Here at Family Guy, about every ten years or so,
we do an episode called "Viewer Mail,"
where we try out story ideas
that fans have submitted in the mail.
Lately, we've been getting a lot of DMs from fans
asking what mail is, and also suggesting story ideas.
Like this one from viewer Derek...
- It's usually dudes. - ... who writes,
"Didn't Chris used to wear an earring one time?
- Where'd it go?" - Well, Derek,
thank you for your question.
And, as it happens, we have an answer for you.
An answer in the form of three epic films
crammed into six minutes. Enjoy.
It all began in the land of Mordor,
forged in the fires of Spencer's Gifts,
Sauron created the One Earrig to rule them all.
What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs
that will someday cost Amazon Studios
two billion dollars,
just to get review-bombed by racists.
And also, this happened.
Call of Gardening: Modern Shrubbery. Begin.
Yeah. Awesome. I'm growing the crap out of this fruit.
- You have unlocked: Barley. - Sweet.
I'll share it with my neighbors 'cause hobbits are a friendly,
peaceful folk you can root for.
Also, the last people
who would ever go on an adventure, that's for sure.
Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.
It's a very heterosexual quest
with guys who call each other "my dear" a lot.
Where's your season one earring?
Hang on, Gandalf, I think I got it here somewhere.
Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.
- Mm... - But it's the hole
I was given at birth.
Just, uh... just get that earring, please.
The truth is my hole doesn't get many visitors.
Aah!
How we doing on that earring?
Here it is.
Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil talk at me,
and there's stuff on here about unlimited dark power.
Ah. Go pack your underthings while I practice saying,
"You shall not pass" in the mirror.
Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Council of Elrond,
a meeting that I called and then named after myself.
Cool. If there's one thing that's awesome to show
in a big action movie, it's meetings.
Where are we on the agenda, by the way?
And also, what's the Wi-Fi password?
Just use "rivendellpublic".
Okay, is that what-is that what you're on?
Don't worry about what I'm on. Use "rivendellpublic".
I feel like you're probably on a faster one.
Look, we're here because Frodo has the One Earring,
and it must be destroyed by returning it
from whence it came: Into the fires of Mount Doom.
Yeah, "rivendellpublic" is super slow, man.
Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo get there.
I think we're all in agreement
that one simply walks into Mordor.
But aren't there... I like that reference by the way...
aren't there giant eagles in Middle-earth?
Can't Gandalf just fly me to Mordor
- on a giant eagle? - Nah, you got to walk.
Hey, I like being part of this group, but I don't like
that you all put your backpacks on my lap.
I'm not a chair. I'm...
I'm kind of a chair.
Thanks for escorting me to Mordor, everyone.
You bet. And what's great is that,
since the soundtrack in these films is so forgettable,
we can basically run any movie music we want here.
Well, you're on your own from here.
What? Y... You're leaving, Viggo Mortensen?
Yeah, sorry, I got to go be in two more things
and then no more things.
I also have to leave,
but not to go check in with my parole officer,
if that's what you're wondering.
Yeah, and my beard kind of got caught in the spokes.
I think I have to unspool it all the way back
to where we started.
Ah, that's worse.
And I can only poop in my own apartment in Lothlórien.
Didn't know we were gonna be out this long.
Oh, hey, I can tag along
with you and the precious... I mea... I mean,
that earring that I don't have big feelings about
one way or the other.
Friggin' great. So, how do we get there?
Well, let's check the map.
This, um, this map is not very detailed.
Okay.
No, seriously. Why are there no roads?
And I guess these three wavy lines
are supposed to indicate a lake?
I mean, there's really no detail on here.
This is basically a child's menu.
Who would be helped by this?
Look, this is the map, okay? At least we know...
we go that way.
Why is they playing the theme from Stripeses, my precious?
It's just...
it's just a joke from earlier.
Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map.
All right, listen. I wanted to keep this a secret,
but I do know a shortcut into Mordor.
What? Where is it?
You just go through that tunnel.
See where it says "Giant Spider Hole"?
Is a giant spider in there?
No, th... that's just some kids messing around.
I'm this!
Aw, frick.
What the hell, man? You tried to get me killed.
That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more chances,
and then you can't be in my quest anymore.
There it is... Mount Doom.
Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there?
This valley's full of trolls and orcs
and... oh, God, Mork from Orks.
Ho, ho. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ho, ho. Gandalf the Gray, or Gandalf the Gay?
Hey, watch where you put
that staff, mister.
- Ho! Ho, ho. - Ho! Ho, ho.
I... I can't go on.
I'm exhausted from all the riffing.
Plus, he did a "gay" voice, and that's not okay anymore.
It's over, Gollum. We're not gonna make it.
We're all alone, and our path is blocked.
And I forgot to turn on my step counter
before we left the Shire. Perfect.
We could probably estimate it.
Oh, what, using the map?
All right, if you're gonna keep being like this,
I don't want to be your quest buddy.
Wait, look.
Where are all the Robin Williamses going?
I wonder if maybe there are some private school kids somewhere
not seizing the day.
Oh, Sauron, my Sauron! Ho, ho!
Okay, yeah, I think it's that.
Should I watch these hobbits,
who are probably coming to destroy me?
Uhp. Galadriel's showering.
We finally made it.
I know, and our faces and clothes are much dirtier
than when we started, so that means the journey
was lengthy and difficult.
Now we just got to throw the earring into the fire.
Oh, no. It's the one true Lord of the Earrings,
Harrison Ford.
Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire!
That's the last thing Sauron wants,
which is why he built a convenient land bridge
to the fire.
earring... off of my plane.
- What? - He's so stoned.
Aah!
It's done.
Hey, so, I kind of need to go die with the precious.
All I ask is that my death scene be accompanied
by a piece of very dramatic film score.
Welcome back. And big thanks
to all the viewers still sending us DMs.
Viewer Gayle K. writes, "Have y'all been to space?"
Okay, now that's a bit tone-deaf.
Viewer Ryan asks, "How did the Griffin family
get to Quahog in the first place?"
Funny story. The Griffins' pioneer ancestors
actually traveled to Quahog on the Oregon Trail,
the other way. Let's watch.
Good evening, and welcome to Channel Five News, Oregon.
Coming up: Moss, and lots of it.
But first, in summer trends,
there's an all-new race
to be unjustifiably prejudiced against,
and it's called "Chinese."
Man, Oregon sucks so bad.
For a state called the "Beaver State,"
this place is a sausage fest.
I'm with Pioneer Chris.
Having to pay for everything in otter pelts is a hassle.
Also, the Megs keep dying.
You. You're the inside Meg now.
The rest of you, come bury your sister very shallowly.
You know, I hear tell of a majestic territory
somewhere out yonder called "Quahog, Rhode Island."
Ooh, I've heard the same.
They say there's a whole small world out east,
with minimal land, just ripe for the taking.
Why, it's the American destiny, Manifest Retreat.
Aw, Oregon's not so bad, guys. What about the microbrews?
Silly beer. We're staying in Oregon.
And finally tonight, in sports,
hope is high for Oregon's premiere athlete,
- Steve Pre-Pre-Pre-Prefontaine. - We're leaving.
Ah, the journey begins.
And we've already lost a Meg to dysentery.
Please, just don't put the cause of death on my tombstone.
Nah, people need to know you died gross.
"Explosive" feels like
an unnecessary detail.
How's the Oregon Trail
going for everyone so far, huh?
Are we having a good Oregon Trail?
Let me know when you need snacks.
Brian, does this Stewie
- want to kill Lois? - Uh, I don't know.
Yeah, I-I'm not really sure what the rules are.
I think I'm just gonna kind of lay low until this one finishes.
Oh, no. We weren't counting on this river.
Is there some way around it?
I don't know. Maybe we could check the map.
Oh, yeah, let's check
- the very helpful map. - Chris.
Hey guys, while you've been bickering,
we lost another three Megs.
I mean, I guess we could use the dead Megs as a raft
and float across the river. I'm being facetious, of course.
I don't think we should use the Me...
We're lost! What are we gonna do?
Hey, I think Chris is starting to lose it.
He's over there hosting a Real Housewive reunion
with snowmen.
Okay, let her talk. We're gonna let her talk
and then we're gonna hear what you're trying to say.
We're in real trouble, guys.
If we don't find a way off this mountain, like, now,
we're gonna die up here.
All right, give me one second. I'm gonna go pray on this
'cause human brains are stupid back now.
God, it's me,
Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor.
My family is lost and we need your help.
Please send an angel who will deliver us
to safety in Rhode Island.
God, if you do this for us,
I promise to stop kicking over grave markers
I see on the side of the trail. Amen.
Peter, I...
Aah!
Oh, boy.
Okay, God, if you could just send one more angel.
Look, I'm putting the gun down.
And maybe he could come out in front of me,
where's it's not a surprise.
- Hey. - Hey, man.
Look, just be cool, all right?
I-I'm just gonna do a pioneer miracle
for you and your family, all right?
N-Nobody else needs to get hurt. Y-You already shot Jerry.
Aw, he had a name. Now I feel worse.
He-he didn't have a family, though, right?
- Angels don't have families? - L-Let's just do this.
There, that's Quahog, Rhode Island.
Sweet! Hey guys, come on!
I found Quahog all by myself.
Hi-ya! Ten points for Peter Griffin.
That puts Griffin at 620 points total,
a new Oregon Trail record.
Well, family, we made it,
and with just one Meg to spare.
Welcome home, everyone.
Peter, doesn't this house belong to someone else?
Not for long.
Hey, guys? You had 1,000 years to invent guns,
and you didn't, so... sorry.
I know, I know, this sucks, but all of America did this,
so it's not just me, so it's okay.
Ah. Terrific.
Let's never teach about that in our schools.
Oh, that's kind of a sad ending for Native Americans.
Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years,
what's left of the Doobie Brothers
is gonna play at their casino.
Well, it's good to finally be settled in New England.
- Yeah, but you better get going. - Why?
Because the only profession in 19th century New England
is being soaking wet on a whaling boat.
Hey, there's a whale.
That's not the one specific whale
that made me angry a few years back.
Ah, God. New England stinks until Tom Brady.
Welcome back. The DMs from viewers are still rolling in.
Javier writes, "Hey, guys, since The Cleveland Show
"was such a big success,
"I wonder if you've considered giving Quagmire
a show of his own."
Well, Javier, "big success"
might be overly-charitable,
but as it happens, Quagmire actually did
have his very own variety show back in the 1960s.
We've tracked down the only existing episode.
Let's check it out.
Hey, gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire,
and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour.
Let's open the show as we always do,
by totally ruining a current song.
Thanks, hon.
Keep 'em coming till the '70s get here.
Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?
The implication being that I've had so much to drink
I don't know where I am.
But no, I... I don't... I don't have a "prinking droblem"...
a drinking problem.
Oh, we got a great show for you tonight.
Now, stay tuned while I vamp
with this piece of on-set furniture,
and that somehow counts as entertainment.
Whoa! Whoa!
Have you ever seen such furniture? Hoo, boy!
- We are having a wild time tonight.
- Whoa!
Hey, won't somebody help me with this crazy couch?
You're watching The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour
with special guests Orson Welles,
Tiny Tex, the little person cowboy,
the Giggity Good Time Gals,
and the winner of the Man Booker Prize for Narrative Nonfiction,
Professor Sharon Feinblatt of Cornell University.
Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.
Thank God you can't google us yet.
Thanks, doll. This is almost it for me.
Just 18 more, okay?
'Cause I drink so much,
18 drinks feels like not that many drinks.
Stop saying the premise of the joke you just said.
Just tell the joke.
Uhp!
Somebody's at the Giggity Good Time Door.
I'm sure it's not something wild and outrageous.
What?
Oh, this is the last thing I expected to see.
Oh! Oh! They just keep coming.
Look at all this. Wow!
Oh, this is the wildest...
Hey. Frickin' easy, buddy.
Idiot. Oh, so many band people!
Noise equals fun.
- What could possibly be zanier?
We hope you're enjoying The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags.
We know you're frustrated, ladies.
Scream into this bag.
And now, here's Glenn
with the only reasonably attractive zookeeper
in the western hemisphere.
- Now, who's this guy? - This is Chloe.
She's seven years old, and don't worry,
she only panics around cigarette smoke and hair tonic.
Oh, boy.
This reminds me of my weekend at Lake George with Ava Gardner.
Go to break.
Take it away, Smokey the sock puppet.
The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour
will be back in just a minute. No ifs, ands, or butts.
And we're back with the lovely Dr. Sharon Feinblatt,
here to talk about her new book. Now, what is it, Sharon?
It's called Days of Disorder:
Weimar Germany and the Birth of Modernity.
Fascinating. Get up and give us a little spin, would you?
Uh, um... What?
Nah, I'm just joshing.
Please, go on while I bite my fist
in a caricature of sexual longing.
So, um, my book posits that,
on its own merits, Weimar Germany
was a fascinating laboratory of cultural innovation.
Great, and can you share some of the recipes from the book?
Uh, excuse me?
The-the joke being that, if a woman wrote a book
in these times, it's obviously a cookbook.
You're doing it again.
This was a mistake. I am leaving.
Yeah, and you should see a doctor about your sweating.
- It's a real problem. - Aw, come on.
You haven't even danced in the giant birdcage yet.
Please, uh, please give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand,
while I scream at an off-screen producer.
Who booked that person?
No! No, Roy! You can't just show me a picture and I say yes
and then you don't tell me what she's about, Roy.
- Do your job, Roy. - Stay tuned for more of
The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
milk at dinner.
It's still the '60s, so wash down your dinner
with a big glass of milk like a psychopath.
Mr. Quagmire, Dr. Dentist Orson Welles
will see you now.
My God, I played King Lear in the West End.
Yeah, well I'd like to leer at her West End.
Doctor, I brought...
Hey, g-guys? Guys? Not this one, okay?
This-this is my niece. This... She's in this sketch
as a favor to my brother, all right?
- Go ahead, Denise. - I brought the patient's bill.
Oh, my God. Can you imagine?
This... Oh! This'll be so expensive!
Oh, my go...
- It just keeps going!
- Have you ever...
- Oh, it... it's just the craziest.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is up.
And not just our time for this episode.
The entire 1960s have concluded,
and the '70s will have no time for this.
So, for now...
These lights are very hot, ladies and gentlemen.
- Good night. - Thanks for watching
The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
Step-Son Beating Belts.
He's not your son, but he'll do what you say,
with Step-Son Beating Belts.
Well, we've had a good time tonight, but as you can see,
our bow ties are now undone and our shirt collars are open,
which indicates the end of a long, crazy night.
I said stop doing that.
Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs.
And to any female fans who got direct responses
from me last night, I was hacked.
We hope you enjoyed the show, and...
What? Who could possibly be knocking
at the Stewie Griffin Super-Fun Door?
Oh, this better not be something crazy.
What a delightful surprise.
Oh, my goodness, they just keep coming and coming.
Oh, there's so many of them.
- Why, have you ever been so entertained?
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -