Mom, would you relax?
That was 10 blocks from here, and the woman was walking alone at night.
I would never do that.
Mom, come on, stop worrying.
This is a safe street. This is a safe building. There's nothing...
Aah! Oh, my God! What are you doing in here?
Mom, I gotta go. I gotta go.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
That's fine, you just read the paper.
I'm gonna get a pot.
It's not for you.
Okay, that's fine.
Read the Family Circus...
enjoy the gentle comedy...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ugh. Oh, God. Oh, God.
It's open, you guys.
- Hi. - Hi. Can I help you?
I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Uh, no, she doesn't. But I can get a message to her.
Great. Uh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
Her what? Aah!
Hey, how did you do that?
This is unbelievable, Pheebs. How can you be married?
I'm not "married" married, you know?
He was just a friend, and he's gay...
and he was from Canada, and he needed a Green Card.
I can't believe you married Duncan.
I mean, how could you not tell me?
We lived together, we told each other everything.
I'm sorry, Monica, but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgmental...
and would not approve.
Of course I wouldn't approve.
You were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay.
I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
See? And you thought she'd be judgmental.
Okay, I wasn't in love with him. I was just helping out a friend.
Please. When he left town, you stayed in your pajamas for a month.
And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
Well, didn't you?
I might have.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Come on. Like you tell me everything?
What have I not told you?
Ooh, I don't know. Um...
how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours...
from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace.
What? - Wait a minute. Who told you?
You are dead meat.
I didn't know it was a big secret.
Oh, it's not big. Not at all.
You know, kind of on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a third nipple.
You have a third nipple?
You bitch.
- Whip it out. Whip it out. Yeah, yeah.
No, come on. There's nothing to see. It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Oh, as opposed to your other multifunctional nipples?
I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
I don't know. You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.
- Let me see it again. Yeah, show us your nubbin.
Joey was in a porno movie.
If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
Oh, my God. You were in a porno?
All right, all right. I was young and I just wanted a job, okay?
But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it.
So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't...
because there's people having sex on it.
Wow.
That is wild.
- So, what's it shaped like? - Is there a hair on it?
What happens if you flick it?
So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Why, yes, Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance...
to the magical land of Narnia.
You know, in some cultures, having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility.
You get the best huts, and women dance naked around you.
Huh. Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the Tri-State area?
You know, you are so amazing. Is there anything you don't know?
Ooh, Julie's so smart. Julie's so special.
Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did.
But he's with her now. You're just gonna have to get over it.
Oh, I'm going to have to get over it.
God, see, I didn't know that's what I had to do. I just have to get over it.
Whoa.
Sassy lady. Where are you going?
Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan. He's skating tonight at the Garden.
He's in the Capades.
- The Ice Capades? - No, no, the Gravel Capades.
Yeah, the turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls? Funny.
I can't believe you're dressing up for him.
You're setting yourself up all over again.
Okay, no.
For your information, I'm going to see him so I can put all those feelings behind me.
And the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice...
to look nice for your gay husband.
Darn it, we're all out of milk.
Hey, Chandler, will you fill me up here?
Oh, I see, I see. Because of the third-nipple thing.
- Okay, sweetie, I'll see you later. - Bye.
- See you later, Rach. - Bye-bye, Julie.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, come on, cut it out.
Hey. What?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Eh. What?
- Come on, talk to me. - Okay.
What's the longest you've been in a relationship before...
having the sex?
Why? Who's not...? Are you and Julie not...?
Are you and Julie not having sex?
Well...
Technically?
- No. - Wow.
Is it because she's so cold in bed?
Or is it because she's kind of bossy, makes it feel like school?
No. No. She's great. And it's not like we haven't done anything.
I mean, we do plenty of other stuff. Lots of other stuff like...
No, no, no. Don't need to know the details.
No, it's just...
It's me.
You know, I've only been with one woman my whole life...
and she turned out to be a lesbian.
Uh-huh.
So now I've got myself all psyched out.
It's become, like, this...
this thing, and I...
You must just think I'm weird.
No. No, no, no. I don't think it's weird.
I think... I think, um, in fact...
- In fact, you know what I think? - What?
I think it's sexy.
Sexy?
Let me tell you something. As a woman...
there is nothing sexier...
than a man who does not want to have sex.
- No kidding. - Oh, yeah. In fact, you know what I'd do?
I'd wait.
- You'd wait? - Yes, absolutely. I would wait...
and wait...
Then I'd wait some more.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if she begs...
she pleads, she tells you she's gonna have sex with another man.
That just means it's working.
Women really want this?
More than jewelry.
Hi.
- Phoebe. - Ta-da.
Hi.
Ah, look at you. You look great.
Do I? Thank you.
- So do you. Sparkly. - Thanks.
So...
Wow. This is pretty wonderful, huh, Mr. Major Capades Guy.
I remember when you were just like King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.
You always said I'd make it.
Yeah, well, you know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Woo.
God, I missed you.
- I'm gonna get changed. - Okay.
Um, now.
What? Pheebs.
Oh. Right. Okay.
- Olé. - What?
The Matador, so...
Olé. Ha, ha.
- Sweetie, can you hold this for a second? - Sure.
Thanks.
- Uh, Julie? - Yeah.
Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face.
But, uh, it's gone now. You're all right.
- Hi, everyone. Hi.
Oh, listen, listen...
I wanted to thank you for, uh, our little talk before.
Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the waiting thing?
Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
Good. Ahem. What did he say?
Basically, he told me to get over myself and just do it.
So I thought about what you said and about what he said.
And, well, his way, I get to have sex tonight, so...
What is this in my pocket?
Why, it's Joey's porno movie.
Pop it in.
I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're okay watching a video...
filled with two-nippled people.
Great. People having sex. That's just what I need to see.
What's wrong with people having sex?
Well...
Well, um, you know, these movies are offensive...
and, uh, degrading to women and females...
And, uh, the lighting's always unflattering.
And...
- Monica, help me out here. - Hell, I wanna see Joey.
So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right...
Oh. Never mind.
Okay, now, wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
All I say is, she better get the job.
Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
Shh. Hey, here I come. Here I come.
See, I'm coming to fix the copier.
I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking, "What do I do? What do I do?"
So I just watch them have sex.
And then I say... Here's my line.
You know, that's bad for the paper tray.
- Nice work, my friend. - Thank you.
Wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me.
There I am. There I am. There I am.
So, um... So, what's up? You came to see me yesterday.
Oh, yeah, um...
All right.
I kind of need a divorce.
Okay.
How come?
Um, actually, I'm getting married again.
What?
Oh, God, I don't know how to tell you this.
I'm straight.
Yeah, I know.
I don't understand. I don't understand. How can you be straight?
I mean, you're so smart and funny...
and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
I know. That's what I kept telling myself.
But you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
So how long have you known?
I guess on some level I always knew I was straight.
I thought I was supposed to be something else.
You know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay. I was just trying to fit in.
And, um... And there's actually a woman?
- Her name's Debra. - Oh.
Well, is she the first that you've been with?
Well, I've never told you this...
but there were one or two times back in college...
when I'd get really drunk and go to a straight bar...
and wake up with a woman next to me.
But I told myself it was the liquor, and everyone experiments in college.
Sure.
But now I know I don't have a choice about this. I was born this way.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years...
and you think you know him.
And then one day he says, "Oh, I'm not gay."
I'm... I'm still me.
Why couldn't you just have figured this out six years ago?
You know, it still smells like monkey in there.
Well, that saves us the conversation.
Well, this has been great, but I'm officially wiped.
- Me too. We should get going. No.
No. I mean... No. Come on, you guys.
Come on, look, it's only 11:30.
Let's just talk. We never just hang out and talk anymore.
Rachel, that's all we do.
Maybe that's all we do. What about Julie?
Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now...
and we don't really know you.
I mean, who is Julie?
I mean, what do you like? What don't you like?
We want to know everything.
Well, heh, that could take a while.
So?
I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
- I got the time to get to know Julie. - I got time, yeah.
Uh, Rach, ahem, I know her pretty well. Can I go?
That's fine.
Okay, Julie, so let's start with your childhood. What was that like?
- Well, in a nutshell... - Ah-ah-ah.
So, um, have you told your parents?
No, but it'll be okay. They're pretty cool.
My brother's straight, so...
Here you go.
You know what? I just have one more question. Um...
If you had figured this out sooner, and, um, I had been around...
do you think I would have been the one who?
No, no. That's all right. Don't tell me.
I don't think either answer would make me feel better. Here.
I love you, Phoebe.
So your brother's straight, huh?
Seriously.
- And my second-grade teacher was Miss Thomas...
and my first-grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
Ahem. Mrs. Gobb?
No, Cobb. Like cobb salad.
Hmm, okay.
Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?
I'm going home.
Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?
Good night.
Whew.
So it's pretty late. You're probably, uh, not still planning on...
- Oh. No, no, I am. - Oh.
Well, hey, are you nervous?
No, no. I, uh...
I have done it before.
Well, okay, I mean, how are you gonna handle it?
Are you gonna talk about it beforehand? Are you just gonna pounce?
I, uh... I don't know. I guess I'm just gonna...
see what happens.
Okay. Good luck.
What...? Uh...
- What? - Nothing. I mean, um...
It is your first time with her, and, you know, if the first time doesn't go well...
well then, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
Okay, now I'm nervous.
Maybe you should put it off.
No, I don't want to put it off.
God, I'm just... I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable.
And now I'm actually happy.
You know, I mean, really happy.
I just don't wanna...
I don't wanna mess it up, you know?
I know.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
No, it's not your fault.
Right.
Maybe it doesn't have to be this tough.
Maybe you were on the right track with that whole, you know, spontaneous thing.
- I mean, women really like that. - Really?
Yeah. I mean, you know, if...
I mean if it were me, I'd, you know, want you to...
- What? - I don't know, catch me off guard.
You know, with, like, a really...
good kiss.
You know, really...
sort of, um, soft at first.
And then maybe, um, brush the hair away from my face.
And then look far into my eyes...
in a way that lets me know something...
amazing is about to happen.
Uh-huh.
And then, I don't know, then...
you'd pull me really close to you so that...
So that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you.
And, um, it would get kind of...
sweaty...
and, uh... And blurry.
And then it's just happening.
Oh.
Thanks, Rach. Good night.
Oh, God.
Good morning.
Well, somebody got some last night.
Twice.