- Tell him. Please tell him. - Tell him.
- Shut up. - Tell me what?
- You won't even look at him. - Oh, come on, tell me.
I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
All right, all right, all right.
Last night, I had a dream
that, you and I were…
Doing it on this table.
Excellent dream score.
Why… Why would you dream that?
More importantly, was I any good?
Well, you were pretty damned good.
Interesting, because in my dreams, I'm surprisingly inadequate.
Well, last night, you seemed to know your way around the table.
I love it when we share.
You okay there?
I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
I'm sorry. It was a one-time thing.
I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious.
Hello, Rachel.
Get off.
Give me. Can you see me operating a drill press?
I don't know. What are you wearing?
Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
Just for some short-term work.
You know, till I get back some of my massage clients.
Pirates again?
No. Nothing like that.
I'm just such a dummy.
I taught this "Massage Yourself at Home" workshop.
And they are.
Hey, hey, Chan, she could work for you.
Thanks, Joey. That's a good idea.
What? I could. I could do it. What is it?
Well, my secretary's gonna be out for a couple of weeks.
She's having one of her boobs reduced.
It's a whole big boob story.
I could be a secretary.
Well, I don't know if it's your kind of thing,
because, it involves a lot of being normal…
For a large portion of the day.
I could do that.
- What are you playing with? - It's my new beeper.
Why the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Is it, like, for dinosaur emergencies?
"Help, come quick! They're still extinct!"
No, it's for when Carol goes into labor.
She can get me wherever I am.
All she has to do is dial 55-JIMBO.
A cool phone number and a possible name for the kid.
- I'll see you guys later. - Off to see young Ethan?
Thank you.
How young is young Ethan? Young?
He's our age.
When we were?
- Okay, he's a senior in college. - College?
And this man-child has no problem with how old you are?
No, of course not.
It's not even an issue…
because I told him I was 22.
- What? - What?
- I can't pass for 22? - Well, maybe 25, 26.
- I am 26. - There you go.
Can you hear that?
Yeah.
That'll stop when you pick up the phone.
- Okay, I'm on. - Okay.
Mr. Bing's office.
No, I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
I'm not in a meeting. I'm right…
Will he know what this is in reference to?
And he has your number?
All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye-bye.
- What? - Ross says hi.
This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Well, now I actually have to get to work.
"Most likely."
- Okay, I'm gonna be out there. - Okay.
- All right. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
Yes?
What you doing?
Okay, windows are clean, candles are lit.
Belt's too tight. Gotta change the belt.
Did I turn the fish? Nope, because I made lasagna.
- Am I out of control? - Just a touch.
Mon, I don't understand.
I mean, you've been dating this guy since, like, his midterms.
I mean, why all of a sudden are you so?
What?
Could tonight be the night?
I don't know.
Look, he's a great guy, and I love being with him, but, you know…
Things happen when they happen. You don't plan these things.
- So did you shave your legs? - Yeah.
Would you let it go, Ross? It was just a dream.
It doesn't mean…
This is it. Oh, my God! It's baby time. Baby time!
All right, relax, relax, just relax, just relax. Be cool.
Yeah, hi, I was just beeped.
No, Andre is not here. Third time today.
Yes, I am sure.
No, sir, I do not perform those kind of services.
Services? Oh, services.
Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's right. "JUMBO" with a U, sir.
No, you don't want me.
Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment.
Yeah. Alrighty, bye-bye.
- Hey, hey. How was the first day? - Hey.
Excellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
See? It pays to know the man who wears my shoes.
Me.
I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
- Why not? - Well, because, you know.
They don't like you.
- What? - I thought you knew that.
Nah-uh.
- Who doesn't like me? - Everyone.
Except for…
No. Everyone.
- What are you talking about? - Don't feel bad.
You know, they used to like you a lot.
But then you got promoted, and now you're all, like, Mr. Boss-Man.
You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing. Boss-Man Bing.
- I can't believe it. - Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
- They do me? - Yeah.
You know, like, okay:
"Could that report be any later?"
I don't sound like that.
- Chandler. - Yeah, you do.
"The hills are alive with the sound…
of music."
"My scone!"
Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.
That is so not… That is so not… That…
Oh, shut up!
You did not.
I am telling you, up until I was 9…
I thought gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happened.
How is that possible?
Think about it. It's always on the news.
"A man is being held up at Gunpoint."
"Tourists are being terrorized at Gunpoint."
And I just kept thinking, "Why do people continue to go there?"
- I should go. - Okay.
Okay.
- Unless… - What?
Unless you wanna stay over.
I mean, I'm going to. So…
Yeah, I'd really like that.
Before we get into any staying-over stuff,
there's something you should know.
Okay. Is this like "I have an early class tomorrow"
or "I'm secretly married to a goat"?
Well, it's somewhere in between.
You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not…
Well, I mean, I haven't ever…
- Ethan? - Yeah?
Are you a virgin?
Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days,
then yes, I am.
I've kind of been waiting for the right person.
- Really? - Yeah.
You do know I was talking about you, right?
You keep saying that.
You know, you read about it. You see it in the movies.
Even when you practice it at home, man, oh, man…
It is nothing like that.
Listen, listen.
You told me something that was really difficult for you.
And, well, I figure if you can be honest, then I can too.
- God, don't tell me I did it wrong. - No.
No, no, no.
Nothing wrong about that.
Okay. Here goes.
I'm not 22.
I'm 25.
And 13 months.
But I figure, you know, that shouldn't change anything.
I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are?
Listen…
as long as we're telling stuff
I have another one for you.
I'm a little younger than I said.
You're not a senior?
I'm a senior.
In high school.
Okay.
What we did was wrong.
God. I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the bicentennial.
I just had sex.
Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
- You never told me how old you were. - That's different.
My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states.
- What were you thinking? - I wasn't. I was busy falling…
- Don't say it. - … in love with you.
Really?
Sorry.
Well, fall out of it.
You know, you shouldn't even be here. It's a school night.
Oh, God!
I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad.
I'm Joan Collins.
Who?
Okay, Andre should be there in about 45 minutes.
Alrighty. Bye-bye.
It's just easier that way.
Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
No. Forget it.
Well, why not? Was I doing something particularly saucy?
All right, fine.
Well, you were not the only one there.
Joey was there too.
All right.
Was there…
…anybody else there?
- No. - You sure?
Nobody, handing out mints or anything?
No, it was just the three of us.
So tell me, was it like you and Chandler and then you and me,
or you and me and Chandler?
- You know what? - What?
There were times…
when it wasn't even me.
That is so sweet, you guys.
- Hey, Mon. - Mon.
Mon, Ethan called again.
Mon?
Mon!
- What? - Ethan called again.
- You're not seeing him anymore? - No.
You know, sometimes just things don't work out.
And this has nothing to do with the fact
that he needs a note to get out of gym?
I didn't say any… I did not say anything, I swear.
He stopped by.
Next time you talk to him,
could you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
Oh, my life is just so amusing. Can we drop it now?
Sorry. Sorry.
It's morphing time.
- Stegosaurus! - Tyrannosaurus!
I gotta go.
Head rush.
One more and then I have to go.
Cool.
Where you going?
I got a birthday party with some work people.
Work people?
- Nobody told me. - No, I know.
That's part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you extravaganza.
Know what? I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends.
Just because I'm in charge, doesn't mean I'm a different person.
Well, then you should come tonight, just hang out with them.
Let them see what a great guy you still are.
- You think I should? - I really do, yeah.
- Okay. Okay. - Okay.
Oh, but, could we not go together?
I don't wanna be the geek who invited the boss, you know?
I think last night was great.
You know, the karaoke thing? Tracy and I doing "Ebony and Ivory"?
You were great. But they still made fun of you.
What?
Now you're more like Mr. Caring-Boss.
Mr. "I'm-One-of-You"-Boss.
Mr. "I-Wanna-Be-Your-Buddy" Boss-Man-Bing.
Then I don't get it.
Well, you know what, Chandler? I think you just gotta face it.
You're, like, the guy in the big office, you know?
You're the one that hires them and fires them.
- They still say you're a great boss. - They do?
Uh-huh.
But they're not your friends anymore.
- But I just want to… - No, but you can't.
But I just want…
Aren't you gonna…
Carol and I have a new system.
If she punches in "911," it means she's having a baby.
- Otherwise, I just ignore it. - What about Andre?
This morning he got a call from what I think was our cousin Nathan.
And frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
Hey.
That was gonna be my opener.
Hey, did you guys check out those new hand dryers in the bathroom?
- I thought that was just a rumor. - True story.
All right, look, I gotta tell you something.
I'm not 17.
I only said that so you'd think I was cute and vulnerable.
I'm actually 30.
I have a wife. I have a job. I'm your congressman.
Monica, this is ridiculous. We are great together.
We can talk, we make each other laugh. And the sex. Oh, man.
Okay, I have no frame of reference, but I thought that was great.
- It was. - Then what's the problem?
Ethan, it's…
It's icky.
Icky?
You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
Look, this isn't easy for me either.
I wish things were different.
If you were a few years older or I was a few years younger
or we lived in biblical times…
- I could really… - No, don't say it.
Love you.
- Are your hands still wet? - They're moist.
- Yeah, right? Ahem. - Let's dry them again.
Or, like, "Could these margaritas be any stronger?"
- Hey, Chandler. - Hello, Mr. Bing.
Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers,
I'm gonna need them on my desk by 9:00.
- Sure. - No problem.
You have to give them something, you know?
Okay, that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the mustache?
- Petrie. - Petrie. Right, right, okay.
Well, some people are gonna be working…
this weekend.
That's nice!
Ross.
- Ross? - I'm here.
You are?
We were just…
What?
Great. Now I'm having a baby.
What?
No. I'm having… I'm having a baby!
- Oh, my God. - I'm having a…
- The phone, the phone! - The phone. I don't have the phone.
- Ross? - I'm hurt.
Monica, let's go. Come on, now, people. Woman in labor.
- Ross, look what I got going here. - Yeah, save it for the cab, okay?
What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.
- Joey, get out of the fridge. - All right, all right.
- What is that? - For the ride.
- Yeah, like in a cab you… - Save it.
- Okay, hating this. - Monica, come on, now. Let's go.
Baby coming. God.
I can't believe it. I'm gonna be an aunt.
- Oh, that's… - I'm gonna have a nephew.
Oh, that's nice. Get out.
- Come on. - Let's go, come on.
Okay. Okay.
All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.
- Here we go. Here we go. - Rossy. Rossy.