Stocks and bonds are moving higher…
Monica, why are we watching the business channel?
I was going by it the other day
and I saw there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it.
Sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours
before it comes up again, but when it does, it's pretty exciting.
Honey, you really need a job.
Dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
- Really? - Okay, right there.
That's the third sign today, right there.
On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say…
No, 'cause you just said "dad"
and everywhere I go today, I keep getting signs telling me
to go see my father.
Like, when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet,
which is my father's last name.
And they were serving franks,
which is his first name, minus the "S" at the end.
And there was a rotisserie with a spinning chicken.
His Indian name?
No, because I chickened out the last time
when I tried to meet him. So coincidences? I don't think so.
- Freaky. - Eerie.
So who wants the last hamburger?
Alright, that's it. Now I have to go see him.
- Why? - Hamburger. McDonald's.
Old McDonald had a farm. My dad is a pharmacist.
- Man, I am so beat. - Yeah.
You wanna just forget about racquetball and hang out here?
Yeah, alright.
Hey, you're in our seats.
- Sorry, we didn't know. - Hey, we were sitting there.
Okay, there is one more way to say it.
Who knows it?
Is that supposed to be funny?
No, actually, I was just going for colorful.
- What's with this guy? - What's with you?
Nothing. Nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
What just happened?
I just took your hat.
See, I can be funny too.
My joke is that I took your hat.
That is funny.
- Can I have it back? - No.
- No? - No.
Okay.
You know what? I think you've very funny.
Kudos on that hat joke.
But come on, guys. Just give him back the hat.
Why should we?
Because it's a special hat.
See, he bought it because he was feeling really down one day.
So he got the hat to cheer himself up, you know?
- Now, Chandler, you wouldn't… - Stop talking now!
Let me get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
- You got a problem with that? - No.
Just wanna make sure we're on the same page.
Hey, how did the interview go?
It bit.
It was a '50s theme restaurant.
I'd have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter.
I was a sous-chef at Cafe Des Artistes.
How could I take a job where I have to make something called
"Laverne and Curly Fries"?
- So don't do it. - How can I not do it?
I have 127 dollars in the bank!
Monica, relax. Go get a beer.
I don't want a beer!
Who said it was for you?
Hi.
What's the matter with you?
These mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.
- No! - You're kidding.
It was ridiculous. These guys, they were bullies.
Actual bullies, you know? We're grown-ups.
This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
- Hi! - Hi!
Wait a minute. I have no one.
Well, let's go down there and get your hat back.
Forget it. It's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
Hey! I went up.
- What? - My stock.
MEG. It went up two points.
Guys, do you realize that if I had invested my 127 dollars
in myself yesterday that I'd have…
…a lot more than that today?
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
- Do what? - Put all my money in me.
Monica, you don't know the first thing about the stock market.
What's to know? Buy, sell, high, low, bears, bulls.
Yes, Manhattan.
Yeah, telephone number of the stock…
…selling store.
See? Didn't I tell you these pillows would be a good idea?
Oh God. Here we go.
For the first time in my life I'm gonna say "hi, birth father".
- We love you. We're here for you. - Good luck.
Thanks.
Hey, Rach, you want some sandwich?
What is in that?
Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
No, no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.
Hey! No!
- Run, Phoebe! - No, doggie! No, please!
I do so want to love all animals. Please, no!
Get him a bone! You got a bone?
- Are you kidding me? - Look! Kibbles! Bits!
God! Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap.
Okay. We have a problem.
Why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline?
Okay, I know what we can do.
Hey, no!
Okay, doggie! Get the sandwich!
Go get the sandwich, get the sandwich, doggie!
Good doggie! Get the sandwich!
Joey, the dog will lick himself, but he will not touch your sandwich.
What does that tell you?
- If he's not gonna eat it, I will. - Are you crazy?
Pheebs, he's just a little dog.
- Hey. - What?
Do you have to be a Century 21 real estate agent to get to wear
those really cool jackets?
Do you say this stuff to girls?
Isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
And look where they're sitting.
You're joking, right?
You guys just walked through the door.
Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
This couch belongs to us.
Alright, I'll tell you what. You call the couch
and then we'll call the couch,
and we'll see who it comes to.
You know what I keep wondering?
- Why you two are still sitting here. - Alright, that's it!
I have had enough of this, alright?
Gunther!
These guys are trying to take our seats.
Fellas, these guys were here first.
Sorry, didn't realize.
- There you go. - Thank you, Gunther.
We didn't wanna have to go and do that.
- He told on us? - You told on us?
Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
- Don't play with his thing. - I know.
Alright. Let's take this outside.
Let's take this outside?
Who talks like that?
A guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that.
- You had to ask? - Yeah.
Okay, look. See, the thing is
we're not gonna fight you guys.
Well, then here's the deal.
You won't have to so long as you never ever show your faces
in this coffee house ever again.
I think you played the Gunther card too soon.
Hey, Pheebs, I think you're good to go.
Yeah, I don't know.
What's the matter?
I think that this was a really bad sign.
You know, the beast at the threshold.
I have no family left, you know.
Except for my grandmother.
But let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever.
Despite what she says.
And I have a sister, who I've barely spoken to
since we shared a womb. You know? This is my real father.
And I just I want things to be just right.
Yeah, Phoebe, I completely understand.
Yeah, whatever you need.
Hey, you wanna go home?
Okay, thanks. Sorry again.
What was that?
I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
I wanna buy five shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now.
Time is money, my friend. Thank you.
"Time is money, my friend"?
Yeah. You missed "takes money to make money"
and "don't make me come down there"
"and kick your Wall Street butt".
Hey, I made 17 dollars before breakfast.
- What have you done? - Well, I had breakfast here.
So, technically, I saved 3.50.
How did you make 17 dollars?
Well, my financially challenged friends,
I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
How come those?
Well, CHP 'cause I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada.
And ZXY, because I think it sounds zexy.
What happened to MEG?
MEG was good for me, but I dumped her.
You know, my motto is "get out before they go down".
That is so not my motto.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs.
- How's the dog? - Yeah.
I talked to the vet. People are so nice upstate.
Anyway, he said the little fella's gonna be okay
and I can pick him up tomorrow.
- Good. - Thank God.
But he did have to have a bunch of stitches
and he said that only once in a blue moon
does a dog's ear grow back. So, still hoping.
Okay, so, Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad
to let him know that his dog is okay?
I don't want to meet my father over the phone.
What am I going to say? "I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned."
"By the way, I broke your dog."
Pheebs, if you want, I'll do it.
Okay.
Listen, just don't say anything about me, okay?
Alright.
Don't!
Be too long with the phone.
She'll be a much better friend once the market closes.
- It's a woman. - Okay, so, talk to her.
Hello, Mrs. Buffay.
I know where your dog is
and I want you to know, he'll be returned to you
almost as good as new within 24 hours.
Goodbye.
- Why the voice? - Hard to say.
- Your cappuccino, sir. - Thank you.
I think this is much better than the coffee house.
Absolutely.
How come it's not mixing with the water?
The package says you have to constantly keep it moving.
Stir and drink. Never let it settle.
Hey, this is ridiculous.
I tell you what, after I get back from my niece's christening,
I'll go down to the coffee house with you
and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee, alright?
No problem. Joey's there.
Okay.
No.
- No? - No.
Well, I don't wanna have to have Joey with me
every time I want a decent cup of coffee. You know?
And I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking "kappuccino".
I say you and I go back there and stand up to those guys.
Alright. Hang on a second there, Custer.
Yeah, really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
- Yeah, sure. - By someone besides Monica?
No.
So what? So what if we get beaten up?
Maybe that's just something every man has to go through
once in his life, like a rite of passage or something.
Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again?
You know, because I think, actually, mine's growing back.
- Need to borrow a hundred bucks. - What?
Hi. Welcome home.
- I need a hundred bucks. - For what?
- I gotta get back in the game. - When did you get out of the game?
I lost it all, okay? I lost it.
- Oh, no! - Hey, I've come to terms with it.
You have to too.
Okay.
Look, Mon, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?
- I don't have it. - But I need it!
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job.
You know, with the dancing and the costumes.
I don't wanna have to wear flame-retardant boobs.
Nobody does, honey.
- Hi. - Shnoodle!
Oh my God. What the hell happened to my dog?
Well, it was an accident.
The woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose.
She's a vegetarian.
- What are these? Stitches? - Yeah, eight of 'em.
And that's 56 to him.
You know, also, if it's raining you can't let him look up too long
'cause that cone'll fill up really, really fast.
Well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
Sure. Is Frank home?
- How do you know Frank? - From a long time ago.
Is he here?
Yeah. Frank?
Yeah?
What?
Okay. I mean Frank senior.
He went out for groceries.
So will he be back soon?
Well, he left four years ago,
so we're expecting him back any minute now.
Alright. I'm gonna go.
I'm sorry about the dog and everything.
Hey, lady. Wait up.
- How do you know my dad? - Well, I don't really.
Just genetically.
He's kind of my dad too.
- Heavy. - Yeah.
So did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
Nah, but he didn't really talk about anything.
Except stilts.
- Stilts? - Yeah. He loved stilts.
This one time I was upstairs.
I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse
and, all of a sudden, I look over
and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window.
He just had this big smile on his face
and he was waving, 'cause he was always happiest
when he was on his stilts.
Yeah.
I don't know what to do with that.
Me neither.
So, you're, like, my big sister?
- Yeah. - Well, this is huge.
You can buy me beer.
I'm not gonna.
But you know what's cool though? If you had a friend named Pete
then I could say "I know Pete, "he's friends with my brother".
- I got a friend named Mark. - That'll work too.
Cool. Alright.
Maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime.
We could talk or something.
Yeah. That'd be okay.
- Alright. - Okay. I'm in the book.
Alright.
- So stilts, huh? - Yeah.
If you want I can take you around back
and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
Okay.
Well, we did it. We're here. We are standing our ground.
How long does a cup of coffee take?
Would you come on? Come on!
Thank you.
- Well, there we go. - I think we proved our point.
- You burn your mouth? - Cannot feel my tongue.
Bullies. Big bullies.
Look who's here. It's the weenies.
Did we not make ourselves clear the other day?
- Yes, and that's why we're here. - Yes. We're standing our ground.
Apparently.
- Let's do this, already. - What do you got, there? A weapon?
It's a nice watch. I don't want to break it on your ribs.
- Alright, let's do this. - Alright.
Question. If I don't care about my watch,
can I use it as a weapon?
- What do you mean? - Well, it's sharp. It's metal.
I think I can do some serious damage with it.
- No, you can't use your watch. - Okay.
- Or your keys. - Okay.
Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches
in the hat over there.
- Alright? - Alright.
Alright, come on, man! Let's do this already!
Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
Of course. Why wouldn't you hit faces?
Because I have to work on Monday. I have a big presentation.
Actually, I got to show this apartment tomorrow
and this no-faces thing might not be a bad idea.
- Okay. Nothing from the neck up. - Alright.
Or the waist down.
- Dana's ovulating. - You guys trying again?
Yeah.
Let me just get this straight. We're strictly talking about the middle?
- Come on! - You want some of this?
You want a piece of this? I'm standing here!
Those guys are taking our stuff!
God! That was amazing. That was incredible.
- You guys kicked butt. - Us? What about you guys?
Man, you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there.
- He was a big guy. - Yeah, he was, wasn't he?
I wouldn't know, having missed everything.
Don't do that to yourself. Anyone of us could have tripped over
that little girl's jump rope.
So, listen, guys, are we okay here?
- We're okay. - Alright.
Okay, so, can I have my hat back?
No.
Oh my God, look at her.
Hi, Monica.
- How's it going? - Hey, nice boobs.
Guys, guys check this out.
Excellent.