1 00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:37,370 My apologies, Mr. Griffin. 2 00:00:37,450 --> 00:00:39,160 Dr. Hartman is still with a patient, 3 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,040 and definitely not playing Rock Band 4 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,580 through the paper-thin walls of his office right now. 5 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,710 Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug! 6 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:52,840 Aw, you dope. 7 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,050 Sorry. I was with a very sick patient. 8 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,890 You're still wearing the guitar. 9 00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:00,060 Oops. My bad. 10 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:02,100 Let's, uh, keep that off the Yelp, huh? 11 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:03,560 So you're here for a physical. 12 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,060 I'll start with a few questions. 13 00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:07,310 How many drinks would you say you have per week? 14 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,400 - Four. - Oh. 15 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,480 - Hundred. - Oh. 16 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,400 - Fifty. - Okay. You need to talk faster. 17 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,990 Now, I'm going to show you a list of the Top Ten songs on Spotify. 18 00:01:15,070 --> 00:01:17,910 Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize. 19 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,950 None. Oh, oh, wait. Oh, no, I know her. 20 00:01:20,030 --> 00:01:22,910 Uh, Dua... Dua... Duo Lingo! 21 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,210 Not sure we can accept that. 22 00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:25,710 Let's go to the Gen Z judge 23 00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,920 who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media. 24 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,260 Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond? 25 00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:35,430 Well, he's busy being sad about almonds. 26 00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:38,140 However, I can say that given your age, and embarrassing 27 00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:40,385 lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time 28 00:01:40,397 --> 00:01:42,680 I schedule you for your first colonoscopy. 29 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,980 - What the hell is that? - Here's a video of a plumber 30 00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:46,850 from Southie describing the whole thing. 31 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,400 So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose. 32 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,190 Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't. 33 00:01:51,270 --> 00:01:53,570 It's a real medical procedure. It's not gay. 34 00:01:53,650 --> 00:01:55,900 - You ever had one? - Nah. What am I, gay? 35 00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,040 - What's all that stuff? - Oh, just some forms. 36 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,200 We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter, 37 00:02:05,290 --> 00:02:06,660 and I need Mom to chaperone. 38 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:09,040 You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter, 39 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,960 - and you're not asking me? - Why? 40 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,840 So you can taunt all the German Shepherds behind bars? 41 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,420 I wouldn't do that. 42 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,470 Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging? 43 00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:19,800 Damn. Look, all I'm saying is 44 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,850 I could provide hope to those dogs in there 45 00:02:21,930 --> 00:02:24,100 who've given up by telling them my story. 46 00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:25,850 A story of inspiration, 47 00:02:25,930 --> 00:02:28,690 a story of will, a story of triumph. 48 00:02:28,770 --> 00:02:31,810 You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker. 49 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,320 A story of doing hand stuff for drugs. 50 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:41,620 I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now. 51 00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,290 Yep. My barber said I'm overdue for mine. 52 00:02:44,370 --> 00:02:46,910 - You mean your doctor? - Nope. Barber. 53 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,420 Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers, 54 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,630 and their haircut advice from their doctors. 55 00:02:51,710 --> 00:02:53,500 We're all just one guy off. 56 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:56,340 Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored 57 00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:59,300 months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away 58 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,840 to die a costly and unnecessary death? 59 00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:04,140 You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off 60 00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,890 is because, deep down, we're scared. 61 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:09,140 And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of. 62 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:11,940 All right, I'll go first. I'm mostly scared of someone 63 00:03:12,020 --> 00:03:14,520 seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener. 64 00:03:14,610 --> 00:03:16,190 That's what I'm scared of, too! 65 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,450 What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary? 66 00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:21,320 Like, what if we rented a cabin 67 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,820 and did the prep night together, 68 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:24,910 so we could be there to support one another? 69 00:03:24,990 --> 00:03:26,740 Huh, that-that would make it easier. 70 00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,370 - I'd do it. - I'd be into that. 71 00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:29,580 Great. Cleveland. 72 00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:31,620 Yep. D'Vante said it's cool. 73 00:03:31,710 --> 00:03:34,750 - I'm assuming D'Vante is... - D'Vante is my barber. Yes. 74 00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:40,260 Hi, kids. I'm Sophie. 75 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:41,800 Welcome to the animal shelter, 76 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,890 where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one. 77 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:47,210 - So let's meet... - Hi, Sophie. 78 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,810 Brian Griffin. Dog who's also pretty much a guy. 79 00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:50,980 I'll take it from here. 80 00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:53,730 Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin. 81 00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:56,900 And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours. 82 00:03:56,980 --> 00:04:00,610 Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres? 83 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,944 Well, I'm here to say that no matter 84 00:04:03,956 --> 00:04:05,910 how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan 85 00:04:05,990 --> 00:04:07,830 is making you all look in those commercials, 86 00:04:07,910 --> 00:04:10,410 there is hope and I am living proof of that. 87 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,120 Everyone moved on to the cat section 88 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,920 three seconds into whatever that was. 89 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,290 Wait, they have cats here? 90 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,250 Oh, I will not be around cats. 91 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,260 It's an animal shelter. They've got everything. 92 00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,920 They even have Diddy's pit bull. 93 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,300 Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard. 94 00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:25,800 I won't look, I won't tell nobody nothing. 95 00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:32,270 Come on, Brian, even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute. 96 00:04:32,350 --> 00:04:34,810 No! Cats are terrible, selfish creatures. 97 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,900 I mean, who poops inside? 98 00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:42,070 Oh, my God! Get it off, get it off, get it off! 99 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:46,410 Huh. 100 00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:48,870 I guess that is kind of cute. 101 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,080 You know, maybe I was wrong about cats. 102 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,210 Okay, kids, 103 00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:55,170 it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders. 104 00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:57,840 Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider 105 00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,170 until they get one home. 106 00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:00,460 Come on, Brian, we gotta go. 107 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,260 Right, let me just take this guy off my... 108 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,930 What are you doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now! 109 00:05:14,850 --> 00:05:16,150 What happened? I blacked out! 110 00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:18,520 You killed a kitten, you monster! 111 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,030 I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here. 112 00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,900 Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble. 113 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,320 Listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here. 114 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,910 Okay, let me think. There's gotta be a dumpster out back. 115 00:05:27,990 --> 00:05:29,080 We could put it in there. 116 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,700 I don't think we have another choice. 117 00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:33,450 You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil 118 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:35,040 and wake up back at home. 119 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,420 I thought you said you were gonna keep your mouth shut. 120 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,630 Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning. 121 00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:47,090 So, I'm gonna go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails. 122 00:05:47,510 --> 00:05:49,720 I made a killer diarrhea playlist. 123 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,180 Boy, you guys are gonna lose it when we're five hours in 124 00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:54,930 and Natalie Imbruglia's Torn comes on. 125 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:57,480 You got Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out on there? 126 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,900 This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal? 127 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:05,110 Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails. 128 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,700 Joe, here's your "Bum and Coke" 129 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,910 Peter, you get a "Pina Colon-ada." 130 00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:10,990 And Cleveland gets a "Gin and Deuce." 131 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,410 Laid back. 132 00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:14,370 And I made myself a "Coilermaker." 133 00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:16,660 Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes, 134 00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:18,290 bottoms very much down. 135 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,880 Oh, my God! 136 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,590 Now, I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms? 137 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,300 Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath. 138 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:33,430 - So there's not even a tub? - I call the shower! 139 00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:35,470 Why wouldn't you call the toilet first? 140 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:36,616 I don't have time to argue. 141 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,810 - I'll be in the shower! - I call the toilet. 142 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,860 I'm bagged and ready to go 24/7. 143 00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:42,440 Fine! I'll figure it out. 144 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,320 Whose blue luggage is this? 145 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,530 Peter, no! That's my Away brand luggage. 