Excuse me, folks. This is a…
Closed set. We know, but we're friends with the monkey.
Good morning. Hi, pal! Look who I brought.
It's your old friend, Harry Elefante.
Whoa, dude. Burn!
I don't get it. He seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Don't take it personal. He's under a lot of pressure.
You know, starring in a movie and all.
- Just how big of a star is Marcel? - In human terms?
I'd say… Cybill Shepherd.
So, you guys in the movie or are you just really paranoid?
Sal. Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready
for the subway stunt.
Excuse me. Jerry is the director? Now, which one's he?
- The one in the director's chair. - Gotcha.
- Pheebs, walk with me. - Okay.
How come I'm walking with you?
Well, we're just going over here
so that we can get away from the horrible flesh-eating virus!
For the love of God, woman, listen to me!
Is he lookin'?
- We've got a problem. - Hi. Tell me.
I can't do Chrissie's makeup.
She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustache.
- Is it bad? - Like one of her eyebrows fell down.
Got it.
Unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it,
Jean-Claude Van Damme's going to be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
I'll talk to her.
I hate actors.
Nice camouflage, man.
For a minute there, I almost didn't see ya.
Excuse me.
- Is your name Chandler? - Yes. Yes, it is.
Chandler Bing?
Do you know me, or are you just really good at this game?
I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade. Glasses.
I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse?
Susie Moss. Right. Yeah.
You look…
Great job growing up.
It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap
with all the little mirrors on it.
Well, when I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp…
Remember the class play? You pulled up my skirt
and the entire auditorium saw my underpants?
Yes. Back then I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Thank God, I don't do that anymore.
- Oh, my God. - What?
It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I didn't know he was in this movie. He's so hot!
- You think? - The muscles from Brussels?
Wham! Bam! Van Damme?
- Did you see "Timecop"? - No. Was he any good in it?
Rachel, he totally changed time.
- So why don't you go talk to him? - Yeah!
What? You tell him you think he's cute.
What's the worst that could happen?
- He could hear me. - Monica…
- Okay, I'm doing it for you. - Rachel, don't! Don't you dare.
Don't! Tell him I cook!
- Excuse me. Hi. - Hi.
This is gonna sound kinda goofy
but my friend over there,
who cooks, by the way,
she thinks you're cute.
You don't think I'm cute?
I don't know. Do you think you're cute?
We're kinda getting off the track here.
I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute.
So, what should I tell her?
You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
- Makeup! - That's me. I gotta go.
Okay.
How many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm
before you ask me on a date?
Well, let's try one more.
There you go. Say Ernie's, 8 o'clock?
I'll be there.
If things go well maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
No one was around to hear that?
- So what did he say? - What a jerk!
I kept talking about you, and he kept asking me out.
I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
Well, thanks anyway.
He just kept asking, asking, asking, asking.
Rachel, if you want to go out with him, you can.
He sounds like a big jerk. But if that's what you want…
Jean-Claude, she said yes! I'll see you tonight!
Thank you.
And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads
and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
Man, she's so smokin'! She's got the greatest set of…
No guys around, huh?
- Does anybody need anything? - I'll have an espresso.
Actually, I'll get it.
If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
- That is so unfair. - I know.
Like you would drink her coffee
after what you did to her with Van Damme.
Joey, I have to cancel racquetball for tonight.
That was Marcel's trainer, he's gonna let me have him
for a couple of hours.
You're blowing me off for a monkey?
We can reschedule for Saturday.
Yeah. Unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
Hey! Stick a fork in me. I am done.
Stick a fork what?
Like when you're cooking a steak.
Okay. I don't eat meat.
Then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
Well, you don't. You eat them and you can tell.
Okay, then eat me. I'm done.
- I've met the perfect woman. - What?
We're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around
and then, suddenly, she turns to me and says:
"Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?"
Oh my God! What did you say?
I believe my exact words were… I didn't know what to say.
How do you know if you want to do it on an elevator?
You just know.
Shoot! We got to go. Got a reservation in 30 minutes.
No, no, no!
You see, what I had planned
shouldn't take more than two, three minutes, tops.
Two hundred seconds of passion. We got to go.
But…
…here's an idea.
Have you ever worn women's underwear?
Well, yes, actually.
But, they were my Aunt Edna's.
And there were three of us in there.
Well, I was thinking it would be kind of sexy
if you wore mine tonight at dinner.
You want me to wear your panties?
Could ya?
If I was wearing your underwear then what would you be wearing?
You're swell.
Check it out. I made Marcel's favorite dish. Banana cake.
With mealworms.
Candles.
What do you think is gonna happen here tonight?
Hello. Hi. Are you on your way over?
No, no. I understand. I mean, a monkey's got to work.
No, it's no big deal.
It's not like I had anything special planned, you know.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, bye.
Okay, Rachel, why don't you start talking first?
Alright. I feel that this is totally unjustified.
She gave me the green light. I did nothing…
Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
Monica, if there is something that you would like to share…
You had no right to go out with him.
- That is the most ridiculous… - No! You sold me out!
- I did not sell you out! - Yes, you did!
- You absolutely sold me… - Would you let me talk!
Did you just flick me?
Well, you wouldn't let me finish. And I was…
That hurt.
Quit flicking!
- You stop flicking! - You flicked me first!
Stop it!
Stop! Stop!
Alright. Okay. You know, let's not do this!
Happy thoughts!
- Stop it! - Happy thoughts. Come on!
Okay, now I'm going to kick some ass!
I know, I know.
Alright. Now, I will let go if you both stop.
You want me to stop seeing him? Is that what you want?
You want me to just call him up
and tell him that you're seeing him instead?
- Is that what you want? - Okay.
- That's what you want? - Yes.
- Fine. - Fine.
There we go.
You know what, if we were in prison
you guys would be like my bitches.
Thanks for letting me tag along tonight, you guys.
Forget about it.
How you doing there, squirmy?
I'm hanging in.
And a little out.
So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job.
You must have a ton of cool responsibility.
- I have nothing to do with casting. - What are you guys gonna eat?
How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth
and licking you all over?
Because I went to an all-boys high school
and God is making up for it?
I want you right here, right now.
Right now, right here?
Don't you think we're in kind of a public place?
They do have the shrimp.
Meet me in the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom now.
Come on.
Alright, mister, let's see those panties.
Alrighty.
But you know what would be even sexier?
What?
If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
Alright. Now, I would like to see you wearing nothing but them.
Take your clothes off.
Okay, but, I hope you realize
this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
Come on. Hurry!
Do you want this done quick or do you want it done right?
Turn around. I want to see you from behind.
Okay.
Somebody's been doing his "Buns of Steel" video.
You want me to clench anything, or…
Susie?
Susie!
This is for the fourth grade.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
What do you mean what do I mean?
I mean underpants, mister. That's what I mean.
What? What do you mean?
My skirt! You lifted, kids laughing.
I was Susie Underpants till I was 18.
That was in the fourth grade!
How can you still be upset about that?
Why don't you call me in 20 years
and tell me if you're still upset about this?
I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back!
I can't believe this.
Two weeks ago, I was watching "Sudden Death"
and now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Can you beat up that guy?
- Yeah. - Can you beat up that guy?
- Sure. - This is so wild.
You know, I got to admit, I was kind of surprised
that you agreed to go on a blind date.
- Normally, I would not do it. - Yeah?
Well, what made you make the exception for me?
Because Rachel told me you were dying to have a threesome
with me and Drew Barrymore.
By the way, Drew has some ground rules.
Say you're sorry! Say it, Rachel.
No! I'm not!
- Let me go. - Say it!
Great. Rachel, you say you're sorry, or your sweater gets it.
That is my favorite sweater. That is my third date sweater.
Say you're sorry.
Okay. You want to play?
Okay. Let's play.
What are you going to do?
You give me back my sweater, or it's handbag marinara.
You don't have the guts.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I wasn't too chicken
to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
Stop! Stop the madness!
This is crazy.
Who can even remember why you started fighting in the first place?
She knew that I liked Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Yes, that's right.
But still, I… Look at your purse.
Look at your sweater.
Look at yourselves.
I'll help you fix your sweater.
I'll help you throw out your purse.
I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves.
- Joey? - Ma?
Joey!
Chandler?
I thought you guys took off.
No, no. She took off. With my clothes!
- Are you naked in there? - Well, not exactly.
I'm wearing panties.
You always wear panties?
No, no. This is the first time.
Talk about your bad luck.
I mean, the first time you try panties
and someone walks off with your clothes.
I was not trying them out. Susie asked me to wear them.
- Well, let me see. - No.
I'm not letting you or anybody else see ever.
Alright, alright.
Someone's flossing.
Joey, some people don't like that.
- Chandler's wearing panties. - What?
- Let me see. - No. You don't have to see.
Hi, tushie.
Alright. One of you give me your underpants.
- No, no. - Can't help you. I'm not wearing any.
How can you not be wearing any underwear?
I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
Alright, look. Ross. I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
- Hey. - Hey.
Pheebs, can I have the milk after you?
I'm almost done with. Keep your panties on.
Hey, hey. And I'm in the movie.
- Hey! - What happened?
One of the virus victims called in sick
so Cathy recommended me, and boom! I'm dying on a gurney.
Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene
if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
No, that's okay. He's probably got parties to go to and stuff.
You know, he's moved on. That's the way it goes, right?
- Oh, my God. - What?
I think I want to write a song about all this.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Except one of the strings on my guitar is broken.
Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
How long you been waiting to say that?
About 20 minutes.
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
Cut!
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
Cut!
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
Mommy!
Can't you see what's going on? This man is dead.