1 00:00:31,149 --> 00:00:33,516 Here at Family Guy, about every ten years or so, 2 00:00:33,627 --> 00:00:35,496 we do an episode called "Viewer Mail," 3 00:00:35,497 --> 00:00:37,200 where we try out story ideas 4 00:00:37,201 --> 00:00:38,804 that fans have submitted in the mail. 5 00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:41,341 Lately, we've been getting a lot of DMs from fans 6 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:45,149 asking what mail is, and also suggesting story ideas. 7 00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:47,253 Like this one from viewer Derek... 8 00:00:47,254 --> 00:00:48,790 - It's usually dudes. - ... who writes, 9 00:00:48,791 --> 00:00:51,261 "Didn't Chris used to wear an earring one time? 10 00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:52,683 - Where'd it go?" - Well, Derek, 11 00:00:52,694 --> 00:00:54,097 thank you for your question. 12 00:00:54,108 --> 00:00:56,137 And, as it happens, we have an answer for you. 13 00:00:56,138 --> 00:00:58,408 An answer in the form of three epic films 14 00:00:58,409 --> 00:01:00,981 crammed into six minutes. Enjoy. 15 00:01:06,393 --> 00:01:09,665 It all began in the land of Mordor, 16 00:01:09,666 --> 00:01:12,570 forged in the fires of Spencer's Gifts, 17 00:01:12,571 --> 00:01:16,445 Sauron created the One Earrig to rule them all. 18 00:01:16,446 --> 00:01:20,253 What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs 19 00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,556 that will someday cost Amazon Studios 20 00:01:22,557 --> 00:01:24,294 two billion dollars, 21 00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:26,565 just to get review-bombed by racists. 22 00:01:26,566 --> 00:01:29,772 And also, this happened. 23 00:01:37,281 --> 00:01:40,761 Call of Gardening: Modern Shrubbery. Begin. 24 00:01:40,762 --> 00:01:44,468 Yeah. Awesome. I'm growing the crap out of this fruit. 25 00:01:44,469 --> 00:01:46,973 - You have unlocked: Barley. - Sweet. 26 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,912 I'll share it with my neighbors 'cause hobbits are a friendly, 27 00:01:49,913 --> 00:01:51,581 peaceful folk you can root for. 28 00:01:51,582 --> 00:01:52,684 Also, the last people 29 00:01:52,685 --> 00:01:55,757 who would ever go on an adventure, that's for sure. 30 00:01:55,758 --> 00:01:59,064 Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure. 31 00:01:59,065 --> 00:02:01,467 It's a very heterosexual quest 32 00:02:01,468 --> 00:02:04,207 with guys who call each other "my dear" a lot. 33 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,011 Where's your season one earring? 34 00:02:06,012 --> 00:02:09,117 Hang on, Gandalf, I think I got it here somewhere. 35 00:02:09,118 --> 00:02:11,488 Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight. 36 00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:13,358 - Mm... - But it's the hole 37 00:02:13,359 --> 00:02:14,762 I was given at birth. 38 00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:17,968 Just, uh... just get that earring, please. 39 00:02:17,969 --> 00:02:21,074 The truth is my hole doesn't get many visitors. 40 00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:22,944 Aah! 41 00:02:22,945 --> 00:02:24,781 How we doing on that earring? 42 00:02:24,782 --> 00:02:26,618 Here it is. 43 00:02:26,619 --> 00:02:29,591 Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil talk at me, 44 00:02:29,592 --> 00:02:32,931 and there's stuff on here about unlimited dark power. 45 00:02:32,932 --> 00:02:36,538 Ah. Go pack your underthings while I practice saying, 46 00:02:36,539 --> 00:02:39,578 "You shall not pass" in the mirror. 47 00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:47,927 Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Council of Elrond, 48 00:02:47,992 --> 00:02:50,664 a meeting that I called and then named after myself. 49 00:02:50,665 --> 00:02:53,569 Cool. If there's one thing that's awesome to show 50 00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:56,341 in a big action movie, it's meetings. 51 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,279 Where are we on the agenda, by the way? 52 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,049 And also, what's the Wi-Fi password? 53 00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,619 Just use "rivendellpublic". 54 00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:02,988 Okay, is that what-is that what you're on? 55 00:03:02,989 --> 00:03:05,126 Don't worry about what I'm on. Use "rivendellpublic". 56 00:03:05,127 --> 00:03:06,997 I feel like you're probably on a faster one. 57 00:03:06,998 --> 00:03:09,769 Look, we're here because Frodo has the One Earring, 58 00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:11,773 and it must be destroyed by returning it 59 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:15,146 from whence it came: Into the fires of Mount Doom. 60 00:03:15,147 --> 00:03:17,583 Yeah, "rivendellpublic" is super slow, man. 61 00:03:17,584 --> 00:03:19,722 Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo get there. 62 00:03:19,723 --> 00:03:20,891 I think we're all in agreement 63 00:03:20,892 --> 00:03:22,995 that one simply walks into Mordor. 64 00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:25,600 But aren't there... I like that reference by the way... 65 00:03:25,601 --> 00:03:27,872 aren't there giant eagles in Middle-earth? 66 00:03:27,873 --> 00:03:30,042 Can't Gandalf just fly me to Mordor 67 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,882 - on a giant eagle? - Nah, you got to walk. 68 00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:35,453 Hey, I like being part of this group, but I don't like 69 00:03:35,454 --> 00:03:37,658 that you all put your backpacks on my lap. 70 00:03:37,659 --> 00:03:40,129 I'm not a chair. I'm... 71 00:03:40,130 --> 00:03:42,234 I'm kind of a chair. 72 00:03:49,715 --> 00:03:52,487 Thanks for escorting me to Mordor, everyone. 73 00:03:52,488 --> 00:03:54,091 You bet. And what's great is that, 74 00:03:54,092 --> 00:03:56,629 since the soundtrack in these films is so forgettable, 75 00:03:56,630 --> 00:03:59,367 we can basically run any movie music we want here. 76 00:04:12,929 --> 00:04:14,531 Well, you're on your own from here. 77 00:04:14,532 --> 00:04:17,504 What? Y... You're leaving, Viggo Mortensen? 78 00:04:17,505 --> 00:04:19,507 Yeah, sorry, I got to go be in two more things 79 00:04:19,508 --> 00:04:20,676 and then no more things. 80 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,214 I also have to leave, 81 00:04:22,215 --> 00:04:24,953 but not to go check in with my parole officer, 82 00:04:24,954 --> 00:04:26,321 if that's what you're wondering. 83 00:04:26,322 --> 00:04:28,526 Yeah, and my beard kind of got caught in the spokes. 84 00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:30,764 I think I have to unspool it all the way back 85 00:04:30,765 --> 00:04:32,401 to where we started. 86 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,104 Ah, that's worse. 87 00:04:34,105 --> 00:04:36,976 And I can only poop in my own apartment in Lothlórien. 88 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,848 Didn't know we were gonna be out this long. 89 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:42,955 Oh, hey, I can tag along 90 00:04:42,956 --> 00:04:44,691 with you and the precious... I mea... I mean, 91 00:04:44,692 --> 00:04:46,562 that earring that I don't have big feelings about 92 00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:47,832 one way or the other. 93 00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:50,704 Friggin' great. So, how do we get there? 94 00:04:50,705 --> 00:04:52,073 Well, let's check the map. 95 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:55,313 This, um, this map is not very detailed. 96 00:04:55,314 --> 00:04:56,415 Okay. 97 00:04:56,416 --> 00:04:58,686 No, seriously. Why are there no roads? 98 00:04:58,687 --> 00:05:00,456 And I guess these three wavy lines 99 00:05:00,457 --> 00:05:02,527 are supposed to indicate a lake? 100 00:05:02,528 --> 00:05:04,697 I mean, there's really no detail on here. 101 00:05:04,698 --> 00:05:06,869 This is basically a child's menu. 102 00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:08,673 Who would be helped by this? 103 00:05:08,674 --> 00:05:11,212 Look, this is the map, okay? At least we know... 104 00:05:11,213 --> 00:05:12,613 we go that way. 105 00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:19,194 Why is they playing the theme from Stripeses, my precious? 106 00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:20,463 It's just... 107 00:05:20,464 --> 00:05:22,467 it's just a joke from earlier. 108 00:05:22,468 --> 00:05:26,041 Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map. 109 00:05:26,042 --> 00:05:28,379 All right, listen. I wanted to keep this a secret, 110 00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:31,485 but I do know a shortcut into Mordor. 111 00:05:31,486 --> 00:05:33,323 What? Where is it? 112 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,130 You just go through that tunnel. 113 00:05:37,131 --> 00:05:39,668 See where it says "Giant Spider Hole"? 114 00:05:40,682 --> 00:05:42,352 Is a giant spider in there? 115 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,272 No, th... that's just some kids messing around. 116 00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,833 I'm this! 117 00:05:55,769 --> 00:05:58,406 Aw, frick. 118 00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,211 What the hell, man? You tried to get me killed. 119 00:06:01,212 --> 00:06:04,150 That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more chances, 120 00:06:04,151 --> 00:06:06,824 and then you can't be in my quest anymore. 121 00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:17,010 There it is... Mount Doom. 122 00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:19,048 Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there? 123 00:06:19,049 --> 00:06:21,385 This valley's full of trolls and orcs 124 00:06:21,386 --> 00:06:23,790 and... oh, God, Mork from Orks. 125 00:06:23,791 --> 00:06:26,830 Ho, ho. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley. 126 00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:31,671 Thank you. Thank you very much. 127 00:06:31,672 --> 00:06:34,711 Ho, ho. Gandalf the Gray, or Gandalf the Gay? 128 00:06:34,712 --> 00:06:36,148 Hey, watch where you put 129 00:06:36,149 --> 00:06:37,818 that staff, mister. 130 00:06:37,819 --> 00:06:39,588 - Ho! Ho, ho. - Ho! Ho, ho. 131 00:06:39,589 --> 00:06:41,525 I... I can't go on. 132 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,295 I'm exhausted from all the riffing. 133 00:06:43,296 --> 00:06:46,668 Plus, he did a "gay" voice, and that's not okay anymore. 134 00:06:46,669 --> 00:06:49,541 It's over, Gollum. We're not gonna make it. 135 00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,780 We're all alone, and our path is blocked. 136 00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,951 And I forgot to turn on my step counter 137 00:06:53,952 --> 00:06:56,288 before we left the Shire. Perfect. 138 00:06:56,289 --> 00:06:57,590 We could probably estimate it. 139 00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,061 Oh, what, using the map? 140 00:06:59,062 --> 00:07:00,696 All right, if you're gonna keep being like this, 141 00:07:00,697 --> 00:07:02,433 I don't want to be your quest buddy. 142 00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:03,703 Wait, look. 143 00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:09,014 Where are all the Robin Williamses going? 144 00:07:09,015 --> 00:07:11,418 I wonder if maybe there are some private school kids somewhere 145 00:07:11,419 --> 00:07:13,088 not seizing the day. 146 00:07:13,089 --> 00:07:14,725 Oh, Sauron, my Sauron! Ho, ho! 147 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,295 Okay, yeah, I think it's that. 148 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,838 Should I watch these hobbits, 149 00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,810 who are probably coming to destroy me? 150 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,449 Uhp. Galadriel's showering. 151 00:07:30,458 --> 00:07:32,260 We finally made it. 152 00:07:32,261 --> 00:07:34,999 I know, and our faces and clothes are much dirtier 153 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,036 than when we started, so that means the journey 154 00:07:37,037 --> 00:07:38,439 was lengthy and difficult. 155 00:07:42,916 --> 00:07:45,855 Now we just got to throw the earring into the fire. 156 00:07:51,265 --> 00:07:55,306 Oh, no. It's the one true Lord of the Earrings, 157 00:07:55,307 --> 00:07:56,843 Harrison Ford. 158 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,022 Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire! 159 00:08:03,023 --> 00:08:05,293 That's the last thing Sauron wants, 160 00:08:05,294 --> 00:08:08,231 which is why he built a convenient land bridge 161 00:08:08,232 --> 00:08:09,367 to the fire. 162 00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:13,009 earring... off of my plane. 163 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:16,114 - What? - He's so stoned. 164 00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:17,117 Aah! 165 00:08:19,422 --> 00:08:20,490 It's done. 166 00:08:24,298 --> 00:08:27,304 Hey, so, I kind of need to go die with the precious. 167 00:08:27,305 --> 00:08:29,775 All I ask is that my death scene be accompanied 168 00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:32,247 by a piece of very dramatic film score. 169 00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:51,685 Welcome back. And big thanks 170 00:08:51,686 --> 00:08:53,589 to all the viewers still sending us DMs. 171 00:08:53,590 --> 00:08:57,163 Viewer Gayle K. writes, "Have y'all been to space?" 172 00:08:57,164 --> 00:08:58,800 Okay, now that's a bit tone-deaf. 173 00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:01,538 Viewer Ryan asks, "How did the Griffin family 174 00:09:01,539 --> 00:09:03,075 get to Quahog in the first place?" 175 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,814 Funny story. The Griffins' pioneer ancestors 176 00:09:05,815 --> 00:09:08,953 actually traveled to Quahog on the Oregon Trail, 177 00:09:08,954 --> 00:09:11,158 the other way. Let's watch. 178 00:09:19,986 --> 00:09:22,981 Good evening, and welcome to Channel Five News, Oregon. 179 00:09:22,982 --> 00:09:25,553 Coming up: Moss, and lots of it. 180 00:09:25,554 --> 00:09:27,123 But first, in summer trends, 181 00:09:27,124 --> 00:09:28,392 there's an all-new race 182 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,663 to be unjustifiably prejudiced against, 183 00:09:30,664 --> 00:09:32,567 and it's called "Chinese." 184 00:09:32,568 --> 00:09:34,972 Man, Oregon sucks so bad. 185 00:09:34,973 --> 00:09:36,709 For a state called the "Beaver State," 186 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,579 this place is a sausage fest. 187 00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:39,782 I'm with Pioneer Chris. 188 00:09:39,783 --> 00:09:42,620 Having to pay for everything in otter pelts is a hassle. 189 00:09:42,621 --> 00:09:44,158 Also, the Megs keep dying. 190 00:09:47,498 --> 00:09:49,667 You. You're the inside Meg now. 191 00:09:49,668 --> 00:09:52,507 The rest of you, come bury your sister very shallowly. 192 00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:55,679 You know, I hear tell of a majestic territory 193 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:59,454 somewhere out yonder called "Quahog, Rhode Island." 194 00:09:59,455 --> 00:10:01,124 Ooh, I've heard the same. 195 00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:03,963 They say there's a whole small world out east, 196 00:10:03,964 --> 00:10:06,401 with minimal land, just ripe for the taking. 197 00:10:06,402 --> 00:10:09,307 Why, it's the American destiny, Manifest Retreat. 198 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:13,216 Aw, Oregon's not so bad, guys. What about the microbrews? 199 00:10:15,254 --> 00:10:18,425 Silly beer. We're staying in Oregon. 200 00:10:18,426 --> 00:10:20,295 And finally tonight, in sports, 201 00:10:20,296 --> 00:10:23,034 hope is high for Oregon's premiere athlete, 202 00:10:23,035 --> 00:10:26,375 - Steve Pre-Pre-Pre-Prefontaine. - We're leaving. 203 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,226 Ah, the journey begins. 204 00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:37,965 And we've already lost a Meg to dysentery. 205 00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:42,775 Please, just don't put the cause of death on my tombstone. 206 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,379 Nah, people need to know you died gross. 207 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,516 "Explosive" feels like 208 00:10:47,517 --> 00:10:49,521 an unnecessary detail. 209 00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:54,966 How's the Oregon Trail 210 00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:57,470 going for everyone so far, huh? 211 00:10:57,471 --> 00:10:59,775 Are we having a good Oregon Trail? 212 00:10:59,776 --> 00:11:01,578 Let me know when you need snacks. 213 00:11:01,579 --> 00:11:02,982 Brian, does this Stewie 214 00:11:02,983 --> 00:11:05,119 - want to kill Lois? - Uh, I don't know. 215 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,856 Yeah, I-I'm not really sure what the rules are. 216 00:11:06,857 --> 00:11:09,795 I think I'm just gonna kind of lay low until this one finishes. 217 00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:13,034 Oh, no. We weren't counting on this river. 218 00:11:13,035 --> 00:11:15,039 Is there some way around it? 219 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,809 I don't know. Maybe we could check the map. 220 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,078 Oh, yeah, let's check 221 00:11:18,079 --> 00:11:20,483 - the very helpful map. - Chris. 222 00:11:20,484 --> 00:11:21,986 Hey guys, while you've been bickering, 223 00:11:21,987 --> 00:11:23,689 we lost another three Megs. 224 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,231 I mean, I guess we could use the dead Megs as a raft 225 00:11:28,232 --> 00:11:30,971 and float across the river. I'm being facetious, of course. 226 00:11:30,972 --> 00:11:32,307 I don't think we should use the Me... 227 00:11:39,890 --> 00:11:42,828 We're lost! What are we gonna do? 228 00:11:42,829 --> 00:11:44,497 Hey, I think Chris is starting to lose it. 229 00:11:44,498 --> 00:11:46,936 He's over there hosting a Real Housewive reunion 230 00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:48,105 with snowmen. 231 00:11:48,106 --> 00:11:50,978 Okay, let her talk. We're gonna let her talk 232 00:11:50,979 --> 00:11:53,281 and then we're gonna hear what you're trying to say. 233 00:11:53,282 --> 00:11:54,986 We're in real trouble, guys. 234 00:11:54,987 --> 00:11:56,889 If we don't find a way off this mountain, like, now, 235 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,258 we're gonna die up here. 236 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,229 All right, give me one second. I'm gonna go pray on this 237 00:12:00,230 --> 00:12:03,236 'cause human brains are stupid back now. 238 00:12:05,473 --> 00:12:07,110 God, it's me, 239 00:12:07,111 --> 00:12:09,548 Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor. 240 00:12:09,549 --> 00:12:12,119 My family is lost and we need your help. 241 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,257 Please send an angel who will deliver us 242 00:12:14,258 --> 00:12:15,994 to safety in Rhode Island. 243 00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:17,630 God, if you do this for us, 244 00:12:17,631 --> 00:12:19,902 I promise to stop kicking over grave markers 245 00:12:19,903 --> 00:12:22,975 I see on the side of the trail. Amen. 246 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,211 Peter, I... 247 00:12:24,212 --> 00:12:26,014 Aah! 248 00:12:26,015 --> 00:12:27,082 Oh, boy. 249 00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:30,289 Okay, God, if you could just send one more angel. 250 00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:31,558 Look, I'm putting the gun down. 251 00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,763 And maybe he could come out in front of me, 252 00:12:33,764 --> 00:12:35,166 where's it's not a surprise. 253 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,337 - Hey. - Hey, man. 254 00:12:37,338 --> 00:12:39,340 Look, just be cool, all right? 255 00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,545 I-I'm just gonna do a pioneer miracle 256 00:12:41,546 --> 00:12:43,315 for you and your family, all right? 257 00:12:43,316 --> 00:12:46,421 N-Nobody else needs to get hurt. Y-You already shot Jerry. 258 00:12:46,422 --> 00:12:48,993 Aw, he had a name. Now I feel worse. 259 00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:50,396 He-he didn't have a family, though, right? 260 00:12:50,397 --> 00:12:53,402 - Angels don't have families? - L-Let's just do this. 261 00:13:02,876 --> 00:13:05,192 There, that's Quahog, Rhode Island. 262 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,463 Sweet! Hey guys, come on! 263 00:13:07,464 --> 00:13:10,270 I found Quahog all by myself. 264 00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:14,377 Hi-ya! Ten points for Peter Griffin. 265 00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,950 That puts Griffin at 620 points total, 266 00:13:16,951 --> 00:13:18,652 a new Oregon Trail record. 267 00:13:24,484 --> 00:13:25,968 Well, family, we made it, 268 00:13:25,969 --> 00:13:28,171 and with just one Meg to spare. 269 00:13:28,172 --> 00:13:29,742 Welcome home, everyone. 270 00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:32,580 Peter, doesn't this house belong to someone else? 271 00:13:32,581 --> 00:13:33,615 Not for long. 272 00:13:34,337 --> 00:13:37,223 Hey, guys? You had 1,000 years to invent guns, 273 00:13:37,224 --> 00:13:39,695 and you didn't, so... sorry. 274 00:13:41,759 --> 00:13:44,470 I know, I know, this sucks, but all of America did this, 275 00:13:44,471 --> 00:13:46,441 so it's not just me, so it's okay. 276 00:13:46,442 --> 00:13:47,744 Ah. Terrific. 277 00:13:47,745 --> 00:13:50,249 Let's never teach about that in our schools. 278 00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:53,255 Oh, that's kind of a sad ending for Native Americans. 279 00:13:53,256 --> 00:13:55,526 Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years, 280 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:56,930 what's left of the Doobie Brothers 281 00:13:56,931 --> 00:13:58,065 is gonna play at their casino. 282 00:13:58,523 --> 00:14:00,971 Well, it's good to finally be settled in New England. 283 00:14:00,972 --> 00:14:03,408 - Yeah, but you better get going. - Why? 284 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,248 Because the only profession in 19th century New England 285 00:14:06,249 --> 00:14:08,854 is being soaking wet on a whaling boat. 286 00:14:11,549 --> 00:14:12,571 Hey, there's a whale. 287 00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:14,898 That's not the one specific whale 288 00:14:14,899 --> 00:14:17,370 that made me angry a few years back. 289 00:14:17,371 --> 00:14:20,310 Ah, God. New England stinks until Tom Brady. 290 00:14:25,554 --> 00:14:28,793 Welcome back. The DMs from viewers are still rolling in. 291 00:14:28,794 --> 00:14:31,765 Javier writes, "Hey, guys, since The Cleveland Show 292 00:14:31,766 --> 00:14:33,268 "was such a big success, 293 00:14:33,269 --> 00:14:35,239 "I wonder if you've considered giving Quagmire 294 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,240 a show of his own." 295 00:14:36,241 --> 00:14:38,011 Well, Javier, "big success" 296 00:14:38,012 --> 00:14:39,280 might be overly-charitable, 297 00:14:39,281 --> 00:14:41,417 but as it happens, Quagmire actually did 298 00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:44,557 have his very own variety show back in the 1960s. 299 00:14:44,558 --> 00:14:47,030 We've tracked down the only existing episode. 300 00:14:47,031 --> 00:14:48,131 Let's check it out. 301 00:14:51,873 --> 00:14:53,576 Hey, gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire, 302 00:14:53,577 --> 00:14:55,612 and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour. 303 00:14:55,613 --> 00:14:57,349 Let's open the show as we always do, 304 00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,587 by totally ruining a current song. 305 00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:19,427 Thanks, hon. 306 00:15:19,428 --> 00:15:21,564 Keep 'em coming till the '70s get here. 307 00:15:21,565 --> 00:15:23,569 Whoa, how'd you all get in my house? 308 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:27,710 The implication being that I've had so much to drink 309 00:15:27,711 --> 00:15:28,913 I don't know where I am. 310 00:15:28,914 --> 00:15:31,251 But no, I... I don't... I don't have a "prinking droblem"... 311 00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:33,456 a drinking problem. 312 00:15:41,072 --> 00:15:42,907 Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. 313 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,210 Now, stay tuned while I vamp 314 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,215 with this piece of on-set furniture, 315 00:15:46,216 --> 00:15:48,385 and that somehow counts as entertainment. 316 00:15:48,386 --> 00:15:51,726 Whoa! Whoa! 317 00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:54,932 Have you ever seen such furniture? Hoo, boy! 318 00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:56,983 - We are having a wild time tonight. 319 00:15:56,993 --> 00:15:58,372 - Whoa! 320 00:15:58,373 --> 00:16:01,545 Hey, won't somebody help me with this crazy couch? 321 00:16:03,622 --> 00:16:05,386 You're watching The Glenn Quagmire 322 00:16:05,387 --> 00:16:06,789 Giggity Good Time Hour 323 00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:09,127 with special guests Orson Welles, 324 00:16:09,128 --> 00:16:11,497 Tiny Tex, the little person cowboy, 325 00:16:11,498 --> 00:16:13,535 the Giggity Good Time Gals, 326 00:16:13,536 --> 00:16:16,742 and the winner of the Man Booker Prize for Narrative Nonfiction, 327 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,782 Professor Sharon Feinblatt of Cornell University. 328 00:16:19,783 --> 00:16:21,786 Brought to you by DuPont Chemical. 329 00:16:21,787 --> 00:16:24,792 Thank God you can't google us yet. 330 00:16:28,699 --> 00:16:30,569 Thanks, doll. This is almost it for me. 331 00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:33,241 Just 18 more, okay? 332 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,450 'Cause I drink so much, 333 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,815 18 drinks feels like not that many drinks. 334 00:16:36,816 --> 00:16:39,287 Stop saying the premise of the joke you just said. 335 00:16:39,288 --> 00:16:40,289 Just tell the joke. 336 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:41,459 Uhp! 337 00:16:41,470 --> 00:16:43,929 Somebody's at the Giggity Good Time Door. 338 00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:47,302 I'm sure it's not something wild and outrageous. 339 00:16:47,303 --> 00:16:49,307 What? 340 00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:51,511 Oh, this is the last thing I expected to see. 341 00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:54,283 Oh! Oh! They just keep coming. 342 00:16:54,284 --> 00:16:56,655 Look at all this. Wow! 343 00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:02,299 Oh, this is the wildest... 344 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,304 Hey. Frickin' easy, buddy. 345 00:17:04,305 --> 00:17:07,745 Idiot. Oh, so many band people! 346 00:17:07,746 --> 00:17:09,214 Noise equals fun. 347 00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:11,084 - What could possibly be zanier? 348 00:17:12,989 --> 00:17:15,325 We hope you're enjoying The Glenn Quagmire 349 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,527 Giggity Good Time Hour. 350 00:17:16,528 --> 00:17:19,267 Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags. 351 00:17:19,268 --> 00:17:21,037 We know you're frustrated, ladies. 352 00:17:21,038 --> 00:17:22,440 Scream into this bag. 353 00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,708 And now, here's Glenn 354 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,814 with the only reasonably attractive zookeeper 355 00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:27,851 in the western hemisphere. 356 00:17:27,852 --> 00:17:30,289 - Now, who's this guy? - This is Chloe. 357 00:17:30,290 --> 00:17:32,460 She's seven years old, and don't worry, 358 00:17:32,461 --> 00:17:35,332 she only panics around cigarette smoke and hair tonic. 359 00:17:35,333 --> 00:17:36,836 Oh, boy. 360 00:17:36,837 --> 00:17:40,209 This reminds me of my weekend at Lake George with Ava Gardner. 361 00:17:40,210 --> 00:17:41,477 Go to break. 362 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:43,448 Take it away, Smokey the sock puppet. 363 00:17:43,449 --> 00:17:45,920 The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour 364 00:17:45,921 --> 00:17:49,627 will be back in just a minute. No ifs, ands, or butts. 365 00:17:57,010 --> 00:18:00,015 And we're back with the lovely Dr. Sharon Feinblatt, 366 00:18:00,016 --> 00:18:02,754 here to talk about her new book. Now, what is it, Sharon? 367 00:18:02,755 --> 00:18:04,723 It's called Days of Disorder: 368 00:18:04,724 --> 00:18:07,529 Weimar Germany and the Birth of Modernity. 369 00:18:07,530 --> 00:18:10,335 Fascinating. Get up and give us a little spin, would you? 370 00:18:10,336 --> 00:18:13,074 Uh, um... What? 371 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:14,276 Nah, I'm just joshing. 372 00:18:14,277 --> 00:18:16,114 Please, go on while I bite my fist 373 00:18:16,115 --> 00:18:17,917 in a caricature of sexual longing. 374 00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:20,422 So, um, my book posits that, 375 00:18:20,423 --> 00:18:22,492 on its own merits, Weimar Germany 376 00:18:22,493 --> 00:18:25,666 was a fascinating laboratory of cultural innovation. 377 00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:28,338 Great, and can you share some of the recipes from the book? 378 00:18:28,339 --> 00:18:29,573 Uh, excuse me? 379 00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:32,280 The-the joke being that, if a woman wrote a book 380 00:18:32,281 --> 00:18:34,416 in these times, it's obviously a cookbook. 381 00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:35,519 You're doing it again. 382 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,656 This was a mistake. I am leaving. 383 00:18:37,657 --> 00:18:39,762 Yeah, and you should see a doctor about your sweating. 