1 00:00:36,073 --> 00:00:37,281 Hello, tech support? 2 00:00:37,282 --> 00:00:40,536 Yes, my time machine is giving me error code 17. 3 00:00:41,286 --> 00:00:44,372 No, I did not make love to a bear on it. Shh. 4 00:00:44,373 --> 00:00:47,875 But if some bear did have his world rocked on this thing, 5 00:00:47,876 --> 00:00:49,502 would that void the warranty? 6 00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:51,295 Oh, boy. Time machine trouble? 7 00:00:51,296 --> 00:00:53,673 You know there's one time machine that never breaks 8 00:00:53,674 --> 00:00:56,801 and is always ready to take you anywhere, anytime. 9 00:00:56,802 --> 00:00:57,885 A good book. 10 00:00:57,886 --> 00:01:00,179 Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe. 11 00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:03,641 I'm Brian Griffin and tonight we'll take my time machine 12 00:01:03,642 --> 00:01:05,226 to three periods in history. 13 00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:06,505 I don't know. I think he's doing, like, 14 00:01:06,515 --> 00:01:08,020 court-ordered community service. 15 00:01:08,021 --> 00:01:11,107 Let's start with the story of the French Revolution. 16 00:01:11,108 --> 00:01:13,401 The year was 1789. 17 00:01:13,402 --> 00:01:16,112 King Louis the 16th and his wife, Marie Antoinette, 18 00:01:16,113 --> 00:01:18,114 were throwing Moulin Rouge parties. 19 00:01:18,115 --> 00:01:20,157 Many of which devolved into orgies, 20 00:01:20,158 --> 00:01:23,160 covering the walls with yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja. 21 00:01:23,161 --> 00:01:24,912 More songs per minute. 22 00:01:24,913 --> 00:01:26,122 Louder songs. 23 00:01:26,123 --> 00:01:28,749 Everyone must get a Baz Luhrmann headache. 24 00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:30,377 Yes, Your Majesty. 25 00:01:30,544 --> 00:01:32,670 God, I love French dancing. 26 00:01:32,671 --> 00:01:35,423 If there's anything hotter than women standing in a line 27 00:01:35,424 --> 00:01:38,801 and kicking their legs up really high, I haven't seen it. 28 00:01:38,802 --> 00:01:40,386 Bad news, King Louis. 29 00:01:40,387 --> 00:01:42,805 - France is in massive debt. - What? 30 00:01:42,806 --> 00:01:46,475 Well, just the music clearances on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone 31 00:01:46,476 --> 00:01:48,102 are bankrupting the monarchy. 32 00:01:48,103 --> 00:01:51,105 Oh, dear. But our hardworking French laborers 33 00:01:51,106 --> 00:01:53,691 are already working up to four hours per week 34 00:01:53,692 --> 00:01:56,068 with only winter and summer off. 35 00:01:56,069 --> 00:01:57,486 Can nothing be done? 36 00:01:57,487 --> 00:02:00,156 I think we should levy a tax on the peasantry. 37 00:02:00,157 --> 00:02:01,782 No, no taxes. 38 00:02:01,783 --> 00:02:05,286 We could always cancel your VousTube premium account, 39 00:02:05,287 --> 00:02:08,080 and you can just watch regular VousTube with the ads. 40 00:02:08,081 --> 00:02:09,583 Let's do the taxes. 41 00:02:12,863 --> 00:02:15,421 Man, things sure are getting bad here in France. 42 00:02:15,422 --> 00:02:17,882 You said it. I even got laid off from my job 43 00:02:17,883 --> 00:02:20,676 pitchforking loose hay here and moving it to there. 44 00:02:20,677 --> 00:02:24,263 The whole French economy is based on slightly moving loose hay. 45 00:02:24,264 --> 00:02:25,348 Bad news, guys. 46 00:02:25,349 --> 00:02:27,808 - I'm here to collect some taxes. - What? 47 00:02:27,809 --> 00:02:30,770 The King is levying a land tax and a head tax. 48 00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:33,648 A head tax? But that could be thousands. 49 00:02:33,649 --> 00:02:35,733 Also, now there's a salt tax. 50 00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:39,779 But the head tax ends in something for which there'd be a salt tax. 51 00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:41,572 Boo! 52 00:02:41,573 --> 00:02:45,701 I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of unrest brewing here in France. 53 00:02:45,702 --> 00:02:46,786 You're right, Danton. 54 00:02:46,787 --> 00:02:49,038 We should take advantage and foment a revolution. 55 00:02:49,039 --> 00:02:50,998 - For the people. - Oh, yeah, no, for the people. 56 00:02:50,999 --> 00:02:53,459 Yeah, and definitely not for our own personal advancement 57 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:56,253 to where we go nuts with power and chop off everybody's heads 58 00:02:56,254 --> 00:02:57,546 and eventually even each other's. 59 00:02:57,547 --> 00:02:59,757 Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah. For the... For the people. 60 00:02:59,758 --> 00:03:02,927 Remember that for later, for it is foreshadowing. 61 00:03:02,928 --> 00:03:06,932 I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't only do masturbation stuff. 62 00:03:10,185 --> 00:03:11,560 Citizens of France, 63 00:03:11,561 --> 00:03:13,354 we need a revolution. 64 00:03:13,355 --> 00:03:15,606 That's right. King Louis has destroyed 65 00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:16,857 the French economy. 66 00:03:16,858 --> 00:03:18,693 Also, it'll be another couple hundred years 67 00:03:18,694 --> 00:03:20,361 before the Arab immigrants show up, 68 00:03:20,362 --> 00:03:22,530 but let's start getting angry about that now. 69 00:03:22,531 --> 00:03:25,449 These guys are making a lot of sense. 70 00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:27,785 - We do need a revolution. - Yeah. 71 00:03:27,786 --> 00:03:29,634 I can't wait for the new symbol of France 72 00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:31,372 to be a woman with her boob hanging out. 73 00:03:31,373 --> 00:03:33,916 I call dibs on waving a flag on a barricade. 74 00:03:33,917 --> 00:03:35,418 I'm kind of a barricade guy. 75 00:03:35,419 --> 00:03:39,713 The time has come to join our revolutionary club, the Jacobins. 76 00:03:39,714 --> 00:03:44,176 Can I join your Jacobin club? 'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'. 77 00:03:44,177 --> 00:03:48,431 I mean, at least four or five times a day, you'll find me jacobin'. 78 00:03:48,432 --> 00:03:52,309 I'm Chris Griffin, and I still do some masturbation stuff. 79 00:03:56,815 --> 00:03:58,732 More bad news, Your Majesty. 80 00:03:58,733 --> 00:04:00,609 Paris suffers a bread shortage. 81 00:04:00,610 --> 00:04:03,195 Oh, no. What should we do, Swedish baker? 82 00:04:03,196 --> 00:04:04,822 Let them eat cock! 83 00:04:04,823 --> 00:04:07,133 That's perfect, because France currently 84 00:04:07,143 --> 00:04:09,160 has a dangerous surplus of cake. 85 00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:11,287 Marie Antoinette, if you could tell everyone 86 00:04:11,288 --> 00:04:15,040 to get busy eating cake, that would famously help things. 87 00:04:15,041 --> 00:04:17,960 - It won't just piss people off? - Nah. They'll love it. 88 00:04:17,961 --> 00:04:19,462 Down with the King! 89 00:04:19,463 --> 00:04:21,422 And down with Marie Antoinette. 90 00:04:21,423 --> 00:04:23,507 She's not French, she's from Austria. 91 00:04:23,508 --> 00:04:24,842 Austria is our rival. 92 00:04:26,470 --> 00:04:27,762 Who are you people? 93 00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:31,140 We're a mob of unemployed losers, scapegoating a lady. 94 00:04:31,141 --> 00:04:32,767 That's when good things happen. 95 00:04:32,768 --> 00:04:35,019 To be fair, we're mad at all the French nobles, 96 00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:37,230 except that one super cool pointing guy. 97 00:04:39,232 --> 00:04:40,316 So rad. 98 00:04:40,549 --> 00:04:42,729 We, the citizens of France, hereby 99 00:04:42,739 --> 00:04:45,112 place the King and Queen under arrest. 100 00:04:45,113 --> 00:04:46,405 Let's put 'em in prison. 101 00:04:46,406 --> 00:04:49,283 Yeah, and I'm taking this magic Beauty and the Beast clock 102 00:04:49,284 --> 00:04:50,910 that comes to life and sings. 103 00:04:50,911 --> 00:04:52,578 It's just a regular clock. 104 00:04:52,579 --> 00:04:53,913 Aw. 105 00:04:53,914 --> 00:04:56,332 - Regular candlestick. - Aw. 106 00:04:59,336 --> 00:05:03,005 Welcome, citizens, to the new revolutionary regime. 107 00:05:04,591 --> 00:05:07,092 That's right. There's gonna be some changes in France. 108 00:05:07,093 --> 00:05:09,678 From now on, every time we say hello to each other, 109 00:05:09,679 --> 00:05:11,847 we will get two little kisses on the cheek. 110 00:05:11,848 --> 00:05:13,516 Little kisses for everyone. 111 00:05:13,517 --> 00:05:15,893 - All right. - Should we show them, Robespierre? 112 00:05:15,894 --> 00:05:17,686 I think they get it. You were pretty clear. 113 00:05:17,687 --> 00:05:19,730 We stand for freedom and equality. 114 00:05:19,731 --> 00:05:22,066 And we can announce this now. It is official. 115 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:24,777 There will be a season six of Emily in Paris. 116 00:05:24,778 --> 00:05:26,529 So give yourselves a big hand for that. 117 00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:28,405 You did this. Every one of you. 118 00:05:28,406 --> 00:05:32,201 Anyway, freedom and equality and civil rights for every man. 119 00:05:32,202 --> 00:05:33,661 How about rights for women? 120 00:05:33,662 --> 00:05:34,912 Nah, just dudes. 121 00:05:37,916 --> 00:05:40,918 We hereby sentence the King and Queen to death. 122 00:05:40,919 --> 00:05:42,253 Any final words? 123 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,421 - Yeah, and not the cake thing again. - Then, no. 124 00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:46,967 Please destroy the oil paintings under my mattress. 125 00:05:50,816 --> 00:05:53,068 And now for Marie Antoinette. 126 00:05:54,724 --> 00:05:56,100 What? What happened? 127 00:05:56,101 --> 00:05:57,768 Oh, boy. 128 00:05:57,769 --> 00:05:59,603 Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck 129 00:05:59,604 --> 00:06:01,438 was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop 130 00:06:01,439 --> 00:06:02,690 of South Attleboro, France. 131 00:06:02,691 --> 00:06:04,733 - Gotcha, guys. - Good one, Marie. 132 00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,694 Remember, if it ain't hon-hon-hon, 133 00:06:06,695 --> 00:06:07,987 it ain't worth Jacque. 134 00:06:07,988 --> 00:06:10,406 Okay. Brutally kill her now. 135 00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:14,076 Well, that was fun, but before you all go, 136 00:06:14,077 --> 00:06:16,787 we have a few surprise bonus executions today. 137 00:06:16,788 --> 00:06:18,789 The King's gendarme. 138 00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:20,165 That lady who yelled that thing 139 00:06:20,166 --> 00:06:21,458 at the meeting. 140 00:06:21,459 --> 00:06:23,878 J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why. 141 00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:25,796 This dude, Josh, who's the first guy 142 00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:28,966 to post a photo of a beach and write "my office for the day". 143 00:06:28,967 --> 00:06:30,801 Oh, and Danton. 144 00:06:30,802 --> 00:06:32,344 What? Oh, you bitch! 145 00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:33,804 I was gonna do this to you. 146 00:06:33,805 --> 00:06:36,599 This is awesome. And the best thing is 147 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,601 that it'll for sure never happen to me. 148 00:06:39,978 --> 00:06:42,438 Uh, I know I wanted to be "head" of state, 149 00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:44,607 but this is... Oh, my brain's stopping. 150 00:06:44,608 --> 00:06:46,650 I can't believe we did the whole French Revolution, 151 00:06:46,651 --> 00:06:48,861 and not even a single song from Les Mis. 152 00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:51,488 Les Mis is set during the Rebellion of 1832, 153 00:06:51,489 --> 00:06:53,657 not the French revolution of 1789. 154 00:06:53,658 --> 00:06:55,285 Oh, that's stupid. 155 00:07:00,832 --> 00:07:03,751 Damn it, Meg, I told you to stop taking my jog bras. 156 00:07:03,752 --> 00:07:04,835 I haven't. 157 00:07:04,836 --> 00:07:07,630 Well, they're missing. And there's no other explanation. 158 00:07:07,631 --> 00:07:10,382 Look, you both need to stop counting your bras. 159 00:07:10,383 --> 00:07:12,384 It's not important where they went. 160 00:07:12,385 --> 00:07:14,470 Sometimes families have conflicts. 161 00:07:14,471 --> 00:07:17,014 But did you know that at one point in U.S. history, 162 00:07:17,015 --> 00:07:19,683 family members actually went to war with each other? 163 00:07:19,684 --> 00:07:21,226 What? What... What is this? 164 00:07:21,227 --> 00:07:22,605 It's community service. He got arrested 165 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:24,188 for something. What did you do, Brian? 166 00:07:24,189 --> 00:07:26,357 Let's take our next historical journey. 167 00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:29,234 I heard he got caught stealing mobile orders at Starbucks. 168 00:07:29,235 --> 00:07:31,862 Does he look like his name is Rasheed? 169 00:07:31,863 --> 00:07:35,366 Uh, our... Our historical journey to the year 1861. 170 00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:39,078 They're going to remember what Rasheed looks like, Brian. 171 00:07:39,079 --> 00:07:43,332 It was 1861 when America was inaugurating a new president. 172 00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:47,336 I, President Abraham Lincoln, vow that I will have an open mind. 173 00:07:47,337 --> 00:07:51,048 The back of my mind in particular will be very open and exposed. 174 00:07:51,049 --> 00:07:52,883 That's also foreshadowing. 175 00:07:52,884 --> 00:07:54,677 Brian said I could keep helping out. 176 00:07:54,678 --> 00:07:56,512 I'm grateful that you elected me. 177 00:07:56,513 --> 00:07:59,723 And right away, I want to apologize for my mentally ill wife. 178 00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:01,225 What the hell? 179 00:08:01,226 --> 00:08:05,396 My nickname will be honest-about everything... except-that-one-thing Abe. 180 00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:07,231 That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe. 181 00:08:07,232 --> 00:08:09,358 - You can call me either one. - Yeah, right. 182 00:08:09,359 --> 00:08:11,527 She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged. 183 00:08:11,528 --> 00:08:14,697 Anyway, I predict that America's got good times ahead. 184 00:08:14,698 --> 00:08:17,950 So long as our map doesn't have a bunch of arrows and explosions. 185 00:08:17,951 --> 00:08:19,351 But America did have 186 00:08:19,361 --> 00:08:21,620 a bunch of arrows and explosions, 187 00:08:21,621 --> 00:08:24,331 and narrations by voices like this. 188 00:08:24,332 --> 00:08:27,876 Also slow fiddle music, which I have to play myself, 189 00:08:27,877 --> 00:08:31,714 because we blew our whole music budget on the Moulin Rouge stuff. 190 00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:36,260 I did this on America's Got Talent 191 00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:40,097 and Howie Mandel made wisecracks at my expense. 192 00:08:40,098 --> 00:08:45,185 Anyway, war had come, and 600,000 brave mustaches 193 00:08:45,186 --> 00:08:49,106 would be lost, as brother marched off to fight brother. 194 00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:56,155 Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail, and they sent one of each. 195 00:08:56,156 --> 00:08:57,239 Weird. 196 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,574 Yeah, the gray ones are from Louis Vuitton, 197 00:08:58,575 --> 00:09:01,119 and the blue ones are from TJ Maxx, so... 198 00:09:01,703 --> 00:09:03,328 That's fine. I'll be Union. 199 00:09:03,329 --> 00:09:06,582 Cool. I like the gray because it matches all the dead guys everywhere. 200 00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:09,669 Wish me luck. I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run. 201 00:09:10,545 --> 00:09:12,921 So that sucked. Ah, well, the good news is, 202 00:09:12,922 --> 00:09:14,256 I'm staying at Bull Run, 203 00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:17,093 and there's no way there'll be a whole second battle there. 204 00:09:18,011 --> 00:09:19,888 You're not gonna frickin' believe it. 205 00:09:22,974 --> 00:09:26,018 The arrows and explosions are getting closer to D.C. 206 00:09:26,019 --> 00:09:27,811 We're not gonna be able to save the Union. 207 00:09:27,812 --> 00:09:30,355 Maybe instead of fighting to save the Union, 208 00:09:30,356 --> 00:09:33,025 we should be fighting to end the evils of slavery 209 00:09:33,026 --> 00:09:35,235 and ensure freedom for all Americans? 210 00:09:35,236 --> 00:09:36,528 All right, I'm putting you in a home. 211 00:09:36,529 --> 00:09:38,238 This is why I sleep with guys. 212 00:09:38,239 --> 00:09:39,907 I, too, believe the aim of the war 213 00:09:39,908 --> 00:09:43,035 should be to free the slaves and make all Americans equal. 214 00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:44,411 Thank you, Frederick Douglass. 215 00:09:44,412 --> 00:09:46,580 You're right. Black men should be free. 216 00:09:46,581 --> 00:09:48,332 That's what I'm talking about. 217 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:50,542 And sent up to the front line as soldiers. 218 00:09:50,543 --> 00:09:52,044 - Say what now? - Don't worry. 219 00:09:52,045 --> 00:09:54,546 You're in good hands with General Ulysses S. Grant, 220 00:09:54,547 --> 00:09:57,133 America's most strategically gifted alcoholic. 221 00:09:57,675 --> 00:10:00,344 The... The South keeps looking at me. 222 00:10:00,345 --> 00:10:03,972 I swear to God, if the South looks at me one more time, 223 00:10:03,973 --> 00:10:06,100 - I'm going down there... - No, no, no, no. Be cool, man. 224 00:10:06,101 --> 00:10:08,102 You think you're better than me, South? 225 00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:09,978 Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate 226 00:10:09,979 --> 00:10:11,605 on our most important objective. 227 00:10:11,606 --> 00:10:14,108 Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. 228 00:10:14,109 --> 00:10:16,652 Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fence posts? 229 00:10:16,653 --> 00:10:19,656 Gettysburg is a cultural and economic metropolis. 230 00:10:19,823 --> 00:10:24,118 Sacrifice every last man, if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A. 231 00:10:24,119 --> 00:10:26,829 But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks. 232 00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:29,456 If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. 233 00:10:29,457 --> 00:10:32,251 Gettysburg, everyone must die to save it. 234 00:10:32,252 --> 00:10:34,711 There's literally, like, eight people in the whole town. 235 00:10:34,712 --> 00:10:36,046 We're not gonna argue this further! 236 00:10:36,047 --> 00:10:38,423 I'm late for my cuddle nap with Joshua Speed, 237 00:10:38,424 --> 00:10:40,009 who everyone should go ahead and Google. 238 00:10:41,636 --> 00:10:43,053 - This is fine. - It's fine. 239 00:10:43,054 --> 00:10:44,972 I just can't afford my own mattress is all. 240 00:10:44,973 --> 00:10:48,935 Mattresses cost, like, a billion dollars, 'cause it's olden times. 241 00:10:54,023 --> 00:10:56,275 This conflict keeps dragging on, am I right? 242 00:10:56,276 --> 00:10:58,402 I tell you, you put the Civil War on ABC, 243 00:10:58,403 --> 00:11:00,320 it'll be canceled in 13 weeks. 244 00:11:00,321 --> 00:11:03,574 Now, that Confederate recruit we saw earlier, 245 00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:07,035 he went on to be a stage actor, based in D.C. 246 00:11:07,036 --> 00:11:09,246 So clearly, his career sucked. 247 00:11:09,247 --> 00:11:12,040 But then he booked the Gettysburg cemetery gig. 248 00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:15,460 Finally, the big break for John Wilkes Booth. 249 00:11:15,461 --> 00:11:17,212 Civil War saves 70 slaves. 250 00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:20,841 - Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil war... - Excuse me, Mr. Booth? 251 00:11:20,842 --> 00:11:22,885 Ah, yes, that is how I'm listed in the program. 252 00:11:22,886 --> 00:11:24,887 But I was hoping to use my full name, 253 00:11:24,888 --> 00:11:26,930 John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos. 254 00:11:26,931 --> 00:11:30,184 - Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you. - What? Why? 255 00:11:30,185 --> 00:11:31,685 President Lincoln just showed up. 256 00:11:31,686 --> 00:11:33,687 He wants to workshop some new material. 257 00:11:34,939 --> 00:11:38,233 Okay, so "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 258 00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:39,526 Wait, wait. What... What's that mean? 259 00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:40,944 A score is 20 years. 260 00:11:40,945 --> 00:11:42,696 So just say 87 years ago. 261 00:11:42,697 --> 00:11:43,780 I like it this way. 262 00:11:43,781 --> 00:11:45,699 You're gonna lose everybody from the first line. 263 00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,284 They're all doing math in their heads. 264 00:11:47,285 --> 00:11:48,535 - It's fine. - It's not fine. 265 00:11:48,536 --> 00:11:49,786 You're here to boost morale. 266 00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:51,167 This is like the opposite. You're giving 267 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,373 them algebra homework. Here, try this. 268 00:11:53,374 --> 00:11:57,085 "Sorry, I got here late. I couldn't find the Gettysburg address." 269 00:11:59,088 --> 00:12:00,214 Yeah. I don't know. 270 00:12:00,215 --> 00:12:01,667 Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with 271 00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,592 a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em. 272 00:12:03,593 --> 00:12:05,010 Hey, hey, bub. 273 00:12:05,011 --> 00:12:06,637 You can't just go bumping people. 274 00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:08,264 I... I don't know what you're talking about. 275 00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:10,599 Forget him. He's just some butt-hurt actor. 276 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,601 Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry. 277 00:12:12,602 --> 00:12:13,852 I respect actors. 278 00:12:13,853 --> 00:12:16,063 - How about you give me a headshot? - Foreshadowing. 279 00:12:16,064 --> 00:12:18,357 Now let's have a big hand for Abe Lincoln. 280 00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:19,441 Thanks, Bob. 281 00:12:19,442 --> 00:12:22,236 Now, I understand Mary Todd's here today, 'cause we all know 282 00:12:22,237 --> 00:12:24,196 Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his beard. 283 00:12:24,197 --> 00:12:25,906 Oh, Bob. 284 00:12:26,284 --> 00:12:28,585 Finally, in 1865, 285 00:12:28,595 --> 00:12:31,370 the southern capital of Richmond fell. 286 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,271 War is over, Grant. You've got to go to 287 00:12:33,281 --> 00:12:35,082 Appomattox and meet the Southern leader. 288 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:36,625 - You know the guy? - General Lee. 289 00:12:36,626 --> 00:12:38,293 All right, do some research on him first. 290 00:12:38,294 --> 00:12:40,671 Oh, I know the guy backwards and forwards. General Lee. 291 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,506 Right. But I need you to know him specifically. 292 00:12:42,507 --> 00:12:44,299 I do know him specifically, General Lee. 293 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,801 - I... Look, you know the guy? - Yep. 294 00:12:45,802 --> 00:12:46,927 - You know him generally? - Yep. 295 00:12:46,928 --> 00:12:48,428 You got to know him more than generally. 296 00:12:48,429 --> 00:12:49,554 Know who more than General Lee? 297 00:12:49,555 --> 00:12:51,431 The Southern leader. The guy you know generally. 298 00:12:51,432 --> 00:12:53,392 That's right. I do know him, very well. General Lee. 299 00:12:53,393 --> 00:12:55,310 - I... That's the problem. - What's the problem? 300 00:12:55,311 --> 00:12:56,520 You say you know him generally. 301 00:12:56,521 --> 00:12:58,647 - I do. - I need you to be an expert on the guy. 302 00:12:58,648 --> 00:13:00,274 - I am an expert on him. - Are you just... 303 00:13:00,275 --> 00:13:02,484 I'm friends with the guy. We fought in the Mexican War together. 304 00:13:02,485 --> 00:13:03,819 I studied his every move. 305 00:13:03,820 --> 00:13:06,280 There is no one on the planet who knows him better than I do. 306 00:13:06,281 --> 00:13:09,199 Okay, just to be sure, you are an expert on the Southern leader. 307 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,325 Completely. Totally. 308 00:13:10,326 --> 00:13:11,743 Absolutely. General Lee. 309 00:13:11,744 --> 00:13:13,662 But... 310 00:13:13,663 --> 00:13:16,790 In our nation, it was a difficult time politically. 311 00:13:16,791 --> 00:13:19,043 But a simpler time, comedically. 312 00:13:19,585 --> 00:13:22,671 The fighting was done, and no more would Americans 313 00:13:22,672 --> 00:13:26,883 wage civil war until 2028, probably. 314 00:13:26,884 --> 00:13:29,636 But this story ends on a theater balcony 315 00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:32,139 with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln. 316 00:13:32,140 --> 00:13:34,474 Hey, how about you just go by Mary Lincoln, huh? 317 00:13:34,475 --> 00:13:36,310 But Todd is my family name. 318 00:13:36,311 --> 00:13:38,312 I... I keep it to honor my heritage. 319 00:13:38,313 --> 00:13:41,023 Demented. Somebody call the man with the big net. 320 00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:43,359 That's the latest in mental health technology. 321 00:13:47,155 --> 00:13:50,115 Lincoln was dead, and Booth would shout the motto 322 00:13:50,116 --> 00:13:52,576 that has become etched in history. 323 00:13:52,577 --> 00:13:54,244 Did I do that? 324 00:13:56,122 --> 00:13:57,789 Lincoln's assassination was filmed 325 00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,917 in front of a live studio audience. 326 00:14:05,006 --> 00:14:06,965 Hey, did you guys notice that the final Dilbert 327 00:14:06,966 --> 00:14:08,965 is just Dilbert checking people's 328 00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:10,427 genitals outside the ladies' restroom? 329 00:14:10,428 --> 00:14:12,429 Office stuff. 330 00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:14,056 Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke. 331 00:14:14,057 --> 00:14:15,348 Well, here's a joke for you. 332 00:14:15,349 --> 00:14:17,726 Six million Jews, gypsies, communists 333 00:14:17,727 --> 00:14:20,353 and intellectuals are loaded onto a train car. 334 00:14:20,354 --> 00:14:22,939 Only this joke actually happened. 335 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:24,024 How is that a joke? 336 00:14:24,025 --> 00:14:25,734 He's doing his community service. 337 00:14:25,735 --> 00:14:28,320 He attacked one of them grocery robots or something. 338 00:14:28,321 --> 00:14:32,199 The year is 1939, and war has come to Europe. 339 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,077 Well, the arrows and explosions are back. 340 00:14:35,078 --> 00:14:38,455 Also, I'm back, on account of I've been getting a lot better 341 00:14:38,456 --> 00:14:40,373 on the fiddle since the last time. 342 00:14:41,459 --> 00:14:42,751 Not bad, right? 343 00:14:42,752 --> 00:14:46,046 You'd be surprised how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube. 344 00:14:46,047 --> 00:14:48,381 Hey, play Mumford and Sons. 345 00:14:48,382 --> 00:14:50,175 I'm not playing that. 346 00:14:50,603 --> 00:14:52,213 Pretty soon, the Brits were forced 347 00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:54,429 to seek cover in their subway system. 348 00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:55,889 What they call "the Tube". 349 00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:59,267 Eating French fries. Of course, they call them chips. 350 00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:00,811 Truck is a lorry. 351 00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,063 Let's see. What else? 352 00:15:02,772 --> 00:15:04,064 Weird little country. 353 00:15:04,065 --> 00:15:05,232 Hello, Franklin? 354 00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:07,067 President Roosevelt, can you hear me? 355 00:15:07,068 --> 00:15:09,486 Churchill, how's things in England? Good? 356 00:15:09,487 --> 00:15:12,489 No, it's awful. We're getting bombed by the Nazis over here. 357 00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,991 They're blitzkrieging through Europe. They took Paris. 358 00:15:14,992 --> 00:15:16,368 Oh, no, not Paris! 359 00:15:16,369 --> 00:15:18,412 Please tell me the pointing guy is okay. 360 00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,789 I love that guy. 361 00:15:20,790 --> 00:15:22,332 Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin? 362 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:24,334 Uh, you caught me at a bad time, Churchill. 363 00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:26,837 It's me and Eleanor's date night. 364 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,421 Eleanor, where are you going? 365 00:15:28,422 --> 00:15:30,215 Me and the girls are gonna go play lacrosse, 366 00:15:30,216 --> 00:15:32,844 and then just jab our thumbs wherever. 367 00:15:33,553 --> 00:15:37,639 That Eleanor sure loves hanging out with her lady pals. 368 00:15:40,226 --> 00:15:41,893 FDR may not help us. 369 00:15:41,894 --> 00:15:44,229 And I heard Russia is signing a pact with Hitler. 370 00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:47,065 So, as my top general, I need you to go to Moscow, 371 00:15:47,066 --> 00:15:49,401 find their leader and figure out how to prevent this. 372 00:15:49,402 --> 00:15:51,945 Don't worry, sir, I will. And I'll stop Stalin. 373 00:15:51,946 --> 00:15:53,905 Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your departure, 374 00:15:53,906 --> 00:15:55,366 but do you have a plan for when you get there? 375 00:15:55,491 --> 00:15:57,868 - Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin. - And what is it? 376 00:15:57,869 --> 00:16:00,287 - How is that a plan? - I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin. 377 00:16:00,288 --> 00:16:01,830 Of course, I want you to stop stallin'. 378 00:16:01,831 --> 00:16:03,331 This is a grave and important matter. 379 00:16:03,332 --> 00:16:05,208 - So, then we do agree on the plan. - Which is? 380 00:16:05,209 --> 00:16:08,920 - To stop Stalin. - But... 381 00:16:08,921 --> 00:16:12,966 Comedically, World War II was also a simpler time. 382 00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:17,053 Turns out, America's efforts to stay out of the fracas came to naught 383 00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:19,556 once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. 384 00:16:19,557 --> 00:16:22,058 "December 7th, 1941, 385 00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:25,145 "a date that I probably knew was coming but allowed to happen." 386 00:16:25,146 --> 00:16:28,899 I mean, "A date which will live in infamy, the United States of..." 387 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,901 Girls, you don't know anything about power tools. 388 00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:32,277 - You're totally wrong. - What? 389 00:16:32,278 --> 00:16:33,987 - What's going on? - It's your wife and her friends. 390 00:16:33,988 --> 00:16:36,448 They're arguing over power tool brands again. 391 00:16:36,449 --> 00:16:38,116 - Dewalt. - Ryobi. 392 00:16:38,117 --> 00:16:41,119 Girls and their construction equipment, huh? 393 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,992 Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it 394 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,332 down while I'm doing radio to America? 395 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,499 This is fine. 396 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:49,169 - It's fine. - Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals 397 00:16:49,170 --> 00:16:51,880 move into the White House with them, which I did for real. 398 00:16:51,881 --> 00:16:54,257 - Super normal. - Ryobi. 399 00:16:56,761 --> 00:17:00,722 Gentlemen, we're here to plan an amphibious assault on Normandy. 400 00:17:00,723 --> 00:17:02,183 Stay on target. 401 00:17:02,725 --> 00:17:04,601 Almost there. 402 00:17:04,602 --> 00:17:06,269 Stay on target. 403 00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:08,563 Private Ryan, you've switched off your targeting computer. 404 00:17:08,564 --> 00:17:09,648 What's wrong? 405 00:17:09,649 --> 00:17:12,484 Use The Force, Matt Damon. 406 00:17:12,485 --> 00:17:14,444 Cut it out, guys. This is important. 407 00:17:14,445 --> 00:17:16,780 - Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question. - Yeah? 408 00:17:16,781 --> 00:17:19,115 Is there toilets inside of tanks? 409 00:17:19,116 --> 00:17:20,283 I mean, there has to be, right? 410 00:17:20,284 --> 00:17:23,328 They're not gonna stop the war just to let a guy take a crap. 411 00:17:23,329 --> 00:17:25,163 I think they just go right in the barrel 412 00:17:25,164 --> 00:17:27,123 and then the next shot is like a poopy shot. 413 00:17:27,124 --> 00:17:28,333 Can we please focus? 414 00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:32,796 We're focusing. We are laser focused on planning for... "Diday". 415 00:17:32,797 --> 00:17:34,965 I think we're calling it "D-Day". 416 00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:37,425 Oh, okay, see? I'm already learning stuff. 417 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,026 FDR beat the Germans, 418 00:19:18,027 --> 00:19:20,488 but he wouldn't live to see victory in the Pacific. 419 00:19:20,946 --> 00:19:23,698 For that, the torch was passed to Harry Truman. 420 00:19:23,699 --> 00:19:26,993 Listen, Harry. Hirohito wants to surrender. 421 00:19:26,994 --> 00:19:29,287 It's time to go make peace with Japan. 422 00:19:29,288 --> 00:19:31,706 Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima. 423 00:19:31,707 --> 00:19:34,167 No, no, no, no. They're ready to surrender. 424 00:19:34,168 --> 00:19:36,670 - You need to make peace with Japan. - Okay. 425 00:19:36,671 --> 00:19:38,380 Good. Now repeat it back to me. 426 00:19:38,381 --> 00:19:41,132 Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in Japan. 427 00:19:41,133 --> 00:19:43,051 No, Japan wants to surrender! 428 00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:44,636 Make peace with Japan. 429 00:19:44,637 --> 00:19:45,929 Right. And nuke Hiroshima. 430 00:19:45,930 --> 00:19:47,514 No, no, no, no! 431 00:19:47,515 --> 00:19:49,057 And et cetera. 432 00:19:49,058 --> 00:19:50,558 Due to wartime rationing, 433 00:19:50,559 --> 00:19:54,729 we've had to keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from 2007. 434 00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,712 Thanks for doing your part to make sure 435 00:19:56,722 --> 00:19:58,692 all the fresh new jokes are safe 436 00:19:58,693 --> 00:20:00,568 for our troops overseas. 437 00:20:00,569 --> 00:20:03,863 Eventually, Japan did surrender. 438 00:20:03,864 --> 00:20:07,409 Don't worry too much about why. The war was over. 439 00:20:07,410 --> 00:20:13,331 At last, America can celebrate with lots of non-consensual kissing. 440 00:20:13,332 --> 00:20:15,459 Don't worry. Your husband will never find out. 441 00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:22,049 Lunch with the girls, huh? Susan, probably? 442 00:20:27,388 --> 00:20:29,973 Well, that does it for today's history adventure. 443 00:20:29,974 --> 00:20:33,059 I hope you have a new appreciation for the joys, follies, 444 00:20:33,060 --> 00:20:36,021 and heartaches that comprise our shared human story. 445 00:20:36,605 --> 00:20:39,983 Also, you might receive an email from the Quahog County Courthouse 446 00:20:39,984 --> 00:20:43,403 confirming that I provided volunteer educational services. 447 00:20:43,404 --> 00:20:45,363 If you could just go ahead and click the link and fill out 448 00:20:45,364 --> 00:20:47,575 the short web form, I'd really appreciate it. 449 00:20:50,327 --> 00:20:53,079 So, turns out you can legally buy Jenna Ortega 450 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,622 as many new bed sheets as you want, 451 00:20:54,623 --> 00:20:56,833 you just can't deliver them in person. 452 00:20:56,834 --> 00:20:59,377 So we all learned something this week. 453 00:20:59,378 --> 00:21:00,463 Sleep tight, Jenna. 454 00:21:04,276 --> 00:21:09,276 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -