1 00:00:36,505 --> 00:00:38,508 Hey, did you think any more 2 00:00:38,509 --> 00:00:40,112 about how you want to celebrate your birthday? 3 00:00:40,113 --> 00:00:41,280 It's coming up quick. 4 00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:44,119 Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors-themed sleepover 5 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,622 could be fun. 6 00:00:45,623 --> 00:00:48,762 Why do you always like the worst version of everything? 7 00:00:48,763 --> 00:00:51,200 That is not true! Ooh, I'll be right back. 8 00:00:51,201 --> 00:00:53,705 I forgot I'm out of Tom's of West Virginia toothpaste. 9 00:00:53,706 --> 00:00:56,344 Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth. 10 00:00:56,345 --> 00:01:00,285 Uch, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort's got in here. 11 00:01:00,286 --> 00:01:02,890 One Musketeer. Bubble Yuck. 12 00:01:02,891 --> 00:01:03,960 Oy Henry! 13 00:01:03,961 --> 00:01:06,464 Almond Content But Not Quite Joy. 14 00:01:06,465 --> 00:01:07,867 Forget that, check this out. 15 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,803 I can tell you exactly which ailment 16 00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,507 each of these people in line has. 17 00:01:11,508 --> 00:01:12,810 What? How can you do that? 18 00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,714 It's a known fact dogs can smell 19 00:01:14,715 --> 00:01:17,119 all kinds of different medical conditions. Watch. 20 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,390 She has diabetes. 21 00:01:19,391 --> 00:01:20,592 He has migraines. 22 00:01:20,593 --> 00:01:23,064 And that guy's got, um... 23 00:01:23,065 --> 00:01:24,733 the... that thing. What-What's the thing 24 00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:26,337 that Magic Johnson has? 25 00:01:26,338 --> 00:01:27,673 - AIDS? - Yeah, that. 26 00:01:27,674 --> 00:01:29,210 You forgot about AIDS? 27 00:01:29,211 --> 00:01:30,947 It was never a dog thing! 28 00:01:35,302 --> 00:01:37,759 There's always one who shows up in their pajamas 29 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,265 'cause they don't wanna change in a strange house. 30 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:43,204 It's 4:00 o'clock, dear. You're gonna ruin those slippers 31 00:01:43,205 --> 00:01:44,384 walking from the car. 32 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:45,930 I don't care. 33 00:01:46,804 --> 00:01:49,117 You guys all know Patty, Ruth and Esther. 34 00:01:49,118 --> 00:01:51,620 And since we're a modern teenage friend group, 35 00:01:51,621 --> 00:01:53,491 here's our gender-neutral friend Devin. 36 00:01:53,492 --> 00:01:54,660 Lois, what's with that kid? 37 00:01:54,661 --> 00:01:57,032 Every piece of clothing's saying something different. 38 00:01:57,033 --> 00:02:00,005 Peter, be nice. You can't freak out like this. 39 00:02:00,006 --> 00:02:01,874 Don't worry, I can be subtle. 40 00:02:01,875 --> 00:02:03,878 What are you? Declare yourself! 41 00:02:03,879 --> 00:02:05,481 Why don't you just go to the garage 42 00:02:05,482 --> 00:02:06,884 and mutter while kicking stuff. 43 00:02:06,885 --> 00:02:09,657 Stupid world's passing me by. 44 00:02:09,658 --> 00:02:11,559 Everyone needs to be something. 45 00:02:11,570 --> 00:02:14,743 How does anything make sense if everybody's everything? 46 00:02:19,176 --> 00:02:21,313 Ew, Dad, what are you doing? 47 00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:23,357 Sorry, Meg, all dads are required 48 00:02:23,358 --> 00:02:25,561 to walk shirtless through any teen party 49 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,031 while they drink a canned beverage 50 00:02:27,032 --> 00:02:28,801 that was discontinued in the '90s. 51 00:02:28,802 --> 00:02:31,674 Sip of Surge, anyone? Devin, sip of Surge? 52 00:02:31,675 --> 00:02:32,843 Well, can you please leave? 53 00:02:32,844 --> 00:02:34,580 We're about to play Truth or Dare. 54 00:02:34,581 --> 00:02:36,416 "Truth or Dare"? Is that that game where 55 00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:37,685 you hide and go seek? 56 00:02:37,943 --> 00:02:41,193 No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty 57 00:02:41,312 --> 00:02:43,448 or do something crazy that people make up. 58 00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:45,419 I went with my version. 59 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:46,935 But how 'bout I play with you? 60 00:02:46,946 --> 00:02:48,414 Um, sure, Dad. 61 00:02:48,425 --> 00:02:50,461 I dare you to get the hell out of here. 62 00:02:50,472 --> 00:02:52,076 On it! 63 00:02:52,801 --> 00:02:55,039 Check it out, Lois! 64 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,951 I'm playing Truth or Dare with Meg! 65 00:02:56,962 --> 00:02:58,496 You're really not, Peter. 66 00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:01,418 But, hey, I'll play Truth or Dare with you. 67 00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:03,532 After all, we've never played together. 68 00:03:03,543 --> 00:03:05,814 Really? Okay, I pick "Dare." 69 00:03:05,884 --> 00:03:10,091 All right. Um, I dare you... 70 00:03:10,092 --> 00:03:11,760 oh... 71 00:03:11,761 --> 00:03:14,466 to lick the Swansons' mailbox! 72 00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:16,370 Watch me! 73 00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:24,887 Damn it, if he gets my TV Guide soggy, I'm gonna be furious. 74 00:03:24,888 --> 00:03:28,361 - You still get TV Guide? - There's still TV! 75 00:03:30,032 --> 00:03:32,235 - Okay, okay. Your turn. - All right. 76 00:03:32,236 --> 00:03:34,138 - Truth. - Okay, let's see. 77 00:03:34,139 --> 00:03:38,080 Um, how many men have you slept with in your lifetime? 78 00:03:38,081 --> 00:03:39,416 - Dare. - What? 79 00:03:39,417 --> 00:03:40,618 You can't just change. 80 00:03:40,619 --> 00:03:42,055 Peter, it's my right to choose 81 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,626 from the two options, and I choose dare. 82 00:03:44,627 --> 00:03:46,196 Ah, it's no big deal. I'll tell you my number. 83 00:03:46,197 --> 00:03:49,536 I'll admit, I was a bit of a Lothario back in my day. 84 00:03:49,537 --> 00:03:51,240 I slept with two whole women. 85 00:03:51,241 --> 00:03:53,844 Seven, if you count finishing during long hugs. 86 00:03:53,845 --> 00:03:56,149 - Peter, I'm not answering. - Come on, it's fine. 87 00:03:56,150 --> 00:03:58,287 Just say the number, keeping in mind that any number 88 00:03:58,288 --> 00:04:01,059 other than zero will send me into a ten-year spiral. 89 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,597 This conversation is over. I'm going to bed. 90 00:04:03,598 --> 00:04:07,238 No! Not till this is settled! I mean, now it's a safety issue! 91 00:04:07,239 --> 00:04:10,812 I gotta know if I need to wear this old-timey scuba helmet 92 00:04:10,813 --> 00:04:13,251 before I give you the Michael Douglas special. 93 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,693 Somebody grab the Ouija board. 94 00:04:17,694 --> 00:04:19,529 I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost 95 00:04:19,530 --> 00:04:21,100 if he really killed himself. 96 00:04:21,101 --> 00:04:23,270 Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy 97 00:04:23,271 --> 00:04:25,108 in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper? 98 00:04:25,109 --> 00:04:27,345 Headline reads: "Chewy Defeats Chewman"? 99 00:04:27,346 --> 00:04:30,811 No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross toy. Please leave. 100 00:04:30,822 --> 00:04:32,257 Fine. 101 00:04:35,354 --> 00:04:38,100 Not gonna leave completely empty-handed. 102 00:04:38,101 --> 00:04:40,672 You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein 103 00:04:40,673 --> 00:04:41,975 is coming through! 104 00:04:41,976 --> 00:04:47,285 Hey... how old... are you... 105 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:48,554 ladies? 106 00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:50,191 It's him! 107 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,140 Mm, yeah, that's good chewing. 108 00:04:58,141 --> 00:05:01,309 And this, Emma, is where the magic ha... 109 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,890 I thought you lived alone. 110 00:05:03,852 --> 00:05:06,490 Nice going, Brian. Do you know how hard it was to go from 111 00:05:06,491 --> 00:05:08,861 being duct-taped to my seat to bringing her home? 112 00:05:08,862 --> 00:05:09,863 What are you even doing? 113 00:05:09,864 --> 00:05:12,102 Kinda just chewing and sniffing Patty's bra. 114 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,739 - Uch, creepy. - It's not creepy. I'm a dog. 115 00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:16,743 If I don't chew something every 40 minutes, 116 00:05:16,744 --> 00:05:18,847 I go frickin' crazy. 117 00:05:18,848 --> 00:05:21,453 - Oh, my God. That's not good. - What? 118 00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:24,593 I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty's bra. 119 00:05:24,594 --> 00:05:26,763 I think Patty may have breast cancer. 120 00:05:26,764 --> 00:05:28,634 What? First Celine Dion 121 00:05:28,635 --> 00:05:31,240 gets stiff person syndrome and now this? 122 00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:32,642 It's so damn unfair! 123 00:05:32,643 --> 00:05:34,045 - All right, calm down. - No, Brian! 124 00:05:34,046 --> 00:05:36,416 I'm still processing stiff person syndrome, 125 00:05:36,417 --> 00:05:38,420 which is definitely a real thing and not a way 126 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,525 of getting out of Vegas shows that your agent-husband 127 00:05:40,526 --> 00:05:41,660 roped you into. 128 00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:42,728 I think we're getting off-track. 129 00:05:42,729 --> 00:05:43,731 Maybe. 130 00:05:43,732 --> 00:05:45,501 But if Patty has breast cancer, 131 00:05:45,502 --> 00:05:46,870 you have to tell Meg right away. 132 00:05:46,871 --> 00:05:49,008 I can't do that. Then she'll know I took the bra. 133 00:05:49,009 --> 00:05:50,744 You need to tell her, Brian, 134 00:05:50,745 --> 00:05:52,415 even though it's hard to break bad news. 135 00:05:52,416 --> 00:05:55,822 And I should know, I used to be a department store spokesperson. 136 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:59,362 As of today, Macy's is closing 100 of its stores. 137 00:05:59,363 --> 00:06:01,200 So, to be clear, that's a hundred places 138 00:06:01,201 --> 00:06:03,905 you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a day's notice. 139 00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,341 Everyone is going to have to start 140 00:06:05,342 --> 00:06:07,846 thinking about their funerals at least two days before. 141 00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:09,316 But where else can shoppers get 142 00:06:09,317 --> 00:06:11,319 nice watches that aren't actually nice? 143 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,223 Or take a dump in the mall without having 144 00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:15,094 - to buy something? - Well, I suppose those will 145 00:06:15,095 --> 00:06:16,830 both have to be done at Nordstrom. 146 00:06:16,831 --> 00:06:19,169 After all, Nordstrom is a thriving business that... 147 00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:21,473 Sir, from Nordstrom corporate. 148 00:06:21,474 --> 00:06:25,281 Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of a day. 149 00:06:29,109 --> 00:06:31,612 Uh, hey, Meg. How was the sleepover? 150 00:06:31,962 --> 00:06:34,398 Good. The Ouija board really came to life. 151 00:06:34,399 --> 00:06:37,372 Some guy named René said to stop making fun of his wife 152 00:06:37,373 --> 00:06:39,643 and that stiff person syndrome is a real thing. 153 00:06:39,644 --> 00:06:42,681 Listen, there's something important I need to tell you. 154 00:06:42,919 --> 00:06:46,958 Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew and sniff and... 155 00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:48,962 I think Patty may have breast cancer. 156 00:06:48,963 --> 00:06:50,331 Oh, my God. 157 00:06:50,332 --> 00:06:51,566 Oh, I've got to call her right away. 158 00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:55,708 I mean, she's... Wait a minute, Patty left here fully dressed. 159 00:06:55,709 --> 00:06:58,413 Let-let me see that bra. Do you have it? 160 00:06:58,414 --> 00:07:01,987 Brian... that's my bra. 161 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:04,459 Ah, cool. We taking our bras off? 162 00:07:05,997 --> 00:07:08,133 The girls are out to play. 163 00:07:08,134 --> 00:07:11,340 Welp, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ. 164 00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:13,744 They don't open till 11:00 165 00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:15,548 and the Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside. 166 00:07:22,596 --> 00:07:24,232 Look, I know this must be stressful. 167 00:07:24,233 --> 00:07:25,701 You sure you don't want to tell Lois 168 00:07:25,702 --> 00:07:27,005 about the breast cancer? 169 00:07:27,006 --> 00:07:29,276 No, I don't want to worry her until I know for sure. 170 00:07:29,277 --> 00:07:31,146 Well, what about telling Peter? 171 00:07:31,147 --> 00:07:33,450 I actually tried, but he was super distracted 172 00:07:33,451 --> 00:07:35,788 'cause he got one of those dollies that mechanics use 173 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,058 to slide under cars. 174 00:07:37,059 --> 00:07:39,129 Dad, there's something important I need... 175 00:07:39,130 --> 00:07:42,035 What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de-boogeymanning the bed. 176 00:07:42,036 --> 00:07:44,072 Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon! 177 00:07:44,073 --> 00:07:46,877 - They don't like cinnamon. - I'm not sure that's gonna work. 178 00:07:46,878 --> 00:07:48,581 Well, that's a very vertical opinion. 179 00:07:48,582 --> 00:07:51,887 I've seen Monsters Inc. and Monsters University. 180 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,625 I think I know what I'm doing. 