Okay, here's his diaper bag
and his, uh, Mr. Winky
and, uh… oh.
Him. Hi.
- So how did everything go? - Oh, great. Great.
There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident
but he started it.
- Well, we've got to go. - Okay.
Oh, right. Um, I've got some news.
- It's about us. - Oh, you and me?
Uh, no, Susan and me.
The other us.
Okay.
We're, uh… We're getting married.
As in "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?
Anyway, we'd like you to come
but we totally understand if you don't want to.
Yeah. Well, why wouldn't I want to come?
I had fun at the first wedding.
- Look, I just thought that… - No, no, no.
I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you?
You know, I mean, what would it say about me
if I couldn't, uh, revel in your joy
and I'm, I'm reveling, baby, believe me.
Is your finger caught in that chair?
Mm-hmm.
- Want us to go? - Uh-huh.
This is so cool, you're actually gonna be on television.
I know. It really hit me last night.
I'm going to be on "Days Of Our Lives."
And then I started thinking about all of us
and how these are the days of our lives.
You know?
- Yes! - What?
Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend
and she's in a full body cast.
Yes!
They want me to do it, which is really cool
seeing as I've never catered before and I really need the money, and…
This isn't a problem for you, is it?
- Would it matter? - Oh, you are so great. Thank you.
- Are you really not going? - I'm really not going.
I mean, I don't get it. They already live together.
Why do they need to get married?
Because they love each other and they want to celebrate that love
with the people that are close with them.
If you want to call that a reason.
Who's the bitterest man in the living room
The bitterest man in the living room
Hi, neighbor.
Ross, I thought you were over this.
That has nothing to do with this, okay?
She's my ex-wife.
If she were marrying a guy
none of you would expect me to be there.
Hey, if she were marrying a guy she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever.
Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
No, no, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
- Whoa, she's pretty. - Yeah.
Oh, and she's really nice too.
She taught me all about, you know,
how to work with the cameras and "Smell the fart" acting.
- Huh. - I'm sorry…
- What? - Excuse me?
It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast
that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.
So while you're thinking of it
you take this big pause, where you look all intense,
you know, like this.
- Oh. - Okay.
Oh, here's my scene! Here's my scene!
- Mrs. Wallace? - Yes?
I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Tell me, is she going to be alright?
I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected.
Your sister is suffering from a…
A subcranial hematoma.
Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.
- Nice! - Yeah?
- Excellent! - Great!
You know, for a minute there, I thought you were
actually trying to smell something.
- Do it again! - Do it.
- You're so good. - Do it again.
- Yeah, one more time. - Alright. Alright.
Damn it, Braverman, it's right there on the chart.
That's great. Alright, I got to get to work.
I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
- No, no. No, that's me. - Oh, right.
- Oh. - Hello.
Oh. Thanks. I couldn't, uh…
- Is everything okay? - Um, no.
Huh-uh. Um…
One of my clients died on the massage table today.
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Um, she was, you know, 82 years old
and, um, her name was, um, Mrs. Adelman.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, it's just so strange, I mean…
You know, she probably woke up this morning and thought
"Alright, so I'll have some breakfast and I'll take a little walk"
"and, and, you know, then I'll have my massage."
Little did she know God was thinking "Okay, but that's it."
Oh! Oh, but the weirdest thing was, okay, um…
I was cleansing her aura when it happened.
And when, when her spirit left her body,
I don't think it went very far.
What do you mean?
I, I, I think it went into me.
God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.
Well, of course, lambs are scarier.
Otherwise, the movie would have been called "Silence of the ducks."
Okay, who ordered what?
Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino
with the lipstick on the rim.
Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it…
- Is that decaf? - Oh, God.
I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom coming.
I know, but it's just, it's the first time
and I just don't want her to think that
because I didn't marry Barry, my life is total crap, you know?
You want to talk about crap
try listening to Stella Neidman tell the story
of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.
Uh, Pheebs…
How long do you think this lady will be with us?
I don't know, I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business.
Sit up!
- There she is. Hi, sweetie! - Mom!
- So this is where you work. - Yeah.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant?
Who can tell?
Well, I guess that's the fun.
Pretty much. Here, meet my friends.
Monica. You look gorgeous!
Oh, my, the last time I saw you it was eat or be eaten.
- Uh, this is Joey. - Hi.
- This is Phoebe. - Hello.
And this is Chandler. And you remember Ross.
- Oh, hello, Ross. - Hi, Mrs. Green.
So…
What do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?
Oh, mom.
Oh, hey.
If you didn't pour the coffee
no one would have anything to drink.
Believe me, sometimes that happens.
This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked.
I went straight from my father's house
to the sorority house to my husband's house.
I am just so proud of you.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
I know who it is you remind me of…
Evelyn Dermer.
Course, that's before she got the lousy facelift.
Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?
Oh, my God!
There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
You have some life here, sweetie.
I know, and mom, I realize you and daddy were upset
when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs
with all the security and everything, but…
God, this is just so much better for me, you know?
I do know.
You didn't love Barry, honey, and I've never seen you this happy.
I look at you and I think "Oh, this is what I want."
For… me.
Well, not just for you.
Well, what do you mean?
I'm, uh…
…considering leaving your father.
Alright, tell me if this is too cute.
Lesbian wedding…
Chicken breasts.
Oh, God.
I think I'm going to be sick.
What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.
You had no idea they weren't getting along?
- None. - They didn't fight a lot?
No. They didn't even talk to each other.
My God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
You know, in my day, divorce was not an option.
Hey, look who's up.
Oh, I just can't believe this is happening.
I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents
were getting divorced, you know.
I just figured as a grown-up I wouldn't have to worry about this.
Well, is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering?
I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.
Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?
You know, it's funny, when my parents got divorced,
they sent me to this shrink and she told me
that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves,
but in your case, it's actually kind of true.
- Ooh, that's him. - Damn.
My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.
- Phoebe? - Yes. Hi, Mr. Adelman.
- Nice to see you. - Hi. Thanks for meeting me.
Oh, that's alright, although you did
cut into my very busy day of sitting.
Oh. Um, oh, do you want to sit?
Oh, no, no. Please.
I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up.
Now, what can I do for you, my dear?
Oh, okay, I don't know how to say this, but, um…
I think when your wife's spirit left her body,
it, um, kind of stuck around…
…in me.
You're saying my wife is in you?
Yeah, okay, you don't have to believe me,
but can you think of any unfinished business she might have had?
Like, any reason she'd be hanging around?
Well, I don't know what to tell you, dear.
The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say
that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
- Everything? - Everything.
- Whoa. That's a lot of stuff. - Oh, wait, I, I, I remember.
She also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
Uh, I'm sorry.
There's laughing in my head.
Worth a shot, huh?
Oh, look at this!
Oh, these are all Halloween three years ago.
Oh, and look, here's Barry.
Oh, did he have to come straight from the office?
Oh, no. That was his costume.
See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.
Um, you guys, remember when I said before
"Thank you, but I don't really need your help."
Actually, what I think you said was
"Don't touch that and get the hell out of my kitchen."
Really? Weird.
Anyway, see, I planned everything really well.
I planned and I planned and I planned, just turns out
I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
Hey, Mon, you want some help?
If you want.
- Hey. - Hey.
What a day. Oh, I took her everywhere.
The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center.
The Statue of Liberty.
- She's still with you? - Yes.
I guess she hasn't seen everything yet.
Oh, I'll be right back. She has to go to the bathroom again.
Oh, such a pretty face.
Oh, this is so much fun. Just the girls.
Do you know what we should do?
Does anybody have any marijuana?
God!
Alright, look, no one's smoking pot around all this food.
Well, that's fine.
I never did it. I just thought I might.
So… what's new in sex?
What's new in sex?
Well, the only man I've ever been with is your father.
I'm dicing. I'm dicing. I don't hear anything.
I mean this as no offense to your dad, sweetie,
but I was thinking there might be more.
Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
I cannot have this conversation with you.
Alright, alright, alright.
I mean, God, you just come here and you drop this bomb on me
before you even tell daddy. What? What do you want?
- Do you want my blessing? - No.
- You want me to talk you out of it? - No.
Then what? What do you want?
Well, I guess I figured of all people, you would understand.
Why on Earth would I understand this?
You didn't marry your Barry, honey, but I married mine.
Alright, people, we're in trouble here.
We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left.
Move! Move! Move!
Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.
- Joey, speed it up. - I'm sorry. It's the pigs!
They're reluctant to get in the blankets.
Monica, how did this happen?
I thought you had this all planned out.
Do you want me to cry?
Is that what you want?
Do you want to see me cry?
Sir, no, sir.
- Alright, you. - What? No.
Look, I told you. I am not a part of this thing.
Alright, look, Ross, I realize that you have issues
with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do.
But if you don't help me cook,
I'm going to take a bunch of those little hot dogs
and create a new appetizer called "Pigs-in-Ross."
Alright, ball a melon!
Hey, how come I'm stuck dicing when he gets to ball a melon?
- Hi. - Hi. How's it going?
Oh, it's going great, right on schedule.
Got my little happy helpers.
Well, that's fine. Whatever.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Okay, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.
What?
You're still going to pay me, right?
Or something a little less selfish.
Carol, what's the matter? What happened?
My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.
Oh, my God.
I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but…
But they're my parents,
they're supposed to give me away and everything.
Okay. I'm sorry.
And then Susan and I got in this big fight
'cause I said maybe we should call off the wedding
and then she said, we're not doing this for them.
We're doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that
then maybe we should call off the wedding
and I don't know what to do.
I, uh, can't believe I'm going to say this
but I think Susan's right.
- You do? - Look, do you love her?
And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
Of course, I do.
Well, then, that's it.
And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them.
Look. I mean…
If my parents didn't want me to marry you,
no way that would have stopped me.
Alright, look this is your wedding.
Do it.
You're right. Of course, you're right.
- So we're back on? - We're back on.
You heard the woman. Peel. Chop. Devil.
I can't believe I lost two minutes.
It just seems so futile, you know?
All these women and…
…nothing.
I feel like Superman without my powers, you know?
I have the cape and yet I cannot fly.
Well, now you understand how I feel every single day.
Okay? The world is my lesbian wedding.
Butterscotch?
No one?
Alright, you'll be sorry later.
- Thank you. - Anytime.
Ross.
You know, nothing makes God happier
than when two people, any two people,
come together in love.
Friends, family, we're gathered here today
to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Oh, my God! Now, I've seen everything.
Whoa! She's gone. She's gone.
Go ahead. Get married. Go. Go.
Would you look at them?
Yeah. Can't help but.
How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you?
I wrapped those bad boys.
- I miss Rose. - Oh, yeah?
I know it's kinda weird, but, I mean…
…she was a big part of my life there, you know, and…
I don't know, I just feel kind of alone.
You know, I, uh…
couldn't help overhearing what you just said and, uh…
I think it's time for you to forget about Rose,
move on with your life.
How about we go get you a drink?
Okay. That's so nice.
I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right?
Hey, mom, you having fun?
Oh, am I? I just danced with a wonderfully large woman.
And three other girls made eyes at me over at the buffet.
Oh, I'm not saying it's something I want to pursue
but it's nice to know I have options.
Uh-huh. That's good.
There's more alcohol, right?
How you doing?
Okay.
You did a good thing today.
Yeah.
- You wanna dance? - No. That's fine.
Come on.
I'll let you lead.
Okay.
Alright, look. Penis, schmeenis, okay?
We're all people.
Okay, which one of us do you think
is going to be the first one to get married?
Uh, Mon, I was married.
- Yeah, me, too, technically. - I had a wedding.
Alright, just trying to start an interesting discussion.
Oh, I got one.
Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married?
What? Isn't Ben in this?
Of course he is.