1 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:39,122 So that's how I wound up smoking opium with Erma Bombeck. 2 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,707 But, enough of my stories, 3 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,417 we're here to tell yours. 4 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,044 Brian Griffin, you're up. 5 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,504 Sorry, I'm not quite ready. 6 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,798 I guess the "me" ate my homework. 7 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,718 Do you even have an idea? 8 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,514 Okay, a dog who's in a writing class 9 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,476 desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m. 10 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,478 No, that's not an idea, 11 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,689 you're just describing what's happening. 12 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:07,359 Right. What about "The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo?" 13 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,028 You want to be a writer, Brian, yeah? 14 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:14,032 I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest. 15 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,410 Something so real and true, 16 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:19,204 if you can't express it, you'll die. 17 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,873 Okay, I got it. 18 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,875 The "Karate Adult." 19 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:26,837 Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references 20 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,257 or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you. 21 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:34,553 It's adventure, love, intrigue, life! 22 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,598 And until you live it, you have no business here. 23 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,725 Please turn in your scarf and leave. 24 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,313 Okay, next up, Joe Swanson. 25 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,231 "A dedication for Bonnie." 26 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,942 Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood. 27 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:53,488 "Detective Bo Bonsen held the gun and whispered, 'Who can't walk now?'" 28 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,699 Now that's writing. 29 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:03,332 Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize. 30 00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:07,836 We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year. 31 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,172 You protested and we learned. 32 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,425 Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity. 33 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,887 Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do. 34 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,473 So we have a simple plan to win you back. 35 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:23,477 Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer. 36 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,688 Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold 37 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,398 and flash your current genitals. 38 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,152 If they're both penises, you get a six pack, on us. 39 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,654 Bud Light. Wow. 40 00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,197 How did we get here? 41 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,576 Hey, Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot? 42 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,161 No, I totally blanked. 43 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:42,246 What am I missing? 44 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:45,541 How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas? 45 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,084 When did we get a bookcase? 46 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,877 I have something amazing to say, 47 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,170 but don't know what it is. 48 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,673 It kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say. 49 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:53,882 What do you think it is? 50 00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,801 What do I think you have to say? 51 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,511 I could get over my writer's block 52 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,555 if I could just step away from all the noise 53 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,765 and get inside the minds of the greats. 54 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,725 Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain... 55 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,978 - Are you gonna name a woman? - Jules Verne. 56 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,271 That's a guy, you turd. 57 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:10,315 It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then. 58 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,277 - Jules? - Ashley? 59 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,404 Well, this was a waste of a nosegay. 60 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:18,907 most gay stuff was accidental. 61 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,747 I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine, 62 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,917 we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track? 63 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,002 You'd do that for me? 64 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,795 Of course I would, old friend. 65 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,049 I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley. 66 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,217 She sounds so hot. 67 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:52,357 This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time, 68 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,234 so he's got to have some good advice. 69 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:55,777 Luke can see you now. 70 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,529 Welcome, gentlemen. 71 00:03:57,613 --> 00:03:59,031 If I knew you guys were coming, 72 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,908 I'd have taken a shower four months ago. 73 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,659 So Bathsheba said you're a writer? 74 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,369 Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets. 75 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:07,414 Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid. 76 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:10,501 Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy, 77 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,294 mom's a whore, friends betray him, 78 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,796 he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life, 79 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,507 running around like a zombie hippie. 80 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,592 No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess. 81 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,888 Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway. 82 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,060 How was I able to focus 83 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,897 to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist? 84 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,483 Well, writing is the only distraction 85 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,528 from how literally everything in London reeks of feces. 86 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,613 You should simply stool on your desk. 87 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,908 Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench. 88 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,827 You're not going to remember that? 89 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,794 If you or someone you know is struggling with depression... 90 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,712 Someone's not gonna kill themselves 91 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,048 because a cartoon dog said don't. 92 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,266 If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow" 93 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,810 what you can do the day after tomorrow.", 94 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,312 So good. Just dead on, man. 95 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,274 Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know? 96 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,109 Suppose you were an idiot. 97 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,945 Now, suppose you were a member of Congress. 98 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,697 But I repeat myself. 99 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,908 Oh, man, we are both on fire right now. 100 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:25,993 Both? 101 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,413 Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future. 102 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,331 He's not gonna know that one. 103 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:35,294 I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers. 104 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,380 I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee 105 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,842 being magically transported into King Arthur's Court. 106 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:42,926 Oh, word? 107 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,806 It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds. 108 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:52,394 I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train". 109 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,062 Feels like we're winding down here. 110 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:58,275 Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes? 111 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,904 You know, giving up smoking is easy. 112 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,739 I've done it hundreds of times. 113 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:08,702 I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such. 114 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:11,872 Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself. 115 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:18,587 I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash. 116 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,006 - Oh, we did it again. - He did it again. 117 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,799 I know, I'm setting him up perfectly. 118 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:27,596 Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me? 119 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,640 Interesting proposal. 120 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,934 I suppose I should be hesitant 121 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:35,646 but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe. 122 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:36,980 Mark Twain. 123 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,815 Did you just quote yourself? 124 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,901 Yes, Mark Twain. 125 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,529 - So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future, 126 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,532 and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel, 127 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:49,117 "The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan". 128 00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:50,619 You mean Huckleberry Finn? 129 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,663 See, that's already better. 130 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,498 I'll go fetch the manuscript. 131 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:56,667 Brian, this is a terrible idea. 132 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,460 We could change the course of history. 133 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,296 You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck? 134 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,173 I mean, the Crusades, Hitler... 135 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,217 Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle. 136 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:09,721 Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better. 137 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,397 So what do you think we should write about? 138 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,275 Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy 139 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,527 going on an unsupervised journey. 140 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,947 For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second. 141 00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,407 What if Merlin... 142 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,992 We're gonna put a pin in Merlin. 143 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,577 It's your grave, pal. 144 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,413 Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular. 145 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:38,208 Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather 146 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:41,170 in New England, wait a minute. It'll change." 147 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,089 Well that normally gets a huge laugh. 148 00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:45,799 Let's build the book around that. 149 00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:48,302 No, it's got to be real and compelling 150 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,053 and ripped from the headlines. 151 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,097 Maybe something about a murdered woman. 152 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,474 Why would anyone care if a woman died? 153 00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:57,227 Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years. 154 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,688 We should catch you up on everything you've missed. 155 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:03,400 In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid... 156 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,862 Soon after the United States entered something called World War I... 157 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:10,073 Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II... 158 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,410 And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon... 159 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,454 Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce... 160 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:18,498 Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again. 161 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:19,958 So that's it. That's history. 162 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,586 My goodness gracious. Wow. 163 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,672 So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again? 164 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:29,051 From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory 165 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,385 wonder of today, 166 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:34,932 the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself. 167 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,850 I don't know why we invited Chris. 168 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:42,981 Okay, what about a murder mystery? 169 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:46,193 But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?" 170 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,153 - I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?" 171 00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:49,655 I wish you had dysentery, 172 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,741 because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole. 173 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,202 A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming. 174 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,913 Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun. 175 00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,164 We don't say that anymore. 176 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:02,459 A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief. 177 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,794 He robs graves. 178 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,671 I think more details just make it worse. 179 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,924 And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys. 180 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,970 Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum, 181 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,097 then gets murdered by an NFT? 182 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,474 I have no idea what any of that is. 183 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,477 Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum? 184 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,229 Could it be Dogecoin? 185 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,065 Some of these women are powerful attractive. 186 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,569 - What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs. 187 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,946 I need to use this outhouse for a moment. 188 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,949 What is a Latina? 189 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,535 It's like a regular woman, but different. 190 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,786 I think I like it. 191 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,419 Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona, 192 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,004 falls in love with a vegan. 193 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,923 And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life? 194 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,551 Hang on. Stewie's texting me. 195 00:09:57,181 --> 00:10:00,309 Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff. 196 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,936 We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone. 197 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,063 I always say, find a job 198 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:08,734 you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life. 199 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,570 And my job is looking at oily bazoombas. 200 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,907 I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate. 201 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,410 Novels are stupid and meaningless. 202 00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,620 I've been here a month 203 00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:22,497 and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time. 204 00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:26,001 The only thing that matters in this world is pornography. 205 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,504 It makes everyone feel alive. 206 00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:30,464 No, literature is important. 207 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:33,175 Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing. 208 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,970 Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset, 209 00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:42,351 lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon. 210 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,394 That's how all our great art was created. 211 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,231 By undistracted people who could cultivate genius. 212 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,815 We were all idiots. 213 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:49,983 I'd seen nothing. 214 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:51,902 I thought Hartford was amazing. 215 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,946 And now I wanna see it all. 216 00:10:54,029 --> 00:11:00,452 A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders. 217 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,664 That last line was not brought to you by Bud Light. 218 00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:07,417 We're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. 219 00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,836 Please keep your voice down. 220 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:12,339 Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me. 221 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,424 Raise your hand if you like novels. 222 00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:20,639 Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres. 223 00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:25,936 See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book. 224 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:31,692 Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand. 225 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,485 And I have two of the three. 226 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:35,654 - Give me your phone. - No. 227 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,406 Brian as your friend, 228 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,617 I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel. 229 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,829 Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this. 230 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,123 Then you've left me no choice. 231 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,296 My scones! My cake pops! 232 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:56,550 My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like! 233 00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,596 I love porn. 234 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,806 I want to make porn. 235 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,225 I want to be porn! 236 00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,646 Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich, 237 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,899 but I have no idea what it looks like. 238 00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,697 You turned one of the greatest writers 239 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,617 in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where. 240 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:24,244 - I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What? 241 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:27,497 Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left. 242 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,791 Brian, you've now thrown history off course. 243 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:32,544 This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted. 244 00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:35,714 Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today. 245 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,008 Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out. 246 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,176 It's just one class. 247 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,345 It's not like you're gonna be here forever. 248 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,140 Mark Twain will be fine. 249 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,477 Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand. 250 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,021 Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history. 251 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,315 His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that. 252 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,151 - What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn. 253 00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:57,861 I handed it in to my professor. 254 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,196 The quality is undeniable. 255 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,114 He'll pass it on to his publisher. 256 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:04,660 And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was. 257 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:07,120 You gave someone Huck Finn in this era? 258 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,247 Smart, right? 259 00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,666 Did you make any changes before you gave it to him? 260 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,835 To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not. 261 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,795 Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn? 262 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,129 Actually, no. Why? 263 00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:18,715 I was more offended than I've ever been in my life. 264 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,384 And then I read your book. 265 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,053 You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning. 266 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,514 You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning. 267 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,099 I'm afraid of trigger warnings. 268 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:30,727 The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege. 269 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,105 I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern. 270 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,566 And it takes place on stolen land. 271 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,984 Where are you sitting now? 272 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,235 Huck lives with two women 273 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,779 but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers. 274 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,197 Why do you hate women? 275 00:13:42,281 --> 00:13:46,243 You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy. 276 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,536 They were on an adventure. 277 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,497 You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him? 278 00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:52,875 - No! - Plus putting them on a raft, 279 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:54,251 that's able-ist. Brian. 280 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,170 We all want to take the ride. 281 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,130 The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn 282 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,258 is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork. 283 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,510 Oh, there it is, the word master. 284 00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,721 You're worse than the school shooter last year. 285 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,681 At least he knew everyone's pronouns. 286 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,475 - I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig. 287 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:11,768 There's whom's now? 288 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,770 Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races, 289 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,774 so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important. 290 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,109 What do you think? 291 00:14:19,193 --> 00:14:21,111 Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good? 292 00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,739 It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace. 293 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:28,952 And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen. 294 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,330 No, consider yourself canceled, expelled 295 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:35,292 and, worst of all, banned from my webinars. 296 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,919 Fine. I'll get out of your hair. 297 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:40,005 Professor, can I take five for mental health? 298 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,673 Legally, I can't say no. 299 00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:46,512 So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free. 300 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,021 It's just a dumb community college, Brian. 301 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,773 How bad can it hurt your reputation? 302 00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,608 Just watch some TV and relax. 303 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:03,070 And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits 304 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:06,615 once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke! 305 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:11,203 T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson! 306 00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:14,039 Jonathan Jonathan! 307 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,750 Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein! 308 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,587 Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman! 309 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,215 Dildonna Wam-Wam! 310 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,592 Kenan's still here? 311 00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:28,262 - Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation. 312 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,972 Thanks. I feel a little better. 313 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,724 We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report. 314 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:33,809 We can do that now. 315 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,812 Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner," 316 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,438 brought to you by Bud Light. 317 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,316 Screw it, we're touching the hot stove again. 318 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:47,823 Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in 319 00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:50,784 a racist, sexist screed to his writing class. 320 00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:53,412 Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list, 321 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:54,830 so I have a call to make. 322 00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,290 I can't believe this. 323 00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:59,042 If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author. 324 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,086 - Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway? 325 00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,588 You tried to steal his book. 326 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:04,173 You think you're the victim here? 327 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:07,593 Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it. 328 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,970 People are so anti dog, it's insane. 329 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,181 Guys, we have a bigger problem here. 330 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,641 Your little stunt ruined porn. 331 00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:15,976 What are you talking about? 332 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:20,355 Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips. 333 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,277 It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool 334 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,405 than to open them and remove all doubt. 335 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:33,202 The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room. 336 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,413 I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia. 337 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,415 Let them walk to school like I did. 338 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,042 That's not even Twain. 339 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,835 He stole it from Yogi Berra! 340 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,962 That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain 341 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,131 back into the past and undo this whole thing. 342 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:47,633 Fine. How are we gonna find him? 343 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:51,345 He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California. 344 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,390 I have a condition called Datassbergers. 345 00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:58,519 It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at. 346 00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:00,979 How the hell are we supposed to get to California? 347 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:04,316 Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man 348 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,069 and a boy making an unsupervised journey. 349 00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:18,932 That whole time, we just went 30 miles? 350 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,268 Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way. 351 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,106 Mark? 352 00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,025 What happened? 353 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:31,069 This industry chewed me up and spit me out. 354 00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:35,824 Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters, 355 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:41,496 and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon. 356 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:46,376 Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault. 357 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:47,794 Ow! 358 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,090 I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock. 359 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:58,597 And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27... 360 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,933 Brian, this is one of our great writers, 361 00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:03,227 and now he's being used as a human Kleenex. 362 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,396 Wait! Mister Twain, 363 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,775 my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours. 364 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,318 I don't wanna ruin your life too. 365 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:15,197 Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books. 366 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,157 Please let us bring you home. 367 00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,826 Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father? 368 00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:22,246 Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him. 369 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,082 Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me. 370 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,458 You're good men. 371 00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:31,255 No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me. 372 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,923 You'll land in 1870. 373 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,300 Just step off and it's programmed to return here. 374 00:19:35,384 --> 00:19:39,888 Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute, 375 00:19:39,972 --> 00:19:41,348 it'll change. 376 00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:45,644 I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious. 377 00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,149 Did he just grab a tug tube? 378 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,861 Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light! 379 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:57,990 Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea! 380 00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:01,076 We can't stop doing sex stuff. 381 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:09,668 Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history. 382 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,171 Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school 383 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,214 reading remains completely unchanged. 384 00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:18,427 Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium. 385 00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:21,346 - Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere, 386 00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:25,893 and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools. 387 00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:28,103 We pay cash for our new tubes, 388 00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:31,940 saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges. 389 00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:35,652 And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast. 390 00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:40,782 I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less. 391 00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:42,367 But don't take my word for it. 392 00:20:42,451 --> 00:20:45,120 Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan. 393 00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,080 I demand peak performance. 394 00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,751 So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain. 395 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,836 You can trust Twain Tubes, 396 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,006 man and boy operated since 1878. 397 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,674 That's gonna be hard to undo. 398 00:20:57,758 --> 00:21:00,427 Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?