YEAH?
WELL, I STARTED BUILDING ONE.
BUT THEN, I DECIDED
TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT STEP.
YOU'RE BUILDING A POST OFFICE?
NO, AN ENTERTAINMENT UNIT
WITH A MAIL CUBBY BUILT RIGHT IN.
IT'S A ONE-DAY JOB, MAX.
OKAY.
MY WORD, THOSE ARE SNUG.
OH, YEAH.
THESE ARE MY OLD WORK PANTS.
SERGIO VALENTI.
POWER SAW KIND OF GOT AWAY FROM ME THERE.
HEY, PHEEBS. HEY.
ANY SIGN OF YOUR BROTHER?
NO, BUT HE'S ALWAYS LATE.
I THOUGHT YOU ONLY MET HIM ONCE.
YEAH, I DID.
I THINK IT SOUNDS, LIKE, BIG SISTER-Y.
YOU KNOW, "FRANK'S ALWAYS LATE."
OH HO. WELL, RELAX, HE'LL BE HERE.
YEAH. NO, I KNOW. I'M JUST NERVOUS.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW…
MOM'S DEAD, DON'T TALK TO MY SISTER…
GRANDMA'S BEEN SLEEPING A LOT LATELY.
YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LAST DESPERATE CHANCE
TO HAVE A FAMILY KIND OF THING.
YOU'RE SO SWEET TO WAIT WITH ME.
WELL, ACTUALLY, GUNTHER SENT ME.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE CUPS OUT HERE.
IT'S A THING. MM.
DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK DAVID COPPERFIELD'S CUTE?
NO, BUT HE TOLD ME HE THINKS YOU'RE A FOX.
ALL RIGHT, JANICE LIKES HIM.
IN FACT, SHE LIKES HIM SO MUCH SHE PUT HIM ON HER, UH…
FREEBIE LIST.
HER WHAT?
WELL, WE HAVE A DEAL WHERE WE EACH GET TO PICK
FIVE DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES
THAT WE CAN SLEEP WITH…
AND THE OTHER ONE CAN'T GET MAD.
AH, THE HEART OF EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP…
HONESTY, RESPECT AND SEX WITH CELEBRITIES.
SO, CHANDLER, WHO'S ON YOUR LIST?
AH, KIM BASINGER…
UH, CINDY CRAWFORD, HALLE BERRY…
YASMINE BLEETH.
OH, BOY.
AND, UH, JESSICA RABBIT.
NOW, YOU DO REALIZE THAT SHE'S A CARTOON
AND WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?
YEAH, I KNOW. I KNOW. I JUST ALWAYS WONDERED IF I COULD GET HER EYES
TO POP OUT OF HER HEAD.
HEY, MONICA, WHO WOULD YOURS BE?
FIRST I NEED A BOYFRIEND, THEN I CAN HAVE A LIST.
JUST A GAME, MON.
RACH, HOW ABOUT YOU?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS…
CHRIS O'DONNELL, JOHN F. KENNEDY, JR.
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, STING AND PARKER STEVENSON.
SPIDER-MAN?
HARDY BOY.
PETER PARKER.
THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HONEY? WHO'D BE ON YOUR LIST?
I… I DON'T KNOW. THAT KIND OF THING
REQUIRES SOME SERIOUS THOUGHT.
FIRST I'LL DIVIDE MY PROSPECTIVE CANDIDATES INTO CATEGORIES.
WHAT A GEEK.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS FRANK.
THIS IS MY HALF-BROTHER, FRANK.
THIS IS EVERYBODY. THIS IS ROSS.
HI. HOW ARE YOU? HEY.
CHANDLER. HI.
JOEY. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY…
HI.
THIS IS MONICA.
WHOA.
AND THIS IS RACHEL.
HI.
W-WHOA…
I'M GOING TO GET COFFEE.
HEY, HOW DO YOU GUYS GET ANYTHING DONE?
WE DON'T REALLY.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT OF BIG PLANS?
OH, YEAH. WE'RE GOING TO, LIKE, CONNECT
AND BOND AND EVERYTHING.
YEAH, I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD GO DOWN
TO TIMES SQUARE AND PICK UP SOME NINJA STARS.
OH, AND MY FRIEND, LARRY
HE WANTS ME TO TAKE A PICTURE OF A HOOKER.
WE REALLY DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LIVING IN THIS CITY.
OH, SORRY. DID I GET YOU?
NO, YOU DIDN'T "GET ME".
IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL.
YOU "GET ME," YOU KILL ME!
CALM DOWN. DO YOU WANT THIS UNIT OR NOT?
I DO NOT WANT THIS UNIT.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE.
I'M NOT A MIND READER.
AND WE'RE OUT OF BEER. OKAY, I'M GOING TO MONICA'S.
FINE!
HEY. WHERE YOU HEADING IN THOSE PANTS, 1982?
OH, MONICA, LISTEN. I SAW DOWN AT THE HARDWARE STORE
THEY GOT THOSE DESIGNER TILES ON SALE
IF YOU EVER WANT TO REDO YOUR BATHROOM FLOOR.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BATHROOM FLOOR?
NOTHING, IT'S JUST…
OLD AND DINGY, THAT'S ALL.
I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT.
OH, YEAH?
IF YOU, UH…
MOVE YOUR HAMPER
YOU CAN SEE THE COLOR THE TILE USED TO BE.
YEAH.
I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
RELAX, RELAX. HERE, HOLD THIS.
THIS OLD STUFF COMES RIGHT UP.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
A LITTLE MORE THAN I WANTED TO SEE.
OH.
LOOK AT THAT.
EVERY INCH OF THIS IS GLUED DOWN.
IT'D TAKE FOREVER TO PRY THIS UP.
YOU SHOULD UH… YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT.
I CAN'T LEAVE IT.
YOU GOUGED A HOLE IN MY DINGY FLOOR.
UH…
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
AW…
YEAH, THAT'S NICE. WE CAN PUT IT BACK THERE
AFTER THE SURGEONS REMOVE IT FROM YOUR COLON.
OOH! OOH! WHAT?
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU.
UM, CAN YOU ROLL YOUR TONGUE?
'CAUSE… 'CAUSE I CAN, AND MY MOM COULDN'T
AND I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW
I FIGURED THAT WAS SOMETHING I GOT FROM OUR DAD.
WELL, WAIT, YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU CAN DO IT TOO. YEAH.
YOU'RE NOT DOING IT.
OH, RIGHT. OKAY, YEAH.
MY MOM COULD AND I CAN'T.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
FEBRUARY 16.
I KNOW A GUY WHO'S THE 18th.
THAT'S CLOSE.
WHEN'S YOURS?
OCTOBER 25.
THAT'S THE SAME MONTH AS HALLOWEEN.
YEAH.
SO, UM, WHAT KIND OF THINGS DO YOU LIKE TO DO AT HOME?
MELT STUFF.
OKAY, I'VE GOT THREE OF MY FIVE.
THREE OF YOUR FIVE WHAT?
CELEBRITIES I'M ALLOWED TO SLEEP WITH.
MY GOD, YOU ARE GIVING THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT.
HEY, IT'S HARD, OKAY?
I ONLY HAVE TWO SPOTS LEFT.
WHO YOU GOT IT NARROWED DOWN TO?
OKAY… ELIZABETH HURLEY.
OOH, VERY ATTRACTIVE.
YEAH.
FORGIVING.
SUSAN SARANDON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE'S TOO POLITICAL.
SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T LET YOU DO IT
UNLESS YOU DONATED FOUR CANS OF FOOD FIRST.
AND ISABELLA ROSSELLINI.
OOH… VERY HOT, VERY SEXY.
BUT, UH… YOU KNOW, SHE'S TOO INTERNATIONAL.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NEVER GOING TO BE AROUND.
SO? SO, YOU GOT TO PLAY THE ODDS.
