- Hi, guys. - Hey, Phoebe.
How did it go?
Not so good.
He walked me to the subway and said, "We should do this again."
What? He said, "We should do it again."
That's good, right?
No. Loosely translated, "We should do this again,"
"You will never see me naked."
Since when?
Since always. It's, like, dating language.
You know, like, "It's not you," means, "It is you."
"You're such a nice guy,"
"I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics,
and complaining about them to you."
Or "I think we should see other people,"
"Ha, ha, I already am."
- And everybody knows this? - Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep,
and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
That's funny.
No, because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm.
Ross?
Hello. The Milner's farm in Connecticut?
The Milners, they had this unbelievable farm.
They had horses and rabbits that he could chase.
And it was…
Oh, my God. Chi-Chi.
"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over.
But you'll have to live with the knowledge
that you sent an honest man to die.
- That was really good. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Thanks. Let's keep going.
Okay. "So, what do you want from me, Dimon?"
I just wanna go back to my cell, because in my cell, I can smoke.
"Smoke away."
I think this is probably why Dimon smokes in his cell alone.
- What? - Relax your hand.
Let your wrist go.
Not so much.
All right. Now try taking a puff.
Right.
- Okay, no, give it to me. - No. I'm not giving you a cigarette.
No, it's fine. Do you want to get this part or not? Here.
All right. Now, don't think of it as a cigarette.
Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand.
When you're holding it, you feel right.
- You feel complete. - You miss it?
No, not so much.
All right. Now we smoke.
Oh, my God.
No. They say it's the same as the distance
from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
That's ridiculous.
Can I use either thumb?
All right. Don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
Coffee, black.
Latte.
And an iced tea.
- I'm getting pretty good at this. - Excellent. That's very good.
Good for me.
- You okay, Phoebe? - Yeah, no, it's not even worth…
- It's my bank. - What did they do to you?
It's nothing, it's just… Okay.
I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly "statement."
Easy.
And there's 500 extra dollars in my account.
Satan's minions at work again.
Yes, because now I have to go down there and deal with them…
- What are you talking about? Keep it. - It's not mine.
I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.
Okay. Let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes.
Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took?
"Not mine."
And even if I was happy, okay, and skipping,
I'd hear, "Not mine."
We're with you. We got it.
Okay, I'd never be able to enjoy it. It'd be like this giant karmic debt.
Chandler, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Gross.
- What is this? - I'm smoking.
I can't believe you. You've been so good for three years.
And this is my reward.
Hold on a second.
Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Okay, so this time I won't quit.
- Put it out. - All right. I'm putting it out.
No. I can't drink this now.
All right, I'm gonna go change. I've got a date.
Is this Alan again? How's it going?
It's going pretty good. It's nice and we're having fun.
- So when do we get to meet the guy? - Yeah.
Let's see, today's Monday…
- Never. - Come on.
No, not after what happened with Steve.
What are you talking about? We love Steve. Steve was sexy.
Sorry.
I don't know how I feel about him yet.
Give me a chance to figure it out.
Then can we meet him?
No. Sorry.
Why should I let them meet him?
I bring a guy home and within five minutes they're all over him.
They're like coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd.
Listen, as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef,
I'll tell you, that is not such a terrible thing.
Come on, they're your friends. They're looking out after you.
I know. I wish that once I'd bring a guy home they actually liked.
You do realize that the odds of that happening are a little slimmer,
if they never get to meet the guy.
- Let it go, Ross. - Yeah? You didn't know Chi-Chi.
Do you all promise?
- Yeah, we promise. We'll be good. - We promise.
Chandler, do you promise to be good?
You can come in, but your filter tip little buddy has to stay outside.
Hey, Pheebs.
"Dear Ms. Thank you for calling attention to our error.
We have credited your account $500. We're sorry for the inconvenience,
and hope you'll accept this football phone,
as our free gift." Do you believe this?
Now I have $1000 and a football phone.
What bank is this?
Okay, it's him.
- Who is it? - Alan.
Chandler. He's here.
Okay, please be good. Please? Remember how much you like me.
Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
- Hi. - Hey.
I've heard so much about all you guys.
Thanks, I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
Who's gonna take the first shot?
Come on.
I'll go.
Let's start with the way he kept picking at…
I'm sorry, I can't do this. Can't do it. We loved him.
- We loved him. - Wait a minute.
We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
- Yes. - And did you notice?
Yeah.
Know what was great? The way his smile was kind of crooked.
- Yes. Like the man in the shoe. - What shoe?
From the nursery rhyme.
"There was a crooked man who had a crooked smile,
who lived in a shoe for a while…"
So I think Alan will become the yardstick
against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
What future boyfriends?
No. I think this could be, you know, "it."
- Really? - Yeah.
I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.
You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?
- You know what I like most about him? - What?
The way he makes me feel about myself.
Yeah.
Hi.
How was the game?
Well…
- We won! - We won! Thank you! Yeah.
Fantastic. I have one question: How is that possible?
- Alan. - He was unbelievable.
He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon
where Bugs is playing all the positions.
But instead of Bugs, it was first base, Alan. Second base, Alan…
It was like he made us into a team.
Yep. We sure showed those Hasidic jewelers
a thing or two about softball.
Nice.
Can I ask you guys a question?
Do you ever think that Alan is maybe sometimes…
- What? - I don't know. A little too Alan?
No. That's not possible. You can never be too Alan.
Yeah, it's his innate Alan-ness that we adore.
I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan.
- Hey, Lizzy. - Hey, Weird Girl.
- I brought you alphabet soup. - Did you pick out the vowels?
Yes, but I left in the Y's. Because, you know, "Sometimes Y."
- I also have something else for you. - Saltines?
No, but would you like $1000 and a football phone?
What?
Oh, my God. There's really money in here.
- I know. - Weird Girl, what are you doing?
I want you to have it. I don't want it.
- No. I have to give you something. - No, it's fine. You don't…
Do you want my tinfoil hat?
No, because you need that. No, it's okay. Thanks.
Please. Let me do something.
Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.
You buy me a soda and then we're even. Okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Keep the change.
- Thanks, Lizzy. - Sure you don't want a pretzel?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks. - See you.
A thumb?
I know. I opened it up and there it was,
just floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Maybe it's a contest, you know? Like "Collect all five."
- Does anyone wanna see? - No, thanks.
- Don't do that. Come on. - Cut that out.
It's worse than the thumb.
This is so unfair.
- Why is it unfair? - So I have a flaw. Big deal.
Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying?
And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word.
And Monica, with that snort when she laughs.
What the hell is that thing?
I accept all those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this?
Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody, or just him?
Well… I could live without it.
Is it a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right? I think it's endearing.
You do, do you?
There's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Indeed there isn't.
I should really get back to work.
Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
The hair comes out and the gloves come off.
Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
No.
Okay. I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
We talking about the coyotes here?
All right. A cow got through.
Can you believe it?
It's just, you know what? I just don't feel the thing.
They feel the thing. I don't feel the thing.
Honey, you should always feel the thing.
If that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him.
I know, it's just gonna be really hard.
Yeah, he's a big boy. He'll get over it.
No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
Do you have any respect for your body?
Don't you realize what you're doing to yourself?
I've had it with you and your cancer,
and your emphysema and your heart disease.
The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Chandler? It's Alan. He wants to speak to you.
Really? He does?
Hey, buddy. What's up?
She told you about that?
Yeah. I have one now and then. Yeah, now.
It's not that bad…
That's true.
Gee, no one's ever put it like that before.
Okay. Thanks.
God, he's good.
- If only he were a woman. - Yeah.
Oh, Lamb Chop.
How old is that sock?
If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too.
Okay, I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
Hey.
Where's Joey?
Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him.
Do you think that was wrong?
- I think he's across the hall. - Thanks.
There you go.
I'm alive with pleasure now.
Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop Tart?
Does anyone want the rest of this Pop Tart?
I might.
I'm sorry.
Those stupid soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb.
- Oh, my God. - Seven thousand dollars?
And on my way over here, I stepped in gum.
What is up with the universe?
What's going on?
Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.
Joey…
- Okay. - Come on.
- Please, guys, we have to talk. - Wait. I'm getting a déja vu.
No, I'm not.
- All right, we have to talk. - There it is.
Okay, it's about Alan.
There's something you should know.
Oh, man, there's really no easy way to say this.
I've decided to break up with Alan.
Is there somebody else?
No. It's just…
Things change. People change.
We didn't change.
So that's it? It's over?
Just like that?
You let your guard down.
You start to really care about someone, and I just…
- I could go on pretending… - Okay.
No. No, that wouldn't be fair to me,
it wouldn't be fair to Alan, or to you.
Yeah, who wants fair?
I just want things back the way they were.
- I'm sorry. - She's sorry. I feel better.
I just can't believe this.
With the holidays coming up. I wanted him to meet my family.
I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans.
Yeah, right.
- Are you guys gonna be okay? - We'll be fine.
We're just gonna need a little time.
I understand.
- I'm really sorry. - Yeah. I'm sorry too.
But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved.
- Relieved? - Yeah, well…
I had a great time with you. I just can't stand your friends.
Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?
That was fun.
Yeah. He could row like a Viking.
- Hi. - Hi.
So how'd it go?
- You know. - Did he mention us?
He says he's really gonna miss you guys.
You had a rough day?
- You have no idea. - Come here.
- That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. - No.
I don't care. Game's over. I'm weak.
I've gotta smoke. I've gotta have the smoke.
If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000.
Yeah, all right.