Whoa! What happened to you?
It's not my fault. They put the saloon next to the salon
and I got very confused.
What's your name, stranger?
They call me "Quiet Burp".
Yeah, I've heard about you.
Flush.
Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?
Four deuces.
Way to go.
Something doesn't smell right about that hand.
Your cards neither.
You're calling me a cheat?
I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.
Let's go. Train's leaving the station.
Who's your handler, Burp?
I'm Vivienne,
which is a man's name back now.
That's what you're telling yourself?
I'm the man with no name.
I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.
- But what was your name again? - Django. Unclaimed.
I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp!
We could finish this conversation on a moonless night.
Yeah? And what do you say we finish it now?
I don't get why we're transporting your money
in the first place.
Why not just build your own bank?
Don't lecture me on business sense.
I made all my money in not sharp enough bone saws
during the Civil War.
Dulled the first batch of blades myself.
Oh now, here's something.
"Lady hanged for wearing pants."
Good. One less wacko on the streets.
"American West, uninhabited asterisk."
I wonder what the asterisk means.
Would you look at this, kid?
In a few days we'll be striking it rich in the current West.
Oh weird.
Does this look vegetarian to you?
You know, I never do this, but I'm gonna say something.
I think we should be keeping a low profile.
People are still pretty upset.
Look, it was a mutual decision
to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv group.
Who knew he was gonna do that?
I do feel kind of bad, though.
Honestly, I was just glad
he finally made an active choice on stage.
Can I just be the first person to say
I love seeing this country by train?
Ah shoot.
Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.
But did you need that money for anything?
Hand over the money!
They already got us.
Oh perfect!
Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.
Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty for catching the robber.
I'm sure glad I get to form a posse with you guys.
Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe, anyway?
I once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to.
Ruined her for every other man.
And I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.
Gave it a real hard thought.
Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there
playing with firecrackers.
Man, is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?
All right. The bandit's trail leads to Golden Stream.
But look sharp, fellas, to get there,
we gotta cross through Indian territory.
Look.
Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?
- I like their long shirts. - Tell 'em.
I like your long shirts.
Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.
If you get bit, the only cure is for someone to suck the poison out.
Is that right?
Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy leak by those cool sandy bushes.
Letter for Quiet Burp.
That's me.
Oh cool. Wow.
Without addresses, I spent the past nine years
just asking everyone I see.
Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!
Did you get in?
No, it's... it's for someone else.
But the guy said Quiet...
They put me on the overweight list, okay?
Bunch of wise guys.
If you need me, I'll be binge watching the campfire.
That'll show 'em.
Separating those carpetbaggers from their money.
Huh, and their Tucks Medicated pads, too.
Guys, we got a problem.
Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek
and stuff them through the crescent moon hole.
All right. The tracks have stopped.
So the guy's gotta be around here somewhere.
- Hey, hey, you guys see that?
I, I may go in just as a joke.
I may... join you just as a joke.
All right. I'll see you guys inside.
Hey, and to think this horse saved me
when someone was gonna put me down.
I wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.
Named Sheriff West.
Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.
Will you stop saying that to everyone we meet?
You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.
So you got any notions of stirring up trouble?
You snuff that lantern out now.
Take a step out of line.
The next one will be on to the scaffold.
Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.
Do you have these written down somewhere?
Of course, if you prefer,
we could just head on down to the marshal's.
They got just about everything you need
so long as it's from the brand Nautica.
All the envelopes are sealed.
Hey, buddy. Is that your schoolhouse teacher?
School house?
This is Arizona State University.
Yeah? Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?
Her husband died in childbirth.
His picture is in that locket.
Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.
Well, actually, word is
the pictures of the piece he was swinging.
I see. Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.
Hey, there. Name is Quiet Burp.
A-ha. Nice to meet you.
I'm the "hair blowing in the wind school mom", Lucy Stools.
You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.
Would you be up for dinner?
Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into
an active classroom to ask me this.
How about 6:30?
Perfect. And hey, maybe we could go dancing after.
I haven't been in forever.
I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.
All right, decent crowd.
Now let's go through our warm ups.
Say it with me. "Cute cowboys come quick.
Cute cowboys come quick."
What are we even performing?
Well, if there's one thing freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,
it's a Shakespearean drama.
So I give you... Richard the third.
Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm.
Because if I see you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.
Which scene does he get nude in?
I don't know. It's one of the castle ones, I think.
I don't know. Now, come on!
Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.
"Shine out fair sun till I have bought a glass
so that I may see my shadow as I pass."
Shoot. We're losing them.
Maybe we try a little improv.
Okay. Okay.
- Um, I need a location. - Yellowstone.
- Occupation. - Yellowstone rancher.
Can I hear from anyone else, please?
- Need a little red meat here. - A barrel maker.
There's some fertile ground.
- I see why you mentioned it. - One barrel, please, sir.
Damn it, Dog Holiday! Don't play along with them.
We just want to see programs about Yellowstone.
Can be way before right now,
soared and near right now or in the future.
As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.
Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.
And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.
I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.
How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?
I can think of only one thing that will save us.
Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.
I am James A. Garfield.
I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.
His impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.
I bet he sounds like that, though.
Tonight's special is a souffle and a filet mignon.
Sorry. These words just got here.
I thought you were the Sheriff.
Lot of jobs, not enough people.
I'm trying to avoid glutton.
And I told you I didn't want any trouble.
So were you in the Civil War?
Yeah, I fought for the middle.
A couple of days in, I found a two sided uniform.
Oh, still wearing it, wow.
Eventually, both sides caught on.
So I survived by hiding under a pile of bodies.
For four years ate nothing but dead butts.
Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.
Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman.
But I'm a different person now.
I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger.
And look at me now. A widow.
I mean, my students don't even respect me.
I would have loved having you as a teacher.
You're smart, pretty and I don't know.
Seeing you today, I felt more than I have in a while.
That's funny. I felt the same spark with you, too.
Madeline? From Atlanta?
No, no, that is no longer my truth.
All we need is a little costume repair.
Find our opening. Let's see.
Livery stable, brothel, three dry goods stores.
Wait a minute. That's it!
It's the ultimate zag holiday.
We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of Paris.
Get your high waters on and start selling.
Can I interest you in checking out our supply, sir?
Picture yourself waking up in the morning
and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.
Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?
We supply the wettest flower in the West.
Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened.
Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.
Perfect for your stringiest events.
It's peaceful out here, isn't it?
The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians dynamiting a mountain.
You know, usually men don't want
anything to do with me.
See, my late husband and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.
The mortality rate's 140%.
But the truth is, these past two scenes
are the most fun I've had in a while.
Me too, Lucy.
Sorry, I was holding that.
I didn't want to crack my saddle.
Y'all know if this is the way to the saloon?
I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of direction.
And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.
Yippee-ki-yay, mister.
I can't believe this. Lucy, you're the train robber?
I was sent to bring you in.
You don't understand.
I was only doing it because of the destruction
your bosses bone saw brought upon the soldiers.
The stolen money was redistributed to their families.
Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?
Name one movie where the good guy uses a cane.
I don't...
Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?
Who's Michael J. Fox?
Ah, you don't know him,
but your great, great, great grandkids are gonna love him.
I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat.
Stayed up with a prostitute last night and got the full service.
- What'd you do? - Cried in her lap mostly.
The chicks will do anything in this town.
What did you get up to, Django?
I rode over and said hi to the other Black guy in town.
Oh yeah? How's he doing?
Not well.
Where you been, Quiet?
We spent all this time hunting for that train robber,
and you haven't helped one bit.
Interesting you say that. Hey, quick update.
The school mom's the bad guy, but I'm in love with her
and want you guys to be cool with it.
Oh, and we're registered at the wet goods store.
We can't let you get married, Quiet.
You promised we were gonna have the most epic summer ever!
We still can. You three will be my groomsmen.
Which one of us is the best man?
Oh, it's uh... it's a friend from a high school posse.
- Ah, come on. - That's
Look, I'm sorry. I just...
You never forget your first posse, you know?
You told us we were the best posse you ever had.
They say possess posse,
but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to be.
Okay, well, you know something?
I think this posse stinks.
Sorry. Burp. With this 5,000, we can live like kings
in the most cosmopolitan city in America, Saint Louis.
So what do you need to show me?
Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier,
and something caught my eye.
Gold panning. Of course.
Now there's gonna be temptation to kill each other when we find gold.
So let's agree on a pact.
I'll watch your stuff here
while you turn your back and start panning.
Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig.
I'd counsel you fellas against laying a claim to these parts
or may I head upstream hell bent for leather.
Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind.
Just saying there's gold up in them up hills.
"Them, the?" These prospectors and their pronouns.
Am I right?
Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.
I can't... hear you.
What's that?
Oh, I get it.
You were making fun of my stutter,
you sadistic son of a bitch!
Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!
But you were making fun of my stutter.
Of course I was.
We live in an era where you can make fun of anything.
You can make fun of and and even.
And you can still call a.
So say it all now before they stop you.
- Before who stops you. - Mostly.
We know you're in there 'cause we already burned down
two of your previously listed addresses.
But I was born in an orphanage.
Yeah, we found out.
Get ready to draw.
I put the sun in the corner.
Sorry, Quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.
So either walk away
or the undertaker will have a busy afternoon.
Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?
Told you, when it comes to folks
in this here town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.
Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.
Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.
Let's ride off to the inexplicable music
from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
- Ah great. My eyes are closed.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
Oh no, they're right on us.
Quick, let's head for that canyon.
Hey, do you see that newspaper?
The Osage struck oil.
Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.
You know, I'm about fed up with these
half-baked schemes of yours.
Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.
I said we should do a dog show.
A talking dog and you wanted to jump through hoops.
Look out, Buffalo Bill.
We got ourselves a first rate entertainer.
Wilkes Booth would have been on board.
Oh yeah, he had a lot of high minded ideas.
But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder
if we didn't kick the wrong member out of our improv group.
In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse
and get a more convincing performance right now.
You know what? That's it!
Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.
Maybe grab a nap in our long johns
that show the outlines of our packages.
Holy crap! Look!
Oh my God!
After this long john nap, we're gonna be rich.
It's all over, Quiet. You should just turn me in.
Quick, Holiday. Gather all the glitter you can
to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
We did it, Quiet!
You know, for a second there,
I thought you were gonna turn me in.
Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.
End of the line, Burp.
Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.
Look who I found.
I know you were on the run.
Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.
How about a duel? I win. You let us go free.
Why would I agree to that?
I'm the one with the aimed gun.
Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.
Man, that one was really up there.
Undefeated.
You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,
am excited to quit this life and settle down for good.
Me too, Quiet.
With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring
at the coals of a dwindling future.
I have a whole life to live.
Full of experiences.
Starting with this one.
Oh, Lucy.
Yours is the only posse I want to be in.
Look at this, Holiday.
I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.
There'll be no stopping us.
I know. I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.
I love this DJ.
That night there were 12 ODs
and 24 horse related drunk driving desks.
Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier
laying out in disease or bullets.
No, it was mostly them bisexual nightclubs.
Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.
I'm Wild West.
And I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -