1 00:00:35,787 --> 00:00:37,080 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, 2 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,916 reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse, 3 00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:41,334 formerly the Bitcoin Center, 4 00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:44,837 formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion, 5 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:47,048 formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall, 6 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,634 formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium. 7 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,511 Yep, lot of history here, folks. 8 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,805 But this beloved landmark was about to close 9 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,057 until a local woman without a job, 10 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,601 who calls herself a "community activist," 11 00:00:58,685 --> 00:01:01,437 decided to mount three plays to try to save it. 12 00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:06,234 Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I am a community activist. 13 00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:08,361 Tonight, we'll be performing three plays 14 00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:10,195 to save this local treasure that 15 00:01:10,205 --> 00:01:12,198 none of us supported while it was open. 16 00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:15,201 But we can't let our fear of COVID shutter another business. 17 00:01:16,411 --> 00:01:18,871 Oh, crap, everybody out! This isn't worth it! 18 00:01:18,955 --> 00:01:21,874 It's not COVID. I have black lung! 19 00:01:21,958 --> 00:01:23,788 Oh, thank God. I thought it was something 20 00:01:23,798 --> 00:01:25,378 that could affect the rest of us. 21 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:28,398 So, without further ado, please enjoy 22 00:01:28,408 --> 00:01:30,800 our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird. 23 00:01:30,883 --> 00:01:33,553 A searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that, 24 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,638 from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin, 25 00:01:35,722 --> 00:01:39,892 no Black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not once! 26 00:01:39,976 --> 00:01:42,520 Okay, let's do this! Places, everybody. 27 00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:46,149 As they say in the theater, break an L-3 vertebra! 28 00:01:46,232 --> 00:01:49,777 I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume. 29 00:01:49,861 --> 00:01:51,821 And listen, I don't wanna make anybody nervous, 30 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:53,990 but I just found out an agent is here. 31 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:55,900 From Allstate. We play this right, 32 00:01:55,910 --> 00:01:57,785 we're all gonna get earthquake coverage. 33 00:02:01,873 --> 00:02:06,586 Ah, the 1930s, when the South was 90 percent porch. 34 00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:09,756 - Mail for Fatticus Inch! - Ah, yes, thank you. 35 00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:12,216 Boy, I'm really schvitzin' in this heat. 36 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,761 Uh, okay. That'll be all, mailman. 37 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:18,306 Screw you, putz! My pharmacy is sponsoring this play. 38 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:22,727 Anyone who claps for me gets their Oxycontin prescription refilled, 39 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,520 no questions asked. 40 00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,858 - Not you two. - Aww. 41 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:32,654 The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into Gods. 42 00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:34,447 Dad, some of the kids at school said 43 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,949 you're defending a Black man accused by a white woman. 44 00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:38,034 That's right, Scout. 45 00:02:38,045 --> 00:02:40,881 Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel. 46 00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:42,789 And they also said one time in court, 47 00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,332 you sat on your balls and fainted. 48 00:02:44,415 --> 00:02:47,293 Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that. 49 00:02:47,377 --> 00:02:49,837 Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother, Jem? 50 00:02:49,921 --> 00:02:52,840 Here I am, Pop! Uh, everybody's already on their phones. 51 00:02:52,924 --> 00:02:55,510 I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off. 52 00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:59,097 Oh, God, I do have to take this. 53 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,849 Patti, hi! No, I can talk. 54 00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:04,644 Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy. 55 00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,105 Yeah, it was left for me in a tree by Poo Badley. 56 00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:11,484 Ah, Poo Badley. A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s. 57 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,946 He seems like someone I wanna leave you alone with later in the play. 58 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:17,448 All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene. 59 00:03:21,494 --> 00:03:23,454 Fun fact, that's the same tree 60 00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:26,791 from the Wizard of Oz that the munchkin used to hang himself. 61 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,626 What part of that is fun? 62 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,086 Munchkin. 63 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:36,134 That Black man violated me and besmirched my virtue. 64 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,760 Cleveland, how could you? 65 00:03:37,844 --> 00:03:39,804 You're supposed to be on my side! 66 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,722 And my character's name is Tom! 67 00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:44,392 Can't believe I missed a Rob Base concert for this. 68 00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:46,227 And I'm his biggest fan. 69 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:49,897 Hey, yo Quahog, how many does it take to make a thing go right? 70 00:03:49,981 --> 00:03:52,150 Hey, wait, where's Cleveland? 71 00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:54,318 Fatticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor. 72 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:55,611 Now, if I may begin. 73 00:03:55,695 --> 00:03:57,321 Hello to the all-white jury, 74 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,614 the all-white gallery, 75 00:03:58,698 --> 00:04:01,117 and the very rickety segregated balcony. 76 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,286 Are you sure this balcony is safe? 77 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,579 Of course you're safe! 78 00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:06,539 You think a guy like me roots for people 79 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:09,292 to fall and have horrible spinal injuries? 80 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:11,210 Especially when my Murderball team needs 81 00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:12,545 four new players for regionals. 82 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,046 What size jerseys are you guys... 83 00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:16,424 I mean, you're safe. Totally safe! 84 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:19,343 Now, Miss Ewell, you said my client assaulted you, 85 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,929 but you have a history of telling falsehoods, do you not? 86 00:04:22,013 --> 00:04:25,057 No, Mr. Inch. I have always told the truth. 87 00:04:25,141 --> 00:04:27,727 Is that right? And when you worked at West Elm, 88 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:30,521 did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs 89 00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:32,190 look just as good as the real thing? 90 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:33,983 Well, so what if I did? 91 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:37,361 You know, there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs. 92 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:38,943 Objection, Your Honor! She's trying to 93 00:04:38,953 --> 00:04:40,406 sell the jury terrible furniture! 94 00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:41,491 Sustained! 95 00:04:41,574 --> 00:04:43,493 Yes, and now that we've established that, 96 00:04:43,576 --> 00:04:46,788 you said my client gave you a black eye with his right hand. 97 00:04:46,871 --> 00:04:48,372 But that's impossible, isn't it? 98 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,666 'Cause everyone knows that for the last two weeks, 99 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:52,794 he's been stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap. 100 00:04:52,877 --> 00:04:53,961 That's you! 101 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,340 Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke. 102 00:04:57,423 --> 00:05:00,051 - It's the 1930s, so I can say that. - I'll allow it. 103 00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:03,805 And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you, 104 00:05:03,888 --> 00:05:06,265 and also has the strongest right arm in town? 105 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:09,727 That's outrageous! I'm so mad, I'm gonna punch my daughter tonight! 106 00:05:09,811 --> 00:05:10,937 I mean... 107 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,814 I mean, someone else's daughter. 108 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,774 I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports. 109 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,485 Ah, damn it. He saved it. 110 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,612 God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent. 111 00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:21,989 Our society is blinded by prejudice. 112 00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:24,951 Oh, that's so deep. Nice armchair activism. 113 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,285 Are... Are you a mockingbird? 114 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,996 "Are you a mockingbird?" That's how you sound, dude. 115 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,748 - Leave me alone. - Fat Snoopy says what? 116 00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:32,667 You little jerk! How dare you call me that? 117 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,751 What're you gonna do, 118 00:05:33,835 --> 00:05:35,378 you're not gonna do anything. 119 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:36,796 Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down. 120 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:41,092 You know, this story is actually pretty good. Now I regret banning it. 121 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,010 And that is why I am confident 122 00:05:43,094 --> 00:05:45,429 that you will find my client not guilty. 123 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,723 Don't worry, we've got this in the bag. 124 00:05:47,807 --> 00:05:49,684 We find the Black guy guilty. 125 00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,353 - Aw, nuts. - So, are they gonna kill me now? 126 00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:53,729 Yeah, but it'll be offstage. 127 00:05:53,813 --> 00:05:56,816 This play about racism is about how it affects white people. 128 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,609 All right, we're done here. 129 00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:00,945 Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark? 130 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,989 Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane. 131 00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:04,615 And remember, there's no street lights 132 00:06:04,699 --> 00:06:06,241 'cause the rural South still doesn't 133 00:06:06,251 --> 00:06:07,910 have electricity in this time period, 134 00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:09,871 which is underratedly shocking. 135 00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:11,622 It was basically North Korea! 136 00:06:11,706 --> 00:06:13,374 What a horrible injustice. 137 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,917 God, this country is racist. 138 00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,003 Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram. 139 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:20,089 You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words. 140 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:22,967 That's it! I'm gonna kill a mockingbird! 141 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,678 I can't believe our son is in a play! 142 00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:26,762 In a play? 143 00:06:26,846 --> 00:06:29,140 He's in a scene where they said the title! 144 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,434 All right, Scout and Jem are walking home! 145 00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,269 Prepare the nighttime set! 146 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:39,191 It's the "Mac Tonight" moon from the McDonald's ads. 147 00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:42,069 Created to increase dinner business. 148 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,573 I really like that moon. 149 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:49,535 Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.? 150 00:06:49,619 --> 00:06:51,704 There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad, 151 00:06:51,787 --> 00:06:53,581 so I'm gonna stab you to get back at him. 152 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:55,291 And I'm confident that no lunatic 153 00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:57,126 will coincidently show up to stop me 154 00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,003 because that would be very bad writing! 155 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,921 - Get away from those kids! - Ow! 156 00:07:01,005 --> 00:07:03,049 Poo Badley? The scary recluse? 157 00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:06,510 That's right! There was never any reason to be afraid of me. 158 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:09,472 And to prove it, I'm gonna murder this guy. 159 00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:10,931 Stop! 160 00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:12,224 This isn't what we blocked. 161 00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:15,019 Damn it, Chris, you said you took stage combat. Ooh! 162 00:07:15,728 --> 00:07:17,730 Wow. Thank you for saving us. 163 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:21,942 No problem. So let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play. 164 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:25,196 It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man 165 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,210 follow her around, and women who 166 00:07:27,220 --> 00:07:29,992 accuse men of sexual assault are liars. 167 00:07:30,076 --> 00:07:32,578 I did it! I killed a mockingbird! 168 00:07:32,662 --> 00:07:33,871 Nooo! 169 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,374 Honey, honey. He's acting. 170 00:07:39,335 --> 00:07:40,920 He's good. 171 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,127 God, did you guys read everyone's bios? 172 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,933 "Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams 173 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,351 in American Hustle." 174 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311 Yeah, right. What a lying hag. 175 00:07:57,395 --> 00:08:01,399 Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler?" 176 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,192 He never studied with Stella Adler. 177 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:06,112 I can still thank her, Brian! I can still be grateful! 178 00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,363 Hey, guys? Big news. 179 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:10,449 I just found out a manager is here. From Panera. 180 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,993 We nail this, we're all gonna get free bread bowls! 181 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:17,123 I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements. 182 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,291 And now for our next play. 183 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:22,795 In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon 184 00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,088 posed a question... 185 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,465 What if Broadway could be more Jewish? 186 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,801 Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple. 187 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:37,393 Ah, what a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar. 188 00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:41,397 Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you, 189 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,066 but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out. 190 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:47,528 Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did she take the Nintendo Switch? 191 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:49,447 - No, I grabbed it. - Come on in. 192 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:52,324 Oh, good. I was so scared to ask because we're so different. 193 00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:53,868 I mean, two white guys 194 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,203 with slightly different standards of neatness 195 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:57,913 sharing the same apartment? 196 00:08:57,997 --> 00:08:59,749 And even though we both have solid careers 197 00:08:59,832 --> 00:09:02,501 in an era of famously depressed New York real estate, 198 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,211 it makes sense we should split rent. 199 00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:06,255 - So that will be $40. - What? 200 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257 Yep, three months upfront. 201 00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:15,389 All right, let's play some 1960s cigar-chewy, 202 00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:17,349 pulling-on-suspenders poker. 203 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,810 - Oh, no, I just cleaned! - Whoops! 204 00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:23,147 Oh, man, different standards of neatness. 205 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:27,068 This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy. 206 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,569 Hmm. I... I don't know. 207 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,466 Shouldn't the fastidious one be the 208 00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,656 person who originally has the apartment, 209 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,617 not the person coming to stay there? 210 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,452 Who cares if their guest is neat? 211 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,079 Don't poke holes in the premise. 212 00:09:38,162 --> 00:09:39,830 I missed Rob Base for this! 213 00:09:39,914 --> 00:09:41,999 And he was touring with Tone Loc! 214 00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:44,418 What's up, Quahog? Now, tell me something... 215 00:09:44,502 --> 00:09:47,171 do you like your medina not funky and hot? 216 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714 Nooo! 217 00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:51,509 My favorite part is the pre-song banter. 218 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:55,471 Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York. 219 00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,890 Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget 220 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,975 how to spell the word "assassinated". 221 00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:03,646 Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam? 222 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,606 As much as I love killing babies, 223 00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:08,400 I'm happy to be right here in New York City. 224 00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:09,902 Plus, if we were over there, 225 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:12,571 who's gonna spit on the soldiers when they get back? 226 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:15,199 Hang on, guys. I want to turn on the radio for the ball game 227 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,284 so it surprises us later in the play. 228 00:10:17,368 --> 00:10:18,661 And what else is going on? 229 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:21,122 Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault? 230 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,706 That was the last play! 231 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,416 Speaking of which, 232 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,168 are you guys ever gonna get us down? 233 00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:27,795 Uh, we're working on it, Donna. 234 00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:29,338 Well, that's not good enough. 