- Ross kissed me. - No!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It was unbelievable.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, alright. We want to hear everything.
Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.
Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
Oh, it ended very well.
Do not start without me!
Okay, alright. Let's hear about the kiss.
Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips
or was it like a, you know, "I got to have you now" kinda thing?
Well, at first, it was really intense, you know,
and then… oh, God.
And then we just sort of sunk into it.
Oh, so okay, was he holding you
or-or was his hands, like, on your back, you know?
No, actually, first they-they, they started out on my waist
and then, they slid up and then, they were in my hair.
And, uh… and then I kissed her.
- Tongue? - Yeah.
Cool.
Alright, check out this bad boy.
Twelve megabytes of RAM. 500 megabyte hard drive.
Built-in spreadsheet capabilities
and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 bps.
Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Games and stuff.
There are no jobs! There are no jobs for me.
Wait, here's one.
Would you be willing to cook naked?
There's an ad for a naked chef?
No, but if you're willing to cook naked
then you might be willing to dance naked,
and then…
- Hi. - Hey.
Oh, so… how'd you make out last night?
That-that is funny. That is painfully funny.
No, wait. Wait.
Yeah, that's just painful.
Wait a minute. I thought last night was-was great.
Yeah, it was, but… I get home, okay?
And I see Julie's saline solution on my night table
and I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, my God, what the hell am I doing?"
I mean, here I am, I'm with Julie, this incredible, great woman
who I care about and-and who cares about me
and I'm, like, "What, am I just gonna throw all that away?"
You got all that from saline solution?
Wait a minute, we're talking about Rachel here.
- You and Rachel. - Well, believe me.
I've been dreaming about me and Rachel
for, like, ten years now, but now, I'm with Julie,
you know, so it's like, me and Julie, me and Rachel,
me and Julie, me and Rach…
Rachel, Rachel.
- Hey, you. - How are you?
- Good. How are you? - Good. Good.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, Julie. Hi… Julie!
Julie.
Um… how are you?
- Good. - Good.
So everybody's here.
Everybody's good.
So were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
Oh. Well, actually…
- Play it! - Okay.
Alright.
Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
What?
Okay, um… hi.
Hello. Hi! Okay.
So…
…this is a song, um, about a love triangle
between three people that I made up.
It's called, um, "Two of them kissed last night."
There was a girl
We'll call her Betty
And a guy, let's call him Neal
Now
I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real
And now our Neal must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie
He must decide
Even though I made him up
He must decide
Well, this is a nice resume.
Nice, nice, nice.
Muy impressivo!
Uh, so, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail?
The ad-the ad wasn't too clear.
Mockolate.
- I'm sorry? - Mockolate.
It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
Well, go ahead. Try a piece.
Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
Alright.
Yeah?
I love how it crumbles.
Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
No, ma'am.
Well, anywho we should be getting our FDA approval any day now.
Hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving.
See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates
most of your major food preparation holidays,
Easter, Christmas, what have you.
But we're thinking, given the right marketing,
we can make Thanksgiving, the Mockolate holiday.
Wow.
Aren't you gonna swallow that?
Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Yeah. Isn't that great?
Well, anywho, we're looking for a couple of chefs
who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes.
You think you might be interested?
Abso… lutely!
See, I love creating new recipes.
I love Thanksgiving and, well, now…
…I love Mockolate.
- Really? - Especially that aftertaste.
You know, I'll tell you…
…that'll last you till Christmas.
How about Mockolate mousse?
It's not… it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
Okay. How about Pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
What makes it Pilgrim?
We'll put buckles on it.
- Hey. - Hey.
Did Ross call?
No, I'm sorry.
Why didn't he call?
He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he?
He's gonna stay with her, and she's gonna be all,
"Hi. I'm Julie. Ross picked me, and we're going to get married"
"and have lots of kids, and dig up stuff together!"
No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do?
I mean, this-this is like a complete nightmare.
Oh, I know, this must be so hard.
"Oh, no. Two women love me!"
"They're both gorgeous and sexy!"
"My wallet's too small for my fifties"
"and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
- Hey, here's a thought, Ross. - Don't touch the computer.
Don't ever touch the computer.
Ross, listen. I got two words for you.
Threesome.
Okay, alright, look, let's get logical about this.
Okay, we'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons.
We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts,
and I can use different colors for each column.
- Can't we just use a pen? - No, Amish boy.
Alright, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun.
Rachel first.
I don't know.
I mean…
…alright, I guess you can say, she's…
…she's a little spoiled sometimes.
You could say that.
I guess, you know, sometimes, she's-she's a little ditzy, you know,
and I've-I've seen her be a little too into her looks.
Oh, and like, Julie and I, we have a lot in common
'cause we're both paleontologists, right?
But R-Rachel's just a waitress.
Waitress.
Got it. You guys want to play Doom?
Or we could keep doing this.
What else?
I don't know.
Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
Okay. Let's do Julie.
What's wrong with her?
She's not Rachel.
Okay, this is pumpkin pie with a Mockolate cookie crumb crust.
This is Mockolate cranberry cake,
and these are Mockolate chip cookies, just like the Indians served.
- Oh, my God! - "Oh, my God" good?
Oh, my God, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
Oh! Oh! Sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like.
I'm telling you, this thing won't print.
Yes, I pressed that button, like, a hundred times.
You know, for a hot line, you're not so hot.
What… what is that in the background?
Are you watching "Star Trek?"
Hey.
So how'd it go with Julie? Did you break her heart?
Yes. It was horrible.
She cried, I cried.
She threw things, they hit me.
Anyway…
I did the right thing.
So Spock actually hugs his father?
Hey, do you guys have…
- Hi. - Hi.
Where you going?
I, uh, I just got back from, uh… from Julie's.
No, no, uh, it's not what you think.
It's… it's the other thing.
Well, heh, ahem, what's the other thing? What do I think?
- Well, uh… - He broke up with Julie!
Well, go hug her, for God's sakes.
- Really? - Really.
It's always been you, Rach.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is good, this is really good.
I know, I know, It's-it's almost…
What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?
- Okay. Let me get my coat. - Okay. No, hey!
Whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.
Okay.
He's going to get my coat.
He's going to get my coat! Oh, my God, you guys, I can't believe this!
This is unbelievable!
- What's that? - What? Nothing!
What is that? I saw my name. What is it?
No, no. See? See?
Hey, it's printing!
- Well, what is it? Let me see. - Hey, someone order a coat?
Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer
and he won't let me see.
He won't, he won't?
He…
…because isn't that, isn't that the…
…the-the short story you were writing?
Yes, yes, it is the short story…
…that I was writing.
And I'm in it? Well, let me read it!
No!
- Come on! - Hey!
Uh, why don't you read it to her?
Alright!
"It was summer."
"And it was hot!"
"Rachel was there."
"A lonely gray couch!"
"Oh, look, cried Ned!"
"And then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
That's it? That's all you wrote?
You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Alright, you know what? This isn't funny anymore.
There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
No, you don't.
Alright, you know what? Fine.
If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine.
I do not need to see it!
Go, go, go!
What is this?
- That is… - That's, that's…
- Ross, what is this? - Thank you.
Good luck.
Okay, just-just remember how crazy I am about you, okay?
"Kind of ditzy?"
"Too into her looks?"
- "Spoiled?" - Now, that's, "A little spoiled."
He was supposed to type, little, the idiot.
"Just a waitress?"
Now, that, that was, uh…
I mean, as opposed to, uh…
…the, uh… okay, is-is this over yet?
- Rach? - I do not have chubby ankles!
No, I, no, no, Rach!
Okay-okay, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
"She's not rachem?"
- No. - What the hell's a rachem?
Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know
because I'm just a waitress?
Rach, come on! Rach…
Rach! Rach! No, no, no!
It's, "She's not Rachel!"
She's… she's not…
Ra… Rachel?
My diary, my diary, that's brilliant!
I should have told her it was my diary!
She never would have made me read her my diary!
No, that's true, you know, you'd be a great person
to have around the day after an emergency.
I-I cannot believe Ross even made this list.
- I know. - What a dinkus!
Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
- What? - What?
Oh, good, I was hoping that would come up.
- This was your idea? - What were you thinking?
Alright, let-let's get some perspective here, okay?
These things, they happen for a reason.
Yeah! You!
Alright, Pheebs, back me up here, okay?
You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
Yeah, listen, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Rach!
Hey! Open up! Please?
When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means, "Go away."
That doesn't mean, "Please climb up the fire escape!"
I just want to read you something, it's your pro list.
Not interested!
Okay, okay, "Number one, the way you cry at game shows."
"Number two, how much you love your friends!"
"Number three, the way you play with your hair when you're nervous!"
"Number four, how brave you are for starting your life over!"
"Number five, how great you are with Ben!"
"Number six, the way you smell!"
Hey, Ross. What are you doing?
Hey, Joey, you want to open the window?
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing out there? - I… I'm…
Oh, my gosh, you must be freezing! You know what you need,
how about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
Rach, come on. Open up.
Rach, come on. You-you got to give me another chance.
No!
- No? - That's what I said.
Look, maybe we should go.
No. You guys, you really don't have to go.
- We're done talking. - Rach, come on, look.
- I know how you must… - No! You don't, Ross.
Imagine… the worst things you'd think about yourself.
Now, how would you feel, if the one person
that you trusted the most in the world
not only thinks them too
but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
No, but, but… see, I wanna be with you
in spite of all those things.
Oh! Well, that's-that's mighty big of you, Ross.
I said, don't go!
You know what? You know what?
If… if things were the other way around,
there was nothing you could put on a list
that would, that would ever make me not want to be with you.
Well… then I guess that's the difference between us.
See, I'd never make a list.
I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of situation
before you can talk again, you know?
Maybe a little longer.
Now, in some of these recipes
the quantities may seem just a little unusual.
Uh, like these coconut-Mockolate holiday nut bars?
I've indicated four cups of coconut and four cups of crushed nut
and only, uh, one tablespoon of Mockolate.
- Doesn't matter. - What?
Our FDA approval didn't come through.
Something about laboratory rats.
- Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. - Yeah…
Hell, anywho, here's your check and…
…thank you for all the trouble you went through.
Uh, listen, you didn't, uh, eat a lot of it
while you were cooking, did you?
- Well, uh, I ate some. - Oh, some, that's fine.
Some is fine, some is not a lot.
So it-it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?
Hello?
Hi.
Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone
but my ankles are weighing me down.
Listen, I-I don't think this is the best time.
Look, can… can you do something for me?
Sure. What?
Okay.
Alright.
- Music? - Sure.
The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross.
Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did
and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
We've just gotten a call from Rachel and she told us what Ross did.
It's pretty appalling,
and, Ross, if you're listening I don't wanna play your song anymore.
Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance?
Avery, Michelle is sorry she hit you with her car
and she hopes you two will work it out.
Hi. Thanks for coming in again.
Oh, not at all. I have no morals, and I need the cash.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
Anyway, they're called Fishtachios.
Now, they taste exactly like pistachios,
but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits.
- Here. Try one. - Alright.
Oh, you're not allergic to anything, are you?
- Cat hair. - Oh. Sorry.