181 00:07:54,427 --> 00:07:56,629 Siri, what's another word for "jugs"? 182 00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:57,865 Breasts. 183 00:07:57,866 --> 00:08:00,304 I understand you may have "breasts cancer." 184 00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:02,341 Well, that's what we wanna find out. 185 00:08:02,342 --> 00:08:04,379 Hmm, but you seem young and healthy. 186 00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:05,514 What brought you in? 187 00:08:05,515 --> 00:08:07,886 My dog smelled cancer on my bra. 188 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,288 Oh, a dog smelled it? 189 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,324 They're, like, never wrong. 190 00:08:10,325 --> 00:08:12,662 We've actually got three of 'em on staff here. 191 00:08:12,663 --> 00:08:14,566 This guy graduated from Muttgers. 192 00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:16,069 This one from UC Barkley. 193 00:08:16,070 --> 00:08:18,073 And she went to Bitch-igan State. 194 00:08:18,074 --> 00:08:20,378 I'm kidding, they all went to Texas Christian, 195 00:08:20,379 --> 00:08:21,948 but they're... they're smart, they're good. 196 00:08:21,949 --> 00:08:23,517 "Grr-due" is another one, 197 00:08:23,518 --> 00:08:24,786 but what's Meg's prognosis? 198 00:08:24,787 --> 00:08:26,156 We'll wait for her test results 199 00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,761 as a formality, but if a dog smelled cancer on her, 200 00:08:28,762 --> 00:08:30,197 I'm not optimistic. 201 00:08:30,198 --> 00:08:32,034 Meg, if you have anything on your bucket list, 202 00:08:32,035 --> 00:08:33,237 this could be the time. 203 00:08:33,238 --> 00:08:35,341 Are you saying I'm dying? 204 00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:38,047 Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the room? 205 00:08:38,048 --> 00:08:39,950 Diarrhea is always an excellent 206 00:08:39,951 --> 00:08:41,220 excuse to leave any room. 207 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:44,426 Uhp, please excuse me. My phone has diarrhea. 208 00:08:48,535 --> 00:08:49,970 You guys are not gonna believe this. 209 00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:51,984 Lois and I played Truth or Dare the other night, 210 00:08:51,995 --> 00:08:54,232 but when I asked her how many guys she's had sex with, 211 00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:55,999 she wouldn't answer! I gotta know! 212 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:57,051 It's driving me crazy! 213 00:08:57,052 --> 00:08:59,823 Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one man, 214 00:08:59,824 --> 00:09:01,059 and you're looking at him. 215 00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,294 You sure about that? 216 00:09:02,295 --> 00:09:05,134 Yeah, she got chlamydia from a toilet seat, we talked about it. 217 00:09:05,135 --> 00:09:07,572 Then the toilet seat sent her flowers 'cause it felt bad. 218 00:09:07,573 --> 00:09:09,275 Open-and-shut case. 219 00:09:14,981 --> 00:09:18,260 So... is a cancer diagnosis a "radio on" 220 00:09:18,261 --> 00:09:20,231 or "radio off" situation? 221 00:09:20,232 --> 00:09:21,526 You can turn it on. 222 00:09:25,275 --> 00:09:26,877 Maybe we'll just go without. 223 00:09:26,878 --> 00:09:28,280 You know, part of me is like, 224 00:09:28,281 --> 00:09:30,118 I should probably tell Mom and Dad about this, 225 00:09:30,119 --> 00:09:32,555 but another part of me is like, why bother? 226 00:09:32,556 --> 00:09:35,862 I mean, no one in this family even cares about me, anyway. 227 00:09:35,863 --> 00:09:37,398 Come on, I'm here for you, Meg. 228 00:09:37,399 --> 00:09:38,867 We just gotta come up with some way 229 00:09:38,868 --> 00:09:40,037 to get your mind off this. 230 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,640 Maybe Dr. Hartman was right. 231 00:09:41,641 --> 00:09:43,377 Is there a bucket list item you've always 232 00:09:43,378 --> 00:09:45,514 wanted to do, but you never had the chance? 233 00:09:45,515 --> 00:09:47,886 - I don't know. - Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit. 234 00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,288 No dream is too big. 235 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,427 - Anything? - Anything. 236 00:09:51,428 --> 00:09:56,036 Well, I've always wanted to pig out on Garbage Can Nachos 237 00:09:56,037 --> 00:09:58,307 at Chaz Inferno's restaurant in Orlando. 238 00:09:58,308 --> 00:10:02,415 Th... that's it? Yeah, we... we can do that. 239 00:10:02,416 --> 00:10:04,419 Really? Would we need to contact Make-A-Wish? 240 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:06,523 Like, how would we even do that? 241 00:10:06,524 --> 00:10:08,627 I think just go there and order them. 242 00:10:08,628 --> 00:10:10,597 Well, can we go right now? 243 00:10:10,598 --> 00:10:12,903 Absolutely. Let's do it. 244 00:10:42,897 --> 00:10:45,634 Look at that: Atlanta, 20 miles. 245 00:10:45,635 --> 00:10:46,827 You know... 246 00:10:46,838 --> 00:10:49,675 they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world. 247 00:10:49,676 --> 00:10:51,713 - Okay. - They say NBA players 248 00:10:51,714 --> 00:10:53,918 fly in from all over to go to these clubs. 249 00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,087 And they can go anywhere. 250 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,224 Like, Shaquille O'Neal goes to these clubs. 251 00:10:57,225 --> 00:10:59,061 It's been documented in court filings. 252 00:10:59,062 --> 00:11:00,064 And if I'm not mistaken, 253 00:11:00,164 --> 00:11:02,502 the Raptors are in town playing the Hawks tonight. 254 00:11:02,503 --> 00:11:04,272 See, Brian? You're the only one 255 00:11:04,273 --> 00:11:06,476 who ever pays attention to what I care about. 256 00:11:06,477 --> 00:11:07,779 Let's do it! 257 00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:10,218 Plus, you've got cancer, so you can eat whatever you want. 258 00:11:10,219 --> 00:11:11,619 We don't even have to look at the strippers. 259 00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,490 They got big trays of ziti in there. 260 00:11:19,770 --> 00:11:22,241 I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine 261 00:11:22,242 --> 00:11:23,811 so I can support the strippers. 262 00:11:25,148 --> 00:11:26,884 Ow! What are you doing? 263 00:11:26,885 --> 00:11:28,888 Come on, I'm making it hail! 264 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,428 Damn it! Knock it off... Hey, that one's a bicentennial! 265 00:11:32,429 --> 00:11:34,700 What? I-I'm gonna need that back. 266 00:11:38,616 --> 00:11:40,177 Where-Where's Meg and Brian? 267 00:11:40,178 --> 00:11:42,548 I don't know, but he just posted a close-up photo 268 00:11:42,549 --> 00:11:44,519 of a big tray of strip club ziti. 269 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,391 And he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they're fine. 270 00:11:47,392 --> 00:11:50,297 Okay, good, they're eating, then we don't have to wait. 271 00:11:50,298 --> 00:11:54,139 Chris, can you please pass the peas and ask your mother 272 00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:56,709 how many peas she's had in her mouth? 273 00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:58,147 Peter, that's enough. 274 00:11:58,148 --> 00:12:00,117 Chris, can you also ask your mother 275 00:12:00,118 --> 00:12:01,720 to pass the chicken and then ask her if 276 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,657 the number of people she's slept with is more 277 00:12:03,658 --> 00:12:05,861 or less than the number of herbs and spices 278 00:12:05,862 --> 00:12:07,332 in the Colonel's secret recipe? 279 00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:09,469 Slow down, I can't keep track of all 280 00:12:09,470 --> 00:12:10,738 the foods you want passed! 281 00:12:10,739 --> 00:12:13,244 Chris. Chris. He's just doing a bit. 282 00:12:17,018 --> 00:12:18,320 Okay, this is us. 283 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,057 Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place. 284 00:12:20,058 --> 00:12:21,560 Are you kidding? 285 00:12:21,561 --> 00:12:24,299 I recognize the guy who checked us in from Intervention! 286 00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:27,205 Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee pot, 287 00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:29,042 so I'm gonna go see if I can swap that out. 288 00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:32,081 Hello? Dr. Hartman? 289 00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:34,418 Hi, Meg, you're gonna hear things in the background 290 00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:37,191 of this call that make you think I'm at a Dave & Buster's. 291 00:12:37,192 --> 00:12:39,829 I assure you, I am not at a Dave & Buster'. 292 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,337 - What a shot! - We're doing COVID boosters. 293 00:12:43,338 --> 00:12:45,040 Are you calling with my test results? 294 00:12:45,041 --> 00:12:46,343 Oh, yes. Yes, I am. 295 00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:47,712 Long distance! 296 00:12:47,713 --> 00:12:49,884 Ignore that. That's just a medical device. 297 00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:51,955 Oh, my God, do I have cancer? 298 00:12:51,956 --> 00:12:53,323 - Yes! - Oh, no! 299 00:12:53,324 --> 00:12:55,194 - Sorry, what? - I have cancer? 