235 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,341 Let me handle this. As a cop, I've had a lot of experience 236 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,801 stonewalling upset women. 237 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,928 I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops. 238 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,888 - Ma'am... - Don't you "ma'am" me! 239 00:10:37,972 --> 00:10:39,890 - Ma'am. Ma'am. - Don't you use that cop trick. 240 00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:41,058 You think I'm going away? 241 00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:42,184 - I'm not going away! - Ma'am. 242 00:10:42,268 --> 00:10:44,270 - You will get us down from here! - Ma'am. Ma'am. 243 00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,147 You will give me answers and if you don't... 244 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:47,898 - Ma'am. - I will find your superior 245 00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:50,901 and I will get answers from him because I am not going to be ignored! 246 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,319 - I wanna get down! - Ma'am. 247 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:01,203 Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight. 248 00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:04,623 They are almost 23, which means they are desperate to get married. 249 00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,458 And like all women of this era, 250 00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:09,628 I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests. 251 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,798 Peter, my dad is in the audience, all right? Please stay on book. 252 00:11:12,882 --> 00:11:15,426 Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. 253 00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,800 Oh. Is this 'cause I only have one rubber 254 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,638 from the Army for the two of us to split? 255 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,098 It's got some miles on it, though, 256 00:11:21,182 --> 00:11:23,392 so you might wanna use a shoelace to tie down. 257 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,895 I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't think this is for me. 258 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,939 Damn it, Peter! None of this is in the play! 259 00:11:29,023 --> 00:11:31,066 But I'll give dating a shot. 260 00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:33,027 Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up. 261 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,363 Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet? 262 00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:38,490 Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet! 263 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,993 Oh, boy, that's a biggie. 264 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:45,331 Will assistant stage manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right? 265 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,124 And bring the grill tongs. 266 00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:48,375 Welcome, ladies. 267 00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,044 Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, 268 00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:53,255 it's a New York play and I haven't yelled anything out my window today. 269 00:11:53,339 --> 00:11:54,340 Taxi! 270 00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,925 Hey, keep it down over there! 271 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,468 You keep it down! 272 00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,720 Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume 273 00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:02,056 is a hallmark of apartment-based theater. 274 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,891 So, tell us about yourselves. 275 00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:07,811 Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful. 276 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:11,565 Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he was brutally killed in the war... 277 00:12:11,649 --> 00:12:14,610 And it's outta here! Home run for Mickey Mantle! 278 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:17,321 Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-gun! 279 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:19,657 I'm sorry, ladies, please continue. 280 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,076 Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment? 281 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,662 Sure, just give me a second. I just gotta use the plop sink. 282 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,705 Damn it, Oscar! I'm not comfortable doing this. 283 00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,457 It's all happening too fast for me. 284 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,708 I miss my wife. 285 00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,794 What's wrong with you? Those chicks are hot! 286 00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:34,255 And they live in our building. So when things go south, 287 00:12:34,338 --> 00:12:35,798 we'll still see 'em every day. 288 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:38,884 And often for a slow, iron-gate elevator ride. 289 00:12:41,971 --> 00:12:44,431 Hey, did you guys know that Picasso is still alive? 290 00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:46,892 I was way off on that by, like, 300 years. 291 00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:49,436 That's one small step for man... 292 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,730 God, this is so boring. I'm changing the channel. 293 00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:55,192 Ah, here we go. The Dating Game. 294 00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:58,279 We're all gonna remember where we were when we saw this. 295 00:12:58,362 --> 00:13:00,531 Hey, put the rubber on the radiator. 296 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,324 Chicks love it when the rubber's hot. 297 00:13:02,408 --> 00:13:05,411 So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer. 298 00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:08,831 Uh, that's right. And Oscar is a sports writer. 299 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:12,001 Writers in two totally different departments! 300 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,044 On the same floor, but still! 301 00:13:14,128 --> 00:13:16,547 Uh, listen, you're very beautiful, 302 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:19,008 but so is the woman who just broke my heart, 303 00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:20,634 so I can't in good conscience... 304 00:13:20,718 --> 00:13:22,261 You know what? This is a stupid play. 305 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,431 No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex, 306 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,724 especially in the '60s. 307 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,809 Come on girls, we're going to my room. 308 00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,603 There you go, Felix. Now you're getting the hang of it. 309 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,230 Wait a minute, that's my wife! 310 00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:35,649 It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us. 311 00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,818 Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber? 312 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,029 Yeah, we women love that! 313 00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:48,245 So, you're really kicking me out, huh? 314 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,623 Yeah, get lost pal. I already found a better New York roommate. 315 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,584 Well, I'm out! 316 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,336 Boo! This sucks! 317 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,005 No, don't heckle, Kramer! 318 00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,174 Well, that guy over there is a... 319 00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:05,137 Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess. 320 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:08,432 Okay, I've got a medium and an XL Murderball jersey. 321 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,226 Who's not feeling anything from the waist down? 322 00:14:17,176 --> 00:14:20,266 All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening... 323 00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,696 William Shakespeare's Hamlet. 324 00:14:22,707 --> 00:14:25,334 There's something rotten in Denmark. 325 00:14:25,491 --> 00:14:28,619 That's Peter's fault. The grill tongs just broke it in half. 326 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:29,870 We're dealing with it. 327 00:14:33,378 --> 00:14:35,626 Good morrow, dear Mother! 328 00:14:35,637 --> 00:14:39,016 Thou wanted to seeth me on this fine day in Denmark? 329 00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:40,923 And that ball's gone! 330 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,926 Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle! 331 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,261 Sorry, that was from the last play, sorry. 332 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:49,504 Look, I called you in here because I have bad news. 333 00:14:49,515 --> 00:14:52,142 Your father, the king, is dead. 334 00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:53,936 Well, that's quite tragic. 335 00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:56,730 But I see no reason to descend into madness 336 00:14:56,814 --> 00:15:00,609 as long as thou doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to... 337 00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,986 So I am married his brother, Claudius. 338 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,447 Thou hast what? 339 00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,658 Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late, 340 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,160 I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway. 341 00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:11,745 Norway is our rival. 342 00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:14,289 Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember, 343 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,635 I'm still the same uncle you've always known, 344 00:15:16,652 --> 00:15:18,278 except now I'm having sex with your mom. 345 00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:19,901 And Mantle is coming out 346 00:15:19,911 --> 00:15:21,880 to tip his cap to the fans. 347 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,423 Sorry, second radio. 348 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:30,055 Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows 349 00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:32,141 with their overly developed triceps. 350 00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:34,017 Ay, there's the rub... 351 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:37,020 He he. Classy masturbation joke, son. 352 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,189 Dad? But you died! 353 00:15:39,273 --> 00:15:42,317 That means you're a guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost! 354 00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:44,903 Yeah, but calm down. This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo. 355 00:15:44,914 --> 00:15:46,207 So, what are you doing here? 356 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,574 Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death. 357 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,534 But first, since I'm a ghost... 358 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,423 A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft. 359 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:07,342 So, you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death. 360 00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:10,596 Oh, right. Son, my death was no accident. 361 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,098 I was killed by my brother, Claudius! 362 00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:16,018 What? Everyone said your death was your own fault. 363 00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:18,562 That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID. 364 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,981 Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan. 365 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,650 But that's not how I died. Claudius killed me 366 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,360 and I need you to avenge me! 367 00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:27,446 - You got it, Dad! - Great. 368 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:30,407 Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress 369 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,743 that I need you to throw away. Do that part first. 370 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,204 Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing, 371 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,116 so when a guy named Ivar shows up, 372 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:38,749 you gotta give him a hundred gold coins. 373 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:41,501 A hundred? I don't even have that many. 374 00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:43,337 Well, you better by the time Ivar comes. 375 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:46,089 He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time. 376 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:49,384 Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves... 377 00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:52,346 Oh, for God's sake! This is, like, so many things! 378 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,098 No, it's not, I promise. Just focus on the important stuff, okay? 379 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,975 So again, it's etching of Beowulf. 380 00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:58,769 That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it. 381 00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:00,448 Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves, 382 00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:02,397 and time permitting, revenge. 383 00:17:04,555 --> 00:17:06,265 Greetings, fair Hamlet! 