- Drake. - I'm sorry, Amber.
It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.
I'm sorry I'm late. What happened?
We just wanna see the end.
- I want you, Drake. - I know you do.
But you and I can never be together that way.
What?
There's something I never told you, Amber.
I'm actually your half-brother.
What?
So what happens next?
Well, I get the medical award for separating the Siamese twins.
Then, Amber and I go to Venezuela
to meet our other half-brother, Ramon.
And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald.
It's really big, but it's cursed.
- That's so cool. - God, that is good TV.
- Pheebs, play with me. - No.
This game is grotesque.
Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar?
Forced to play soccer forever?
Hello? Human rights violation.
Pheebs, don't feel so bad for them.
After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women
and everybody has a pretty good time.
Why don't you play with your roommate?
He's not a big fan of foosball.
Are we not getting along with the new boy?
No, he's alright. He spends most of his time in his room.
Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him.
- Let's remedy that, shall we? - We don't need to remedy that.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
- What was that? - Hi!
I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers
and got to know each other.
- Alright. That sounds alright. - Good! Okay.
Oh, no, I have to go because I'm late for my…
…green eggs and ham discussion group.
Tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train.
- Have fun. Bye. - That was so lame.
I know, yeah.
Okay, talk to him.
So, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets or…
That's good. So who broke up with who?
What are you, kidding? I broke up with her.
She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
That's good. When everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia is…
- Well, it's not Sean Penn. - Not Sean Penn.
Alright, I got a funny one. Alright?
My last girlfriend, Tilly, okay? We're eating breakfast, right.
I made all these pancakes. There was like 50 pancakes.
And all of a sudden, she turns to me and she says:
"Eddie? I don't wanna see you anymore."
And it was literally like she had reached into my chest
ripped out my heart and smeared it all over my life.
Now there's like this incredible abyss
and I'm falling and I keep falling
and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop.
That wasn't such a funny story, was it?
And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can
And the rest of the rats played maracas.
That's it. Thanks. Goodnight.
Phoebe's got another job, right?
- Great set tonight, Pheebs. - I know.
We should probably get going.
We should go too. I've got patients at 8:00 in the morning.
I was thinking, you know, how we always stay at your apartment?
I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
I don't know. I don't have my jammies.
Well, maybe you don't need them.
My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
Shut up. I'm happy.
This is so nice. Alright, I have to make a speech.
I just want to say that of all the guys that Monica's been with,
and that is a lot,
I like you the best.
Thank you, Pheebs. That's very sweet.
Did you hear that? She likes me best.
And apparently there have been a lot.
Not a lot. Phoebe's kidding.
Phoebe's crazy.
Phoebe's dead.
- Hi! - Hi!
I'm looking for Eddie Menuek.
He's not here right now. I'm Chandler. Can I take a message?
- Or a fish tank? - Thanks.
Come on in.
I'm Tilly.
I gather by that "oh" that he told you about me.
Yeah, your name came up in a conversation
that terrified me to my very soul.
He's kind of intense, huh?
Yes! Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little…
- A little what? - Bit country?
Come on in here, you roomie.
Hello, Tilly.
Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
That was very thoughtful of you.
It's very thoughtful.
Well, okay then. I'm gonna go.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
So we getting a fish?
You had sex with her, didn't you?
Pheebs, check it out!
"Soap Opera Digest"! That's one of my favorite digests.
- Page 42! - Okay, okay.
"New doc on the block, Days of our lives, Joey Tribbiani."
- Cool picture. - Yeah. I look good.
Hey, is this true? That you write a lot of your own lines?
Well, kind of, yeah.
Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident?
The line in the script was
"if we don't get this woman to a hospital she's going to die".
But I made it "if this woman doesn't get to a hospital"
"she's not gonna live."
Okay. I see what you did there.
Aren't you afraid that the writers are gonna be kind of mad
when they read this?
I never thought about the writers. The scripts come to my house.
But you know what?
This makes me look good, which makes the show look good,
which makes the writers look good.
So how could they be mad about that?
"Makes up most of his own lines." Son of a…
Well, write this, jerkweed.
I fall down an elevator shaft?
What the hell does this mean? I fall down an elevator shaft?
I don't know. I just bring the scripts.
They can't kill me. I'm Francesca's long lost son.
Right.
- Could you sign this? - No. No way. I'm not signing that.
I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.
How can they do this to me?
Alright, I'm just gonna go.
Sorry.
Well, it wasn't that many guys.
If you consider how many guys there actually are,
it's a very small percentage.
It's not that big a deal. I was just curious.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight, Richard.
Good luck, Mon.
Alright, before I tell you,
why don't you tell me how many women you've been with?
- Two. - Two?
How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?
Well, I mean, what can I say?
I was married to Barbara for 30 years.
She was my high school sweetheart.
Now you. That's two.
Two it is.
Okay, time for bed. I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
No, wait a minute now.
Come on, it's your turn.
Come on.
You know, I don't need the actual number,
just a ballpark.
Okay, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.
Tell me about it.
So what's your magic number?
Come on, you know everyone I've been with. All both of them.
Well, there's you.
Better not be doing these in order.
Okay, Billy Dreskin. Pete Carney.
Barry.
- And Paolo. - Yes, the weenie from Torrini.
Honey, are you jealous of Paolo?
Come on. I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
- Really? - Please.
That Paolo thing was barely a relationship.
It was just meaningless animal sex.
Okay, you know, that sounded so much better in my head.
Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
Interesting. That's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.
This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for two minutes,
dropped off the fish tank and left, end of story.
Where's Buddy?
- Buddy? - My fish, Buddy.
There was no fish when she dropped it off.
This is unbelievable.
I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend,
then you insult my intelligence by lying about it
and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
I didn't kill your fish. Look, Eddie…
Would you look at what I'm doing here?
Now, that can't be smart.
So we're just gonna take this guy right off you.
And put him here in Mr. Pocket.
Tangelo?
That's it?
That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
- Well, yeah. - Well, that's not bad at all.
I mean, you had me thinking it was like a fleet.
- Are you really okay with it? - Honey, I'm fine.
Yay.
Okay, about that two.
What? Alright. What about my two?
Well, that just seems like a really small number.
Right. And?
And well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sow?
Or is that what you're doing with me? My God! Am I an oat?
Honey, you are not an oat.
I mean, I don't know. I guess I'm just not an oat guy.
I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
But you've only slept with two people.
Right.
You know I love you too, right?
Now, I do.
Ross!
Ross, please listen to me. Ross!
You are so much better for me than Paolo ever was.
I mean, you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Hey, if I make you laugh here's an idea,
why don't you invite Paolo over to have a little romp in the sack
and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes?
Stop! God!
Ross, what you and I have is special.
- All Paolo and I ever had was… - Animal sex?
You're saying that there's nothing between us animal at all?
I mean, there's not even, like, little animal?
Not even, like, chipmunk sex?
Okay, Ross. Try to hear me, okay?
I'm not gonna lie to you, okay?
- It was good with Paolo. - Knock, knock.
But what you and I have is so much better, okay?
We have tenderness. We have intimacy.
We connect. You know, I swear.
This is the best I have ever had.
Until now.
- Hi. - Hi.
Richard just told me he loved me.
- Oh my God! - I know.
- Honey, that's great! - I know.
- I just can't find… - They're in the top drawer. Hurry.
- You need one too? - Hell, yeah.
I found them!
There's only one.
- Monica? - Hi.
Will be right there. We're trying to decide something.
Rachel?
- Hey. - Hey.
- They're trying to decide something. - Good, good.
So, is…
Was your mustache… Did it used to be different?
No.
How do you, you know, keep it so neat?
I have a little comb.
- What do you call that? - A mustache comb.
Interesting.
Okay, I will do your laundry for one month.
No!
Okay, okay! I will…
I will clean the apartment for two months.
I'll tell you what, I'll give this to you now
if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
So were you in 'Nam?
- Rock, paper, scissors? - Got ya.
One, two, three.
Yes!
- Fine. Go have sex. - Thank you.
No! You have got it completely wrong.
John Savage was deer hunter, no legs.
Jon Voight was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
No way. You've got it totally the other way around, my friend.
- Jon Voight… - Honey.
What?
- Shall we? - It's not gonna happen.
They're doing it tonight. We can do it tomorrow.
In the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand.
So when I woke up this morning,
he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Why?
Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
Why would you kill his fish?
Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone,
you have to kill a fish.
Chandler, honey, I'm sorry.
Can we watch Joey's show now, please?
- Yeah. - He's not here yet.
So? He's on the show. He knows what happens.
I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
Good.
Amber.
I want you to know that I'll always be there for you.
As a friend and as your brother.
Drake…
What a day?
First, the medical award, now this.
Yeah, some guys are just lucky, I guess.
Dr. Ramoray, report to first floor emergency, stat.
Well, then, I guess that's me.
Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton? Dr. Wong?
No, no. They only said you.
Well, okay.
- Alright. - I love you, Drake.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh no!
Drake! Look out!
- Did they just kill off Joey? - No!
Now maybe.
- Come on! Open up! - Joey!
We want to talk to you.
I don't feel like talking.
Come on, Joey. We care about you.
- We're worried about you. - And some of us really have to pee.
- Sorry, Joey. - Hey.
Listen, sorry about your death.
- That really sucks. - Yeah.
- We came over as soon as we saw. - How could you not tell us?
I don't know. I was kind of hoping no one would ever find out.
Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.
Nah. They said that when they found my body,
my brain was so smashed in
that the only doctor who could have saved me was me.
Supposed to be some kind of irony or something.
Joey, you're gonna be fine.
You don't need that show. It was just a dumb soap opera.
Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Yes. I was going to incorporate that.
Good. Here's Monica. She'll have something nice to say.
I straightened out your shower curtain
so you won't get mildew.
What? To me, that's nice.
It's gonna be okay. You know that.
No, I don't.
It's like you work your whole life for something
and you think that when you get it
it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be,
but this so was. You know, it changed everything.
Like, the other day I got this credit card application
and I was pre-approved.
I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
I'm sorry, man.
Joey, honey, I don't know if this will mean anything to you,
but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
No, that means nothing to me.
Pecan sandie? Just made them.
Yeah, alright.
What are these, raisins?
Sure. Why not?
Listen, Eddie.
I've been thinking about our current living situation and…
Why are you smiling?
I got a little surprise. Look, I got us a new fishy.
I named him Chandler, you know, after you.
Well, that's not even a real fish.
No, that's a goldfish cracker.
So what's your point, man?
Okay, goodnight,
you big freak of nature.
- Hey! - Hey!
Hey!
- Brisk tonight. - Man…
- Let's never speak of this. - You got it.