303 00:13:59,747 --> 00:14:01,488 But he's the worst one. 304 00:14:04,327 --> 00:14:08,662 My God, we've been faking the results this whole time. 305 00:14:09,741 --> 00:14:11,999 - Tony? - Cool. I always thought I was a Tony... 306 00:14:12,077 --> 00:14:15,019 No, no. This whole operation has been a sham! 307 00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:16,521 And as for you... 308 00:14:16,598 --> 00:14:18,005 Why did you do it? 309 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:21,100 Childhood abuse or drug dependency, 310 00:14:21,177 --> 00:14:23,027 I'll-I'll see what my lawyer tells me to say. 311 00:14:28,684 --> 00:14:32,036 Welcome back. Our next show is The Bear 312 00:14:32,113 --> 00:14:34,113 because they wouldn't let us do Pam & Tommy 313 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:36,190 with Stewie as the penis. Not a joke. 314 00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:39,452 Anyway, here's The Bear, a show of which I am a huge fan. 315 00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,787 I'm the fan. You've never even seen it. 316 00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:43,789 I know how to make a sandwich and yell at people, 317 00:14:43,866 --> 00:14:45,699 it'll be fine. 318 00:14:51,132 --> 00:14:54,467 - Well, look who's back in town. - That's right. 319 00:14:54,469 --> 00:14:56,969 Sure is weird being back in the old family restaurant 320 00:14:57,046 --> 00:14:58,304 - here in Detroit... - Chicago. 321 00:14:58,306 --> 00:15:00,064 Chicago, but I am super sad 322 00:15:00,141 --> 00:15:01,457 - about how my daughter... - Brother. 323 00:15:01,459 --> 00:15:03,217 - Brother committed grand larceny... - Suicide. 324 00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:04,885 Yep. I-I only watched a trailer. 325 00:15:04,963 --> 00:15:08,297 Anyway, now that he's dead, I can finally fulfill my dream 326 00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:10,299 of turning this place into a Johnny Rockets 327 00:15:10,301 --> 00:15:12,577 and/or the fancy restaurant from Ratatouille. 328 00:15:12,654 --> 00:15:15,154 I kind of feel like you got to pick a direction. 329 00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:16,581 We're doing both. 330 00:15:29,654 --> 00:15:32,096 Yeah. You can tell I'm good at cheffing 331 00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:34,157 because of all the quick edits and loud music. 332 00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:36,175 The previous chef only cooked 333 00:15:36,252 --> 00:15:38,102 with fewer edits and quieter music, 334 00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:40,346 so, therefore, I resent this change. 335 00:15:40,423 --> 00:15:43,257 Well, get on board 'cause that's how we're doing it now. 336 00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,759 Bad news, Chef, we're out of... I... 337 00:15:45,837 --> 00:15:47,503 I don't... I want to say beef? 338 00:15:47,505 --> 00:15:48,947 Yes, beef. 339 00:15:49,023 --> 00:15:50,764 You people are unbelievable. 340 00:15:50,842 --> 00:15:52,191 Boy, now what do I do? 341 00:15:52,268 --> 00:15:54,860 Well, if you've got any oven jeans to sell, 342 00:15:54,937 --> 00:15:55,937 this is the time. 343 00:15:56,864 --> 00:16:01,017 You told me you had a supply of vintage denim to sell. 344 00:16:01,019 --> 00:16:02,852 This is just a Winnie the Pooh varsity jacket. 345 00:16:02,854 --> 00:16:05,797 You want it or not? I got a lot of people who are interested. 346 00:16:05,873 --> 00:16:07,948 I... 347 00:16:08,026 --> 00:16:09,358 No. I don't want it. 348 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,802 What if I told you there's condoms 349 00:16:10,878 --> 00:16:12,953 in every pocket of that bad boy? 350 00:16:13,031 --> 00:16:16,866 I'd say you just got yourself 40 pounds of trunk beef. 351 00:16:20,888 --> 00:16:23,630 Wow, Chef, you've really turned this place upside down. 352 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:26,892 Yes, even I have been reluctantly won over. 353 00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:28,227 Well, it's just in time 354 00:16:28,304 --> 00:16:30,154 for the big Chicago food critic who's coming. 355 00:16:30,231 --> 00:16:33,157 He's the biggest food critic in all of Chicago. 356 00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:36,327 Yeah, they call him "Mr. Chicago Food Guy." 357 00:16:36,404 --> 00:16:39,497 Anyone who gets a bad review from him is executed, 358 00:16:39,574 --> 00:16:41,315 Chicago-style. 359 00:16:41,392 --> 00:16:43,334 Guys, if you didn't want to do The Bear, 360 00:16:43,411 --> 00:16:46,170 just say so, but whatever this is... 361 00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:48,339 All I know is this hectic kitchen of ours 362 00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:51,158 sure is different from the fancy, hoity-toity restaurant 363 00:16:51,236 --> 00:16:52,543 in New York where I used to work, 364 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,762 of which we will now see a flashback. 365 00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:59,166 Is this food tiny enough for rich New Yorkers, Chef? 366 00:16:59,244 --> 00:17:01,502 - Plate bigger, food tinier, Chef. - Yes, Chef. 367 00:17:01,579 --> 00:17:03,855 It should look like two grains of rice served on a door. 368 00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:05,264 Yes, Chef. 369 00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:07,099 You call this tiny food? 370 00:17:07,176 --> 00:17:08,693 This food is enormous. 371 00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:10,028 You're terrible at this, Chef. 372 00:17:10,104 --> 00:17:11,754 I'm sorry, Chef. I'll do better, Chef. 373 00:17:11,756 --> 00:17:14,440 The woman at table 35 wants a sausage for her buns. 374 00:17:14,517 --> 00:17:16,200 That was a sex joke, say "giggity," Chef. 375 00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:17,943 Giggity, Chef. 376 00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:20,112 You'll never make it in the New York restaurant scene, 377 00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:22,206 which is understood to be the fanciest even though 378 00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:23,541 when you say "New York," people immediately 379 00:17:23,618 --> 00:17:25,785 - think of street hot dogs. - Yes, Chef. 380 00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:26,952 And where's your hair net? 381 00:17:27,029 --> 00:17:28,862 I-I thought it was sexy underwear. 382 00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:30,456 - There's no leg holes. - I know. 383 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:33,009 I just bagged it like grocery store onions. 384 00:17:33,795 --> 00:17:35,035 Juxtaposition. 385 00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,888 Anyway, I got us fresh sourdough 386 00:17:36,964 --> 00:17:38,556 for the big Chicago food critic. 387 00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:40,116 No, that was the old way. 388 00:17:40,118 --> 00:17:42,134 We're doing just King's Hawaiian rolls. 389 00:17:42,211 --> 00:17:43,877 I think we should stick with sourdough. 390 00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:45,137 No! Only cake bread! 391 00:17:45,214 --> 00:17:46,305 Wet beef on cake! 392 00:17:46,382 --> 00:17:47,732 That's my Chicago! 393 00:17:47,809 --> 00:17:49,792 Speaking of which, I think it's time for several shots 394 00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:52,904 of an elevated train with a lot of clickity-clack noises. 395 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:04,248 Chicago! 396 00:18:07,161 --> 00:18:08,735 All right, big day today, Chefs. 397 00:18:08,813 --> 00:18:10,162 Since that critic is coming, 398 00:18:10,239 --> 00:18:12,381 everything needs to go exactly right. 399 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,667 Here he is! 400 00:18:14,743 --> 00:18:16,743 All right, signed photo of Rick Moranis. 401 00:18:16,821 --> 00:18:18,096 Off to a good start. 402 00:18:18,172 --> 00:18:20,323 Welcome to the restaurant from The Bear. 403 00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:22,007 We saved you our best table. 404 00:18:22,084 --> 00:18:23,826 Joe, what-what are you doing here? 405 00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:25,845 I heard we were doing a special episode, 406 00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:27,997 so I decided to drop in as my favorite 407 00:18:27,999 --> 00:18:30,166 FX-next-day-on-Hulu character: 408 00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:34,003 Raylan Givens from City Primeval. 409 00:18:34,005 --> 00:18:36,005 You can't just say a bunch of words 410 00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,247 and think they make a sentence. 411 00:18:37,342 --> 00:18:39,675 You kidding me? It's huge on Hulu. 412 00:18:39,677 --> 00:18:41,768 Top 100 for sure. Easy. 413 00:18:41,770 --> 00:18:43,512 At least top 200. 414 00:18:43,514 --> 00:18:44,789 - Easy. - Joe, get out of here. 415 00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:47,350 I'm trying to get a baby critic to like my wet beef. 416 00:18:47,352 --> 00:18:49,276 I'm so sorry, then just say that. 417 00:18:49,354 --> 00:18:51,871 All right, good news, while you two were messing around, 418 00:18:52,023 --> 00:18:53,356 I tried all the food. 419 00:18:53,358 --> 00:18:55,541 And I'm going to give a great review to The Bear. 420 00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:57,951 Okay, time-out. What is "The Bear"? 421 00:18:58,029 --> 00:18:59,362 Wha...? Is this restaurant "The Bear"? 422 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:01,864 - Am I "The Bear"? - I-I thought the idea was 423 00:19:01,866 --> 00:19:04,625 restaurant ownership, you know, more generally, is "a bear." 424 00:19:04,702 --> 00:19:07,052 Okay, all right, that makes sense. 425 00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,387 Chris, you've seen the show. 426 00:19:08,464 --> 00:19:10,222 Who or what is "The Bear"? 427 00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,817 Well, your last name is "Berzatto," 428 00:19:12,894 --> 00:19:14,968 so "bear." 429 00:19:15,046 --> 00:19:16,729 Okay, so it is me. I'm Bear. 430 00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:18,214 People call me "The Bear"? 431 00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:19,565 Yeah, they kind of don't though. 432 00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,884 But in season two, there's a restaurant 433 00:19:21,886 --> 00:19:23,386 also called "The Bear." 434 00:19:23,388 --> 00:19:25,221 All right, so I'm feeling like you have not answered 435 00:19:25,223 --> 00:19:26,906 my question at all, but just so I'm clear: 436 00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,407 I'm the main guy, right? 437 00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:30,651 I-I'm the guy who sort of looks like a hot Gene Wilder? 438 00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:33,245 - Does he? - Yeah. Yeah, let's pull him up. 439 00:19:33,322 --> 00:19:34,338 See, look at that, can't you see, 440 00:19:34,415 --> 00:19:36,156 like, a kind of CrossFit Willy Wonka? 441 00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:37,842 No, no, we're not taking shots at hi. 442 00:19:37,919 --> 00:19:39,993 He's an FX-next-day-on-Hulu star. 443 00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:42,013 Let's bring up the MyPillow guy. 444 00:19:42,089 --> 00:19:45,499 He looks like a guy whose Discover card just bounced. 445 00:19:45,576 --> 00:19:47,760 Or a guy who takes solo trips to Thailand. 446 00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:50,746 That guy your mom dated too soon after the divorce. 447 00:19:50,748 --> 00:19:53,599 The driver's ed instructor you've heard whispers about. 448 00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:56,752 He's definitely burned his hand on a Benihana grill. 449 00:19:56,754 --> 00:19:59,363 The reason nine women have just broken their silenc. 450 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,424 He looks like he belongs in the front 451 00:20:01,426 --> 00:20:02,925 and back seat of a police car. 452 00:20:02,927 --> 00:20:04,851 He looks like a guy who boards in Group 3 453 00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:06,370 even though he's in Group 8. 454 00:20:06,447 --> 00:20:08,206 He looks like a guy who's not allowed to talk 455 00:20:08,282 --> 00:20:09,540 to his wife's sister. 456 00:20:09,617 --> 00:20:11,042 Or a male nurse that interrupts 457 00:20:11,118 --> 00:20:12,952 a family's final moments. 458 00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:15,120 Maybe this, maybe this is "The Bear." 459 00:20:15,197 --> 00:20:18,031 I don't get why you're dead-set against doing this show. 460 00:20:18,109 --> 00:20:19,383 What are you afraid of? 461 00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,702 I don't know. I'm-I'm just confused by all of it. 462 00:20:21,779 --> 00:20:24,037 When I was a kid, it was just ladies that cooked. 463 00:20:24,115 --> 00:20:26,282 And guys with tattoos lived on ships. 464 00:20:26,284 --> 00:20:28,117 Okay? That's what makes sense to me. 465 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:29,393 This has been Da Bear. 466 00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,142 Well, we hope you had fun tonight 467 00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:38,961 with some of Hulu's best offerings. 468 00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:40,646 I know we sure did. 469 00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,907 But before we go, let's take a moment to remember 470 00:20:42,984 --> 00:20:45,818 some of the streaming services that are no longer with us. 471 00:21:00,379 --> 00:21:02,379 >>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org