Wait. Does he eat chalk?
I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl.
Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date.
It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Sounds like a date to me.
I'm back in high school, in the middle of the cafeteria,
and I realize I'm totally naked.
- Yeah. - I've had that dream.
Then I look down and I realize there is a phone
there.
- Instead of… - That's right!
- That one, I've never had. - No.
All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
And it turns out it's my mother.
Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.
Hi.
This guy says "hello," I wanna kill myself.
Are you okay, sweetie?
I feel like someone grabbed my small intestine,
pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck.
Cookie?
Carol moved her stuff out today.
- Let me get you some coffee. - Thanks.
No. No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
Just leave my aura alone, okay?
I'll be fine. All right? Really. I hope she'll be very happy.
- No, you don't. - No, I don't.
To hell with her. She left me!
And you never knew she was a lesbian.
No! Okay?
Why does everyone keep fixating on that?
She didn't know. How should I know?
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
Did I say that out loud?
All right, Ross. Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.
You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
Strip joints!
Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.
See, but I don't want to be single, okay?
I just wanna be married again.
And I just want a million dollars!
Rachel?
Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!
I went to your building
and this guy with a big hammer said that you might be here, and you are.
- Can I get you some coffee? - Decaf.
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.
This is everybody. This is Chandler and Phoebe, and Joey.
And remember my brother, Ross?
- Sure! - Hey.
- Hi. - Oh, God.
So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Oh, God! It started about a half-hour before the wedding.
I was in this room with all the presents,
and I was looking at this gravy boat.
This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
When all of a sudden… Sweet 'N Low?
I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.
Then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me:
How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.
I always knew he looked familiar, but…
Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering:
"Why am I doing this?" And "Who am I doing this for?"
Anyway, I just didn't know where to go,
and I know you and I have drifted apart,
but you're the only person I know in the city.
Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
I'm guessing he bought her the big pipe organ,
and she's really not happy about it.
Daddy, I just… I can't marry him. I'm sorry.
I just don't love him.
It matters to me.
She should not be wearing those pants.
- I say push her down the stairs. - Push her down the stairs!
Come on, Daddy, listen to me!
It's like all of my life, everyone's always told me, "You're a shoe!"
Then today I stopped and said, "What if I don't wanna be a shoe?
What if I wanna be a purse? You know? Or a hat?"
I don't want you to buy me a hat, I am a hat. It's a metaphor, Daddy!
You can see where he'd have trouble.
Look, Daddy, it's my life.
Maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.
Maybe that's my decision.
Maybe I don't need your money.
Wait! I said maybe!
Okay. Just breathe, that's it. Just try to think of nice, calm things.
Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens
Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens
La la la something With string
I'm all better now.
I helped.
Look, this is probably for the best, you know?
Independence. Taking control of your life.
And if you need anything, you can always come to Joey.
Me and Chandler live right across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
What? Like there's a rule or something?
Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.
- It's Paul. - Buzz him in.
- Who's Paul? - Paul, the wine guy, Paul?
Maybe.
Wait a minute. Your "not a real date" is with Paul, the wine guy?
- He finally asked you out? - Yes.
This is a "Dear Diary" moment.
- Rach, wait, I can cancel. - Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.
Ross, are you okay? Do you want me to stay?
That'd be good.
- Really? - No, go on! It's Paul, the wine guy.
Hi, come in. Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Paul, the wine guy.
- Wine guy. - I didn't catch your name.
Paul, was it?
- Okay. Sit down. Two seconds. - Okay.
I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
So, Rachel, what are you up to tonight?
I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon,
so, nothing.
Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.
God. No. Although, Aruba. This time of year?
Talk about your…
big lizards.
Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight,
Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture.
Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Actually, thanks, but I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.
- It's been a long day. - Sure. Okay. Sure.
- Pheebs, you wanna help? - I wish I could, but I don't want to.
I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things
using a bunch of these little worm guys.
I have no bracket-y thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever,
and I cannot feel my legs.
- What's this? - I have no idea.
- Done with the bookcase. - All finished.
This was Carol's favorite beer.
She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.
Hey. Ross, let me ask you a question.
She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.
- What did you get? - You guys.
- Oh, God. - You got screwed.
- Oh, my God. - I know. I'm such an idiot.
I should've caught on
when she went to the dentist four and five times a week.
How clean can teeth get?
My brother's going through that. He's such a mess.
How did you get through it?
He might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.
- Say her… - Leg?
That's one way of going through it, yeah.
Me, I went for the watch.
You actually broke her watch?
Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
You probably think it's about making love with your socks on,
but it isn't.
It isn't, it's about me. And I…
Hi. Machine cut me off again. Anyway…
You know what's scary?
What if there's only one woman for everybody?
What if you get one woman, and that's it?
Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.
What are you talking about? One woman.
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.
Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there.
There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing Cherry Vanilla.
You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.
This is the best thing that ever happened to you.
You got married. You were like, what, 8?
Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Then stay out of my freezer.
Ever since she walked out on me, I…
What?
You wanna spell it out with noodles?
No, it's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
So there's gonna be a fifth date?
Isn't there?
Yeah. I think there is.
What were you gonna say?
Well…
Ever since she left me,
I haven't been able to perform sexually.
Oh, God! I am so…
- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.
Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.
How long?
Two years.
I'm glad you smashed her watch.
So you still think you might want that fifth date?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
I, Joanie, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.
- Do you take Joanie… - See.
But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.
"Grab a spoon."
Do you know long it's been since I grabbed a spoon?
Do the words, "Billy, don't be a hero," mean anything to you?
Here's the thing.
Even if I could get it together enough to ask a woman out
who am I gonna ask?
Isn't this amazing?
I have never made coffee before in my life.
- That is amazing. - Congratulations.
While you're on a roll,
if you feel like you gotta make a Western omelet or something…
Although, actually I'm really not that hungry this morning.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- Morning. - Morning.
- Morning, Paul.
- Hello, Paul. - Hi. Paul, is it?
I had a really great time last night.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
- We'll talk later, okay? - Yeah.
Thank you.
That wasn't a real date.
What the hell do you do on a real date?
- Shut up and put my table back. - Okay.
All right, kids, I gotta get to work.
If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.
So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
- Yeah, I'm an actor. - Would I have seen you in anything?
I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Unless you happened to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio.
"Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy."
- I will not take this abuse. - You're right. I'm sorry.
Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy
So how are you doing today? Did you sleep okay?
Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
I know. He's just so…
Remember you and Tony De Marco?
- Yeah. - It's like that. With feelings.
Are you in trouble!
Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work,
and not think about him all day.
Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
- Wish me luck! - What for?
I'm gonna go get one of those job things.
- Hey, Monica. - Hey, Franny. Welcome back.
- How was Florida? - You had sex, didn't you?
How do you do that?
- So, who? - You know Paul?
Paul, the wine guy?
Yeah, I know Paul.
You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul?
Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.
Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
Of course it was a line.
Why? Why would anybody do something like that?
We're looking for an answer more sophisticated than:
"To get you into bed."
Is it me?
Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs,
and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
All right, come here. Give me your feet.
I just thought he was nice, you know?
I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.
Guess what.
- You got a job? - Are you kidding?
I'm trained for nothing.
I was laughed out of 12 interviews today.
Yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
You would be too
if you found Joan and David boots on sale 50 percent off.
How well you know me.
They're my new "I don't need a job or my parents.
I've got great boots" boots.
- How'd you pay for them? - Credit card.
And who pays for that?
My father.
You can't live off your parents your whole life.
I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I remember when I first came to this city, I was 14.
My mom had killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison.
And I got here, and I didn't know anybody.
I ended up living with this albino guy
who was cleaning windshields outside Port Authority.
And then he killed himself.
And then I found aromatherapy.
So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
The word you're looking for is:
"Anyway…"
All right. You ready?
- I don't think so. - Come on.
- Cut. - Cut.
- Hey. - All right.
Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
That's it. You gonna crash on the couch?
- No. No, I gotta go home sometime. - Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah.
Look what I just found on the floor.
- What? - That's Paul's watch.
You can just put it back where you found it.
Oh, boy. All right. Good night, everybody.
Good night.
- Sorry. - No. Go.
- No, have it, really. - Split it?
- Okay. - Okay.
Thanks.
You probably didn't know this,
but back in high school I had a major crush on you.
I knew.
You did?
I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
I did.
Listen, do you think…
And try not to let my vulnerability become any kind of a factor here.
Do you think it would be okay if I ask you out sometime, maybe?
Yeah.
Maybe.
Okay.
Okay, maybe I will.
- Good night. - Good night.
See you.
Wait. What's with you?
I just grabbed a spoon.
Can't believe what I'm hearing.
I can't believe What I'm hearing here
- What? I said you had… - What? I said you had…
- Would you stop? - Was I doing it again?
Yes.
Would anybody like more coffee?
Did you make it or are you just serving it?
- I'm just serving it. - I'll have a cup of coffee.
Kids, new dream. I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli.