1 00:00:35,993 --> 00:00:38,746 Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game. 2 00:00:38,829 --> 00:00:41,207 Peter, I told you we're going to church today 3 00:00:41,290 --> 00:00:43,834 because we're being honored for our charity work. 4 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:44,961 What charity work? 5 00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:47,171 Remember that day I dragged you all here 6 00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,674 so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless? 7 00:00:49,757 --> 00:00:53,344 Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody. 8 00:00:53,427 --> 00:00:56,347 I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today. 9 00:01:01,342 --> 00:01:03,093 You made me put on a suit for this? 10 00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:04,522 This thing is way too tight. 11 00:01:04,605 --> 00:01:07,608 I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years. 12 00:01:07,619 --> 00:01:10,163 And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me. 13 00:01:10,392 --> 00:01:12,519 But that maybe-teenager-maybe-man 14 00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,448 is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt. 15 00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,828 Aw, and he gets to do iPad time? 16 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:21,956 Stop squirming. 17 00:01:22,039 --> 00:01:24,250 Can you be a normal husband for one day? 18 00:01:25,459 --> 00:01:26,627 Before we begin, 19 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,385 I would like to honor one family's 20 00:01:28,395 --> 00:01:30,548 outstanding service to the community. 21 00:01:30,776 --> 00:01:32,319 It's not the basketball one. 22 00:01:32,330 --> 00:01:35,041 Please put your hands together for the winners 23 00:01:35,052 --> 00:01:38,598 of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award, 24 00:01:38,657 --> 00:01:39,866 the Griffins. 25 00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:44,437 I do apologize, 26 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,566 our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper. 27 00:01:49,817 --> 00:01:53,404 We would also be delighted if you'd take the first communion. 28 00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:55,947 But Peter's suit pants 29 00:01:55,957 --> 00:01:57,616 had been pushed so far to the edge 30 00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,703 that one measly wafer was more than they could take. 31 00:02:02,663 --> 00:02:04,206 Peter! 32 00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:07,585 - What a buffoon! - She married him? 33 00:02:07,668 --> 00:02:10,463 Next week, we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach. 34 00:02:10,546 --> 00:02:11,672 It's not that bad. 35 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:15,760 Let he who has not split his pants in church, cast the first stone. 36 00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:17,470 Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay! 37 00:02:25,787 --> 00:02:27,135 Hey, Stewie. What's going on? 38 00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:29,047 Brian, I've just received an invitation 39 00:02:29,057 --> 00:02:31,567 to the toddler social event of the season. 40 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:34,445 - Wow. What is it? - It's a nighttime costume party. 41 00:02:34,528 --> 00:02:38,532 And it starts at 5:30. "Uber strongly encouraged." 42 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,618 I'd better reserve mine now. 43 00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:43,360 Oh, boy. 44 00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:51,212 Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game. 45 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,244 Look, we are shopping for new pants. 46 00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:56,217 I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass. 47 00:02:56,372 --> 00:02:59,459 Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal. 48 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:02,181 No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants. 49 00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:04,558 I mean, look at you. You're a mess. 50 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:05,726 You are lucky we're married 51 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:08,312 because no other woman would ever find you attractive. 52 00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:09,563 Oh, yeah? 53 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,023 Hi, Peter Griffin. 54 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,192 You may recognize me from a certain piece 55 00:03:13,275 --> 00:03:16,487 of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law. 56 00:03:16,893 --> 00:03:19,771 You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something. 57 00:03:22,398 --> 00:03:25,193 Oh, God, Peter, you are embarrassing yourself. 58 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:28,249 You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest 59 00:03:28,332 --> 00:03:30,918 tape his ass shut in front of all our friends and family. 60 00:03:31,074 --> 00:03:34,953 Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut? 61 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:40,970 How was the party? 62 00:03:41,053 --> 00:03:43,097 All right, I want to tell you, but before I do, 63 00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:46,058 do you know the maids' parts from "I Could Have Danced All Night"? 64 00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:47,560 - No. - All right. Well, the point is 65 00:03:47,715 --> 00:03:49,592 I could have danced all night. 66 00:03:49,603 --> 00:03:51,856 Well, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed. 67 00:03:52,512 --> 00:03:54,472 Huh. Something feels different. 68 00:03:54,555 --> 00:03:56,599 Do you... Do you have a little bald spot? 69 00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:59,613 What? No! It's time for bed, Stewie, come on. 70 00:03:59,649 --> 00:04:01,484 - No. - What did you say? 71 00:04:01,615 --> 00:04:05,119 I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch. 72 00:04:08,278 --> 00:04:11,114 I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive. 73 00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,960 Do all women see me this way? 74 00:04:13,043 --> 00:04:15,296 You know, if you really want to test your desirability, 75 00:04:15,379 --> 00:04:17,548 you should set up a profile on a dating app. 76 00:04:17,631 --> 00:04:20,593 You know, like Stumble or Pair of Plegics. 77 00:04:20,676 --> 00:04:23,220 You're right! I'll just marry a second woman! 78 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:25,598 No, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody. 79 00:04:25,754 --> 00:04:28,590 You just get on the app to see if women match with you. 80 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,187 Then you have proof that you're attractive. 81 00:04:31,342 --> 00:04:32,927 Joe, you're a genius. 82 00:04:32,938 --> 00:04:37,067 Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app. 83 00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,361 I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this. 84 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:42,031 When you die, you don't think about how much money you had. 85 00:04:42,114 --> 00:04:44,450 You think about how many matches you got. 86 00:04:44,797 --> 00:04:47,008 Chris, come closer. 87 00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:50,456 One of my matches was a Latina. 88 00:04:50,539 --> 00:04:52,374 You've said that several times now. 89 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,168 She was from the Caribbean. 90 00:04:54,251 --> 00:04:55,461 That's even better. 91 00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:57,213 It's okay for you to go now. 92 00:04:57,296 --> 00:04:59,340 Big, fat ass. 93 00:04:59,423 --> 00:05:01,717 Does anyone have a pillow? 94 00:05:06,951 --> 00:05:09,078 All right, my profile is all set up. 95 00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:11,508 Now the matches roll in. 96 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:14,230 "Proud owner of new pants." 97 00:05:14,313 --> 00:05:16,492 And your only photo is of you arguing over 98 00:05:16,502 --> 00:05:18,859 your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse? 99 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,110 Who took this? 100 00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:22,822 There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud. 101 00:05:22,977 --> 00:05:25,980 "I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport." 102 00:05:25,991 --> 00:05:27,993 I guess that's interesting-adjacent. 103 00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:31,080 - Steven Tyler? What terminal? - Qantas. 104 00:05:31,163 --> 00:05:33,332 Huh, no kidding. Qantas? 105 00:05:33,415 --> 00:05:36,460 Geez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes. 106 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,795 Peter, this isn't gonna cut it. 107 00:05:37,878 --> 00:05:40,067 You need to present a perfectly curated 108 00:05:40,077 --> 00:05:41,715 profile, and we're gonna help you. 109 00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:43,092 Wow. Thanks, guys. 110 00:05:43,175 --> 00:05:45,302 Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have 111 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:47,763 literally any hobbies besides drinking. 112 00:05:49,444 --> 00:05:50,740 Hey, listen, do you think I could tell 113 00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:53,269 that Steven Tyler story like it's my own? 114 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:54,603 It'd really help me out. 115 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:55,896 Yeah, sure. Go ahead. 116 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:59,013 And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal, 117 00:05:59,024 --> 00:06:00,943 is Mr. Rag Doll himself, 118 00:06:01,026 --> 00:06:02,152 Steven Tyler. 119 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:04,029 Wow, what an amazing sighting! 120 00:06:04,258 --> 00:06:06,218 Can I tell that story like it's my own? 121 00:06:06,229 --> 00:06:07,230 No. 122 00:06:11,485 --> 00:06:12,694 Hey, Brian. Wait. 123 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:16,166 We literally look like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins. 124 00:06:16,262 --> 00:06:18,598 Oh, my God, this is everything! 125 00:06:21,338 --> 00:06:23,841 Oh, God. Life is funny, man. 126 00:06:23,924 --> 00:06:25,301 All right, get out of my seat. 127 00:06:25,456 --> 00:06:28,376 So, whoever is the tallest just gets to do whatever they want? 128 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:30,973 I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system. 129 00:06:31,056 --> 00:06:33,058 Okay, if that's how you want it. 130 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,019 Whaa... You said that 131 00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:36,687 knowing you were taller than me. 132 00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:39,106 Yeah. Who's a short, bald bitch now? 133 00:06:39,189 --> 00:06:40,983 You bastard! How'd you do it? 134 00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:43,736 Gardening clogs. 135 00:06:43,892 --> 00:06:45,268 Why is funny? 136 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,032 The joke is he wears normal shoes? 137 00:06:48,115 --> 00:06:49,742 I don't get it either. 138 00:06:49,825 --> 00:06:52,536 Now let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair 139 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:56,749 in a very normal way while I sing the Dutch national anthem. 140 00:07:02,657 --> 00:07:04,158 Peter, if you're gonna have a profile 141 00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,764 that can compete with the best of 'em, 142 00:07:05,841 --> 00:07:08,594 first, we need something to show that you're politically active. 143 00:07:08,677 --> 00:07:11,096 Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody. 144 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:14,266 You need to make a strong yet vague political statement. 145 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:15,768 Here, take this sign. 146 00:07:15,851 --> 00:07:17,269 "We Are Us"? 147 00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:19,647 What does that mean? Kinda just sounds like nothing. 148 00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:22,024 You think we aren't us? 149 00:07:22,107 --> 00:07:23,776 I... I... I guess not. 150 00:07:23,859 --> 00:07:26,320 You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag. 151 00:07:26,403 --> 00:07:27,821 Are those question marks? 152 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:31,075 Look who's asking the right questions. 153 00:07:31,158 --> 00:07:34,286 All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station 154 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:37,956 so the whole thing seems vaguely related to law enforcement. 155 00:07:41,877 --> 00:07:45,339 Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy. 156 00:07:45,422 --> 00:07:47,925 Let's get a picture of you holding this surfboard. 157 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,042 Now let's get one in just my swim trunks. 158 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,555 I'll simply take off this damp wet suit. 159 00:08:14,106 --> 00:08:15,191 Can you guys help me? 160 00:08:15,274 --> 00:08:19,195 Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli. 161 00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:30,259 Outdoorsy. 162 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,977 - Oh, hey, Chris. - Are you Slender Man? 163 00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:42,020 What? No, it's me, Stewie. 164 00:08:42,057 --> 00:08:45,102 I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case. 165 00:08:45,818 --> 00:08:48,140 Seems like he was going to do that regardless. 166 00:08:48,151 --> 00:08:50,821 Hey, Brian, I have something to show you! 167 00:08:50,977 --> 00:08:53,021 Oh, good. I was just looking for y... 168 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,367 - Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon? - Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon. 169 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,578 Yeah, they get real cheap after Presidents' Day. 170 00:08:57,661 --> 00:09:00,956 Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy. 171 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,126 Yeah, right. More like... more like town small fry. 172 00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:07,504 Oof. Major short king energy, Bri. 173 00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:11,175 Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it. 174 00:09:11,186 --> 00:09:13,230 - Hey! - Ah, crap. 175 00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:16,972 Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak? 176 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,183 I don't know, Bruno Mars. 177 00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:21,477 How is it not being allowed on roller coasters 178 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,646 and putting out album after album of undeniable hits? 179 00:09:28,692 --> 00:09:30,652 Time out. Time out. I can't breathe. 180 00:09:32,362 --> 00:09:34,823 Hey, boys. Out for a run? 181 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:38,285 Oh, hey. Yeah. We're just putting these bad boys to use. 182 00:09:38,368 --> 00:09:39,953 We're all about being active. 183 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:41,622 That's so awesome! 184 00:09:41,705 --> 00:09:43,373 I'm Sydney and this is Odette. 185 00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:45,292 You know, as runway fashion models, 186 00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:47,503 it's hard to find men who are tall enough for us. 187 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:51,131 Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch? 188 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,592 No way. We were literally just saying that. 189 00:09:53,675 --> 00:09:56,011 Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight. 190 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:59,014 We're going to a club that's free for us to get into but $45 for you. 191 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,308 - Oh, word? - Here's our Instagram handles. 192 00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:03,936 We both do sponsored posts but have few enough followers 193 00:10:04,019 --> 00:10:05,979 that it's confusing why anyone is paying us. 194 00:10:06,207 --> 00:10:07,375 See you later. 195 00:10:07,498 --> 00:10:09,263 Brian, do you know what this means? 196 00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:10,859 - We get to dance! - We get to have sex! 197 00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:13,237 Oh, yeah, and... and... and sex with models. 198 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,446 So dope. 199 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,701 I launched a profile with the pictures we took 200 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,203 and I ain't gotten a single match. 201 00:10:21,286 --> 00:10:22,746 And I've been messaging everyone. 202 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,207 Just to reiterate, you are married. 203 00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,042 You're right. I can't give up. 204 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,502 Maybe the app just isn't working. 205 00:10:28,585 --> 00:10:30,629 Quagmire, try sending me a test message. 206 00:10:37,052 --> 00:10:39,888 Ah, Peter, it's me! And the message just said "test". 207 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,770 There's not a single woman on here 208 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,517 who's even slightly interested in me. 209 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,893 Maybe Lois was right. 210 00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,895 I am completely undesirable. 211 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,105 She doesn't want me. 212 00:10:48,188 --> 00:10:49,314 She doesn't want me. 213 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,691 She doesn't want me. 214 00:10:50,774 --> 00:10:52,901 Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Back up to that last one. 215 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,323 Lois has a profile on a dating app? 216 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,243 Oh, my God, I have a profile on a dating app? 217 00:11:01,544 --> 00:11:03,380 Oh, boy, Peter, I think all those concussions 218 00:11:03,391 --> 00:11:04,934 over the years are starting to add up. 219 00:11:04,945 --> 00:11:06,279 Let me take you to the blue tent. 220 00:11:06,614 --> 00:11:09,501 And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent. 221 00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:12,368 That is not something that anyone wants to see. 222 00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:14,756 Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times. 223 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,551 At this point, you think someone would step in. 224 00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:18,899 And now it looks as if 225 00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:20,721 Peter has farted inside the blue tent 226 00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:24,088 and they're gonna let it air out before continuing the evaluation. 227 00:11:24,171 --> 00:11:26,465 I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim. 228 00:11:26,476 --> 00:11:29,646 Oh, boy. Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away. 229 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,899 This might be it for Peter for the night. 230 00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:34,443 Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke. 231 00:11:34,598 --> 00:11:37,268 Oh, and they're putting the pants on the cart. 232 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:38,822 They're driving him out of here. 233 00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,668 Oh, that's great. You always like to see that. 234 00:11:47,319 --> 00:11:49,822 I can't believe Lois is on a dating app. 235 00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:51,084 I don't know what to do, guys. 236 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:54,046 Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it? 237 00:11:54,129 --> 00:11:56,381 You know what, Cleveland? This might be funny to you, 238 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,008 but I have a real problem here. 239 00:11:58,091 --> 00:11:59,676 Well, you can't confront Lois directly, 240 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,095 or else she'll know you have a profile on the app too. 241 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:05,432 Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app. 242 00:12:05,588 --> 00:12:07,465 Eh, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know 243 00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:08,894 that I have an under 30 filter. 244 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:10,051 Kinda unrealistic. 245 00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:12,386 Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her 246 00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:15,150 to out herself in my own subtle manner. 247 00:12:21,103 --> 00:12:23,522 And where have you been? 248 00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:24,910 I was at the grocery store. 249 00:12:25,065 --> 00:12:27,693 How did you make it dark in here at 3:00 pm? 250 00:12:27,777 --> 00:12:31,781 Did you come home with any dates or eggplants? 251 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,460 Look, if you are craving Lebanese food, 252 00:12:33,543 --> 00:12:36,004 you have to to let me know before I go to the store. 253 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,507 Let me ask you this, when you're going number two, 254 00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,550 which way do you swipe? 255 00:12:40,706 --> 00:12:42,458 Uh, back to front? 256 00:12:42,469 --> 00:12:44,721 Oh, boy. Well, then we have two problems. 257 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,458 What's gotten into you lately? 258 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,725 That's exactly what I want to know about you! 259 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,019 Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight? 260 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,563 I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush. 261 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:56,191 Ugh. Go back to your room. You're done for the day. 262 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:57,276 Deuces! 263 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,909 Stewie, this is a dance club. 264 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:07,452 We can't dance on these things. 265 00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:10,872 Relax, Brian. Just stand in place and dance with your hands. 266 00:13:14,221 --> 00:13:17,243 So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated? 267 00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,589 No, I used to date Shaq. 268 00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:21,133 Oh, cool. Cool. 269 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,053 Y... You may not be impressed with what I'm working with. 270 00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,556 You know you can't wear underwear with this dress. 271 00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:29,766 Oh, no, did you keep the receipt? 272 00:13:33,353 --> 00:13:35,188 Oh, my God, that was amazing. 273 00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:37,983 I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan. 274 00:13:38,211 --> 00:13:39,754 'Cause you were like, "Ooh, I'm dead." 275 00:13:39,765 --> 00:13:41,767 And then you were like, "Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!" 276 00:13:41,850 --> 00:13:44,478 I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan. 277 00:13:44,489 --> 00:13:46,491 Aw, you're so sweet. 278 00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:48,493 We had such a good time with you guys tonight. 279 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:50,881 We were wondering if you'd want to meet 280 00:13:50,891 --> 00:13:54,791 up again tomorrow and have some real fun. 281 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,668 Yeah, yeah, we... we could be down. 282 00:13:56,849 --> 00:13:57,933 Cool! 283 00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:02,007 Stewie, this is amazing. Those girls want to have sex! 284 00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:05,677 Oh, hell, yeah! I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up. 285 00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,054 I can picture it now. 286 00:14:07,751 --> 00:14:09,628 What's in your sex briefcase? 287 00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:11,683 Oh, all kinds of grown up sex stuff. 288 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,147 I am so sorry. This never happens. 289 00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:22,944 I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating, 290 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,321 and she didn't tell me anything. 291 00:14:24,404 --> 00:14:26,656 Which is why I'm resorting to Plan B. 292 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:30,077 Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it. 293 00:14:30,994 --> 00:14:33,663 Derek Bandana? Peter, who is this? 294 00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:35,624 It's Chris's hot school bus driver. 295 00:14:35,635 --> 00:14:37,429 I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures, 296 00:14:37,584 --> 00:14:40,462 and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone a lot lower. 297 00:14:40,545 --> 00:14:43,632 "Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"? 298 00:14:43,715 --> 00:14:45,842 He gets drunk and then works out? 299 00:14:45,853 --> 00:14:47,646 All we gotta do now is play the waiting game 300 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,221 until Lois takes the bait. 301 00:14:50,328 --> 00:14:51,848 Oh, she swiped right. 302 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,767 - What do I do? - Ask her to dinner. 303 00:14:53,922 --> 00:14:56,717 If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can divorce her 304 00:14:56,728 --> 00:14:59,773 so she can get remarried to whichever one of your friends she wants. 305 00:15:03,283 --> 00:15:06,018 Oh, my God! Lois is cheating on me! 306 00:15:06,029 --> 00:15:09,157 Damn! Mom will open it up for anybody. 307 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,660 Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house. 308 00:15:12,577 --> 00:15:14,788 Deuces! New catchphrase. 309 00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:20,460 Are you sure we're in the right place? 310 00:15:20,544 --> 00:15:21,962 This is the address they told me. 311 00:15:22,045 --> 00:15:24,381 A little public for my taste, but I can make do. 312 00:15:24,464 --> 00:15:25,924 Let me just pay the sun bleached, 313 00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:28,677 scratched out parking meter that I can't see at all. 314 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,730 What? I can't... 315 00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:34,599 All right, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get towed. 316 00:15:35,631 --> 00:15:39,843 Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat. 317 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,499 And since we know you two are so active, 318 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,734 we want you to do our Beach Olympics. 319 00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,800 Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me 320 00:15:46,810 --> 00:15:50,407 Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy. 321 00:15:50,635 --> 00:15:51,636 Okay! 322 00:15:51,647 --> 00:15:53,232 Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea. 323 00:15:53,315 --> 00:15:55,359 Why don't we just take off the stilts and go home? 324 00:15:55,370 --> 00:15:56,558 Are you kidding me? I don't want to 325 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,445 go back to being a short, bald bitch. 326 00:15:58,456 --> 00:16:00,876 I'm about to get laid by a runway model. 327 00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,170 Right. Right. Being tall, getting laid. 328 00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,264 Was it good for you too? 329 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:17,017 Is everything okay? 330 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:20,395 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A-okay over here. Let's do this thing. 331 00:16:20,478 --> 00:16:22,606 Are you sure you don't want to change? 332 00:16:22,689 --> 00:16:24,860 No, I only ever exercise in a black wool 333 00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:26,860 duster and pleated gabardine pants. 334 00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:28,403 Awesome! Follow us. 335 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,206 Whoo! Come on, boys! 336 00:16:39,362 --> 00:16:40,571 Just race to us! 337 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,460 And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub. 338 00:16:43,471 --> 00:16:45,598 It's not our house, but anything that belongs 339 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:49,174 to rich horny guys also technically belongs to us! 340 00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:50,717 I don't think I can do this anymore. 341 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,302 Stewie, you have to push through. 342 00:16:52,385 --> 00:16:54,262 Do you know how good hot tub sex is? 343 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,224 I gotta tell you something I've never told anyone before. 344 00:16:57,974 --> 00:17:00,227 I don't think I know what sex is. 345 00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:02,312 Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you. 346 00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:05,095 I guess that makes me the tall guy. 347 00:17:05,106 --> 00:17:06,107 You son of a... 348 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,859 - Whoo! - Love it! 349 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,800 Keep going! 350 00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:34,250 Yeah! 351 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:37,973 Come on, boys! 352 00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:39,474 Whoo-hoo! 353 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,934 Whoo-hoo! 354 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:56,324 So, this whole time you were just a baby and a dog on stilts? 355 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:59,202 You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you? 356 00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:01,162 No, we are not. 357 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,708 Then I guess we are done here. 358 00:18:04,964 --> 00:18:06,365 Stewie, I'm really sorry. 359 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,421 No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls. 360 00:18:09,576 --> 00:18:10,786 Hell, I did too. 361 00:18:10,797 --> 00:18:13,258 It wasn't just that. Seeing you taller than me 362 00:18:13,341 --> 00:18:16,011 made me realize that I'll always be this height. 363 00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:18,430 But soon I'm gonna have to watch you grow up. 364 00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:22,392 I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend too. 365 00:18:22,475 --> 00:18:24,311 Oh, you just don't want to be the short one. 366 00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:25,604 Well, who does? 367 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,230 Oh, Brian, don't worry. 368 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,357 You'll always be my best friend. 369 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,238 Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on. 370 00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:40,566 Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys. 371 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,850 All right, time to catch Lois red handed. 372 00:18:51,535 --> 00:18:53,495 Well, well, well. 373 00:18:53,506 --> 00:18:56,176 I bet you weren't expecting to see me here. 374 00:18:56,259 --> 00:18:59,387 Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time. 375 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:00,889 What? How? 376 00:19:01,044 --> 00:19:03,964 You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver? 377 00:19:03,975 --> 00:19:06,645 Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses, 378 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,136 and Chris is behind him in the photo. 379 00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:10,774 And I am behind Chris. 380 00:19:10,857 --> 00:19:12,942 Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana, 381 00:19:13,098 --> 00:19:15,851 but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app. 382 00:19:15,862 --> 00:19:18,740 Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there. 383 00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:20,867 I've never swiped on anyone. 384 00:19:20,950 --> 00:19:24,663 It's just... It's nice to get attention from men. 385 00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,791 I'd never act on it, but it helps my self-esteem. 386 00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:30,001 After all, I'm not getting any younger, 387 00:19:30,012 --> 00:19:33,724 and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am. 388 00:19:33,952 --> 00:19:36,747 That's exactly why I made a profile too! 389 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,969 I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store 390 00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:43,056 that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me. 391 00:19:43,211 --> 00:19:45,130 Oh, Peter, I'm sorry. 392 00:19:45,141 --> 00:19:47,477 I never should have said those things to you. 393 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,646 And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars 394 00:19:49,729 --> 00:19:52,691 on your credit card to boost my dating app profile. 395 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:55,180 You know, maybe we should just complement 396 00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:56,986 each other once in a while, huh? 397 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:58,613 I don't know, that feels like a lot. 398 00:19:58,769 --> 00:19:59,978 What do you say? 399 00:19:59,989 --> 00:20:02,367 Delete our apps on the count of three? 400 00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:05,370 - One, two, three. - One, two, three. 401 00:20:08,696 --> 00:20:09,947 Damn it, Peter! 402 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,209 "Yes, I'm up." 403 00:20:17,413 --> 00:20:19,540 Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys. 404 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:22,512 But Lois and I made up and everything's back to normal. 405 00:20:22,595 --> 00:20:24,139 - Glad to hear it. - You got it. 406 00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:25,849 You guys are never gonna believe this. 407 00:20:25,932 --> 00:20:28,268 Steven Tyler is in the bathroom. 408 00:20:28,351 --> 00:20:31,604 Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing, 409 00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:32,731 but this is just pathetic. 410 00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:33,887 I'm serious! 411 00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,848 We're trying to have a conversation here, man. 412 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:42,240 Sorry, Steven. They didn't want to come say hi. 413 00:20:42,323 --> 00:20:44,784 For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler. 414 00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:47,829 And you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that. 415 00:20:47,912 --> 00:20:49,873 Going incognito, I like it. 416 00:20:49,956 --> 00:20:51,797 Hey, what was it like when that firework 417 00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:54,419 blasted your cornea off in '77? 418 00:20:54,574 --> 00:20:57,661 Man, I... I don't know. Probably bad. 419 00:20:57,744 --> 00:20:59,496 No kidding. 420 00:20:59,794 --> 00:21:03,131 Steven Tyler in my handicap stall. 421 00:21:06,028 --> 00:21:11,028 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -