I leave tomorrow, so...
I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you.
And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames,
but my life will be fucked.
What?
Mm.
What are you thinking?
I just...
Come on.
- I just... - Come on.
I just can't believe you did that.
I know.
- So good to see you! - We're over the moon.
- Good to see you! Who was that? - Love the shirt.
- Is this the, um... - Don't!
It'll come off.
Thank you.
What's happening with the priest?
- Oh, hi. - Oh!
Nothing.
Ooooh! So good of you to come and get me!
- Get you? - See me!
- Hi, Jake. - Where's Claire?
Just there.
Your dad's just down there.
Nice skirts.
Do you need me to say anything emotional about today?
- No, no. We're good. - I think we're all right, thanks.
Do you want tequila? I'm going to get one.
- Hi. - Hi! Nice to...
How was Klare?
Well, he's crazy about me.
- So, that's a nightmare. - Nightmare.
He's back to Finland today, anyway, which is good.
- It's fine, it's totally fine. - Sounds like it's fine.
It is.
It's going to be a lovely day, isn't it?
I'm afraid so.
This is my very interesting friend Daniel, who's deaf.
I picked him up at a student gallery opening.
Utterly fascinating.
Can't hear a thing,
but is a fabulous physical communicator through hands and lips.
Oh, I love that!
And this is my extraordinary friend Francine, she's a lesbian.
And this is Asif, my bisexual, Syrian refugee friend,
who you haven't actually met yet, darling.
And, Asif, this is, um...
Oh, my God.
This is... this is...
God, how extraordinary. I just, I always call you darling.
This is the love of my life!
Hi.
Is there somewhere I can put this?
We said no presents! Oh, you're such a sweetheart.
She's a natural rule breaker.
Not today!
Ah, well I've been trying to get rid of it for ages.
Oh!
Thank you.
I'm going to open it over a bin,
so I've got somewhere to put the paper.
Um, come with me!
Uh, are you short on staff or where, do you need me, or...?
No, I just wondered if you had a little show planned?
- What? - Well, you normally do.
And I wondered if there was anything
I might need to know about, that might happen later?
No.
Good.
Well, let me know if you change your mind.
Because today is the most important day of my life
and I love your father very much.
And I imagine you'd rather have me
looking after him in the years to come
than having to do it yourself.
So... no more miscarriages.
It's worth a lot.
So...
Thank you.
I'll go and put her straight back on her shelf.
Do you know, I often thought it strange that of all my pieces
you chose to take her.
Why?
She was based on your mother.
So nice to have her back in the house.
- Oh! Oh, God. Fuck, you're here. - Oh, fuck! Oh, Jesus.
I thought you were a fox. You're not.
No, are you? I didn't know you were...
No, no, I'm fine, sorry.
No, I just didn't want to, I'm practising the homily.
- How's it going? - Not good, not good. I can't, I can't...
You look lovely.
Thank you. So do you.
Wait till you see me in the full shebang, you're going to lose
your fucking mind.
We just need to get through this bit and then we can...
- We can... - Yeah.
- Better get changed. - Yeah, good luck.
Oh, my God.
What?
- You have lipstick all over... - Oh, fucking hell.
That would not look good, has it gone?
Where?
Oh, fucking hell.
I don't know, I don't know...
Oh, I don't know what this feeling is.
Is it God or is it me?
I don't know.
Fuck you, then.
Where's your priest?
I don't know.
You okay?
Yes, well, um...
I hate my husband and the man I love is on his way to Finland,
so pretty weird.
Oh! Way to upstage the bride!
Tried my best.
Cute dress.
Oh, look. Woooo!
This is our very chic priest.
Oh, good, I was aiming for chic.
- It's particularly good around the... - Thank you.
- Father, you remember Martin. - Hey, how you doing, man?
Bit nervous, Martin.
- And you know Jake. - Yes, hello, Jake. How are you?
And this is my very interesting friend Lucy,
who is a surrogate.
- Hello. - Oh, weird.
And this is my unstable step-daughter,
who's had a miscarriage.
- Nice to see you again. - You too.
But you knew that, you were there.
It was my miscarriage.
What?
It was my fucking miscarriage.
Yes, I thought you'd find that funny.
How interesting.
She was just covering for me.
What, we were pregnant?
- For a few weeks, yes. - It was my baby?
Sorry, so you haven't had a miscarriage?
No, sorry.
Wait, what the fuck is going on here?
I-It was, it was my baby?
I guess it was your baby's way of saying
it didn't want you as it's father.
Like a goldfish out of the bowl sort of thing.
Ohh!
Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage,
could you take it to the kitchen, please?
No! Don't follow me, Jake.
Oh, and this is over.
You're leaving me.
- No, no, no. - Yes!
Are you drunk?
- Yes. - Are you sober?
A bit. Could you just fuck off?
- Oh, absolutely not! - Okay, no, no. I'm staying right here.
I want you to leave me.
Listen to me, I just, I have...
I think he has a little speech.
I have a little speech that's building here.
Now, I know you look at me and you see a bad man with a big beard.
You are an alcoholic and you tried it on with my sister.
Fine.
I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday.
My birthday!
Fine! I mix up birthdays and I have an alcohol problem,
just like everyone else in this fucking country.
But I am here and I do things.
I pick up Jake up from shit, I make dessert for Easter,
I organise the downstairs toilet, I fired the humming cleaner.
- You enjoyed that. - I hoover the car.
I put up all your certificates
and I don't make you feel guilty for not having sex with me.
I am not a bad guy!
I just have a bad personality, it's not my fault.
Some people are born with fucked personalities.
Look at Jake.
He is so creepy, it's not his fault!
Why the bassoon!
You want to know what the bassoon is!
It's a cry for help!
The main fucking problem here is that you don't like me.
And that has been breaking my fucking heart for 11 years.
I love you.
I make you laugh.
I'm a douche, but I make you laugh.
You said that that was the most important thing!
I think the thing that you hate the most about yourself
is that you actually love me.
So, I am not going to leave you,
until you are down on your knees begging me.
Please, leave me.
Oh, man.
I didn't think you'd do that in that dress.
Right. Well...
I guess the only thing left for me to say is...
Fuck you.
What have you done with him?
- Who? - Your father.
The wedding is about the start and no-one can find him anywhere.
- Um... - Can you do something?
Please.
Please!
- Garden. Okay. - Upstairs.
Dad?
Dad.
I can't get out.
Okay, Dad, you can.
I can't! It's a trap.
I'm stuck.
- No, Dad... - I just, there's nothing I can do.
everyone will understand.
Just give them all a bottle to take home.
Honestly, they, they'll be relieved.
My foot... is stuck.
Oh.
Everyone will understand?
Um...
W-Will you help me, please?
- How is it stuck...? - J-Just help me get it out.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
What are you doing up here?
I... I just remembered that I'd left a...
a friendly mouse trap up here a few weeks ago
and I hadn't checked it.
And I just wanted to make sure that one little chap hadn't got, uh,
trapped in it and was, uh, was suffocating up here.
I think I've worked out what we need to do.
Let's... Let's do it.
Do it.
Darling.
I'll do it if you tell me why you're up here.
Just one honest answer.
I... What, what? I, I don't think...
One full sentence.
I was checking on the mouse.
Dad?
Do you want to make a run for it? I can smuggle you out
- in one of mum's dresses. - You would, as well.
Look, I-I know she's not...
everyone's cup of tea.
And neither are you, darling.
I mean, I'm sorry, I love you, but I'm not sure that I like you...
All the time.
Sorry.
Hey, you created this monster.
You're not the way you are because of me.
I know.
You're the way you are because of her.
And it's those bits that you need to cling to.
Right, can you get my shoe out?
I just want you all to be proud of me.
We are proud of you, Dad.
You have two daughters who love you,
even if you don't like them.
I like Claire.
Jesus, Dad!
Thank you.
Okay.
Come on.
I-I don't think I can.
Come on. Buck up.
Smiles, charm, off we go.
I think you know how to love better than any of us.
That's why you find it all so painful.
I don't find it painful.
They're there.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
Okay, Dad.
No, no, no. Stay with me.
Stay.
Darling!
Oh, sorry.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Thank you for coming today, to celebrate the love between
these two very special people.
Before we start, uh, Jake has asked to play another piece
on his bassoon.
I can't do this reading.
- Don't do it. - What?
I'll do it.
- You go and get him. - I can't go and get him.
- Why not? - It's too late.
I can't leave my father's wedding.
He's called "Klare" for God's sake
and he's already at the airport, anyway.
Well, there you go.
Is it running through the airport kind of love?
I'm not going to the airport.
- He'd think I was insane. - Yeah.
- I'm just saying... - The airport.
How would I even find him?
You can't get through security without a boarding pass.
- No, I wasn't suggesting... - I'd have to buy a dummy ticket
just to get through the gate.
I don't know when his flight is or which terminal.
Imagine if I knew that.
Imagine him finding out I knew all that.
Imagine if he was just in Boots buying a pair of tweezers
in Terminal 5 and suddenly I was there,
"Hello, Klare."
Yeah, okay, that would be intense.
The only person I'd run through an airport for is you.
Thank you, Jake, for that beautiful bassoon piece.
Uh, written especially for today.
I believe it's called...
"Where's Claire?"
I think what you guys are doing is amazing.
Sorry.
Oh! Fuck me.
I'm sorry, didn't get much sleep last night.
So, it turns out it's quite hard to come up with something
original to say about love.
But I've had a go.
Love is awful!
It's awful.
It's painful. It's frightening.
Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself.
Distance yourself from the other people in your life.
Makes you selfish.
Makes you creepy!
Makes you obsessed with your hair.
Makes you cruel!
Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do!
There's something wrong with your priest.
It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there!
So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own.
I was taught if we're born with love,
then life is about choosing the right place to put it.
People talk about that a lot.
It "feeling right". "When it feels right it's easy."
But I'm not sure that's true.
It takes strength to know what's right.
And love isn't something that weak people do.
Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope.
I think what they mean is...
when you find somebody that you love...
it feels like hope.
Go out the side way, now.
So, thank you for bringing us all together here today.
To take words from this book of love,
be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
Um, let's get on with the big bit.
Oh, there you are.
Hi.
Fuck it.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Oh, the, uh, the priest is looking for you.
Oh?
Don't break his heart.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Hiya.
- Oh, are you leaving? - Oh, actually, well,
I thought you were...
- I was changing. - Oh, yeah.
What do you do? Do you get the, get the bus or...?
Yeah, I get the bus.
- On the road? - Just on the road.
- I go on the bus. - Cool.
- Well, bye, my daughter. - Okay.
Bye, Father.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
You nailed it.
They always lie, it'll magically come in a minute.
Yeah.
They're really into each other, those two, it's nice.
They really pulled it off.
Was your sister okay?
- She seemed a bit on edge. - Yeah, she... she had to run off...
- ... to a work thing. - Wow, dedicated!
Addicted.
It's God, isn't it?
Yeah.
Damn.
You know, the worst thing is...
that I fucking love you.
I love you.
No, no, don't.
No, let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own.
I love you.
It'll pass.
- This bus is not magically coming. - I think I'll walk.
Okay.
Uh, see you Sunday?
I'm joking. You're never ever allowed in my church again.
I love you, too.
Okay.
He went that way.
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