146 00:06:46,610 --> 00:06:48,030 I get compliments on that. 147 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,330 You guys look high as balls. 148 00:06:55,410 --> 00:06:56,660 Anyway, time for your results. 149 00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,080 Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear. 150 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,290 Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large. 151 00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:05,340 - Was it my penis? - It was definitely 152 00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:06,510 not your penis. 153 00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:08,380 Although, your butt is gigantic. 154 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,050 What we found was this. 155 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,850 Oh, my God, my childhood G.I. Joe. 156 00:07:15,930 --> 00:07:18,060 - That was inside his colon? - Yep. 157 00:07:18,140 --> 00:07:21,350 I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind. 158 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,860 Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars. 159 00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:26,320 He-He was kind of like the scout. 160 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,070 Did you happen to see anything like that? 161 00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,910 Oh! Never mind. I think they just came out of the mess hall. 162 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,620 Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon? 163 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:40,710 I was a kid! 164 00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:43,830 If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft. 165 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,630 You ate a G.I. Joe? 166 00:07:45,710 --> 00:07:47,760 Oh. Ar-Are we gonna play this game, Quagmire? 167 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,840 Are we gonna play the "How did objects get inside of you" game? 168 00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:52,010 Withdrawn. 169 00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:56,640 Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars 170 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,600 and it says it's worth $100,000! 171 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,890 - What? - Oh, wow. 172 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:02,270 Let me see that. 173 00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:06,150 Holy crap, it does say that. 174 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,940 Wait, I'm in your phone as "White Number Three?" 175 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,900 - What am I listed as in your phone? - Withdrawn. 176 00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:18,580 I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten. 177 00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:20,710 You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you? 178 00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:22,551 There was one water bowl for 40 dogs. I 179 00:08:22,563 --> 00:08:24,380 don't think they have money for cameras. 180 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,790 As long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine. 181 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,630 Yes. As long as I don't talk, 182 00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:30,486 - we'll be fine. - What's that supposed to mean? 183 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,720 I'm just saying my silence comes at a price. 184 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,762 And that price is the cost of an annual 185 00:08:34,774 --> 00:08:36,600 membership at the Soho House Malibu. 186 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,930 What? That's the most expensive Soho House. 187 00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:42,020 Fine. Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week. 188 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,440 And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids. 189 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,730 I will get you a sticker book of Bluey. 190 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:48,940 You, sir, have my silence. 191 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,700 Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt, 192 00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:57,580 away from the onion rings we're all eating? 193 00:08:57,660 --> 00:08:59,540 Sorry. So, what do you guys think I should do 194 00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,950 with the 100 grand I'll make from selling this thing? 195 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,620 What do you mean? We're splitting it. 196 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,120 Yeah, we each get a share of that. 197 00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,790 I never said I'd split it. He was inside me. 198 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,630 I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term. 199 00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:13,380 You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us. 200 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,090 I'm not giving you guys my money! 201 00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:17,090 We can't let him get away with this! 202 00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:19,060 I agree with "White Number Two." 203 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:27,150 Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now. 204 00:09:27,230 --> 00:09:29,980 Howdy, TikTok. I'm Mayor Wild West, 205 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,070 here today with a hat over my heart press conference. 206 00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:37,950 See, my sweet feline companion Meower West has gone missing. 207 00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,882 I was contacted by the shelter and told 208 00:09:42,894 --> 00:09:44,960 he had wandered into their facility. 209 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,330 But when I went to pick him up, he was gone. 210 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,090 Possibly kidnapped. 211 00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,300 Well, when I find out who took him, 212 00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:55,630 I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law. 213 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,930 Thank you, TikTok. 214 00:09:57,010 --> 00:09:59,050 Now, enjoy the vicious comments 215 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:03,020 on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling. 216 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:07,100 So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked. 217 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,160 Oh, my God. 218 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,540 I killed Mayor Wild West's cat. 219 00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:24,250 Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. 220 00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:25,620 You've got to get out of town. 221 00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:28,670 Luckily, I've got a "go bag," so I can leave at a moment's notice. 222 00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:29,750 Here, you take it. 223 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:32,880 - What's this? - Oh, that's a European adapter 224 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,380 for my Conair hair dryer. 225 00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,550 I think-I think you're gonna need that. 226 00:10:36,630 --> 00:10:38,010 Four pairs of boots? 227 00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:39,890 I don't know who's gonna see me twice! 228 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,060 You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy 229 00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:50,940 get in the way of your friendship with the guys, Peter. 230 00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:53,360 So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years 231 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,110 after she got the same haircut as you. 232 00:10:55,190 --> 00:10:57,070 Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch. 233 00:10:57,150 --> 00:11:01,370 I'm just saying think of all the great times you've had with the guys. 234 00:11:01,450 --> 00:11:04,450 And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks? 235 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:07,870 Fifty bucks? Lois. This thing's worth $100,000. 236 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,500 Wow. Dad's right. I just googled it. 237 00:11:10,580 --> 00:11:12,380 What? Let me see that. 238 00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:14,130 Oh, my God, Peter. 239 00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:15,300 We're gonna be rich! 240 00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:16,880 Okay, forget everything I just said. 241 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,840 Screw those guys. Your butt stuff belongs to us. 242 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,210 I'll get it. 243 00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,890 Excuse me. Are you Peter Griffin? 244 00:11:23,970 --> 00:11:25,720 - Yeah. - You've been served. 245 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,190 Those bastards are actually suing me 246 00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:30,980 for their share of the G.I. Joe. 247 00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:33,150 Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick? 248 00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:34,980 - Yes. - I'm here to serve you. 249 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,360 Wait. I just served him. 250 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:37,940 Get out of here. You're lying. 251 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,110 No, I swear to God. Sir, what did I just do? 252 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,410 - He served me. - Hey, 253 00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:42,966 I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, 254 00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:44,870 but are you ambisexual? 255 00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:46,790 - I am. - Would you like to have a drink 256 00:11:46,870 --> 00:11:50,160 and see if we can rub our way to a little jean smoke? 257 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,250 Love to. 258 00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,830 I guess it's true what they say. 259 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,460 "Every pot has a lid." 260 00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,510 Boy, they fogged up that Altima real quick. 261 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,850 Uh, what's going on? 262 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:09,350 Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court. 263 00:12:09,430 --> 00:12:10,850 Yeah, I read that letter. 264 00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:13,560 They're taking him to arbitration, not court. 265 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,060 - What? Really? - Yeah. 266 00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:18,530 And if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services. 267 00:12:18,610 --> 00:12:21,110 I've spent months studying anal salvage law. 268 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,700 You... You have? 269 00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:24,990 It started out as a fun personal project, 270 00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:27,870 but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole. 271 00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:30,200 But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago. 272 00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:31,540 Well, that's what we would call 273 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,920 a happy coincidence now, isn't it? 274 00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:40,380 Okay, Stewie. Run me through the plan one more time. 275 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,510 All right. Well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian. 276 00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:47,220 So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside. 277 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,220 So I'll distract her here at the front door. 278 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,930 You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat. 279 00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:55,100 I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems risky. 280 00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:58,770 Oh, that's the risky part? Not the high-wire improvisational act 281 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,570 I'm about to pull off with the librarian? 282 00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,650 No, I suppose that's the easy part, right? 283 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,030 Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's 284 00:13:05,110 --> 00:13:06,490 house team, Brian? 285 00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:08,080 We had to kick Brad off, by the way. 286 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,240 He did the Chinese voice on stage again. 287 00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:13,210 Ugh, whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already. 288 00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:17,710 Hello, I'm an online dating expert, 289 00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:19,380 and I'm giving one lucky person 290 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:21,510 a free Bumble profile makeover. 291 00:13:21,590 --> 00:13:23,510 May I ask how your dating life is going? 292 00:13:23,590 --> 00:13:25,220 Oh. Let's just say 293 00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:28,260 my dating life's quieter than the place I work. 294 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,520 I work in a library. 295 00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:35,440 No. Yeah, I'm aware. 296 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,350 Let's have a look at your profile, shall we? 297 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,270 Oh, sure. Let me just log in. 298 00:13:49,910 --> 00:13:51,290 All right, here you go. 299 00:13:51,370 --> 00:13:53,080 All right, we'll start with your photos. 300 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,660 We'll lose this one of you pointing 301 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,460 at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's. 302 00:13:57,540 --> 00:13:59,195 We'll also lose this one of you lying 303 00:13:59,207 --> 00:14:00,920 with your mother in her hospice bed. 304 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,300 Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard. 305 00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,180 This one of you at the beach is decent. 306 00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,568 I mean, we'd have to airbrush out 307 00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:13,180 the knee dimples, but this could work. 308 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:14,350 Let me see if I... 309 00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,440 And knee dimples be gone! 310 00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,610 Oh. 311 00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:25,150 - A match. - What? 312 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,450 Let me see that. 313 00:14:26,530 --> 00:14:28,160 A Jewish urologist? 314 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,620 Oh, I love that for you. 315 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:30,870 Let's look at his profile. 316 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:35,200 Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus. 317 00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:36,790 On a public bus. 318 00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:37,870 Let's, um... 319 00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:39,460 Let's keep looking here. 320 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,710 And I quote, "We are all in this together, no matter what." 321 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,840 That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, Your Honor. 322 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,550 Thank you, Mr. Baker. 323 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:56,980 Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative Chris Griffin, 324 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,770 who prepared for this by binge-watching Suits 325 00:14:59,850 --> 00:15:01,310 and then googling Meghan Markle, 326 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,980 and then googling Meghan Markle deepfakes. 327 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,400 Thank you. Your Boner. 328 00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:10,030 If I may direct your attention to exhibits B through M, 329 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:14,620 all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours. 330 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,660 Would the Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire 331 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,750 also lay claim to this Michelob ULTRA key fob? 332 00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:23,340 Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire 333 00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:26,550 feel justified taking home this highlighter cap? 334 00:15:26,630 --> 00:15:29,880 I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire 335 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:33,260 are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists. 336 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,060 Poop swoopers, as it were. 337 00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:38,600 I've heard more than enough. Case over. 338 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,020 Over? Who won? 339 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,350 Uh, I don't know. Him? 340 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,980 - In your face. - You've got to be kidding me. 341 00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:45,230 Yeah, that's not fair! 342 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,780 Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby. 343 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,870 Excuse me. I work for Christie's auction house, 344 00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:56,910 and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe. 345 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,540 Wow. The Christie's auction house? 346 00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:03,130 No, it's actually Chris Christie's auction house. 347 00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:07,210 We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys. 348 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,510 We actually have an auction tomorrow 349 00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:11,010 we could add you to. 350 00:16:11,090 --> 00:16:12,430 Get there early though. 351 00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:14,430 We're starting with movie props 352 00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,810 swallowed by James Spader. 353 00:16:16,890 --> 00:16:19,390 Oh, James Spader is so handsome. 354 00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:22,020 Yes. For a half hour in the late 80s, 355 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,770 he very much was. 356 00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:30,940 All right, Stewie, this is it. 357 00:16:31,030 --> 00:16:34,450 We open the cage, let the new Meower West in, and we're out of here. 358 00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:36,620 Goddamn it! 359 00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,080 Oh, Mayor West, good news. 360 00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,000 I think we found your missing cat. 361 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,050 It-It may have had a heart attack 362 00:16:49,130 --> 00:16:50,880 from the excitement of this reunion. 363 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,220 Well, I only have one question. 364 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,550 If that's my cat, 365 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,470 who's sitting over there on my couch? 366 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,430 Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is "go bag!" 367 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,600 I don't understand, but how... 368 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,690 A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him 369 00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:09,610 in a dumpster left for dead. 370 00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:13,150 Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there. 371 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,740 I'm so sorry, Mayor West. 372 00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:17,320 I acted on instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead. 373 00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:19,830 I teach all my cats to play possum, 374 00:17:19,910 --> 00:17:22,200 and I teach all my possums to play horse, 375 00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:24,580 and I teach all my horses to play cat. 376 00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:25,960 Circle of life. 377 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,210 Did you teach that one, too? 378 00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:31,880 He may have seen my online course. I don't know. 379 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,720 Now, for your punishment. 380 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,800 Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to my actions. 381 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:41,310 Six "bad boys" with "very bad boys" sprinkled in, to taste. 382 00:17:41,390 --> 00:17:43,180 Six? That's a death sentence. 383 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,390 - Bad boy! - Ow! 384 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,940 - Bad boy! - I can't breathe! 385 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:47,940 - Very bad boy! - That's worse 386 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:49,980 - Bad boy! - I'm low to the ground. 387 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,070 - Bad boy! - I can't get any lower. 388 00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,280 Very bad boy! 389 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,860 Oh, the shame! 390 00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:03,330 Eight hundred. Do I hear 900 391 00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:06,370 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep-ate off his own face? 392 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,420 Going once, going twice. 393 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,420 Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith, 394 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,205 who used to be fat and now looks 395 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,470 like he was shrunken by a witch's spell! 396 00:18:17,220 --> 00:18:18,800 Next on the auction block, 397 00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:21,470 a vintage Scout G.I. Joe with binoculars 398 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,810 removed from the colon of Peter Griffin. 399 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,810 Ah! This is it, Peter. 400 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,190 Yeah, we're gonna be rich. 401 00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:33,150 We'll start the bidding at $75,000. 402 00:18:33,230 --> 00:18:35,900 - Seventy-five! - Seventy-five! Do I hear 80? 403 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,860 - Eighty! - It's happening, Peter! 404 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,110 Eighty thousand! 405 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,200 We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence 406 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,080 excluding the food program! 407 00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:52,340 - Ninety-thousand! - Ninety! Do I hear a hundred? 408 00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:53,800 A hundred thousand! 409 00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:55,380 Whoo! 410 00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:12,900 One hundred thousand dollars, 411 00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:14,860 going once, going twice... 412 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,190 Stop the auction! 413 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,030 Peter, what the hell are you doing? 414 00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:25,990 - What is he doing? - Saving three friendships. 415 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,540 My name is Peter Griffin, 416 00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:29,500 and I've realized that no amount of money 417 00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:31,630 is worth more than great friendships. 418 00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:33,090 I guess what I'm saying is, 419 00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:35,380 life isn't about the contents of your butt, 420 00:19:35,630 --> 00:19:37,510 it's about the contents of your heart. 421 00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,800 I love you guys! 422 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,980 - I'm sorry, Lois. I... - No. 423 00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:50,690 I'm the one who's sorry. 424 00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:53,900 No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have. 425 00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:56,980 Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways. 426 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,320 But you made the right decision, Peter, 427 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,820 and I'm proud of you. 428 00:20:03,490 --> 00:20:05,910 But this story had an even happier ending, 429 00:20:05,990 --> 00:20:09,410 because 39 years later, the guys were all dead, 430 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,120 and I pooped that Joe out again 431 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,670 and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College. 432 00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:17,090 Lois gave me a hall pass, 433 00:20:17,170 --> 00:20:18,800 but I failed to achieve arousal 434 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,010 when a maybe-woman touched my slacks. 435 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,810 I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter. 436 00:20:29,890 --> 00:20:32,060 We won't make the same mistake next time. 437 00:20:32,140 --> 00:20:34,730 Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years. 438 00:20:34,810 --> 00:20:36,940 Maybe we should book that same cabin. 439 00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,570 Eh, not sure that's gonna be possible. 440 00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:39,780 The guy was pretty mad. 441 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,450 Made me send my own cleaning lady. 442 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,490 Oh, no, no, no, no. 443 00:20:54,710 --> 00:20:56,170 House no good. 444 00:20:56,670 --> 00:21:02,186 sync & corrections awaqeded www.addic7ed.com