1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,000 Something wasn't right. 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,480 What the fuck! 3 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,720 The priest is quite hot. So hot. 4 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:14,920 Peace be with you. Yeah, you too, thank you. 5 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:17,560 Peace be with you. And also with you. 6 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,600 Peace be with you. And also with you. 7 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,680 Peace be with you. 8 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:21,720 Peace be with you. 9 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,640 Peace be with you. And also with you. 10 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,560 Peace be with you. And also with you. 11 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:26,600 Let us pray. 12 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:39,280 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, 13 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,960 thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven. 14 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:49,760 Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, 15 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,760 as we forgive those who trespass against us 16 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,480 and lead us not into temptation, 17 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,200 but deliver us from evil. 18 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,080 Amen. 19 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,040 Please be seated. 20 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,520 And also with you. 21 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:26,400 Erm... Sorry, er, yes, today's... 22 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,000 Erm... Today's notices. 23 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:36,440 There's a raffle at tomorrow's fete to raise funds for the, er... 24 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,800 Sorry... The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes. 25 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,200 Er, congratulations to St Ethelred's Football Club. 26 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,760 Woo! 27 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,080 Three one victory. 28 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,440 Er, next Friday is a first Friday and I'm going to be 29 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,640 making my usual sick calls to the housebound with the Eucharist 30 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,560 and, finally, on Thursday I'm going to begin Holy Communion 31 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,400 preparation classes and there are more details of that 32 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,720 in the parish newsletter, along with my latest review. 33 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,600 That's all, folks. 34 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,680 Er, please stand for God's blessing. 35 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,480 Thanks so much. Thank you, Father. All the best. See you next week. 36 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,640 All the best. 37 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,680 Really good one, Father. Nice to see you, Gina. 38 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,480 Loved the story about your eye. 39 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,600 Off you go. Give my regards to those budgies. 40 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,800 Hello. Hi. 41 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,400 This is lovely. Oh, thank you. Thank you. 42 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,920 I thought you'd be in prison by now. 43 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:32,240 Ah, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me. 44 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,240 I'm sorry about your eye. Oh, that's OK. 45 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,680 Gives me some edge. 46 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,600 I've told them some heroic bullshit. 47 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:38,720 Erm... Bless you, Sandy. 48 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,640 Thank you, Father. Bless you. 49 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,520 Thank you, Father. Thank you. Bye. 50 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,200 Bye now. Have a nice day. God bless you. 51 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,320 Bye. See you next week. Bless you. 52 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,600 I just wanted to pay you back for dinner... Oh, no! 53 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,240 Because I... Thank you, honestly. 54 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,000 It'll have to be in instalments... I don't want it. I don't want it. 55 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,240 I've got no pockets. Please... Honestly, thank you. 56 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,720 Nah-ah! 57 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,560 I'm going to knife the candles, Father. They're a bit clogged up. 58 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:01,840 OK, Pam. Yeah. 59 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,440 Well, the hair dryer's in the, in the wonky drawer... 60 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,240 Under the wonky drawer. Yes, I know. 61 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,640 Hello, love. Hi. 62 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,400 Oh, is that for the collection? How sweet. So kind. 63 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,440 Thank you. 64 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,120 That's Pam. 65 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,160 Do you like tea? 66 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,000 Jesus. 67 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,960 Tea! Great. 68 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,520 I don't want boast, but I make a cracking... 69 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,320 Oh! Bastard! Sorry. Oh! 70 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,080 Bastard! Erm... Let me just get this. 71 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,720 Oh, dear. Oh, is that holy? 72 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,600 A bit less than it was before. 73 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,320 Shit. Er.. Oh, well. 74 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,800 He'll understand. He's an understanding sort. 75 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,360 There you go. 76 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,920 Sorry about all the tat. 77 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,720 It's for a fundraiser garden party thing tomorrow. 78 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,600 So much stuff, absolutely no staff. 79 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,320 You can volunteer if you want. Oh... 80 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,400 I'm only joking. Oh. 81 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,080 You've probably got a life. 82 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,400 What's the time? Erm... 83 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,280 Do you want a proper drink? I've got cans of G&T. 84 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,920 From M&S. 85 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,800 Well, it's... I will if you will. 86 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,720 OK. 87 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,120 OK. 88 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,920 Thanks. 89 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,200 So, you're a cool priest, are you? A cool priest? Yeah. 90 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,760 No. I'm a big reader with no friends. Are you a cool person? 91 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,920 I'm a pretty normal person. A normal person? 92 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,320 Yeah, a normal person. What makes you a normal person? 93 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,920 Well, I don't believe in God... 94 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,960 I love it when He does that. 95 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,280 So, you were in my prayers last night. Likewise. 96 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,680 I'm sorry for your loss. 97 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,360 What? 98 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,640 Your baby. 99 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,040 Oh! Yeah, thank you. 100 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,320 Thank you. Yes, I er... 101 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,560 Thank you. 102 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,320 Is the father all right? 103 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,280 Well, he doesn't really... 104 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:37,840 .. exist. 105 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,920 I understand. 106 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:49,040 The funeral liturgy says that life is changed, not ended. 107 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,680 I've always loved that, if that's of any help. 108 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,320 Oh, well, thank you very much, but I really am an atheist. 109 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,800 Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible. 110 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,480 New sermon? 111 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,200 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's... I write, er... 112 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,640 ..restaurant reviews for the parish magazine 113 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,760 and I was just finishing up the last one. 114 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,000 I actually just came up with a really good title. 115 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,240 Ah, what is it? 116 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,440 No. What? No, it's not cool. 117 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:18,840 Well, neither are we, so... 118 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,200 "I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert." 119 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,840 Oh, God, I fancy a priest. 120 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,200 There you go. 121 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,720 Hey. 122 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:13,600 Are you having an event? 123 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,960 No. 124 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,640 Why are there so many people here? 125 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,800 Well, it's just successful, I guess. 126 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,200 Why is everyone talking to each other? 127 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,560 Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday. 128 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:23,600 If you buy something, 129 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,240 you have to have a chat with someone you don't know. What? 130 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,120 Loneliness pays. 131 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,680 Listen, can we... 132 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:30,720 Sure. 133 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,400 I know you and I haven't... Have you had a check-up? 134 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,880 Yes, it's fine. It's really not a big deal. 135 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,880 It happens all the time... Hello! No. Where you from? 136 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,000 I'm not... This isn't... I'm not part of this. 137 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,280 I shouldn't have to... I don't want to tell you that. 138 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,920 No. Sorry. No. 139 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,120 Tooting. 140 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,800 She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe. 141 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,800 Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. 142 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,520 Does Martin know? 143 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,760 You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12... 144 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,080 Well, you can tell the father. I just haven't told him. 145 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,440 OK, but what does he know? I don't want to talk about it, OK? 146 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,640 And I never want anyone to know about it. You have it. 147 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,600 You're better at dealing with awful things. I don't want it. 148 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:16,280 Well, you took it, now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it. 149 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,000 What? 150 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,760 They're some pretty funky trainers. 151 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,360 I said I'm fine. 152 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,280 I just really, really don't want anyone to make 153 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,520 a big deal out of this, OK? 154 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,720 Brutal. 155 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,080 Just brutal. 156 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,760 You must feel rotten. 157 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,320 Do you feel rotten? 158 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,320 I'd rather not talk about it if that's OK. 159 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,520 Of course, darling. Come on up. 160 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,400 Claire get the door, for God's sake. 161 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,040 Did you know who the father was? 162 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,560 Erm, I'd rather not talk about it if that's OK. 163 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,000 No, of course, darling. 164 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,200 I've got a set up I'm very excited about. 165 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,920 It's going to be very striking. Cool. 166 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,280 So, Claire, if you just sit here. 167 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,640 That's lovely 168 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:59,080 And, darling, just beside her like that. 169 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,520 Lovely. 170 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,760 Actually, if you could just... 171 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,480 That's it, that's it. 172 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:05,840 Just a bit. 173 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,080 Bit more. 174 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,480 There, perfect. 175 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,760 Gorgeous, yes. 176 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,960 Sorry, no, if you could just... 177 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960 That's it. thank you, darling. 