384 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,196 It is I, the king's counsellor, Polonius! 385 00:17:09,207 --> 00:17:11,209 Are you okay? You look like you're going mad. 386 00:17:11,365 --> 00:17:13,825 Yeah, I just got some disturbing news. 387 00:17:13,836 --> 00:17:15,129 Also, I took a lot of fentanyl, 388 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,746 but I'm pretty sure it's the "news" part. 389 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,332 Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow, 390 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:23,085 and I heard you're now the castle eaves guy... 391 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,796 Why is everyone asking me to do stuff? 392 00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:27,923 Aah! 393 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:31,176 You dick. This is why we need sword control. 394 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,512 I don't know. I think the play is pretty clear 395 00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:35,973 that my problem is mental health. 396 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,812 Now I'm supposed to give the "to be or not to be" speech, 397 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,772 but I couldn't remember it, 398 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:47,484 so this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle. 399 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:52,030 Great moments are born from great opportunity. 400 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,699 And that's what you have tonight, boys. 401 00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:55,754 That's what you've earned here tonight. 402 00:17:56,093 --> 00:17:57,136 One game. 403 00:17:57,147 --> 00:18:00,609 If we played 'em 12 times, they might win 11. 404 00:18:00,653 --> 00:18:03,906 But not this game. Not this 12th night. 405 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,169 Tonight, we skate with them. 406 00:18:06,325 --> 00:18:09,078 Tonight, we stay with them. 407 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:12,593 And we shut them down because we can! 408 00:18:12,604 --> 00:18:15,524 Tonight, we few, we happy few, 409 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:19,600 we, band of stinky American college students, 410 00:18:19,611 --> 00:18:22,781 are the greatest hockey team in the world! 411 00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,558 I'm sick and tired of hearing about what 412 00:18:24,568 --> 00:18:27,024 a great hockey team the Soviets have. 413 00:18:27,035 --> 00:18:29,788 Screw em! This is your time! 414 00:18:29,799 --> 00:18:32,302 Now go out there and take it. 415 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:35,574 U.S.A.! 416 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:39,703 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 417 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,581 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 418 00:18:43,654 --> 00:18:46,782 All right, Laertes, I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me 419 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,546 and also doing lazy movie references. So I need your help... 420 00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:51,131 Wait, that's your costume? 421 00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:54,760 They ran out of Shakespeare stuff and I didn't know what to do! 422 00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:57,168 Sorry, it's been a frustrating day. 423 00:18:57,179 --> 00:19:00,474 I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance. 424 00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:02,757 Who out there likes big butts... 425 00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:04,478 Hey, where's Quagmire? 426 00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:07,470 Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda the leader of that fan club. 427 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,358 Have either of you seen my phone? 428 00:19:09,369 --> 00:19:11,580 I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid. 429 00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:14,101 Okay, it's obvious things are going off the rails, 430 00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:15,656 so we're gonna skip ahead to the end. 431 00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:18,116 Claudius decides to kill Hamlet, 432 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,453 there's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake. 433 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:25,374 Oh... Oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf 434 00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:27,918 and three other guys under my husband's mattress. 435 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,753 You said it was just Beowulf! 436 00:19:30,049 --> 00:19:32,218 It doesn't matter, I said to get rid of it! 437 00:19:33,617 --> 00:19:36,120 En garde! 438 00:19:38,364 --> 00:19:39,365 What the hell? 439 00:19:39,376 --> 00:19:41,077 You said you took stage combat. 440 00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:44,050 Yeah, on Zoom! 441 00:19:45,674 --> 00:19:48,177 Well, that was easy. Say your prayers, Hamlet. 442 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,357 I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm going to the ice rink 443 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,567 to watch that great Soviet hockey team. 444 00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:55,100 I am sick and tired of hearing about what 445 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,906 a great hockey team the Soviets have! 446 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:02,035 Audience, do you believe in miracles? 447 00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:06,415 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 448 00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:09,209 Great job, son. Now, let's drag him behind the castle 449 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,129 and violate his corpse. Hamlet. 450 00:20:17,331 --> 00:20:20,167 Let's give it up for the Quahog Players! 451 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,738 We did it, Peter! We saved the playhouse! 452 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:39,781 We sure did, Lois. 453 00:20:39,937 --> 00:20:43,607 But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place. 454 00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:45,787 It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert 455 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:47,998 over-the-pants handiwork in theaters. 456 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,084 What was once a boring night out became a celebration 457 00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,378 as men decorated the inside of their pants 458 00:20:53,462 --> 00:20:55,756 and then fell asleep, while women got left alone 459 00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:58,675 to watch whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted to see. 460 00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,177 Everyone was happy. 461 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:03,930 Ay... there truly is the rub. 462 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:13,397 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -