Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse,
formerly the Bitcoin Center,
formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,
formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall,
formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium.
Yep, lot of history here, folks.
But this beloved landmark was about to close
until a local woman without a job,
who calls herself a "community activist,"
decided to mount three plays to try to save it.
Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I am a community activist.
Tonight, we'll be performing three plays
to save this local treasure that
none of us supported while it was open.
But we can't let our fear of COVID shutter another business.
Oh, crap, everybody out! This isn't worth it!
It's not COVID. I have black lung!
Oh, thank God. I thought it was something
that could affect the rest of us.
So, without further ado, please enjoy
our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird.
A searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that,
from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,
no Black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not once!
Okay, let's do this! Places, everybody.
As they say in the theater, break an L-3 vertebra!
I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.
And listen, I don't wanna make anybody nervous,
but I just found out an agent is here.
From Allstate. We play this right,
we're all gonna get earthquake coverage.
Ah, the 1930s, when the South was 90 percent porch.
- Mail for Fatticus Inch! - Ah, yes, thank you.
Boy, I'm really schvitzin' in this heat.
Uh, okay. That'll be all, mailman.
Screw you, putz! My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.
Anyone who claps for me gets their Oxycontin prescription refilled,
no questions asked.
- Not you two. - Aww.
The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into Gods.
Dad, some of the kids at school said
you're defending a Black man accused by a white woman.
That's right, Scout.
Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel.
And they also said one time in court,
you sat on your balls and fainted.
Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that.
Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother, Jem?
Here I am, Pop! Uh, everybody's already on their phones.
I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.
Oh, God, I do have to take this.
Patti, hi! No, I can talk.
Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.
Yeah, it was left for me in a tree by Poo Badley.
Ah, Poo Badley. A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s.
He seems like someone I wanna leave you alone with later in the play.
All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.
Fun fact, that's the same tree
from the Wizard of Oz that the munchkin used to hang himself.
What part of that is fun?
Munchkin.
That Black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.
Cleveland, how could you?
You're supposed to be on my side!
And my character's name is Tom!
Can't believe I missed a Rob Base concert for this.
And I'm his biggest fan.
Hey, yo Quahog, how many does it take to make a thing go right?
Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?
Fatticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor.
Now, if I may begin.
Hello to the all-white jury,
the all-white gallery,
and the very rickety segregated balcony.
Are you sure this balcony is safe?
Of course you're safe!
You think a guy like me roots for people
to fall and have horrible spinal injuries?
Especially when my Murderball team needs
four new players for regionals.
What size jerseys are you guys...
I mean, you're safe. Totally safe!
Now, Miss Ewell, you said my client assaulted you,
but you have a history of telling falsehoods, do you not?
No, Mr. Inch. I have always told the truth.
Is that right? And when you worked at West Elm,
did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs
look just as good as the real thing?
Well, so what if I did?
You know, there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.
Objection, Your Honor! She's trying to
sell the jury terrible furniture!
Sustained!
Yes, and now that we've established that,
you said my client gave you a black eye with his right hand.
But that's impossible, isn't it?
'Cause everyone knows that for the last two weeks,
he's been stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap.
That's you!
Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke.
- It's the 1930s, so I can say that. - I'll allow it.
And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you,
and also has the strongest right arm in town?
That's outrageous! I'm so mad, I'm gonna punch my daughter tonight!
I mean...
I mean, someone else's daughter.
I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.
Ah, damn it. He saved it.
God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.
Our society is blinded by prejudice.
Oh, that's so deep. Nice armchair activism.
Are... Are you a mockingbird?
"Are you a mockingbird?" That's how you sound, dude.
- Leave me alone. - Fat Snoopy says what?
You little jerk! How dare you call me that?
What're you gonna do,
you're not gonna do anything.
Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.
You know, this story is actually pretty good. Now I regret banning it.
And that is why I am confident
that you will find my client not guilty.
Don't worry, we've got this in the bag.
We find the Black guy guilty.
- Aw, nuts. - So, are they gonna kill me now?
Yeah, but it'll be offstage.
This play about racism is about how it affects white people.
All right, we're done here.
Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark?
Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.
And remember, there's no street lights
'cause the rural South still doesn't
have electricity in this time period,
which is underratedly shocking.
It was basically North Korea!
What a horrible injustice.
God, this country is racist.
Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.
You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.
That's it! I'm gonna kill a mockingbird!
I can't believe our son is in a play!
In a play?
He's in a scene where they said the title!
All right, Scout and Jem are walking home!
Prepare the nighttime set!
It's the "Mac Tonight" moon from the McDonald's ads.
Created to increase dinner business.
I really like that moon.
Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.?
There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad,
so I'm gonna stab you to get back at him.
And I'm confident that no lunatic
will coincidently show up to stop me
because that would be very bad writing!
- Get away from those kids! - Ow!
Poo Badley? The scary recluse?
That's right! There was never any reason to be afraid of me.
And to prove it, I'm gonna murder this guy.
Stop!
This isn't what we blocked.
Damn it, Chris, you said you took stage combat. Ooh!
Wow. Thank you for saving us.
No problem. So let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play.
It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man
follow her around, and women who
accuse men of sexual assault are liars.
I did it! I killed a mockingbird!
Nooo!
Honey, honey. He's acting.
He's good.
God, did you guys read everyone's bios?
"Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams
in American Hustle."
Yeah, right. What a lying hag.
Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler?"
He never studied with Stella Adler.
I can still thank her, Brian! I can still be grateful!
Hey, guys? Big news.
I just found out a manager is here. From Panera.
We nail this, we're all gonna get free bread bowls!
I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.
And now for our next play.
In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon
posed a question...
What if Broadway could be more Jewish?
Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.
Ah, what a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.
Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you,
but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out.
Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did she take the Nintendo Switch?
- No, I grabbed it. - Come on in.
Oh, good. I was so scared to ask because we're so different.
I mean, two white guys
with slightly different standards of neatness
sharing the same apartment?
And even though we both have solid careers
in an era of famously depressed New York real estate,
it makes sense we should split rent.
- So that will be $40. - What?
Yep, three months upfront.
All right, let's play some 1960s cigar-chewy,
pulling-on-suspenders poker.
- Oh, no, I just cleaned! - Whoops!
Oh, man, different standards of neatness.
This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.
Hmm. I... I don't know.
Shouldn't the fastidious one be the
person who originally has the apartment,
not the person coming to stay there?
Who cares if their guest is neat?
Don't poke holes in the premise.
I missed Rob Base for this!
And he was touring with Tone Loc!
What's up, Quahog? Now, tell me something...
do you like your medina not funky and hot?
Nooo!
My favorite part is the pre-song banter.
Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York.
Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget
how to spell the word "assassinated".
Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?
As much as I love killing babies,
I'm happy to be right here in New York City.
Plus, if we were over there,
who's gonna spit on the soldiers when they get back?
Hang on, guys. I want to turn on the radio for the ball game
so it surprises us later in the play.
And what else is going on?
Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault?
That was the last play!
Speaking of which,
are you guys ever gonna get us down?
Uh, we're working on it, Donna.
Well, that's not good enough.
Let me handle this. As a cop, I've had a lot of experience
stonewalling upset women.
I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops.
- Ma'am... - Don't you "ma'am" me!
- Ma'am. Ma'am. - Don't you use that cop trick.
You think I'm going away?
- I'm not going away! - Ma'am.
- You will get us down from here! - Ma'am. Ma'am.
You will give me answers and if you don't...
- Ma'am. - I will find your superior
and I will get answers from him because I am not going to be ignored!
- I wanna get down! - Ma'am.
Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight.
They are almost 23, which means they are desperate to get married.
And like all women of this era,
I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests.
Peter, my dad is in the audience, all right? Please stay on book.
Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.
Oh. Is this 'cause I only have one rubber
from the Army for the two of us to split?
It's got some miles on it, though,
so you might wanna use a shoelace to tie down.
I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't think this is for me.
Damn it, Peter! None of this is in the play!
But I'll give dating a shot.
Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.
Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet?
Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet!
Oh, boy, that's a biggie.
Will assistant stage manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right?
And bring the grill tongs.
Welcome, ladies.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment,
it's a New York play and I haven't yelled anything out my window today.
Taxi!
Hey, keep it down over there!
You keep it down!
Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume
is a hallmark of apartment-based theater.
So, tell us about yourselves.
Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful.
Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he was brutally killed in the war...
And it's outta here! Home run for Mickey Mantle!
Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-gun!
I'm sorry, ladies, please continue.
Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment?
Sure, just give me a second. I just gotta use the plop sink.
Damn it, Oscar! I'm not comfortable doing this.
It's all happening too fast for me.
I miss my wife.
What's wrong with you? Those chicks are hot!
And they live in our building. So when things go south,
we'll still see 'em every day.
And often for a slow, iron-gate elevator ride.
Hey, did you guys know that Picasso is still alive?
I was way off on that by, like, 300 years.
That's one small step for man...
God, this is so boring. I'm changing the channel.
Ah, here we go. The Dating Game.
We're all gonna remember where we were when we saw this.
Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.
Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.
So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.
Uh, that's right. And Oscar is a sports writer.
Writers in two totally different departments!
On the same floor, but still!
Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,
but so is the woman who just broke my heart,
so I can't in good conscience...
You know what? This is a stupid play.
No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex,
especially in the '60s.
Come on girls, we're going to my room.
There you go, Felix. Now you're getting the hang of it.
Wait a minute, that's my wife!
It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us.
Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?
Yeah, we women love that!
So, you're really kicking me out, huh?
Yeah, get lost pal. I already found a better New York roommate.
Well, I'm out!
Boo! This sucks!
No, don't heckle, Kramer!
Well, that guy over there is a...
Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess.
Okay, I've got a medium and an XL Murderball jersey.
Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?
All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening...
William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
There's something rotten in Denmark.
That's Peter's fault. The grill tongs just broke it in half.
We're dealing with it.
Good morrow, dear Mother!
Thou wanted to seeth me on this fine day in Denmark?
And that ball's gone!
Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!
Sorry, that was from the last play, sorry.
Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.
Your father, the king, is dead.
Well, that's quite tragic.
But I see no reason to descend into madness
as long as thou doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to...
So I am married his brother, Claudius.
Thou hast what?
Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late,
I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway.
Norway is our rival.
Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember,
I'm still the same uncle you've always known,
except now I'm having sex with your mom.
And Mantle is coming out
to tip his cap to the fans.
Sorry, second radio.
Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows
with their overly developed triceps.
Ay, there's the rub...
He he. Classy masturbation joke, son.
Dad? But you died!
That means you're a guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost!
Yeah, but calm down. This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.
But first, since I'm a ghost...
A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.
So, you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death.
Oh, right. Son, my death was no accident.
I was killed by my brother, Claudius!
What? Everyone said your death was your own fault.
That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID.
Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan.
But that's not how I died. Claudius killed me
and I need you to avenge me!
- You got it, Dad! - Great.
Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress
that I need you to throw away. Do that part first.
Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing,
so when a guy named Ivar shows up,
you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.
A hundred? I don't even have that many.
Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.
He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time.
Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves...
Oh, for God's sake! This is, like, so many things!
No, it's not, I promise. Just focus on the important stuff, okay?
So again, it's etching of Beowulf.
That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it.
Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves,
and time permitting, revenge.
Greetings, fair Hamlet!
It is I, the king's counsellor, Polonius!
Are you okay? You look like you're going mad.
Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.
Also, I took a lot of fentanyl,
but I'm pretty sure it's the "news" part.
Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow,
and I heard you're now the castle eaves guy...
Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?
Aah!
You dick. This is why we need sword control.
I don't know. I think the play is pretty clear
that my problem is mental health.
Now I'm supposed to give the "to be or not to be" speech,
but I couldn't remember it,
so this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.
Great moments are born from great opportunity.
And that's what you have tonight, boys.
That's what you've earned here tonight.
One game.
If we played 'em 12 times, they might win 11.
But not this game. Not this 12th night.
Tonight, we skate with them.
Tonight, we stay with them.
And we shut them down because we can!
Tonight, we few, we happy few,
we, band of stinky American college students,
are the greatest hockey team in the world!
I'm sick and tired of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw em! This is your time!
Now go out there and take it.
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
All right, Laertes, I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me
and also doing lazy movie references. So I need your help...
Wait, that's your costume?
They ran out of Shakespeare stuff and I didn't know what to do!
Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.
I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance.
Who out there likes big butts...
Hey, where's Quagmire?
Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda the leader of that fan club.
Have either of you seen my phone?
I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.
Okay, it's obvious things are going off the rails,
so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.
Claudius decides to kill Hamlet,
there's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake.
Oh... Oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf
and three other guys under my husband's mattress.
You said it was just Beowulf!
It doesn't matter, I said to get rid of it!
En garde!
What the hell?
You said you took stage combat.
Yeah, on Zoom!
Well, that was easy. Say your prayers, Hamlet.
I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm going to the ice rink
to watch that great Soviet hockey team.
I am sick and tired of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have!
Audience, do you believe in miracles?
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Great job, son. Now, let's drag him behind the castle
and violate his corpse. Hamlet.
Let's give it up for the Quahog Players!
We did it, Peter! We saved the playhouse!
We sure did, Lois.
But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place.
It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert
over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.
What was once a boring night out became a celebration
as men decorated the inside of their pants
and then fell asleep, while women got left alone
to watch whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted to see.
Everyone was happy.
Ay... there truly is the rub.
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -