Coffee.
- Thank you. - Cappuccino.
Grazie!
And a nice hot cider for Monica.
Aw, thank you.
- Rach? - Yeah?
Why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
That's why.
Sorry.
Chandler?
Miss Tedlock, you're looking lovely today.
May I say that is a very flattering sleeve length on you?
Yes.
Mr. Costilick would like you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
Listen, if this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them.
Really, nothing at all. Really.
Nothing.
Hey, you guys. You guys.
Chandler's coming, and he says he has this incredible news.
So when he gets here, let's all act like, you know…
- Hey. - Hey.
Never mind. But it was gonna be really good.
- What's going on? - What's up?
It's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers
and Big Al calls me into his office
and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
- That is great! - Congratulations.
So I quit.
Why?
This was supposed to be a temp job.
Yeah, Chandler, you've been there for five years.
I know, but if I took this promotion
it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.
So was it a lot more money?
Doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys
that's in his office until 12:00 at night worrying about the WENUS.
"The WENUS"?
Weekly estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.
Oh, that WENUS.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know.
I'm not gonna figure it out working there.
Oh! I have something you can do.
I have this new massage client. Steve.
Anyway, um, he's opening up a restaurant…
and he's looking for a head chef.
Hi there.
Hi.
Oh, yeah, I know. You're a chef, I know, and I thought of you first.
But, um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so…
Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chefing experience.
Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Yeah. Yeah.
What kind of food is he looking for?
He wants to do something eclectic, so he's looking for someone
who can, you know, create the entire menu.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, I know.
So, what do you think?
Thanks, Pheeb. I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
Okay.
Oh, Monica. Guess what?
Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
Where you going, Mr. Suit-ey Man?
Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pilman
career counselor-a-go-go.
I added the "a-go-go."
Career counselor?
Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
I don't.
Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do.
You know, you have goals. You have dreams.
I don't have a dream.
Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
Oh, I love my life. I love my life.
Brian's Song.
The meeting with that guy went great?
So great. He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be.
It's this cute little place on 10th Street.
It's not too big, not too small. It's just right.
Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?
I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. Kind of like an audition.
And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me.
Because you can make yummy noises.
- What are you gonna make? - Yummy noises.
And, Monica, what are you gonna make?
I don't know. I don't know. It's just gotta be so great.
I know what you can make. I know.
Oh, you should make that thing, you know, with the stuff.
You know that thing with the stuff?
Okay, I don't know.
Hey, guys, anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?
How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Okay.
Does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
- Who are you going out with? - Oh, is this the bug lady?
I love you, Ross.
Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady.
She's curator of insects at the museum.
So, what are you guys gonna do?
I just thought we'd go to dinner, then bring her back to my place
and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
And he's not speaking metaphorically.
So back to your place?
You thinking maybe, heh-heh?
Well, I don't know, heh-heh.
I'm hoping heh-heh.
I'm telling you, that monkey's a chick magnet.
She's gonna one look at his furry, cute little face
and it'll seal the deal.
Celia, don't worry.
Celia, he's not gonna hurt you. Soothing tones, Celia.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Here, here. Marcel? Marcel? - I can't stand this.
- He's got his claws on my… - Yeah, all right.
Okay, try this salmon mousse.
- Good. - Yeah?
Is it better than the other salmon mousse?
It's creamier.
Yeah? Well, is that better?
I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica.
I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, you know?
God, what happened to you?
Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests,
intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn?
"You're ideally suited for a career in data processing
for a large multi-national corporation."
That's so great, because you already know how to do that.
Can you believe it?
Don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool?
You know, I just always pictured myself doing something…
Something.
Oh, Chandler, I know, I know.
Oh, hey, you can see your nipples through this shirt.
Here you go. Maybe this will cheer you up.
You know, I had a grape about five hours ago,
so I better split this with you.
It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer.
The French call it an amuse-bouche.
Well, it is amusing.
Hello? Oh, hi, Wendy.
Yeah, 8:00.
What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?
Okay, great.
All right, I'll see you then. Bye.
Ten dollars an hour for what?
I asked a waitress at work to help me out.
Waitressing?
Of course I thought of you.
But…
- But… - But, but?
But, you see, it's just this night has to go just perfect
and, well, Wendy's more of a professional waitress.
I see. Yes. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status,
so that I can waitress in the Olympics.
You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76.
Amuse-bouche?
Talk to me.
Okay…
A weird thing happened to me on the train this morning…
No, no, no. Talk dirty.
- Here? - Come on.
Come on.
Say something…
…hot.
What?
- What? - Vulva.
"Vulva"?
All right, I panicked, all right?
She took me by surprise.
You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, uh, we ended up cuddling.
You cuddled? How many times?
Shut up. It was nice. I just…
I just don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
What's the big deal? Just say what you want to do to her.
Or what you want her to do to you.
Or what you think other people might be doing to each other.
Look, I tell you what. Try something on me.
Please be kidding.
Why not? Come on.
Just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
Okay, I'm…
I'm in my apartment…
Yeah, what else?
