I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That is it. You just barge in here.
- You don't knock. - I'm sorry.
You have no respect for anybody's privacy.
- Rachel, wait, wait. - No, you wait.
- This is ridiculous… - Can I just say one thing?
What? What?
That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your…
nippular area.
Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient
who thinks things are like other things, you know?
Like when the phone rings and she takes a shower.
That's pretty much it.
But you tell it really well, sweetie.
Aw, thanks. Okay.
Now, go away, so we can talk about you.
Okay. I'll miss you.
- Isn't he great? - He's so cute.
And he seems to like you so much.
I know, I know, he's so sweet
oh, and so complicated, you know.
And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky.
So you think you'll do it on his couch?
I don't know. I don't know. I think that's a little weird.
You know, it's vinyl.
Okay. You guys want anything else?
Oh, yes, could I have one of those…
No, I'm sorry. We're all out of those.
- Anybody else? - Okay.
Did I, uh, did I miss something between…
No. She's still upset because I saw her boobies.
Well, what? What-what were you doing seeing her boobies?
It was an accident, it's not like I was across the street
with a telescope and a box of doughnuts.
Okay, okay. Can we change the subject, please?
Yeah, 'cause, hello, these are not her boobies.
These are her breasts.
Okay, Pheebs. I was hoping for more of a change.
I don't know why you're so embarrassed.
They were very nice boobies.
Nice? They were nice?
I mean, t-t-that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
Okay. Rock. Hard place. Me.
You're… you're… you're so funny.
He's really funny.
I wouldn't want to be there when-when the laughter stops.
Back up there, sparky.
What did you mean by that?
Well, it just seems as though that
maybe you have intimacy issues, you know
that you use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.
I mean, hey. I just met you. I don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right?
Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Uh-huh. How did you know that?
It's textbook.
- Hey, you guys. - Hey, Joe.
- You all know my dad. - Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, how long you in the city?
Just for a couple of days. I got a job Midtown.
I figured I'm better off staying with the kid
than hauling my ass back and forth on a ferry.
I don't know this one.
- Oh, this is my friend, Roger. - Hi.
- Good to meet you, Roger. - You too, sir.
What happened to the puppet guy?
Dad.
Oh, oh. Excuse me.
So, Ross, how's the wife?
0 for two, huh?
Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny.
I got to go. Miss you too.
I love you, but it's getting real late now…
- Let me say hi. - Oh, wha-no wait…
Hey, ma, listen. I made the appointment with Dr. Bozita and…
Excuse me?
Did you know this isn't ma?
Her name's Ronni.
She's a pet mortician.
Sure.
So, how long you been…
Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you
to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
Since then?
No. It's only been six years.
I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head
so you'd know I wasn't always such a terrible guy.
Joe, you ever been in love?
I don't know.
Then you haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
You're one to talk.
Joe, your dad's in love big time and the worst part of it is
it's with two different women.
Oh, man, please tell me one of them is ma.
Of course, of course, one of them's ma.
What's the matter with you?
It's like if you woke up one day
and found out your dad was leading this double life.
He's, like, actually some spy working for the CIA.
That would be cool.
This blows.
Yeah. I know. I mean, why can't parents just stay parents?
Why do they have to become people?
Why do they have…
Why…
…can't you stop staring at my breasts?
What?
Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
Alright, alright. We're all adults here.
There's only one way to resolve this.
Since you saw her boobies,
I think you're going to have to show her your pee-pee.
You know, I don't see that happening.
Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.
Well, I'm not showing you my tat.
- Hello? - It's Phoebe.
And Rog.
Come on up.
Oh, good. Rog is here!
- What's the matter with Rog? - It's nothing, it's a little thing.
I hate that guy.
What, so, he was a little analytical.
That's what he does, you know. Come on. He's not that bad.
That's where you're wrong.
Why would I marry her if I thought on any level
that she was a lesbian?
I don't know. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
Why? Why would I? Why?
Why? Why? Why?
I don't know. Maybe… maybe low self-esteem.
Maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling.
- Maybe you… - Wait, wait, wait.
Go back to that sibling thing.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know, it's conceivable that you wanted
to sabotage your marriage, so that the sibling would feel like
less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.
That's ridiculous. I don't feel guilty for her failures.
So, you think I'm a failure.
- Isn't he good? - Yeah.
No, no, that's-that's-that's not what I was saying.
All these years, I thought you were on my side,
but maybe what you were doing was sucking up to mom and dad,
so they'd keep liking you better.
Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.
You're right. I mean, you're right.
It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble play palace
and the Weebles cruise ship
oh, which-which had this little lifeboat
for the Weebles to wobble in.
That's tough, tough stuff.
Come on, Pheebs. We gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.
Um, okay. Feel better, Rachel, okay?
Pheebs, we're gonna be late, sweetie.
Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
No problem.
Listen, guys, it was great seeing you again.
Yeah.
Mon, uh, easy on those cookies, okay?
Remember, they're just food. They're not love.
I hate that guy.
Goodnight, you guys.
Oh, look. It's the woman we ordered.
Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
Aw, no, thanks. I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
Uh, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Oh, oh, no, not you. Big Joey.
Oh, my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures.
I'm Ronni.
Cheese Nip?
Uh, Joey's having an embolism
but I'd go for a nip, you know.
Now, you see, most people, when their pets pass on
they want them sorta laid out like they're sleeping.
But occasionally, you get your person who wants them in a pose
like, ah, chasing their tail.
Or, uh, jumping to catch a Frisbee.
Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
That's a good one.
- Hey, Joe. - Hey, dad. Ronni's here.
- Huh? - Hi.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hello, babe.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment.
I figured you'd need it tomorrow for the meeting.
Thank you…
So, who's up for a big game of KerPlunk?
Look, I… I shouldn't have come.
I better get going. I don't want to miss the last train.
No, no, hon, I don't want you taking that thing this…
Oh, where am I gonna stay? Here?
We'll go to a hotel.
Go to a hotel.
- No, you won't. - No, we won't.
If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff.
I want you right here, where I can keep an eye on you.
You're gonna keep an eye on us?
That's right, mister and I don't care how old you are.
As long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules.
And that means, no sleeping with your girlfriend.
Wow. He's strict.
Now, dad, you'll be in my room.
Ronni, uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
Thanks. You're a good kid.
Come on. I'll show you to my room.
That sounds so weird when it's not followed by
"No, thanks. It's late."
Okay, now, this is just for tonight.
Starting tomorrow, you got to make a change.
- Six years is long enough. - What kind of change?
Well, either you break it off with Ronni…
- I can't do that. - Then you come clean with ma.
- This is not right. - Yeah, but this…
I don't want to hear it. Now, go to my room.
Hey, kicky.
- What are you doing? - Just trying to get comfortable.
- I can't sleep in my underwear. - Well, you're gonna.
I've been thinking.
You know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.
Are they end-to-end or tall like pancakes?
You know what I mean, about how I'm always going out
with all these women.
I always figured, when the right one comes along
I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, you know?
Now, I'm looking at my dad, thinking…
Hey, you're not him. You're you.
When they were all over you
to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
- No. - No.
You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business.
And that wasn't easy, but you did it.
And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along,
you will have the courage and the guts to say:
"No, thanks. I'm married."
You really think so?
Yeah, I really do.
- Thanks, Chandler. - Get off.
- Hi. - Hi.
- May I help you? - Uh, yeah, uh.
Joey said I could use your shower since, uh, Chandler's in ours.
Okay. Who are you?
Oh, uh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano.
The mistress.
- Come on in. - Oh, thanks.
- Hi, I'm Rachel. - Hi.
- Bathroom's up there. - Right.
Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?
Oh, like, uh, five minutes.
Perfect.
Fasten your seat belts. It's pee-pee time.
- Hey, Mr. Trib. - Hey. Good morning, dear.
Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.
- What's the matter with you? - I thought it was Chandler.
Whoa, what?
You were supposed to be in there so, I could see your thing.
Sorry. My thing was in there with me.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs. How's it going?
Good. Roger's having a dinner thing
and he wanted me to invite you guys.
- So, what's going on? - Nothing, it's… It's just…
It's Roger, you know.
I don't know. There's something about…
Basically, we just feel that he's…
- We hate that guy. - We hate him.
- Okay. - We're sorry, Pheebs.
- We're sorry. - Okay.
Okay, don't you think maybe, though, that it's just that
he's so perceptive that it freaked you out?
No, we hate him.
I'm sorry.
Ma. What are you doing here?
I came to give you this and this.
Big ring.
Why did you fill your father's head with all that garbage
about making things right?
Things were fine the way they were.
There's chicken in there. Put it away.
For God's sake, Joey. Really.
Hold on. You-you knew?
Of course, I knew. What do you think?
Your father is no James Bond.
You should have heard some of his cover stories.
"I'm sleeping over at my accountant's."
I mean, what is that? Please.
So, then, wha-how could you…
Do you remember how your father used to be?
Always yelling. Always yelling. Nothing made him happy.
Nothing made him happy, nothing. Not that wood shop.
Not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing.
Now, he's happy.
I mean, it's nice. He has a hobby.
Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but…
What the hell are you talking about?
- And ma, what about you? - Me? I'm fine.
Look, honey, in an ideal world
there'd be no her and your father would look like Sting.
And I'll tell you something else.
Ever since that poodle stuffer came along
he's been so ashamed of himself
that he's been more attentive.
He's been more loving.
I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.
I'm happy for you?
Well, don't be.
I mean, because now everything's screwed up.
I just want it the way it was.
Ma, I'm sorry.
I just did what I thought you'd want.
I know you did, cookie. I know you did.
So tell me.
Did you see her?
Yeah.
You're ten times prettier than she is.
That's sweet.
Could I take her?
With this ring? No contest.
What's wrong, sweetie?
Nothing. Nothing.
I, now, what's wrong?
- Come on. - Oh, okay.
It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine.
It's just, um… it's my friends.
They-they have a liking problem with you
in that, um, they don't.
They don't?
But, you know, they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see.
they don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff.
They just, you know, they think you're a little…
- What? - Intense and creepy.
But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
You're not? See, that's why you're so great.
Actually, it's quite typical behavior when you have this kind of
dysfunctional group dynamic.
You know, this kind of co-dependent, emotionally stunted
sitting in your stupid coffee house
with your stupid big cups
which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them.
And you're all, like…
"Oh, define me. Define me. Love me! I need love!"
So, you talked to your dad, huh?
Yeah, he's going to keep cheating on my ma
like she wanted, my ma's going to keep pretending
she doesn't know, even though she does
and my little sister, Tina, can't see her husband anymore
'cause he got a restraining order.
Which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.
Things sure have changed here on "Walton's Mountain."
So, Joe, are you okay?
Yeah, I guess. It's just… you know, they're parents.
After a certain point, you got to let go.
Even if you know better,
you gotta let them make their own mistakes.
And just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.
Oh, please.
If I turn into my parents, I'll either be
an alcoholic blonde chasing after 20-year-old boys or…
…I'll end up like my mom.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs.
How's it going?
Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Yeah, right.
No, no, no.
What happened?
I don't know. I mean… he's a good person.
And he can be really sweet.
And in some ways, I think he is so right for me.
It's just… I hate that guy.
Hey, Joey. What's going on?
Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express.
Next stop, Rachel Green.
Joey, what the hell were you doing?
Sorry. Wrong boobies.
Hello, Joey.
Hello, dear.