PICK SOMEBODY WHO'S IN THE COUNTRY ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU WON'T GET ISABELLA ROSSELLINI…
GEOGRAPHY.
OKAY, SO, BY "MELTING" YOU MEANT MELTING.
YEAH.
SO, IS IT LIKE ART?
YEAH, YOU CAN MELT ART.
HEY, CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
MMM. YEAH, SURE.
WHY, YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR MOM?
NO, I WANT TO MELT IT.
OH, WELL, UM, NOT RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO GO TO BED.
I THINK THE FUMES ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
YEAH, YEAH…
GOOD NIGHT… BRO.
GOOD NIGHT.
HERE.
JUST IN CASE. YOU KNOW.
OH, EXCELLENT.
WHAT KIND OF KARATE IS THAT?
NO KIND.
HE JUST MAKES IT UP.
OH.
HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU GUYS?
SO FAR IT KIND OF BLOWS.
I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, THAT…
HE'D FEEL MORE LIKE A BROTHER.
YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU AND ROSS
JUST LIKE CLOSE AND CONNECTED AND…
HONEY, WE'RE CLOSE NOW
BUT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE YEARS
OF NOOGIES AND WEDGIES
AND FLYING WEDGIES AND ATOMIC WEDGIES AND…
THAT'S WHEN THE WAISTBAND ACTUALLY GOES OVER YOUR HEAD.
AH.
WE USED TO DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY PLAYING THE SHADOW GAME.
HOW DO YOU PLAY THE SHADOW GAME?
I JUST ASKED YOU.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
THAT IS WHAT THE GAME IS.
YOU JUST GAVE UP REALLY QUICKLY.
YOU SEEN JOEY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER? OH, JUST…
THIS!
YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S MY FAULT REALLY
BECAUSE THE COUCH IS WHERE WE USUALLY KEEP THE VARNISH.
HEY, SOMEBODY WANT TO HAND ME ONE OF THOSE TILES?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HE'S RE-TILING MY FLOOR.
YO!
SPACKLE BOY.
GET UP.
AH-AH! YOU STARTED THIS, YOU WILL FINISH IT.
HE STARTED MINE FIRST.
BUILD THE UNIT, CINDERELLY, LAY THE TILES, CINDERELLY.
WHOA.
BIG OCTOPUS.
YEAH.
HELLO?
OH, MY GOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT.
WELL, CAN'T SOMEONE ELSE DO IT?
BUT I HAVE COMPANY.
YEAH, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL COME IN. OKAY.
FRANK, I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO GO INTO WORK.
IT'S ONE OF MY REGULARS
AND HE'S INSISTING THAT I DO HIM, SO…
HEY, WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO?
OH! I'M A MASSEUSE.
I GIVE PEOPLE MASSAGES AND STUFF.
YOU… YOU WORK AT ONE OF THOSE MASSAGE PARLORS?
WELL, WE DON'T CALL IT THAT, BUT YEAH.
THAT'S WILD.
NO, I HAD NO IDEA.
ALL RIGHTY.
I'LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT.
UNLESS, YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME.
YOU MEAN, LIKE WATCH?
NO, NO. YOU CAN GET ONE YOURSELF.
IT'LL BE ON THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW…
WHAT ARE BIG SISTERS FOR?
I DON'T THINK THIS… YOU KNOW.
NO, NO, NO.
I WOULDN'T DO YOU MYSELF.
I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE WEIRD.
YEAH… NO, I'LL GET ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS TO DO IT.
OH! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!
YAY!
ARE YOU EXCITED?
YEAH.
HEY, DO MONICA AND RACHEL WORK THERE?
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S LIKE THE FIRST BATHROOM FLOOR THERE EVER WAS.
WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU GOING IN THERE FOR?
YOU WANT, LIKE, A NUMBER?
HEY.
HI. BYE.
OKAY…
I'M DONE WITH MY CHOICES.
THESE ARE FINAL.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
YEAH, VERY OFFICIAL.
OH, YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW,
CHANDLER PRINTED IT UP ON HIS COMPUTER.
AND WHO LAMINATED IT?
THAT WAS ME.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE.
HUH… "UMA THURMAN, WINONA RYDER, ELIZABETH HURLEY
"MICHELLE PFEIFFER…
DOROTHY HAMILL"?
HEY, IT'S MY LIST.
OKAY, HONEY, YOU DO REALIZE SHE ONLY SPINS LIKE THAT ON ICE.
OW, OW, OW!
OW, OW, OW, OW!
OW, OW.
OW, YOU KNOW, OW…
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
SHE BROKE MY ARM.
HE TOUCHED MY FANNY.
NO. SHE TOUCHED MINE FIRST.
THAT'S MY JOB.
SO, WAIT. WHAT'S THE DEAL HERE?
I CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOU, BUT I CAN'T TOUCH YOU?
EWW! EWW!
YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER.
WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS, A HOOKER?
NO, OKAY… YOU'RE A "MASSEUSE."
IT'S COOL. I'M NOT A COP.
HEY, J-JASMINE, CAN YOU ASK MR. WIFFLER
IF HE CAN WAIT FOR, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES?
FINE.
I DON'T LIKE YOU.
SO… THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT I DID?
GOD!
THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO!
WAIT, THAT… THAT…
WAIT, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO?
NO!
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, YOU KNOW…
THIS IS THE CITY, YOU KNOW? I JUST… I MEAN, I…
I DON'T KNOW.
WHATEVER. IT'S THE PERFECT END TO THE PERFECT WEEKEND, ANYWAY.
OH… WAIT.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NO, IT WAS PERFECT, UH…
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I SCREWED IT UP SO BAD.
YOU REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT?
WELL, NO, MAYBE IT WASN'T PERFECT
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT WAS PRETTY COOL, YOU KNOW.
'CAUSE WE HAD ALL THOSE GREAT TALKS, YOU KNOW?
YEAH. UM…
WHICH ONES IN PARTICULAR WERE GREAT FOR YOU?
WELL, YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE TONGUE THING, YOU KNOW…
AND HOW I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY LIKES AND MY DISLIKES.
I DON'T…
HOW I LIKE TO MELT STUFF
AND HOW I DISLIKE STUFF THAT DOESN'T MELT?
RIGHT. OKAY. MM-HMM.
YEAH, YOU KNOW…
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I CAN REALLY TALK TO YOU
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY SISTER. YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
I GUESS I DO. YEAH.
AND THEN I GO FEEL YOUR FRIEND UP
AND MAKE YOU MAD AT ME.
WELL, I WASN'T HOPPING MAD…
YOU KNOW…
YOU HOPPED A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH, I'M REALLY SORRY… REALLY.
WELL, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WEEKEND.
RIGHT NOW. THIS.
THIS? UH-HUH.
OH, COME ON. WE WENT TO TIMES SQUARE.
WE, WE FOUND NINJA STARS.
I ALMOST GET MY ARM BROKEN BY A HOOKER…
SHE'S NOT A HOOKER.
WHEN I TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT HER, SHE WILL BE.
OKAY. ON THREE.
ONE, TWO…
WHY DON'T WE JUST GO ON TWO?
WHY TWO?
BECAUSE IT'S FASTER.
I COULD HAVE COUNTED TO THREE, LIKE, FOUR TIMES
WITHOUT ALL THIS TWO TALK.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IN THE FUTURE…
OKAY, OKAY.
HEAVY THING, NOT GETTING LIGHTER.
OKAY. ONE, TWO…
SO WE ARE GOING WITH TWO? OH!
A GOOD JOB, JOE.
WOW.
IT'S BIG.
YEAH. YEAH. SO BIG, THAT IT ACTUALLY MAKES
OUR DOORS LOOK SMALLER.
MAYBE MY RULER'S WRONG.
MAYBE ALL THE RULERS ARE WRONG.
LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
SO WHAT? IT BLOCKS A LITTLE OF YOUR DOOR
A LITTLE OF MY DOOR.
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
HOW ABOUT IT BLOCKS NONE OF MY DOOR
AND A LOT OF YOUR DOOR?
OKAY. LISTEN, BEFORE I FORGET
THAT SIDE IS STILL WET.
OKAY, SIR, LET ME JUST SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT.
SO THIS IS A HALF CAF, DOUBLE TALL, EASY HAZELNUT
NON-FAT, NO FOAM, WITH WHIPPED, EXTRA HOT LATTE, RIGHT?
OKAY. GREAT.
YOU FREAK.
THANK YOU.
COFFEE TO GO, PLEASE.
ISABELLA ROSSELLINI!
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OH, MY GOD.
DAMN, I CANNOT BELIEVE I TOOK HER OFF MY LIST.
WHY? 'CAUSE OTHERWISE, YOU'D "GO FOR IT"?
YEAH. MAYBE.
OH-HO! YOU LIE.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I'D GO UP TO HER?
ROSS, IT TOOK YOU TEN YEARS TO FINALLY ADMIT YOU LIKE ME.
YEAH? WELL, MISSY,
YOU BETTER BE GLAD THAT LIST IS LAMINATED.
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? YOU GO AHEAD.
WE'LL CALL HER AN ALTERNATE.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
HOLD MY CRULLER.
OKAY.
RACH, ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO LET HIM DO THIS?
HONEY, HE'S ABOUT TO GO HIT ON ISABELLA ROSSELLINI.
I'M JUST SORRY WE DON'T GOT POPCORN.
HI…
HI.
I'M ROSS.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME
BUT I'M A BIG, BIG FAN OF YOURS.
I MEAN, UM, BLUE VELVET… WHOO..!
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD MAYBE BUY YOU
A, UM, CUP OF COFFEE.
OR… REIMBURSE YOU FOR THAT ONE.
AREN'T YOU WITH THAT GIRL OVER THERE?
WELL, YEAH. KIND OF.
BUT THAT'S OKAY.
SEE, WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.
UM, SEE, WE EACH HAVE THIS LIST
OF FIVE FAMOUS PEOPLE, AND YOU WERE ONE OF MINE.
SO I'M ALLOWED TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S FLATTERING.
WHOA!
I DON'T KNOW… W-WAIT…
WAIT. ISABELLA…
DON'T-DON'T JUST DISMISS THIS SO FAST.
THIS IS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY.
YEAH, FOR YOU.
IS THAT THE LIST? UM, YES.
CAN I SEE IT? UM, NO.
COME ON. BUT, OKAY…
I'M NOT IN THE LIST.
UM, SEE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE FINAL DRAFT.
IT'S LAMINATED.
YEAH… UM, OKAY,
SO YOU WERE… YOU WERE ON MY LIST
BUT THEN MY FRIEND CHANDLER…
BROUGHT UP THE VERY GOOD POINT
THAT YOU ARE INTERNATIONAL.
SO I BUMPED YOU FOR WYNONA RYDER.
LOCAL.
YOU KNOW, IT'S IRONIC.
BECAUSE I HAVE A LIST OF FIVE GOOFY COFFEEHOUSE GUYS
AND YESTERDAY I JUST BUMPED YOU FOR…
THAT GUY OVER THERE.
WE'RE JUST GOING TO BE FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? MM?
BET YOU I COULD FIT IN THERE.
I GOT FIVE BUCKS SAYS YOU CAN'T.
GET OUT YOUR CHECKBOOK, MISTER.
OH, I THINK I HAVE THE CASH.
YOU ARE DOGGED, MAN.
I TOTALLY FIT.
YEAH. YOU GOT ME.
I'M OUT FIVE BIG ONES.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
CHA-CHING!
OH, HELLO, MR. LINCOLN!
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BUDDY.
AND THE DRINKS ARE ON ME.