178 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,040 So, erm... 179 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,280 She can't not talk about it. 180 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,360 You know, I have six friends... A lie. 181 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,720 .. who've had miscarriages. 182 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,000 Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards, 183 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,120 but the sixth one did and rather regretted it, 184 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,240 so I think you've probably done the right thing. 185 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,400 Thank you. 186 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,920 Did you never want them? 187 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,560 Oh, I'm still thinking about it. 188 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,560 Is Dad here? I texted him, but... 189 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,360 Oh, I saw that. Oh, so he is here? 190 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,720 Sorry, no, I've got his phone today. 191 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,400 I love that colour. 192 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,440 Which one? 193 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,560 That one. 194 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,560 Oh, that's three colours. 195 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,800 Right. I'm getting rid of it. 196 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,760 But it was quite an adventure painting. 197 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,680 I had an orgasm as I finished it. 198 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,160 Well, let's hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one. 199 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,440 No, no... Could you? 200 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,520 Erm, I have a pretty full afternoon, so... 201 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,760 Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again? 202 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,240 No, Finland are coming here. Oh. Well, that's easier for you. 203 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,400 Mmm. 204 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,640 Are you still OK to pick up the invitations? Oh, yes, of course. 205 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,720 And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers? Yes. Great. 206 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,240 And is Martin's nose on the mend? Yes. 207 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,320 And how's the bassoon solo coming on? 208 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,640 Oh, yes, he's practising. 209 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,120 Oh, God, and now I just have to... 210 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,120 What? Sorry, Claire, can you look up, please? 211 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,160 Thank you. 212 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,920 Organise canapes for an awards ceremony. 213 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,760 Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted. 214 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,720 Does the little cafe do canapes? 215 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,680 It totally could, yeah. 216 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,200 Well, there you are. That's one off the list. 217 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,240 Great. 218 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:51,400 Gosh, haven't you got a lovely, thick neck? 219 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,560 That was fun. Thank you. 220 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,800 I really can help with the canapes if it's... 221 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,880 I'm going to say this quickly. OK. OK? 222 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,240 Martin wants to press charges against you for assault. 223 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,800 I've tried to talk him down, but to be fair, you did hit him 224 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:04,800 fucking hard. What? 225 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,480 I will provide you with exceptional legal advice as long as 226 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,440 you don't tell anyone I'm providing you with exceptional legal advice. 227 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:11,600 What? This is happening. 228 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,480 I am mortified, but it is happening, OK? 229 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,280 I will hire this lawyer to scare him off 230 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,080 and I will hire you to do the canapes. 231 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,640 Who's the lawyer? Oh, he's a friend. 232 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,520 He mainly defends rapists. 233 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:23,840 He has a high success rate then. 234 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,480 Undefeated. Come on. 235 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,600 I've filled him in with the basics. 236 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,040 That your husband's an animal? 237 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,760 Be serious. Just do whatever he says and don't flirt with him. 238 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,840 I'm not going to f... 239 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,000 Fucking hell, OK. 240 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,760 Claire! David, thank you so much... 241 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,320 Oh! Wow. Sorry. 242 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,840 I can take you to court for that. 243 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,920 This the little trouble maker, then? Hi. Hi. 244 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,680 Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens, 245 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:55,160 I don't sleep with people I work with, OK? 246 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,960 I'm joking. 247 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,480 Slip on in, ladies. 248 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,800 Well, if you spit guilty, you'll have to swallow a short jail term, 249 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,000 or community service if you're lucky. Or? 250 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,760 You definitely started it? Yes. 251 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,040 Any witnesses? About 30. 252 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,680 The most important thing, honey, 253 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,000 is that you do not, under any circumstances, apologise. 254 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,280 I can do that... No, that's not what we discussed. 255 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,880 That can be taken as an admission of guilt. 256 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,840 I assume you know the victim personally? 257 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,840 Yes... No, and let's not call him the victim yet, shall we? 258 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,160 Well, that's what he is. 259 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:29,960 Yes. Right. 260 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,360 They've definitely fucked. 261 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,120 We just want a letter to scare him off 262 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,760 if he ends up seeking proper action. 263 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,280 Really doesn't make sense, Claire. Actually maybe not. 264 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,640 I think it makes perfect sense. 265 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,840 I just want to be ahead of the game. God, I can't tell. 266 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,120 That's a habit of yours, I've heard. Oh, I've got it. 267 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,400 Is it? They haven't... 268 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,640 You're going to have to tell me who said that. Never. 269 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,160 .. but they're going to. David. Oh, God, I've got to get out. 270 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,720 Claire. Excuse me. 271 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:51,960 Where you off to, little lady? 272 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,680 I'm just going to let this... Yeah. 273 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,920 You all right? 274 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,880 Yeah. Just thought I'd leave you to it. 275 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,720 Sorry. What? 276 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,200 He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings 277 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,920 if you go for a drink with him. What? I know. Outrageous. 278 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,880 Stop smiling. I thought he was after you? 279 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,600 So did I, but my hair isn't great at the moment. 280 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,400 Either way, it's very inappropriate. 281 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,160 Don't sleep with him. I won't. Don't. 282 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,080 I won't. I don't do that anymore. 283 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,520 What? Why? Are you ill? 284 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,000 No. Then what? 285 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,320 Well, I just... 286 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,040 Oh, my God. Have you met someone? 287 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,440 Well, not really. 288 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,040 Back with Harry? No, it's actually... 289 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,000 Someone new? Well... Is he single? 290 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,320 Sort of. 291 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,680 Take this. 292 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:54,000 I'll try talk Martin down, but call him if you need him. 293 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,960 He's a very good lawyer. 294 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,160 Surprisingly... 295 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,440 .. tender underneath it all. 296 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,960 Knew it. 297 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,040 What you did in the restaurant was unforgiveable. I know. 298 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,520 Thank you. 299 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,440 OK, well... 300 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,840 Listen, I actually just wanted to give you this. 301 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,520 It's just one session, but you've been through a lot, so I just... 302 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,120 Oh, my God, I said I'm fine. 303 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,760 I'm weirdly fine. 304 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,080 I'd rather have the money. 305 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,840 Excuse me, I've got dry forearms. 306 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:44,880 Sure. 307 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,200 So, why have you come to the session? 308 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,120 Oh, it was a birthday present from my father. 309 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,760 Is that a joke? 310 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,120 No. 311 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,760 It would be good not to make jokes in here. 312 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:03,880 Just in case anything gets lost in humorous translation. 313 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,000 Oh, I don't know if I can do that. 314 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,800 Is that a joke? 315 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,840 No. 316 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,280 Oh, just try not to, or make it very obvious. 317 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,200 Sure. 318 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,480 So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling? 319 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,920 I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it 320 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,400 and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks 321 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,920 I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most 322 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,360 of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void 323 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,480 inside my empty heart. I'm good at this. 324 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,120 Although I don't really do that any more. 325 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,440 You close with your family? 326 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,520 We get on with it. 327 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,880 Do you talk? God no! 328 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,840 Any friends? 329 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,080 Sorry? Any friends? 330 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,520 Erm... 331 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,560 No, I don't really have time for... 332 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,200 Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold. 333 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,360 Not a joke. 334 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,240 Tell me about the sex. 335 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,240 All of it? 336 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,000 You said you don't do that now. 337 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,520 Oh, no, I just play tennis now. 338 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:10,960 Tough crowd. 339 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,800 Sorry. 340 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,840 I just... 341 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,680 Sex didn't bring anything... 342 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,640 good, so I'm trying not to... 343 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,640 But I've... 344 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,000 And what have you found in your abstinence? 345 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,920 Well, I'm very horny and your little scarf isn't helping. 346 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,360 So, the impulse is still there? 347 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,480 Oh... 348 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,720 Yeah, the impulse is... 349 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,640 The impulse is very much still there. 350 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,840 It's just never the right person. 351 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,280 Mm. 352 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,120 So there is a particular person you're not having sex with? 353 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,680 No! 354 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,600 Well, look, nothing's happened. I just... 355 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,400 He's not available. 356 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,640 In a relationship? Yes, a bad one. 357 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,320 Oh, really? How so? 358 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,320 It's a sort of relationship where one partner 359 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,760 tells the other how to dress. Are you in love with him? 360 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,600 No! 361 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,880 Why do you find that funny? 362 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,600 Well, I... 363 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,520 I dunno, I just... 364 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,760 I don't... No! 365 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,640 Just not a romantic? No. 366 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,320 Just... 367 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,440 a girl with no friends and an empty heart? 368 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,560 By your own description. 369 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,760 I have friends. 370 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,680 Oh, so you do have someone to talk to. 371 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,840 Yeah. 372 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,400 Do you see them a lot? 373 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,520 Oh, they're... they're always there. 374 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,480 They're... 375 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,760 They're always there. 376 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,600 Why do you find that funny? Listen, I don't need to be analysed. 377 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,080 I have a nice life. I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money. 378 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,960 It's a bit late for that now. 379 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,680 I've only been here five minutes. 380 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,280 I want the money. 381 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,680 I want to fuck a priest. 382 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,400 Catholic? Yes! 383 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,080 A good one? Yes! 384 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,920 Looks good in the, erm... Mmm, yes. I understand. 385 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,320 Do you really want to fuck the priest, 386 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,560 or do you want to fuck God? 387 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,360 Can you fuck God? Oh, yes. 388 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,520 Look just please tell me how to not fuck a priest, 389 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,240 before I get arrested. 390 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,200 Well, I don't think fucking a priest will make you feel as powerful 391 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,640 as you think it will. Can you just tell me what to do? 392 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:31,680 You know. 393 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,160 You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does. 394 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,440 What? 395 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,600 You've already decided what you're going to do. 396 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,960 So what's the point in you? 397 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,120 You know what you're going to do. 398 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,360 No, I don't. Yes, you do. 399 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,600 I don't! You do! 400 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,480 I don't! You do! I don't... 401 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,320 Good luck! Thank you. 402 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,480 Shut up. 403 00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,960 Hi, can I have two raffle tickets, please? 404 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,280 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, hi! 405 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,920 Hi! You're... 406 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,880 Yeah! with child. Yes. Cool! 407 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,280 You, you got a fringe! Yeah! Yeah. Oh, cool. 408 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,560 Aw, you always wanted a baby! You always wanted a fringe. 409 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,360 She is amazing. 410 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,920 I mean, it's been tough, but amazing. Oh, yeah? 411 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,080 Yeah, I mean, the birth really took its toll. 412 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,880 Oh, really? Was it a tricky one? I can't really remember it now. 413 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,480 But the whole thing has just really changed me. 414 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,320 I just don't feel... 415 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:29,680 You know, my emotions are up and down. My body just feels different. 416 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,560 I mean, Elaine is being amazing, so supportive... 417 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,280 It sounds like you have got post-natal depression. I do, yeah, 418 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,080 but we're working through it. 419 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,920 Sure. Just to let you know, 420 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,960 the band is going to start in a couple of minutes. 421 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,600 Hey, Father. This is Suzie! 422 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,960 Aw, I don't know how to talk to babies, sorry. 423 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,600 Do you guys know each other? 424 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,520 Er, yeah. We sort of used to... 425 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,360 I used to be her girlfriend. 426 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,720 Oh, cool. 427 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,840 Good for you! 428 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,840 I'm going to go and show her the coconuts. 429 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,360 She's really good at counting. OK! 430 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,240 Excuse me, everyone! 431 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:06,080 The Youthy Band is about to play the ode to something! 432 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,720 You having fun? Yes, yeah. 433 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:08,960 Selling well? Yes, I think so. 434 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,600 Good. Oh, puzzle. I love a puzzle! 435 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,120 Father, the Youthy Band are about... Yes, I heard you, Pam. 436 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,120 Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. 437 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000 Ah, there's the main event. Yeah! 438 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,480 Very talented. She, erm, she... 439 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,040 Don't say it. 440 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,520 She, she, actually... 441 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,720 Just don't say it. 442 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,840 She actually orgasmed when she finished it. 443 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,040 I just said it. 444 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,760 Apparently. Ah! 445 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,960 Well, whatever gets you there! 446 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,160 Father! Father, we have a cupcake situation over here! 447 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,920 OK, Pam! I will be there to cupcake. 448 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,160 Thank you so much for helping. 449 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,560 Arm touch. 450 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,680 At least my son is in the Youthy Band, what's your excuse? 451 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,640 Urgh! 452 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,760 I'm helping the priest. 453 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,840 Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you? 454 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,600 Hey, I just want to say something... 455 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,720 It's from River Island. I got it last week. 456 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:19,080 No. I want to say that I'm sorry for saying what I said. 457 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,440 I'm sorry for what you went through. 458 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,720 I'm sorry. I know what you're doing. I'm not going to say it. 459 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,240 I'm just saying sorry. 460 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,520 I'm not going to say it. 461 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,240 I'm sorry. 462 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,400 Mm-mm. 463 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,280 OK. 464 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,760 And thank you. 465 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,800 She and I have never been better. Oh! 466 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,840 You had a big part in that. 467 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,840 I'm happy for you. 468 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,800 I'm happy you've found a way to deflect from your pitiful, 469 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,680 self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory... 470 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,200 I cannot believe how well this is coming out. 471 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,360 .. pawing, insidious, insidious, 472 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,040 overwhelming mediocrity, 473 00:21:55,040 --> 00:22:00,360 only to finally figure out that at your very core, you are a weaky. 474 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:02,960 Damn! 475 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,080 A "weaky"? 476 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,320 Damn! Damn! 477 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,760 Wow. A "weaky"? 478 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,400 In that case, I just wanted you to know 479 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,960 that I'm impressed with how you just keep bouncing back. 480 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,880 I really am. 481 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,840 You're a strongy. 482 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,320 That was awesome, man. 483 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,280 Creepy Jake, mainly says things like... 484 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,680 Where's Claire? and... 485 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:31,760 Where's Claire? 486 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,280 She couldn't make it, man. 487 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,200 Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid church goer. 488 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,760 Hi. Thanks for watching. 489 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,240 Oh, you were excellent. 490 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:41,880 Oh! Ooh. 491 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,400 Careful there, buddy. 492 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,680 You could go down for that sort of behaviour these days. 493 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,160 It was just a hug. "Oh, it was just a hug!" 494 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,080 You got to do better than that these days, boy. 495 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,760 Specially round this firecracker. But I didn't do... Come on. 496 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,800 I don't want to be an asshole. 497 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,720 I just want her to be happy. 498 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,440 And she has been really happy... 499 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,880 .. until she saw you. 500 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,960 Just saying. 501 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,280 Wow. 502 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,040 Psst. 503 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,800 Hi, Jake. Ooh. 504 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,160 Tell her to leave him. 505 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,840 What? 506 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,760 Tell her to leave him. 507 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,720 He's going to kill someone one day. 508 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,480 Hey! Yes, Father! 509 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,320 Yes, Father? I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 510 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,640 Oh, God. 511 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,400 Can I get that coconut back? They're actually on hire. 512 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,720 I'm not sure if a lot of them are even real, actually, 513 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,960 which is morally a bit dubious, but we've got to make money somehow. 514 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,160 Thank you. 515 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,600 Knuckle brush. 516 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,440 Er, also, I hope you don't mind, but, erm... 517 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,440 I've marked a few pages in here that I thought might be... 518 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,680 Ooh, eh. 519 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,800 No, no, no, no. I'm not trying to... 520 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,040 They're just words. 521 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,040 OK, it's just I, I think I know what happens. 522 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,280 Classic. 523 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,200 Come on, have a read. 524 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,640 I'd like to know what do you think. 525 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,360 And if you ever want to, er, 526 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,880 talk about stuff, I'm here. 527 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,680 With a G&T, of course. 528 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,480 You can come whenever you want. 529 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,240 I'd like you to come, 530 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,760 if it helps.