384 00:18:39,763 --> 00:18:41,698 - It's a real problem. - Aw, come on. 385 00:18:41,699 --> 00:18:44,303 You haven't even danced in the giant birdcage yet. 386 00:18:44,304 --> 00:18:47,276 Please, uh, please give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand, 387 00:18:47,277 --> 00:18:49,280 while I scream at an off-screen producer. 388 00:18:49,281 --> 00:18:51,050 Who booked that person? 389 00:18:51,051 --> 00:18:54,690 No! No, Roy! You can't just show me a picture and I say yes 390 00:18:54,691 --> 00:18:56,829 and then you don't tell me what she's about, Roy. 391 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:58,933 - Do your job, Roy. - Stay tuned for more of 392 00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:01,138 The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour. 393 00:19:01,139 --> 00:19:02,139 Brought to you by 394 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,408 milk at dinner. 395 00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,412 It's still the '60s, so wash down your dinner 396 00:19:05,413 --> 00:19:08,318 with a big glass of milk like a psychopath. 397 00:19:11,558 --> 00:19:14,431 Mr. Quagmire, Dr. Dentist Orson Welles 398 00:19:14,432 --> 00:19:15,599 will see you now. 399 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,973 My God, I played King Lear in the West End. 400 00:19:18,974 --> 00:19:21,779 Yeah, well I'd like to leer at her West End. 401 00:19:23,449 --> 00:19:25,619 Doctor, I brought... 402 00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:27,723 Hey, g-guys? Guys? Not this one, okay? 403 00:19:27,724 --> 00:19:29,693 This-this is my niece. This... She's in this sketch 404 00:19:29,694 --> 00:19:31,965 as a favor to my brother, all right? 405 00:19:31,966 --> 00:19:34,939 - Go ahead, Denise. - I brought the patient's bill. 406 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,844 Oh, my God. Can you imagine? 407 00:19:37,845 --> 00:19:40,416 This... Oh! This'll be so expensive! 408 00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:41,479 Oh, my go... 409 00:19:41,489 --> 00:19:43,087 - It just keeps going! 410 00:19:43,088 --> 00:19:44,252 - Have you ever... 411 00:19:44,262 --> 00:19:45,983 - Oh, it... it's just the craziest. 412 00:19:45,994 --> 00:19:47,864 Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is up. 413 00:19:47,865 --> 00:19:49,735 And not just our time for this episode. 414 00:19:49,736 --> 00:19:51,872 The entire 1960s have concluded, 415 00:19:51,873 --> 00:19:54,009 and the '70s will have no time for this. 416 00:19:54,010 --> 00:19:55,746 So, for now... 417 00:20:07,004 --> 00:20:09,239 These lights are very hot, ladies and gentlemen. 418 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,243 - Good night. - Thanks for watching 419 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,515 The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour. 420 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,517 Brought to you by 421 00:20:14,518 --> 00:20:16,187 Step-Son Beating Belts. 422 00:20:16,188 --> 00:20:18,893 He's not your son, but he'll do what you say, 423 00:20:18,894 --> 00:20:20,731 with Step-Son Beating Belts. 424 00:20:23,884 --> 00:20:26,909 Well, we've had a good time tonight, but as you can see, 425 00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:29,513 our bow ties are now undone and our shirt collars are open, 426 00:20:29,514 --> 00:20:31,885 which indicates the end of a long, crazy night. 427 00:20:31,886 --> 00:20:33,254 I said stop doing that. 428 00:20:33,255 --> 00:20:35,025 Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs. 429 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,496 And to any female fans who got direct responses 430 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,032 from me last night, I was hacked. 431 00:20:39,033 --> 00:20:41,538 We hope you enjoyed the show, and... 432 00:20:41,539 --> 00:20:43,743 What? Who could possibly be knocking 433 00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:45,814 at the Stewie Griffin Super-Fun Door? 434 00:20:45,815 --> 00:20:48,018 Oh, this better not be something crazy. 435 00:20:50,222 --> 00:20:51,691 What a delightful surprise. 436 00:20:51,692 --> 00:20:54,063 Oh, my goodness, they just keep coming and coming. 437 00:20:54,064 --> 00:20:56,368 Oh, there's so many of them. 438 00:20:56,369 --> 00:20:58,839 - Why, have you ever been so entertained? 439 00:21:02,598 --> 00:21:07,598 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -