HEY, LOOK AT ME.
I'M MAKING JAM.
BEEN AT IT SINCE 4:00 THIS MORNING.
WHERE'D YOU GET FRUIT AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING?
THE DOCKS.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN GET IT WHOLESALE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE DOCKS.
HEY. HEY.
IS IT BROKEN?
NO, BUT I GOT TO WEAR THIS A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
DID YOU TELL THE DOCTOR
YOU DID IT JUMPING ON YOUR BED?
NO. I HAD A WHOLE STORY WORKED OUT, BUT THEN…
CHANDLER SOLD ME OUT.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
I DIDN'T THINK THE DOCTOR WAS GOING TO BUY
THAT IT JUST FELL OUT OF THE SOCKET.
WHAT IS THIS?
FRUIT?
MONICA'S MAKING JAM.
WHOA. JAM?
I LOVE JAM.
HOW COME WE NEVER HAVE JAM AT OUR PLACE?
BECAUSE THE KIDS NEED NEW SHOES.
I'M GOING INTO BUSINESS, PEOPLE.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING DEPRESSED ABOUT RICHARD.
I NEEDED A PLAN… A PLAN TO GET OVER MY MAN
AND WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF "MAN"? JAM.
OH, JOEY, DON'T.
IT'S WAY TOO HOT.
THIS WILL JUST BE MY BATCH.
UM, THAT'S IT. NO.
HEY, YOU, J. CREW GUY.
YEAH. WHY HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING ME?
ALL WEEK LONG, EVERYWHERE I LOOK, THERE'S YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T RETURN MY CALLS.
YOU SENT BACK MY LETTERS.
WHAT?
ONE MORE CHANCE, URSULA, PLEASE.
OH… OH.
OH, WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.
WHAT?
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU WANT URSULA
AND I'M PHOEBE. TWIN SISTERS.
SERIOUSLY.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
I'M STALKING THE WRONG WOMAN.
I AM SUCH A DINGUS.
YOU'RE NOT A DINGUS.
I JUST… I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I DIDN'T USED TO BE LIKE THIS.
BEFORE I MET YOUR SISTER
I WAS THIS NORMAL GUY
WHO SOLD BEEPERS AND CELLULAR PHONES.
WELL…
I MEAN, LOOK, IT'S…
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, THIS IS JUST…
THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES TO GUYS, OKAY?
JUST…
WELL, THANKS.
WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT A LITTLE STORY.
WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH
I THOUGHT I WAS A WITCH AND THERE WAS
THIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
WHO SAID SOMETHING TO ME
THAT I THINK WILL HELP YOU A LOT.
HE SAID, "OKAY, YOU'RE NOT A WITCH.
YOU'RE JUST AN AVERAGE STUDENT."
SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
NOT REALLY.
WELL, GET OVER IT.
SO. I MEAN, YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY NICE GUY
YOU KNOW. I JUST…
DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, OKAY?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE.
HERE.
THANKS A LOT.
DO YOU WANT TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE, OR..?
YEAH, OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WALK BEHIND ME ANYMORE.
SORRY.
MON?
"GONE FOR MORE JARS.
BACK LATER. MONICA GELLER."
WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK.
WHAT?
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
IT'S AN EMPTY APARTMENT.
WE'RE ALL ALONE IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT.
OH, HONEY, COME ON.
I HAVE TO BE AT WORK IN LIKE TEN MINUTES
AND, OHH… ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR OR ANYTHING.
OH.
THERE IT IS.
OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
HEY. HEY.
DO I LOOK FAT?
NO. NO.
OKAY.
I ACCEPT THAT.
WHEN JANICE ASKED ME, AND I SAID NO
SHE TOOK THAT TO MEAN THAT I WAS CALLING HER A COW.
OKAY, WALK US THROUGH IT, HONEY.
WALK US THROUGH IT.
OKAY. WELL, JANICE SAID
"HI. DO I LOOK FAT TODAY?"
AND I LOOKED AT HER.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU LOOKED AT HER?
YOU NEVER LOOK.
MM-MMM.
YOU JUST ANSWER.
IT'S LIKE REFLEX.
DO I LOOK FAT? NO.
IS SHE PRETTIER THAN I AM? NO.
DOES SIZE MATTER?
NO.
AND IT WORKS BOTH WAYS.
OKAY, SO YOU BOTH JUST… KNOW THIS STUFF?
YOU KNOW, AFTER ABOUT 30 OR 40 FIGHTS
YOU KIND OF CATCH ON.
OKAY. FOR INSTANCE.
LET'S SAY…
JANICE IS COMING BACK FROM A TRIP
AND SHE GIVES YOU TWO OPTIONS.
OPTION NUMBER ONE… SHE'LL TAKE A CAB
HOME FROM THE AIRPORT, OR OPTION NUMBER TWO…
YOU CAN MEET HER AT BAGGAGE CLAIM.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
EASY. BAGGAGE CLAIM.
BZZZ. WRONG. NOW YOU'RE SINGLE.
IT'S ACTUALLY SECRET OPTION NUMBER THREE.
YOU MEET HER AT THE GATE.
THAT WAY, SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER.
OKAY, THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD.
ALL RIGHT. LISTEN. I HAVE ONE.
JANICE LIKES TO CUDDLE.
AT NIGHT… WHICH, YOU KNOW, I'M ALL FOR
BUT WHEN YOU WANT TO GO TO SLEEP, YOU WANT SOME SPACE.
SO, HOW DO I TELL HER THAT WITHOUT, YOU KNOW
ACCIDENTALLY CALLING HER FAT OR SOMETHING?
OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY. WE CAN'T HELP YOU THERE
BECAUSE WE'RE CUDDLY SLEEPERS.
OKAY, I'M LATE FOR WORK.
ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO COME DOWN?
YEAH, YEAH.
I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
GOOD LUCK, CHANDLER.
THANK YOU, RACHEL.
BYE, SWEETIE.
BYE, HONEY.
OKAY, THE SLEEPING THING.
VERY TRICKY BUSINESS
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE CUDDLY SLEEPY.
NO.
NO. NOT CUDDLY.
NOT ME, JUST HER.
I'M LIKE YOU… I NEED THE ROOM.
OKAY, COME HERE.
OKAY. YOU'RE IN BED.
YEAH.
I'LL USE THE CUSHION.
YEAH.
OKAY. YOU'RE IN BED.
SHE'S OVER ON YOUR SIDE… CUDDLING.
NOW, YOU WAIT FOR HER
TO DRIFT OFF, AND THEN YOU HUG HER
AND ROLL HER OVER TO HER SIDE OF THE BED
AND THEN YOU…
ROLL AWAY.
HUG FOR HER…
ROLL FOR YOU.
OKAY.
THE OLD HUG AND ROLL.
YEAH.
OKAY. ONE QUESTION.
SHOOT.
YOU'RE PRETENDING THE PILLOW'S
A GIRL, RIGHT?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID
AND YOUR MOM WOULD DROP YOU OFF AT THE MOVIES
WITH A JAR OF JAM AND A LITTLE SPOON?
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
HI.
HEY, PHOEBE.
HEY, YOU KNOW THAT GUY WHO'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME?
I TALKED TO HIM TODAY.
YOU TALKED TO HIM?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
OKAY. FIRST, I'M NOT CRAZY
AND SECOND, SAY IT, DON'T SPRAY IT.
ANYWAY, HIS NAME IS MALCOLM
AND HE WASN'T FOLLOWING ME.
I MEAN, HE WAS, BUT JUST 'CAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS URSULA, UGH.
AND
THAT'S WHY… THAT'S WHY HE COULDN'T
JUST COME UP AND TALK TO ME.
'CAUSE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER.
HMM.
NOT FEELING BETTER ABOUT MALCOLM.
OH.
NO, NO, NO, HE'S NOT LIKE A KOOK, NO.
HE'S JUST, LIKE, THIS VERY PASSIONATE
INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC GUY
THAT JUST GOT, LIKE, A TEENSY BIT CARRIED AWAY
AND WE JUST GET ALONG REALLY WELL
AND HE IS SO CUTE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOUR SISTER'S STALKER.
NO.
NO, I'M JUST GOING TO HELP HIM
YOU KNOW, GET DE-URSULA-IZED
LIKE I DID FOR JOEY
AFTER HE WENT OUT WITH HER.
BUT I DIDN'T STALK HER.
OKAY, I ASKED FOR THE NEWS, NOT THE WEATHER.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, MON.
HI, MON.
JOEY.
THIS IS FOR YOU. IT'S BLACKBERRY-CURRANT.
OH!
OKAY, JOE, I GOT TO ASK.
THE GIRL FROM THE XEROX PLACE, BUCK NAKED
OR A BIG TUB OF JAM?
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
JOEY, TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THAT.
THAT'S MY LAST BATCH.
NO MORE JAM?
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR JAM PLAN?
I FIGURED OUT I NEED TO CHARGE 17 BUCKS A JAR
JUST TO BREAK EVEN.
SO, I'VE GOT A NEW PLAN NOW.
BABIES.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED MUCH BIGGER JARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M TALKING ABOUT ME HAVING A BABY.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH. THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE JAM PLAN WAS
I WAS TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE.
SO I ASKED MYSELF
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IN THE WORLD?
THAT'S WHEN I CAME UP WITH THE BABY PLAN.
WELL, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
WHAT IS… WHAT IS THAT GUY'S NAME…
DAD?
NO, LOOK.
IT TOOK ME 28 YEARS TO FIND ONE MAN
THAT I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH.
IF I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 28 YEARS
THEN I'LL BE 56 BEFORE I CAN HAVE A BABY
AND THAT'S JUST STUPID.
TH-THAT'S WHAT'S STUPID?
I DON'T NEED AN ACTUAL MAN.
JUST A COUPLE OF HIS BEST SWIMMERS.
AND THERE ARE PLACES THAT YOU CAN GO
TO GET THAT… STUFF.
DOWN TO THE DOCKS AGAIN?
MM, NIGHT-NIGHT, BING-A-LING.
NIGHT-NIGHT… JANICE.
LOOK AT ALL THAT ROOM ON HER SIDE.
YOU COULD FIT A GIANT PENGUIN OVER THERE.
THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, THOUGH.
OKAY.
HUG-AND-ROLL TIME.
I'M HUGGING. I'M HUGGING.
YOU'RE ROLLING
AND… YES. FREEDOM
EXCEPT FOR THIS ARM.
ARM STUCK. STUCK ARM.
OKAY, TIME FOR THE OLD TABLECLOTH TRICK.
ONE FLUID MOTION.
QUICK LIKE A CAT, QUICK LIKE A CAT.
AND ONE… TWO…
THREE.
AND HERE'S MY BINOCULARS.
OH, GREAT.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT, YOU KNOW.
REAL STRONG, GOING STRONG.
KEEP GOING.
THESE ARE MY NIGHT VISION GOGGLES.
OH.
THIS IS THE BOOK I PRETEND TO READ
WHEN I'M WATCHING HER IN THE PARK
AND THESE ARE MAD LIBS.
THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
OH, YEAH.
WHAT'S THIS?
OH, THIS IS THE LOG I KEPT
RECORDING HER EVERY MOVEMENT.
YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FROM IT?
UM, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
OH, OKAY, THEN.
"I MET PHOEBE TODAY.
"SHE IS REALLY NICE TO ME
EVEN THOUGH I'M SUCH A LOSER"
OH…
"AND THEN, WHEN I WAS WALKING HOME
"I THOUGHT ABOUT HER A LOT.
IT WAS WEIRD… BUT KIND OF COOL."
GOOD.
SO WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
I WAS THINKING WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO KISS YOU.
REALLY?
NO.
OH.
SEE, THAT'S JUST SOMETHING
I SAID NOW SO THAT MAYBE I COULD KISS YOU.
OH, OKAY.
NAH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I JUST HAD A JAR OF MUSTARD.
OKAY, SPERM DONOR #03815.
COME ON DOWN!
OKAY, 6'2", 170 POUNDS
AND HE DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS A MALE GEENA DAVIS.
YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF US?
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
IF YOU DO THIS
I'M GOING TO, I'M-I'M…
YOU'RE GOING TO WHAT?
I'M GOING TO TELL MOM.
HONEY, I'M SORRY, BUT HE'S RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU'RE CRAZY.
CRAZY.
WHY IS THIS CRAZY?
SO THIS ISN'T THE IDEAL WAY TO DO SOMETHING.
OH, IT'S NOT THE IDEAL…
LIPS MOVING, STILL TALKING.
I MEAN, IT MAY NOT BE IDEAL, BUT…
I'M SO READY.
NOW, I SEE THE WAY BEN LOOKS AT YOU.
IT MAKES ME ACHE, YOU KNOW?
CHECK IT OUT… JAM CRACKERS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
27, ITALIAN-AMERICAN GUY.
HE'S AN ACTOR…
BORN IN QUEENS.
WOW. BIG FAMILY.
SEVEN SISTERS, AND HE'S THE ONLY…
BOY.
OH, MY GOD.
UNDER PERSONAL COMMENTS…
"NEW YORK KNICKS RULE."
YEAH, THE KNICKS RULE!
JOEY, THIS IS YOU.
LET ME SEE.
OH, RIGHT. YEAH.
WHEN DID YOU GO TO A SPERM BANK?
AFTER I DID THAT SEX STUDY DOWN AT N.Y.U.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT SWEATER
I GAVE YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
AND THAT'S HOW YOU BOUGHT IT?
NO.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WEARING WHEN I DONATED.
I'M KIND OF SURPRISED
THERE'S ANY OF MY BOYS LEFT.
HONEY, IT IS PRETTY COMPETITIVE.
I'VE GOT AN ACTUAL ROCKET SCIENTIST HERE.
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL THIS PLACE
AND GET THEM TO PUT
MY DAYS OF OUR LIVES GIG ON HERE.
YOU KNOW, JUICE THIS PUPPY UP A LITTLE.
HELLO.
HEY.
HOW'S THE MANIAC?
OH, HE'S YUMMY.
WE DID A LITTLE KISSIN'.
PHOEBE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
HE'S NOT INTO THAT STUFF ANYMORE.
HE QUIT FOR ME.
PHEEBS, THIS GUY HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH YOUR SISTER
FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG, OKAY?
YOU DON'T JUST GIVE UP SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
LOOK, HE GAVE ME
HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES AND EVERYTHING, SO…
YOU'RE TAKING THE WORD
OF A GUY WHO HAS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES?
HE'S NOT STILL FOLLOWING HER.
YOU THINK HE'S STILL FOLLOWING HER?
PHEEBS, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE RESTRAINING ORDER.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD DO?
I THINK IF YOU REALLY LIKE THIS GUY
YOU SHOULD JUST TRUST HIM.
THANK YOU, MONICA.
OR YOU COULD FOLLOW HIM
AND SEE WHERE HE GOES.
OH, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DO.
FORGET MINE.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, GOD, CRAZY CHANDLER.
HE SPUN ME OFF THE BED.
WOW!
SPINNING… THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
OH.
I WISH.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS JUST TRYING
ROSS' HUG- AND-ROLL THING.
ROSS' WHAT?
YOU KNOW
LIKE, WHERE HE HUGS YOU
AND THEN HE KIND OF ROLLS YOU AWAY AND…
OH… MY… GOD.
PHOEBE?
YES? YES! OH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I WAS JUST HERE LOOKING FOR MY, UM…
MY PART OF AN OLD SANDWICH.
HERE IT IS! OH!
WERE YOU FOLLOWING ME?
UM, PERHAPS.
YES.
YES, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST AFRAID
THAT YOU WERE STILL HUNG UP ON MY SISTER.
SO YOU SPIED ON ME?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T TRUST ME.
OH, WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THERE GOES MY IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER
JUST WALKING ALONG LOOKING LIKE ME!
WHAT IS THIS, JUST A FREAKISH COINCIDENCE
OR DID YOU KNOW SHE TAKES THIS TRAIN?
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I TRIED TO STOP, BUT I COULDN'T.
I'M SO PATHETIC.
NO, NO. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S PARTLY MY FAULT
'CAUSE I MADE YOU QUIT COLD TURKEY.
IT'S TOO HARD, YOU KNOW?
OKAY, WELL, I MEAN, I CAN'T DATE YOU ANYMORE
'CAUSE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW… LIKE, WOW
BUT, UM…
BUT I WILL DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY HELP YOU
GET OVER MY SISTER, OKAY?
JUST… STALK ME FOR A WHILE, HUH?
YEAH, AND, AND, AND…
I'LL BE LIKE AN URSULA PATCH.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH. JUST, OKAY…
LOOK, I'M GOING.
UM, COME ON.
OOP, OOP, BEHIND THE PILLAR.
OOH, WHICH WAY AM I GOING TO GO?
AHHH.
HEY.
WHERE YOU GOING?
TO THE BANK.
SPERM OR REGULAR?
SPERM.
SO YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT, HUH?
OH, YEAH.
PICKED A GUY… 37135.
HE SOUNDS NICE.
I'D SAY SO.
HE'S GOT BROWN HAIR AND GREEN EYES.
NO KIDDING. HMM.
WHAT?
I FIGURED YOU WOULD HAVE PICKED A BLOND GUY.
REALLY? WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I ALWAYS PICTURED YOU ENDING UP
WITH ONE OF THOSE TALL, SMART, BLOND GUYS
NAMED, LIKE… HOYT.
HOYT?
IT'S A NAME, YEAH.
I SAW YOU
IN THIS, YOU KNOW, THIS GREAT HOUSE
WITH A BIG POOL…
YEAH? IS HE A SWIMMER?
HE'S GOT THE BODY FOR IT.
OOH, I LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
YOU GUYS HAVE
ONE OF THOSE SIGNS THAT SAYS
"WE DON'T SWIM IN YOUR TOILET
SO DON'T PEE IN OUR POOL," YOU KNOW.
WE DO NOT HAVE ONE OF THOSE SIGNS.
SURE YOU DO.
IT WAS A GIFT FROM ME.
OH! AND YOU HAVE THESE THREE GREAT KIDS.
TWO GIRLS AND A BOY?
YEAH.
AND THEY WEAR THOSE LITTLE WATER WINGS
YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND ON THE DECK
AND THEN, HOYT WRAPS THIS BIG TOWEL
AROUND ALL THREE OF THEM.
SURE.
BUT, HEY, YOU KNOW
THIS WAY SOUNDS GOOD TOO.
YEAH.
OH, MONICA.
WOW! THIS GUY'S AN ASTRONAUT?
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL…
FOR, LIKE, A DAY.
THE SPERM BANK HASN'T SOLD
A SINGLE UNIT OF TRIBBIANI.
NOBODY WANTS MY PRODUCT.
I MEAN, I DON'T GET IT, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN…
MAYBE IF THEY MET ME IN PERSON…
HONEY, YOU GOT A LITTLE…
THING ON YOUR…
OH!
HERE?
GET IT?
YEAH.
HELLO.
HEY.
UH, CHAN, COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
SURE. WHAT'S UP?
JUST ONE ADDITIONAL RELATIONSHIP THOUGHT…
SOMETHING YOU'RE PROBABLY ALREADY FAMILIAR WITH
UH… WOMEN TALK.