That's it. You're not there. We're not having this conversation.
- All right. Look, I'll start, okay? - Joey, please.
Come on, come on. All right, ready? Look.
Oh, Ross.
You get me so hot, I want your lips on me now.
See?
- All right, now you say something. - I… I really don't think so.
Come on.
- You like this woman, right? - Yeah.
- You wanna see her again, right? - Sure.
Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you gonna talk dirty to her?
Now tell me you want to caress my butt.
Okay, turn around.
I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
All right, all right. I'm not looking. Go ahead.
Okay.
I want, um…
Okay, I want…
to feel…
your hot, soft skin with my lips.
There you go.
Keep going, keep going.
I…
I want to take my tongue and…
And…
Say it.
Say it!
Run it all over your body
until you're trembling with…
With?
- Funny story. - You're not gonna believe this.
It's okay. It's okay.
I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
Hey, while you were sleeping, that guy from your old job called again.
Oh. Again?
- And again and again and again. - And again.
Hello? Heh. And again.
Hey, Mr. Costilick. How's life on the 15th floor?
Yeah, I miss you too.
Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home.
Well, that's very generous.
Uh, but look, this isn't about the money.
You know? I need something that's more than a job.
I need something I really care about…
That's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?
Your dream.
Look, Al. Al, I'm not playing hardball here, okay?
This is not a negotiation. This is a rejection.
No… No, no. No, no.
No, stop saying numbers!
I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You got the wrong guy!
I'll see you Monday!
It's huge.
It's so much bigger than the cubicle.
This is a cube.
Look at this.
You have a window!
Yes, indeedy.
- With a beautiful view of… - Oh, look. That guy's peeing.
Okay. That's enough of the view. All right, check this out.
- Okay, sit down here. Sit down. - Okay.
Okay, this is great. This is great.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
Thank you, Helen, that'll be all.
Last time I do that. I promise.
Wendy, we had a deal.
Yeah, you promised.
Wendy. Wendy. Wendy!
Who was that?
Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.
That's too bad.
Bye-bye.
- Ten dollars an hour. - Nope.
Twelve dollars an hour.
Mon, I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.
Rachel, when you ran out on your wedding, I was there for you.
I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you…
Twenty dollars an hour.
Done.
- Well, hello. Welcome to Monica's. - Hello.
May I take your coat?
- Hi, Steve. - Hello, Monica.
Hello, greeter girl.
- This is Rachel. - Yeah, okay.
Everything smells so delicious.
I can't remember a time I smelled such a delicious combination of…
Okay, smells.
Well, it's a lovely apartment.
Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?
I was just being polite, but all right.
What? What's up?
In the cab on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
What?
Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, I'm with you, Cheech. Okay.
Is it dry in here?
Let me get you some wine.
Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course too.
Okay…
These are rock shrimp ravioli in a cilantro ponzu sauce,
with just a touch of minced…
…ginger.
Well, smack my ass and call me Judy.
These are fantastic.
Oh, gosh. I'm so glad you liked them.
Like them? I could eat a hundred of them.
Well, um…
That's all there is of these, but in about eight and a half minutes,
we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
"Tartlets"?
"Tartlets."
Word has lost all meaning.
Excuse me. Can I help you with anything?
You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
Oh, cool. Taco shells.
You know, these are… They are like a little corn envelope, you know?
You know what? You don't want to spoil your appetite.
Hey. Sugar-O's.
You know, if you just wait another six and a half minutes…
Macaroni and cheese. We gotta make this.
No, we don't.
Oh, okay.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, why don't you just have a seat here?
Okay.
Give me the Gummy Bears.
Yeah, I… No.
- Give them to me. - All right, we'll share.
- No. Give me the bears. - Well, then you can't have any.
- Give them to me. - This is not worth it.
Bears overboard. They're drowning.
Hey, fellas. Grab onto a Sugar-O. Save yourselves.
Help! Help! I'm drowning. Help! Help!
That's it, okay? Dinner is over.
- What? - "What"?
- Why? - "Why"?
I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this
and you can't even wait four and a half minutes
for a stupid onion tartlet?
What a tool.
You don't want to work for a guy like that.
I know. It's just…
I don't know, I just thought that this was, you know, "it."
Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.
You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
So, uh, how did it go with Celia?
I was unbelievable.
All right, Ross.
I was the James Michener of dirty talk.
It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard.
I mean, there were characters, plot lines…
Themes, a motif.
At one point, there were villagers.
Oh, and…
Well, you know, by the time we finished with all the dirty talk,
it was kind of late and we were both exhausted, so…
- You cuddled. - Yeah, which was nice.
Do you guys want to try to catch a late movie or something?
Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?
Where the hell is he?
Yes, Fran, I know what time it is,
but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy.
Oh, really? Well, let me tell you something.
You will care about it because I care about it. Got it? Good!
How's this?
Sorry. How about over here?
See, now, that just means it's working.
- Does this hurt? - No.
How about this?
There you go.
I'm gonna throw up.