Can't get the monkey off your back?
Then put it in your mouth.
With Monkeyshine beer.
Get monkey
Get it, get it monkey
Monkey, monkey
Monkeyshine beer. 'Cause it's a jungle out there.
That commercial always makes me so sad.
Yeah, but then, the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him,
so everything seems to work out okay.
I meant, because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
I can see that. 'Cause they both have those big, brown eyes.
And, you know, the little, pouty chin.
And the fact that they're both monkeys.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, you know, giving him away.
Well, Ross, you had to.
I mean, he was humping everything in sight.
I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie who will no longer
be wearing white to her wedding.
Yeah, remember when, sometimes, he'd borrow your hat
and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it?
Yeah, well, sure, when he did it, it was funny.
When I did it to my boss's hat…
All of a sudden, I had this big "Attitude problem."
Hey, hey. Check it out. Guess what I got.
Rhythm?
- No. My first fan mail. - Alright.
"Dear Dr. Ramoray. Know that I love you"
"and would do anything to have you."
"Your not-so-secret admirer, Erika Ford."
Oh, wait.
"PS, enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes."
You know in crazy world, that means you're married.
This wasn't addressed to "Days Of Our Lives."
This-this came to your apartment.
There's no stamp on it. This woman was in our building.
Oh, my God. I got my very own stalker!
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Oh, where are you off to, Traveling Jake?
Well, there's this paleontology conference in LA.
So I figured I'd go, and then
drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
You know, I think he will be surprised
until he realizes he's a monkey.
And, uh, you know, is incapable of that emotion.
Oh! Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
Oh? Oh, okay.
So, everyone pretend like I'm telling you a story, okay?
And it's really funny, so everyone just laugh. Now!
I know. I know.
- Hello. - Hi.
- I'm Rob Donnan. - Hi, Rob Donnan.
I don't know anything about music
but I think you're really, really great.
Oh… wow.
Anyway, I schedule performers
for the children's libraries around the city
and I was just thinking, have you ever thought
about playing your songs for kids?
Oh, I would love to have kids.
Hear, hear the, hear me play the songs
that I will write for them.
Hey, what do you want to do for dinner?
Well, we could stay in and cook for ourselves.
- Hello. - It's Erika.
- Oh, my God. The stalker. - Never mind. It's open.
Yes. Hitting her with a frying parts a good idea.
We might want a backup plan, though,
just in case she isn't a cartoon.
Let's get out of here.
- The one time they're not home. - Okay, okay.
We'll just leave and when we pass her on the stairs
she won't know it's me, 'cause we never met.
That's how radiostars escape stalkers.
She's coming.
- It's me. - Uh, this is it.
This is how we're going to die.
- You ready? - Wait, wait, wait!
- Hi. - Erika.
- Mr. Geller? - Yes. Hi.
Hi. Dean Lipson, zoo administrator.
I was told you had a question.
Well, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year.
He's a capuchin, answers to the name "Marcel."
Ah… I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Marcel has passed on.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Well, he got sick, and then, he got sicker,
and then, he got a little better,
but then, he died.
- I can't believe this. - I'm sorry, Mr. Geller.
But, you know, there's an old saying "Sometimes, monkeys die."
It's not a great saying, but…
…it certainly is fitting today.
Well, you know, someone should have called me.
I'm sorry.
Look, I know this can't bring him back, but, here.
It's just a gesture.
Zoo dollars?
Yes. And come see the bird show at 4:00.
The macaws wear hats.
Well, it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
- Ooh! - I know.
I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker.
What-what is she like?
Well, you remember Kathy Bates in "Misery?"
Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
- And she's not crazy? - Oh, no, no, no.
She's a total whack-job.
Yeah. She thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Oh, my God.
I mean, and he's going out with her? I mean, he cannot pursue this.
Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey
through the magical box in her living room
doesn't mean she's not a person.
I mean, does she not deserve happiness?
Does she not deserve love?
What are you looking at me for?
He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
- Are you okay? - No. Uh-uh.
I'm just… I'm nervous.
So, you know, maybe if I just,
if I picture them all in their underwear…
That's not a good idea. That's kind of the reason the last guy got fired.
Yeah, I'm just, I'm-I'm used to playing for grownups.
You know, they just, grownups drink their coffee
and do their grownup thing, you know, and kids… listen.
That's, it's just a huge responsibility.
What? Are you going to kiss me?
- I was thinking about it. - Okay.
Okay. Alrighty, let's play some tunes.
- Hi, everybody. I'm Phoebe. - Hi, Phoebe.
Okay. Um, I'm going to play, um, some songs about grandparents.
Okay?
Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died and someday you will too
La la la La la la
- Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? - Yeah, it is.
What?
Well, I mean, here we sit, devil-may-care
and just a little while ago
you were reattaching Simone's spinal cord.
Yeah. That was a tricky one.
In reality that operation takes, like, over ten hours
but they only showed it for two minutes.
Who's they?
No one.
Oh, Drake, you are so talented.
Let me see those hands.
Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands.
Oh, I could just eat them… but I won't.
Good. Otherwise, my watch would fall off.
No. Seriously.
These hands… These miracle, magical, life-giving hands.
Oh, just to be near them, touch them.
Maybe even lick one?
Alright. Just one.
Wow. You're good at that.
Oh, my God! Someone, he's chocking.
Is anyone here a doctor?
Oh, yes. Yes. The best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
Uh, hey, look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way…
but, um, zoo dollars?
It's about your monkey.
It's alive.
I don't understand. Why didn't you help that man?
Uh, 'cause, uh, I'm a neurosurgeon.
And that was clearly a case of, uh… foodal chokage.
You know…
Alright, look, I've got to tell you something.
No, no, no.
You don't have to tell me anything.
You don't have to explain yourself to me.
Oh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Ramoray?
I should just be happy to be near you.
Hey, I…
- Hey what? - That's it. Just hey.
Like at the end of a dance. Hey!
Hey.
There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you but don't
'Cause that's another thing that you don't want to do
Everybody.
That's another thing
That you don't want to do
- Excellent! - Very informative!
Not at all inappropriate.
Thank you for coming, everybody. There are cookies in the back.
That was great. The kids loved you.
Yay! I rock.
And you know why? Because you told the truth.
And nobody ever tells kids the truth.
You were incredible.
But?
How did you know there was a "But"?
I sense these things. It was either "But" or "Butter."
The thing is, I think, you know, some of the parents,
they were kind of hoping that
you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
- I can do that. - Really?
- Yeah. - Because that would be fantastic.
What? You want to kiss me?
I'm thinking about it.
Ah, the bat. Ambassador of darkness.
Flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger.
Sightless specter of the macabre.
- Buddy, my monkey? - Oh, yeah, right.
There was a break-in a few months back.
Inside job. Your monkey was taken.
Oh, my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
The zoo. You believe everything the zoo tells you?
That's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
Of course, they're going to say he's dead.
They don't want the bad publicity.
It's all a great, big cover-up.
Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
- That guy Lipson? - Lipson knows?
Hmm. Lipson knows, huh?
Oh, hello, Mr. Possum.
Enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night.
- Taunting gravity… - Buddy, my monkey. My monkey?
Word on the street…
Well, when I say street,
I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
Of course.
Your monkey found a new career in the entertainment field.
That's all I know.
This is unbelievable.
So… what is this information worth to you, my friend?
Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Maybe.
But you already told me everything.
Check it out. He actually is The Monkeyshine monkey.
Well, so, what are you going to do?
Well, I guess I'm going to call the beer company
and try to find out where he is.
That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
- Okay, hi again. - Hi, Phoebe!
Today, we're going to start with some songs
about barnyard animals.
Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers
Now, chickens!
You're the only one who can save her, Drake.
Damn it, I'm a doctor! I'm not God.
Well, there goes my whole belief system.
- It's Erika. - Oh, my God!
- Quick, turn off the TV. - No, no, no.
Wait, I want to see what happens.
Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma, then we make out.
Well, how can that be? You were just kissing Sabrina.
Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon.
- Hey, Erika. Come on in. - How did you get here so fast?
- I just saw you in Salem. - Right.
They, uh, they choppered me in.
What's up?
And I see you're having a little party too.
- Is she here? Huh, huh? - Who?
Sabrina. I know about you two.
I saw you today, kissing in the doctors' lounge.
- That's not what you think. - You told me I was the only one.
Alright, look, that's it.
I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright?
Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago
but I am not Drake Ramoray, okay?
I'm not even a doctor. I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
Oh, my God, do the people at the hospital know about this?
Somebody want to help me out here?
Oh, I know. I know.
- Where am I? - University Hospital.
The same place you've been for the last 18 years.
How-how can you be here and there?
'Cause it's a television show.
Drake, what are you getting at?
- I'm not Drake. - That's right.
He's not Drake.
He's… Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin.
Is this true?
Yes, yes, it is true.
And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake
to-to sleep with me.
And then he told me he would run away with me.
And he didn't!
And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
Is all this true?
Yes. I'm afraid it is.
You deserve much better than me, Erika.
You deserve to be with the real Drake.
He's the one you fell in love with.
Go to Salem. Find him.
He's the guy for you.
Oh, Hans.
Hans? Hans?
Yo, evil twin!
Right. Uh, goodbye, Erika.
Good luck in Salem.
- Take care. - I'll never forget you, Hans.
Alright, the people who threw the water…
Fired? Why?
The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents
about some of the stuff in your songs.
I can't believe it. Did you tell your "Board"
about how the kids want to hear the truth?
No.
I see.
Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
No. What do you want me to be?
Like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Who's Barney?
Well, I tracked down Marcel, and get this.
He's healthy, he's happy and he's right here in New York.
Filming, "Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan."
You're kidding.
- This is amazing. - I know.
I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's making movies.
- Okay, Rachel, I'm ready. - Okay.
Excuse me, is this where the singing lady is who tells the truth?
Um… yeah, I guess that's me.
She's here!
Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
And then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La la la La la la
This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
What, you never look down in the shower?
Oh, please, I'm not allowed to make one joke
in the monkey-as-penis genre?
Come on, people, back up, please. Come on, come on, come on.
Uh, excuse me. Uh, where can we find the monkey?
I'm sorry, guys, it's a closed set.
Uh, I'm sorry. You-you don't understand.
I'm, I'm a friend of his. We, uh, we used to live together.
Yeah, and I have a time-share in the Poconos with Flipper.
- Ross, there he is. - Hey, hey, buddy.
Marcel. Marcel.
In the jungle The mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle The mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
A weem a way A weem a way
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault
And I…
- What? - I'm sorry.
What's wrong with that?
I think, you might want to, like pick a more masculine note.