300 00:12:55,195 --> 00:12:56,362 Oh, no. No cancer. 301 00:12:56,363 --> 00:12:58,066 Your tests all came back negative. 302 00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:00,071 Oh, thank God. What a relief. 303 00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:01,706 Do you not have any paper menus? 304 00:13:01,707 --> 00:13:03,043 It's only a QR code? 305 00:13:03,044 --> 00:13:04,913 Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman. 306 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,215 Yeah, yeah, mazel tov. 307 00:13:06,216 --> 00:13:07,818 I just want mozzarella sticks. 308 00:13:07,819 --> 00:13:09,556 Why are you making this so hard? 309 00:13:10,492 --> 00:13:12,361 Brian, I have great news to tell you. 310 00:13:12,362 --> 00:13:13,763 Perfect. Thanks again. 311 00:13:13,764 --> 00:13:16,035 I actually have great news, too, Meg. 312 00:13:16,036 --> 00:13:19,809 Get this: I managed to get your story to Chaz Inferno himself. 313 00:13:19,810 --> 00:13:21,880 And not only is he going to personally make you 314 00:13:21,881 --> 00:13:24,318 Garbage Can Nachos, he's also giving us 315 00:13:24,319 --> 00:13:28,060 a $35 dine-in credit, and he's going to cut your hair 316 00:13:28,061 --> 00:13:29,862 and frost your tips, table-side. 317 00:13:29,863 --> 00:13:31,533 What? That's amazing! 318 00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:34,973 - And what's your good news? - Oh, um... 319 00:13:34,974 --> 00:13:36,710 Brian, look at this plaque! 320 00:13:36,711 --> 00:13:38,346 It's a historic room. 321 00:13:38,347 --> 00:13:40,651 Someone from Girls Gone Wild died in here! 322 00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:42,890 Oh, I remember her. She didn't wanna go wild, 323 00:13:42,891 --> 00:13:44,994 but then her friend told her to so she did. 324 00:13:44,995 --> 00:13:46,663 - Whoa. - Yeah. 325 00:13:46,664 --> 00:13:48,367 She's still in Rob Schneider's phone. 326 00:13:59,137 --> 00:14:01,826 Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg! 327 00:14:01,827 --> 00:14:04,165 Don't know if they told you up front, but in here 328 00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:06,269 you're not allowed to not wear Oakleys 329 00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:08,407 - on the back of your head. - Sweet. 330 00:14:08,408 --> 00:14:10,844 I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet 331 00:14:10,845 --> 00:14:13,150 a man who's never driven a car with a roof. 332 00:14:13,151 --> 00:14:15,321 Before we make these nachos, how 'bout we 333 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,691 cut that hair and frost those tips? 334 00:14:17,692 --> 00:14:20,966 - Whoa, your hair is so hard. - Thank you. 335 00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:24,172 And it's superhot I can't tell if you're 30 or 60. 336 00:14:24,173 --> 00:14:25,608 Oh, good thing we're doing this first, 337 00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:27,544 so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos. 338 00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:29,315 Eh, there's tons in there already. 339 00:14:29,316 --> 00:14:30,886 Oh, right on. 340 00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:36,463 All right, Lois, we're just gonna do this one-by-one. 341 00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:39,068 Did you sleep with Arthur Aaronson? 342 00:14:39,069 --> 00:14:40,471 Peter, come on. 343 00:14:40,472 --> 00:14:43,176 Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control? 344 00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:44,946 I thought we were past this. 345 00:14:44,947 --> 00:14:46,984 You still gotta finish our Truth or Dare game. 346 00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:49,756 I licked Joe's mailbox, but you never took your turn. 347 00:14:49,757 --> 00:14:52,595 Okay, fine, I'll finish the game. 348 00:14:52,596 --> 00:14:54,332 But I'm only doing a dare. 349 00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:56,069 Okay, dare, huh? 350 00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:58,206 Then I dare you to rollerblade off 351 00:14:58,207 --> 00:15:00,211 the Swansons' roof and into their pool. 352 00:15:00,212 --> 00:15:01,948 And that'll finally shut you up? 353 00:15:01,949 --> 00:15:03,150 Yep. 354 00:15:07,459 --> 00:15:11,600 Oh, God, it's higher up here than it looks. 355 00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:13,905 You chose dare. This is the dare. 356 00:15:13,906 --> 00:15:17,245 Peter, stop doing Truth or Dare stuff to my house! 357 00:15:17,246 --> 00:15:19,048 This doesn't concern you, Joe. 358 00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:20,617 I feel very unsafe. 359 00:15:20,618 --> 00:15:23,089 That's it, I'm calling the cops. 360 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:26,863 Hello? There's a woman on my roof. 361 00:15:26,864 --> 00:15:28,634 Sir, I can't really help you right now. 362 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,973 I'm dealing with someone on my own roof. 363 00:15:32,108 --> 00:15:33,711 I'm going, Peter! 364 00:15:38,321 --> 00:15:39,890 - Ah! - Oh, my God! 365 00:15:39,891 --> 00:15:43,464 Ah, damn it! Oh! It hurts so much! Oh, God! 366 00:15:43,465 --> 00:15:46,570 Oh, your leg hurts? What's that like? 367 00:15:49,176 --> 00:15:52,950 Well, we almost polished off those Garbage Can Nachos. 368 00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:54,953 - Dirt? - Mm, no, thanks. 369 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,356 I'll have a little dirt. 370 00:15:58,794 --> 00:16:00,664 Uhp, feels like those nachos are making 371 00:16:00,665 --> 00:16:03,537 a run for the border. I better hit the bathroom, stat. 372 00:16:03,538 --> 00:16:05,774 Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food? 373 00:16:05,775 --> 00:16:08,246 Definitely. Nachos travel great. 374 00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:15,561 Hello? Dr. Hartman? It's Brian. 375 00:16:15,562 --> 00:16:17,298 Are you calling with Meg's test results? 376 00:16:17,299 --> 00:16:19,268 What? No. I told Meg yesterday 377 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:20,538 her results were negative. 378 00:16:20,539 --> 00:16:22,274 I was just calling to see why she hasn't 379 00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:23,643 given me a Yelp review yet. 380 00:16:23,644 --> 00:16:25,647 - Yesterday? - Oh, and can you do me a favor 381 00:16:25,648 --> 00:16:27,953 and put my name in Meg's phone as "The Hammer"? 382 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:30,424 - I'm trying to get that goin. - No, I'm not doing that. 383 00:16:30,425 --> 00:16:32,028 Okay, Hammer out! 384 00:16:33,390 --> 00:16:35,460 Why wouldn't Meg have told me? 385 00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:42,347 Meg? It's Brian. Is there something you wanna tell me? 386 00:16:43,952 --> 00:16:48,259 Yeah. There's an adult changing station in here. 387 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:51,066 And the weight limit is 500 pounds. 388 00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,602 I just talked to Dr. Hartman. 389 00:16:52,603 --> 00:16:53,938 Oh, "The Hammer"? 390 00:16:53,939 --> 00:16:55,574 He's gonna be psyched you said that, 391 00:16:55,575 --> 00:16:57,345 but he told me he called you yesterday 392 00:16:57,346 --> 00:16:58,948 with your negative test results! 393 00:16:58,949 --> 00:17:01,018 Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away 394 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:03,690 from being able to have this conversation. 395 00:17:03,691 --> 00:17:05,027 Meg, you lied to me! 396 00:17:05,028 --> 00:17:06,730 I was super worried and I thought you 397 00:17:06,731 --> 00:17:08,466 were gonna die, and you took advantage of me! 398 00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:10,571 Why would you do that? 399 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:13,610 I... I guess I just saw a chance to live out 400 00:17:13,611 --> 00:17:16,549 one of my dreams and realized it might never happen again. 401 00:17:16,550 --> 00:17:19,122 I can't believe how selfish that is! You know what? 402 00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:21,726 As far as I'm concerned, you can find your own ride home! 403 00:17:21,727 --> 00:17:24,732 - Are you the one in the Prius? - Yes. Why? 404 00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:26,469 Yeah, a few of the other patrons did 405 00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:28,373 some terrible things to your car. 406 00:17:28,374 --> 00:17:29,943 You're not Jewish, are you? 407 00:17:29,944 --> 00:17:31,112 - No. - Okay, 408 00:17:31,113 --> 00:17:32,950 then they got some of it wrong. 409 00:17:38,878 --> 00:17:40,547 Oh, Lois! You're awake. 410 00:17:40,765 --> 00:17:42,801 By the way, this lighting makes you look old. 411 00:17:42,802 --> 00:17:45,340 Did... did I break my leg? 412 00:17:45,341 --> 00:17:47,044 Yes. And it's all my fault. 413 00:17:47,045 --> 00:17:49,081 I should never have hounded you so much. 414 00:17:49,082 --> 00:17:52,487 Lois, we've logged a lot of miles together. 415 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,260 We've raised a family, and you're my life partner. 416 00:17:55,261 --> 00:17:57,999 I don't need to know how many guys you've been with. 417 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,041 The fact is, I love you more than any number. 418 00:18:02,042 --> 00:18:05,046 It's okay, Peter, I want to tell you. 419 00:18:05,047 --> 00:18:07,651 I don't want any secrets between us. 420 00:18:07,652 --> 00:18:10,691 - The number is 60. - Whoa. 421 00:18:10,692 --> 00:18:13,563 Okay, little higher than what I thought it'd be, 422 00:18:13,564 --> 00:18:15,801 but I guess 16 ain't so bad. 423 00:18:15,802 --> 00:18:18,575 No, no, Peter. 60. Six-zero. 424 00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:24,652 - We've got a Code Orange! - What's that? 425 00:18:24,653 --> 00:18:26,189 It's when a husband finds out his wife 426 00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:28,359 has slept with way more guys than he thought. 427 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,197 - She's a 60. - Holy crap! 428 00:18:30,198 --> 00:18:32,802 That's like all the presidents for 250 years, 429 00:18:32,803 --> 00:18:34,940 plus a softball team and a half. 430 00:18:34,941 --> 00:18:38,231 I'm sure glad they covered this at Texas Christian. 431 00:18:58,687 --> 00:19:01,392 - How'd you get ahead of me? - A trucker picked me up. 432 00:19:01,393 --> 00:19:03,363 He asked for "ass, gas or grass," 433 00:19:03,364 --> 00:19:06,536 so I gave him ass gas, and he got mad and tossed me. 434 00:19:06,537 --> 00:19:09,174 This is why I always say commas matter. 435 00:19:09,175 --> 00:19:10,946 Get in. 436 00:19:11,847 --> 00:19:13,850 I still can't believe you lied about cancer 437 00:19:13,851 --> 00:19:16,089 just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant. 438 00:19:16,090 --> 00:19:17,959 What? What are you talking about? 439 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,029 Brian, when I said "one of my dreams," 440 00:19:20,030 --> 00:19:22,903 I wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's. 441 00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:25,774 I was talking about, for the first time ever, 442 00:19:25,775 --> 00:19:29,415 actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't 443 00:19:29,416 --> 00:19:31,586 mocking me, or farting in my face, 444 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,623 or telling me I'm ugly. 445 00:19:33,624 --> 00:19:35,895 I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this 446 00:19:35,896 --> 00:19:39,334 amazing trip we've been having to last a little longer. 447 00:19:39,335 --> 00:19:41,005 You know what? 448 00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:43,476 I've had a really good time with you, too, Meg. 449 00:19:43,477 --> 00:19:45,147 And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said 450 00:19:45,148 --> 00:19:48,152 I might die, all I could think about was spending the rest of 451 00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:51,359 my life with someone who really loves and cares about me. 452 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,862 And that was you. 453 00:19:52,863 --> 00:19:55,367 Of course, Meg. We're family. 454 00:20:00,178 --> 00:20:03,283 But, wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer? 455 00:20:03,284 --> 00:20:05,754 Yeah, you know, I was thinking about that. 456 00:20:05,755 --> 00:20:08,493 Maybe because I buy all my undergarments at thrift stores. 457 00:20:08,494 --> 00:20:10,731 Ew. Bro, you gotta wash them jawns. 458 00:20:10,732 --> 00:20:13,136 Hey, is that... is that Peter at the Dairy Queen? 459 00:20:13,137 --> 00:20:14,372 It is! 460 00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:17,778 Dad, what are you doing? 461 00:20:17,779 --> 00:20:21,352 I Blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida! 462 00:20:21,612 --> 00:20:24,518 I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had 60 men! 463 00:20:30,071 --> 00:20:32,575 We now return to 60 Minutes. 464 00:20:32,576 --> 00:20:34,711 I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 465 00:20:34,712 --> 00:20:38,153 - from this house. - Are you still upset about this? 466 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,523 I told you one of 'em was just so I could get 467 00:20:40,524 --> 00:20:42,027 cast in Shakespeare in Love. 468 00:20:42,028 --> 00:20:45,033 - That doesn't help. - Well, what if I said you were 469 00:20:45,034 --> 00:20:46,703 bigger than all of them, huh? 470 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,807 - Would that help? - Actually, yes. 471 00:20:48,808 --> 00:20:51,246 Lois, Truth or Dare: Of all the guys 472 00:20:51,247 --> 00:20:53,383 you've been with, am I the biggest? 473 00:20:53,384 --> 00:20:55,020 Definitely, Peter. 474 00:20:59,479 --> 00:21:01,182 Just lie. 475 00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,230 It's not that big a deal. 476 00:21:03,618 --> 00:21:08,618 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -