So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth.
Since it's Rachel's birthday and we want it to be special,
I thought I'd poach a salmon.
- What? - Question.
Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
You want to be in charge of the food committee?
Question two. Why do we always have parties with committees?
Why can't we just get some pizzas and some beers and have fun?
- Yeah. - I agree.
I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy
on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
Alright. You guys don't want it to be special. Fine.
You can throw any kind of party you want. Joey, they're not real.
What?
I start miles beneath the surface of these things. They're fake.
See? Honk, honk.
Wow, it's like porno for clowns.
I talked to Rachel's sisters. Neither of them can come.
Okay. So I still have to invite Dylan and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
- No Shannon Cooper. - Why not her?
'Cause she steals stuff.
Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her
and never called her back.
- Joey, that is horrible. - Hey, I liked her, alright?
Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know.
I guess I just got scared.
- Oh my God. - I'm sorry. I didn't know.
I didn't think anyone would buy that. Okay.
- Hi, honey. How did it go? - It was the graduation from hell.
My cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
This is supposed to be a joyous occasion.
My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would.
It's a true testament to what a girl from Long Island would do
for a Celica.
- So what happened? - My parents happened.
All they had to do was sit in the same stadium,
smile proudly and not talk about the divorce.
But no. They got into a huge fight
in the middle of the commencement address.
Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them.
You know what the good news is?
I get to serve coffee for the next eight hours.
Okay, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
- Well, how about just her mom? - Why her mom?
'Cause I already invited her.
- Did you ask Stacey Roth? - Can't invite her.
She also steals.
Okay, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Hey, we're not having birthday cake.
We're having birthday flan.
Excuse me?
It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
That's nice.
Happy Birthday, Rachel. Here's some goo.
Dr. Green.
Oh my God, it's Rachel's dad!
What are you doing here?
What, the father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
No, no. The father can.
But since I am the roommate, I can tell you that she's not here
and I'll pass along the message, okay? So bye-bye.
You're having a party.
No, no, not a party.
Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows.
This is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.
I'll never remember all of that. So what's the deal?
Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff? Is that it?
This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?
Hi, Monica.
Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
So, basically, just a Chinese guy.
Hey, Dr. Green. Why don't you come with me?
We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Alright. That sounds like a two-person job.
Well, my goodness, what was that?
Sandra, I am so sorry.
I thought you were Rachel and we weren't ready for you yet.
You thought I was Rachel?
Yes, because, you look so young.
And because you're both, you know, white women.
I missed you kids. Should I put my coat in the bedroom?
No!
No, I'll take that for ya.
Well, thank you. You're such a gentleman.
Thank you.
It all looks so nice. So festive, all the balloons.
The funniest thing happened to me on the way here.
- I was dri… - That's great.
I can't wait to hear the rest of it,
but I really have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, come with me.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
It'll be like we're gal pals, like at a restaurant.
It'll be fun. Come on!
- Oh my God! - Okay, think.
What would Jack and Chrissy do?
Okay, now that your coat is safely in the bed…
We can come back out in the living room.
So, Joey and Chandler, I think it's time that you take Dr. Green
over to your place.
Yes. Absolutely.
Why again?
Because that's where the party is, you goon.
See, this is just the staging area.
Right, it's the staging area. This is clearly in the wrong apartment.
You guys are off to party number one.
And you are off to party number two.
Alright, fellas, let's keep it moving.
Chandler, could you at least send some women to my party?
Okay, that's Ross.
Okay, they're coming.
Thank you for such a wonderful dinner.
Thanks for being born.
Thank you for my beautiful earrings. They're perfect.
I love you.
You can exchange them if you want, okay?
Now I love you even more.
- Surprise! - Oh my gosh!
Monica!
Oh my God! Mom! This is so great!
Happy Birthday, sweetie!
You! I had no idea.
- Really? - No, I knew.
Alright.
Everybody, there's food and drinks on the table.
- Go across the hall. - What?
Joey and Chandler's. Go. Now!
- Why? - Just go.
- Weird. - I don't know…
Surprise!
- Happy Birthday, sweet pea! - Daddy!
Both of them are here?
We could count again.
- I can't believe this is happening. - This is ridiculous, okay?
This is your birthday, this is your party.
I say we just put them all together
and if they can't deal with it, who cares?
- I do. - That's who.
Are you going to be okay?
Well, I have to be. I don't really have a choice.
I could look at the bright side.
I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
Well, actually, just one birthday flan.
What?
It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
Look, talk to Monica. She's on the food committee.
Joe! Some girl just walked up to me and said
"I want you, Dennis". And stuck her tongue down my throat.
- I love this party. - Nice!
- Quick volleyball question. - Volleyball?
We set up a court in your room.
You didn't really like that gray lamp, did ya?
Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat.
I'm not even listening to you.
- Dennis! - Okay, that's me.
Listen, honey, can you keep dad occupied?
I'm going to go talk to mom for a while.
Do you have any ideas for any openers?
Let's just stay clear of "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter"
and you should be okay.
Okay, people, I want you to take a piece of paper. Here you go.
And write down your most embarrassing memory.
And I do ask that when you're not using the markers
you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
Hi, Dr. Green.
So, how's everything in the vascular surgery game?
It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.
I'm sorry.
See, that's the good thing about my job.
All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
Listen, you guys. I don't mean to be a pain about this,
but I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on.
You want to push the caps until you hear them click.
Gunther, where you going?
I was sort of thinking about maybe…
No! No, you can't go!
No, this is fun. We're just getting started. Here's your marker.
Listen, if you want to go, just go.
No. She'll yell at me again.
- Alright. I can get you out. - What?
In a minute, I'm going to create a diversion.
When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
- I think I need a drink. - I'll get it for you.
- What do you want? - Scotch.
Scotch, alright, I'll be back in ten seconds
with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
- Neat. - Cool.
No, no. Neat, as in, no rocks.
I know.
- Hello, Ross. Where have you been? - Hi!
I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
Scotch, neat.
That's Rachel's father's drink.
Mine too. Isn't that neat?
Scotch neat.
Would you excuse me?
Hey. Where are you sneaking off to, mister?
I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
- No. - What do you mean, "no"?
No. That's the staging area.
You go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party.
Yeah. I think you take your scotch back in there
and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.
- And get my glasses too. - Alrighty-roo.
What a great moment to say that for the first time.
And the first person's most embarrassing memory is…
"Monica, your party sucks."
Very funny.
Oh, no! Did someone forget to use a coaster?
What?
I don't see anything.
Great! I'm seeing water rings again.
Ross, whose glasses are those?
Mine.
You wear bifocals?
I have a condition apparently
that I require two different sets of focals.
Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?
Well, those are very popular frames.
Neil Sedaka wears them.
I hear you can get people out of here.
- Rachel? - Yeah?
You didn't tell me your boyfriend smokes.
Yeah, like a chimney.
Big smoker.
Big, big smoker.
In fact, I'm gonna go out into the hallway
and fire up this bad boy.
Are you wearing my glasses?
Yes.
I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
Thank you.
Is that one of my cigarettes?
Yeah.
Yes, it is. I was just moistening the tip.
Okay, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here,
but it has to be now.
- She'll be back any minute. - What about my friend, Victor?
No. Only the three of you. Any more than that, she'll get suspicious.
- Let me just get my coat. - No, there isn't time.
You must leave everything.
They'll take care of you next door.
Is it true they have beer?
Everything you've heard is true.
Could you guys please try to keep it down?
We're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
You! And you. You're supposed to be at my party.
And Gunther!
What are you doing here?
Okay, welcome to the…
Phoebe!
Alright, I'm sorry, but these people needed me.
They work hard all week. It's Saturday night.
They deserve to have a little fun. Go!
You know, my party is fun.
Maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun,
but you know, if people would just give it a chance…
You want me to see a therapist?
Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem.
You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.
You know what? Fine. I'll make an appointment, okay?
But right now I got to go. I gotta go do a thing.
Did you know your mother spent 1200 dollars on bonsai trees?
I felt like Gulliver around that place.
Daddy, I really want to hear more about this I really do,
but I just have to do some stuff.
You work and you work and you work at a marriage
but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
You work and you work and you work on a boat.
He always ridiculed my pottery classes.
And you sand it and your varnish it.
But when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
One night, her yoga and her "Bridges of Madison County"…
The scotch, the cigarettes…
The bonsais and the Chihuahua…
I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now…
What the hell does she want with half a boat?
Okay. You can be shirts and I'll be skins.
I'll be skins!
Hey.
How you holding up, there, tiger?
When my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of tigers.
Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports.
I even got a governor.
This is it, isn't it?
I mean, this is what my life's going to be like.
My mom there, my dad there.
Thanksgiving, Christmas.
She gets the house, he's in some condo
my sister's going to decorate with wicker.
Chandler, how did you get through this?
I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial
and wetting the bed.
You know, I just… It's so weird.
I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other.
All I kept thinking about was the Fourth of July.
Because it reminded you of the way
our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
It's just this thing. Every year, we would go out on my dad's boat
and watch the fireworks.
Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big.
My sister, Jill, would be throwing up over the side
and my dad would be upset because nobody was helping
and then when we did help he would scream at us
for doing it wrong.
But then when the fireworks started,
everybody just shut up.
And it'd get really cold
and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket.
It never occurred to anybody to bring another one.
And now, it's…
Yeah, I know.
Thanks for coming. I hope you guys had fun.
Monica dear, I'm going to hit the road.
Now, I've left my ten verbs on the table
and you be sure and send me that finished poem.
Will do. I'm so glad you came.
I think I saw Rachel out in the hall?
- Let me go check. - Alright.
- Your mom wants to say goodbye. - Okay.
Happy Birthday, sweetie.
You drive safe.
Ross, what are you doing?
I'm getting ready for the water skiing.
One more big hug. Come on.
How are you?
- Dr. Green, where you going? - To get my coat.
- No! - I'll get that!
Alright! I can get my own coat.
Sorry. We're on a major flan high.
Oh no! No, you're not supposed to be here.
'Cause this is the staging area.
It's all wrong. You should leave.
You know, just get out.
Or perhaps you'd like a creme de menthe.
I have to be heading toward my chateau. Thank you.
Alright, then I guess we're going back into the hallway again.
Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green.
Okay. You take care.
You kids!
Well…
This is the best party I've been to in years.
Thank you!
Okay, everybody, it's time for flan.
Yep. Get ready for the gelatinous fun.
Kind of looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
Okay, that's enough.
Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Okay, I've got one.
Heads up!
Those things almost never come true.