Ugly naked guy's decorating his tree.
Oh, my God, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
Yeah, we were gonna give $50,
but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
Oh, actually, this year, we just made him homemade cookies.
And 25 it is.
You gave him cookies?
Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares.
Alright, we're broke. But cookies do say that.
I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
Pheebs, let me ask you something. Were these, uh, "funny" brownies?
Not especially.
But you know what? I think they had pot in them.
So, you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
Uh, the mailman, the super…
Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
Oh, my God!
'What?'
Uh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
Oh, gosh!
Oh, oh, there's a cookie smashed in the sports section.
Oh, look! And he did my crossword puzzle.
Yeah, but not very well.
Unless "14 across, Gershwin musical" actually is
"bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me."
I can't believe it's Christmas already.
You know? I mean, one day you're eating turkey.
The next thing you know, your lords are a-leaping
and your geese are a-laying.
Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Hey, Rach.
I, uh, got you a little present.
I'll open it.
It's a slinky.
Remember? Huh?
What walks downstairs
Alone or in pairs
Everyone knows it's
Just a big spring
Alright, you're still mad at me because of the whole…
Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
How about from now on we just call it the "unfortunate incident"?
Hey, Gunther. You've got stairs in your place?
- Yeah. - Yeah, go nuts. Here we go.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- What's in the bag? - Mmm, just some presents.
Come on, show us what you bought.
You know you want to.
Okay.
Okay, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents.
Aw, that's cute.
I got some "hers and hers" towels for Susan and Carol.
And, uh… I got this blouse for mom.
- Ross, that is gorgeous. - Yeah?
Look at these authentic fake medals.
I tell you, mom's going to be voted best-dressed
at the make-believe military academy.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs.
- Happy Christmas eve eve. - You too.
Oh, my God. Where did you get this?
Macy's, third floor. Home furnishings.
This is my father. This is a picture of my dad.
Uh, Pheebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
No, it isn't. This is my dad. Alright, I'll show you.
Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
No, no. That's my step-dad.
My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
How have you never been on Oprah?
Okay, look, see? This is him.
My mother gave me this picture before she died.
Same guy.
Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy
posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
That's not a blue screen. It's just…
Alright, maybe it was just really clear that day.
Okay. I have to talk to my grandmother.
- Wait a minute, honey. - Pheebs, Pheebs.
- Whoa. - Wow.
So, anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me.
Joey?
Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears.
"Esther Livingston…"
Gone!
And… Hi, Pooh.
Hi, gram. What are you doing?
Oh, just updating the phone book.
Um, gram?
Um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
Oh, sure, sure.
- How come? - Just, you know, to… see him.
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Alright, well.
This is the one of your father in a meadow.
And, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite.
And here he is at a graduation.
Another graduation.
Okay. Is this really my father?
Is it really your fa…
I can't…
Well, of course, it is.
I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
Well, I…
You know, in all the years that we have been
grandmother and granddaughter you have never lied to me.
Alright, that is not your father.
That's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
Oh, God!
It was your mother's idea. You know, uh…
She didn't want you to know your real father
because it hurt her so much when he left.
And I didn't wanna go along with it but…
…well, then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her.
Not impossible, but harder.
Alright, so…
Well, he's not a famous tree surgeon?
And, then I guess, okay, he doesn't live
in a hut in Burma, where there's no phones?
Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
Okay. That makes no sense.
Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Honey.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Anyway, that's all I know.
That.
And this.
This…
…is the real him.
Oh.
You know, I remember my father all dressed up in the red suit
with the big black boots and the patent leather belt…
…sneaking around downstairs.
He didn't want anybody to see him.
But he'd be drunk so he'd stumble,
crash into something and wake everybody up.
Oh, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Who said anything about Christmas?
- Hi. - Hey.
- Anyone hear from Phoebe yet? - No, nothing.
Oh, I hope she's okay.
Yeah, I know exactly what she's going through.
How do you know exactly what she's going through?
She told us.
- So what you got there, Monica? - Just some stuff for the party.
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
You guys haven't gotten your presents yet?
Tomorrow's Christmas eve. What are you gonna do?
Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?
Oh, by the way, Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies.
Here are the ornaments your mom sent.
Well… maybe the mailman liked the cookies.
We just didn't give him enough.
Monica, pigeons learn faster than you.
Hey, Rach, you know what?
I think, I think, I know what'll make you feel better.
How about you make a list about me?
What? Forget it, Ross.
No, I'm not gonna stand here and make a list…
- Come on Rachel. - Okay. You're whiny.
You are… obsessive.
You are insecure.
You're, you're gutless.
You know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know,
you liked me for, what, a year and you didn't do anything about it.
And, uh… oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
See? There, you, uh…
Alright. You did what I said.
Yeah, and you know what? You're right. I do feel better.
Thank you, Ross.
Yeah. In Albany. Could I have the number of Frank Buffay?
Okay. Um, in Ithaca?
Alright, um, Saratoga?
Oneonta?
Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call yourself "Information."
- Hey. - Hello, grandma.
If that is, in fact, your real name.
Come on now, Pooh. Don't still be mad at me.
How's it going?
Oh, not so good.
Upstate's pretty big. He's pretty small. You do the math.
Well, I think you're better off without him.
Oh, honey, I know he's your daddy
but to me he's still the irresponsible creep
who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
I know, I just…
I just want to know who he was. You know…
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that
I didn't know exactly where he lived.
What do you mean?
He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown.
If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far.
Here, take my cab.
Wow!
Thank you.
Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.
Uh-huh. Got it.
Oh, I'm going to see my dad.
- Oh! - Oh, thank you.
Okay. Oh!
Wish me luck, grandpa.
Hey, Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. Hop in.
Well, she better get here soon. The outlet stores close at 7:00.
Hey, don't worry. I figure it will be two hours to Phoebe's dad's house.
They'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories.
We'll still have plenty of time.
Hey, here she comes.
- Hey. - Hey!
Hi.
- Hey! - Hey.
Can you believe this?
In like two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeshk!
- He, he, yeah. - Eeshk.
- Big stuff. - Okay, let's go.
- Okay. - Here. You have to hold this.
Okay.
"Brake, left. Gas, right?"
Uh-huh. Yeah. That's my cheat sheet.
Where's my seat belt?
Oh, no, no, that side doesn't have one.
The paramedics had to cut through it.
- Hey! - Hey.
Come on, just tell me, please. Please.
For the 16th time,
no, I do not think you're obsessive.
- Oh, gosh, it's hot in here. - Rach, get the heat.
Ross, could you turn the heat down, please?
Sure, and by the way there's a difference between being obsessive…
- Ross, the heat. - Fine. Okay.
Heat, heat, heat. And I'm the obsessive one.
Okay, this way is on…
…so this is…
…off.
Did you just break the radiator?
No. No, I was turning the knob and, and…
…here it is.
Well, put it back.
It, uh…
- It won't go back. - Oh! I'll call the super.
- Here. Let me try. - Oh. Oh, that's right.
I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.
Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs.
Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator
and it's really hot in here.
Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies.
Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6:00?
What? No, no. Tuesday?
We can't wait until Tuesday. We're having a party tonight.
Okay, tip the man.
No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad.
I'm not gonna be blackmailed.
Look, if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm,
we'll call it a theme party.
Hey, here's a theme, come on in, live like bacon.
Oh, this is it. 74.
Oh, so that's what this is for.
Wow. This is it.
I'm gonna meet my dad.
This is like the biggest thing ever, huh?
- Yeah. - Sure is.
Okay. Here I go. I'm going in.
- Alright. - Good luck, Pheebs.
Okay.
Here I go.
I'm going…
Hi! Welcome to our tropical Christmas party.
You can put your coats and sweaters
and pants and shirts in the bedroom.
It's hard to tell because I'm sweating.
But, I use exactly what the gel bottle says.
An amount about the size of a pea.
How, how can that be too much?
Ice?
Ice? Ice squares, anyone?
Take a napkin.
Alright.
Monica. Monica!
Monica, your guests are turning into jerky, okay?
Really? I'm perfectly comfortable.
Hey, hey, hey, get in line, buddy. I was next.
Mr. Treeger.
Uh, you said there was a party.
Oh, yeah.
- Well, hey, welcome to our sauna. - Oh, is it hot?
My body always stays cool.
Probably because I have so much skin.
Hey, cheese.
Alright. Alright, here's the chance.
Monica, give him cash. Rachel, give him your earrings.
- Uh, something. Now. Anything. - No. I will not cave.
- Yeah, I'm with Mon. - Alright.
You know how you say I never seize the day?
Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing.
Mr. Treeger?
Here is 50 bucks. Merry Christmas.
Oh, wow. I didn't get you anything.
Here's five back.
No, no. No, that's, that's your Christmas tip.
Alright? Oh, hey.
Do you think there's a chance you can fix that radiator now?
Oh, no can do. Like I told the girl. I can't get a new knob until Tuesday.
- Ross? - Yeah.
- Looks like he's playing baseball. - You mean hardball?
Whatever.
- What you gonna do? - Excuse me. I'm seizing.
Mr. Treeger.
Here's another 50.
Happy Hanukkah.
Will, uh, will this help with the knob-getting?
No. The place is not open till Tuesday.
Am I not saying it right?
So, wait… you really did like my cookies?
Oh, yeah. They were so personal. It really showed you cared.
Nice seizing… gel-boy.
So, uh… is this, uh…
…mistletoe?
No, ac… no. Uh, that… that is basil.
- Oh. - Yeah.
'Cause if it was mistletoe I was gonna kiss you.
Yeah, no. It's still basil.
Okay.
- How far did you get? - Mailbox.
- Alright. We're getting closer. - Uh-huh.
Pheebs, what's going on?
No, it's just like, you know, it's a whole mess of stuff, you know,
because like yesterday, you know,
my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy
and, you know, now he's a pharmacist guy, and…
Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
You know, and I'll knock on the door
and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad.
You know, and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy
and everyone will be really nice to me
'cause you know, I'm Frank's daughter.
Well, so why not go knock?
Well, 'cause, I mean, what if… what if he's not this great dad guy?
I mean, what if, what if, he's just still the dirt bag
who ran out on my mom and us?
- Yeah. - Hmm.
You know what?
I've already lost a fake dad this week and…
…I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Pheebs, that's okay. You took a big step today.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
You guys.
I'm sorry about your shopping.
Oh, that's okay. We'll figure something out.
Uh… listen, Pheebs, I know you're not going in there,
but you think it would be alright if I went in and used his bathroom?
Well, that's fine. Never mind. I just…
Cool! Snow!
Kind of like a blank canvas.
Ho-ho-ho-holy crap, is it hot in here.
Really? Hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
Hey, we could've used that kind of thinking earlier.
Hey, Pheebs, how did it go?
Oh… I couldn't go in.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
No, it's okay. 'Cause, I mean, I know he's there.
So, that's enough for now.
Hey, guys, it's after midnight. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Oh, that's right!
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
Hey, Monica, the knob was broken.
So, I just turned it off from underneath. I hope that's alright.
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper blades.
I don't even have a car.
No, but with this new car smell you'll think you do!
Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
Oh! Toilet seat covers!
Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
- Uh-huh. - You guys.
Okay. And for Ross. Mr. sweet tooth.
You got me a cola drink?
And… a lemon-lime!
Wow. Well, this, this is too much.
I feel like I should get you another sweater.
- No. - No.
And last but not least.
They're ribbed for your pleasure.