It's awful, just awful.
I got these for free and I put in prescription lenses.
Okay, let's go crowd the gate
even though we're in group R.
Man, Bermuda is beautiful, isn't it?
You bet. And now I can cross another place off my Kokomo bucket list.
What's that?
Oh, I sorta used the lyrics to Kokomo
as my life's itinerary. I don't have a travel agent.
- I just have Kokomo. - Mmm.
I do recall your trips to Aruba and Montego.
Yep, and now Bermuda,
uh, I did Benihana...
- It's not "Benihana." - Sure is.
It's the cheapest one, honestly.
Boy, I can't wait till we can finally go to Kokomo.
Kokomo isn't real, Joe.
It's a common misconception.
If you go to all the others, you unlock Kokomo.
Only thing about Kokomo, though,
is you can check out any time you like...
but you can never leave.
That's something else entirely!
Welcome to the White Lotus Bermuda!
Named after the sports car, not the flower.
Wow, Brian, you look so handsome in that suit!
And I can't believe they already
promoted you to manager!
Honestly, Lois, working here has been just the change I needed.
I made the choice to sober up
and start a new clean life.
Me and Jeffrey can't believe
we's finally in the Bermuda Guy-Angle,
where we hear lots of handsome men
have mysteriously gone down over the years.
This is already a good trip.
For a grand a night, that should really be an iPad.
Wow, look at this room!
And what a beautiful painting!
Ah, yes. By a talented local artist.
It depicts the legend of a fat husband
who ignored his wife,
so she beheaded him
and had sex with his best friend,
who was a regional airline pilot.
Man, I just don't get art.
Yeah, great, can we just get to my room?
I've been holding in a dump since America.
Look at us, Peter, huh?
Finally on a romantic vacation together!
Ooh, you know what? Let's have crazy vacation sex,
right here, right now!
Eh, I dunno, maybe later.
I mean, you know my kryptonite is drapes that can open by a button.
Pick your poison, Lois.
Just the sheers? Full blackout? Or...
Uh, I think I broke it.
Forget it. I'll be at the pool.
Okay, I'll meet you down there.
I need 20 minutes for those red lines from my socks to smooth out.
Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're here.
I never do this,
but one of the bellhops yelled at me
when I was playing on the baggage cart
and I want him fired.
Stewie, he has three children.
Yeah, again, I never do this...
Why are you dressed like that?
Oh, when I go on vacation, I like to spice things up
by adopting a travel persona named "Desmond Voyage."
Oh, and one other teensy thing,
I actually specifically requested an ocean-view room.
You have an ocean-view room.
Eh, technically, I'm looking out onto a bay.
It's water.
Yeah, a bay is actually a curvature in the shoreline
that creates an inlet.
I don't want to have to look at any land.
Oh, hey, there.
We's just gonna scooch in next to you,
but sorry if we get loud.
We's just settlin' an argument
about what the deal is with Hilaria Baldwin.
I'll tell you her deal.
She's a woman from Boston named Hillary Hayward-Thomas,
who, on her first date with Alec Baldwin,
probably said "por favor" to a waiter to seem exotic,
and has been cosplaying as a Latina ever since.
Mmm, I like you.
What's your name? Unless you don't wanna say
'cause it's boring and ordinary.
Desmond Voyage.
Ooooh!
Desmond, would you join me, Jeffrey, and Dennis for dinner tonight?
Well, that depends on the menu, because I'm gluten-free.
Not medically. Just for the drama.
Ooooh!
C'mon, Chris. The drinking age in Bermuda is only 18,
so I wanna buy some rum to pound
so I can get totally blitzed!
It honestly makes me sad
you feel the need to show off to your own brother.
Oh, my God. I must have this!
What? Some lame touristy T-shirt?
Meg, according to high-school law,
vacation shirts equal status.
And Neil Goldman has been rubbing Señor Frog's Cancun
in my face for far too long.
Fine, we'll get the rum and the T-shirt.
That'll be $90.
$90?
- How much for just the shirt? - $40.
How much for... nothing?
That's $5.
Hotels! What are you gonna do, take a cab to a pharmacy?
Oh, my God, I can't wait to see St. David's Lighthouse!
I know!
What're we gonna do at a stupid lighthouse?
Wake me when it's a roadhouse.
Peter, you're driving!
Sorry.
Holy crap! Did you guys see that?
"World's Best Cheesecake"!
In Bermuda? Peter, there's no way that's true.
Yeah, I don't know, Lois. Who am I gonna listen to?
My wife or a sign on the side of the highway?
Dammit, Peter, I will not let you ruin another trip for me!
Come on, Glenn, let's go see that lighthouse!
Fine. Go.
Taxi!
- Good afternoon, sir. May I interest you... - Sorry, I'm from the United States,
so I'm scared to talk to anyone from the island
who doesn't work at the resort.
Front desk, this is Brian.
Yes, I'd like to request a wake-up call for tomorrow
even though every human on Earth
now has an alarm clock in their pocket.
Oh, hey, Stewie. Sorry again about the mix-up with your room,
but I hope you're enjoying the apology fruit platter I sent up.
Meh, it's mostly honeydew.
And not a berry to be found on the whole plate.
What do you mean? There's strawberries.
Mmm, not technically a berry.
It's actually an aggregate accessory fruit.
It's got the word "berry" in the name!
Doesn't make it a berry. It's also got the word "straw,"
but I'm not sipping my drink through it.
So now I'm sitting here, staring at a bay
with a plate of aggregate accessory fruit
and wondering how you plan to make this up to me!
Oh, hey, Peter. How's the trip going?
Awesome, Brian. Not only did I manage to find the world's best cheesecake,
I even brought back an extra piece.
Hey, I saw Lois and Quagmire
have been posting a ton of stuff on Instagram.
Seems like they had quite a day.
Does this bother you at all?
No way. I'm doing vacation exactly right.
Some idiot's takin' my wife to all the boring places I don't wanna go.
Meanwhile, I'm at the hotel just eatin' cheesecake and ordering more towels.
Hey, can I get more towels to room 412?
Hmm, I think I'll get the salmon.
The salmon, huh?
I think that's a great idea!
Oh, my God, what is that?
It's a Christmas ornament I got at the lighthouse gift shop.
Ooh, I just love small things
that remind me of big things I've seen!
Settle down.
Another Oreo cookie milkshake with vodka in it!
You know, I'm feeling a little hot in these pants.
I may just go upstairs real quick
to change into a sarong.
Huh. I feel like I'd also like to slip into my sarong.
Sarong run?
You okay with them spending so much time together?
Yeah, no one in the history of the world
has ever gone on a sarong run.
Relax, it's fine.
And no amount of ominous waves crashing onto a rocky shore
are gonna change my mind.
Now, Rupert, we mustn't let our new friends
see that we are anything but adults,
just like they are.
So, Desmond, what did you do today?
Oh, I spent most of the day in the business center,
- as adults do. - Really?
Yes, they're running an Epson ET-5180 in there.
Not my preferred choice, but, you know...
thing jammed and I didn't even cry. No tantrum.
Just kept on doing my business.
You guys, let's totally do credit card roulette
to see who pays for dinner.
- Right? Yeah. - I love it.
Oh, indeed, he... here's... here's mine.
This is a Peppa Pig bookmark.
No! No, they let you customize the credit card.
I almost went with the Montreal Expos.
They're not a team anymore.
Yeah, I'm a big nostalgia guy.
Ah, there you are, Stew...
I mean, um... Mr. Voyage.
With apologies for the earlier fruit plate,
please accept this complimentary seafood tower.
Great. Now, could you bring us another one
that you haven't talked all over?
And I'd say this is less a seafood tower
than it is a seafood duplex.
Perhaps you'd prefer a complimentary bottle of our finest Riesling?
- Oh, that's sweet. - It's the least we could do.
No, I'm talking about the Riesling.
I didn't realize this was a bachelorette party in Nashville.
Just bring back another seafood tower
and the score of the Expos game.
That was amazing.
Desmond, you absolutely have to join us on our yacht tomorrow.
"Yacht"? I say, that sounds lovely!
Yay! We's gonna sail to and then hike up
a volcano called The Purple Head.
That's right. We's gonna start at the base
and then work our way to the tip.
You've got to be careful, though,
because The Purple Head's been known to erupt
when you least expect it.
I even heard it's created the world's biggest ash-hole.
I'm gonna join this table.
Peter, it seems like it's been a while
since Quagmire and Lois went upstairs.
Yeah, fine, I'll go check on 'em.
Oh, my God!
And I gotta clean it all up!
Yes, this is room 412.
Can I have some more towels, please?
Meg, look! It's that shirt!
Oh, God, I want it so bad!
Y'know, there is one way for me to get that rum
and for you to get that T-shirt.
We could always shoplift 'em.
Shoplift? Who do I look like,
celebrity film critic Rex Reed?
Convicted killer Robert Durst?
Journeyman quarterback Jameis Winston?
Okay, I'm not exactly sure what this is, but...
yeah.
- Hm, okay, I'm not sure how we... - Relax, I got this.
Go into a changing room, put the rum in your backpack.
Meanwhile, I'll go in another changing room,
put the shirt on, then casually walk out like I came in wearing it.
Okay. Got it.
What are you doing?
Run! Run! I messed up!
Desmond! You made it!
Yes, I'm sorry I'm late!
I was in the business center helping Mr. Takahashi
log into his United account.
Do you know he's 75?
I have no idea who you're talking about.
All right, now could someone please help me onto the boat like a woman?
Yes, there you are, just guide me by my wrist and elbow.
So, heading up the volcano again?
Yep. And just like every year, when we reach the top,
we're all going to make a sacrifice.
"Sacrifice"?
Well, no wonder they've been so nice to me, Rupert.
They're going to make a sacrifice to the volcano.
And I'm the only virgin on this boat!
No, no, no, I don't care if you've found Jesus.
What happened before still counts.
Caught shoplifting booze and a T-shirt?
What were you guys thinking?
I'm sorry, Brian.
I was just trying to keep up with Neil Goldman.
Oh, yeah, that Señor Frog's Cancun shirt?
Oh, yeah, no, that thing's badass.
But, Meg, it says here you not only stole rum,
but also two tiny novelty license plates that say "Mel" and "Greg"?
I was gonna cut 'em in half and solder 'em together to spell "Meg."
There's no way people are still naming their kids "Mel."
Like, name one "Mel" under 50.
I think we're getting off track.
I'm just saying, you can stop printing the "Mel" s.
- We don't print them. - Okay,
then you can stop ordering the "Mel" s.
Hey, Lois... open wide.
Glenn, I want you to take my cherry.
Yeah, I'll take your cherry.
You want my crust?
Eww... no.
No, I mean, I like crust,
but don't... ugh, don't say it like that.
This is Brian.
Brian, this is a resort executive
in a heavily-embroidered open-collar shirt.
We've gotten several complaints from a very important guest,
Desmond Voyage,
including the fact that, "The in-room movie selections
don't include Michael Clayton,
despite there clearly being a still image of it on the home screen."
Frickin' Stewie...
He says, for him, "Falling asleep to George Clooney
shouting about toxic agrochemicals
scratches a very specific itch."
Yep, I'll handle it. Thanks.
Ah, I've missed you, Captain.
And I've missed you, Brett.
It's... it's Brian.
Oh, sorry, I... I guess I'm always super-wasted when we hang out.
Hey, so, this seems far enough, right?
Like, I bet if we turn around now,
we can still get back in time to make fun of the cabana waitress
with the lopsided boob job, heh?
Dammit, Rupert, we're running out of time...
I've got a signal! I've got to call Brian!
- Hello. - Brian, help!
I'm hiking to the top of a volcano
where I'm going to be thrown to my death as a sacrifice!
Screw you, Stewie.
You've turned my job into a total nightmare.
Hey, you... you think a novel set inside a mushroom would be a good idea?
Except... except you wouldn't know it's a mushroom
until the very last page.
I'd call it...
"Mushroom Surprise."
Well, that kind of gives it away.
No, no, 'cause in the story,
that... that's the guy's favorite soup,
so, like, that's what you'd think it means.
Honestly, I don't get the whole soup angle.
It seems needlessly confusing.
You don't know!
You always think you're better than me.
Well, you're not.
In fact, I've met a ton of celebrities at this job.
- Name one. - Um... Brad?
Brad somebody? He was in, um...
Go to hell, Stewie! I'm not helping you!
Brian, please! Don't hang up!
Oh, Rupert, I'm so scared!
This may finally be the end for me...
Hello? Brian?
I remembered which Brad it was.
It was Toby Huss.
So... is there somethin' you wanna tell me?
Oh, nothing, just swam with a dolphin this morning, no biggie.
- Not you! - It actually was me. Check Facebook.
Peter, uh, Lois and I don't know what you're talking about.
I know you've been eatin' cheesecake with my wife behind my back!
You left a used napkin in the couch!
Okay fine, Peter, it just... it looked too good!
Quagmire and I each had one bite, but that's it!
It's true! After that, we both felt so guilty,
we threw the rest of it off the balcony and into the ocean.
Wow, this is, like, the world's best cheesecake!
Yeah. I saw the sign.
I'm sorry we lied to you, Peter.
But, look, I think there's a part of me that was angry
you seemed to care more about a dumb piece of cheesecake
than being on a romantic vacation with your wife.
It's my fault, too, Lois.
I'm sorry I've been kinda neglecting you this trip.
Hey, I know.
How 'bout we flush the whole afternoon down the tubes
by wandering through a bunch a boring overpriced boutiques?
Oh, that's all any woman wants!
I love you, Peter.
Okay, Desmond, the moment has arrived.
Time to step up to the lip of the volcano.
This is it, Rupert.
If Lizzo ever writes back,
I want you to have the letter!
Put it in a frame I would like.
Talk to Curt at Aaron Brothers. He's fantastic!
- Yay! We did it! - Did what?
I... I thought Dennis said you were all going to make a sacrifice.
That's right.
The sacrifice is that we's postin' a pic
with no filter and no Photoshop.
And... posted!
Ooh,
first comment!
"So brave to post such a terrible photo of yourselves."
Aaa! Aaa! Delete! Delete! Delete!
Fine, Stewie,
maybe we don't have Michael Clayton.
But we got that Matt Damon fracking movie.
Basically the same thing.
What's that... what's it called? I wanna...
I wanna say Frack Damon.
And... and, oh, not enough berries on your plate?
I... I got some berries for you,
of the dingle variety...
Housekeeping.
No, no, no.
You know, posting that photo wasn't the only sacrifice we made today.
- Really? - Yep.
You won't find a single carb on this boat.
Um... flatbread is a carb.
Oh, my God, he's right!
Why did we think that? Just 'cause it's flat?
I must a had two boxes!
My hat that no one likes!
Oh, no!
I know!
So sad.
The lifeguard said the sharks were lured to the resort
because someone threw cheesecake in the water.
Oh, um, is that right?
I don't know if I's ever gonna recover.
I could come back with you.
Oh, let the healing begin!
Oh, hey. Where have you been?
At the duty-free shop,
buying six cartons of cigarettes,
a jug of Dior perfume, and a tin of wafer cookies.
Oh. Did you get a good deal?
I have no idea.
And what about you? You're coming home with us?
Yeah. I actually got fired
for dragging my ass on every inch of a guest's hotel room.
Aw, epic! Even their pillow?
- Yep. - Nice!
Maybe next year we'll go to the White Lotus in Thailand.
Eh, I hear it's not as good.