No, we're done. We're done, man.
Aunt Silv, stop yelling.
All I'm saying is, if you had told me vegetarian lasagna,
I would've made vegetarian lasagna.
The meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.
Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Yep. You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus,
no compass,
and I could find my way out like that.
This is cool.
It says in some parts of the world people actually eat the placenta.
And we're done with the yogurt.
Sorry.
Aunt Silv, I did this as a favor. I am not a caterer.
What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas?
Nice talk, Aunt Silv.
You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
Ross, listen.
Do you know that right now your baby is only this big?
This is your baby.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hello.
How come you don't live with Mommy?
How come Mommy lives with that other lady?
What's a lesbian?
Honey, you can say it. It's Poconos.
It's like "poke a nose."
Poke a nose.
- So did I hear "Poconos"? - Yes.
My sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
First weekend away together.
- Yeah, it's a big step. - I know.
It's just a weekend. Big deal.
Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling?
Shouldn't it be flung by now?
We are way past the "fling" thing.
I'm feeling things I've only read about in Danielle Steel books.
When I'm with him, I'm just totally, totally…
Nauseous. I'm physically nauseous.
What am I supposed to do? Call Immigration?
I could call Immigration.
I love babies with their little baby shoes,
and their little baby toes and their little hands…
Okay, you're gonna have to stop that
forever.
Need a new table.
You think?
- Come on in. - Hey. Hello.
I brought the books,
and Monica sends her love along with this lasagna.
Great.
Is it vegetarian? Because Susan doesn't eat meat.
I'm pretty sure that it is. Yeah.
So I got the results of the amnio today.
- Tell me. Is everything? - Totally and completely healthy.
That's great. That is great.
When did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
That's our friend Tanya.
Of course it's your friend Tanya.
Don't you wanna know about the sex?
The sex?
Yeah, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together.
But when you throw in Tanya…
The sex of the baby, Ross.
You know the sex of the baby?
- Do you want to know? - No.
No, I don't want to know. Absolutely not.
No, I think you shouldn't know until you look down there,
and see, "There it is."
Or isn't.
- Hello, Ross. - Susan.
So?
- So did you hear? - Yes, we did. Everything's A-okay.
That's so cool.
It really is.
Do we know?
We certainly do. It's going to be a…
Hello?
See, a guy who doesn't wanna know standing right here.
Is it what we thought it would be?
What?
Okay, what did we think it was gonna be? No, no, no.
I don't want to know. Don't want to know. Okay.
I should probably just go.
- Thanks for the books. - No problem. Okay.
Susan.
All right, who should we call first? Your folks or Deb and Rhona?
Hello?
Never mind. I don't wanna know.
Okay, so just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
That's the rule.
What rule? There's no rule. If anything, you owe me a table.
How did you get there?
I believe this piece of furniture was fine
until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delveccio.
You knew about that?
The impressions you made in the butter,
left little to the imagination.
Okay. How about if we split it?
What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Yeah.
Do you think we're ready for something like that?
- Why not? - It's just a big commitment.
What if one of us wants to move out?
- Why, are you moving out? - I'm not moving out.
You'd tell me if you were moving out, right?
Yes, it's just that, with my last roommate…
I know all about Kip.
We bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married,
and things got pretty ugly.
So let me ask you something.
Was Kip a better roommate than me?
Don't do that.
You've got a couple changes in your schedule.
Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30.
And Ms. Summerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Okay. Thanks.
Here comes your 3:00.
I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum.
Paolo. Hi. What are you doing here?
Rachella tell me you
massage?
Yeah, well, Rachella's right. Yeah.
Okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's just start.
I am
being naked?
That's really your decision. Some people prefer to take off…
Being naked.
I can't believe you don't want to know. I could not know.
If the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows…
And Monica knows.
How could you? I don't even know.
Carol called to thank me for the lasagna. I asked. She told me.
So, what's it going to be?
Great. Now he knows and I don't know.
I'm sorry. I'm just excited about being an aunt.
Or an uncle.
- Hey, Phoebe. - Hey, Pheebs.
Fine.
- Phoebe, what's the matter? - Nothing. I'm sorry.
I'm just… I'm out of sorts.
Can we get some cappuccino over here?
Right. That's me.
Hey, Chandler. That table place closes at 7. Come on.
Fine.
Phoebe. What is it?
- You know Paolo? - I'm familiar with his work, yes.
Look, he made a move on me.
- The store will be open tomorrow. - More coffee over here, please.
What happened?
He came in for a massage, and everything was fine until…
- My God. - Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm sure.
And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Was it?
Boy Scouts could've camped under there.
Ooh.
- "Ooh," what? - Ma Thurman.
- The actress. - Uma Thurman!
Thanks, Rach.
- What are you gonna you do? - You have to tell her.
You have to tell her. It's your moral obligation as a friend,
as a woman. I think it's a feminist issue. Guys?
- Yeah, you have to tell her. - Feminist issue? That's where I went.
- She is gonna hate me. - Yeah, well.
Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here, how about that one?
That's patio furniture.
So what? Like people are gonna come in and think, "I'm outside again."
Fine.
What about the birds?
I don't know. Birds just don't say: "Hello, sit here. Eat something."
You pick one.
How about the ladybugs?
So forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining?
Fine. Do you want the birds? Get the birds.
Not like that, I won't.
Kip would've liked the birds.
- Hey. - Hi, Pheebs.
Are you moving out?
No, these aren't all of my suitcases.
This one's Paolo's.
Rachel, can we talk for a sec?
Sure. Just for a sec, though, because Paolo's on his way over.
Okay.
- Pheebs… - Okay.
We haven't known each other for that long a time.
And there are three things that you should know about me.
One, my friends are the most important thing in my life.
Two, I never lie.
And three, I make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies in the world.
Okay. Thanks, Pheebs.
My God.
Why have I never tasted these before?
I don't make them a lot,
because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.
God.
You're right. These are the best oatmeal-raisin cookies I've ever had.
- Which proves that I never lie. - I guess you don't.
Paolo made a pass at me.
So, what do you think?
I think it's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
I know.
So how does this work? Gonna balance the plates on these little heads?
Who cares? We'll eat at the sink. Come on.
Heads up, Ross.
Score! You suck.
Are you okay?
I need some milk.
I've got milk.
Here you go.
Better?
No.
I feel so stupid.
I think about the other day, with you guys, you know.
And I was all, "Paolo. He's so great. He makes me feel so…"
God.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm the one he hit on.
I unleashed him on you. If I'd never met him,
this would've never happened.
- I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Wait.
- What are we sorry about? - I don't know.
Right. He's the pig.
- Such a pig. - Oh, God, he's such a pig.
- He's like a big disgusting pig… - Yeah, like a…
- Pig man. - Yes, good. Okay.
But he was my pig man.
How did I not see this?
I know!
Because…
He's gorgeous.
And he's charming.
- And when he looks at you… - Okay. Okay, Pheebs.
The end.
God.
Should I not have told you?
No, trust me, it's much better that I know.
I just liked it better before. It was better.
I think she took it pretty well.
Paolo's over there right now, so…
Yeah, we should get over there and see if she's okay.
Just one second.
- Score. - Game. Us.
Yes.
Come on, Pheebs.
It looks like we kicked your butts.
No, no. She kicked our butts.
You could be on the Olympic "Standing There" team.
Come on. Two on one.
What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy.
It's time for you to swoop in.
- What? Now? - Yes. Now is when you swoop.
You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out,
the first guy Rachel sees is you.
She's got to know that you're everything he's not.
You're like… Like the anti-Paolo.
My Catholic friend is right.
She's distraught. You're there for her.
You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in:
The Age of Ross.
See this? See?
- How's it going? - Don't stare.
She just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony.
Now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving.
Okay, that is either, "How could you?" Or "Enormous breasts."
Here he comes.
I am
to say goodbye.
Okay, bye-bye.
Paolo.
I really hate you for what you did to Rachel.
But I still have five of these,
so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
Paolo, I just wanna tell you,
and I think I'd speak for everyone when I say…
Just look at her.
You guys, I really think only one of us should go out there,
so she's not overwhelmed.
- Right. - And I really think it should be me.
Hey.
You all right?
I've been better.
Come here.
Listen, you deserve so much better than him.
You know? I mean, you…
You should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
- Ross… - What?
I'm so sick of guys.
I don't want to look at another guy.
I don't want to think about another guy.
I don't even want to be near another guy.
Ross, you're so great.
- Are you all right? - Are you okay?
Medium.
- Any cookies left? - Yeah.
See, Rach…
I don't think swearing off guys altogether is the answer.
I really don't.
I think what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
No. No. I just need to be by myself for a while.
- I just gotta figure out what I want. - No, no.
See, because not all guys out there are gonna be a Paolo.
No, I know. I know.
And I'm sure your little boy's not gonna grow up to be one.
- What? - What?
I'm having a boy?
No.
No. In fact, you're not having a boy.
I'm having a boy.
Am I having a boy?
You're having a boy.
- I'm having a boy. - Yes!
- What? - What is it?
I'm having a boy.
We already knew that.
I'm having a son.
Yes. And that would be a shutdown.
Shutout!
Where you guys going? Come on, one more game.
- It's 2:30 in the morning. - Yeah. Get out.
You guys are always hanging out in my apartment.
Come on, I'll only use my left hand.
Come on, wussies.
All right. Okay. I gotta go.
I'm going.
And I'm gone.
- One more game? - Yeah.